baby daddy

my advice to all the mothers-yet-to-be:

don't worry about finding the perfect man or the man of your dreams.
worry more about finding the perfect father for your child or the dad of your dreams for your child.

Imagine this:
That moment when you see your ex for the first time after a break up. Knots in your stomach, sweaty palms, heart surging...what do you say? do you say hi or pretend you never saw him? do you say hi and act with no care in the world? With each encounter, the ex slowly fades away and the knots loosen up, the palms cool off, and the heart beats calmer. Before you know it, he's just a blip in your life map.  an ex is just an ex.

NOW Imagine this:
That same moment above; over and over and over again....for the life of your child. No matter the congeniality of the break-up...you still get the knots, sweat and surge for each, expected visit from your baby daddy. And you ask yourself: how did you ever end up with that guy? What were you thinking when you married him? How could you make a baby with that guy? Really? Seriously? Ewwww?!?!

dear mothers-yet-to-be:
please choose your baby daddy wisely
"an ex is just an ex, but a baby daddy is for life" - my quote

i urge you to ask yourself: is this the man i want to be as my ex AND my baby daddy? you know, would he be the ex husband that is an exceptional parent nonetheless? this is an important question to ask when dating.

Seek a perfect father and dad of your dreams for your child.
Your child and your future ex-self will thank you!

from personal experience,
a single mother (but not for long. cause i met the perfect father, the dad of my dreams for my child)

my awful, beautiful life!

I realized tonight that it's time to stop blaming my ex for the current housing crisis, financial loss, and credit woes I've been struggling with. I must take ownership of my life, even the parts that seem to have been leftover from my marriage. I thought to myself "ugh, stop feeling so scorned, it's so pathetic! Even the fact it took me this long to come to this thought is pathetic. wake up!"

And I did just that, I woke up to write it all down. That's how I do. So I bolted out of my bed, ran downstairs and pulled out my macbook. Here I am, all revved up, writing at midnight when I'm usually lolly gagging in dream land. I've barely even started and I feel better already. (See Kelly, this is what I do.)

So the back story goes something like this: My ex and I purchased a pre-construction home at the peak of the housing market (as an investment). On moving day, my ex decides that our marriage is over. I struggled the first couple of years to keep and make that single family house a home for my son and I. Years later, I finally made it to that status of "financially comfortable." Mind you, that just means a lot less paycheck to paycheck. Then last year, after careful and long deliberations, I decided to sell my house. But you see, my house lost it's value. I lost the cash equity in my home, which was part of our divorce settlement. Then my equity line account was frozen due to the value of my home depreciating. And now I owe more than double the value of my home, not including the cash equity that is gone. So yeah, I blamed the ex for the shit storm I'm in. And yes, I resented him for now owning a 5-bedroom house at the now low market value. It was easy to blame him for the year's worth of drama I've been in over this house.

So here goes the long over due, don't know why I didn't think of this sooner epiphany: I made the choices that led me to where I am today. I chose to be with him, to marry him, buy that house with him. I chose to not sell it when we divorced. I chose to sell it now and suffer the consequences on my own. And just like I felt empowered to be a single mom owning a home and making it on her own, I should feel empowered too for making difficult decisions knowing the hardships we would go through, for the sake of my 2-person family's happiness. Now that's something to be proud of.

I don't know what I was thinking carrying all this divorced women's scorn around on the inside. Not good Nancy, not good at all. So even with the debt owed, bad credit, the way too high car lease payment, the downsizing and renting, and all the other non-ending negative factors that have come into my life, it is not longer due to my past marriage, but due to the choices I've made. I made it so and for good reasons. And if for nothing else, to build more character!

I love my life! and loving my life means taking the amazing with the awful, the awesome with the suck. and I choose to take it all. I and only I, made the choices that led me here today. and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I am so so thankful for this life, my life.

life is good

la vie est belle

May I be forever blessed with the awesome, sucky, amazing and awful things in my life.

