Grief Envy

‎"the deeper the grief, the more radiant the love"

this sentence was like swallowing a ball of razors. these nine words throwing a wrench in my head. i've already been battling with ideas of not grieving enough. do i mourn deeply enough? do i cry enough? do i miss him enough? do i think about him enough? do i feel sorrow enough? do i hurt enough? 9 freaking words amounting to just 2 words for me: grief envy

yes! hi, my name is nancy and i have grief envy!

what is grief envy you might ask? 
in short, being envious of one's grief.
am i the first to have this envy?
probably not. and i probably won't be the last.
now that i have put a "definition" to what i've been feeling
maybe i can deal with it better
now that i've defined it,
maybe i can even just admit to it out loud

so here i go:
i know, i know, we all grieve in our own way. no one way is right or wrong. i'd be the first person to say this. at first, i thought my reasons for my easy grief, was that maybe i was emotionally healthy. but as i grieve, two years later, i still wonder about the depths of my relationship with my brother. i wish i had deeper grief. i wish i had more. my grief doesn't seem enough. i want to hurt more. i want to feel the sorrow deeper. when i think of robin, i grasp at flimsy memories i can barely recall. i'm losing him, his memories. then i see my little brother and i envy his grief (even though he masks it deep on the inside, i see it). i envy the relationship they had together, the countless memories he can recall. i envy the closeness they once had. again, i know, i know, i shouldn't compare relationships, yada yada yada. but still…i know i don't feel the same pain, the same hole, the same loss. i see his and i envy it. i can't help but feel like i missed out, i feel like i should have done more. something is missing and i can't get it back. it's too late. then i also see my boyfriend and i envy his grief over the loss of his brother. i'm so stupid. i know. how crazy to envy someone else's grief. seriously, someone check my head please. seeing those around me grieve the way i want to grieve over my brother, makes me question what kind of connection i had with my brother. i think to myself, if i don't cry and miss him all the time, i must not have had a deep love with him. maybe our relationship wasn't strong enough to affect my life without him. crazy, i know. ridiculous, i know. but still thoughts that run through my head.

i wish i had more, more time, more opportunity. and i can't. so i live with this guilt, this regret.

nine freaking words

"the deeper the grief, the more radiant the love"

how will i ever get over these words?
i can't change what it was, i have to live with what it is.
I can't make it what I want, I have to live with what I've got.
will it ever be enough to comfort me?
will i ever get over the envy?

Mathew is Six

Mathew,

Today you are You,
that is truer than true.
There is no one alive
who is Youer than You.

Happy Birthday To You!

You're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting,
So... get on your way!

Have I ever told you how lucky I am?

I am so proud of the little man you are and the big man you are becoming!

I love you more than words can describe!

It's your day of all days

It's the best of the best

make it awesome

Love your mama-sweeta!

two years

two years

"they" say:

time heals all wounds

it'll get better or easier with time

i disagree.

time only makes it easier to suppress the pain

time gives you a false sense of reality without the guilt

time only helps you forget

i dont want to forget

even if it means pain

i want to feel the hurt

not repress it

i want to cry when the pain strikes me

even if i'm on the sidewalk or in a store

i don't want to hide from the memories

i don't want to ignore the hurt

it's the pain that reminds me how much i miss you

without the pain, i'd be afraid to forget you

i'm afraid to lose this pain i feel

in fear of losing you

It is true that I have less days of sorrow

and more days of delightful memories

but my loss is still permanent

my hole in my heart is still empty

how can my life ever be the same again?

it won't, it just won't

it can't be without you in it

i've been missing you for 730 days now

and i will continue to miss you all the days of my life

till we meet again big brother

with all the love in my heart

i fucking miss you!

~sol

New York, New York

I miss
the delectable food
street hot dogs
central park views
people watching
broadway
I miss you New York, New York!

I don't miss
the smoke filled air
defiled streets
polluted skin at the end of the day
noise so loud I couldn't hear myself think
Starbucks sightings everywhere

I still miss you New York, New York!

I miss the
bustling fun
city night lights
tourist sites

museums galore
street fairs
I miss you New York, New York!

I don't miss
bumping crowds
traffic hampers
summer heat

blistered feet

manure smells

I still miss you New York, New York!

I miss feeling lonely surrounded by millions.
I miss the friends, the laughter, and all the good times.

I miss you New York, New York!

It's time for a trip back to the big apple!

...and I promised Mathew I'd take him there.

Looks like I'll see you soon...New York, New York!

My Heart is Full

Another morning commute conversation with Mathew:

So, this intro part is just a snippet of what we talked about, so I can get to the awesome ending faster.

On our way to school this morning, after a dentist visit, I told him how proud I was of him. He didn't even flinch when they gave him the "sleeping medicine" (also known as, the dreadful novacain shot). I went on to tell him how much I loved him and how "I'm proud of you more than all the proud moms put together." Then I told him, that "I am one lucky mom to have you as my son!" He replies by saying, "I'm the luckiest boy for having the best mom in the world!"

