confession of a mother

on mother's day 2014, i'd like to make a confession. here it goes.
i hate mother's day.
there i said it.

yes, i'm a mother of an 8 year old boy and a step mother to 7 and 10 year old boys.

i don't want only this day to tell me i'm the best mom.
i don't want flowers or gifts because the calendar tells you to buy it for me.
i don't need the pressure of having to do the same for all the mother's i know.
i can't go to my favorite restaurant anyway, it's a two hour wait.
i have to spend my day celebrating motherhood, without my two step sons.
i have to share this day with my mother and mother-in-law (no offense moms).

so why is this day so special? it just isn't. and it shouldn't be.

maybe i'm just lucky to have a family that shares their love and appreciation regularly.
maybe i'm just throwing a pity party for a day that i know will not be my own.
maybe it's the disappointments from the years long ago.
maybe it just pisses me off how it's another business holiday, not filled with true sentiments.

either way, i would prefer if this holiday just didn't exist.

i want everyday to feel like i'm a great mom,
because i'm a mom everyday for the rest of my life.
i want to feel like a great mom even on days i suck at it. those are the days i need it most.
i want drawings and flowers on random days. this is so much more specialer.
i want hugs everyday. period.
LUCKY ME, i do.
i am the luckiest mom in the world.


so to all the mother's out there:
happy mother's day, everyday but this one!
you are more special than just on today.

i have a dream: it's a quiet revolution

i am a dreamer. an utterly, hopeless dreamer. the kind that literally imagines all the people sharing all the world and the world living as one. yup, that kind of dreamer. i know, i must be naive or stupid. yet, i'm still hopeful for a day like that. although, lately the more informed i become about this world and this country specifically, the dimmer my hope gets. i get so frustrated, i cry, i rant on and on, and i drive my fiancee crazy with my ideas and opinions and dreams. i find myself asking almost everyday, what can i do, how can i make a difference, can i make a change in this world in the right direction. i am trying to be the change i want to see in this world, little by little. but it is so damn hard. this system we live in is so corrupt and money driven, it is just pure exploitation.

so what do we do
bring down the unjust system.
how do we do it?
we have a quiet revolution!

all over the media (if you look hard enough), there are uprisings, riots, protests and violence all over the world. in turkey, brazil, syria, parts of europe and now egypt. i'm not talking about this though.

i'm talking about a peaceful, spiritual, quiet revolution.
what the hell is that you ask?
for one thing, it's better for your soul.
but it starts with the need to rid this society of big corporations and big pharmaceutical companies. for the sake of this blog, let's call them the "evil empire." their interests do not lie with serving us or with healing us, they are only interested in greed and power. the evil empire make us sick and help keep us sick. they are taking away our earth's resources and then selling it to us as if its something we don't have rights to. they control our food, our medicine, our government, our laws, our way of life. they created a life of dependency. we live in this perpetual cycle, a fucking hamster wheel. this society is not normal, this society is corrupt and broken. as a nation we are circling the drain. so we all agree, we need to bring down the evil empire. good.
now let's talk about why they are in power. we buy the products they manufacture. we buy and support the agriculture that kills our earth and our bodies. we are the ones consuming things we don't need. we rely to heavily on their greed. we rely on their created conveniences. we rely on quick and easy. and as a result, we are succumbed to unhealthy and unsafe products and laws that only serve certain interests against us. the rich get richer, the poor get poorer and the middle are stuck in the middle.

to me, the irony behind all this is that in actuality, we are the one's in control. we feed the evil empire. we keep running in our fucking hamster wheel. it's time to stop running and start living. this is where the quiet revolution comes in to play. it's in our way of life. so i say, we take back what is rightfully ours. we take back the power that is in our own hands. without violence, without war. without even protesting. we change our way of life.

this quiet revolution i'm referring to has been talked about and discussed in other articles and online media outlets. it's already being practiced in some parts of the world. it's changing the system from within yourself. we need to find a more humanitarian way of life. we start by questioning everything we learned. we doubt the authenticity of where we learned it. allow ourselves to accept new ideas, new ways of life (or the old ways of life). we have the power to stop feeding the evil empire and to start feeding ourselves. we need to stop lining their pockets with our hard earned money. it is about becoming more self-sufficient, self-reliant. we need to live a more sustainable life. we stop buying their products. we buy organic and local. we make home-made products. we use earth's resources for our needs. we help thy neighbors. if the evil empire stops being profitable, they will stop having "control" over the government and us. we have the power.

ultimately, the foundation of this quiet revolution can only be built on human compassion. it is imperative for the survival of this fight, to find the compassion in our hearts we were all born with. compassion is the key to this revolution. we need to be more neighborly. 