I love this crazy, tragic,
Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautiful life!

the crap line of my life ends now gosh darn it

So as I promised last June in my blog called Mental Toughness, here is the crap line of my life.

Without being dramatic or seeking pity, here's the crap line of my life. Let's start with the BEST day of my life....

Oct. 4, 2005 -> best day of my life - Mathew is born
Jan, 2006 -> my husband of 6 years says he's not happy. Why? he says, "I don't know."
Jun, 2006 -> my husband leaves us and wants a divorce
Oct. 2006 -> the husband who walked out on his family finally has his son sleepover for the first time
Nov. 2006 -> I travel to Hawaii for some needed healing (without Mathew)
Nov. 2006 -> Grand epiphany - "I'm grateful that he left me"
Dec. 2006 -> I discover that the husband has a live-in girlfriend and he finally filed the divorce paperwork (interesting timing)
Feb. 2007 -> my dog, Harley, bites another dog, leading to that dog's death
Mar 2007 -> lost the animal court case, fined for animal biting
June 2007 -> the divorce is finalized, my name is back
Aug 2007 -> the ex-husband tells me his girlfriend is 5 months pregnant
Sept. 2007 -> I vacation to Spain (without Mathew)
Oct. 2007 -> I met a guy, and started falling in love
Nov 2007 -> the ex-husband marries his now 8 month pregnant girlfriend in the courthouse
Dec. 2007 -> my boyfriend moves in with us (i know, i know...it was quick)
Jun. 2008 -> got my first tattoo
Sep. 2008 -> my little brother, Philippe gets married
Sep. 2008 -> my boyfriend leaves us and doesn't look back
Sep. 2008 -> we find out my mother has cancer in her kidney
Nov. 4, 2008 -> my mom is cancer-free!
Jan. 2009 -> tried e-harmony. fail.
Feb. 2009 -> the ex-husband tells me he just bought a 5 bedroom house with a pool and asks to lower child support in the same conversation. Few days later, he asks me to stop communicating with his family
Feb. 2009 -> I have a new boss
Apr 2009 -> I make the hardest decision in my life. Harley is given up for adoption.
Aug 11, 2009 -> worst day of my life - my big brother, Robin passes away
Sept 2009 -> get my second tattoo in memory of my brother Robin
Nov 2009 -> the ex-husband tells me his wife is 8 months pregnant (only cause Mathew figured it out and told me)
Jan 2010 -> tried online dating again. fail.
Feb 2010 -> stopped paying my mortgage - I owe double the value of what my house is worth and want out of this past life.
Mar 2010 -> take Mathew to Canada to see snow
May 2010 -> get served, foreclosure lawsuit on my house (I have a short-sale contract pending)
May 2010 -> take week long vacation to Disney (mostly for me)
June 21, 2010 -> went sky diving for my brothers would be 40th birthday
August 2010 -> buyer for my short sale house withdraws contract
August 11, 2010 -> one year anniversary of my brother's death

Sept. 2010 -> work woes begin
Oct. 2010 -> Bear, our family dog passes away
Nov. 2010 -> Second buyer of my short sale declined meeting the Banks financial numbers.
Dec. 29, 2010 -> Third Buyer of my short sale house withdraws contract

Dec. 30, 2010 -> Visit the happiest place on Earth with Mathew (magic kingdom)

and now...
2011 -> the beginning of a new life line! =)

are you big enough?

I dated.

I loved.

I married.

I mothered.

I divorced.

I dated.

I loved again.

I don't date.

I am a single mom.

In my life lessons, I grew stronger and more independent.

With every passing moment, I wonder if I could let love in again.

I've built a life around me that only needs my two grounded feet.

I know that I (and myself alone) can conquer anything life throws at me.

I've developed a preference to go it alone.

Even as a mother, I am so proud of my son that I don't want to share that parenting responsibility. I'm selfish.

My weakness is my strength.

My downfall is my resolve.

I know I want a life partner, who is my my best friend and my lover.

I don't know that I know how to let love in again.

I just know that I need someone bigger than me.

