Friday, June 30, 2006

First Week Back

Today marks Mathew's first full week at day care. Today also marks my first full week back in the office since August. Wow! It's been that long. The week was not too bad for either of us. We are adjusting pretty quickly to "his" new and "my" old surroundings considering we have spent the last 9 months inseparable. I am overjoyed to see him grow up and become more crying on my part! But I do miss him.

By the end of this week, Mathew and I acquired a pretty nice schedule. Our morning starts by Mathew waking up around 6am, and follows with breastfeeding, changing diaper, walking the dog, I shower/get ready (while Mathew watches Baby Einstein), prepare lunch bag, feed him breakfast, change his clothes, and walk out the door. I visit him at the day care around 1-1:30pm for a breastfeeding. We play a bit and I go back to work. Pick him up at 5ish and off to the night time routine: walk the dog, play, dinner, bath time, breastfeeding, bed. And do that again the next day. Thank god for weekends!!!

So, about the daycare: Mathew started with a runny nose yesterday (to be expected). He loves to play and interact with the other kids. He waves and smiles when I say bye-bye, although a couple of times he cried. He started off not eating well, but that didn't last. He needs his food. He eats like a pig and doesn't refuse anything. They are working on his napping routine, which was even quite difficult for me. Overall, I think he loves it!

About my days back in the office: nothing new, keeping to myself, doing what I have to at work and leaving it behind when I go home, my priorities have obviously changed. No more political office BS, please! No more gossip! No more complaints! Just keep me out of it all, I don't want it. I just want to see my baby...I look forward in the morning to see him at lunch, then I look forward to picking him up.

The best part of this experience has been the HUGS and SMILES I get every time I see him. It brightens my day (I'm sure his too). I just love it, love it, love it! He recognizes me through the little window at the door, he speed crawls to me with the biggest SMILE ever, and gives me this bear HUG that I can't get out of (nor do I want to). He's awesome!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.

Thursday, June 29, 2006


I just read this and wanted to share:

1. Recognize that whether by master stroke or pure chance, there is great intelligence in the universe.
Fact: A single human cell measuring 1/1,000 of an inch across contains instructions within its DNA that would fill 1,000 books of 600 pages each (Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now)

2. Minimize resistance.
Nothing on earth can overcome an absolutely non-resistant person. Florence Shinn

3. Spend time in nature.
Genius learns from nature.- Oscar Wilde

4. Be patient with your struggles and challenges.
Infinite patience yields immediate results. Wayne Dyer

5. Free the mind from daily routines.
Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery. None but ourselves can free the mind. Bob Marley

6. Smile, everything is evolving just as it should.
Sometimes joy is the source of your smile but sometimes a smile is the source of your joy. Thich Nhat Han

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I noticed recently this strong urge to plunge into MORE books! I always take a book with me everywhere I go. You just never know when you will have a moment to read the next chapter. In my case lately, I read when Mathew falls asleep in the car, (after I parked of Lately, I just can't read fast enough. I have a list of books waiting for me. I can't wait to read them all. The anticipation of the ending of my current book and the craving to start the next book are exhilarating me.

Monday, June 26, 2006

He's Back!

Phone rings and to my surprise its my husband. I gave him a speech, not to change his mind as much as just to let it all out. Hours after my rant, he called me back. He wants to come back home and work on our marriage.

Don't come back out of guilt or obligation. Don't come back so you can say you tried just to leave later with no guilt. It will be hard work, but we can make it if we try,just the two of us. Who sings that song anyway? "Building castles in the sky...just the two of us, we can make it if we try..."

With empty promises in the past, only time will tell. I am remaining optimistic but airing on the side of caution.

So he's back, we shall see.

On another note, Mathew's first day at day care was great. The teacher's said he had a great time. He did fuss a little bit, but they said it was normal for a rookie. He definitely missed me. When I came by to visit around 1pm, he quickly scampered to me and gave me a hug and would not let go. It was the best HUG in the world. He did it again when I came back at 5pm. It was so sweet. It melted my heart, my little prince charming!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
We all have a childhood dream that when there is love, everything goes like silk, but the reality is that marriage requires a lot of compromise.
More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Emotional Day

I am all talked out. I am pooped. I am drained. I am tired, tired emotionally. And it's just the beginning.

