Shalom Israel

Two weeks in Israel; here are my tidbits, random thoughts, perceptions, and experiences (in no particular order):

My answer to “how was your trip?” - Beautiful!

The cities we visited: Tel Aviv, Eilat, Negev Desert, Netanya, Haifa, Acco, Tzfat, Hadera, Caesaerea, Tiberias, Jerusalem… pretty much all of Israel.

Israel is an inspiring country. I was impressed with its independence, its agriculture, its strength, and mostly for its fierce patriotism!

My favorite city: Jerusalem. I heart Jerusalem! I can’t really explain why, but it can have a lot to do with its history. The history and story of places are so appealing to me. And Jerusalem is one of the oldest cities in the world, so yea I kinda liked it!

My favorite historical site: Masada. I was in complete and utter admiration and respect for the construction, the location, the people, and the history of this place. A-Mazing!

My favorite museum (and the only one I went to): Yad Vashem, the Holocaust History Museum. It's hard to swallow the beauty of this museum when it's choking in the disturbing real artifacts, photos, and letters of the systematic extermination of the Jews during the war. Daunting. Sadness. Emotional. Absurd reality. An absolute must see/visit for the memory, testimonies, honor, and education.

My favorite tour: The Western Wall Tunnels. The Western wall we see is only an eighth of the original entire wall. The tour takes us underground to give us a better vision of the depth and size of the original wall. Unimaginable! Think: the largest stone (which is underground) is 44 feet long and 10 feet wide, weighing 570 tons. Imagine moving that stone two thousand years ago. Plus, on this tour, I was standing at the closest possible spot of the holy of holies, the most holy place.

The Western Wall: Walking up to this wall, I felt intimidated, not sure what to do or how to feel anything. Even for a non-religious person like me, I was hesitant to be in a holy place and not feel a connection. Standing at the wall, with a piece of paper in my hand (a previously written thought out prayer – maybe for another blog), I just started to cry with strong emotions and thoughts of Robin coursing through my heart and soul. I shoved my paper in the wall and walked away backwards. Now, I understand why they call it the Wailing Wall.

A moment of awe: I was standing in Israel at the border of Egypt, while able to see Saudi Arabia and Jordan. I was so awed by that moment of “almost” being in four countries at once. Oh how I would have loved to visit Jordan and Egypt!

Food - Yummo! The food was delicious, very much Middle Eastern style, which is what I grew up on. Israelis do love their salads. Salads galore!
Goldstar – Israeli dark lager beer
Chocolate –popping chocolate bar. It was so deliciously fun. It was like pop rocks but inside milk chocolate bar. How cool?! In fact, I’m eating the last of the Israeli chocolate I brought back as I write this.
Sunflower Seeds – the largest sunflower seeds ever! All produce in Israel was LARGE and in charge!
Zitoune – Olives. I love olives. Olives everywhere!
Mint tea – drank at least two glasses of mint tea a day.
McDonalds – They rule the world! McD’s in the middle of the Negev desert, nothing else in sight…seriously, I’m not kidding you. It was crazy when I saw McD’s in famous Europe cities like London, Madrid, Rome, but in the middle of the desert that just blew my mind away!

Beaches: They’ve got nothing on Maui beaches or even parts of Florida. I didn’t find the desire or need to spend time on Israeli beaches, but then again I have been to Maui! Can you even compare?

Bodies of water: My toes touched the Mediterranean Sea, the Red Sea, the Dead Sea, and the Sea of Galilee… collected rocks from each to place at Robin’s grave.

I’m a sucka for tourist shops; a total junkie. I love knick knacks and paddy whacks!

Mailed out postcards with three days left of vacation! Oh well, better late than never.

Transportation: We rented two itty bitty cars. We were a total of 8 people on this trip (a number, by the way, that’s too high for major travel excursions). It was 3 couples (one of which were my parents, the other two my uncles; then my cousin and I). Our car rides were bitter sweet. Hated the traveling drama, it was commuting hell. The running joke was that we couldn’t get to our destination without at least 2 u-turns. Not quite a funny joke to me. I didn’t mind catching up on my sleep, but wished the journey was just as interesting as our destinations…and it easily could have been. I wanted to stop for amazing views, to run through a field of sunflowers, take amazing sunset pictures, and just to absorb the journey. This is why I prefer to travel alone.

Highways: Super pristine clean! I never thought I would ever say that about a highway, but it’s true!

Camel ride: I rode a camel for the first time ever. They were smelly walking up to them, but while riding I didn’t smell a thing. They are such gentle creatures.

ATV ride: I rode an ATV for the first time ever in the Negev desert. My cousin, Asif, took me for a wild ride with wheelies and tires fighting to stay on the ground. So cool! I love that when I was asked if I wanted to go on this ride, I didn’t even hesitate. I thought, hell yeah, Robin would do it, so YES! Had you asked me 2 years ago, I might have said no entirely!

