Fragile

My forward healing progression seems to have come at a halt this week, maybe I can even say I've taken steps back. It's hard to describe in words, but my emotional state is fragile and uncertain. Yes, I've definitely fallen back a few steps. Time! I need more time.

I look forward to a new year. May it bring ME the inner peace and happiness I so long for. Hey, is it okay to pray for yourself?

Before I go to the hockey game tonight, let me leave you by saying:

Go HABS Go!

Stepmom

While I was home alone for the holidays this weekend, my son was with his father and "new" girlfriend. I don't know how "new" she is, but apparently she is in Mathew's life more than I would like any other woman to be. I didn't get to spend Christmas with Mathew. Yet, some other woman did! I'm not handling this very well. The thought of Mathew and this other woman spending quality time is too much to bare. I don't know if I ever will be able to come to grips with this idea of Mathew eventually having another "mom" in his life. It's not fair that the man who walked out on his family, can start a new one and impose possibly a second mom into Mathew's life. That is not fair! He is MY son. On the other hand, why do I find it reasonably okay with Mathew spending time with men in my life (which by the way has not happened yet)? I didn't choose this life. And now I have to deal with these new ideas of family; step-moms, step-children, ex-husbands, and ex-in-laws. I just can't handle it. I can't accept it. I can't look at my son and think there will possibly be another mother figure in his life. And the worst part is that I have no control over it. It will happen and I will hate it. And it will be the worst feeling in the world. He doesn't need another mom. He doesn't need anyone but ME. It is one thing to deal with a divorce, but to deal with this...no way! It hurts too much.

How can a mom sit idly by and watch her son develop a relationship with a woman who is not needed in his life and is only brought into his life because of some selfish decision his father made?

I know I am not the first to go through this and definitely won't be the last, but does that make it okay? Am I ever going to accept a second mom in Mathew's life? How do I deal with this?

Before I go to play with my son, let me leave you with this:
Mathew is...
My joy.
My life.
My world.
My everything.
I can't imagine life, my life without him in it.

Forgetful

Generally, I have a bad memory. Most of my high school years were a blur. And lots of my relationships were too. But when it comes to MY life, I am organized and efficient. I don't forget things. I know where everything is. I am on top of everything in my life. I am not one to be called "spacey" or "scatterbrain," but if the shoe fits...

I remember reading somewhere that when you are pregnant you may experience absentmindedness and forgetfulness. During my pregnancy, I noticed my brain begin to develop a haze. This foggy brain has not cleared up. I forget things, lots of things! And last night, was my worst incident yet. I hope it doesn't get any worse than this.

At 8:30pm, I let Harley out back on his leash. I was picking up things around the house, cleaning, and doing laundry. Around 9:30 I decided to go to sleep. I read a new book for a little bit and dozed off. At 11pm, my doorbell rings. Who could that be? I thought I was dreaming or something. It was my neighbor letting me know that Harley is crying and his leash is stuck in the bushes. OMG!!!! I forgot all about Harley. I was wondering where he was when he didn't follow me upstairs. How horrible! I forgot my 4-legged son. I am such a bad mother! Just please don't let it get any worse than this.

Other forgetful moments:

Just last Thursday night, I got locked out of my own house. I took Harley and Mathew for a walk. I use the garage door and bring the clicker with me. However, I forgot to unlock the electrical locking system from the inside. So when we got back, the clicker didn't work. Luckily, my friend Bridget who has a spare key was home (and lives close by). This has happened to me at least 3-4 times. Thank you, Bridget!

I have forgotten to tighten Mathew's car seat straps. Scary! I have left my drink on top of my car. I have misplaced items, such as keys, phone and apparently most of my brain cells. I have forgotten lunch dates, doctor appointments, Mortgage payments, and more things of this nature. I started to carry around my work calendar (paper) and a separate notebook (which is filled with notes, reminders, and things to do), and obviously this is not helping. I hate this feeling of overload, where I can't function at my optimal level. I just truly hate being this forgetful. It's not me! SO

My gift to myself this year is a Palm Pilot. I should be getting it in the mail this week. Once I do, my calendar and to-do lists will be a click away. I will set the alarm to remind me of things. I will use color coding. It will be heavenly! I will carry it with me everywhere I go. It will take over part of my brain (at least 128 MB of it). So now I will have more memory space so that maybe I won't forget about Harley anymore.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
This weekend I reunited with an old high school friend (thanks to myspace)! Cheers to a new/old friendship!

At this time in my life, this is what I need most, friends! I am so grateful for my friends. They have given me strength, courage, and power during these unbearable times.

Here is one of my favorite friend quotes:
"Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families."

You have no idea how suiting this is.
Thank you, friends!

Karma

Just because I am happy, doesn't make your decision right

Just because I am moving on, doesn't excuse what you did

Just because my life will turn out better, doesn't make you a better man

Don't mistake me for someone who is bitter and resentful

I'm just reminding you that what goes around comes around

You'll get what you deserve


Before I go, I read a quote today that made me realize I should not strive for perfection (being the perfectionist that I am), but instead for excellence:
I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God's business.
–Michael J. Fox

Grand Epiphany

I had a grand epiphany yesterday. It literally happened in a fleeting moment. It was fuzzy and blurry at first, and out of nowhere this crisp clear thought crashed into me: "I don't resent him anymore!" Wow! Do you realize how huge that is? Wow!

I will attempt to make this epiphany apparent in words:

I'm not sorry that he left me, not anymore. I'm happy now. I feel like a new and improved person. I feel great. Actually, I am grateful he left me. I found something inside of me that I would have never discovered with him by my side. I probably would have ended up being in a miserable marriage because I would never have left the marriage myself. So I am grateful he left. I understand now that he needed to do what he needed to do for himself. And now I'm doing what I need to do for myself. I hold no grudge, hatred, bitterness, or resentment. I can be his friend, care for him, even love him, and know that our marriage and what we had is now behind me. Wow...it feels so good. Words cannot describe the liberation I feel right now. I owe a lot of this release to the healing powers of Hawaii. I'm telling you; something happened to me when I was in Hawaii. Since then, there has been this gradual escalating feeling of release, liberation, happiness, freedom. I can't even explain where it is coming from and how, I just feel it! It feels great! I feel awesome!

Life is good!

Before I go, let me leave you with a list of words that describe me and how I am feeling in this moment:
Happy
Liberated
Great
Smiling
Blessed
Free
Light
Grateful
Forgiving
New
Refreshed
Understanding
Patient
Alive
Bright
Beautiful
Enlightened
Rediscovered

Grins & Giggles

Gerber
Grins & Giggles Baby Wash
Milk & Honey

Just bought new baby wash product (switched from the old fashion Johnson & Johnson product) and Gerber's Grins & Giggles wins by a landslide!

Mmmmmmm

It leaves a sweet smell that lingers throughout the day. You can catch me whiffing Mathew's hair from time to time. Mommy is silly! But it smells so yummy!

Mmmmmmm

Before I go, let leave you with this quote from Joseph Sugarman:
Not many people are willing to give failure a second opportunity. They fail once and it is all over. The bitter pill of failure is often more than most people can handle. If you are willing to accept failure and learn from it, if you are willing to consider failure as a blessing in disguise and bounce back, you have got the essential of harnessing one of the most powerful success forces.

Hawaii = My Healing Place

The magical beauty of Hawaii that surrounded me awakened my senses and healing powers within. In the midst of tropical paradise, I discovered myself again; the new and single me (not the wife or ex-wife, not the mom, just ME). I delved into some areas in my life I have been afraid to visit, had no time to explore, and plainly just avoided. I was on this hellish emotional roller coaster ride in Hawaii. I hated the ride, but had to get on it. I somehow found the courage to get on this uncomfortable ride. Maybe it was the magical healing powers of Hawaii? Maybe I was just ready to get on with it? I broke down many times, with an array of emotions, and I discovered that it is all okay, I am okay. In a sense, I mourned the loss of my marriage. If you can compare my experience to the loss of a loved one, I went through the last phases of the grieving process, acceptance. Before I left for Hawaii, I don't think I accepted the finality of my marriage more than just with a verbal and physical agreement. I never "realized" my loss. I did while in Hawaii; I endured the pain of not having my best friend with me. I missed the love we shared. I suffered loneliness. I felt the sadness of missing out on the family I dreamed of. I smiled reminiscing at the memories we shared. I sincerely felt joy thinking of the "us" we had and the possible "friendship" that could form. I despise that feeling, but all the while strangely understand it as forward progression. I wondered and agonized over the question "why." I know I may never get an answer and I understand that. At times I felt depressed for what happened to me, and yet overcome with happiness! I know that in spite of all that he did in the end, it is okay to miss him. It is okay to mourn the loss of my marriage and feel hurt, pain, happiness, loneliness, suffering, sorrow...all of it. With time and head on collisions with my emotions, it will all pass. I now accept the loss fully. And I invite any and all emotions that come with this loss. It feels good to feel the hurt. Sounds weird, but it felt good to cry and hysterically lose it. Maybe I never entirely broke down before, maybe because I had no time, so many things to focus on and worry about. Or maybe I just wasn't ready? Being away in a tropical paradise with no worries, but my tan lines, I felt liberated to finally FEEL. And I feel now. And it sucks, but it feels good. I am feeling again. I feel the desire to love and be loved again. I have desires and new dreams. I have renewed hope and faith. I see rainbows and birds flying freely. I found me. I am ME.