Today, my husband moved to a friend's house. Yes, it's really happening. Crazy, huh? Being alone at home has not hit me yet. I don't feel the pain of being alone yet. Maybe I'm just numb!

I will be moving into the new townhouse sans husband. We got the keys finally, so now whenever I find the time to pack, I can move. I'm starting back in the office full time tomorrow. At night, I don't really feel like packing. On the weekends, I don't feel like staying in the house. So, maybe I need to take a day off from work, but still drop Mathew off at day care. My goal is to move into the new townhouse as soon as possible, but definitely by mid-July.

Big day tomorrow for Mathew- 1st day at daycare. While packing his stuff tonight, I realized how much I'm going to miss him. I'm going to miss his feedings, naps, babbles, tears, smiles, laughs, skills. I'm going to miss it all. I wont be there to see his every move, to hear his giggle, to touch his silky hair, to smell his foul odors, it will be hard!!! I'll be late for work tomorrow, no doubt! I won't want to leave him.

Before I go, let me leave you with a reminder for myself:
Take things slowly, breathe, relax, and focus on the little things. Don't think too far ahead. Keep it simple, one day at a time. Take care of myself and Mathew. And don't forget to EAT, EAT, EAT!

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Is it really over?

I'm finally home, no more traveling for a while, please. I just got back from St. Pete's Beach. Michael had a police conference and I joined him. Mathew and I had a blast; morning strolls, feeding swans, swimming in the pool, playing on the beach shores, taking naps, visited the Florida Aquarium (in Tampa), and just spent the best quality time together. Mathew starts day care on Monday, so it was a perfect week for the two of us!

However, this trip was far from perfect for my husband and I. My life is turning upside down, and I am searching for ways to look up and smile. My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years, we have a 9 month old son, own a townhouse, have successful careers, are financially stable...all our goals and dreams have come true, but now my husband wants out. What is supposed to be the best time of our lives has been the most trying! I don't believe we have tried every (or any for that matter) avenue to save this marriage, but I cannot force someone to do things they don't want to. I've shed many tears and there is this hole in my heart now. I've been hanging on to this shred of hope that this has all been a bad dream, it just doesn't seem real. I kept telling myself this is not happening to me, it can't. We were this perfect couple, the couple everyone envied. He was my best friend! What went wrong? It didn't/doesn't make sense. But that shred of hope I hung onto drove me into sporadic bouts of misery and depression. It is time to see that there is no hope if only one person wants it. I can fight for this marriage but never win if I'm the only one fighting for it. I'm not giving up, I'm moving on, I'm facing "his" reality. I am strong. I am resilient. I will love again. Most of all I will be the best mom to my son, Mathew.

For most of you reading this, it will be the first you hear of my heartache. Im sorry I didn't share with you my deepest feelings. Maybe I was just afraid to admit what was really going on. After all these months of sorrow, I need my friends more than ever. Remind me that I will make it through this and will find the light at the end of the tunnel (how cliché, huh?).

My mind and heart needs to be reset. I had all these dreams of my family, our future dream home, retirement together, traveling in an RV cross country, going on a cruise to the Caribbean, growing old together, and every little detail you can imagine, it was all played out in my mind. I have to now erase it all and hit the reset button, start new dreams, new images, and new plans for my life. I will first start by taking one day at a time. I'll build the rest later.

Before I go catch some Z's, let me leave you with my daily serenity prayer these days:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Back at Work!

I'm back at work today, which is actually nice. I'm not overloaded thanks to my wonderful assistant, Michelle. She makes going on vacation worry free. I'm sure most of you can relate to my old feelings on going away for vacation: I probably shouldn't go for too long, since work will just pile up anyway. Or I might miss something important. Or I cant miss any meetings. Or I feel bad. Bleh!