Israelis are horny! They drive horribly, park terribly and honk at every chance they get. Fuck! Enough with the honking! Geez, and I thought Miami was bad…ha!

Favorite Sign in Israel: Go In Peace
Other favorite sign: Shalom Y’all

Languages spoken on this trip: not all of which I speak; French, Moroccan Arabic, Hebrew, and my made-fun-of Frenglish!

Quotes of the trip:
“Ofaqim” – a city in the Negev desert that when we got lost in that town, we used the city name as an expression of “Oh Fuck him/it!” It was used a lot.
“Sababah” – a Hebrew word taught to us by family. The meaning is for a variation of “it’s all good” or “no worries.” It can be used in any format. It started becoming similar to a “woosa” mantra for car #2.
“Il n’y a rien a dire” – a French phrase used by my uncle Prosper at least a dozen times a day. It means, “There is nothing else to say about it.” My uncle overused it so much, that I used it in opposite meaning, in sarcastic tones.
“Sleha” – In Hebrew, it means, “excuse me” but in Arabic the word sounds like you are saying a bad word.
“Serenity Now!” – a quote I used a million times in silence. Thank you George Costanza’s dad.
“Toda Raba” – in Hebrew means Thank you!

I learned that high school drama never ends even in old age. Oy Vey! I hated high school and to think I have to live through it the rest of my life is dreadful. I wish people would just grow up so I don’t have to live through my high school years again. Ridunculous!

11:11 was everywhere on this trip. At first, I was able to keep track of the few instances I encountered 11:11, but by the end of the trip I couldn’t keep up even in my journal. Robin was with me on this trip. He was not just on my mind and in my heart; he was literally there with me in spirit. It was crazy good!

My nickname on this trip: Trucker! My cousin Annie kept calling me a trucker. I’m sure you can imagine why…I curse a lot…shocker! I curse in public places, in private places, in holy places, and in front of anyone with no shame…maybe a little shame, but only cause of the reactions I see. Cursing is a release! It’s like screaming on the top of your lungs! If I could scream instead of curse, I would! But I mean a scream like in the Garden State scene when they scream into the infinite abyss while standing on top of an old yellow caboose in the rain…yea, like that. Would I look crazier screaming or cursing?! I’d probably scream curse words anyway…

Weather: A freak of nature! Best time of the year for weather, that’s what we were told. There’s no rain and mild heat. NOT
“There are seldom any rainy days at all from May through September” it says in my travel book. It rained twice while I was there. And a major, Florida-summer like thunderstorm one night. Seriously?! “seldom any rainy days at all” my ass!
Also, add to the fact that it was COLD, like freezing Canada cold almost every night. I borrowed jackets and scarves and even a winter jacket one night. I mean seriously, isn’t it supposed to be Africa-hot?!

Holidays/Events:
Mother’s Day - Spent my first mother’s day without Mathew. It never felt like mother’s day that day anyway. I got to spend Mother’s day the day after I returned. I love being a mama! And being away from Mathew for 2 weeks was hard, but I do have to tell you we both handled it extremely well. Our love is healthy and loyal. We have nothing but confidence in each other’s love. Amazed!
Israel’s Independence Day – celebrated by hanging out at the beach with my cousin and eating the best falafel ever on the streets of Netanya
Nakba Protests - marks the anniversary of the founding of the state of Israel in 1948, a day many Palestinians call "nakba," meaning "catastrophe." Eight people were reported killed that day in separate incidents. And there I was in Israel hearing fighter jets, military helicopters, ambulances, and UN vans roaring by all day long. To say I was worried is an understatement!

Favorite worthwhile part of the trip: meeting family I didn’t even know existed. Rachel, Yaelle, Leah, Yaala, Avital, Bathen, Shimron, Livni, Menachem, Ruthy, Sylvia, Yaacov, and more! <3

Things I didn’t get to do: Plant a tree in my brother’s name!

Hebrew quote for my boyfriend: ani ledodi vedodi li = I am my beloved and my beloved is mine (Song of Songs-Psalm 6:3) <3

So this is just a fraction of what I experienced while in Israel. I have so much more to say about my trip to Israel, some too simple to include, some probably forgotten, and some intentionally left out for the greater good. Got questions? Ask!

Here are just a few of my favorite pictures…Trying picking 3 out of 938 photos taken.

(click to enlarge)

(my cute camel taking me for a ride)

(love my new found family in Israel)

(overlooking the yehuda desert and dead sea with Jordan in sight)

I love my son

Mathew made a card for me today at school (with no help):

End Here: Start here:

Sic Mama

Fr I ❤ U

om I Sor

Mathew E D U R

Translation:

Mama

I love you

I'm sorry (I sore) that (D) you're (U R) sick

From Mathew

Aren't I the luckiest mom?

Bear

Our family dog, Bear, passed away late last night from a turned over stomach. He was a gentle giant. He was so caring and loving and sweet. He was vocal, but not annoying vocal, more like I'm talking to you or singing with you kinda vocal (okay maybe sometimes annoying). He was always in the way just cause he always wanted to be a part of everything. He was always stepping on our toes and jumping on our shoulders. He went bezerk when we clapped. He knew before I even pulled into the driveway, that we were there. He was amazing! And his love for Mathew was infinite!