Are you big enough to be my man?

The Scarlet Letter

“Life is short, have an affair”
This is an advertising tag line for an online dating service geared towards married people. This is no joke! I took notice when I saw the commercial spot during the Super Bowl stating “when divorce is not an option.” Are you kidding me? I had to watch it again to be sure this was for real! It is unimaginable to conceive a business like this exists…oh, but it does! This company (which I’m intentionally not mentioning) is ultimately condoning and advocating affairs. Yes, affairs have been going on for centuries. But does this mean we should start condoning it and perceiving it as acceptable behavior. Have we no shame? No morals? No family values? Have we lost our minds? Adultery should be shameful, not appealing. Adultery is a sin, not a virtue.

What has the world come to when businesses our profiting off of shamelessly breaking up marriages, destroying homes and families, afflicting pain on innocent children, disregarding the values of marriage, and condoning all of it at the same time??? What about the television affiliates who are allowing this on air? Oh boy...where are we going from here?

What message are we sending to the kids who are watching these commercials or who read the billboards? Do we really want to start spreading the message that marriage is not sacred and that affairs are acceptable? We already live in a society with a divorce rate of over 50%. We are already losing site of decent moral behavior. Should we allow businesses to not only profit off of our humanity, our sins, but also to dictate our morals and values? This is disgraceful!

I’m beyond appalled, I’m sickened and agitated. There are so many different levels of wrong here…I just cannot go on any further! I’m truly heartbroken!

UGH!


Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I still have hope for our future, for our children. I still have faith. I still believe in ‘love conquers all’! All you need is love! Love is all you need!

Strong Enough

Am I really that strong?
Why does everyone think that I'm so strong?
I still hurt.
I still cry.
I still get lonely.
I still feel betrayed.
I still fall apart.
I still get angry.
I still feel sad.
I'm afraid.
I'm cynical.
I'm confused.
I'm not strong, I'm a wreck.

What defines a strong person?

I remind myself that this recent discovery doesn't change the fact that he still left our marriage/our family like a coward.
I remind myself to be grateful he left me.
I remind myself I'm independent, I don't need a man.
I remind myself I have so much to live for and so much to give.
I remind myself that at the end of this experience I will come out on top.
I remind myself to believe. Believe in my karma.
Mostly, I remind myself that it's okay to feel less than strong. I'm only human!

Before I go, let me leave you with a few related quotes:
"What does not kill me makes me stronger."
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger in the broken places."
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated."
~ Ernest Hemingway

"To err is human, to forgive divine."
~ Alexander Pope

"May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy."
~Author unknown

"I can handle anything that life throws at me - I may not be able to handle it well, or correctly, or gracefully, or with finesse, or expediently - but I will handle it. Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance!"
~ Author unknown

Grand Epiphany

I had a grand epiphany yesterday. It literally happened in a fleeting moment. It was fuzzy and blurry at first, and out of nowhere this crisp clear thought crashed into me: "I don't resent him anymore!" Wow! Do you realize how huge that is? Wow!

I will attempt to make this epiphany apparent in words:

I'm not sorry that he left me, not anymore. I'm happy now. I feel like a new and improved person. I feel great. Actually, I am grateful he left me. I found something inside of me that I would have never discovered with him by my side. I probably would have ended up being in a miserable marriage because I would never have left the marriage myself. So I am grateful he left. I understand now that he needed to do what he needed to do for himself. And now I'm doing what I need to do for myself. I hold no grudge, hatred, bitterness, or resentment. I can be his friend, care for him, even love him, and know that our marriage and what we had is now behind me. Wow...it feels so good. Words cannot describe the liberation I feel right now. I owe a lot of this release to the healing powers of Hawaii. I'm telling you; something happened to me when I was in Hawaii. Since then, there has been this gradual escalating feeling of release, liberation, happiness, freedom. I can't even explain where it is coming from and how, I just feel it! It feels great! I feel awesome!

Life is good!

