10 years Have Gone By

I had an extremely emotional day this Sunday. It all started when my son’s best friend called to tell him she just lost her older brother. I couldn't stop crying all day, even during my Deep Yin class. I was a freaking hot mess. I couldn’t shake the sense of sadness that gripped me tight. See, I lost my brother 10 years ago, almost to the day (August 11, 2009). I don't usually carry so much sadness. This hit me so hard, it was so unexpected and unassuming.

But what I really wanted to share is how my brother sends me angelic signs and this time is no different. I remember about a month after he passed away, I was asking him to show me some signs that he is still here with me. Literally, I was talking to him out loud and the song ‘Calling All Angels’ by Train came on while I was driving. I belted that song so loud with tears running down my face. Coincidence, I think not. As crazy it may seem, I started seeing 11:11 everywhere. It became such a regular occurrence that my family stopped thinking I was crazy and believed in it too. Yesterday, in my time of need, I saw 11:11 twice and it only comes around twice a day. Then, I woke up in the middle of the night and my alarm clock said 1:11am. I went to sleep with a smile on my face. My son saw a rainbow on his way home from school yesterday (rainbows are signs too) and today he had a butterfly flutter on his face. It’s not your imagination, sometimes coincidence comes with a lot of angelic effort. .
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I am comforted to know that during my darkest times & celebratory times, I see his signs everywhere. Maybe my energy manifests these signs, or the Universe is conspiring to make them happen for me or maybe he’s just simply sending me signs. Either way, it doesn’t change the fact that I know he’s tranformed back into the Universe and is eternally connected with the Universe within me.

Robin,
Thank you for all your signs. I’m smiling now. You have reminded me of my attitude of gratitude and reconnected me with your soul. You know, I am living for both you and me. My adventures are always an extension of yours. Until we meet again big brother!
From my heart to your soul,
I love you and miss you so fucking much!

OMG! Amazing!

"oh my god, oh my god, oh my god" were the words coming out of my mouth right before I jumped out of a plane! Yes, I Nancy Sol, jumped out of a plane today. Of course, I was tied to an expert plane jumper, Carlos, who technically pushed me out of the plane. eh, minor detail.

This was my day to celebrate my brother's birthday, my brother's life. What better way than to repeat one of his actual birthday experiences he did for himself many years ago. What better way than to find a way to be closer to him in the heavens above. What better way than to be liberated, free, and flying!

This experience was exhilarating, scary, amazing, queasy, and emotional.

The adrenaline rush was nothing in comparison to the view.

I was in awe of the earth's horizon from this perspective

I was amazed with the view of the little world beneath me

Spectacular, breathtaking, and amazing!

The drizzle of cold rain hitting my face was so refreshing and totally cool

The everglades, marshland, and miles and miles of land were amazing. oh wait, I used that word already. Yes, amazing was all I could say all day about this adventure.

The most "amazing" part of this experience was Robin's message to me. I was hoping I would get one and I sure did. If you know me, you know I have this happy thing for rainbows. They can just turn my frown upside down, they lift my spirits, they're magical and beautiful and breathtaking every time. On my drive down to the place, I saw a rainbow, on the plane heading up I saw a rainbow, and most amazingly, on my decent down to earth I saw a special rainbow, Robin's message(s) to me. It was a rainbow halo; an enormous, rounded, no end, no pot of gold, full circular rainbow right beneath us. It was horizontal to the surface. It was NOT surrounded by a source of light (which is where you usually find rainbow halos). I'm not a physicist or scientist, but I can only assume that someone from down below would have seen this rainbow as the typical arched rainbow, while from above the earth's horizon, it's actually viewed in its entirety as a full circle. So maybe seeking the end of the rainbow would be like a dog chasing their tail. Maybe the pot of gold is not at the end of the rainbow, but the rainbow itself! And maybe if you're lucky, you'll see a rainbow in it's complete circular form one day. It was amazing!

So here's to you my brother, Cheers to your 40th birthday!

(click to enlarge)

...and check out the quick 1 minute video, click here

1 down, 9 to go of my Top 10 extreme things I want to do

Happiness

What makes me happy?

First let's define happiness. According to Wikipedia, happiness is an emotional or affective state that is characterized by feelings of enjoyment and satisfaction. This suggests that happiness can derive from anything, anything that makes you feel enjoyment or satisfaction. Therefore the sources for happiness are endless, yet how come there are so many unhappy people.

I would say that we all strive for happiness in life. That is the driving force for living. Whether we strive to be rich, beautiful, famous, married, or successful, it's all for the sake of happiness. We all have different views and beliefs as to what we think will make us happy. Unfortunately, we allow external factors dictate our happiness. We accept other people's thoughts and opinions control our state of mind. Obviously, being happy is subjective. No one can define your happiness but yourself. I believe finding happiness is simple. Life itself equals happiness. We complicate our lives with ideas and fantasies of how it's supposed to be rather than enjoying what it is. Happiness is less about what you want and more about being happy with what you have (damn that was good, that should be a quote). Here's one I stole from Christian's myspace header: It is what it is…it cannot be more than that. Look around you, enjoy what it is. Choose to be happy! Life is good!

So for me, what makes me happy? I find my happiness from the little things in life. Oh and before I continue on my source of happiness, it goes without saying that Mathew and all details pertaining to him emanate an enormous amount of JOY in my life. His laughter, his smile, even his tantrums make me happy. I love to see him eat and fidget with his teeth. It makes me smile to see him play with Harley. His hugs and kisses, even his slaps on my chest make me smile. I can go on with endless accounts of how Mathew makes me happy. So for the sake of this blog, Mathew will be a given. So besides the love of my life, what makes me happy? My first response to my friend was "rainbows, puppies, and sunshine." And while that was a joke, it is true. lol.

