10 years Have Gone By

I had an extremely emotional day this Sunday. It all started when my son’s best friend called to tell him she just lost her older brother. I couldn't stop crying all day, even during my Deep Yin class. I was a freaking hot mess. I couldn’t shake the sense of sadness that gripped me tight. See, I lost my brother 10 years ago, almost to the day (August 11, 2009). I don't usually carry so much sadness. This hit me so hard, it was so unexpected and unassuming.

But what I really wanted to share is how my brother sends me angelic signs and this time is no different. I remember about a month after he passed away, I was asking him to show me some signs that he is still here with me. Literally, I was talking to him out loud and the song ‘Calling All Angels’ by Train came on while I was driving. I belted that song so loud with tears running down my face. Coincidence, I think not. As crazy it may seem, I started seeing 11:11 everywhere. It became such a regular occurrence that my family stopped thinking I was crazy and believed in it too. Yesterday, in my time of need, I saw 11:11 twice and it only comes around twice a day. Then, I woke up in the middle of the night and my alarm clock said 1:11am. I went to sleep with a smile on my face. My son saw a rainbow on his way home from school yesterday (rainbows are signs too) and today he had a butterfly flutter on his face. It’s not your imagination, sometimes coincidence comes with a lot of angelic effort. .
.
I am comforted to know that during my darkest times & celebratory times, I see his signs everywhere. Maybe my energy manifests these signs, or the Universe is conspiring to make them happen for me or maybe he’s just simply sending me signs. Either way, it doesn’t change the fact that I know he’s tranformed back into the Universe and is eternally connected with the Universe within me.

Robin,
Thank you for all your signs. I’m smiling now. You have reminded me of my attitude of gratitude and reconnected me with your soul. You know, I am living for both you and me. My adventures are always an extension of yours. Until we meet again big brother!
From my heart to your soul,
I love you and miss you so fucking much!

a day like no other

will it or not
it is here
here i am
on august 11th

thought it would pass me by
a day like any other
who am i fooling
it's impossible to escape

the mindfulness is too strong
subconscious thoughts creep in
fleeting memories fly by
and here we go again
burdened with my grief

i miss you today
like i missed you yesterday
i need you today
like i needed you all this time
i want you hear with me
like you never left

death changes nothing
yet everything at once
and time stands still
while it passes you by

it's supposed to get easier
or so they say
but on days like this
it never really is

i will face the day in such a way
not like any other
but like the day it is
the day i lost my brother
five years ago today

never will you be forgotten
on this day or ever
until the day i see you again

Robin, in case you ever foolishly forget; i am never not thinking of you.
from my heart to your soul...



"death leaves a heartache no one can heal; love leaves a memory no one can steal"  - unknown

"sorrow comes in great waves...but it rolls over us, and though it may almost smother us it leaves us on the spot and we know that if it is strong, we are stronger, inasmuch as it passes and we remain" - henry james

i live

for you, i live
i dare
i seek
i thrill
i love
i live

this year's birthday adventure in celebration of your life and the way you lived it...is to fly again, using a water jetpack (james bond style). unfortunately, the company canceled last minute today and our experience will be postponed for another day (soon).

these new adventures every year make me feel alive. without adventures, risks and experiencing new things in life...you're not living at all. you're just not dying.

"to live is the rarest thing in the world. most people exist, that is all" - oscar wilde
in your short life, you lived life more than most in a full lifetime. something i am always so proud to say. i hope i am making you proud with the life i am living, not just existing...because it's for both you and me.

happy birthday robin!
i love you and miss you everyday!!!

xoxo, from my heart to your soul

happy birthday jorge

to my brother in law, Jorge
a short and sweet birthday message to you:

i miss you and my heart aches for your absence
how can you miss someone you never met? 
everyday, pieces of you make way into my heart
you are so deeply loved and cherished, it is penetrating
i am so lucky to be a part of your family, to be your sister
very much like my brother, your aura is vibrant and lively
your presence is never absent from our home
you will always live on within us
within the five of us, the Gonzoulay family

happy birthday jorge!
today and everyday,
we shall live life exponentially for all of us!
we love you!