Mathew and Bear were best buddies. They loved playing together, running around the house, hugging, hiding, and laughing. Bear was always so perfectly kind to him, considering Bear was close to 100 pounds. Bear was his ultimate bodyguard. If you picked Mathew up for a hug, you were bound to get jumped on by Bear. "Let him go!" Or if you tickled Mathew or chased after Mathew, Bear would bark at you! "Stop it!" One time, Bear cornered me against the wall to protect Mathew. I could not get passed Bear and I seriously tried. You had to be there to see it. We all knew Bear's love for Mathew was unique and immeasurable! And I know the feeling was the same in reverse. That's why telling Mathew is going to break my heart in a little million pieces.

I already feel guilty for lying to Mathew this morning. I told him that Bear is sick and at the vet's office. I figured slowly peeling the bandaid off is better than ripping it off. Ironically, I told Mathew a couple days ago to just rip the bandaid off (literally). So why am I "setting" him up with this lie? Should I have told him in one shot? I know I have to tell him the final truth before Sunday. We visit the family every Sunday. And this Sunday, Bear won't be there! The house will be empty without the maniac dog. It will be too quiet without him speaking to us. No dog to step on our toes or give us bear hugs. And mostly, Mathew will no longer have his friend or his bodyguard.

This is all just too much. We already lost our own dog, Harley, then my brother Robin, and now Bear. A little kid shouldn't have to deal with so much loss. I pray Mathew's big heart will be strong enough for all of it!

Message from Robin

My lil' brother and I went to Canada during the memorial day weekend. We were there to walk and celebrate in our cousin's wedding. Less than a year after my brother's death, should we be celebrating and rejoicing in other people's happiness? You see in the Jewish customs, mourning lasts for 12 months, and while regular activities in your life resume, you are not supposed to attend festive occasions, especially where music is played. For this reason, my parents did not attend the wedding. And after being there, I could see it would have been way too difficult for my parents. I didn't even realize how difficult it was going to be for me. I received many condolences from family and friends. I could sense that some people would look at me with sorrow and not know what to say. It was also difficult to see my aunts and uncles in a corner of the ballroom not acting themselves, not really belonging (they were in the 12 month mourning period for my grandmother, their mother). That was just a weird, constant reminder of sadness in place that didn't belong. Then, every time a cousin mentioned that this is the first time that every single cousin on my dad's side was together in the same place, all I could think of was "NO, Robin is missing!" Some probably realized what I was thinking, cause the impact of the comment disintegrated. Robin was mentioned in speeches and I know he was in everyone's hearts. This weekend, I was on a roller coaster ride of emotions.

Okay so on to the point of this blog:
Right after the ceremony, outside the ballroom, I congratulated my cousin Eric, the groom. He tells me with such sincerity and love "Robin is with us." And it took everything in me to not break down and bawl like a baby. I stood to the side and just thought of what the evening would have been like if he was really here and not just in our hearts. He would be "the" cousin that everyone talked to, asked for advice. He would be wanted in everyone's pictures. He would have this huge ass smile on his face. He would probably be sweating too. He would have danced the traditional Hora dance and helped lift the bride and groom in the air while they were sitting on their chairs. He would have been taking a walk outside a lot to take in the cold fresh air. He would have been drinking hard liquor, like jack and coke. He would have been playing with the nephews. He would be laughing and smiling a lot. And as if Robin was inside my head, he sent me a message less than an hour later to tell me he was here doing all of that.

While we were all on the dance floor, dancing the Hora, I was taking random pictures. And then boom I noticed this one picture. I was turning the camera off, thinking "oh I'll delete this one," and in less time it's taking me to tell you this, I noticed Robin was in the picture. I turned the camera back on immediately and yes, it was Robin in the picture. I shivered with tears while standing in the middle of the dance floor. I couldn't figure out who the real person was. All I could see was Robin smiling, dancing, and with so much joy. I am not blind. And this was not the kind of thing when people think they see their exes or passed loved ones in everyone they see crossing the street. It's not like that. It was Robin! Actually, it was my little brother, Philippe, who in my opinion, they do not look anything alike. See evidence below.


(click pictures to enlarge)

This is my family. Robin is on the left. Philippe on the right. Different faces, noses, smile, chin, forehead, I mean just so different, right? Now look at this picture below from Philippe's wedding almost two years ago. Robin to the left. Philippe on the right. So different, not even similar. Hey, that's me with the red frames.



Now here is the picture from this past weekend. Robin on the left bottom corner, I mean it's really Philippe, but it's not.



To me, this picture was a message from Robin. He was letting me know "I am here with you, don't be sad." He was celebrating, smiling, laughing, and dancing with all of us. I mean look at his face in this picture. After the initial shock wore off and the message came in clear, I was so happy! It made my trip worthwhile in every way!


