confession of a mother

on mother's day 2014, i'd like to make a confession. here it goes.
i hate mother's day.
there i said it.

yes, i'm a mother of an 8 year old boy and a step mother to 7 and 10 year old boys.

i don't want only this day to tell me i'm the best mom.
i don't want flowers or gifts because the calendar tells you to buy it for me.
i don't need the pressure of having to do the same for all the mother's i know.
i can't go to my favorite restaurant anyway, it's a two hour wait.
i have to spend my day celebrating motherhood, without my two step sons.
i have to share this day with my mother and mother-in-law (no offense moms).

so why is this day so special? it just isn't. and it shouldn't be.

maybe i'm just lucky to have a family that shares their love and appreciation regularly.
maybe i'm just throwing a pity party for a day that i know will not be my own.
maybe it's the disappointments from the years long ago.
maybe it just pisses me off how it's another business holiday, not filled with true sentiments.

either way, i would prefer if this holiday just didn't exist.

i want everyday to feel like i'm a great mom,
because i'm a mom everyday for the rest of my life.
i want to feel like a great mom even on days i suck at it. those are the days i need it most.
i want drawings and flowers on random days. this is so much more specialer.
i want hugs everyday. period.
LUCKY ME, i do.
i am the luckiest mom in the world.


so to all the mother's out there:
happy mother's day, everyday but this one!
you are more special than just on today.

of such insignificant times

walking down the street

I smile at a complete stranger

and in that instant it occurs to me

i miss my brother's smile

and in that moment

memories flash me by

and a tear forms in my eye

my throat begins to tighten

and I carry on with my head held down low

my emotions run away

while my feet can barely move

feelings of guilt for living on

but smirking cause you'd want it no other way

wanting to call you

and wishing you were still here

missing our talks

missing your hugs

in the quickest of moments

of such insignificant times

I sometimes just breakdown and cry

I miss you so!

~sol

My son amazes me!

My son amazes me!

Here's a little story, I'd like to document for my memory bank (one of the real reasons I blog).

Mondays are 'show and tell' days at school. Mathew loves this day. He gets to show off his favorite toys, stuffed animals, books, and such. Yesterday morning, he asked me "is it 'show and tell' day?" And before I can even get the word "yes" out of my mouth, he got all excited and ran upstairs. He came back down with his little red photo album. This album is photos of him and his Uncle Robin (about 40 plus pictures). I made this for him about a month after Robin passed away. I had a fear that he would forget who his Uncle Robin was (this fear is long gone now). I have found this album tucked up next to him at night while he is sleeping, moved in different locations, and left open many different times. He evidently views this album frequently, to my surprise. He talks about Robin, tells me he dreams of Robin, or that he imagines Robin sitting next to him. He does get sad at times and cries when missing Robin, but for the most part he expresses his thoughts of Robin in a positive way, as I try to role model that same positive behavior.

