a day like no other

will it or not
it is here
here i am
on august 11th

thought it would pass me by
a day like any other
who am i fooling
it's impossible to escape

the mindfulness is too strong
subconscious thoughts creep in
fleeting memories fly by
and here we go again
burdened with my grief

i miss you today
like i missed you yesterday
i need you today
like i needed you all this time
i want you hear with me
like you never left

death changes nothing
yet everything at once
and time stands still
while it passes you by

it's supposed to get easier
or so they say
but on days like this
it never really is

i will face the day in such a way
not like any other
but like the day it is
the day i lost my brother
five years ago today

never will you be forgotten
on this day or ever
until the day i see you again

Robin, in case you ever foolishly forget; i am never not thinking of you.
from my heart to your soul...



"death leaves a heartache no one can heal; love leaves a memory no one can steal"  - unknown

"sorrow comes in great waves...but it rolls over us, and though it may almost smother us it leaves us on the spot and we know that if it is strong, we are stronger, inasmuch as it passes and we remain" - henry james

life is beautiful

life is beautiful.

I believe in it's ugliest hour, beauty still exists.

for every act of terror,
there are more deeds of kindness

for every act of war,
there are more feats of compassion

through all the chaos and madness,

humanity still prevails

through the destruction and wreckage,

nature still shines on

through the dark clouds and bloody trails,

compassion and kindness exists in plenty

and through it all, you name it,

love supersedes evil

to me, the most beautiful thing in life is love

love overpowers hate. love empowers us. love sees us through.

love is amazing. love sets us free.

so when you find yourself question life, existence, evil and/or this crazy fucked up world we live in... remember life is beautiful. life is beautiful in all the simple things around us and hidden in all the ugly things we endure. cause through it all, and in the end, sunsets still rise, birds still chirp, flowers keep on blooming, trees are growing, ocean waves keep rolling on...people rise together, love blooms every day, lives flourish and thrive, and humanity keeps rolling on. so stop, take note of it. revel in it every chance you get. life is beautiful in every corner of this earth.

with love, we are invincible. 

all we need is love. love is all we need.

and never forget:

life is beautiful.

Will you still love me?

The man I want to share the rest of my life with responded to one of my poems posted on this blog. It was from January 29, 2009, Will you still love me?

I will share his response (permission granted), but first here is mine again:

Will you still love me
if I fail to say the words you want to hear

Will you still love me
if I don't meet up to your fantasies

Will you still love me
if things don't turn out the way you wanted

Will you still find a way to love me
when you find yourself falling out of love with me

When you say you love me, will you still love me for the rest of your life?

~sol

And now here is my beloved's response:

I will still love you
if you fail to say the words I want to hear
for your truth pierces me and your honesty speaks to my heart

I will still love you
if you don't meet up to 'my' fantasies
for a dream that is shared is worth twice one imagined alone

I will still love you
if things don't turn out the way I wanted
for I know I am but a fallible man
I'd rather navigate this life together to get to where we've planned

I will still find a way to love you
if I find myself falling out of love with you
for what we've got has got good bones. a love planted so firmly in the heart is not so easily uprooted.

When I say I love you, I will still love you for the rest of my life.
Which I hope will end one day before you
so I know not what it's like to live without your love.

~ Uriel


Lucky are we that our souls united! I love this man, Mr. Uriel Gonzalez!

"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same"

"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies"

two years

two years

"they" say:

time heals all wounds

it'll get better or easier with time

i disagree.

time only makes it easier to suppress the pain

time gives you a false sense of reality without the guilt

time only helps you forget

i dont want to forget

even if it means pain

i want to feel the hurt

not repress it

i want to cry when the pain strikes me

even if i'm on the sidewalk or in a store

i don't want to hide from the memories

i don't want to ignore the hurt

it's the pain that reminds me how much i miss you

without the pain, i'd be afraid to forget you

i'm afraid to lose this pain i feel

in fear of losing you

It is true that I have less days of sorrow

and more days of delightful memories

but my loss is still permanent

my hole in my heart is still empty

how can my life ever be the same again?

it won't, it just won't

it can't be without you in it

i've been missing you for 730 days now

and i will continue to miss you all the days of my life

till we meet again big brother

with all the love in my heart

i fucking miss you!

~sol

exit, stage right!

my mind

like a hamster in a cage

running in circles

with no end in sight

trapped

full of questions

fear

anxiousness

piled high

losing balance

things out of my control

exhausted from running in place

ranting and babbling

worried and stressful

panic swirling around

suffocating me

morbid thoughts seeping in

silent screams pouring out

stomach twisting into hollow nausea

drowning in my troubles of futile concern

exit, stage right!