this blog started with a dream. i envision one day living in a community, where i know all my neighbors. we all have gardens and barter each others crops. each house has different vegetables and fruits and we all share the land and the food. we help each other with gardening tips and care for each others gardens while away. our neighbors and i would also share and barter our many different skill sets; mechanics, handy man, doctors, seamstress, lawyers and so forth. we would all use each others services to help one another, no money exchanges, just a simple bartering system. our compassion for each other, our neighborly love will make us thrive! and best of all, we would limit the money we put in the hands of the evil empire. a simple dream for a dreamer like me.

can you see what i see? am i crazy dreamer to believe this quiet revolution will save us from the evil empire and save this earth we live on. i know our souls will thank us and mother nature will embrace us. 

do you feel the power in your hands? do you want to bring down the evil empire? then join me in this quiet revolution. become informed, spread the message. let's all help one another. let's make this dream come true. i am inspired today as we mark the 50th anniversary of MLK's speech to make my dream come true. if he can inspire the masses to make such a remarkable difference in this world, we all can do the same. let's be the change we wish to see in the world. let's start now.

my dream starts with a garden. i hope to shine the light brighter on me, my children, and the future of this world.

i have a dream. it's a dream of a quiet revolution. i have a dream of a world where we all live as one.



side note: while writing this, i had a song in my head and it fits perfectly, actually i was changing the words of the song with the words in this blog. lol. it was fun.

Revolution, by the Beatles

You say you want a revolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world

You tell me that it's evolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world

Don't you know it's gonna be all right?

All right, all right

i'm surrounded by idiots

work is the only place that makes me question my perception of reality. i understand we all have different perceptions of reality. it's normal, it's healthy. but for the most part, we understand and realize our perceptions can be skewed. reality is skewed by experiences, emotions, and/or personalities. or is reality just that, perceptions?

for me, at work, i constantly question my perceptions. am i the only one that sees the things i see? am i the only one that feels the things i feel? is it just me? i'm clearly not going to write the details about my job on a public blog post. but what i can say is that my work environment makes me question myself...AND those that surround me. i feel so alone at work.

so to make myself feel better, i have purchased a button for my desk. the button is very much like the "easy button" from staples. except this button says in scar's voice from the lion king "i'm surrounded by idiots."

maybe it's not perceptions, it's just the people. or maybe my reality just sucks and i'm the idiot.

either way, i'm going to embrace my perception: "i''m surrounded by idiots"
and that i'm a true genius...
as it is said by jonathan swift:

when a true genius appears in the world,

you may know him by the sign, that the dunces

are all in confederacy against him

Well, hello there...

so, yeah i've been a stranger in the blogosphere for almost two years. i suck. and i hope my two blog fans don't hate me. are you both still there? i'm not proud of my disappearance. all i have are lame excuses, like no time, children, and work. but whatever...excuses are for lame-o's.

i had lunch with a very dear friend and soul sister, camile! she brought back to my attention my blogs; how she loved my blogs and how i inspired her to blog herself. plugging her blog here. while sitting there and attempting to explain to her out loud "my excuses" for not blogging, it made me just cringe. it was pathetic really. i mean how am i supposed to get a writing career if i don't write. how can i complain about my job, the one that is a means to an end, if i'm not even trying to do what i love?! so here i am...trying to get back into it, not for the career goal (although, that would be totally awesome), but to take all the things that spin in my head and lay them all out for my (2 fan based) blog world to read, laugh, and be inspired. i might back track to some older ideas in my head; about parenting, living life to the fullest, and mostly just spewing all the crap in my head. so here goes it...

so for today, i'll just fill you in on a few things that have happened while i've been away:

• september 2011 
• went to california for the first time. i hugged thousand year old trees, slept in a tent, drank lots of wine, and met my boyfriends family
• november 2, 2011
• my first niece was born. lilianne robin azoulay. she is the daughter i'll never have.
• june 2012 
• went to vegas for the first time. we stayed in the paris hotel, won $85 in caesar's palace, molested statues, went to the grand canyon, walked the skywalk and the hoover dam bridge
• june 23, 2012 
• shot a fully automatic m-16 rifle in celebration of robin's birthday. enough said.
• august 7, 2012 
• i got a new tattoo. a big hamsa on my left side ribs. hurt like a motherfucker
• october 2012 
• i voted early. i voted obama. 
• december 1, 2012
• moved into a new place with my boyfriend and his 2 wonderful boys
• december 2012 
• i had a breast cancer scare. i have breast calcifications (that were biopsied) and four nodules that need to be monitored for the next two years. fuck cancer
• january, 2013 
• went horseback riding for the first time. sore ass.
• january 28, 2013
• purchased an ibanez artwood guitar. youtube lessons. finger tip callouses. another checkmark on my bucket list.
• february 10, 2013 
• my boyfriend propsed to me. i am now engaged to my soul mate. 