I just realized that I have to give you a back story (didn't blog about it - strange?!) before I carry on with today's story. On thanksgiving day of 2009, I took Mathew for the the first time to the cemetery to visit Robin. I was hoping to wait for the ability to go to the cemetery without crying, but I realized that idea is futile. But I didn't want to wait too long before taking him to visit either. I remember that it was a spontaneous last minute idea to go to the cemetery (maybe more for me) on our way down to my parents house for thanksgiving dinner. Mathew and I have still been sending balloons for Robin on the holidays and for 'just because' reasons, (which reminds me I need to buy eco-friendly balloons). So I thought, we would send the balloon from the cemetery this time, foolishly not aware of the possible reactions. On the way, I tried to prepare my son (again not fully envisioning or preparing myself for this "talk"). I totally winged it (oops)! I started with my first mistake, I told my son "we are on our way to see Robin." Idiot! Now he thinks we're actually going to see him. Smarty pants Mathew asks "are we going to heaven?" Great idea! Wouldn't that be an amazing trip!? So naturally, I had to clarify that we weren't actually going to see him, but that we were going to visit his "body" in a cemetery. This led to questions about the cemetery and discussion of appropriate behavior at the cemetery. I told him that many families have loved ones buried here and that we have to respect the cemetery and others, use our inside voices (even though we are outside), and walk only on the paved walkways, etc, etc. He asked many appropriate questions that I was proud to respond to. Then as I described to him that Robin was buried underground, I realize my next mistake. I literally smacked my hand on my forehead as soon as that came out of my mouth. I've been telling him Robin is up in heaven and now I'm saying he's buried underground. So before another smarty pants question could come out. I tried to explain the difference, that his body is underground in a box (coffin) and the his soul is up in heaven. Okay, no confusion there. Then he asked more about this box thing and why we bury people in a box. I did the best I could, talking about being buried with the dirt and how our body goes back into earth. I couldn't believe I was having this discussion with my four year old son, and who seemed to be clearly grasping this all (in his own way). Another back story, I didn't mention in my blogs, is about vultures. Mathew and I witnessed huge vultures eating a dead bird by our house many months before Robin even passed away. So I used that opportunity to give him a lesson on vultures; what kid of birds they are, where you can find them, what they eat, etc. Smarty pants Mathew asked me one time if vultures were going to eat Robin (knowing that vultures eat dead things). So, on our car ride to the cemetery, we were able to tie in the discussion of being buried underground where the vultures won't get to him and the cemetery. This car ride contained the most intellectual conversation about death, cemeteries, and heaven with my four-year old son. It didn't start there, nor did it end there. I still get questions and comments randomly. Like yesterday, he asked me "how do you talk if you're in heaven?" It is obvious he is thinking and processing this complex idea in his deep and thoughtful 4 year old head of his. Every story, every experience, every moment is magnificently absorbed by my son with such understanding and comprehension. I am truly amazed! Not to mention that me having to be so matter-of fact with my son about death has helped me cope with my brother's loss more than I can fully appreciate. The bluntness of my words I have to use for it to make sense to my son don't feel as sharp as they once did. They don't pain me to speak of the truth, the facts, what us adults usually have a hard time dealing with. I thank my son for helping ME deal with the truth, to smile and think positively about Robin. Back at the cemetery, I kept it brief. I showed him Robin's name on the makeshift sign (for now). We have to wait for the one year anniversary to put up the "headstone". I showed him what others looked like. We had a little talk about that. Yes, I cried a little hoping to mask it behind my huge sunglasses. There is no hiding my emotions from my son. He asks me why I was crying and I simply stated that I miss Robin. He told me that it would be okay and hugged me. I love his hugs, they cure all my grief! On our way out, we stopped by my aunt's plot. I told him that he never met her, but that she was a beautiful, loving aunt and is up in heaven with Robin. She is Mimi's sister and Mumu's (Muriel's) mom. We left a rock on her headstone and left to Mimi and Papa's house. The next day he wanted to send a balloon to heaven for Tata Lilianne and Robin! He has such a compassionate soul and huge heart...he's amazing (and I KNOW I'm biased)!

Okay, so back to today's story...let's see where did I leave off. Oh, Show and Tell Monday!

Mathew brings in his photo album of his Uncle Robin on Monday. This morning, when I drop him off, I asked the teacher how 'show and tell' went yesterday, since I was a little worried he may be too blunt with his words in front of the other children. I can tell she was worried too, but she said it ended up being just fine (sorta short and sweet). He didn't get sad, he just talked candidly about his Uncle Robin, showed his picture and said that he was in heaven. She told me that he has been drawing Uncle Robin several times now. She saved me the one he drew yesterday (and told me I will find others like this in his 'daybook'). The drawing I received this morning, was of Robin in a "box" in the cemetery. It wasn't a detailed drawing, it wasn't negative, dark, or gloomy, it was simple and matter-of-fact, like our conversations. That's why the teacher asked me if I took him to the cemetery. It was just that one time a couple months ago. Amazing! The teacher told me that this was healthy, he is expressing and processing his thoughts in a positive way. She tells me that he is so smart and maturely advanced for his age. He's doing just fine.