So here's where my heart bounces with joy and is overflowing with so much love, that all I can tell him is "you've touched my heart! my heart is full of love!"

Here's the good part:

Then he says,

"My heart is full of kisses...and all the medium kisses are for you."

I was like,

"WHAT?! Who gets the big kisses?"

He explains quite cleverly,

"The big kisses come out in a big bubble filled with small kisses and they fly over to all the people I love, even in heaven!"

I understand completely (I mean, how can I argue with that?!). I say, "Oh, well of course! Okay, I'll take all the medium kisses I can get."

dude, this kid melts my heart and amazes me every day!

a proud mama i am is an understatement

"maybe the world rules itself"

My morning commute conversation with Mathew:

Out of the blue, Mathew asks me "who rules the world? ...is it god?"

I said "some people think it's god."

Then mathew says "maybe the world rules itself!"

Oh, how I loved to hear that. But I was also so surprised to hear such a profound realization come out of my 5-year old son, so I had to ask him, "where did you hear that from?"

He said, "Nowhere, I just thought of it."

...the conversation continued on about presidents, rulers, kings, and such.

I love having these conversations with him!

P.S. some of you may have heard of this story (on facebook), but I had to add to my blog, after all, this is part of my memory bank

dumping out the grain of sand in my shoe

Be master of your petty annoyances and conserve your energies for the big, worthwhile things. It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out - it's the grain of sand in your shoe.

- Robert Service, a Canadian poet



...today, I am dumping out the grain of sand in my shoe.


This is a re-posted blog quote! i find that I'm in need of this reminder and resolution!

i tried music to let go of the sand in my shoe.
i tried writing to let go of the sand in my shoe.
I tried venting to let go of the sand in my shoe.
and it wasn't till this quote popped back into my head, that I remembered to just dump out the sand in my shoe!

note to self:
you are doing the best you can, where you are, with what you have,
knowing that you can't change certain things.
so fuck those petty annoyances
and focus your energy on all the worthwhile things in your life

Happy Birthday Robin (tomorrow)

Dearest Robin,

Always, for as long as I can,
I will look at this world for both of us.
I will soar with the birds,
I will dare and love,
I will laugh in the sun,
I will dream big
I will wish upon the stars for both of us.
I will pray to the heavens for both of us.
You will live on through me.

I will live for you.

And as promised on your 40th Birthday, I will celebrate your life.
I will celebrate you.

This year, on your birthday,
Together,
We will swim with the dolphins,
glide with the sting rays,
admire the fishes of the sea,

feed the birds and be one with nature.

Thank you for giving my life new adventures and present day living

...not a day goes by you are not with me in my thoughts, my decisions, my actions, or in my heart. I miss you and know I will see you again some day.

Happy Birthday Robin!

See you in the waters, the sky, and heavens above...
see you in all that is nature, mother earth.
Maybe that's why nature is company enough for me.

I love you!

your baby sis,

Nancy

P.S. Robin's birthday is tomorrow, June 23rd.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran

exit, stage right!

my mind

like a hamster in a cage

running in circles

with no end in sight

trapped

full of questions

fear

anxiousness

piled high

losing balance

things out of my control

exhausted from running in place

ranting and babbling

worried and stressful

panic swirling around

suffocating me

morbid thoughts seeping in

silent screams pouring out

stomach twisting into hollow nausea

drowning in my troubles of futile concern

exit, stage right!

~sol

my bubble

i do proclaim i'm in love

the third time is a charm

i've walked around hopeful

but planning for a single life

i've dreamed of love again

but found peace without it

i've believed in a happy ending

creating it all on my own

in my declaration of loving the single life,

i sheltered us in a protective bubble

floating in the clouds

happy and shielded

no one or nothing bringing us down

just the two of us

and after all these years

living in this bubble

someone found a passage inside

he didn't pop it

didn't ask me to leave it

he just softly soared inside with us

filling our bubble with hope, love, and new dreams

i found love again

one like never before

sharing a connection spoken without words

a bond founded deeper than can be concocted

souls united from the heavens

hearts tied together

in this bubble,

growing bigger and brighter

i learn to balance and harmonize

what was once made for 2

now becoming a party of 5

you can say, i've got some adjusting to do...

but please don't burst my bubble

~sol

my past is what it is

I am over feeling that my past is something to be ashamed of.
Doesn't everyone have a past?
Why is my past so different than anyone else's?
Why does my past cause so much drama?
Even if my past shows a pattern of behavior,

isn't who I am NOW all that really matters.
My past experiences (good and bad) are part of me.

Does my past make me not worthy to be loved unconditionally?
Does my past make me not trustworthy or reliable?
Does my past scare you because of your own doubts?