~sol

my bubble

i do proclaim i'm in love

the third time is a charm

i've walked around hopeful

but planning for a single life

i've dreamed of love again

but found peace without it

i've believed in a happy ending

creating it all on my own

in my declaration of loving the single life,

i sheltered us in a protective bubble

floating in the clouds

happy and shielded

no one or nothing bringing us down

just the two of us

and after all these years

living in this bubble

someone found a passage inside

he didn't pop it

didn't ask me to leave it

he just softly soared inside with us

filling our bubble with hope, love, and new dreams

i found love again

one like never before

sharing a connection spoken without words

a bond founded deeper than can be concocted

souls united from the heavens

hearts tied together

in this bubble,

growing bigger and brighter

i learn to balance and harmonize

what was once made for 2

now becoming a party of 5

you can say, i've got some adjusting to do...

but please don't burst my bubble

~sol

i feel you

your pain

you writhe internally

absorbing your affliction alone

but it seeps through my bones

enduring the sharpness piercing me

i feel your pain

i feel you

your hurt

you agonize unanswered questions

sifting through the muck alone

but it strikes me to my core

bruising and battering me around

i feel your hurt

i feel you

your anger

you burn in fury privately

losing control and fighting with yourself

but it clenches my heart

pounding with frenzy

i feel your anger

i feel you

your grief

you ache in a constant state

a permanent void you fill with lonely gloom

but it amplifies my matching eternal hole

a space for the never-ending flow of tears

i feel your grief

i feel you

your joy

you radiate with delightful bliss

sharing your smiles and wonder

and it penetrates my heart

glowing and floating with you on cloud 9

i feel your joy

i feel you

your fortune

you say you hit the jackpot

appreciating and savoring your treasure

and it feels so perfect

you are perfect for me

i feel your fortune

i feel you

your life

you live life to the fullest

grateful and giving; caring and unselfish

and it complements my life completely

our souls are one in the same

i feel your life

i feel you

your love

you love with intensity and devotion

enchanted with a magical mystery

and it consumes me whole; spellbound

i love you with all my heart and soul

i feel your love

i feel you

i am your friend

and i feel you

i am your companion

and i feel you

i am your lover

and i feel you

i am you

i feel you

i love you

~sol

i have morbid thoughts

I have morbid thoughts

always have

they sweep through my mind

and take residence

they consume every part of me

evicting me from my own mind

with motherhood, my morbid thoughts multiplied

my mind, a breeding ground

producing constant fear and worry

lack of control

luring tears and shaking fits

it is a wonder, i survive

with age and lessons learned, I still have morbid thoughts

fleeting though

moving in only on temporary notice

barely noticeable

as i breathe

as i meditate

serenity, courage, wisdom

the morbid thoughts crawling away on all fours

except....

in the last couple days, i continue to have morbid thoughts

dwelling in my mind

strengthening in my weakness

my biggest fear of leaving my son motherless

in a selfish act of traveling alone

anxiety, stress, dread

breathing, meditating

a facade that my morbid thoughts see right through

they've invaded completely

a horrifying world of morbid thoughts

with courage, i'm fighting

with determination, i'm winning

to manage these thoughts

and expel them from my mind

I demand to feel excitement for my journey to Israel

so i say to my morbid thoughts,

tonight you die!

(is it okay to think morbid thoughts about my morbid thoughts?)

~sol

some quotes:
...worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.
...for peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe.
...troubles are a lot like people - they grow bigger if you nurse them.

I Love You, Earth

I firmly believe that earth, mother nature, you, me, us, we are all connected

connected by an inexplicable, unscientifically proven energy

an energy that drives us, that connects us

whether we can feel it or not

it's there and this is my god

I feel so deeply and spiritually connected to this energy, this earth

don't you?

sunsets move me. they take my breath away. each sunset unique like a thumbprint in the sky. no crayon in the box can match the fusion of colors. the layers in the sky evoke a sense of serenity. the sun rays last beams of the day sound like angels singing hallelujah. it's so heavenly.

sunrises are so graceful. they find there way in your heart. like a sunset, also incomparable to the one before. the peaking rays arise a feeling of hope. a new day has begun in the most extraordinary way. amazing.

trees touch my heart. they fill my heart with joy. trees with leaves. trees with flowers. trees with fruit. bare trees. colored trunks. trees. trees. trees. i love trees. i can see them move to music like a ballet dancer. an elegant beauty. each tree has a story. it's empowering.