As I walked back to my car, drawing in hand, my heart broke into a little million pieces for Mathew. It's not right for a four year old to have to cope and learn about this. My heart hurts thinking that Robin is not here watching him grow, guiding him through "mental toughness" lessons, laughing, playing, sharing, hugging, and talking with him. It hurts to see Mathew hurting and missing Robin. All these thoughts came flooding in on this short walk, and as I sat in my car the flood of tears came pouring out (as I'm doing now).

Every story, every moment, every experience magnificently absorbed by Mathew with such understanding and comprehension. I am amazed! I am so proud of my son, especially in these emotionally, somber moments!

We ❤ you, Robin! and if it isn't obvious enough, we miss you tremendously!!! You are always, always with us in our thoughts, our dreams, and especially in our hearts.

❤ Forever Together ❤

Mathew Lines - Part Deux

I've written a blog before with a list of Mathew Lines. The difference now is that these phrases/lines are his own concoctions, derived from shows, school, people, and placed in a unique and proper context. I like to say my child is brilliant...but I know, I'm biased! So here are some more of my favorite Mathew lines from the last few months:

i don't like ugly things; i like pretty things, like you!
you can be my girlfriend and I will be your boyfriend
you're the bestest mom I ever had
i want to take care of things with you
i want to take care of you
you make my heart happy
i missed you so much
i was dreaming about you last night
so, how was your day today?
You are the bestest mom I ever had
i love you to the moon and back
i love you to infinity and beyond
i love you more
i love your hair
I like your skirt (he compliments my outfits, earrings, and more)
i need another hug
i need some more huggins (combination of luvin and hugs)
Mama, I love you

can it really get any better than this?

~sol

Mathew's Angel

While picking Mathew up from school after seven long sad days, I assumed he forgot about our last hour together on Tuesday, August 11th. I was wrong.

Our last hour together was bothersome for both of us. Mathew was napping when I got the call that woke him up to the sounds of my disbelief. I can't imagine what he was thinking or feeling in this moment. He was immediately concerned with me and gave me some "luvin!" When he asked what was wrong, the only thing I could tell him (without thought or planning) was that Robin was "hurt." And after some tears, hugs, and pacing, I told him that I needed to go see Robin and take care of some things. "But I want to take care of things with you," he would say. Or "Mama, do you need some juice?" You can see he wanted to take care of me. When his father came to pick him up, he did not want to leave me, nor did I want him to. He is my main source of light, energy, and happiness. It was a difficult hour between the two of us, to say the least. After he left with his dad, I rushed down to Miami...

* 7 days later*

Heading home after sitting shiva, I didn't really know what to expect from Mathew. His dad said that he missed me and asked for me a lot. I didn't know if he remembered much of what happened on Tuesday or not. When I did see him, he was purely happy to see me. He talked to me about school (I missed his first day of school on Monday), his new friends and teachers, and so forth. And when the excitement passed, he calmly asked if Robin was still hurt. Taken by surprise, I explained to him simply that Robin passed away.

*Yesterday*

By now, we have talked about Robin on several different occasions. And I've delved into it a little deeper. He asked to make a card for Robin last night (which made me think he really didn't understand). I've purchased a few books for him, which he is not ready to explore. I tried a couple times to read them to him...and he's just not ready. I figured he doesn't understand. Again, I was wrong. He just understands in his own way.

*Today*

This morning he says to me:
"Can we pick up Harley and Robin and bring them to Mimi and Papa's house?"

Mathew's understanding of death is of course minimal. His closest experience is losing our dog Harley, and we got to say good-bye and take pictures before we gave him up for adoption. This is quite a different experience, but nonetheless, I do believe he understands (again in his own way). I believe Mathew understands that he is gone and that we won't see him again, he just doesn't understand what gone is or why. As time passes, he will learn and grow with this experience. And I will keep Robin's memories alive forever.

For me, Robin is Mathew's angel now. I don't know if Jewish people believe in Guardian Angels, or even if I ever did, but I do now. Maybe this is just a way to give me comfort and peace or to keep his memory alive, I don't know. But I will constantly look to Robin for help, guidance and protection for Mathew. And I believe, that Robin will be watching over him, like a guardian angel.