I am loyal and devoted to those in my life.
If I commit to you,

I give one hundred percent loyalty and devotion.
I have never shown otherwise.
And to be hurt by my past seems so unfair.
yet it happens
and it happens again
Will I ever live it down?
Will I ever learn to just shut my mouth? But then again, why should I?
Why should I carry the burden to protect your emotions?

I am over being fearful of a reaction about my past.
If I reveal too much, I live in shame, hurt and guilt.
If I omit anything from my past, I live in lies by omission.
It doesn't seem fair, leaving me with little choice.
So instead, I choose ME! This is me, take it or leave it.

I have learned,
you must accept people for who they are.
You'll end up lonely and without love otherwise.

Why is it that we can't all just accept each other for who we are?

and where we came from to get here?
People make mistakes. People won't always live up to your expectations.
People have pasts. People have regrets. People are fallible. People are human.
Love them anyway.

I have also learned,
I am in control of my own feelings.
No one can make me feel guilty or shameful but myself.

I don't want to ever even contemplate the idea of hiding my past.
I don't want to burden myself with lies of omission to spare your feelings.
I don't want ME to be taken away from me because you can't handle it.

Deal with it, I have a past.

P.S. So do you!
And if you can't deal with my past,

then just be a part of it.

Quote by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry:
The arms of love encompass you with your present, your past, your future. The arms of love gather you together.

Shalom Israel

Two weeks in Israel; here are my tidbits, random thoughts, perceptions, and experiences (in no particular order):

My answer to “how was your trip?” - Beautiful!

The cities we visited: Tel Aviv, Eilat, Negev Desert, Netanya, Haifa, Acco, Tzfat, Hadera, Caesaerea, Tiberias, Jerusalem… pretty much all of Israel.

Israel is an inspiring country. I was impressed with its independence, its agriculture, its strength, and mostly for its fierce patriotism!

My favorite city: Jerusalem. I heart Jerusalem! I can’t really explain why, but it can have a lot to do with its history. The history and story of places are so appealing to me. And Jerusalem is one of the oldest cities in the world, so yea I kinda liked it!

My favorite historical site: Masada. I was in complete and utter admiration and respect for the construction, the location, the people, and the history of this place. A-Mazing!

My favorite museum (and the only one I went to): Yad Vashem, the Holocaust History Museum. It's hard to swallow the beauty of this museum when it's choking in the disturbing real artifacts, photos, and letters of the systematic extermination of the Jews during the war. Daunting. Sadness. Emotional. Absurd reality. An absolute must see/visit for the memory, testimonies, honor, and education.

My favorite tour: The Western Wall Tunnels. The Western wall we see is only an eighth of the original entire wall. The tour takes us underground to give us a better vision of the depth and size of the original wall. Unimaginable! Think: the largest stone (which is underground) is 44 feet long and 10 feet wide, weighing 570 tons. Imagine moving that stone two thousand years ago. Plus, on this tour, I was standing at the closest possible spot of the holy of holies, the most holy place.

The Western Wall: Walking up to this wall, I felt intimidated, not sure what to do or how to feel anything. Even for a non-religious person like me, I was hesitant to be in a holy place and not feel a connection. Standing at the wall, with a piece of paper in my hand (a previously written thought out prayer – maybe for another blog), I just started to cry with strong emotions and thoughts of Robin coursing through my heart and soul. I shoved my paper in the wall and walked away backwards. Now, I understand why they call it the Wailing Wall.

A moment of awe: I was standing in Israel at the border of Egypt, while able to see Saudi Arabia and Jordan. I was so awed by that moment of “almost” being in four countries at once. Oh how I would have loved to visit Jordan and Egypt!

Food - Yummo! The food was delicious, very much Middle Eastern style, which is what I grew up on. Israelis do love their salads. Salads galore!
Goldstar – Israeli dark lager beer
Chocolate –popping chocolate bar. It was so deliciously fun. It was like pop rocks but inside milk chocolate bar. How cool?! In fact, I’m eating the last of the Israeli chocolate I brought back as I write this.
Sunflower Seeds – the largest sunflower seeds ever! All produce in Israel was LARGE and in charge!
Zitoune – Olives. I love olives. Olives everywhere!
Mint tea – drank at least two glasses of mint tea a day.
McDonalds – They rule the world! McD’s in the middle of the Negev desert, nothing else in sight…seriously, I’m not kidding you. It was crazy when I saw McD’s in famous Europe cities like London, Madrid, Rome, but in the middle of the desert that just blew my mind away!

Beaches: They’ve got nothing on Maui beaches or even parts of Florida. I didn’t find the desire or need to spend time on Israeli beaches, but then again I have been to Maui! Can you even compare?

Bodies of water: My toes touched the Mediterranean Sea, the Red Sea, the Dead Sea, and the Sea of Galilee… collected rocks from each to place at Robin’s grave.