from my heart to your soul...
i know we shall meet someday
your sister,
Sol

Well, hello there...

so, yeah i've been a stranger in the blogosphere for almost two years. i suck. and i hope my two blog fans don't hate me. are you both still there? i'm not proud of my disappearance. all i have are lame excuses, like no time, children, and work. but whatever...excuses are for lame-o's.

i had lunch with a very dear friend and soul sister, camile! she brought back to my attention my blogs; how she loved my blogs and how i inspired her to blog herself. plugging her blog here. while sitting there and attempting to explain to her out loud "my excuses" for not blogging, it made me just cringe. it was pathetic really. i mean how am i supposed to get a writing career if i don't write. how can i complain about my job, the one that is a means to an end, if i'm not even trying to do what i love?! so here i am...trying to get back into it, not for the career goal (although, that would be totally awesome), but to take all the things that spin in my head and lay them all out for my (2 fan based) blog world to read, laugh, and be inspired. i might back track to some older ideas in my head; about parenting, living life to the fullest, and mostly just spewing all the crap in my head. so here goes it...

so for today, i'll just fill you in on a few things that have happened while i've been away:

• september 2011 
• went to california for the first time. i hugged thousand year old trees, slept in a tent, drank lots of wine, and met my boyfriends family
• november 2, 2011
• my first niece was born. lilianne robin azoulay. she is the daughter i'll never have.
• june 2012 
• went to vegas for the first time. we stayed in the paris hotel, won $85 in caesar's palace, molested statues, went to the grand canyon, walked the skywalk and the hoover dam bridge
• june 23, 2012 
• shot a fully automatic m-16 rifle in celebration of robin's birthday. enough said.
• august 7, 2012 
• i got a new tattoo. a big hamsa on my left side ribs. hurt like a motherfucker
• october 2012 
• i voted early. i voted obama. 
• december 1, 2012
• moved into a new place with my boyfriend and his 2 wonderful boys
• december 2012 
• i had a breast cancer scare. i have breast calcifications (that were biopsied) and four nodules that need to be monitored for the next two years. fuck cancer
• january, 2013 
• went horseback riding for the first time. sore ass.
• january 28, 2013
• purchased an ibanez artwood guitar. youtube lessons. finger tip callouses. another checkmark on my bucket list.
• february 10, 2013 
• my boyfriend propsed to me. i am now engaged to my soul mate. 

...and today, i am still planning a wedding, raising three amazing boys, managing my time poorly, dealing with chronic neck problems, frustrated with people, inconsistently working out, devouring chocolate daily (no seriously, every day!), falling asleep early, cursing like a fucking trucker, misplacing my patience, and most importantly loving on the four men in my life.

i'd like to close with a quote from my son:
"i moustache you a question. but i'll shave it for later"

    i'm a tree-hugger!

Grief Envy

‎"the deeper the grief, the more radiant the love"

this sentence was like swallowing a ball of razors. these nine words throwing a wrench in my head. i've already been battling with ideas of not grieving enough. do i mourn deeply enough? do i cry enough? do i miss him enough? do i think about him enough? do i feel sorrow enough? do i hurt enough? 9 freaking words amounting to just 2 words for me: grief envy

yes! hi, my name is nancy and i have grief envy!

what is grief envy you might ask? 
in short, being envious of one's grief.
am i the first to have this envy?
probably not. and i probably won't be the last.
now that i have put a "definition" to what i've been feeling
maybe i can deal with it better
now that i've defined it,
maybe i can even just admit to it out loud