Getting Up

Yesterday morning was the end of sitting shiva, which is called "getting up." It concluded early in the morning and was the hardest part of shiva for me. After morning temple services, we all met up at the cemetery. I arrived early and found myself slowing treading towards Robin. It was a hot day with a breeze coming from the east. The first thing I notice, when I stand at the bottom of Robin's gravesite, is that it is now covered in fresh, moist sod, not yet woven into the soils of earth. The next thing I notice is the vision of a cross defined by the space between the newly placed sod. Interesting. I was definitely solid at the moment, firmly grounded, able to speak calmly to new arrivals, and capable of not shedding a tear while seeing others' tears fall. After the few close friends and immediate family arrived, it was time to start the ceremony of prayers.

My parents, Philippe and I are positioned on the south side; the Rabbi on the west side (the bottom side), and all others completely around...supporting, praying, loving my brother Robin. During this short ceremony of prayers, I lost focus and battled my ability to stand firmly (figuratively). I tried to re-gain focus by escaping reality for a moment. I tuned out the Rabbi's voice and stared catatonicly at his feet. He was wearing a pair of worn out black loafers with a gold chain-like accent at the top. It had a loop and a twist in it. His black pants had cuffs and were just the right length for him. The left pant leg was laying over the golden accent on his left shoe. I couldn't tell you what shirt he was wearing, or if he was wearing a hat or sunglasses. I just looked at his feet. But when that stopped working and the nose started dripping, I focused up, higher up, as if to feel my brother's presence or to see a light of hope. The light blue sky was inviting to the eyes and the gliding white clouds were peaceful. The leaves on the trees were swaying and shimmying. The wind was soft on my skin. And again, I couldn't hold my focus. The sounds around me were too powerful to leave the physical reality of it all. And in the end, when the Rabbi said: use this time to ask Robin for forgiveness (for things we did/didn't do, said/didn't say) and to leave it buried with him...no one could retain their composure. This was the hardest moment for all of us. I internalized my regrets and wishes, my solid turned to mush. Shiva is over. Walking the path down the cemetery aisles, it hits me...the strongest feeling of loneliness ever. I am encountered by many hugs and the "I'm sorry's" and the "stay strong" clichés...and all I want to do is run, run far away and run alone...maybe just to cry...to cry the heaviest tears I've ever known. Instead I sulked like a child; half trying to hide, half looking like I was begging for someone's attention. While feeling horribly empty, I wanted to be alone yet wanted a hug. While feeling rage and envy, I still wanted to be alone yet I needed a shoulder. While feeling all that I was and wasn't feeling, I did and didn't want to be alone. Disoriented, emotional, overwhelmed, spaced out, scared, broken, hurt, pitiful, confused...inside my heart, I was alone. Shiva was over, it was now time to slowly emerge back into society...without my brother Robin. alone.

The sitting shiva experience was __________ (fill in any positive or negative adjective of your liking, it would apply). At this point, I am ready for the next step... I am ready to jump into the hectic world of my work. I am ready for some normalcy in my life. I am ready.

One thing though, I am left needing one good, sulky, lonely, heavy down pouring tears of pain. In the end, I discovered sitting shiva just deferred my grief and pain to a later unknown date. I will definitely revisit my brother and do this all over again someday soon, for myself...alone!

In the meantime, on to happy memories and happy thoughts...
back to reality...

Robin, I love you!
forever in my heart
xoxo



Before I go, let me make one thing clear:
NEVER EVER ask "How are you?" to someone who is mourning.
seriously ridiculous!

Mathew Moments

Okay so it's been a while since I've written a blog. Could be because I'm busting my ass at work and I come home to pass out by 9pm on my couch every night? Could also be that what I have to write about is not blog worthy? Or not meant for public? Could be because I've been spending my spare time on the phone lately? Or it could be because I have blogger's block? Either way, I'll try harder to keep with my blogging. Here are some latest Mathew moments I want to share:

He recently started to give me a kiss by pulling my face in with his hands on my cheek. The first time he did this just simply melted my heart. I had to ask him to do it again, which he did by the way. He will surely be a heartbreaker!