Before I go, let me leave you with a list of words that describe me and how I am feeling in this moment:
Happy
Liberated
Great
Smiling
Blessed
Free
Light
Grateful
Forgiving
New
Refreshed
Understanding
Patient
Alive
Bright
Beautiful
Enlightened
Rediscovered

Hawaii = My Healing Place

The magical beauty of Hawaii that surrounded me awakened my senses and healing powers within. In the midst of tropical paradise, I discovered myself again; the new and single me (not the wife or ex-wife, not the mom, just ME). I delved into some areas in my life I have been afraid to visit, had no time to explore, and plainly just avoided. I was on this hellish emotional roller coaster ride in Hawaii. I hated the ride, but had to get on it. I somehow found the courage to get on this uncomfortable ride. Maybe it was the magical healing powers of Hawaii? Maybe I was just ready to get on with it? I broke down many times, with an array of emotions, and I discovered that it is all okay, I am okay. In a sense, I mourned the loss of my marriage. If you can compare my experience to the loss of a loved one, I went through the last phases of the grieving process, acceptance. Before I left for Hawaii, I don't think I accepted the finality of my marriage more than just with a verbal and physical agreement. I never "realized" my loss. I did while in Hawaii; I endured the pain of not having my best friend with me. I missed the love we shared. I suffered loneliness. I felt the sadness of missing out on the family I dreamed of. I smiled reminiscing at the memories we shared. I sincerely felt joy thinking of the "us" we had and the possible "friendship" that could form. I despise that feeling, but all the while strangely understand it as forward progression. I wondered and agonized over the question "why." I know I may never get an answer and I understand that. At times I felt depressed for what happened to me, and yet overcome with happiness! I know that in spite of all that he did in the end, it is okay to miss him. It is okay to mourn the loss of my marriage and feel hurt, pain, happiness, loneliness, suffering, sorrow...all of it. With time and head on collisions with my emotions, it will all pass. I now accept the loss fully. And I invite any and all emotions that come with this loss. It feels good to feel the hurt. Sounds weird, but it felt good to cry and hysterically lose it. Maybe I never entirely broke down before, maybe because I had no time, so many things to focus on and worry about. Or maybe I just wasn't ready? Being away in a tropical paradise with no worries, but my tan lines, I felt liberated to finally FEEL. And I feel now. And it sucks, but it feels good. I am feeling again. I feel the desire to love and be loved again. I have desires and new dreams. I have renewed hope and faith. I see rainbows and birds flying freely. I found me. I am ME.

I long for freedom and a deep commitment to others.
I long for solitude and intimacy.

Even though this vacation was more about the journey than the destination, I still enjoyed the destination.

- Got me some tan lines, while absorbing the sun rays and capturing the tranquil serenity of Napili Bay
- Snorkeled and saw me some sea turtles. Yay! Words that come to mind: Beautiful, rapid, earthly, fragile, graceful, and peaceful.
- Pearl Harbor - no words can describe, visit mandatory if you ever visit Hawaii
- Surfed. I loved it! I truly understand the addiction now (minus the rash burns and foot injury from the coral). Christian, when are you taking me surfing now?
- Drove down to Hana (east coast of Maui), waterfalls, black sand beaches, red sand beaches, small towns, scenic, and beautiful. If heaven had a highway, this road would be it.
- Sunsets…nothing to explain, simply gorgeous.
- The Banyan Tree – enormous, intricate, inviting. I enjoyed some reading time on a park bench under this tree.

Before I go, let me leave you with my welcome home greeting:
Coming down the escalator at the airport, I spotted Mathew in his stroller eating some snacks. When I got close enough, I called out his name "Mathew!" He looked up and spotted me and gave me this look of "OH! It's you! I wasn't expecting you!" And his eyes grew big and his legs started to kick. I quickly unbuckled him out of the stroller and picked him up. He gave me a big hug with his face planted in my neck. I lowered myself to the floor and put him down and he kept coming back for more hugs. "I love this kid," "This kid is awesome" I kept thinking to myself. And the hugs came to an abrupt stop when he spotted a girl his age with a ball. I'm glad to be back home!