I’m a sucka for tourist shops; a total junkie. I love knick knacks and paddy whacks!

Mailed out postcards with three days left of vacation! Oh well, better late than never.

Transportation: We rented two itty bitty cars. We were a total of 8 people on this trip (a number, by the way, that’s too high for major travel excursions). It was 3 couples (one of which were my parents, the other two my uncles; then my cousin and I). Our car rides were bitter sweet. Hated the traveling drama, it was commuting hell. The running joke was that we couldn’t get to our destination without at least 2 u-turns. Not quite a funny joke to me. I didn’t mind catching up on my sleep, but wished the journey was just as interesting as our destinations…and it easily could have been. I wanted to stop for amazing views, to run through a field of sunflowers, take amazing sunset pictures, and just to absorb the journey. This is why I prefer to travel alone.

Highways: Super pristine clean! I never thought I would ever say that about a highway, but it’s true!

Camel ride: I rode a camel for the first time ever. They were smelly walking up to them, but while riding I didn’t smell a thing. They are such gentle creatures.

ATV ride: I rode an ATV for the first time ever in the Negev desert. My cousin, Asif, took me for a wild ride with wheelies and tires fighting to stay on the ground. So cool! I love that when I was asked if I wanted to go on this ride, I didn’t even hesitate. I thought, hell yeah, Robin would do it, so YES! Had you asked me 2 years ago, I might have said no entirely!

Israelis are horny! They drive horribly, park terribly and honk at every chance they get. Fuck! Enough with the honking! Geez, and I thought Miami was bad…ha!

Favorite Sign in Israel: Go In Peace
Other favorite sign: Shalom Y’all

Languages spoken on this trip: not all of which I speak; French, Moroccan Arabic, Hebrew, and my made-fun-of Frenglish!

Quotes of the trip:
“Ofaqim” – a city in the Negev desert that when we got lost in that town, we used the city name as an expression of “Oh Fuck him/it!” It was used a lot.
“Sababah” – a Hebrew word taught to us by family. The meaning is for a variation of “it’s all good” or “no worries.” It can be used in any format. It started becoming similar to a “woosa” mantra for car #2.
“Il n’y a rien a dire” – a French phrase used by my uncle Prosper at least a dozen times a day. It means, “There is nothing else to say about it.” My uncle overused it so much, that I used it in opposite meaning, in sarcastic tones.
“Sleha” – In Hebrew, it means, “excuse me” but in Arabic the word sounds like you are saying a bad word.
“Serenity Now!” – a quote I used a million times in silence. Thank you George Costanza’s dad.
“Toda Raba” – in Hebrew means Thank you!

I learned that high school drama never ends even in old age. Oy Vey! I hated high school and to think I have to live through it the rest of my life is dreadful. I wish people would just grow up so I don’t have to live through my high school years again. Ridunculous!

11:11 was everywhere on this trip. At first, I was able to keep track of the few instances I encountered 11:11, but by the end of the trip I couldn’t keep up even in my journal. Robin was with me on this trip. He was not just on my mind and in my heart; he was literally there with me in spirit. It was crazy good!

My nickname on this trip: Trucker! My cousin Annie kept calling me a trucker. I’m sure you can imagine why…I curse a lot…shocker! I curse in public places, in private places, in holy places, and in front of anyone with no shame…maybe a little shame, but only cause of the reactions I see. Cursing is a release! It’s like screaming on the top of your lungs! If I could scream instead of curse, I would! But I mean a scream like in the Garden State scene when they scream into the infinite abyss while standing on top of an old yellow caboose in the rain…yea, like that. Would I look crazier screaming or cursing?! I’d probably scream curse words anyway…

Weather: A freak of nature! Best time of the year for weather, that’s what we were told. There’s no rain and mild heat. NOT
“There are seldom any rainy days at all from May through September” it says in my travel book. It rained twice while I was there. And a major, Florida-summer like thunderstorm one night. Seriously?! “seldom any rainy days at all” my ass!
Also, add to the fact that it was COLD, like freezing Canada cold almost every night. I borrowed jackets and scarves and even a winter jacket one night. I mean seriously, isn’t it supposed to be Africa-hot?!

Holidays/Events:
Mother’s Day - Spent my first mother’s day without Mathew. It never felt like mother’s day that day anyway. I got to spend Mother’s day the day after I returned. I love being a mama! And being away from Mathew for 2 weeks was hard, but I do have to tell you we both handled it extremely well. Our love is healthy and loyal. We have nothing but confidence in each other’s love. Amazed!
Israel’s Independence Day – celebrated by hanging out at the beach with my cousin and eating the best falafel ever on the streets of Netanya
Nakba Protests - marks the anniversary of the founding of the state of Israel in 1948, a day many Palestinians call "nakba," meaning "catastrophe." Eight people were reported killed that day in separate incidents. And there I was in Israel hearing fighter jets, military helicopters, ambulances, and UN vans roaring by all day long. To say I was worried is an understatement!