Last night, in his crib, I told him "I love you" he said "I love you too"…awwww…I know how freakin' cute!

When I sneeze, he says "bless you, mama!" and when I fake sneeze, he just fake sneezes back…and laughs hysterically.

He noticed my new pair of earrings and said "ooh-la-la" in this cute French accent…can this kid get any cuter?

When he hugs me, he adds this squeeze that I know comes from deep in his heart.

He no longer naps for me…at least not the official 2 hour naps that give me my own private time. Instead, we occasionally nap together on the couch for about an hour…if I'm lucky!

My latest proudest moment was when I had to take him to a lab to draw some blood. We waited for over an hour. He was such a well-behaved boy…I was surprised and utterly impressed! And to add to that, he didn't even cry when they pricked him with a needle. He sat there watching the lady wiggle the needle in his arm looking for his vein. Damn, my baby is freaking awesome!

The best part of my day, is the last 20 minutes before Mathew goes to sleep…the reading time, the hugs, squeezes, kisses, night nights, and I love yous…best moment of the day!

There are so many more little moments…I cherish them all! I believe life is all in the little moments. And I will definitely continue to share our little moments. One of my favorite little moments is when Mathew and I laugh! We tend to laugh a lot together. I love laughing…especially with Mathew. My favorite sound in the whole world is Mathew laughing!

A day without laughter is a day wasted.


Before I go, let me ask you this:
How come Pluto doesn't speak, but Goofy does?

Snickers

Yes, I surrendered to my chocolate desires again. I tried to hold out as long as possible, but I just couldn't make it past the day. I think I have some sorta chocolate something every day. It's a need, I'm just addicted!

Here is my snickers word of the day:

Substantialiscious ..sub-'stan(t)-shu-'li-shus.. (noun). The weight of something when you weigh it with your tongue.

Hmmmm…very interesting….

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I love hugs! I love people who give me big hugs! Mathew holds the unbeatable record of the BESTEST hugs ever! Look forward to my hug today. I can so use one right now…what a long, draining, hectic week. I'm ready for the weekend!

Homecoming

Our homecoming:

The hugs were not just hugs. They were warm and inviting. They were comforting and loving. They were right where we belong, in each other's arms.

The kisses were not just kisses. They were open mouth and funny. They were many and all over. They were perfectly fit, kiss to kiss.

The smiling was not just smiling. They were glowing and happy. They were sparkling and permanently fixed. They were so glad to be back home smiles.

The playing was not just playing. They were silly and giggly. They were rolling and swaying wrapped tight in each other. They were back were they belong.

The stares were not just stares. They were gazing in amazement. They were pride and joy. They were never leave me again, I want you by my side always.

The sleeping was not just sleeping. They were tossing and turning. They were up and about. They were wanting more of you and can I sleep with you tears?

The morning was not just morning. It was sunshine and happiness. It was tender and cuddly. It was a welcoming wake up call face to face.

Life is back to normal.
Life is good.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
Mathew wasn't too thrilled to go back to school. It was almost as if he forgot how much fun he has there. He did not want me to leave him. It melted my heart. After almost 30 minutes, I had to leave though. So we said our usual good-byes, the teacher picked him up, and I heard his cries all the way down the hall. And that's when my heart ached.

Happiness

What makes me happy?

First let's define happiness. According to Wikipedia, happiness is an emotional or affective state that is characterized by feelings of enjoyment and satisfaction. This suggests that happiness can derive from anything, anything that makes you feel enjoyment or satisfaction. Therefore the sources for happiness are endless, yet how come there are so many unhappy people.