I long for freedom and a deep commitment to others.
I long for solitude and intimacy.

Even though this vacation was more about the journey than the destination, I still enjoyed the destination.

- Got me some tan lines, while absorbing the sun rays and capturing the tranquil serenity of Napili Bay
- Snorkeled and saw me some sea turtles. Yay! Words that come to mind: Beautiful, rapid, earthly, fragile, graceful, and peaceful.
- Pearl Harbor - no words can describe, visit mandatory if you ever visit Hawaii
- Surfed. I loved it! I truly understand the addiction now (minus the rash burns and foot injury from the coral). Christian, when are you taking me surfing now?
- Drove down to Hana (east coast of Maui), waterfalls, black sand beaches, red sand beaches, small towns, scenic, and beautiful. If heaven had a highway, this road would be it.
- Sunsets…nothing to explain, simply gorgeous.
- The Banyan Tree – enormous, intricate, inviting. I enjoyed some reading time on a park bench under this tree.

Before I go, let me leave you with my welcome home greeting:
Coming down the escalator at the airport, I spotted Mathew in his stroller eating some snacks. When I got close enough, I called out his name "Mathew!" He looked up and spotted me and gave me this look of "OH! It's you! I wasn't expecting you!" And his eyes grew big and his legs started to kick. I quickly unbuckled him out of the stroller and picked him up. He gave me a big hug with his face planted in my neck. I lowered myself to the floor and put him down and he kept coming back for more hugs. "I love this kid," "This kid is awesome" I kept thinking to myself. And the hugs came to an abrupt stop when he spotted a girl his age with a ball. I'm glad to be back home!

I am back!

Aloha!

I am back!

I am busy!

Pictures and stories coming soon!

Mahalo!

On Vacation

This time tomorrow I'll be flying off to Hawaii...

Aloha!

I love being a mommy!

Today marked a developmental milestone for Mathew. To most of you this story will seem so trivial and inconsequential. But to me, it was amazing.

Mathew and I were in his room with the doors closed. The lights were off but there was an evening glow from the street light right outside his window. I just bathed him so his hair had that fresh Johnson & Johnson smell. I was sitting in his little blue denim chair that he got for his birthday from his auntie in Boston. Next to this chair is my leather recliner chair, which is being used less and less. So it's that time of the night that I read him a book. For the most part, he doesn't really pay attention. I would always think that my voice was just background noise or a nuisance. As I read him a story, he riffles through the pages of other books just for the pictures, (typical man). Rarely does he sit still long enough to sit on my lap. Tonight, though, he approached me for a lap request. So as he was flipping pages through the book, I was reading the book out loud (with him sitting on my lap). We read the book about 2 times. Here comes the good part. So he skootches off my lap, almost head first until I realized he wanted off my lap. So I thought "well there's the end of that nice moment." Instead, he walked over to his book collection, picked out another book, carried it back and handed it to me, and signaled for the pick me up on your lap move. In that moment, I felt astonished, amazed, and proud. There were so many things about that moment that I loved. I don't know if I can describe it well enough to give you the slightest sentiment of that moment. I loved that he wanted me to read another book. I loved that he knew to get off my lap to pick another book. I loved that he knew to bring it back to me so I would read it to him. I love that he knew how to communicate to me. I loved that he wanted to go back on my lap. I love that he loves reading time. After all this time, I thought he didn't care about reading time. I love that he is such a loving boy. By the end of the 2nd book, the 2nd time around, he was leaning his head against my chest in the nook of my shoulder. That was so special. You see, he doesn't fall asleep in my arms anymore (for a while now). And I miss that. So now instead we share special moments like this. I love that this is just the beginning of many more special moments. So little, yet so amazing! I love Mathew!

Before I go, let me share other moments that melt my heart:
I love when Mathew opens his mouth and leans in to kiss me out of nowhere.
I love when he wobbles his way towards me just to give me this great big hug and then goes back about his business.
I love the look on his face when he first spots me at school to pick him up. His face lights up, he smiles hugely, and he runs head down towards me.
I love it when he laughs after I do something silly.
I love it when he tries to get my attention by giving me an airborne zerbert.
I love the silly faces he makes when I take out the camera.
I can go on so let me just finish by saying:
I love being a mommy!

Disconnect

Definitions for understanding this blog:
World = people and all man made things
Earth = Mother Nature and all things natural

Ever want to just disconnect?

Today I want to disconnect from this world. Escape all senses of reality. No emotions. No feelings. No responsibilities. No world around me. Just me with nothing and earth. I want to disconnect from the world around me, but absorb the earth itself. Absorb nature, beauty and all its natural possessions. Too many distractions; like earthlings, technology, and cars. Walked tonight to escape and disconnect. I just wanted peace, silence, solitude, nothingness. Just Disconnect. Absorb sunset of orange and pink, admire looming rain clouds and a crescent moon, hear birds chirping, and watch water ripples from the crisp breeze and sense the coolness on my skin... Yet, with all of that, there's just no leaving this world. It's just always there. Interrupted by the beeps from construction trucks in reverse. Cars and loud bikes. Horns and sirens. And earthlings!!! Can you really ever disconnect from the world or are you always bound to this world with all its earthlings till death? For life? Ironic how in this world we (earthlings) create this ceremonious binding contract called marriage and announce our love "till death do us part" as if it has any meaning or value. What value does it have if you can easily disconnect in a marriage, it's called a divorce. But this earth we live in...is the only true binding contract we will ever enter "till death do us part" (even if not by choice). Yet, we ruin earth by trying to make it our own world, forgetting it's not for ours to keep. We never appreciate the little intricacies of earth, Mother Nature. Mother Nature never divorces us, never deserts us...it's all around us. The unconditional love that exists is in everything around us. Take a moment to disconnect from this world and reconnect with this earth.

All I need is fleeting moments of disconnect. Not a divorce from this world, just moments of escape. Are there too many distractions? Maybe in Hawaii I will find my disconnect. If not, I always have it in my mind.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I had an emotional day.
Tears
Laughs
Deep breaths
Sighs
Pilates
Walks
Long talks
Cramps
Exhaustion
Self-reflecting
Looking for my 30 minutes of disconnect

Love Theory No. 9

How do you know if he is the person you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with? I was asked this question last night. My friend just went to a wedding and this was a question she wanted to ask me specifically, since at one point I was with the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life and now will not be. So how do you know? Here is my brief answer:

You follow your heart. My theory is that there is more than one person on this earth for you. This person should be your friend first and foremost. And lastly, love is all about timing. This is just my theory. We are compatible to love many of the people we cross paths with. Do both hearts want to unite at the same time?

Due to some recent experiences in my life, I'd like to add to this theory that it's not just about timing when you meet, but timing for the rest of your life. You both have to want it, make changes, and compromise not just at the start but all the way through till the end. Love grows, people change, and life happens. For love to last, it's all about timing. Will both hearts unite at the same time, and continue to grow and change together for the rest of time? Because even after nine years, there is no guarantee that the timing will be right (my case in point). How do you know if it will last? You don't! That's the risk in love. To me it's worth it. And I will risk it again.

That last line reminded me of a song: There's always a song that applies, right?
If I'd've known the way that this would end
If I'd've read the last page first
If I'd've had the strength to walk away
If I'd've known how this would hurt
(Chorus:)
I would've loved you anyway
I'd do it all the same
Not a second I would change
Not a touch that I would trade
Had I known my heart would break
I'd've loved you anyway
~Trisha Yearwood

Before I go, let me leave you with a few quotes about love:
I'll leave my heart wide open. I will love and have no fear. ~ Brad Paisely

'Tis better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all. ~ Alfred Lord Tennyson

Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly. ~Sam Keen

Cowboy Up!

So this weekend, I rode the mechanical bull! It is a sexually provocative ride to say the least. It wasn't about trying to last more than 8 seconds, which I did by the way. It was about the guy behind the joystick making your ass fall to the padded floor after he has toyed with you by gyrating you up and down, side to side, and shaking your ass. And all the meanwhile, another guy with a highbeam flashlight pointing out certain body parts for all to see. After falling several times, I am now left with sore inner thighs, a deep dark purple bruise on my inner left thigh, and a slightly sore left tricep. Besides the aftermath, my experience was exhilarating, left me horny and unfortunately unsatisfied. Here are some highlights:

- After falling to the padded floor and walking away to the exit, the man behind the joystick operated the bull to come from behind me and knock me back down.
- I fell on my back, the second I looked up, I could see the bull between my legs shaking it's head back and forth like a frothing animal in heat.
- I broke the bull's neck...yes I swear! The mechanics had to stop my ride to fix the neck.
- I rode the bull reverse cowgirl style! (didn't last 8 seconds in that position)
- I had a moment of "Look Ma no Hands!" haha

I had so much fun. Pictures were taken of this event. As soon as I get my hands on them, I will post them for ya'll to see. Stay tuned.

Cowboy up!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
It seems that I've been saying "there's always next year" my whole life. For those of you that don't know what I am talking about; it's the 1-5 Miami Dolphins record. I feel like a Red Sox fan before 2004. Yuk! Let's just hope we don't have to wait 86 years. So I finish by saying "there's always next year!"