so here i go:
i know, i know, we all grieve in our own way. no one way is right or wrong. i'd be the first person to say this. at first, i thought my reasons for my easy grief, was that maybe i was emotionally healthy. but as i grieve, two years later, i still wonder about the depths of my relationship with my brother. i wish i had deeper grief. i wish i had more. my grief doesn't seem enough. i want to hurt more. i want to feel the sorrow deeper. when i think of robin, i grasp at flimsy memories i can barely recall. i'm losing him, his memories. then i see my little brother and i envy his grief (even though he masks it deep on the inside, i see it). i envy the relationship they had together, the countless memories he can recall. i envy the closeness they once had. again, i know, i know, i shouldn't compare relationships, yada yada yada. but still…i know i don't feel the same pain, the same hole, the same loss. i see his and i envy it. i can't help but feel like i missed out, i feel like i should have done more. something is missing and i can't get it back. it's too late. then i also see my boyfriend and i envy his grief over the loss of his brother. i'm so stupid. i know. how crazy to envy someone else's grief. seriously, someone check my head please. seeing those around me grieve the way i want to grieve over my brother, makes me question what kind of connection i had with my brother. i think to myself, if i don't cry and miss him all the time, i must not have had a deep love with him. maybe our relationship wasn't strong enough to affect my life without him. crazy, i know. ridiculous, i know. but still thoughts that run through my head.

i wish i had more, more time, more opportunity. and i can't. so i live with this guilt, this regret.

nine freaking words

"the deeper the grief, the more radiant the love"

how will i ever get over these words?
i can't change what it was, i have to live with what it is.
I can't make it what I want, I have to live with what I've got.
will it ever be enough to comfort me?
will i ever get over the envy?

two years

two years

"they" say:

time heals all wounds

it'll get better or easier with time

i disagree.

time only makes it easier to suppress the pain

time gives you a false sense of reality without the guilt

time only helps you forget

i dont want to forget

even if it means pain

i want to feel the hurt

not repress it

i want to cry when the pain strikes me

even if i'm on the sidewalk or in a store

i don't want to hide from the memories

i don't want to ignore the hurt

it's the pain that reminds me how much i miss you

without the pain, i'd be afraid to forget you

i'm afraid to lose this pain i feel

in fear of losing you

It is true that I have less days of sorrow

and more days of delightful memories

but my loss is still permanent

my hole in my heart is still empty

how can my life ever be the same again?

it won't, it just won't

it can't be without you in it

i've been missing you for 730 days now

and i will continue to miss you all the days of my life

till we meet again big brother

with all the love in my heart

i fucking miss you!

~sol

Happy Birthday Robin (tomorrow)

Dearest Robin,

Always, for as long as I can,
I will look at this world for both of us.
I will soar with the birds,
I will dare and love,
I will laugh in the sun,
I will dream big
I will wish upon the stars for both of us.
I will pray to the heavens for both of us.
You will live on through me.

I will live for you.

And as promised on your 40th Birthday, I will celebrate your life.
I will celebrate you.

This year, on your birthday,
Together,
We will swim with the dolphins,
glide with the sting rays,
admire the fishes of the sea,

feed the birds and be one with nature.

Thank you for giving my life new adventures and present day living

...not a day goes by you are not with me in my thoughts, my decisions, my actions, or in my heart. I miss you and know I will see you again some day.

Happy Birthday Robin!

See you in the waters, the sky, and heavens above...
see you in all that is nature, mother earth.
Maybe that's why nature is company enough for me.

I love you!

your baby sis,

Nancy

P.S. Robin's birthday is tomorrow, June 23rd.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran

Shalom Israel

Two weeks in Israel; here are my tidbits, random thoughts, perceptions, and experiences (in no particular order):

My answer to “how was your trip?” - Beautiful!

The cities we visited: Tel Aviv, Eilat, Negev Desert, Netanya, Haifa, Acco, Tzfat, Hadera, Caesaerea, Tiberias, Jerusalem… pretty much all of Israel.

Israel is an inspiring country. I was impressed with its independence, its agriculture, its strength, and mostly for its fierce patriotism!

My favorite city: Jerusalem. I heart Jerusalem! I can’t really explain why, but it can have a lot to do with its history. The history and story of places are so appealing to me. And Jerusalem is one of the oldest cities in the world, so yea I kinda liked it!

My favorite historical site: Masada. I was in complete and utter admiration and respect for the construction, the location, the people, and the history of this place. A-Mazing!