Disconnect

Definitions for understanding this blog:
World = people and all man made things
Earth = Mother Nature and all things natural

Ever want to just disconnect?

Today I want to disconnect from this world. Escape all senses of reality. No emotions. No feelings. No responsibilities. No world around me. Just me with nothing and earth. I want to disconnect from the world around me, but absorb the earth itself. Absorb nature, beauty and all its natural possessions. Too many distractions; like earthlings, technology, and cars. Walked tonight to escape and disconnect. I just wanted peace, silence, solitude, nothingness. Just Disconnect. Absorb sunset of orange and pink, admire looming rain clouds and a crescent moon, hear birds chirping, and watch water ripples from the crisp breeze and sense the coolness on my skin... Yet, with all of that, there's just no leaving this world. It's just always there. Interrupted by the beeps from construction trucks in reverse. Cars and loud bikes. Horns and sirens. And earthlings!!! Can you really ever disconnect from the world or are you always bound to this world with all its earthlings till death? For life? Ironic how in this world we (earthlings) create this ceremonious binding contract called marriage and announce our love "till death do us part" as if it has any meaning or value. What value does it have if you can easily disconnect in a marriage, it's called a divorce. But this earth we live in...is the only true binding contract we will ever enter "till death do us part" (even if not by choice). Yet, we ruin earth by trying to make it our own world, forgetting it's not for ours to keep. We never appreciate the little intricacies of earth, Mother Nature. Mother Nature never divorces us, never deserts us...it's all around us. The unconditional love that exists is in everything around us. Take a moment to disconnect from this world and reconnect with this earth.

All I need is fleeting moments of disconnect. Not a divorce from this world, just moments of escape. Are there too many distractions? Maybe in Hawaii I will find my disconnect. If not, I always have it in my mind.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I had an emotional day.
Tears
Laughs
Deep breaths
Sighs
Pilates
Walks
Long talks
Cramps
Exhaustion
Self-reflecting
Looking for my 30 minutes of disconnect

Blame

Why is it that sometimes I still blame myself for my failed marriage?
When I talk to my friends about it, most of them just think I'm not over him and that I would take him back if I had the chance. I really hate that. What most of my friends don't realize is that I would NEVER take him back. But why is it not okay to still think I could have done more? When being with other married couples (as happy as we were at one point), I think how the hell did my marriage not work out? I wonder what I did wrong. Is it normal to sit here and blame myself? I'm always the type of person that looks to blame herself first rather than point blame to others in any situation. But in this case, I realize and understand that this failed marriage was not my fault AT ALL. I know fully well I did everything I could to try to make it work. I loved him with everything I had (all the way to the end). Yet, there's this slightest thought that slivers into my head that maybe it was my fault. I know better than to think like this. But I just wanted to share...you know, I'm not perfect. I know most of you are shocked to hear that. hee

Just know this:
In the end (which is what this is - OVER), I am grateful for this failed marriage. It has been a catalyst for positive personal transformation. So I say THANK YOU!

Before I go, let me leave you with the chorus lyrics of Fighter by Christina Aguilera:
'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

It's a process...

And it's ALL catching up with me. I am completely drained in all the senses. My body is starting to feel sick. I'm tired all the time (even with 8-9 hours of sleep). I eat sufficiently, but probably not enough. But most of all, I am losing my mind. My mind is dull and in desperate need of release. I'm lonely for company. Not the lonely, I need a guy in my life kind. Although a little male company wouldn't hurt either. I meant lonely in a very broad sense. I am in need of adult conversations, mingling and meeting new people, going out for drinks or dinner, going back to my dancing every Wednesday night, or going to the gym everyday. These are the things I miss. These are things I so desperately need! I am actively working on regaining these things in my life. It's hard!