So here are some of my resources for happiness (the little things in life)
(in no particular order and in no way a complete list):

Loving and being loved
Hugs
The Beach
Sunsets
Natural earthly beauties (waterfalls, lakes, birds singing, etc)
Cotton candy at amusement parks
Popcorn at the movie theater
Eating ice cream in the park
Playing in the rain with Harley (my dog)
The sound of children's laughter
The smell of vanilla
Baking
Good Wine
Savoring gourmet food
Roller coaster rides
Hockey games
Tailgating
Music
Dancing
Singing out loud
Reading a good book
My comfy down suede throw
Good conversation
Friends
Chocolate
Writing
Drawing
Trees
The Moon
Shopping (when I have $$$)
Working out
Long drives
Long walks
I'm pretty simple. I like most everything. I'm willing to discover, try, and experiment new things. I choose to be happy in life. That's not to say things don't make me sad, cry, depressed, or hurt, but my overall perspective in life is positive, hopeful, and happy! I'm the girl that makes lemonades when life hands her lemons.

So what makes you happy?

Before I go, let me leave you with a few quotes I just found about happiness:

We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. ~ Frederick Keonig

The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be. ~ Marcel Pagnol

Some pursue happiness - others create it. ~unknown

Happiness is not the absence of problems but the ability to deal with them. ~unknown

Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections. ~unknown

Hawaii = My Healing Place

The magical beauty of Hawaii that surrounded me awakened my senses and healing powers within. In the midst of tropical paradise, I discovered myself again; the new and single me (not the wife or ex-wife, not the mom, just ME). I delved into some areas in my life I have been afraid to visit, had no time to explore, and plainly just avoided. I was on this hellish emotional roller coaster ride in Hawaii. I hated the ride, but had to get on it. I somehow found the courage to get on this uncomfortable ride. Maybe it was the magical healing powers of Hawaii? Maybe I was just ready to get on with it? I broke down many times, with an array of emotions, and I discovered that it is all okay, I am okay. In a sense, I mourned the loss of my marriage. If you can compare my experience to the loss of a loved one, I went through the last phases of the grieving process, acceptance. Before I left for Hawaii, I don't think I accepted the finality of my marriage more than just with a verbal and physical agreement. I never "realized" my loss. I did while in Hawaii; I endured the pain of not having my best friend with me. I missed the love we shared. I suffered loneliness. I felt the sadness of missing out on the family I dreamed of. I smiled reminiscing at the memories we shared. I sincerely felt joy thinking of the "us" we had and the possible "friendship" that could form. I despise that feeling, but all the while strangely understand it as forward progression. I wondered and agonized over the question "why." I know I may never get an answer and I understand that. At times I felt depressed for what happened to me, and yet overcome with happiness! I know that in spite of all that he did in the end, it is okay to miss him. It is okay to mourn the loss of my marriage and feel hurt, pain, happiness, loneliness, suffering, sorrow...all of it. With time and head on collisions with my emotions, it will all pass. I now accept the loss fully. And I invite any and all emotions that come with this loss. It feels good to feel the hurt. Sounds weird, but it felt good to cry and hysterically lose it. Maybe I never entirely broke down before, maybe because I had no time, so many things to focus on and worry about. Or maybe I just wasn't ready? Being away in a tropical paradise with no worries, but my tan lines, I felt liberated to finally FEEL. And I feel now. And it sucks, but it feels good. I am feeling again. I feel the desire to love and be loved again. I have desires and new dreams. I have renewed hope and faith. I see rainbows and birds flying freely. I found me. I am ME.

I long for freedom and a deep commitment to others.
I long for solitude and intimacy.

Even though this vacation was more about the journey than the destination, I still enjoyed the destination.

- Got me some tan lines, while absorbing the sun rays and capturing the tranquil serenity of Napili Bay
- Snorkeled and saw me some sea turtles. Yay! Words that come to mind: Beautiful, rapid, earthly, fragile, graceful, and peaceful.
- Pearl Harbor - no words can describe, visit mandatory if you ever visit Hawaii
- Surfed. I loved it! I truly understand the addiction now (minus the rash burns and foot injury from the coral). Christian, when are you taking me surfing now?
- Drove down to Hana (east coast of Maui), waterfalls, black sand beaches, red sand beaches, small towns, scenic, and beautiful. If heaven had a highway, this road would be it.
- Sunsets…nothing to explain, simply gorgeous.
- The Banyan Tree – enormous, intricate, inviting. I enjoyed some reading time on a park bench under this tree.

Before I go, let me leave you with my welcome home greeting:
Coming down the escalator at the airport, I spotted Mathew in his stroller eating some snacks. When I got close enough, I called out his name "Mathew!" He looked up and spotted me and gave me this look of "OH! It's you! I wasn't expecting you!" And his eyes grew big and his legs started to kick. I quickly unbuckled him out of the stroller and picked him up. He gave me a big hug with his face planted in my neck. I lowered myself to the floor and put him down and he kept coming back for more hugs. "I love this kid," "This kid is awesome" I kept thinking to myself. And the hugs came to an abrupt stop when he spotted a girl his age with a ball. I'm glad to be back home!

Rainbows

I saw a rainbow this morning on my commute. It made me smile and reminisce of my childhood. I remember always looking for rainbows. I always felt that if I spotted a rainbow the rest of my day would be great! I would make sure to announce the rainbow, making sure everyone got to enjoy the colors too. A rainbow equals smiles and happiness. I still get so happy when I see one.

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky.
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

Today I am happy, I saw a rainbow.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I went shopping this weekend and got me some hot new MILF clothes. What are MILF clothes you ask? Simply stated, sexy! I got me some sexy shoes and a couple of sexy new outfits. Now all I need is to go out! Anyone?