My favorite museum (and the only one I went to): Yad Vashem, the Holocaust History Museum. It's hard to swallow the beauty of this museum when it's choking in the disturbing real artifacts, photos, and letters of the systematic extermination of the Jews during the war. Daunting. Sadness. Emotional. Absurd reality. An absolute must see/visit for the memory, testimonies, honor, and education.

My favorite tour: The Western Wall Tunnels. The Western wall we see is only an eighth of the original entire wall. The tour takes us underground to give us a better vision of the depth and size of the original wall. Unimaginable! Think: the largest stone (which is underground) is 44 feet long and 10 feet wide, weighing 570 tons. Imagine moving that stone two thousand years ago. Plus, on this tour, I was standing at the closest possible spot of the holy of holies, the most holy place.

The Western Wall: Walking up to this wall, I felt intimidated, not sure what to do or how to feel anything. Even for a non-religious person like me, I was hesitant to be in a holy place and not feel a connection. Standing at the wall, with a piece of paper in my hand (a previously written thought out prayer – maybe for another blog), I just started to cry with strong emotions and thoughts of Robin coursing through my heart and soul. I shoved my paper in the wall and walked away backwards. Now, I understand why they call it the Wailing Wall.

A moment of awe: I was standing in Israel at the border of Egypt, while able to see Saudi Arabia and Jordan. I was so awed by that moment of “almost” being in four countries at once. Oh how I would have loved to visit Jordan and Egypt!

Food - Yummo! The food was delicious, very much Middle Eastern style, which is what I grew up on. Israelis do love their salads. Salads galore!
Goldstar – Israeli dark lager beer
Chocolate –popping chocolate bar. It was so deliciously fun. It was like pop rocks but inside milk chocolate bar. How cool?! In fact, I’m eating the last of the Israeli chocolate I brought back as I write this.
Sunflower Seeds – the largest sunflower seeds ever! All produce in Israel was LARGE and in charge!
Zitoune – Olives. I love olives. Olives everywhere!
Mint tea – drank at least two glasses of mint tea a day.
McDonalds – They rule the world! McD’s in the middle of the Negev desert, nothing else in sight…seriously, I’m not kidding you. It was crazy when I saw McD’s in famous Europe cities like London, Madrid, Rome, but in the middle of the desert that just blew my mind away!

Beaches: They’ve got nothing on Maui beaches or even parts of Florida. I didn’t find the desire or need to spend time on Israeli beaches, but then again I have been to Maui! Can you even compare?

Bodies of water: My toes touched the Mediterranean Sea, the Red Sea, the Dead Sea, and the Sea of Galilee… collected rocks from each to place at Robin’s grave.

I’m a sucka for tourist shops; a total junkie. I love knick knacks and paddy whacks!

Mailed out postcards with three days left of vacation! Oh well, better late than never.

Transportation: We rented two itty bitty cars. We were a total of 8 people on this trip (a number, by the way, that’s too high for major travel excursions). It was 3 couples (one of which were my parents, the other two my uncles; then my cousin and I). Our car rides were bitter sweet. Hated the traveling drama, it was commuting hell. The running joke was that we couldn’t get to our destination without at least 2 u-turns. Not quite a funny joke to me. I didn’t mind catching up on my sleep, but wished the journey was just as interesting as our destinations…and it easily could have been. I wanted to stop for amazing views, to run through a field of sunflowers, take amazing sunset pictures, and just to absorb the journey. This is why I prefer to travel alone.

Highways: Super pristine clean! I never thought I would ever say that about a highway, but it’s true!

Camel ride: I rode a camel for the first time ever. They were smelly walking up to them, but while riding I didn’t smell a thing. They are such gentle creatures.

ATV ride: I rode an ATV for the first time ever in the Negev desert. My cousin, Asif, took me for a wild ride with wheelies and tires fighting to stay on the ground. So cool! I love that when I was asked if I wanted to go on this ride, I didn’t even hesitate. I thought, hell yeah, Robin would do it, so YES! Had you asked me 2 years ago, I might have said no entirely!