Here is a secret from the fox

"It's quite simple: One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes."

~ from the fox in The Little Prince by Antoine De Saint-Exupery

Before I go, let me leave you with this wish:
Have a great weekend! I know I sure will...celebrating my big 30, drinking many cocktails, riding the mechanical bull, and all that good stuff!

Blame

Why is it that sometimes I still blame myself for my failed marriage?
When I talk to my friends about it, most of them just think I'm not over him and that I would take him back if I had the chance. I really hate that. What most of my friends don't realize is that I would NEVER take him back. But why is it not okay to still think I could have done more? When being with other married couples (as happy as we were at one point), I think how the hell did my marriage not work out? I wonder what I did wrong. Is it normal to sit here and blame myself? I'm always the type of person that looks to blame herself first rather than point blame to others in any situation. But in this case, I realize and understand that this failed marriage was not my fault AT ALL. I know fully well I did everything I could to try to make it work. I loved him with everything I had (all the way to the end). Yet, there's this slightest thought that slivers into my head that maybe it was my fault. I know better than to think like this. But I just wanted to share...you know, I'm not perfect. I know most of you are shocked to hear that. hee

Just know this:
In the end (which is what this is - OVER), I am grateful for this failed marriage. It has been a catalyst for positive personal transformation. So I say THANK YOU!

Before I go, let me leave you with the chorus lyrics of Fighter by Christina Aguilera:
'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Hard Life

I hate it when people bitch about having a hard life. Because really, don't we all have hard lives...or actually maybe life isn't hard at all, it's just life. But let's just say, for this blog sake, that "hard life" is defined as an event or series of unforeseen circumstances that is not something wished upon or desired. With that said, I repeat, don't we all have hard lives? We can get technical here and talk about the different levels of hardships, but ultimately I believe that only you can decide if you want to live a hard life or not. It doesn't matter if you are rich, famous, or influential. Life doesn't discriminate. We will all be dealt crappy hands from time to time. The question is how do you deal with it? How do you react to life when life happens? To me, this is what defines you, your life. I believe in the power of positive attitude. There is always something to live for, to make you happy. So Choose! Decide! It's your life, dammit!

"Thoughts have power; thoughts are energy. And you can make your world or break it by your own thinking." ~ Susan Taylor

Before I go, let me leave you with a quote I found inspiring during a time when I worked for a condescending boss. This boss made my life a living hell. I hated getting up in the morning, I became a cautious worker, scared to say something, and afraid to work too hard or too little...I was miserable. My life at home was all about her; complaining, crying, and reliving the horrible moments at work. I had to put an end to this. I realized that no matter what I did or said, she will still be the same condescending boss. So why live miserably. No, I did not quit my job. I chose to change my attitude and accept the things I cannot change. It wasn't easy. But it changed my life. My life was my own again. From this day, I remember this experience and how it can relate to everything else in my life (work, love, family, friends) I posted this quote in my office as a daily reminder:

No one can ruin my day, but me!

Toy Packaging

Okay, so what is up with toy packages? Why does it have to be so damn hard to get the toy out of the box? My son is sitting there looking at this colorful, musical toy and all he wants to do is play with it. It took me a minimum of 20 minutes to open each toy package. Depending on the complexity of the toy, it was a lot longer. I needed scissors, screw drivers, nails, and my teeth. First the package is taped up on every side at least in 2 places. Then the toy is within another box of packaging, which is then secured by these metal tie wraps that are twisted ridiculously and tied to these plastic belt-like clips. Scissors are not always the easy answer to these twisty ties. Is it really necessary to package toys like this? These toys survive being dropped, thrown, and banged around. What is the point of all this security? If only the government can protect our nation's security the way manufacturing companies protect and secure their toys. Where are the creative people to come up with a simple protective packaging technique? The battery manufacturing companies have finally created a better package for batteries. Remember, trying to open battery packs on the go. It was impossible. Now, battery packages come with this handy perforated tab to pull and open the package, et voila! No worries, no hassle! So you know it can be done, but why hasn't it been done yet for toys or CDs. Why have they invented tools and gadgets to open CD packages instead of just reinventing a new package? It's ridiculously stupid and frustrating! I hate stupid people! Stupid people in this case are the manufacturing companies designing these packages.

Okay so there's my 10 minute bitch session.

Mathew's party was just great fun. We both had such a blast. The cake was a messy situation. I have my brother Philippe to thank for that. Put it this way, I felt like I was at a pie throwing contest and Mathew and I were the faculty at college getting tortured by our students for some fundraiser. Pictures coming soon. By the end of the day, Mathew was walking around in a sugar delirious drunken stupor. He passed out in the car and even puked a bit too. Wow, and he's only one. Imagine when he turns 21! At home, we opened all the gifts. Mathew loved his new toys! At the end of the night, mom enjoyed her well-needed jasmine aroma bath. It was a beautiful day!

Before I go, let me leave you with this devastating thought:
What if the hokey pokey is not what it's all about?

Happy 1st Birthday!

Happy 1st Birthday Mathew!

I love you! And I'm so proud of you!

Mom

October

Wow! I can't believe October is already here. Time sure flies when you're having fun or when you are a mommy! Mathew will be "1" this Wednesday...wow! A year ago today, I was all belly and ready to pop him out. Life was great then...I had my whole life planned, the family, the dog, the house, the white picket fence, etc. All my dreams were coming true little by little. And well my life got flipped upside down. My whole course of life got derailed and (what I thought at the time) devastated any chance of future happiness. But after the train wreck, after I picked up the pieces, I noticed life is still great! I have a beautiful, healthy, loving son! He is my everything. As I fight back tears right now, all I can think about is how blessed I am. Mathew makes me so strong. I obviously never wanted this for myself...you know being a single mom at thirty. But now that I am here, I am so proud of myself and where I am today. I always believed in the strength within myself, but it wasn't until I was tested that I realized how strong and resilient I can be. I know my capabilities are endless now. I have so much to look forward to. This year has been a hell of an emotional ride and I wouldn't change any of it. The best part of this year is motherhood. Motherhood suits me. It was what I was meant to be. I love being a mom! And when I explain all of this to my friends who still ask me about my situation, they can see this true happiness inside of me, this glow. I'm glad that it shows…because I really am happy and happy that life turned out the way it did for me.

Ironically, the song I am listening to as I am writing this is "Life Ain't Always Beautiful" by Gary Allen (see lyrics below). I think I posted the lyrics to this song before, but oh well, you need to read them again.

Before I go, let me leave you with another Dr. Seuss quote (I love Dr. Seuss):
"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."



Lyrics for Song: Life Ain't Always Beautiful by Gary Allen


Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggle makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' it sweet time

[chorus]
No,life ain't always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life ain't always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way

But the struggles makes me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' its sweet time

No, life ain't always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life ain't always beautiful
But its a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

Delayed Gratification

Delayed gratification is a person's ability to wait for things they want. Those who lack this ability are in need of instant gratification. How good are you at delaying gratification? Or do you need instant satisfaction? Do you suffer from poor impulse control? Does it make you a better person if you can delay gratification? Apparently, the answer is yes. In reading about delayed gratification, I came across this popular marshmallow experiment that concludes if you can wait for the reward you will be more successful in life. Delayed gratification is a necessary trait for life success.

My argument:
But if you are good at delaying gratification could that just mean you are afraid to go after what you want, afraid to be successful? If you decide to delay a life's passion, will you ever have the chance to do it? Life may just get in the way. Don't deny what you want, go for it! Clearly, delayed gratification is necessary and respectable. However, let's indulge in life more and take action for immediate gratification. Enjoy life!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I'm not particularly good at delayed gratification, but I can be if need be.

University Center

So there's this new building where I work. It's a 110,000 square foot facility called the University Center. This is the new home of the Recreational Complex, also known as the RecPlex. Inside you will find a two-story rock climbing wall, two basketball gym courts, racquetball courts, heated outdoor pool, tennis courts, 100 cardio machines, 90 weight machines, saunas, and locker rooms. If you only knew what we had there as athletes 10 years ago…yuk! I'm so jealous that this facility was not around while I was a student athlete.

I initially was boycotting this place, not even going in to look at it, since they are charging Faculty and Staff monthly dues to use this facility. What a crock!?! We work at the University, yet they want to take more money out of our paycheck so we can use this facility. Ridiculous! Basically, they need us to pay off the $75 million building. Out of sheer curiosity, I took a tour of the place. WOW!!! Impressive! I haven't been to the gym in close to 2 years... that's the longest I've ever gone without working out EVER in my LIFE. I hate it. I need to go back. So I caved! I will be signing up probably as soon as I get back from Hawaii (if not sooner). I will drop Mathew off to school, go workout, shower and head into work. I need this for so many reasons: to get back into cardiovascular shape, solidify my mushy (yet thin) body, to eat right and healthy, to possibly meet new people (although I'm not keen on socializing at the gym, yet being newly single after 9 years, I gotta meet people somewhere), and most importantly feeling good everyday. I can't wait.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
SEX is also something I need: it's good for cardiovascular, solidifying, eating, health, meeting other people, and feeling good. So maybe I can sign up for a sex surrogate or friends with benefits. Neh! I know what I want, I just can't have it right now!

This is Killing Me

This is killing me slowly
Our silence must be broken
My mind is playing tricks on me
How can we let this happen?