Luckily, I don't feel like that anymore!!! My assistant can keep me up to date while I'm away and I have no fear of job security. She gets major kudos!

So now when I get back, I can talk about my trip, show off pictures (not ready yet though), and get filled in on the office gossip. Today was an easy day back. Thanks Michelle!!! And sorry again for leaving you next week too! Have to use my vacation time by July 1 or I lose it.

Before I go finish up my work day, let me leave you with this:
Incompetence is one of my least favorite traits if not THE worst!

We had our closing today on the townhouse that we are moving into. The people we were dealing with at closing were incompetent to say the least. Got there for an 11am appt. (there is Miami Lakes by the way)waited until 11:45 to be seen and to find out that the settlement statement is WRONG. So off to lunch to buy them time to fix it Back at 12:45and we are not seen until 1:30pm finally signing away with my eyes closed we left by 2pm. ARGH!!!!! AND we don't even have the Damn keys yet!!!!

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Home Sweet Home

Last blog from Boston. We head home tomorrow morning. I get to sleep in my own bed, with my own pillows. And shower with all my toiletries...all of them (not just the travel sizes). I get to pick out my outfit from my whole wardrobe, not just my luggage. I can wake up and go wherever and whenever I want with my own car. I can play my CD's. I can listen to XM radio! I can watch TV. YAY!!! TV! I didn't realize how much I miss my TV until right now. I have TiVo, so lots of catching up to do. I can talk to my friends on the phone. I will go back to taking my long walks with Harley (our poochie) and Mathew. I miss my walks. I miss Saturday mornings with Mathew at school. I get to eat in. All these nights of eating out and all I want to do now is eat a nice home cooked meal (at home).

I am such a home-body...I love home sweet home!

Before I go to pack, let me leave you with this:
I had rather be on my farm than be emperor of the world. ~George Washington. I couldn't agree more!

Wednesday, June 7, 2006

Typical Boston Day

Today is a typical Boston day that I have come to know, but definitely not love:

Grey, rainy, cold, windy...
Boring, quiet, dull...
Traffic, rocky roads, construction...

My arthritis is acting up...knees, ankles/toes, hips/back, wrist/ sucks!!!!

Went into town yesterday (Boston that is - the parents live in Bridgewater, which is about 20 minutes - no traffic- away from the city) Yesterday was probably our last nice day here. Faneuil Hall, Quincy Market, North End, Harbor walk, New England Aquarium, all still look familiar...I love the city and the history that goes with's beautiful. Only one problem I see - Express, Gap, and company have moved in...slowly all the mom and pop shops are being bought out by big chain stores. Don't get me wrong I like shopping at these stores just like anyone else, but at the MALL...not a historic or vacation spot. Duval street in Key West is also being destroyed by these places. Newport, Rhode Island too! I'm sure it's happening everywhere...I think it's sad that they can just come in and ruin a small town, a vacation spot, a historic area...I boycott shopping at the stores in those locations! I know it doesn't do much, but that's my way of sticking it to them...LOL!

For those of you familiar with the Big Dig, it's still going on - GEEZ ...a ten year project for the city that is now going on 20 years...yikes!

Today is Wednesday, spaghetti night!

So before I go to join the family for their Wednesday night tradition, let me leave you with this:
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult. - Charlotte Whitton

Monday, June 5, 2006

Food for Thought

I'm back!

The drive through New Hampshire and Vermont was spectacular. Mother nature is so beautiful and amazing. It leaves me thinking with so many questions and thoughts. When I drove (hubby and baby asleep in back) my eyes and mind kept wandering...