Israelis are horny! They drive horribly, park terribly and honk at every chance they get. Fuck! Enough with the honking! Geez, and I thought Miami was bad…ha!

Favorite Sign in Israel: Go In Peace
Other favorite sign: Shalom Y’all

Languages spoken on this trip: not all of which I speak; French, Moroccan Arabic, Hebrew, and my made-fun-of Frenglish!

Quotes of the trip:
“Ofaqim” – a city in the Negev desert that when we got lost in that town, we used the city name as an expression of “Oh Fuck him/it!” It was used a lot.
“Sababah” – a Hebrew word taught to us by family. The meaning is for a variation of “it’s all good” or “no worries.” It can be used in any format. It started becoming similar to a “woosa” mantra for car #2.
“Il n’y a rien a dire” – a French phrase used by my uncle Prosper at least a dozen times a day. It means, “There is nothing else to say about it.” My uncle overused it so much, that I used it in opposite meaning, in sarcastic tones.
“Sleha” – In Hebrew, it means, “excuse me” but in Arabic the word sounds like you are saying a bad word.
“Serenity Now!” – a quote I used a million times in silence. Thank you George Costanza’s dad.
“Toda Raba” – in Hebrew means Thank you!

I learned that high school drama never ends even in old age. Oy Vey! I hated high school and to think I have to live through it the rest of my life is dreadful. I wish people would just grow up so I don’t have to live through my high school years again. Ridunculous!

11:11 was everywhere on this trip. At first, I was able to keep track of the few instances I encountered 11:11, but by the end of the trip I couldn’t keep up even in my journal. Robin was with me on this trip. He was not just on my mind and in my heart; he was literally there with me in spirit. It was crazy good!

My nickname on this trip: Trucker! My cousin Annie kept calling me a trucker. I’m sure you can imagine why…I curse a lot…shocker! I curse in public places, in private places, in holy places, and in front of anyone with no shame…maybe a little shame, but only cause of the reactions I see. Cursing is a release! It’s like screaming on the top of your lungs! If I could scream instead of curse, I would! But I mean a scream like in the Garden State scene when they scream into the infinite abyss while standing on top of an old yellow caboose in the rain…yea, like that. Would I look crazier screaming or cursing?! I’d probably scream curse words anyway…

Weather: A freak of nature! Best time of the year for weather, that’s what we were told. There’s no rain and mild heat. NOT
“There are seldom any rainy days at all from May through September” it says in my travel book. It rained twice while I was there. And a major, Florida-summer like thunderstorm one night. Seriously?! “seldom any rainy days at all” my ass!
Also, add to the fact that it was COLD, like freezing Canada cold almost every night. I borrowed jackets and scarves and even a winter jacket one night. I mean seriously, isn’t it supposed to be Africa-hot?!

Holidays/Events:
Mother’s Day - Spent my first mother’s day without Mathew. It never felt like mother’s day that day anyway. I got to spend Mother’s day the day after I returned. I love being a mama! And being away from Mathew for 2 weeks was hard, but I do have to tell you we both handled it extremely well. Our love is healthy and loyal. We have nothing but confidence in each other’s love. Amazed!
Israel’s Independence Day – celebrated by hanging out at the beach with my cousin and eating the best falafel ever on the streets of Netanya
Nakba Protests - marks the anniversary of the founding of the state of Israel in 1948, a day many Palestinians call "nakba," meaning "catastrophe." Eight people were reported killed that day in separate incidents. And there I was in Israel hearing fighter jets, military helicopters, ambulances, and UN vans roaring by all day long. To say I was worried is an understatement!

Favorite worthwhile part of the trip: meeting family I didn’t even know existed. Rachel, Yaelle, Leah, Yaala, Avital, Bathen, Shimron, Livni, Menachem, Ruthy, Sylvia, Yaacov, and more! <3

Things I didn’t get to do: Plant a tree in my brother’s name!