Favorite worthwhile part of the trip: meeting family I didn’t even know existed. Rachel, Yaelle, Leah, Yaala, Avital, Bathen, Shimron, Livni, Menachem, Ruthy, Sylvia, Yaacov, and more! <3

Things I didn’t get to do: Plant a tree in my brother’s name!

Hebrew quote for my boyfriend: ani ledodi vedodi li = I am my beloved and my beloved is mine (Song of Songs-Psalm 6:3) <3

So this is just a fraction of what I experienced while in Israel. I have so much more to say about my trip to Israel, some too simple to include, some probably forgotten, and some intentionally left out for the greater good. Got questions? Ask!

Here are just a few of my favorite pictures…Trying picking 3 out of 938 photos taken.

(click to enlarge)

(my cute camel taking me for a ride)

(love my new found family in Israel)

(overlooking the yehuda desert and dead sea with Jordan in sight)

i feel you

your pain

you writhe internally

absorbing your affliction alone

but it seeps through my bones

enduring the sharpness piercing me

i feel your pain

i feel you

your hurt

you agonize unanswered questions

sifting through the muck alone

but it strikes me to my core

bruising and battering me around

i feel your hurt

i feel you

your anger

you burn in fury privately

losing control and fighting with yourself

but it clenches my heart

pounding with frenzy

i feel your anger

i feel you

your grief

you ache in a constant state

a permanent void you fill with lonely gloom

but it amplifies my matching eternal hole

a space for the never-ending flow of tears

i feel your grief

i feel you

your joy

you radiate with delightful bliss

sharing your smiles and wonder

and it penetrates my heart

glowing and floating with you on cloud 9

i feel your joy

i feel you

your fortune

you say you hit the jackpot

appreciating and savoring your treasure

and it feels so perfect

you are perfect for me

i feel your fortune

i feel you

your life

you live life to the fullest

grateful and giving; caring and unselfish

and it complements my life completely

our souls are one in the same

i feel your life

i feel you

your love

you love with intensity and devotion

enchanted with a magical mystery

and it consumes me whole; spellbound

i love you with all my heart and soul

i feel your love

i feel you

i am your friend

and i feel you

i am your companion

and i feel you

i am your lover

and i feel you

i am you

i feel you

i love you

~sol

i have morbid thoughts

I have morbid thoughts

always have

they sweep through my mind

and take residence

they consume every part of me

evicting me from my own mind

with motherhood, my morbid thoughts multiplied

my mind, a breeding ground

producing constant fear and worry

lack of control

luring tears and shaking fits

it is a wonder, i survive

with age and lessons learned, I still have morbid thoughts

fleeting though

moving in only on temporary notice

barely noticeable

as i breathe

as i meditate

serenity, courage, wisdom

the morbid thoughts crawling away on all fours

except....

in the last couple days, i continue to have morbid thoughts

dwelling in my mind

strengthening in my weakness

my biggest fear of leaving my son motherless

in a selfish act of traveling alone

anxiety, stress, dread

breathing, meditating

a facade that my morbid thoughts see right through

they've invaded completely

a horrifying world of morbid thoughts

with courage, i'm fighting

with determination, i'm winning

to manage these thoughts

and expel them from my mind

I demand to feel excitement for my journey to Israel

so i say to my morbid thoughts,

tonight you die!

(is it okay to think morbid thoughts about my morbid thoughts?)

~sol

some quotes:
...worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.
...for peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe.
...troubles are a lot like people - they grow bigger if you nurse them.

I Love You, Earth

I firmly believe that earth, mother nature, you, me, us, we are all connected

connected by an inexplicable, unscientifically proven energy

an energy that drives us, that connects us

whether we can feel it or not

it's there and this is my god

I feel so deeply and spiritually connected to this energy, this earth

don't you?

sunsets move me. they take my breath away. each sunset unique like a thumbprint in the sky. no crayon in the box can match the fusion of colors. the layers in the sky evoke a sense of serenity. the sun rays last beams of the day sound like angels singing hallelujah. it's so heavenly.

sunrises are so graceful. they find there way in your heart. like a sunset, also incomparable to the one before. the peaking rays arise a feeling of hope. a new day has begun in the most extraordinary way. amazing.

trees touch my heart. they fill my heart with joy. trees with leaves. trees with flowers. trees with fruit. bare trees. colored trunks. trees. trees. trees. i love trees. i can see them move to music like a ballet dancer. an elegant beauty. each tree has a story. it's empowering.

the ocean humbles me. the vastness calms my spirits. the unknown mysteries below captivate me. creatures yet to be discovered. menacing and ominous, yet brotherly and inviting. the waves working in rhythm, crashing in crescendo. the tempo ever-changing. like a never-ending classical music piece. breathtaking.