Are you missing me
Like I am missing you
Can't we leave it all behind
close the gap between us

Let's melt together
And share our love
We know it's right
What are we so afraid of?

~sol

Unconsciously On Purpose

I used this phrase today when writing to a friend. I found it uniquely clever. I realized I was doing something unconsciously, but knowingly at the same time. Make sense? Here: I didn't want to do it, but I did intentionally because it's my way of life. See, I believe we all have patterns or ways we handle life, love, relationships, family, work, etc. We interpret things the way we want to, understand them based on our perceptions (refer to a previous blog re: perceptions). Sometimes when we are self-reflective, we can see that our perceptions are off base, wrong, or just plain unhealthy to our way of living. So we work on adjusting these perceptions. This adjustment is not overnight work…it's a working progress. It's a process of unwinding the memories and experiences of the past and rewriting your new perceptions of them. This is not easy. If we are not self-reflective (or at least seeing a shrink), then these perceptions never change and become more enforced with every encounter or relationship. And we start to believe it's the only way of life. Thus, making every future life situation a vicious cycle of the same patterns you breed. To break the cycle of unhealthy patterns, look within and try to understand where the perceptions started from; was it a bad experience with a boss, burned by a boyfriend/girlfriend, or disappointment by a family member, whatever the case may be, you have to do a lot of soul searching to determine the original cause of your pattern. Break down that cause and rewrite history for your new promising future. It takes lots of practice and failing many times before you might get it right. You have to want this change to be effective. And you most certainly have to understand the reason and cause behind every pattern. I may have lost many of you at this point if not sooner, but those that are still following…do you have any patterns in your life that you would like changed? For example, here is one of my patterns I just discovered:

I unconsciously on purpose impel men to like me so that I feel needed and loved. Rather I should allow the "right" man to find me and come after (chase) me, automatically making me feel needed and loved. So rather than altering things in my life and trying to control situations in order to fill my needs, I need to allow the right situations to happen naturally so that the needs are fulfilled in a flourishing way.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
Do understand that your perceptions are not wrong, their just your own. But realize that your perceptions will be different from the world around you. Understanding, consideration, and appreciation of others' perceptions will make for healthy relationships.

Dating Rules - F*ck 'em!

So I've been out of the dating world for 9 years and I've heard that there are rules now. Maybe there were always rules, I just never followed them. Let me share the few rules I've heard about lately, which I have already broken.

1) 3 day phone call rule – I was told that after meeting someone or after a first date, there are 3 days needed before making the phone call. Too early, you look desperate. Too late, well you'll lose their interest. So 3 days it is. I broke this rule! After meeting a guy at a club, I called 5 days later and within 6 hours of the phone call we met up for drinks. So much for this rule.

2) Don't talk about your ex – This is an obvious rule and shouldn't really be labeled a rule as much as just common sense. When asked about it, just say as little as possible. However, I must say this rule is hard considering that any question asked about me in the last nine years will inevitably involve my ex somehow. This rule is intended for those people who talk about their ex excessively. Otherwise, it's only natural to talk about it when certain topics come up...just keep it limited.

3) Always keep a guy waiting, never show up first – This is a problem for me, since I show up to everything early or on time. I hate, HATE waiting for people, so why should I make a man wait. It's just a stupid rule for women who think they are holier than thou.

4) Let the man pay – I agree with this rule. Unfortunately, it has been corrupted by our modern day feminists. Don't get me wrong, there are situations that would constitute a splitting of the bill. I am both old fashioned with a hint of modern. I make the offer to pay my half of the bill (and am always willing to pay my half). But let's just say, you can tell a lot by a man by how he responds to your offer (not that he is required to pay every time).

5) Never be available - This can be applied two ways. One: by phone. Don't pick up the phone when he calls, let him leave you a message. Two: for planning a date. Don't be available on the day he chooses and then suggest to him your available date. Here is another rule for the holier than thou attitude. Bleh!

To me when playing with rules, you are just playing games. And when playing games, there is usually one winner and always a loser. I would suggest to stop viewing dating as a game. 'Cause it's not a game. Dating is about meeting new and interesting people. It's figuring out more about yourself; your likes, your dislikes, your tolerance levels, and your needs and wants. It should be about finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you just want to have fun, just be upfront about it. If you want to call, call. If you want to go out, go out. If you want to be early, be early. Damn! Just do whatever you feel is right. Follow your instincts and heart, not the rules of the game. For love is not a game.

Before I go, let me leave you with another thought about dating:
Now even though I don't believe in rules for dating, there are dating etiquettes such as, don't date when you are not single, show up with clean hygiene and look your best, don't flaunt money, and one more example before I go: don't impress with lies. These are not rules, just simple courtesies for each other during the course of dating.

To all my single friends out there, good luck and have fun dating!

Is it time to quit?

I know, I know! I have not been blogging that much lately. Am I out of topics or do I just have writer's block? Is it time to quit?

The one dilemma is the recent growth of family members on myspace, now I can't talk about them. HA - who am I kidding, it won't stop me! And then, there's always the topic of Mathew. I can write about him everyday, he does something everyday worth talking about. For example, today he said the word "ball," he gave me the best kiss ever, and repeatedly says Mama (which I am not sick of yet). But does my audience really want to hear about Mathew all the time? Okay, so I will promise to work on better blog topics. I might even delve into the psyche of Nancy…scary, huh? It's deeper than anyone can possibly imagine.

Before I go, let's start with one of my favorite deep thoughts. It comes from a poem written by Edgar Allen Poe:
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

And yes, the Dolphins finally win one! (1-2)

Mathew is my world!

I just realized I haven't posted a blog all week. I have been consumed in my world…of just Mathew and me. In case you didn't know, Mathew is my world! And for the first time, this weekend my world will be gone, I will be all alone, no Mathew. His father is finally taking him for a weekend (picking him up Friday and dropping him off Sunday morning). I am taking full advantage of this weekend; to sleep in, clean the house, do some bills, go to the beach and definitely party at night! Friday night I'm clubbing. Don't know how to do that (it's been quite some time, so I'm taking an experienced woman with me). I have my outfit all picked out (hot mama will be in the house), I intend to dance like no one is watching, laugh out loud, and meet new people. It should be a good time. But in reality, I will be missing my world. My life lately is just work, work, work and Mathew, Mathew, Mathew. Oh yea and Hawaii!!! Hawaii is actually on my mind all the time...the anticipation is keeping me thrilled and alive. I just can't wait! This past weekend, I made some bikini purchases. I'm ready to go; now I just have to wait 1 month and 18 days! It will not go by fast enough until it does!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
Children learn what they live.
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
~ By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D

NFL Season Opener

So Football season has officially started...
And so have my tears!

Dolphins 17
Steelers 28

Put this game in the L column...for losers!

Current Season Record: Miami Dolphins 0-1

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
"I'm such a baby, yeah, the Dolphins make me cry."
Hootie and the Blowfish

Round Up

Going dancing tonight, finally!
It's been so long. I'm so excited.
Yes it is honky-tonk, two-stepping, and line dancing.
Don't knock it till you try it or at least check it out.
For all the guys: the ladies out there on the dance floor - it's just hot, hot, hot!!! For all the ladies, there's nothing sexier than a man in a cowboy hat who can dance - yummy! Just beautiful scenery!

My knees are already killing me and I haven't even put on my dancing shoes yet. It's the rainy weather  The rain aches all the joints in my body, mostly my knees. Damn, tennis! Nothing a few beers and 2 pain relievers won't adjust. I hate taking pain relievers, but tonight they will be a necessity. I wouldn't take them if my knees weren't in real pain. I'm turning 30 in a month and yet my joints feel they belong to an 80 year old lady.

Watch out, Round up - Nancy will be in the house tonight: tiny top with jeans, belt buckle, and my cowboy boots! Can I get a Yeehaw?
I'm crazy! I know!

Before I go and get back to work, let me leave you with this quote:
"Long distance running is particularly good training in perseverance." a Mao Zedong quote

But kills the knees in the process - lol.

Klutz

So this morning, I fell down the stairs! Landed on my knee (peeled off some skin), hit my thigh on the corner of a frame, and then finally landed on my ass cheek. I was in pain and I wanted to cry. But all I could think of was "That's going to leave a mark!" I just laughed, walked it off, and iced it, and then went back to doing what I was trying to do (getting Mathew his morning bottle of milk). That's what I get for not breastfeeding him anymore. Haha!

This is not my only incident in this new house, oh no there's more:
- peeled skin off of my finger from the garage door lock
- fingers got caught in the side door because it swings shut automatically
- Slammed my lower back up against the dining room table (still have the bruise and mark to show for it)
- Shins got bruised real bad from the bed frame
I'm sure there is more that I just don't even remember. This is so typical of me. I walk into walls, my shoulder bangs into doorways, my thighs find the corners of tables, and my shins find small furniture. I'm a klutz! And I find it funny! I can laugh at myself.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
Isn't it amazing how we all have completely different memories of the same exact event? We all have different interpretations of reality. We filter our reality by our own experiences, values, and expectations. I believe the best way to understand other people is to understand that each of us perceives events in our lives differently. Recognize the power of perception!

I wear rose-tinted glasses to filter my reality! How about you?