the ocean humbles me. the vastness calms my spirits. the unknown mysteries below captivate me. creatures yet to be discovered. menacing and ominous, yet brotherly and inviting. the waves working in rhythm, crashing in crescendo. the tempo ever-changing. like a never-ending classical music piece. breathtaking.

lightning strikes me in awe. it's beauty fleeting and so unexpected. a vivid charge of light streaking through the night sky. I see blues, purples, pinks and whites combined to make an electric spark. enthralled with sounds of thunder close behind. exhilarating.

clearly I can go on and describe everything i love about mother earth; like the glorious mountains, the feel of the wind on my face, the blue skies and clouds, the ominous evening black drop, the endless amount of stars, the animals and creatures that roam along side us, cascading waterfalls, lakes, volcanoes, and wow, so much more. I'm even riveted by her magnificent power during her ugliest hour. I'm not a hippie, tree-hugger, granola, or whatever you may perceive. I just love earth. not just beacuse it's my home. but more because it's part of me, you, us...

do you hear it?

do you see it?

can you feel it?

am I the only one?

I am blessed to feel so connected to mother earth. I can see, hear, and feel mother earth and the messages the world sends me. I only hope I can pass this kindred connection to my son.

I love you, Earth!

Thank you!

love is stronger than death

so here i am, at the end of an emotional day
endless supplies of tears and memories
and still feeling after all this time...
alone

my writings are part of my coping mechanism
a temporary mode of catharsis
as expressive as i am
as open as i am
as many tears as i've shed
i sometimes feel just as repressed as the next angst-riddled teen

it scares me to realize that even faced head on
somewhere unbeknownst to me,
there still lies anger, regret, hurt, pain, and deep sorrow
secretly bottled up in the darkest corners of my insides
always ready to boil over
always sitting over the edge
a heart forever broken
a void that can never be filled

i'll always have this feeling, this story, this missing piece in me
that I will carry for the rest of my life
some may understand, some may even empathize
but i realize now that grief can't be shared
you carry it alone
your burden in your own way

a feeling, a story, a missing piece
a responsibility I'm proud to carry
even if i carry it alone
cause in the end
love is stronger than death

~sol

Robin, I'm drowning in tears here

I fucking miss you so!

Never stop sending me messages...

they give me hope!

till we meet again bro...

of such insignificant times

walking down the street

I smile at a complete stranger

and in that instant it occurs to me

i miss my brother's smile

and in that moment

memories flash me by

and a tear forms in my eye

my throat begins to tighten

and I carry on with my head held down low

my emotions run away

while my feet can barely move

feelings of guilt for living on

but smirking cause you'd want it no other way

wanting to call you

and wishing you were still here

missing our talks

missing your hugs

in the quickest of moments

of such insignificant times

I sometimes just breakdown and cry

I miss you so!

~sol

i hate you

I want to scream.

I want to curse.

I want to punch you in the face.

I hate you more than I hated you yesterday.

and every day, I hate you even more.

this negative energy you bring into my life has to come to an end today.

and for as long as you're in my life,

you will not penetrate this wall of love that surrounds me.

my life is too awesome!

so FUCK YOU and have a nice day!

One Year

One year ago today, I lost my big brother Robin.

there are days it still seems surreal

and days that are unbearable

there are better days of memories

and days of love in the air

there are days of wishing

and days of regrets about the past

there are greater days of faith

and days i smile with tears

living in this storm of emotions

these days of ups and downs

one thing is for certain

he resides in my heart everyday

Robin,

I love you.

I miss you.

I wish you were here.

from my heart to your soul

~sol

‎...the only thing that gives me hope, is i know i'll see you again some day.

‎...i wish heaven had a phone so i could hear your voice again
...your absence has gone through me, like thread through a needle. everything I do is stitched with its color.
‎...say not in grief "he is no more" but live in thankfulness that he was
...God didn't take me away from you. He only took my hand and pull me to his side. My body is gone but my spirit will never die.
...when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart. for every time you think of me, I'm right here in your heart.
...love is stronger than death
‎...where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.

...We may not understand why you left this earth so soon, or why you left before we were ready to say goodbye, but little by little, we begin to remember not just that you died, but that you lived. And that your life gave us memories too beautiful to forget.

I also wanted to share a poem by David Harkins...I took the liberty to change the she's to he's, the hers to his....