...and today, i am still planning a wedding, raising three amazing boys, managing my time poorly, dealing with chronic neck problems, frustrated with people, inconsistently working out, devouring chocolate daily (no seriously, every day!), falling asleep early, cursing like a fucking trucker, misplacing my patience, and most importantly loving on the four men in my life.

i'd like to close with a quote from my son:
"i moustache you a question. but i'll shave it for later"

    i'm a tree-hugger!

Grief Envy

‎"the deeper the grief, the more radiant the love"

this sentence was like swallowing a ball of razors. these nine words throwing a wrench in my head. i've already been battling with ideas of not grieving enough. do i mourn deeply enough? do i cry enough? do i miss him enough? do i think about him enough? do i feel sorrow enough? do i hurt enough? 9 freaking words amounting to just 2 words for me: grief envy

yes! hi, my name is nancy and i have grief envy!

what is grief envy you might ask? 
in short, being envious of one's grief.
am i the first to have this envy?
probably not. and i probably won't be the last.
now that i have put a "definition" to what i've been feeling
maybe i can deal with it better
now that i've defined it,
maybe i can even just admit to it out loud

so here i go:
i know, i know, we all grieve in our own way. no one way is right or wrong. i'd be the first person to say this. at first, i thought my reasons for my easy grief, was that maybe i was emotionally healthy. but as i grieve, two years later, i still wonder about the depths of my relationship with my brother. i wish i had deeper grief. i wish i had more. my grief doesn't seem enough. i want to hurt more. i want to feel the sorrow deeper. when i think of robin, i grasp at flimsy memories i can barely recall. i'm losing him, his memories. then i see my little brother and i envy his grief (even though he masks it deep on the inside, i see it). i envy the relationship they had together, the countless memories he can recall. i envy the closeness they once had. again, i know, i know, i shouldn't compare relationships, yada yada yada. but still…i know i don't feel the same pain, the same hole, the same loss. i see his and i envy it. i can't help but feel like i missed out, i feel like i should have done more. something is missing and i can't get it back. it's too late. then i also see my boyfriend and i envy his grief over the loss of his brother. i'm so stupid. i know. how crazy to envy someone else's grief. seriously, someone check my head please. seeing those around me grieve the way i want to grieve over my brother, makes me question what kind of connection i had with my brother. i think to myself, if i don't cry and miss him all the time, i must not have had a deep love with him. maybe our relationship wasn't strong enough to affect my life without him. crazy, i know. ridiculous, i know. but still thoughts that run through my head.

i wish i had more, more time, more opportunity. and i can't. so i live with this guilt, this regret.

nine freaking words

"the deeper the grief, the more radiant the love"

how will i ever get over these words?
i can't change what it was, i have to live with what it is.
I can't make it what I want, I have to live with what I've got.
will it ever be enough to comfort me?
will i ever get over the envy?

my past is what it is

I am over feeling that my past is something to be ashamed of.
Doesn't everyone have a past?
Why is my past so different than anyone else's?
Why does my past cause so much drama?
Even if my past shows a pattern of behavior,

isn't who I am NOW all that really matters.
My past experiences (good and bad) are part of me.

Does my past make me not worthy to be loved unconditionally?
Does my past make me not trustworthy or reliable?
Does my past scare you because of your own doubts?

I am loyal and devoted to those in my life.
If I commit to you,

I give one hundred percent loyalty and devotion.
I have never shown otherwise.
And to be hurt by my past seems so unfair.
yet it happens
and it happens again
Will I ever live it down?
Will I ever learn to just shut my mouth? But then again, why should I?
Why should I carry the burden to protect your emotions?

I am over being fearful of a reaction about my past.
If I reveal too much, I live in shame, hurt and guilt.
If I omit anything from my past, I live in lies by omission.
It doesn't seem fair, leaving me with little choice.
So instead, I choose ME! This is me, take it or leave it.

I have learned,
you must accept people for who they are.
You'll end up lonely and without love otherwise.

Why is it that we can't all just accept each other for who we are?

and where we came from to get here?
People make mistakes. People won't always live up to your expectations.
People have pasts. People have regrets. People are fallible. People are human.
Love them anyway.

I have also learned,
I am in control of my own feelings.
No one can make me feel guilty or shameful but myself.

I don't want to ever even contemplate the idea of hiding my past.
I don't want to burden myself with lies of omission to spare your feelings.
I don't want ME to be taken away from me because you can't handle it.

Deal with it, I have a past.

P.S. So do you!
And if you can't deal with my past,

then just be a part of it.