I would say that we all strive for happiness in life. That is the driving force for living. Whether we strive to be rich, beautiful, famous, married, or successful, it's all for the sake of happiness. We all have different views and beliefs as to what we think will make us happy. Unfortunately, we allow external factors dictate our happiness. We accept other people's thoughts and opinions control our state of mind. Obviously, being happy is subjective. No one can define your happiness but yourself. I believe finding happiness is simple. Life itself equals happiness. We complicate our lives with ideas and fantasies of how it's supposed to be rather than enjoying what it is. Happiness is less about what you want and more about being happy with what you have (damn that was good, that should be a quote). Here's one I stole from Christian's myspace header: It is what it is…it cannot be more than that. Look around you, enjoy what it is. Choose to be happy! Life is good!

So for me, what makes me happy? I find my happiness from the little things in life. Oh and before I continue on my source of happiness, it goes without saying that Mathew and all details pertaining to him emanate an enormous amount of JOY in my life. His laughter, his smile, even his tantrums make me happy. I love to see him eat and fidget with his teeth. It makes me smile to see him play with Harley. His hugs and kisses, even his slaps on my chest make me smile. I can go on with endless accounts of how Mathew makes me happy. So for the sake of this blog, Mathew will be a given. So besides the love of my life, what makes me happy? My first response to my friend was "rainbows, puppies, and sunshine." And while that was a joke, it is true. lol.

So here are some of my resources for happiness (the little things in life)
(in no particular order and in no way a complete list):

Loving and being loved
Hugs
The Beach
Sunsets
Natural earthly beauties (waterfalls, lakes, birds singing, etc)
Cotton candy at amusement parks
Popcorn at the movie theater
Eating ice cream in the park
Playing in the rain with Harley (my dog)
The sound of children's laughter
The smell of vanilla
Baking
Good Wine
Savoring gourmet food
Roller coaster rides
Hockey games
Tailgating
Music
Dancing
Singing out loud
Reading a good book
My comfy down suede throw
Good conversation
Friends
Chocolate
Writing
Drawing
Trees
The Moon
Shopping (when I have $$$)
Working out
Long drives
Long walks
I'm pretty simple. I like most everything. I'm willing to discover, try, and experiment new things. I choose to be happy in life. That's not to say things don't make me sad, cry, depressed, or hurt, but my overall perspective in life is positive, hopeful, and happy! I'm the girl that makes lemonades when life hands her lemons.

So what makes you happy?

Before I go, let me leave you with a few quotes I just found about happiness:

We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. ~ Frederick Keonig

The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be. ~ Marcel Pagnol

Some pursue happiness - others create it. ~unknown

Happiness is not the absence of problems but the ability to deal with them. ~unknown

Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections. ~unknown

Hawaii = My Healing Place

The magical beauty of Hawaii that surrounded me awakened my senses and healing powers within. In the midst of tropical paradise, I discovered myself again; the new and single me (not the wife or ex-wife, not the mom, just ME). I delved into some areas in my life I have been afraid to visit, had no time to explore, and plainly just avoided. I was on this hellish emotional roller coaster ride in Hawaii. I hated the ride, but had to get on it. I somehow found the courage to get on this uncomfortable ride. Maybe it was the magical healing powers of Hawaii? Maybe I was just ready to get on with it? I broke down many times, with an array of emotions, and I discovered that it is all okay, I am okay. In a sense, I mourned the loss of my marriage. If you can compare my experience to the loss of a loved one, I went through the last phases of the grieving process, acceptance. Before I left for Hawaii, I don't think I accepted the finality of my marriage more than just with a verbal and physical agreement. I never "realized" my loss. I did while in Hawaii; I endured the pain of not having my best friend with me. I missed the love we shared. I suffered loneliness. I felt the sadness of missing out on the family I dreamed of. I smiled reminiscing at the memories we shared. I sincerely felt joy thinking of the "us" we had and the possible "friendship" that could form. I despise that feeling, but all the while strangely understand it as forward progression. I wondered and agonized over the question "why." I know I may never get an answer and I understand that. At times I felt depressed for what happened to me, and yet overcome with happiness! I know that in spite of all that he did in the end, it is okay to miss him. It is okay to mourn the loss of my marriage and feel hurt, pain, happiness, loneliness, suffering, sorrow...all of it. With time and head on collisions with my emotions, it will all pass. I now accept the loss fully. And I invite any and all emotions that come with this loss. It feels good to feel the hurt. Sounds weird, but it felt good to cry and hysterically lose it. Maybe I never entirely broke down before, maybe because I had no time, so many things to focus on and worry about. Or maybe I just wasn't ready? Being away in a tropical paradise with no worries, but my tan lines, I felt liberated to finally FEEL. And I feel now. And it sucks, but it feels good. I am feeling again. I feel the desire to love and be loved again. I have desires and new dreams. I have renewed hope and faith. I see rainbows and birds flying freely. I found me. I am ME.