lightning strikes me in awe. it's beauty fleeting and so unexpected. a vivid charge of light streaking through the night sky. I see blues, purples, pinks and whites combined to make an electric spark. enthralled with sounds of thunder close behind. exhilarating.

clearly I can go on and describe everything i love about mother earth; like the glorious mountains, the feel of the wind on my face, the blue skies and clouds, the ominous evening black drop, the endless amount of stars, the animals and creatures that roam along side us, cascading waterfalls, lakes, volcanoes, and wow, so much more. I'm even riveted by her magnificent power during her ugliest hour. I'm not a hippie, tree-hugger, granola, or whatever you may perceive. I just love earth. not just beacuse it's my home. but more because it's part of me, you, us...

do you hear it?

do you see it?

can you feel it?

am I the only one?

I am blessed to feel so connected to mother earth. I can see, hear, and feel mother earth and the messages the world sends me. I only hope I can pass this kindred connection to my son.

I love you, Earth!

Thank you!

dare to live in absolute vulnerability

vulnerable
[vuhl-ner-uh-buhl]
–adjective
1. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon: a vulnerable part of the body.
2. open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.: an argument vulnerable to refutation; He is vulnerable to bribery.
3. (of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend: a vulnerable bridge.

I say, dare to live in absolute vulnerability.

By definition, the word 'vulnerable' gives off a pungent odor of weakness and frailty. Why in the hell would we want to open ourselves up for pain or hurt? What a tricky game you play, Mr. Vulnerability?! On one hand, you smell of fear; a world of potential hurt and pain. On the other hand, you smell of free-spirit; a world of risks, adventure and living life to the fullest. Mr. Vulnerability, why do you play so unfair?!

It seems that we learn at a very young age to protect our hearts from pain and hurt. We build a security system around our hearts after being made fun of for being different, after asking a question and being laughed at, after falling in love and getting our hearts broken. Our security walls build higher the stronger we let our insecurities grow. And over time, it's easy to lose ourselves in these walls, living in safety and without hurt. We become complacent in a squared-shaped world with boring beige colored walls.

"I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive." To live in absolute vulnerability is; to be exposed without any shields, to open your heart to let love in, to risk failure at the expense of greatness. To live in a world with no walls is to believe in yourself in spite of your differences or broken hearts. It is in a life of vulnerability, you will find strength and courage to dream, achieve, live happily, and to love all the way.

So I say, bring it on Mr. Vulnerability. I welcome you into my world. I welcome even the hurt you may bring into my world. I will take a chance for you to see me, the real me, all of me. 'Cause in the end, I want to live life to the fullest, in the now! And if I should fail, it will not be wasted, for I shall never lose myself again in those safely guarded beige walls.

"Only a person who risks is free"

I am free.

love is stronger than death

so here i am, at the end of an emotional day
endless supplies of tears and memories
and still feeling after all this time...
alone

my writings are part of my coping mechanism
a temporary mode of catharsis
as expressive as i am
as open as i am
as many tears as i've shed
i sometimes feel just as repressed as the next angst-riddled teen

it scares me to realize that even faced head on
somewhere unbeknownst to me,
there still lies anger, regret, hurt, pain, and deep sorrow
secretly bottled up in the darkest corners of my insides
always ready to boil over
always sitting over the edge
a heart forever broken
a void that can never be filled

i'll always have this feeling, this story, this missing piece in me
that I will carry for the rest of my life
some may understand, some may even empathize
but i realize now that grief can't be shared
you carry it alone
your burden in your own way

a feeling, a story, a missing piece
a responsibility I'm proud to carry
even if i carry it alone
cause in the end
love is stronger than death

~sol

Robin, I'm drowning in tears here

I fucking miss you so!

Never stop sending me messages...

they give me hope!

till we meet again bro...

of such insignificant times

walking down the street

I smile at a complete stranger

and in that instant it occurs to me

i miss my brother's smile

and in that moment

memories flash me by

and a tear forms in my eye

my throat begins to tighten

and I carry on with my head held down low

my emotions run away

while my feet can barely move

feelings of guilt for living on

but smirking cause you'd want it no other way

wanting to call you

and wishing you were still here

missing our talks

missing your hugs

in the quickest of moments

of such insignificant times

I sometimes just breakdown and cry

I miss you so!

~sol

The Dalai Lama’s 18 Rules for Living

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

3. Follow the three Rs:

• Respect for self
• Respect for others
• Responsibility for all your actions

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone every day.

9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the earth.

16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Mathew Lines Again

It just keeps getting better...