Quote by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry:
The arms of love encompass you with your present, your past, your future. The arms of love gather you together.

i have morbid thoughts

I have morbid thoughts

always have

they sweep through my mind

and take residence

they consume every part of me

evicting me from my own mind

with motherhood, my morbid thoughts multiplied

my mind, a breeding ground

producing constant fear and worry

lack of control

luring tears and shaking fits

it is a wonder, i survive

with age and lessons learned, I still have morbid thoughts

fleeting though

moving in only on temporary notice

barely noticeable

as i breathe

as i meditate

serenity, courage, wisdom

the morbid thoughts crawling away on all fours

except....

in the last couple days, i continue to have morbid thoughts

dwelling in my mind

strengthening in my weakness

my biggest fear of leaving my son motherless

in a selfish act of traveling alone

anxiety, stress, dread

breathing, meditating

a facade that my morbid thoughts see right through

they've invaded completely

a horrifying world of morbid thoughts

with courage, i'm fighting

with determination, i'm winning

to manage these thoughts

and expel them from my mind

I demand to feel excitement for my journey to Israel

so i say to my morbid thoughts,

tonight you die!

(is it okay to think morbid thoughts about my morbid thoughts?)

~sol

some quotes:
...worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.
...for peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe.
...troubles are a lot like people - they grow bigger if you nurse them.

love is stronger than death

so here i am, at the end of an emotional day
endless supplies of tears and memories
and still feeling after all this time...
alone

my writings are part of my coping mechanism
a temporary mode of catharsis
as expressive as i am
as open as i am
as many tears as i've shed
i sometimes feel just as repressed as the next angst-riddled teen

it scares me to realize that even faced head on
somewhere unbeknownst to me,
there still lies anger, regret, hurt, pain, and deep sorrow
secretly bottled up in the darkest corners of my insides
always ready to boil over
always sitting over the edge
a heart forever broken
a void that can never be filled

i'll always have this feeling, this story, this missing piece in me
that I will carry for the rest of my life
some may understand, some may even empathize
but i realize now that grief can't be shared
you carry it alone
your burden in your own way

a feeling, a story, a missing piece
a responsibility I'm proud to carry
even if i carry it alone
cause in the end
love is stronger than death

~sol

Robin, I'm drowning in tears here

I fucking miss you so!

Never stop sending me messages...

they give me hope!

till we meet again bro...

my awful, beautiful life!

I realized tonight that it's time to stop blaming my ex for the current housing crisis, financial loss, and credit woes I've been struggling with. I must take ownership of my life, even the parts that seem to have been leftover from my marriage. I thought to myself "ugh, stop feeling so scorned, it's so pathetic! Even the fact it took me this long to come to this thought is pathetic. wake up!"

And I did just that, I woke up to write it all down. That's how I do. So I bolted out of my bed, ran downstairs and pulled out my macbook. Here I am, all revved up, writing at midnight when I'm usually lolly gagging in dream land. I've barely even started and I feel better already. (See Kelly, this is what I do.)

So the back story goes something like this: My ex and I purchased a pre-construction home at the peak of the housing market (as an investment). On moving day, my ex decides that our marriage is over. I struggled the first couple of years to keep and make that single family house a home for my son and I. Years later, I finally made it to that status of "financially comfortable." Mind you, that just means a lot less paycheck to paycheck. Then last year, after careful and long deliberations, I decided to sell my house. But you see, my house lost it's value. I lost the cash equity in my home, which was part of our divorce settlement. Then my equity line account was frozen due to the value of my home depreciating. And now I owe more than double the value of my home, not including the cash equity that is gone. So yeah, I blamed the ex for the shit storm I'm in. And yes, I resented him for now owning a 5-bedroom house at the now low market value. It was easy to blame him for the year's worth of drama I've been in over this house.

So here goes the long over due, don't know why I didn't think of this sooner epiphany: I made the choices that led me to where I am today. I chose to be with him, to marry him, buy that house with him. I chose to not sell it when we divorced. I chose to sell it now and suffer the consequences on my own. And just like I felt empowered to be a single mom owning a home and making it on her own, I should feel empowered too for making difficult decisions knowing the hardships we would go through, for the sake of my 2-person family's happiness. Now that's something to be proud of.

I don't know what I was thinking carrying all this divorced women's scorn around on the inside. Not good Nancy, not good at all. So even with the debt owed, bad credit, the way too high car lease payment, the downsizing and renting, and all the other non-ending negative factors that have come into my life, it is not longer due to my past marriage, but due to the choices I've made. I made it so and for good reasons. And if for nothing else, to build more character!

I love my life! and loving my life means taking the amazing with the awful, the awesome with the suck. and I choose to take it all. I and only I, made the choices that led me here today. and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I am so so thankful for this life, my life.

life is good

la vie est belle

May I be forever blessed with the awesome, sucky, amazing and awful things in my life.