I long for freedom and a deep commitment to others.
I long for solitude and intimacy.

Even though this vacation was more about the journey than the destination, I still enjoyed the destination.

- Got me some tan lines, while absorbing the sun rays and capturing the tranquil serenity of Napili Bay
- Snorkeled and saw me some sea turtles. Yay! Words that come to mind: Beautiful, rapid, earthly, fragile, graceful, and peaceful.
- Pearl Harbor - no words can describe, visit mandatory if you ever visit Hawaii
- Surfed. I loved it! I truly understand the addiction now (minus the rash burns and foot injury from the coral). Christian, when are you taking me surfing now?
- Drove down to Hana (east coast of Maui), waterfalls, black sand beaches, red sand beaches, small towns, scenic, and beautiful. If heaven had a highway, this road would be it.
- Sunsets…nothing to explain, simply gorgeous.
- The Banyan Tree – enormous, intricate, inviting. I enjoyed some reading time on a park bench under this tree.

Before I go, let me leave you with my welcome home greeting:
Coming down the escalator at the airport, I spotted Mathew in his stroller eating some snacks. When I got close enough, I called out his name "Mathew!" He looked up and spotted me and gave me this look of "OH! It's you! I wasn't expecting you!" And his eyes grew big and his legs started to kick. I quickly unbuckled him out of the stroller and picked him up. He gave me a big hug with his face planted in my neck. I lowered myself to the floor and put him down and he kept coming back for more hugs. "I love this kid," "This kid is awesome" I kept thinking to myself. And the hugs came to an abrupt stop when he spotted a girl his age with a ball. I'm glad to be back home!

First Week Back

Today marks Mathew's first full week at day care. Today also marks my first full week back in the office since August. Wow! It's been that long. The week was not too bad for either of us. We are adjusting pretty quickly to "his" new and "my" old surroundings considering we have spent the last 9 months inseparable. I am overjoyed to see him grow up and become more independent...no crying on my part! But I do miss him.

By the end of this week, Mathew and I acquired a pretty nice schedule. Our morning starts by Mathew waking up around 6am, and follows with breastfeeding, changing diaper, walking the dog, I shower/get ready (while Mathew watches Baby Einstein), prepare lunch bag, feed him breakfast, change his clothes, and walk out the door. I visit him at the day care around 1-1:30pm for a breastfeeding. We play a bit and I go back to work. Pick him up at 5ish and off to the night time routine: walk the dog, play, dinner, bath time, breastfeeding, bed. And do that again the next day. Thank god for weekends!!!

So, about the daycare: Mathew started with a runny nose yesterday (to be expected). He loves to play and interact with the other kids. He waves and smiles when I say bye-bye, although a couple of times he cried. He started off not eating well, but that didn't last. He needs his food. He eats like a pig and doesn't refuse anything. They are working on his napping routine, which was even quite difficult for me. Overall, I think he loves it!

About my days back in the office: nothing new, keeping to myself, doing what I have to at work and leaving it behind when I go home, my priorities have obviously changed. No more political office BS, please! No more gossip! No more complaints! Just keep me out of it all, I don't want it. I just want to see my baby...I look forward in the morning to see him at lunch, then I look forward to picking him up.

The best part of this experience has been the HUGS and SMILES I get every time I see him. It brightens my day (I'm sure his too). I just love it, love it, love it! He recognizes me through the little window at the door, he speed crawls to me with the biggest SMILE ever, and gives me this bear HUG that I can't get out of (nor do I want to). He's awesome!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.