My dad found this quote on a cemetery bench and it goes perfectly with this picture:

when tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart.
for every time you think of me,
I'm right here in your heart.

If that's true, you are living in my heart! Not a single day goes by that you are not with me.
I love you and miss you tremendously!

6 days, 5 nights, 4 parks

Mathew and I went to Disney last week and we had a blast! Mathew has not stopped saying "I love you" (and his many variations of it) since we got back. If there's any kid that was deserving of this trip, it's this kid. I mean what single mom in their right mind would take their 4 year old to disney for 6 days, 5 nights and ALL 4 parks (just the two of us)?! I mean seriously?! Late nights, early mornings. I want this and I want that. Let's go here and long lines. Heat and exhaustion. Perspective: I am blessed with this wonderful son who made this trip easy and fun :)

Here a few pictures from our trip:

Epcot (1 of the 4 Disney parks)

having fun on the many rides galore

hugged many, many characters

and look at the pure joy on this face: priceless

(click on the pics for larger viewing)

:) ...and now to catch up on some blog reading

My Mother

Mathew got to fill in the blanks of this form at school:

My Mother

My mother has brown eyes and brown hair.
My mother likes to go to the beach with me.
My mother looks pretty when she puts earrings on.
My mother is funny when she puts makeup on.
I like her to cook scrambled eggs and potatoes in the oven.
I don't like it when she cooks cheese ham sandwich.
She likes for me to help her when she is sick.
When I listen my mother is happy.
When I don't make good choices, she gets mad and sad then she calms down.

I love my mother very much and I know she loves me too!

Love, Mathew

Happy Mother's Day Every Day :)

My son amazes me!

My son amazes me!

Here's a little story, I'd like to document for my memory bank (one of the real reasons I blog).

Mondays are 'show and tell' days at school. Mathew loves this day. He gets to show off his favorite toys, stuffed animals, books, and such. Yesterday morning, he asked me "is it 'show and tell' day?" And before I can even get the word "yes" out of my mouth, he got all excited and ran upstairs. He came back down with his little red photo album. This album is photos of him and his Uncle Robin (about 40 plus pictures). I made this for him about a month after Robin passed away. I had a fear that he would forget who his Uncle Robin was (this fear is long gone now). I have found this album tucked up next to him at night while he is sleeping, moved in different locations, and left open many different times. He evidently views this album frequently, to my surprise. He talks about Robin, tells me he dreams of Robin, or that he imagines Robin sitting next to him. He does get sad at times and cries when missing Robin, but for the most part he expresses his thoughts of Robin in a positive way, as I try to role model that same positive behavior.

I just realized that I have to give you a back story (didn't blog about it - strange?!) before I carry on with today's story. On thanksgiving day of 2009, I took Mathew for the the first time to the cemetery to visit Robin. I was hoping to wait for the ability to go to the cemetery without crying, but I realized that idea is futile. But I didn't want to wait too long before taking him to visit either. I remember that it was a spontaneous last minute idea to go to the cemetery (maybe more for me) on our way down to my parents house for thanksgiving dinner. Mathew and I have still been sending balloons for Robin on the holidays and for 'just because' reasons, (which reminds me I need to buy eco-friendly balloons). So I thought, we would send the balloon from the cemetery this time, foolishly not aware of the possible reactions. On the way, I tried to prepare my son (again not fully envisioning or preparing myself for this "talk"). I totally winged it (oops)! I started with my first mistake, I told my son "we are on our way to see Robin." Idiot! Now he thinks we're actually going to see him. Smarty pants Mathew asks "are we going to heaven?" Great idea! Wouldn't that be an amazing trip!? So naturally, I had to clarify that we weren't actually going to see him, but that we were going to visit his "body" in a cemetery. This led to questions about the cemetery and discussion of appropriate behavior at the cemetery. I told him that many families have loved ones buried here and that we have to respect the cemetery and others, use our inside voices (even though we are outside), and walk only on the paved walkways, etc, etc. He asked many appropriate questions that I was proud to respond to. Then as I described to him that Robin was buried underground, I realize my next mistake. I literally smacked my hand on my forehead as soon as that came out of my mouth. I've been telling him Robin is up in heaven and now I'm saying he's buried underground. So before another smarty pants question could come out. I tried to explain the difference, that his body is underground in a box (coffin) and the his soul is up in heaven. Okay, no confusion there. Then he asked more about this box thing and why we bury people in a box. I did the best I could, talking about being buried with the dirt and how our body goes back into earth. I couldn't believe I was having this discussion with my four year old son, and who seemed to be clearly grasping this all (in his own way). Another back story, I didn't mention in my blogs, is about vultures. Mathew and I witnessed huge vultures eating a dead bird by our house many months before Robin even passed away. So I used that opportunity to give him a lesson on vultures; what kid of birds they are, where you can find them, what they eat, etc. Smarty pants Mathew asked me one time if vultures were going to eat Robin (knowing that vultures eat dead things). So, on our car ride to the cemetery, we were able to tie in the discussion of being buried underground where the vultures won't get to him and the cemetery. This car ride contained the most intellectual conversation about death, cemeteries, and heaven with my four-year old son. It didn't start there, nor did it end there. I still get questions and comments randomly. Like yesterday, he asked me "how do you talk if you're in heaven?" It is obvious he is thinking and processing this complex idea in his deep and thoughtful 4 year old head of his. Every story, every experience, every moment is magnificently absorbed by my son with such understanding and comprehension. I am truly amazed! Not to mention that me having to be so matter-of fact with my son about death has helped me cope with my brother's loss more than I can fully appreciate. The bluntness of my words I have to use for it to make sense to my son don't feel as sharp as they once did. They don't pain me to speak of the truth, the facts, what us adults usually have a hard time dealing with. I thank my son for helping ME deal with the truth, to smile and think positively about Robin. Back at the cemetery, I kept it brief. I showed him Robin's name on the makeshift sign (for now). We have to wait for the one year anniversary to put up the "headstone". I showed him what others looked like. We had a little talk about that. Yes, I cried a little hoping to mask it behind my huge sunglasses. There is no hiding my emotions from my son. He asks me why I was crying and I simply stated that I miss Robin. He told me that it would be okay and hugged me. I love his hugs, they cure all my grief! On our way out, we stopped by my aunt's plot. I told him that he never met her, but that she was a beautiful, loving aunt and is up in heaven with Robin. She is Mimi's sister and Mumu's (Muriel's) mom. We left a rock on her headstone and left to Mimi and Papa's house. The next day he wanted to send a balloon to heaven for Tata Lilianne and Robin! He has such a compassionate soul and huge heart...he's amazing (and I KNOW I'm biased)!