I love this crazy, tragic,
Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautiful life!

the crap line of my life ends now gosh darn it

So as I promised last June in my blog called Mental Toughness, here is the crap line of my life.

Without being dramatic or seeking pity, here's the crap line of my life. Let's start with the BEST day of my life....

Oct. 4, 2005 -> best day of my life - Mathew is born
Jan, 2006 -> my husband of 6 years says he's not happy. Why? he says, "I don't know."
Jun, 2006 -> my husband leaves us and wants a divorce
Oct. 2006 -> the husband who walked out on his family finally has his son sleepover for the first time
Nov. 2006 -> I travel to Hawaii for some needed healing (without Mathew)
Nov. 2006 -> Grand epiphany - "I'm grateful that he left me"
Dec. 2006 -> I discover that the husband has a live-in girlfriend and he finally filed the divorce paperwork (interesting timing)
Feb. 2007 -> my dog, Harley, bites another dog, leading to that dog's death
Mar 2007 -> lost the animal court case, fined for animal biting
June 2007 -> the divorce is finalized, my name is back
Aug 2007 -> the ex-husband tells me his girlfriend is 5 months pregnant
Sept. 2007 -> I vacation to Spain (without Mathew)
Oct. 2007 -> I met a guy, and started falling in love
Nov 2007 -> the ex-husband marries his now 8 month pregnant girlfriend in the courthouse
Dec. 2007 -> my boyfriend moves in with us (i know, i know...it was quick)
Jun. 2008 -> got my first tattoo
Sep. 2008 -> my little brother, Philippe gets married
Sep. 2008 -> my boyfriend leaves us and doesn't look back
Sep. 2008 -> we find out my mother has cancer in her kidney
Nov. 4, 2008 -> my mom is cancer-free!
Jan. 2009 -> tried e-harmony. fail.
Feb. 2009 -> the ex-husband tells me he just bought a 5 bedroom house with a pool and asks to lower child support in the same conversation. Few days later, he asks me to stop communicating with his family
Feb. 2009 -> I have a new boss
Apr 2009 -> I make the hardest decision in my life. Harley is given up for adoption.
Aug 11, 2009 -> worst day of my life - my big brother, Robin passes away
Sept 2009 -> get my second tattoo in memory of my brother Robin
Nov 2009 -> the ex-husband tells me his wife is 8 months pregnant (only cause Mathew figured it out and told me)
Jan 2010 -> tried online dating again. fail.
Feb 2010 -> stopped paying my mortgage - I owe double the value of what my house is worth and want out of this past life.
Mar 2010 -> take Mathew to Canada to see snow
May 2010 -> get served, foreclosure lawsuit on my house (I have a short-sale contract pending)
May 2010 -> take week long vacation to Disney (mostly for me)
June 21, 2010 -> went sky diving for my brothers would be 40th birthday
August 2010 -> buyer for my short sale house withdraws contract
August 11, 2010 -> one year anniversary of my brother's death

Sept. 2010 -> work woes begin
Oct. 2010 -> Bear, our family dog passes away
Nov. 2010 -> Second buyer of my short sale declined meeting the Banks financial numbers.
Dec. 29, 2010 -> Third Buyer of my short sale house withdraws contract

Dec. 30, 2010 -> Visit the happiest place on Earth with Mathew (magic kingdom)

and now...
2011 -> the beginning of a new life line! =)

Sharing is Caring

I am an official organ donor. are you?

Yes I know it's against the Jewish religion, but so are tattoos, eating bacon, christmas trees, and marrying catholics. so why stop now ;)

no seriously, religion aside...my body is a vessel for the me that's inside. if my body, this vessel is a gift allotted for my time here on earth and I have no need for it when my soul moves on, why not share it with those in need. Sharing is caring after all. and what is this world left with, if without caring and compassion?

As an organ, tissue, and eye donor I can save up to eight lives. This is a true donation and gift of life! A final act of kindness as you depart.

For those that are interested to register and live in Florida, click here! Residents from other states can go here!

In the spirit of sharing and in light of the holiday cheer, he are some quotes to remind us about compassion, kindness, and giving:

• Don't think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to keep a total stranger alive. It's really a total stranger giving up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive. ~ Unknown
• Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not. ~Dr. Seuss
• We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give. ~Winston Churchill
• The only gift is a portion of thyself. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

and these are from the Dalai Lama:

• Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.
• Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive.
• My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.
• Compassion creates a positive, friendly atmosphere.

My Last Tattoo

Tattoos decorate the body but they also enhance the soul. So let's just say I'm decorating my soul one more time...and this should be my last.

I love tattoos! They are artistic, beautiful, soulful, and intriguing (at least most of the time). When I see someone with a tattoo, I'm immediately transfixed. I want to see it up close and just simply admire it. I want to know the story behind the tattoo.