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways Mathew tells me:

• You make me happy
• I don't want you to have anymore birthdays. I don't want you to get old.
• I'll eat you up, I love you so (some of you may know where that one comes from)
• Je t'aime beaucoup
• I love you more
• I love you most
• I love you shinier than the shiniest jewel
• You're very sweet mama, like a lollipop. lollipops are the sweetest, but I won't eat you up.
• You are the best mom of all moms. why? cause you're my mom
• You are the queen of all moms
• I have the biggest heart for you in the whole wide world
• I got everything I needed for my birthday
• I'm your husband, right?!
• I love you all the way to heaven and back

Other quotes from Mathew:

• ‎Mathew came home from school with at least a dozen drawings. When I asked him why do you have so many drawings, he said "because I'm an artist!"
• ‎Mathew asked the nurse if he's getting a shot. She said "don't think about it." Then I asked mathew if he knows what that means...he said "I AM going to get one"
• "It's the circle of life mama" Mathew says to me after we talked and cried over Bear going to heaven.
• Me: "Why are you crying Mathew?" Mathew: "I don't want you to be alone for xmas."
• Do you know what I want for christmas from your house? I just want love!
• you're killing me smalls (quote from "The Sandlot" movie)
• can your tummy make another baby

This is my fourth blog post of Mathew Lines.
Here are the first three;

1. Mathew Lines

2. Mathew Lines - Part Deux

3. Mathew Lines - Part tres

May I be blessed to have a lifetime supply of Mathew Lines!

my awful, beautiful life!

I realized tonight that it's time to stop blaming my ex for the current housing crisis, financial loss, and credit woes I've been struggling with. I must take ownership of my life, even the parts that seem to have been leftover from my marriage. I thought to myself "ugh, stop feeling so scorned, it's so pathetic! Even the fact it took me this long to come to this thought is pathetic. wake up!"

And I did just that, I woke up to write it all down. That's how I do. So I bolted out of my bed, ran downstairs and pulled out my macbook. Here I am, all revved up, writing at midnight when I'm usually lolly gagging in dream land. I've barely even started and I feel better already. (See Kelly, this is what I do.)

So the back story goes something like this: My ex and I purchased a pre-construction home at the peak of the housing market (as an investment). On moving day, my ex decides that our marriage is over. I struggled the first couple of years to keep and make that single family house a home for my son and I. Years later, I finally made it to that status of "financially comfortable." Mind you, that just means a lot less paycheck to paycheck. Then last year, after careful and long deliberations, I decided to sell my house. But you see, my house lost it's value. I lost the cash equity in my home, which was part of our divorce settlement. Then my equity line account was frozen due to the value of my home depreciating. And now I owe more than double the value of my home, not including the cash equity that is gone. So yeah, I blamed the ex for the shit storm I'm in. And yes, I resented him for now owning a 5-bedroom house at the now low market value. It was easy to blame him for the year's worth of drama I've been in over this house.

So here goes the long over due, don't know why I didn't think of this sooner epiphany: I made the choices that led me to where I am today. I chose to be with him, to marry him, buy that house with him. I chose to not sell it when we divorced. I chose to sell it now and suffer the consequences on my own. And just like I felt empowered to be a single mom owning a home and making it on her own, I should feel empowered too for making difficult decisions knowing the hardships we would go through, for the sake of my 2-person family's happiness. Now that's something to be proud of.

I don't know what I was thinking carrying all this divorced women's scorn around on the inside. Not good Nancy, not good at all. So even with the debt owed, bad credit, the way too high car lease payment, the downsizing and renting, and all the other non-ending negative factors that have come into my life, it is not longer due to my past marriage, but due to the choices I've made. I made it so and for good reasons. And if for nothing else, to build more character!

I love my life! and loving my life means taking the amazing with the awful, the awesome with the suck. and I choose to take it all. I and only I, made the choices that led me here today. and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I am so so thankful for this life, my life.

life is good

la vie est belle

May I be forever blessed with the awesome, sucky, amazing and awful things in my life.

I love this crazy, tragic,
Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautiful life!

i hate you

I want to scream.

I want to curse.

I want to punch you in the face.

I hate you more than I hated you yesterday.

and every day, I hate you even more.

this negative energy you bring into my life has to come to an end today.

and for as long as you're in my life,

you will not penetrate this wall of love that surrounds me.

my life is too awesome!

so FUCK YOU and have a nice day!

Life's Timeless Handbook

I received an email this morning with the subject header that says: "Fwd: 2011 Handbook." Firstly, I rarely bother to read anything that starts with Fwd. Secondly, it had graphic images that needed downloading. So I was about to delete it, when I noticed it was a list. Ooh, how I love lists. I started skimming the list and giving some credence to this email. It was simple, to the point, and spot on. But I thought why should this be a life's handbook for just 2011 only. So I altered the title, tailored the contents to 'my' likings, removed the part about forwarding it for luck, posting it on my blog, and voila:

"Life's Timeless Handbook" (in no particular order):

Health:

1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray or meditate.
6. Play more games outside.
7. Read more books.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for at least 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.
11. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
12. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
13. Laughter is the best medicine.