Okay, so back to today's story...let's see where did I leave off. Oh, Show and Tell Monday!

Mathew brings in his photo album of his Uncle Robin on Monday. This morning, when I drop him off, I asked the teacher how 'show and tell' went yesterday, since I was a little worried he may be too blunt with his words in front of the other children. I can tell she was worried too, but she said it ended up being just fine (sorta short and sweet). He didn't get sad, he just talked candidly about his Uncle Robin, showed his picture and said that he was in heaven. She told me that he has been drawing Uncle Robin several times now. She saved me the one he drew yesterday (and told me I will find others like this in his 'daybook'). The drawing I received this morning, was of Robin in a "box" in the cemetery. It wasn't a detailed drawing, it wasn't negative, dark, or gloomy, it was simple and matter-of-fact, like our conversations. That's why the teacher asked me if I took him to the cemetery. It was just that one time a couple months ago. Amazing! The teacher told me that this was healthy, he is expressing and processing his thoughts in a positive way. She tells me that he is so smart and maturely advanced for his age. He's doing just fine.

As I walked back to my car, drawing in hand, my heart broke into a little million pieces for Mathew. It's not right for a four year old to have to cope and learn about this. My heart hurts thinking that Robin is not here watching him grow, guiding him through "mental toughness" lessons, laughing, playing, sharing, hugging, and talking with him. It hurts to see Mathew hurting and missing Robin. All these thoughts came flooding in on this short walk, and as I sat in my car the flood of tears came pouring out (as I'm doing now).

Every story, every moment, every experience magnificently absorbed by Mathew with such understanding and comprehension. I am amazed! I am so proud of my son, especially in these emotionally, somber moments!

We ❤ you, Robin! and if it isn't obvious enough, we miss you tremendously!!! You are always, always with us in our thoughts, our dreams, and especially in our hearts.

❤ Forever Together ❤

Chrismakkuh Bush!

Christmas tree, o' christmas tree

Much pleasure that doth bring me!

What is a christmas tree? What does a christmas tree mean to you?

Being raised in a jewish home, I never had a christmas tree. It wasn't anything I desired to have or felt left out not having one. When I met and moved in with my catholic boyfriend, now known as my ex-husband, I had my first Christmas tree. We incorprated Hanukkah as much as possible; making the tree blue and silver (and purple), adding Hanukkah ornaments, and calling it a Hanukkah bush. It was so much fun! After the divorce, I had the first year of Christmas without the tree (and without Mathew) and it felt weird, bare and depressing. This year, I did debate putting the tree up...and that's when I realized it's a part of my life's tradition now. Eleven years later, it's a beautiful decorative piece in my house that brings holiday joy and cheer during the season. It doesn't celebrate the birth and life of Jesus. It doesn't symbolize christianity, catholicism or christmas even. It's fun and truly does bring me joy!!

I have a Hanukkah bush, ornaments, stockings, wreath, and small xmas decorative trees outside. I have menorahs, dreidels, window decals, and garland. I light the menorah. I put gifts under the tree and in our stockings. Come the New Year, they all get boxed up and stored away for the next year's holiday season.