Then there are women with sleeves that have always fascinated me. There's just something about it, je ne sais pas quoi! I've been saying for many years that I would love to get a full arm sleeve, but I didn't have the balls to do so. Somewhere this year, I found some "pelotas grandes" cause I'm working on my next tattoo and it's starting to look a lot like a quarter sleeve. It will incorporate the already existing tattoo on my inside wrist and it will wrap around and go up on the forearm. I'm really excited and nervous at the same time. The idea has developed over the last year and I've been waiting for it to completely form in my mind. And now it has. I won't give away the entire idea...but think moroccan style henna-inspired tattoo! Now, I need Jose Santiago (tattoo artist and 'ole time high school friend) to design what's inside my head. See you next week Jose!

I'm not one to place too much interest in what people think of me. Yet, I do wonder how this tattoo will change my life. Let's be honest, you know it will...

I thinks me crazy! and I love it!

It's Personal - Part Two

"I arrogantly believe that strong faith, compassion, and spirituality needs no organized religion." - my quote

When asked what my stand was on "religion" after reading this quote on my facebook page, I simply said:

I'm not anti-organized religion. But I do think it should be a choice, not forced by birth. I feel that religion should be personal and internal. I understand that there are some, if not many, people that benefit and need organized religion. I think religion is altruistically, inherently "good." I actually really believe religion could be so much more powerful than it is now. Operated and created by men plus altruistic and inherently good equals an oxymoron. That's why if you make your religion personal, it can stay pure and intrinsically beautiful. To me, god is in the eye of the beholder. There's no right or wrong religion cause no one can scientifically prove their beliefs. It's technically all mythical, fictional, fairytale. But in the end, we all need belief, hope, and faith in something even if it's not explained by science. Some call it religion. I simply call it faith. Why does it have to labeled? I am a strong believer (maybe even more than those who go to church every week). What is it that I believe in? It's personal. It can't be explained just like religion can't be. It can't be proven or held in your hands, but it doesn't make it less real to me. I don't feel the need to have to explain it to anyone (except my son someday). Isn't believing in something more powerful than us, enough. Isn't feeling connected to the earth's energy better than feeling connected to a statue? I know my beliefs are real cause they're mine. I'm not judging you or your religion, on the contrary I respect those with strong belief systems and for knowing what is personal to them. Look within yourself and ask "are your beliefs your own?"

Looking back after my brother passed away...I learned how strong my faith really is. I was tested, I was pushed and faced with something that didn't make sense, that makes anyone question life, the meaning of it, and even if there could really be a god. I can say with strong conviction and arrogance, my faith is strong and it didn't come from a religion! I know for ME, I don't need a religion. Do I think religion is a bad thing, no (definitely no). But find the religion or belief system that's in your heart not what's been molded in your head. It is my opinion that your faith in something/anything is only as strong as your personal belief in it. If you were born and raised catholic, your faith to that religion won't be strong, committed, or real until the day you decide that this religion is YOUR personal belief. That's why I say my religion is personal. We are all looking for something to believe in...just remember it doesn't have to be defined by an organized religion.

If your religion or belief system is personal to you, you've found spirituality that no one can touch. Faith can't be taught, it must be felt.

the end.

it's personal part one can be found here

OMG! Amazing!

"oh my god, oh my god, oh my god" were the words coming out of my mouth right before I jumped out of a plane! Yes, I Nancy Sol, jumped out of a plane today. Of course, I was tied to an expert plane jumper, Carlos, who technically pushed me out of the plane. eh, minor detail.

This was my day to celebrate my brother's birthday, my brother's life. What better way than to repeat one of his actual birthday experiences he did for himself many years ago. What better way than to find a way to be closer to him in the heavens above. What better way than to be liberated, free, and flying!

This experience was exhilarating, scary, amazing, queasy, and emotional.

The adrenaline rush was nothing in comparison to the view.

I was in awe of the earth's horizon from this perspective

I was amazed with the view of the little world beneath me

Spectacular, breathtaking, and amazing!

The drizzle of cold rain hitting my face was so refreshing and totally cool

The everglades, marshland, and miles and miles of land were amazing. oh wait, I used that word already. Yes, amazing was all I could say all day about this adventure.

The most "amazing" part of this experience was Robin's message to me. I was hoping I would get one and I sure did. If you know me, you know I have this happy thing for rainbows. They can just turn my frown upside down, they lift my spirits, they're magical and beautiful and breathtaking every time. On my drive down to the place, I saw a rainbow, on the plane heading up I saw a rainbow, and most amazingly, on my decent down to earth I saw a special rainbow, Robin's message(s) to me. It was a rainbow halo; an enormous, rounded, no end, no pot of gold, full circular rainbow right beneath us. It was horizontal to the surface. It was NOT surrounded by a source of light (which is where you usually find rainbow halos). I'm not a physicist or scientist, but I can only assume that someone from down below would have seen this rainbow as the typical arched rainbow, while from above the earth's horizon, it's actually viewed in its entirety as a full circle. So maybe seeking the end of the rainbow would be like a dog chasing their tail. Maybe the pot of gold is not at the end of the rainbow, but the rainbow itself! And maybe if you're lucky, you'll see a rainbow in it's complete circular form one day. It was amazing!