I am still struggling. I still feel pain and sadness inside. But let me be clear on one thing: I'm over the marriage and my soon to be ex-husband. What I am working on is getting through this process. I do not want to sit idly watching life pass me by. I'm working on regaining my life back, with my new addition to it: Mathew. And it's not easy. This process is something I just have to endure. I can't skip ahead. I need to go through this to get to where I am going. But while I endure this process and this time, I will do so with the utmost class and civility, and look goddamn HOT all the while.

Before I go, let me just finish by saying:
I'm not looking for pity or guilt, I'm just here trying to vent and let it all out. I believe, no, actually I know as a matter of fact, that I WILL be better than I would have been!

Gray

How do I love someone that doesn't love me back, that doesn't want to be with me? How do I accept that? How do I learn to stop loving him? I keep asking myself: How did I get here? Why? How can someone just cut you out of your life? After all the years and love we've shared, is it that easy to forget? I don't understand. It hurts! It hurts to think of what I had and what it should be. I used to feel like the luckiest person on this earth to have found a love so deep and so true. I hoped others could find a love like mine. How did it all get screwed up? I gave my husband, this marriage, everything I had to give. And here I am now standing with my son, wondering how and why? It doesn't make sense. How am I supposed to stop loving him, give up, and move on? The memories aren't even old, they are still alive. The dreams we shared are still so fresh.

I just needed to let this out.

Before I go, let me leave you with the color of my day:
Outside my window, all I see is the color gray. How fitting?

He's Back!

Phone rings and to my surprise its my husband. I gave him a speech, not to change his mind as much as just to let it all out. Hours after my rant, he called me back. He wants to come back home and work on our marriage.

Don't come back out of guilt or obligation. Don't come back so you can say you tried just to leave later with no guilt. It will be hard work, but we can make it if we try,just the two of us. Who sings that song anyway? "Building castles in the sky...just the two of us, we can make it if we try..."

With empty promises in the past, only time will tell. I am remaining optimistic but airing on the side of caution.

So he's back, we shall see.

On another note, Mathew's first day at day care was great. The teacher's said he had a great time. He did fuss a little bit, but they said it was normal for a rookie. He definitely missed me. When I came by to visit around 1pm, he quickly scampered to me and gave me a hug and would not let go. It was the best HUG in the world. He did it again when I came back at 5pm. It was so sweet. It melted my heart, my little prince charming!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
We all have a childhood dream that when there is love, everything goes like silk, but the reality is that marriage requires a lot of compromise.
More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.

Is it really over?

I'm finally home, no more traveling for a while, please. I just got back from St. Pete's Beach. Michael had a police conference and I joined him. Mathew and I had a blast; morning strolls, feeding swans, swimming in the pool, playing on the beach shores, taking naps, visited the Florida Aquarium (in Tampa), and just spent the best quality time together. Mathew starts day care on Monday, so it was a perfect week for the two of us!

However, this trip was far from perfect for my husband and I. My life is turning upside down, and I am searching for ways to look up and smile. My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years, we have a 9 month old son, own a townhouse, have successful careers, are financially stable...all our goals and dreams have come true, but now my husband wants out. What is supposed to be the best time of our lives has been the most trying! I don't believe we have tried every (or any for that matter) avenue to save this marriage, but I cannot force someone to do things they don't want to. I've shed many tears and there is this hole in my heart now. I've been hanging on to this shred of hope that this has all been a bad dream, it just doesn't seem real. I kept telling myself this is not happening to me, it can't. We were this perfect couple, the couple everyone envied. He was my best friend! What went wrong? It didn't/doesn't make sense. But that shred of hope I hung onto drove me into sporadic bouts of misery and depression. It is time to see that there is no hope if only one person wants it. I can fight for this marriage but never win if I'm the only one fighting for it. I'm not giving up, I'm moving on, I'm facing "his" reality. I am strong. I am resilient. I will love again. Most of all I will be the best mom to my son, Mathew.

For most of you reading this, it will be the first you hear of my heartache. Im sorry I didn't share with you my deepest feelings. Maybe I was just afraid to admit what was really going on. After all these months of sorrow, I need my friends more than ever. Remind me that I will make it through this and will find the light at the end of the tunnel (how cliché, huh?).