Mind:

1. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
2. What we think, we become.
3. Be truthful or be quiet. Lies are hard to keep track of.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
6. Dream more while you are awake. Dream big.
7. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
8. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
9. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
10. Take lots of pictures.
11. Don't wait. Time will never be just right.
12. Don't sweat the small stuff. It's all small stuff.
13. Move on. Let go. Always look forward.
14. Don't worry. Be happy.

Society:

1. Call your family often.
2. Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as you can.
3. Forgive everyone for everything.
4. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
5. It's okay to let your children see you cry.
6. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
7. Smile, it's contagious.
8. What other people think of you is none of your business.
9. It's okay to be different
10. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
11. Whenever you are confronted with an opponent. Conquer him with love.
12. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
13. In the end people won’t remember what you said or did, they will remember how you’d made them feel.

Spiritually:

1. Do the right thing!
2. Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.
3. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
4. Remember, everything happens for a reason.
5. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
6. Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely.
7. Seize the day and place not trust in tomorrow.
8. Be grateful. If the only prayer you said in your whole life was "thank you," that would suffice.
9. Practice compassion. If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.
10. Once you choose hope, anything is possible.
11. Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.
12. The love we give away is the only love we keep.
13. Be faithful to yourself.

What would you add to "Life's Timeless Handbook"?

...and no, you will not have bad luck for 7 years if you do not pass this on to 10 friends in the next 2 minutes.

the crap line of my life ends now gosh darn it

So as I promised last June in my blog called Mental Toughness, here is the crap line of my life.

Without being dramatic or seeking pity, here's the crap line of my life. Let's start with the BEST day of my life....

Oct. 4, 2005 -> best day of my life - Mathew is born
Jan, 2006 -> my husband of 6 years says he's not happy. Why? he says, "I don't know."
Jun, 2006 -> my husband leaves us and wants a divorce
Oct. 2006 -> the husband who walked out on his family finally has his son sleepover for the first time
Nov. 2006 -> I travel to Hawaii for some needed healing (without Mathew)
Nov. 2006 -> Grand epiphany - "I'm grateful that he left me"
Dec. 2006 -> I discover that the husband has a live-in girlfriend and he finally filed the divorce paperwork (interesting timing)
Feb. 2007 -> my dog, Harley, bites another dog, leading to that dog's death
Mar 2007 -> lost the animal court case, fined for animal biting
June 2007 -> the divorce is finalized, my name is back
Aug 2007 -> the ex-husband tells me his girlfriend is 5 months pregnant
Sept. 2007 -> I vacation to Spain (without Mathew)
Oct. 2007 -> I met a guy, and started falling in love
Nov 2007 -> the ex-husband marries his now 8 month pregnant girlfriend in the courthouse
Dec. 2007 -> my boyfriend moves in with us (i know, i know...it was quick)
Jun. 2008 -> got my first tattoo
Sep. 2008 -> my little brother, Philippe gets married
Sep. 2008 -> my boyfriend leaves us and doesn't look back
Sep. 2008 -> we find out my mother has cancer in her kidney
Nov. 4, 2008 -> my mom is cancer-free!
Jan. 2009 -> tried e-harmony. fail.
Feb. 2009 -> the ex-husband tells me he just bought a 5 bedroom house with a pool and asks to lower child support in the same conversation. Few days later, he asks me to stop communicating with his family
Feb. 2009 -> I have a new boss
Apr 2009 -> I make the hardest decision in my life. Harley is given up for adoption.
Aug 11, 2009 -> worst day of my life - my big brother, Robin passes away
Sept 2009 -> get my second tattoo in memory of my brother Robin
Nov 2009 -> the ex-husband tells me his wife is 8 months pregnant (only cause Mathew figured it out and told me)
Jan 2010 -> tried online dating again. fail.
Feb 2010 -> stopped paying my mortgage - I owe double the value of what my house is worth and want out of this past life.
Mar 2010 -> take Mathew to Canada to see snow
May 2010 -> get served, foreclosure lawsuit on my house (I have a short-sale contract pending)
May 2010 -> take week long vacation to Disney (mostly for me)
June 21, 2010 -> went sky diving for my brothers would be 40th birthday
August 2010 -> buyer for my short sale house withdraws contract
August 11, 2010 -> one year anniversary of my brother's death

Sept. 2010 -> work woes begin
Oct. 2010 -> Bear, our family dog passes away
Nov. 2010 -> Second buyer of my short sale declined meeting the Banks financial numbers.
Dec. 29, 2010 -> Third Buyer of my short sale house withdraws contract

Dec. 30, 2010 -> Visit the happiest place on Earth with Mathew (magic kingdom)

and now...
2011 -> the beginning of a new life line! =)