So here's to you my brother, Cheers to your 40th birthday!

(click to enlarge)

...and check out the quick 1 minute video, click here

1 down, 9 to go of my Top 10 extreme things I want to do

here's to you, my beautiful mind

after more than a year on and off, mostly off, hiatus from any sort of gym, sport, exercise, i'm finally back! In my whole life, this has been the only time I've let myself go from these things (with many supposed valid excuses). I used to consider myself an athlete before this. Now, not so much! But after playing softball last weekend with my brother's friends, I realized that 'once an athlete, always an athlete' albeit an out of shape athlete. It is Friday and I must reluctantly admit that some muscles are still sore. I am getting back in shape if for nothing more than to give back to my mind.

My poor, beautiful mind. While she's always there for me unconditionally, I've beaten, tortured, strained, neglected, and abandoned her. My mind so quiet of her needs, yet so vocal for mine. My mind craves for those holes in space when your mind escapes reality and your abilities increase exponentially, something called being "in the zone" - personally, it's the best mental state one can ever be in! She misses the stress release and the animalistic intensity. She yearns for the calmness and the peaceful exhaustion. She shall be taken care of again...starting with a round of racquetball today.

****

Oh beautiful mind, how I have let you down. Due to the year of neglect, I have failed to keep my body in shape to withstand a simple game of racquetball. After a 10 minute warm up on the treadmill and a barely 10 minute start on the court, I pulled my right quad muscle. I was unable to give you the escape you so deserve. This will not deter me. I need you now more than ever. Just hold on a little longer, my dear mind, you will have your moment of zen soon, so help me!

Time to stock up on tiger balm!

Mental Toughness

I learned "mental toughness" the hard way. I suppose that's one of the best ways to learn it. What does mental toughness mean to you?

To me, my first time hearing of these words was from my big brother, Robin. He used it as an excuse to beat, bang, squish, twist, punch, pull and hold me down. Six years older and built like a rock, he would mostly make me cry, at which point, he would say that he was teaching me "mental toughness." You can say my lessons of mental toughness were no fun, for me at least. As I got older, I punched, pinched, twisted, and kicked back, usually only to get the same back just harder, and more tears. And as time kept passing, I got tougher and tougher. I blocked, thwarted, and outplayed him. My mental toughness was flourishing. who'd a thunk it? Not I, that's for sure. Looking back, cause we all know hindsight is 20/20, all our rough housing really developed my inner, mental strengths. I give him lots of credit for the unknowing, disguised lessons of mental toughness, unless it was his plan all along. Hmm...

33 years later, I am mentally tough! I've used my mental toughness skills as an athlete, wife, ex-wife, employee, supervisor, mother, etc... While I wouldn't say I have a hard life by any means, on the contrary, I would say "life is good" partly due to my mental toughness! It's this toughness that gets you through any kind of crappy life moments, of which I've had quite a few in the last few years...not complaining!

So in thinking of how I've used mental toughness to get me through my life's crappy moments, I started plotting a timeline in my head, which then lead to a draft play by play of the last few years on paper. I decided to add the good and the not so good to show the true time line, not just the crappy moments. So in the near future, look for a blog title "the crap line of my life" which ironically starts after the best day of my life, my son's birth!

So anyhoot, I found this quote today, which gave me the inspiration for this blog. This is exactly how Mental Toughness would be defined by my brother Robin and I thank him again, for another major, life changing, ever lasting, life lesson learned!

"It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more 'manhood' to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind."

Side note: My brother, Robin, passed away Tuesday, August 11th, 2009. The Friday night before he passed away, he was talking to our aunt about me, not sure in what context. And he told her to tell me these two words and that I would know what he was talking about. When she told me the story, she couldn't even remember the two words he had told her. When she said it was two words, I blurted out "mental toughness." She said "YES! that's it!" Mental toughness was "our thing." I never realized how popular it was; in books, sports articles, fitness tips, tests, quotes, and more. ...So maybe my brother knew what he was doing all along?!

Seeing these two quotes from Vince Lombardi, legendary NFL coach, I believe he knew exactly what he was teaching me (being an avid NFL sports fan):

"Mental toughness is essential to success"

"Mental toughness is many things and rather difficult to explain. Its qualities are sacrifice and self-denial. Also, most importantly, it is combined with a perfectly disciplined will that refuses to give in. It's a state of mind-you could call it character in action."

are you big enough?