It's really silly to make such a big deal out of a jewish born and raised girl having a Hanukkah bush. Get over it! I'm not going to hell, my son is not going to be confused, and my life is not a mess. I may not be religious, but I have faith, compassion, and spirituality! I don't need an organized religion to tell me how to be a compassionate, good person, nor do I need any of you to judge my traditions, beliefs, and life!

I have a chrismakkuh bush. Get over it!

I am me. Deal with it!

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them" - Mother Teresa

Peace on Earth!

It begins with random acts of kindness, not judgment or bigotry!

Merry Chismakkuh and Happy New Year to all!

My Bookmark

Mathew found my bookmark this morning on my nightstand. I finished reading my book last night so it was laying in plain view. My bookmark is a laminated wallet-size picture of my brother Robin and me. When I asked Mathew why he took it, he said he liked the picture. I asked him who was in the picture. He proceeds to say with sadness in his eyes:

Mama and Uncle Robin
Robin is not with us anymore
I miss him so much
He's in my heart today
(then corrects himself...)
He's in my heart everyday

my sentiments exactly!



We miss you Robin SO MUCH!!!

Wild Thing

After much debate and contemplation, I think I will take Mathew to see this movie after all...Can't wait! :)

Inside all of us is a...
WILD THING





Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak

The night Max wore his wolf suit and made mischief of one kind and another. His mother called him "WILD THING!" and Max said "I'LL EAT YOU UP!" so he was sent to bed without eating anything. That very night in Max's room a forest grew and grew- and grew until his ceiling hung with vines and the walls became the world all around and an ocean tumbled by with a private boat for Max and he sailed off through night and day and in and out of weeks and almost over a year to where the wild things are. And when he came to the place where the wild things are they roared their terrible roars and gnashed their terrible teeth and rolled their terrible eyes and showed their terrible claws- till Max said "BE STILL!" and tamed them with a magic trick of staring into their yellow eyes without blinking once and they were frightened and called him the most wild thing of all and made him king of all wild things. "And now," cried Max, "let the wild rumpus start!" "Now stop!" Max said and sent the wild things off to bed without their supper. And Max the king of all wild things was lonely and wanted to be where someone loved him best of all. Then all around from far away across the world he smelled good things to eat so he gave up being king of where the wild things are. But the wild things cried, "Oh please don't go- we'll eat you up- we love you so!" And Max said, "No!" The wild things roared their terrible roars and gnashed their terrible teeth and rolled their terrible eyes and showed their terrible claws but Max stepped into his private boat and waved good-bye and sailed back over a year and in and out of weeks and through a day and into the night of his very own room where he found his supper waiting for him- and it was still hot.

i see you

i see you

i see you
and what i see amazes me
through your deep brown eyes, i see your passionate heart
so deep with compassion and love
i see you

beyond your glittery smile, i see a white glowing aura
so endlessly giving and nurturing
i see you

from the whisper of your words, i see a treasure
so spiritually connected and a gifted soul
i see you

surrounded by your arms, i see a friend
so generous and forever loyal
i see you

in the strength in your arms, i see a fighter
so courageous and brave, a hero to most
i see you

inside the chair you sit in, i see a remarkable person
so authentic and real, unwavering
i see you

and above it all,
i see you
i see you

i see you Camile!




your soul sister, your kindred spirit
with all my love,
~ nancy sol

Top 10 Things I Can't Live Without

Top 10 Things I Can't Live Without


10. my job
it affords me the ability to live my life and have the 9 other things I can't live without

9. iPhone
my lifeline to the world...since I like being alone it keeps me connected while still being alone

8. TiVo
a time to unwind and numb my mind without commercials (occasionally it kick starts my mind instead)

7. mother nature's earthly possessions
an everyday reminder that life is beautiful

6. chocolate
chocolate satisfies (need I say more)

5. music
inspires me, moves me, and heals me

4. books
keep me dreaming, hoping, and always wanting more

3. traveling
the only thing worth spending my hard earned money on
to explore, discover, adventure, and live

2. faithful friends and family
to give and receive support and love

and as if you couldn't guess what my #1 one thing I can't live without is:


1. Mathew
the light and energy source of my life

4 and 33

Last night, Mathew asked if he can see my tattoo again (it was peeking out of my shirt). When I moved the strap down, that wasn't enough...he wanted to see it all. After staring at it for a while, he says, "look the flower is falling down here." Perfect! The tattoo artist, Nicole, did such a remarkable job that even my almost 4 year old son can see the tattoo in motion. Awesome! Exactly what I wanted. After he was done scoping it out, he asked if he could get a tattoo. I told him someday when you are a lot older. He then says, "older like a Mama!" I smiled and said, "Yes, older like a Mama!"



The perception of age changes with age. Mathew looks at me and thinks 'my mom is OLD!' But when he hits his thirties, he won't be singing that same tune. What constitutes old anyway? Is it relative to your health, state of mind, or based on a number? All of the above? If age is really just a number, why do we still judge people based on their age, why are discounts given to senior citizens, why do kids under 12 get all sorts of free stuff, why are movies rated by age, why are toys given age appropriate labels, why can women over 60 get pregnant, why do some bald in their 20's, why do we all mature at different ages (if at all, in some cases), why do athletes retire in their 30's, and why is my mom on facebook? Obviously, age is not just a number, it's a number and a whole lot more.