~Aloha~

It is a done deal. I'm going to Hawaii. I can't believe I just booked a flight to Hawaii. crazy, huh?!?!?! I leave November 3rd for 9 days. I am staying with a friend who lives in Maui. Thanks, Greg! This trip is going to be amazing. I can't wait. I have something to look forward to now...my "sense of purpose."

A few words that come to mind when I think of this trip (or reasons for this trip):
Freedom
Independence
Reckless abandon
Spontaneity
Drift Away
Liberated
Friendship
Passion
Journey

Oh I can go on.

As I told you before, Hawaii was calling to me and I answered. So Hawaii, here I come!

Before I go to make some phone calls, let me leave you with this:
"Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit." ~ E. E. Cummings

Artwork

On Friday, when I picked up Mathew from daycare, I saw a little painting on a paper plate on top of his bag. I asked if this was Mathew's (since I never expected artwork from him yet). They said yes. No words can describe how moved I was. I don't think you can understand this indescribable feeling if you have not gone through it yourself. This is Mathew's 1st piece of artwork. It's a paper plate artfully splattered with a mixture of bingo dot markers. It's is pretty cool. I love it!

On another note about Friday: it was my last day of breastfeeding. I'm not depressed or sad, the time has just come. One main reason, was my raw, tortured nipple. He didn't bite, he just sucked so hard, it got wounded...lol. Among other reasons, I just felt the time was right. 11 months, I did good!

Before I go to write my next blog, let me leave you with a Dr. Seuss quote (just finished reading "One fish two fish redfish blue fish" to Mathew):
from there to here,
from here to there,
funny things
are everywhere.

Groundhog Day

Someone asked me today, "What have you been up to?" Nothing new. It's the same thing everyday. I thought of Groundhog Day, the movie. I live the same day over and over; it's up at 6am, take a walk, get ready for school/work, spend the day at school/work, pick Mathew up at 5, get home by 6pm, feed Mathew dinner, play, bath, and then finally bed time. Once he is in bed, I feed myself, watch a little TV, and then it is bed time for me. I enjoy the weekends because from 8-5am, I spend quality time with Mathew; parks, swimming, malls, restaurants, and friends. The morning and evening routines still stay the same. Believe me, I love my life and have no complaints. It's the little things that I am trying to remind you all to appreciate waking up to a silent sound, waking up whenever you want, making no plans, taking long showers, eating slow, just to name a few.

I look forward to February 3rd.

My soon to be ex-husband will be getting a place of his own and will hopefully be taking Mathew every other weekend and one night a week. So then when someone asks me "what have you been up to?" hopefully, I will have something more interesting to say about myself.

Before I go, here's something interesting:
Hawaii is calling me. There are signs everywhere. It's not about wanting anymore, it's a need now. I just need to go! This will be my 30th birthday treat to myself. It's time to spoil myself and indulge in a little Hawaii lifestyle. ~Aloha~

Woo-Hoo! Update

So the date was really nice. I'm still smiling and giggling.
He was a total gentleman (as I remembered him to be from before).
He opened all the doors (house door, the car door, and the restaurant/bar doors).
We went to dinner at Macaroni Grill and polished a bottle of Pinot Grigio. We went to the Ale House for drinks afterwards and had 2 stiff drinks.
He confirmed to me that last night was a date, even though we agreed not to "label" it.
"What kind of date would this be if I let you pay?"
He escorted me into the restaurant/bar with a slight touch on the small of my back.
He showed signs of shyness and nervousness..how cute!
He shared so many stories. This man is not afraid to talk.
He talked more than I did (and you know thats a lot).
It was a late night.
He took me home and well
I don't kiss and tell.

* :o) *

Lets just say he said he will be calling me again! *blushing*
We'll see?!?!

Woo-Hoo!!

I'm so excited!
I got a date tonight. A date! Can you believe it?
I bumped into an ex-boyfriend 2 weeks ago.
We had lunch and exchanged numbers.
Now we are going on a date. It was never officially titled a date, but I'm calling it a date. He's picking me up at MY house.
My lovely girlfriend is watching Mathew for me!
THANKS LAUREN see you tonight!
I have my outfit all picked.
I'm going to look smoking HOT!
I'm so nervous, giddy, happy, eager, and very excited!!!!
My stomach has not been sitting right for the last 2 days.

Do you all realize that I have not been on a date since 10 years ago? I have never been on an official date EVER (before Michael).

This will be so nail-biting, nerve-wrecking awesome!

Before I go let leave you with this:
Wish me luck and wish me no clutziness!

Are you a Control Freak?

About one month ago, I took off my watch and it was intentional. I knew for me that wearing a watch was a symbolic feeling of control. I can't remember the last time I didn't wear a watch. I let go of my watch to let go of the control freak in me. And in this last month, I feel liberated (for other reasons as well).

If I were to be described a sitcom character, Monica Gellar would be the best fit. I am competitive, freakishly athletic, controlling, compulsively organized, and a perfectionist! I'm not ashamed of it because I know I'm not extreme (most of the time anyway). I think it's almost comical in a way.

According to a test online:
You Are 52% Control Freak

Generally, you are in control but not a control freak. Your life is usually in order.
However, sometimes you get too obsessed with making everything in your life picture perfect.

Are You A Control Freak?

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I'm a single parent and proud. I take credit for all of Mathew, for who he is, and for who he will become. I am his everything. I am his mom, his dad, and his friend. And the funny thing is that he is my everything too! And one day he will be taking credit for who I am and who I have become!

By the way, I'm bringing Sexy Back!

It's a process...

And it's ALL catching up with me. I am completely drained in all the senses. My body is starting to feel sick. I'm tired all the time (even with 8-9 hours of sleep). I eat sufficiently, but probably not enough. But most of all, I am losing my mind. My mind is dull and in desperate need of release. I'm lonely for company. Not the lonely, I need a guy in my life kind. Although a little male company wouldn't hurt either. I meant lonely in a very broad sense. I am in need of adult conversations, mingling and meeting new people, going out for drinks or dinner, going back to my dancing every Wednesday night, or going to the gym everyday. These are the things I miss. These are things I so desperately need! I am actively working on regaining these things in my life. It's hard!

I am still struggling. I still feel pain and sadness inside. But let me be clear on one thing: I'm over the marriage and my soon to be ex-husband. What I am working on is getting through this process. I do not want to sit idly watching life pass me by. I'm working on regaining my life back, with my new addition to it: Mathew. And it's not easy. This process is something I just have to endure. I can't skip ahead. I need to go through this to get to where I am going. But while I endure this process and this time, I will do so with the utmost class and civility, and look goddamn HOT all the while.

Before I go, let me just finish by saying:
I'm not looking for pity or guilt, I'm just here trying to vent and let it all out. I believe, no, actually I know as a matter of fact, that I WILL be better than I would have been!

Queen Size Bed

It's now been a month that I've been sleeping on a queen size bed alone. I'm still sleeping on "my side." As if it matters anymore. Well last night, I chose to sleep smack dab in the middle of the bed. And to no avail I slowly inched over to my side of the bed. Not to mention, being in the middle of the bed is not convenient for: getting up to go to the bathroom, looking over at the nightstand clock, answering the phone, turning the baby video monitor on, getting the remote control or other battery operated devices, you know it's just not convenient. I bet you didn't think of those things. Anyway, I may not be sleeping smack dab in the middle of the bed, but I am definitely sleeping spread out, no shame legs apart. And by the way, just to let you know "my side" of the bed is usually the side of the bed farthest from the window. Freaky weird, I know! It's a whole long childhood story, ask me and I'll tell you one day.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I have a sudden urge to go visit Hawaii.

Rainbows

I saw a rainbow this morning on my commute. It made me smile and reminisce of my childhood. I remember always looking for rainbows. I always felt that if I spotted a rainbow the rest of my day would be great! I would make sure to announce the rainbow, making sure everyone got to enjoy the colors too. A rainbow equals smiles and happiness. I still get so happy when I see one.

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky.
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

Today I am happy, I saw a rainbow.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I went shopping this weekend and got me some hot new MILF clothes. What are MILF clothes you ask? Simply stated, sexy! I got me some sexy shoes and a couple of sexy new outfits. Now all I need is to go out! Anyone?

Lonely Nights

Okay so this morning it hit me:

My nights are lonely and sad. It's just that I'm too damn busy to realize. But last night, once I put Mathew down for bed, I just wanted to relax (do nothing)! What was I thinking? Doing nothing means thinking for me, and well thinking led me back into the "It's not fair!" phase. Here I am lonely and barely having the time to breathe, yet, my soon to be ex-husband, is fishing, golfing, drinking, going out, dinner with friends, and god knows what else. How is that fair? I deeply resent him for this. Right now, I just need to BELIEVE! I need to believe that there is a reason I am going through this.

Reminder to self: Let him go! Look forward not backwards. Think Positive! And remember what a friend told me that "while he is playing and running away, you are dealng with it now, but when the reality of his decision hits him, you will have moved on." Just Believe!

Before I go, let me leave you with a Mathew update:
Mathew will be 10 months this Friday. His 2 front teeth are coming in, they are so cute! He is so cute! He is walking all over the place, it even looks like he is running sometimes. He has been giving me a hard time the last 2 nights; he just doesn't want to go to sleep. What a booger! I love him soooo much!