I dated.

I loved.

I married.

I mothered.

I divorced.

I dated.

I loved again.

I don't date.

I am a single mom.

In my life lessons, I grew stronger and more independent.

With every passing moment, I wonder if I could let love in again.

I've built a life around me that only needs my two grounded feet.

I know that I (and myself alone) can conquer anything life throws at me.

I've developed a preference to go it alone.

Even as a mother, I am so proud of my son that I don't want to share that parenting responsibility. I'm selfish.

My weakness is my strength.

My downfall is my resolve.

I know I want a life partner, who is my my best friend and my lover.

I don't know that I know how to let love in again.

I just know that I need someone bigger than me.

Are you big enough to be my man?

It ain't easy being a green

I try to be green, but as Kermit would say it's not easy being green. here's a link I found that gives you 50 ways to help Planet Earth. it's the little things that count ;)

http://www.50waystohelp.com/

I use my dishwasher without the heat dry. I let the items air dry. Did you know that using your dishwasher uses less water than washing your dinnerware by hand? I've steered away from paper plates and plastic ware. (Yes, even with a 4 year old). Mathew mostly uses my dinnerware set, not the kiddie kinds. I try to use less napkins and paper towels, by using towels more. I no longer have a never ending plastic bag supply. I use re-usable bags, even at Target and Wal-Mart. I no longer use the paper bags at Publix to store my recycling. I just toss the paper and plastic in the city bin. I re-use gift bags. I shop more online. I no longer buy bottled water. I use a coffee mug and/or starbucks thermos at work for tea and water. I plug my lap top, cell phone charger, toaster oven, and vacuum sealer only when I use them. I replaced all my bulbs with those compact fluorescent bulbs. I limit the use of my household lights, by using windows and candles(it's my preference anyway). I use rechargeable batteries for Mathew's toys, our remotes, and more. I use the cold cycle to wash our clothes. I hang dry when possible and use the dryer at small increments. I make Mathew take more showers than baths now. I use the day timer for my thermostat. I check the air in my tires every other tank fill up. I recycle all my paper at work. I reuse back sides of paper. I signed up on www.catalogchoice.org to stop receiving unwanted catalogs in the mail. I signed up for e-bills. I use my cruise control whenever possible. I donate my unwanted household, clothing, and toy items. I'm sure I'm missing other stuff, but I'm conscious of my actions and how they affect my planet earth!

I do the best I can to be GREEN! it's not easy, but it's worth it

Happy Earth Day....Everyday!!!!

Peaceful Mind

Lately, and I'm talking long over a month now, I've been dealing with many trivial life annoyances. I'm not going to bother you with the details of every incident, even though quite a few of them are humorous, like the one where a skateboarder on campus ran into my car and called me an asshole driver (ha!) or the one of me getting whiplash from sledding (yes, sledding) into a car. The point is I have nothing to complain about cause life is good. Yet, I have this nagging feeling in my heart and mind that won't dissipate. I can't put it into words...it's just a "feeling." Like the cosmic alignment is off or there's a full moon everyday. I just can't seem to get away from weird things happening, nagging feelings, and annoyances. I can't seem to get past it or above it. It's like I'm in the vast ocean water and this nagging undertow is trying to submerge me and bring me down. I manage to swim away...but only momentarily, for it follows me around like a doomsday cloud. I'm physically and emotionally tired and drained. Would someone throw me an inflatable pool float? I want to be lounging around, looking up, peacefully, relaxing and soaking in the sun, and best of all to get me out and above all these troubled waters.

I'm seeking a peaceful mind. So back to the Buddha basics: prayers and meditation

may I be well, may I be safe, may I be happy, may i be peaceful

may I be well, may I be safe, may I be happy, may i be peaceful

may I be well, may I be safe, may I be happy, may i be peaceful

may I be well, may I be safe, may I be happy, may i be peaceful

may I be well, may I be safe, may I be happy, may i be peaceful

o' peaceful mind, where art thou?

I will be me

This stems from my reminders to myself lately during this awkward, (mostly) inexplicable (hopefully) brief time in my life:

I will not carry the burden of your happiness.

I am not responsible.

I will not be able to please everyone.

I will not stop trying though.

I will not be liked by all those I meet.

I will still smile and not let it bring me down.

I will make mistakes and that's okay.

I'm a learning sponge.

I will not assume how you are feeling or what you are thinking.

I will ask more questions.

I will believe in myself and in my decisions.

I will not be driven by guilt or doubt.

I will stay positive.

I will look up.

I will be free.

I will be me.

~sol

I am reminded of a quote from over a decade ago... "no can ruin my day, but me!"