- The mountains were just waves and waves of green trees. For those of you that don't know, I love trees!!! Trees with flowers, trees with just leaves, even bare trees and burnt trees. I write about them, draw them, and as you've read in previous blogs, they are part of my happy place and my rest in peace place. So you can imagine I was in heaven on this scenic drive...trees for miles...I never saw so many trees at once. I wondered what was underneath all those trees. I must of skipped geography class. What are mountains made of? Granite rock? Dirt? Is it just trees? If you mowed down all the trees what would be left? Would the massive shape of the mountain still be there or would it be half the size? Wouldn't be cool if an artist gave all the trees a haircut and re-shaped the mountain to look like something else? Like spiky hair or mohawks! The curves of the mountains were so natural and real, like a womans healthy was amazing how all the trees were exactly the same height at all the right places. I did see a few taller ones that stood out...they like to be noticed I guess. The fall must be the best time of the year to drive this route. How do these trees survive with no maintenance and no care? They survive the harsh winters and still manage to bloom millions of leaves, so much so, that the the surface of the mountain is unseen.

- The clouds were touching the mountains, I wonder if I was up at the top of the mountain would I be able to feel the clouds (probably something I missed in science class). What would it feel like, cotton candy?

-I would see in the median of the highway patches of wildflower...purple, pink and white...they were so beautiful as if someone intentionally planted them...How did they get there? Again another lesson in science class...Something about pollenation right? Anyway, it was weird because they were just scattered tiny patches here and there, but so pretty! Most people couldn't keep them in their own yards.

- Road signs you wouldn't see in Florida: -Moose Crossing - Bear Crossing - Deer Crossing -Falling Rocks (yes watch out for falling rocks - I guess you are supposed to be able to weave in and about during falling rocks! - no rocks falling when I drove - whew!) And Something about low salt (having to do with the snowy times)....oh and also - Bridge freezes first before road (or something like that).

-The highway (route 89 South) was long! I tried using cruise control, but forget about it! It goes up and up, then down and down, all the meanwhile curving round and round. Was the highway built all at once? How long did it take to build? They had to cut through the mountains to build this highway...that is very hard to imagine for me. I mean the highway was like driving a mountain had valleys and ears were even popping during the ups and downs. How come there are no mountains in Florida? They have them in California? One day, Mathew will answer a lot of these science questions for me when he starts school...ha!

-Border crossing - How is the whole border protected? Whats to say that someone cant walk across the border (either way) by foot through the mountains? Do they have a fence along the whole border (impossible!)? Video cameras (impossible)? I mean really the whole border cannot be protected. When we crossed the border, to our right and to our left were huge forest mountains...desperation can make that trek - no problem. How is the government going to enforce stricter border policies, if someone doesn't have to drive to cross the border? How is the U.S. going to be protected by terrorists? How are we supposed to feel safe? I'm sure you have all heard about the Toronto terrorist plot. Good job by the Canadian officials who stopped their plans. Which leaves me with this question: why the hell is Bush worrying about constitutional amendments regarding same sex marriage and not about terrorists, war in Iraq, gas prices, and our economy?

So besides the amazing views of Mother Nature, Montreal was great! I got to see family I probably haven't seen for over 10 years! Crazy! Cousins I wouldn't even have recognized if they walked by me in the street. I hope to go back in August for one of my cousins wedding. If Mathew is walking by then, she might make him the ring bearer or cute would that be?

Montreal was tough on Mathew...he didn't sleep well at all! Which means Michael was grumpy. Daddy needs his sleep or else!!!! Anyway, so that was hard, real hard! We didn't get to enjoy Saturday that much either because it was rainy, grey and cold (like Boston).

Before I go eat dessert, let me leave you with this other thought I had on our drive:
How did red barns get started? Who decided to make red barns the national symbol for all farm barns? When we say barn, we think of a red bard with white trimmings...why?

P.S. This long blog should make up for the days missed. Hope you enjoyed it!

Thursday, June 1, 2006

Day 3 & 4

Went shopping on Day 3 at the Wrentham Outlet Mall.

Today Mathew and I hung out with my friend, Sue.

Leaving for Montreal tomorrow...yippy!
(but won't have computer access)

Before I go, let me leave you with some Mathew updates:
He is now eating table food, such as meatloaf, grill cheese sandwich, mashed potates, mac-n-cheese, meatballs, french fries...he basically eats it all!
He is also now walking with one of those push carts. That started yesterday. He'll be walking in no time.


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