My New Life

In a matter of one week (about 3 weeks ago), I lost 10 pounds. I am down to less than my pre-pregnancy weight. My size 2 pants are baggy. The thing is, I don't mind. I feel good about all the weight loss. The other thing is I haven't been starving myself or dieting - just stressing and crying. Maybe someone should do a study on the effects of crying to your physical body. Maybe crying burns a lot of calories. Maybe I should write a book on the sure way to lose weight: STRESS OUT. I can make videos and infomercials and become rich. LOL. Anyway, I'm taking this weight change as a sign. It's time to buy new clothes and start new. I will move forward in a positive way. I will firm up my body. I will go shopping for a sexy new wardrobe, sexy new shoes (my shoe size is the same, but I gotta buy new shoes with the new wardrobe). I will decorate my new house in my own style. I will paint the walls with my color of choice. I will replace the pictures in all the old frames with new pictures of just Mathew and me (Harley too). I will keep smiling (and probably cry a little too). But most of all I will be moving forward.

Thanks for everyone's support and thoughts. I have my bad days, but overall I am looking forward to my new life with my beautiful son.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I love chocolate. I've noticed that my body has been craving it a lot lately. Is chocolate addictive? Possibly, it does have caffeine. It also triggers dopamine in the brain, which is the same as what heroin does - addictive? I'd say so! Am I addicted? Maybe!? It's obvious that during stressful times in my life I turn to chocolate.

Chocolate simply satisfies!

Music

Mathew - I sing this song to you.
I Love You!

Artist: Reba McEntire
Song: You're Gonna Be

6lbs and 9oz. lookin' up at me (well Mathew was 9 lbs...)
Like I have all the answers
I hope I have the ones you need
I've never really done this, now I know what scared is

Sometimes I'll protect you from everything that's wrong
Other times I'll let you just find out on your own
But that's when you'll be growin',
And the whole time I'll be knowin

CHORUS:
You're gonna fly with every dream you chase
You're gonna cry, but know that that's okay
Sometimes life's not fair, but if you hang in there
You're gonna see that sometimes bad is good
We just have to believe things work out like they should
Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me
You're gonna be

I'm afraid you'll have to suffer through
some of my mistakes
Lord knows I'll be trying to give you what it takes
What it takes to know the difference
Between getting by and livin'

'Cause anything worth doing is worth doing all the way
Just know you'll have to live with all
the choices that you make
So make sure you're always givin' way
more than you're takin'

You're gonna fly with every dream you chase
You're gonna cry, but know that that's okay
Sometimes life's not fair, but if you hang in there
You're gonna see that sometimes bad is good
We just have to believe things work out like they should
Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me
You're gonna be

Someone's everything
You're gonna see
Just what you are to me

You're gonna fly with every dream you chase
We just have to believe things work out like they should
Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me
You're gonna be
Always loved by me


Before I go, let me say:
I love music! It's amazing how lyrics can apply so perfectly to your situation, like the song was written for you. And then how it can also fit so appropriately for someone else's unique situation. I love the lyrics and words, and the feelings and emotions it evokes, the sounds, rhythms, and beats that make you dance, the goosebumps, the screaming, the crying, the head bobbing, all of it....Music just gets me...music is in my soul!

"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul."

Thank you!

Thank you friends for listening to me and helping me go through this process. It's still a long road ahead for me and it will be hard, but I know I can make it, especially with you all by my side.

Putting the stuff in my head on paper is my release. So now it's just in a blog format. Of course, in my blogs I use a little discretion and refrain A LOT.

Anyway, thanks for reading my blogs! And stay tuned, I am on my way.

Before I go again for the second time today, let me just say:
I love you, man!

New Attitude

I've come to the point where I don't think I want him back. How can I take him back? Why am I fighting for him still? He's not the man I love anymore. Just let him go. Let him be happy. Give him what he wants a divorce.

"I want a man by my side not a boy who runs and hides." - Kelly Clarkson, Walk Away

Before I go to visit my baby at daycare, let me leave you with this:
Fear is only temporary, but regret is forever.
He will learn this the hard way.

Gray

How do I love someone that doesn't love me back, that doesn't want to be with me? How do I accept that? How do I learn to stop loving him? I keep asking myself: How did I get here? Why? How can someone just cut you out of your life? After all the years and love we've shared, is it that easy to forget? I don't understand. It hurts! It hurts to think of what I had and what it should be. I used to feel like the luckiest person on this earth to have found a love so deep and so true. I hoped others could find a love like mine. How did it all get screwed up? I gave my husband, this marriage, everything I had to give. And here I am now standing with my son, wondering how and why? It doesn't make sense. How am I supposed to stop loving him, give up, and move on? The memories aren't even old, they are still alive. The dreams we shared are still so fresh.

I just needed to let this out.

Before I go, let me leave you with the color of my day:
Outside my window, all I see is the color gray. How fitting?

It's not fair!

Its not fair...
...that I have no choice.
...that I have no control over the situation.
...that he didn't even try.
...that I don't know why.
...that I cry everyday.
...that this is happening to me.
...that I don't have many good days.
...that my road ahead will be so hard.

This is just not fair! It's not even a little fair!

Before I go and dry my tears, let me leave you with another song:
Life Ain't Always Beautiful by Gary Allan

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin' it's sweet time

CHOURS
No, life ain't always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life ain't always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way

But the struggles make me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has its own way of takin' it's sweet time

No, life ain't always beautiful
But i know i'll be fine
Hey, life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

What Hurts The Most

Artist/Band: Rascal Flatts
Lyrics for Song: What Hurts The Most

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That dont bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
Im not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend Im ok
But thats not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin to do

Its hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But Im doin It
Its hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and Im alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
Thats what I was trying to do

Here we go again...

1 therapy session and 2 weeks later, he leaves us again.

What hurts the most is that it doesn't matter what I want, or how I feel or think. My dreams and plans of a family are shattering and I can't do anything about it. I have to deal with his decision to leave - without trying, without explanation. I have to live with that, Mathew has to live with that. I have to start over and be strong (for at least Mathew's sake). I don't understand what he is going through and I probably never will. Why is he giving up? Why is he just throwing everything away? So many questions and no answers...

I need to let go of hope and look forward to a new future. Build new dreams. I will come out of this stronger and happier. That which doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. I just need time...

Before I go, let me say:
Wherever the road leads Mathew and me, at least we have each other. My sunshine!

First Week Back

Today marks Mathew's first full week at day care. Today also marks my first full week back in the office since August. Wow! It's been that long. The week was not too bad for either of us. We are adjusting pretty quickly to "his" new and "my" old surroundings considering we have spent the last 9 months inseparable. I am overjoyed to see him grow up and become more independent...no crying on my part! But I do miss him.

By the end of this week, Mathew and I acquired a pretty nice schedule. Our morning starts by Mathew waking up around 6am, and follows with breastfeeding, changing diaper, walking the dog, I shower/get ready (while Mathew watches Baby Einstein), prepare lunch bag, feed him breakfast, change his clothes, and walk out the door. I visit him at the day care around 1-1:30pm for a breastfeeding. We play a bit and I go back to work. Pick him up at 5ish and off to the night time routine: walk the dog, play, dinner, bath time, breastfeeding, bed. And do that again the next day. Thank god for weekends!!!

So, about the daycare: Mathew started with a runny nose yesterday (to be expected). He loves to play and interact with the other kids. He waves and smiles when I say bye-bye, although a couple of times he cried. He started off not eating well, but that didn't last. He needs his food. He eats like a pig and doesn't refuse anything. They are working on his napping routine, which was even quite difficult for me. Overall, I think he loves it!

About my days back in the office: nothing new, keeping to myself, doing what I have to at work and leaving it behind when I go home, my priorities have obviously changed. No more political office BS, please! No more gossip! No more complaints! Just keep me out of it all, I don't want it. I just want to see my baby...I look forward in the morning to see him at lunch, then I look forward to picking him up.

The best part of this experience has been the HUGS and SMILES I get every time I see him. It brightens my day (I'm sure his too). I just love it, love it, love it! He recognizes me through the little window at the door, he speed crawls to me with the biggest SMILE ever, and gives me this bear HUG that I can't get out of (nor do I want to). He's awesome!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.

Relax

I just read this and wanted to share:

1. Recognize that whether by master stroke or pure chance, there is great intelligence in the universe.
Fact: A single human cell measuring 1/1,000 of an inch across contains instructions within its DNA that would fill 1,000 books of 600 pages each (Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now)

2. Minimize resistance.
Nothing on earth can overcome an absolutely non-resistant person. Florence Shinn

3. Spend time in nature.
Genius learns from nature.- Oscar Wilde

4. Be patient with your struggles and challenges.
Infinite patience yields immediate results. Wayne Dyer

5. Free the mind from daily routines.
Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery. None but ourselves can free the mind. Bob Marley

6. Smile, everything is evolving just as it should.
Sometimes joy is the source of your smile but sometimes a smile is the source of your joy. Thich Nhat Han

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I noticed recently this strong urge to plunge into MORE books! I always take a book with me everywhere I go. You just never know when you will have a moment to read the next chapter. In my case lately, I read when Mathew falls asleep in the car, (after I parked of course...lol). Lately, I just can't read fast enough. I have a list of books waiting for me. I can't wait to read them all. The anticipation of the ending of my current book and the craving to start the next book are exhilarating me.