My mind and heart needs to be reset. I had all these dreams of my family, our future dream home, retirement together, traveling in an RV cross country, going on a cruise to the Caribbean, growing old together, and every little detail you can imagine, it was all played out in my mind. I have to now erase it all and hit the reset button, start new dreams, new images, and new plans for my life. I will first start by taking one day at a time. I'll build the rest later.

Before I go catch some Z's, let me leave you with my daily serenity prayer these days:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

Bad Day

:(

Fenugreek

Earlier this week, my milk supply started diminishing. Stress, skipping my pumping sessions probably all didnt help. I started feeling depressed about it and realized I really want to continue breastfeeding. Ive always said I wanted to for at least one year, but it hit me that I really, really wanted to. Does that make sense? Its like you dont know what you have until its gone. Well, as soon as I was losing the milk, I was feeling sad, disappointed, and depressed. I did some research (like I always do Im a dork like that). I found an herb called Fenugreek, which according to ancient myths, it helps increase breast milk production. I started my first dose last night. I am not ready to give up breastfeeding yet. Since last night, Ive already noticed an increase in the milk production. Im feeling optimistic that I will get to continue breastfeeding whereas two nights ago I was preparing myself for the devastation of the disconnect between mother and child, of having to turn to formula yuk! It looks like I wont have to worry about that now.

I am thankful for herbal remedies! Isn't this earth the best? This just reaffirms my beliefs that the earth (organic) is best! Trust me I'm not fanatical to say the least, but I am aware of my choices.

Before I go for my first therapy session ever, let me leave you with this excerpt from an article I was reading today:

Marriage is not a fairy tale. The love you share with your mate will change over time. What you need out of your relationship will change over time. The excitement will eventually wear off. Your patience and devotion will be tested. Marriage requires you to give of yourself, to make sacrifices, and to admit when you are wrong. It requires you to forgive when you really don't want to, and to keep on trying no matter how hard you want to give up. It takes dedication, commitment, honesty, and effort to make a marriage last. There is no magic formula to making a marriage work. Many people enter a marriage expecting their partner to make them "happy" or "complete". However, only you can be held responsible for your own happiness. By taking the time to think about your future and sharing your thoughts with your partner, you have already taken the first step in making sure your relationship can stand the test of time.

My Day

Let me start off with a Mathew update:

Mathew's tooth is breaking through on the other side. I can see a little white cap and feel a sharp edge. He's also on his hands and knees ready to crawl, but hasn't quite figured out how to move his hands forward. Today was his last day of mommy and me class (for 0 – 3 months). In class today, he did the cutest thing. He was in this play area with another girl and he kept reaching for her. The cute part was that he was reaching for her with his mouth open like he wanted to kiss her. He would finally grab her shirt and put his mouth on her. I think he just wanted to put her in his mouth like he puts everything else in his mouth, but I'd like to think he was giving her kisses (get your mind out of the gutter- we're talking about babies here). Anyway, he loves these classes so I signed him up for the next session 6 – 9 months.

After class, my girlfriend (Lauren) and I went to the spa. I got a manicure and pedicure. The place was nice. It was relaxing not having to worry and tend to someone else (even if it was only for a couple of hours). I need more time like that.

My girlfriend (Carrie) and I had an enlightening conversation about men tonight. Without going into many details, we believe all men come with broken parts. Being in a relationship is hard work, and I think it's worth it. It's a women's job to sculpt the broken pieces. My husband calls it nagging. Ha! No really, some things come easy while other things are real difficult. But you get through them as a couple by communicating openly and honestly. No relationship is perfect or what you expect it to be. All relationships will have its downs, but think you wouldn't get to enjoy the ride back up. So take the downs in strides and enjoy the ride back up! Love is worth it all!

Before I go to milk the cow, let me leave you with these quotes I found about marriage:

Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate. ~Barnett R. Brickner

More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse. ~Doug Larson

In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage. ~Robert Anderson