Sometimes I feel old and other times I feel young, footloose, and fancy-free! Check out this old blog: Top 10 Reasons Why I Feel Old - 2 years later and that list still fits!

Next week, Mathew is turning 4 on the 4th and I'm turning 33 on the 8th. Happy Birthday to us!

My Parents

As time goes by, I see my parents slowly moving forward...
little by little, step by step.
I see them struggle and yet balance each other in their new lifelong process.
Their suffering is unimaginable, incomprehensible.
I find no words to describe or understand their loss.
My heart breaks for them over and over again.
They will never be the same again.
My parents, forever brokenhearted.
And...that's okay.

They smile with weeping, hollow eyes.
They laugh with a drowning sound.
They speak with a melancholy tone.
They hug with heavy arms.
They live and breathe with a broken heart.
And...that's okay.

Their pain will subside but never fade.
Their heart will feel joy but never be whole.
Their lives will go on but never fully.
And...that's okay.

I will forever celebrate the memory of my brother Robin.
I will forever ache for my parents unfathomable heartache.
And...that's okay.


Mom, Dad
I love you.
I will always be here for you.
I will hold your hand and journey with you through this process.
I will cry with you and I will listen to you.
I will melt away the numbness in your soul.
I will soften the edges around your jagged hole.
I will light the way out of the darkness in your heart.
This journey will never end and your heart will never be whole again.
And…that’s okay.
Robin will forever be missed and never forgotten.
And I hope you find comfort in knowing you are not alone.

Mom, Dad,
I love you!

Heart to Soul

Robin,
From my heart to your soul...




see blog: "tattoo this"

Mathew (my almost 4 year old son) says after seeing my tattoo: "Whoa! Cool!" Mama says: "Did you see the little bird?" Mathew's response: "I don't think it's little!" - lol...gotta love it! :)

Balloons for Robin

Today, I went to visit my brother Robin.

In my hand was a red balloon. I didn't choose red because of the song or the movie...I chose red for two other reasons: if I were to associate Robin with a color, it would be red, plus, I wanted to see the balloon as long as I could before it faded into heaven.

While sitting there by my brother's side, I told him my wishes, my wants, my regrets, and all the would haves and could haves. And that with this balloon, I was letting them all go, or at least I would try. And while I was crying with my head down in my lap, balloon in hand, I felt Robin telling me "don't cry." It wasn't like I heard his voice in my head or his image appeared. It wasn't even like he was specifically telling me this. It was just a feeling that came over me...don't cry. So, I stopped crying and started smiling. So, it was time to let go. I stood up and released the balloon. I stayed there with Robin until the balloon was engulfed by the clouds and I could not see it anymore (which took a surprisingly long time). It left me with a smile on my face (and a sore neck).

Last night, I spoke to Mathew about giving balloons to Robin in heaven. He loved the idea. I think it's helping him understand the concept of heaven and Robin not being with us anymore. I also believe this will be a great way for my 3 year old son to "communicate" to his uncle Robin and keep him alive in our hearts forever, and for me as well. I will make this our tradition...for every birthday (his and ours), for every party, holiday, visit to the cemetery, or even to let him know we are thinking of him just because, we will release a balloon into heaven for Robin.

Robin, I love you!
Here's your first balloon!

RIP

We may not understand why you left this earth so soon, or why you left before we were ready to say good-bye, but little by little, we begin to remember not just that you died, but that you lived. And that your life gave us memories too beautiful to forget.




rest in heavenly peace robin
gosh, how I miss you terribly so!

Carpe Diem

Robin, my dear brother Robin, lived his life to the fullest. He lived for the day and grabbed life by its horns. He may not have had savings or retirement plans, he may not have had the big picture in mind, but he never missed an opportunity to explore the world and live life. He lived it in extreme too. What an amazing life he lived! I'd like to take from him a phrase that he didn't necessarily use to define his life, but looking back, these words defined his lifestyle:

Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero – "seize the day and place no trust in tomorrow"

Robin's adventures were plenty and extraordinary. Many have lived longer lives and have not nearly experienced half of what he did. Here in no particular order is a list of his crazy, awesome adventures, each one carrying a multitude of memories and in most cases in multiple instances...

deep sea fishing
shark fishing
bass fishing
swimming with sting rays
swimming with dolphins
poker tournaments
dealing blackjack
mardi gras
fantasy fest
times square new years eve/day 98-99
skiing
snowboarding
jumped from helicopters - snowboarding
europe travels
bungee jumping
skydiving
lobster diving
boar hunting
boar hunting by hand (knife)
deer and gator hunting
gun shooting and collection
motorcycle madness
pyrotechnic wannabe
night clubbing
ice hockey league
swimming in competitions all over the world
water polo meets
macabbi youth games


his attendance to various sporting events:
world cup finals match in barcelona
world series marlins game 7 walk off win
nba finals
nhl finals
ncaa orange bowl championship

The list is not nearly complete, I will be back to continue adding...
For those that knew Robin and have a new adventure to add, please share the stories and even the pictures too!