He's Back!

Phone rings and to my surprise its my husband. I gave him a speech, not to change his mind as much as just to let it all out. Hours after my rant, he called me back. He wants to come back home and work on our marriage.

Don't come back out of guilt or obligation. Don't come back so you can say you tried just to leave later with no guilt. It will be hard work, but we can make it if we try,just the two of us. Who sings that song anyway? "Building castles in the sky...just the two of us, we can make it if we try..."

With empty promises in the past, only time will tell. I am remaining optimistic but airing on the side of caution.

So he's back, we shall see.

On another note, Mathew's first day at day care was great. The teacher's said he had a great time. He did fuss a little bit, but they said it was normal for a rookie. He definitely missed me. When I came by to visit around 1pm, he quickly scampered to me and gave me a hug and would not let go. It was the best HUG in the world. He did it again when I came back at 5pm. It was so sweet. It melted my heart, my little prince charming!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
We all have a childhood dream that when there is love, everything goes like silk, but the reality is that marriage requires a lot of compromise.
More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.

Emotional Day

I am all talked out. I am pooped. I am drained. I am tired, tired emotionally. And it's just the beginning.

Today, my husband moved to a friend's house. Yes, it's really happening. Crazy, huh? Being alone at home has not hit me yet. I don't feel the pain of being alone yet. Maybe I'm just numb!

I will be moving into the new townhouse sans husband. We got the keys finally, so now whenever I find the time to pack, I can move. I'm starting back in the office full time tomorrow. At night, I don't really feel like packing. On the weekends, I don't feel like staying in the house. So, maybe I need to take a day off from work, but still drop Mathew off at day care. My goal is to move into the new townhouse as soon as possible, but definitely by mid-July.

Big day tomorrow for Mathew- 1st day at daycare. While packing his stuff tonight, I realized how much I'm going to miss him. I'm going to miss his feedings, naps, babbles, tears, smiles, laughs, skills. I'm going to miss it all. I wont be there to see his every move, to hear his giggle, to touch his silky hair, to smell his foul odors, it will be hard!!! I'll be late for work tomorrow, no doubt! I won't want to leave him.

Before I go, let me leave you with a reminder for myself:
Take things slowly, breathe, relax, and focus on the little things. Don't think too far ahead. Keep it simple, one day at a time. Take care of myself and Mathew. And don't forget to EAT, EAT, EAT!

Is it really over?

I'm finally home, no more traveling for a while, please. I just got back from St. Pete's Beach. Michael had a police conference and I joined him. Mathew and I had a blast; morning strolls, feeding swans, swimming in the pool, playing on the beach shores, taking naps, visited the Florida Aquarium (in Tampa), and just spent the best quality time together. Mathew starts day care on Monday, so it was a perfect week for the two of us!

However, this trip was far from perfect for my husband and I. My life is turning upside down, and I am searching for ways to look up and smile. My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years, we have a 9 month old son, own a townhouse, have successful careers, are financially stable...all our goals and dreams have come true, but now my husband wants out. What is supposed to be the best time of our lives has been the most trying! I don't believe we have tried every (or any for that matter) avenue to save this marriage, but I cannot force someone to do things they don't want to. I've shed many tears and there is this hole in my heart now. I've been hanging on to this shred of hope that this has all been a bad dream, it just doesn't seem real. I kept telling myself this is not happening to me, it can't. We were this perfect couple, the couple everyone envied. He was my best friend! What went wrong? It didn't/doesn't make sense. But that shred of hope I hung onto drove me into sporadic bouts of misery and depression. It is time to see that there is no hope if only one person wants it. I can fight for this marriage but never win if I'm the only one fighting for it. I'm not giving up, I'm moving on, I'm facing "his" reality. I am strong. I am resilient. I will love again. Most of all I will be the best mom to my son, Mathew.

For most of you reading this, it will be the first you hear of my heartache. Im sorry I didn't share with you my deepest feelings. Maybe I was just afraid to admit what was really going on. After all these months of sorrow, I need my friends more than ever. Remind me that I will make it through this and will find the light at the end of the tunnel (how cliché, huh?).

My mind and heart needs to be reset. I had all these dreams of my family, our future dream home, retirement together, traveling in an RV cross country, going on a cruise to the Caribbean, growing old together, and every little detail you can imagine, it was all played out in my mind. I have to now erase it all and hit the reset button, start new dreams, new images, and new plans for my life. I will first start by taking one day at a time. I'll build the rest later.

Before I go catch some Z's, let me leave you with my daily serenity prayer these days:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

Bad Day

:(

Back at Work!

I'm back at work today, which is actually nice. I'm not overloaded thanks to my wonderful assistant, Michelle. She makes going on vacation worry free. I'm sure most of you can relate to my old feelings on going away for vacation: I probably shouldn't go for too long, since work will just pile up anyway. Or I might miss something important. Or I cant miss any meetings. Or I feel bad. Bleh!

Luckily, I don't feel like that anymore!!! My assistant can keep me up to date while I'm away and I have no fear of job security. She gets major kudos!

So now when I get back, I can talk about my trip, show off pictures (not ready yet though), and get filled in on the office gossip. Today was an easy day back. Thanks Michelle!!! And sorry again for leaving you next week too! Have to use my vacation time by July 1 or I lose it.

Before I go finish up my work day, let me leave you with this:
Incompetence is one of my least favorite traits if not THE worst!

We had our closing today on the townhouse that we are moving into. The people we were dealing with at closing were incompetent to say the least. Got there for an 11am appt. (there is Miami Lakes by the way)waited until 11:45 to be seen and to find out that the settlement statement is WRONG. So off to lunch to buy them time to fix it Back at 12:45and we are not seen until 1:30pm finally signing away with my eyes closed we left by 2pm. ARGH!!!!! AND we don't even have the Damn keys yet!!!!

Home Sweet Home

Last blog from Boston. We head home tomorrow morning. I get to sleep in my own bed, with my own pillows. And shower with all my toiletries...all of them (not just the travel sizes). I get to pick out my outfit from my whole wardrobe, not just my luggage. I can wake up and go wherever and whenever I want with my own car. I can play my CD's. I can listen to XM radio! I can watch TV. YAY!!! TV! I didn't realize how much I miss my TV until right now. I have TiVo, so lots of catching up to do. I can talk to my friends on the phone. I will go back to taking my long walks with Harley (our poochie) and Mathew. I miss my walks. I miss Saturday mornings with Mathew at school. I get to eat in. All these nights of eating out and all I want to do now is eat a nice home cooked meal (at home).

I am such a home-body...I love home sweet home!

Before I go to pack, let me leave you with this:
I had rather be on my farm than be emperor of the world. ~George Washington. I couldn't agree more!

Typical Boston Day

Today is a typical Boston day that I have come to know, but definitely not love:

Grey, rainy, cold, windy...
Boring, quiet, dull...
Traffic, rocky roads, construction...

My arthritis is acting up...knees, ankles/toes, hips/back, wrist/fingers...it sucks!!!!

Went into town yesterday (Boston that is - the parents live in Bridgewater, which is about 20 minutes - no traffic- away from the city) Yesterday was probably our last nice day here. Faneuil Hall, Quincy Market, North End, Harbor walk, New England Aquarium, all still look familiar...I love the city and the history that goes with it...it's beautiful. Only one problem I see - Express, Gap, and company have moved in...slowly all the mom and pop shops are being bought out by big chain stores. Don't get me wrong I like shopping at these stores just like anyone else, but at the MALL...not a historic or vacation spot. Duval street in Key West is also being destroyed by these places. Newport, Rhode Island too! I'm sure it's happening everywhere...I think it's sad that they can just come in and ruin a small town, a vacation spot, a historic area...I boycott shopping at the stores in those locations! I know it doesn't do much, but that's my way of sticking it to them...LOL!

For those of you familiar with the Big Dig, it's still going on - GEEZ ...a ten year project for the city that is now going on 20 years...yikes!

Today is Wednesday, spaghetti night!

So before I go to join the family for their Wednesday night tradition, let me leave you with this:
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult. - Charlotte Whitton

Food for Thought

I'm back!

The drive through New Hampshire and Vermont was spectacular. Mother nature is so beautiful and amazing. It leaves me thinking with so many questions and thoughts. When I drove (hubby and baby asleep in back) my eyes and mind kept wandering...

- The mountains were just waves and waves of green trees. For those of you that don't know, I love trees!!! Trees with flowers, trees with just leaves, even bare trees and burnt trees. I write about them, draw them, and as you've read in previous blogs, they are part of my happy place and my rest in peace place. So you can imagine I was in heaven on this scenic drive...trees for miles...I never saw so many trees at once. I wondered what was underneath all those trees. I must of skipped geography class. What are mountains made of? Granite rock? Dirt? Is it just trees? If you mowed down all the trees what would be left? Would the massive shape of the mountain still be there or would it be half the size? Wouldn't be cool if an artist gave all the trees a haircut and re-shaped the mountain to look like something else? Like spiky hair or mohawks! The curves of the mountains were so natural and real, like a womans healthy body...it was amazing how all the trees were exactly the same height at all the right places. I did see a few taller ones that stood out...they like to be noticed I guess. The fall must be the best time of the year to drive this route. How do these trees survive with no maintenance and no care? They survive the harsh winters and still manage to bloom millions of leaves, so much so, that the the surface of the mountain is unseen.