You can shed tears that he is gone, or you can smile because he has lived. You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back, or you can open your eyes and see all he's left. Your heart can be empty because you can't see him, or you can be full of the love you shared. You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday. You can remember him only that he is gone, or you can cherish his memory and let it live on. You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back. Or you can do what he'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

a parent's stomach

every parent knows what i'm talking about when:

your stomach empties like a dry, ancient volcano that rumbles under the surface threatening to scream a destructive explosion

your stomach grips onto your insides tightening, twisting, and pulling you into a bleak hole until the pain numbs

your broken heart that falls into this bottomless pit softly beats, knocks, ticks, and pumps while swiftly stealing your breath away

your stomach's torture is accompanied with the sleepless nights, the heart that breaks over and over, the endless supply of tears, and the constant, never ending worries and fears.

but on the flip side, there are far more moments in a parents life that stuffs your stomach, warms your insides, and comforts your heart.

but oh, what a parent's stomach goes through!

I will be me

This stems from my reminders to myself lately during this awkward, (mostly) inexplicable (hopefully) brief time in my life:

I will not carry the burden of your happiness.

I am not responsible.

I will not be able to please everyone.

I will not stop trying though.

I will not be liked by all those I meet.

I will still smile and not let it bring me down.

I will make mistakes and that's okay.

I'm a learning sponge.

I will not assume how you are feeling or what you are thinking.

I will ask more questions.

I will believe in myself and in my decisions.

I will not be driven by guilt or doubt.

I will stay positive.

I will look up.

I will be free.

I will be me.

~sol

I am reminded of a quote from over a decade ago... "no can ruin my day, but me!"

swimming in a fish bowl

just keep swimming

just keep swimming

round round

right round like a record baby

hello, is there anybody in there?

i have become comfortably numb.

caught in the in-between,

a beautiful disaster

but i'm not crazy, just a little unwell

i'm falling apart, i'm barely breathing

check my vital signs to know i'm still alive

and i walk alone

i'll send an s.o.s to the world

i hope that someone gets my message

but in the end, it doesn't even matter

~sol

...you know my mind is fluttering in despair when I can't even pick the music mood I'm in.

it's a boy

an unsettling feeling came over me

my thoughts yanked in every direction

a pitiful feeling enters my gut

for innocence shouldn't be taken lightly

a smirk peeking through my lips

as i visualize the irony of it all

my skin turns green in envy

as i wonder how is this fair

laughter billows in the deep parts of my belly

cause it's just too darn funny

my shoulders sunken with sadness

as i foreshadow the worries of the future

peace flows through my veins

as divine justice is served

happiness exudes through my gait

as i remember all the joys in my life

the unsettling feeling that came over me

mixed with an array of emotions

came to an end with a smile

mathew now has another half-sibling

i have all that i can ever ask for, all i ever need

happy alone

happy alone

don't need another half to make me whole

don't need a prince charming for my happily ever after

don't need to be someone else's trophy to feel good

don't need you to make my dreams come true

don't need a baby daddy

don't need a hero to save me

don't need you to complete me

I'm not saying I don't want to fall in love, cause I would...

right now...

I'm broadcasting my independence

I'm rejoicing in my freedom

I'm living my life, my way

and some day, I will love again, but for right now...

I'm happy alone

love the inked skin you're in

love the inked skin you're in

are you repelled

or does it attract you

do you see beauty

or is it trash to you

are you accepting

or do you judge me

do you cringe in disgust

or burst in sexual desire

am i someone different now

or still the same person to you

despite your notion, this ink i wear is not for you

i wear it proud without a care of what you think

~ sol

be grateful to everyone

be grateful to everyone

this proverb is one of 59 proverbs used in the practice of lojong.

Lojong is a mind training practice in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition based on a set of proverbs used to refine one's intent and way of thinking. They are designed "as a set of antidotes to undesired mental habits, paranoia, and fixed ideas that cause suffering."

here's my homage to this proverb:

I am grateful to everyone.

I am grateful to you...

to the one who didn't believe in me and doubted my ability, I am grateful, for you strengthened my resolve and reinforced my determination.

to the one who broke my heart and didn't bother to look back, I am grateful, for you have empowered my independence and deepened my self-confidence.

to the one who doesn't listen and only cares of oneself, I am grateful, for you have bestowed more patience and intensified my compassion.

to the one who shattered my trust and lies without hesitation, I am grateful, for you have increased my wisdom and personal integrity.

to the one who stole from me a loved one, I am grateful, for you have tested my faith, nourished my belief system, and in the process, developed my new appreciation of life.

I am grateful to everyone, for you have made me a strong, compassionate, resilient, successful, self-empowered woman.

I am grateful.

I am grateful to you.

I am grateful to everyone!

~sol