Sitting Shiva

In Judaism, Shiva is the week-long period of grief and mourning for the immediate family. The process of following the shiva rituals is called sitting shiva. I won't go into the the details of the rituals, but if you are interested...look it up.

This is my first time sitting shiva and it is for my dear brother, Robin. Before, I had a perception of shiva to be a depressing experience. While no one wants to sit shiva, I didn't want to the way I don't "want" to fast for Yom Kippur. I have formed personal opinions and views on religion and sitting shiva was not on my list of traditions I needed or wanted to follow (and not because it involves death). I just don't like the idea of sitting in a house full of mourners (granted I would be one myself). I didn't want to be in a state of constant grief for seven straight days, day in, day out. I am comfortable with death. I am comfortable with my faith. I am confident and believe in "the heart of life is good" and "everything happens for a reason" outlook. But sitting shiva, I always believed would make it harder for me to feel my own feelings, to find my own peace with "my" loss. I would be lost in the grievance of others. I didn't want to experience the pain of others while suffering myself. To see another suffer causes a severe reaction of sympathetic suffering. How would I be able to mourn myself? I like being alone. I like feeling and processing on my own time. It's difficult to witness or even fathom my mother's loss in her eyes. It breaks my heart to know my father's heart is not whole. It troubles me to see my little brother lose his best friend and only brother. How do you bear the pain of all those around you and still find the strength to hold on yourself?

I have to say after sitting shiva for a few days now, I can say my perception of this ritual has changed. I may not be practicing and following all the rituals written in "the book," but there is something to be said about this process of mourning. I wish my son was old enough to be with me through this process. He is my hope and my light in life. To not have him with me, when I need his light most, is challenging. Yet, I happen to have found light and hope in this peculiar process. The immediate family are in the same house sitting shiva for seven days. Family and friends are visiting and surrounding you 24 hours a day for seven days. They are there for you in such big ways, even without anything being said or done. Some have flown from far away cities and countries. Some are here for fifteen minutes and others everyday. Friends you haven't spoken to in fifteen years surprise you with a sense of respect and honor by visiting you during your time of need. It's so comforting having a household full of noise, albeit it may be mostly the noise of hurt. Besides the seven day of grieving, I find it is most importantly the seven days of remembering. We are sifting through pictures, Facebook, and text messages. We are telling stories of the things he's done for one another. We are talking about the places he's seen, the crazy things he's done. We are rehashing childhood stories. We are even mentioning our regrets and wishes. Friends are telling stories we've never heard before. We are talking about Robin every day, every minute...his heart of gold. He is on our mind always. We cry, we laugh, we are sad and happy. We are living. We are moving through the common stages of grieving, together. I believe this will be a lifelong process, but sitting shiva helps us to begin our lives again.

So now, my only fear about sitting shiva is the reality of life afterward. These seven days are unrealistic and uncommon. It's not the normal days of our lives. What will my everyday life be without my brother Robin? I still don't know the answer to that. I'm still sitting shiva. What I do know, is that my life will still be filled with love and happiness and Robin will always be a part of that. He will always be with me and live through me. And no matter what happens after shiva, I know we will all be okay.


Robin, we all miss you terribly so. Please come back to me in my dreams. I want to see you again. I love you!

Robin Joseph Azoulay

At my brother's service on August 12, 2009, I spoke a few words. The idea of summing up my brother's life or trying to express what he meant to me in a few words seemed daunting. As soon I started writing, the words and tears flowed endlessly. It was agonizing and soothing at the same time. Even better still was sharing this with all of Robin's friends and family. It was such a pleasurable sight to see so many people in honor of Robin and in support for us. Thank you all for those that were there physically and in spirit! I'd like to share again my words to those that couldn't make it. I only hope these words comfort you as much as they have comforted me in writing and in speaking them.




First thank you everyone for coming and pouring your hearts out with me and my family. I'm not sure what to say, I just know I wanted to say something.

My brother, my older brother, Robin. We weren't always close, but that never really mattered. He was always there for me with his heart wide open. He was a natural giver and lover. To know him was to know love. Robin truly had a heart of gold. And even though his heart failed him yesterday, I know his heart and soul is still pouring and flowing with love for all of us. There is just no other like him in this world. He will live on through all of our hearts.

For me, the memories that keep flooding me are the moments of Robin as an uncle to my son, Mathew. Their time together was not nearly enough, yet he left a deep impression in his heart, as he did with all that knew him.

Robin,
In my dreams
I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place for you
For all my life, I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am, there you'll be.
There you'll be!


~sol



this photo is resting with Robin...



rest in beautiful peace Robin...