- The clouds were touching the mountains, I wonder if I was up at the top of the mountain would I be able to feel the clouds (probably something I missed in science class). What would it feel like, cotton candy?

-I would see in the median of the highway patches of wildflower...purple, pink and white...they were so beautiful as if someone intentionally planted them...How did they get there? Again another lesson in science class...Something about pollenation right? Anyway, it was weird because they were just scattered tiny patches here and there, but so pretty! Most people couldn't keep them in their own yards.

- Road signs you wouldn't see in Florida: -Moose Crossing - Bear Crossing - Deer Crossing -Falling Rocks (yes watch out for falling rocks - I guess you are supposed to be able to weave in and about during falling rocks! - no rocks falling when I drove - whew!) And Something about low salt (having to do with the snowy times)....oh and also - Bridge freezes first before road (or something like that).

-The highway (route 89 South) was long! I tried using cruise control, but forget about it! It goes up and up, then down and down, all the meanwhile curving round and round. Was the highway built all at once? How long did it take to build? They had to cut through the mountains to build this highway...that is very hard to imagine for me. I mean the highway was like driving a mountain itself...it had valleys and peaks...my ears were even popping during the ups and downs. How come there are no mountains in Florida? They have them in California? One day, Mathew will answer a lot of these science questions for me when he starts school...ha!

-Border crossing - How is the whole border protected? Whats to say that someone cant walk across the border (either way) by foot through the mountains? Do they have a fence along the whole border (impossible!)? Video cameras (impossible)? I mean really the whole border cannot be protected. When we crossed the border, to our right and to our left were huge forest mountains...desperation can make that trek - no problem. How is the government going to enforce stricter border policies, if someone doesn't have to drive to cross the border? How is the U.S. going to be protected by terrorists? How are we supposed to feel safe? I'm sure you have all heard about the Toronto terrorist plot. Good job by the Canadian officials who stopped their plans. Which leaves me with this question: why the hell is Bush worrying about constitutional amendments regarding same sex marriage and not about terrorists, war in Iraq, gas prices, and our economy?

Anyway...
So besides the amazing views of Mother Nature, Montreal was great! I got to see family I probably haven't seen for over 10 years! Crazy! Cousins I wouldn't even have recognized if they walked by me in the street. I hope to go back in August for one of my cousins wedding. If Mathew is walking by then, she might make him the ring bearer or something...how cute would that be?

Montreal was tough on Mathew...he didn't sleep well at all! Which means Michael was grumpy. Daddy needs his sleep or else!!!! Anyway, so that was hard, real hard! We didn't get to enjoy Saturday that much either because it was rainy, grey and cold (like Boston).

Before I go eat dessert, let me leave you with this other thought I had on our drive:
How did red barns get started? Who decided to make red barns the national symbol for all farm barns? When we say barn, we think of a red bard with white trimmings...why?

P.S. This long blog should make up for the days missed. Hope you enjoyed it!

Day 3 & 4

Went shopping on Day 3 at the Wrentham Outlet Mall.

Today Mathew and I hung out with my friend, Sue.

Leaving for Montreal tomorrow...yippy!
(but won't have computer access)

Before I go, let me leave you with some Mathew updates:
He is now eating table food, such as meatloaf, grill cheese sandwich, mashed potates, mac-n-cheese, meatballs, french fries...he basically eats it all!
He is also now walking with one of those push carts. That started yesterday. He'll be walking in no time.

Day 2

Day trip to Newport, Rhosde Island

I love, love Newport!!! Michael and I went many years ago and I just fell in love with the city. It is so quaint and romantic.
Another gorgeous day...

Mansions overlooking the breathtaking cliffs...
Unique shops on cobblestone roads...
Beautiful sailboats along the port...
Scenic coastlines...
Lunch and drinks at the Brick Alley Pub...
Found baby t-shirt that says "Yankees Yuk"...
Ali, they have the tennis hall of fame (went on last trip)...

Before I go to play with Mathew, let me leave you with this:
Rather than moving up here, I'll just build a New England style home in South
Florida on a one acre lot. Of course, I have to win the lottery first. ha!

P.S. Forgot to add - It's our 2 year anniversary today!!!

Day 1

Today in Boston.

Beautiful weather...gorgeous views...envious of the new england style homes (and the yards)...seeing the family...and hung out with the old Boston friends...

I look forward to Wednesday night. Michael grew up with spaghetti night every Wednesday. That tradition still lives on here in Boston. So this Wednesday the family (4 sisters, 1 brother, 9 kids, and us) will be under one roof. The place will be loud, messy, but lots of FUN!

Before I go to read, let me leave you with this:
If New England had only 3 months of winter (or less), I'd move here in a heart beat!

Fenugreek

Earlier this week, my milk supply started diminishing. Stress, skipping my pumping sessions probably all didnt help. I started feeling depressed about it and realized I really want to continue breastfeeding. Ive always said I wanted to for at least one year, but it hit me that I really, really wanted to. Does that make sense? Its like you dont know what you have until its gone. Well, as soon as I was losing the milk, I was feeling sad, disappointed, and depressed. I did some research (like I always do Im a dork like that). I found an herb called Fenugreek, which according to ancient myths, it helps increase breast milk production. I started my first dose last night. I am not ready to give up breastfeeding yet. Since last night, Ive already noticed an increase in the milk production. Im feeling optimistic that I will get to continue breastfeeding whereas two nights ago I was preparing myself for the devastation of the disconnect between mother and child, of having to turn to formula yuk! It looks like I wont have to worry about that now.

I am thankful for herbal remedies! Isn't this earth the best? This just reaffirms my beliefs that the earth (organic) is best! Trust me I'm not fanatical to say the least, but I am aware of my choices.

Before I go for my first therapy session ever, let me leave you with this excerpt from an article I was reading today:

Marriage is not a fairy tale. The love you share with your mate will change over time. What you need out of your relationship will change over time. The excitement will eventually wear off. Your patience and devotion will be tested. Marriage requires you to give of yourself, to make sacrifices, and to admit when you are wrong. It requires you to forgive when you really don't want to, and to keep on trying no matter how hard you want to give up. It takes dedication, commitment, honesty, and effort to make a marriage last. There is no magic formula to making a marriage work. Many people enter a marriage expecting their partner to make them "happy" or "complete". However, only you can be held responsible for your own happiness. By taking the time to think about your future and sharing your thoughts with your partner, you have already taken the first step in making sure your relationship can stand the test of time.

Billow

This was last night's blog, but was unable to post it. That was frustrating, so I decided to wait until morning to post it. So here it goes:

Billow
I learned a new word today, Billow.
My friend, Lauren, liked my billowy blouse.

To surge or roll in billows; like a wave in the ocean.
To swell out or bulge; like sheets billowing in the breeze.

I hope this word was a new one for you too!

Before I go bake cupcakes, let me leave you with this:
Ever notice that men are really from Mars and women are from Venus? Men are just emotionally inept. They are so out of tune. I'm sure men would say we don't get it either. If you could choose, which planet would you want to come from? I would still want to come from Venus even knowing what I know now.

P.S. This morning I am pissed off at a colleague. She wanted to take over a major function from my position, behind my back. She went right to the boss. What a bitch! Thankfully, the boss is on my side. HA! But the nerve of her! I could go on about this, but I won't. Just know that she's a bleeping bitch!

The Sound of Rain

The steady stream of water falling down has drowned my ears all day long.
If my ears could talk, what would they say?
Horizontal rain slams into the windows.
Thundering drum rolls wavering in the air.
Wind shrieks through the trees and breezeways.
Crashing waves plunge into the street gutters from the squealing tires.
Rain drops drip into puddles.
Soft ringing wind chimes howling from the wind.
Dribbling sounds of pitter patter from the left over rain drops hanging on the leaves.
The constant sounds of rain surround me.
My mood is drab.
The sun has not peaked out.
It's hiding from the world today.
The day is dreadfully slow.
And its starting to get to me.
I'm in the mood to do nothing now.
My ears yearn for silence.
Yet, the sounds are so inviting.
Inviting to that comfy cozy feeling bundled up next to the one you love (or a good book).

Had to come back and add my last thought (since I forgot)...the before I go, let me leave you with this part:
I always know when it's going to rain or cold outside; my arthritis starts acting up, especially in my knees.

Fun in the Sun

Today was a family day in the pool.

Mathew loves the water. He had so much fun. I dunked him under water today for the first time. He did great, made funny faces, and laughed a lot.

I look forward to many more days in the pool with Mathew.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mommies out there! This is just one day to remind you that the other 364 days *you are special*

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
Always try to see the glass half full!

Pookie

My son's nickname: Pookie

No idea where it came from, what it stands for, its meaning, or even its spelling. I just started saying the word and it stuck: Pookie! Its not pronounced like the word puke, but more like the name Suki or like snookie.
Apparently, after just now looking it up "Pookie" is a common euphemism to describe something cute. Garfield's teddy bear is named Pooky. I didn't even know it existed. Oh well, I must have picked it up from somewhere.

Before I go, let me leave you with this question:
We all had nicknames from our parents. Mine were nany or as my dad still calls me nanny poo-poo. What was your childhood nickname given to you by your parents?