Hebrew quote for my boyfriend: ani ledodi vedodi li = I am my beloved and my beloved is mine (Song of Songs-Psalm 6:3) <3

So this is just a fraction of what I experienced while in Israel. I have so much more to say about my trip to Israel, some too simple to include, some probably forgotten, and some intentionally left out for the greater good. Got questions? Ask!

Here are just a few of my favorite pictures…Trying picking 3 out of 938 photos taken.

(click to enlarge)

(my cute camel taking me for a ride)

(love my new found family in Israel)

(overlooking the yehuda desert and dead sea with Jordan in sight)

love is stronger than death

so here i am, at the end of an emotional day
endless supplies of tears and memories
and still feeling after all this time...
alone

my writings are part of my coping mechanism
a temporary mode of catharsis
as expressive as i am
as open as i am
as many tears as i've shed
i sometimes feel just as repressed as the next angst-riddled teen

it scares me to realize that even faced head on
somewhere unbeknownst to me,
there still lies anger, regret, hurt, pain, and deep sorrow
secretly bottled up in the darkest corners of my insides
always ready to boil over
always sitting over the edge
a heart forever broken
a void that can never be filled

i'll always have this feeling, this story, this missing piece in me
that I will carry for the rest of my life
some may understand, some may even empathize
but i realize now that grief can't be shared
you carry it alone
your burden in your own way

a feeling, a story, a missing piece
a responsibility I'm proud to carry
even if i carry it alone
cause in the end
love is stronger than death

~sol

Robin, I'm drowning in tears here

I fucking miss you so!

Never stop sending me messages...

they give me hope!

till we meet again bro...

of such insignificant times

walking down the street

I smile at a complete stranger

and in that instant it occurs to me

i miss my brother's smile

and in that moment

memories flash me by

and a tear forms in my eye

my throat begins to tighten

and I carry on with my head held down low

my emotions run away

while my feet can barely move

feelings of guilt for living on

but smirking cause you'd want it no other way

wanting to call you

and wishing you were still here

missing our talks

missing your hugs

in the quickest of moments

of such insignificant times

I sometimes just breakdown and cry

I miss you so!

~sol

the crap line of my life ends now gosh darn it

So as I promised last June in my blog called Mental Toughness, here is the crap line of my life.

Without being dramatic or seeking pity, here's the crap line of my life. Let's start with the BEST day of my life....

Oct. 4, 2005 -> best day of my life - Mathew is born
Jan, 2006 -> my husband of 6 years says he's not happy. Why? he says, "I don't know."
Jun, 2006 -> my husband leaves us and wants a divorce
Oct. 2006 -> the husband who walked out on his family finally has his son sleepover for the first time
Nov. 2006 -> I travel to Hawaii for some needed healing (without Mathew)
Nov. 2006 -> Grand epiphany - "I'm grateful that he left me"
Dec. 2006 -> I discover that the husband has a live-in girlfriend and he finally filed the divorce paperwork (interesting timing)
Feb. 2007 -> my dog, Harley, bites another dog, leading to that dog's death
Mar 2007 -> lost the animal court case, fined for animal biting
June 2007 -> the divorce is finalized, my name is back
Aug 2007 -> the ex-husband tells me his girlfriend is 5 months pregnant
Sept. 2007 -> I vacation to Spain (without Mathew)
Oct. 2007 -> I met a guy, and started falling in love
Nov 2007 -> the ex-husband marries his now 8 month pregnant girlfriend in the courthouse
Dec. 2007 -> my boyfriend moves in with us (i know, i know...it was quick)
Jun. 2008 -> got my first tattoo
Sep. 2008 -> my little brother, Philippe gets married
Sep. 2008 -> my boyfriend leaves us and doesn't look back
Sep. 2008 -> we find out my mother has cancer in her kidney
Nov. 4, 2008 -> my mom is cancer-free!
Jan. 2009 -> tried e-harmony. fail.
Feb. 2009 -> the ex-husband tells me he just bought a 5 bedroom house with a pool and asks to lower child support in the same conversation. Few days later, he asks me to stop communicating with his family
Feb. 2009 -> I have a new boss
Apr 2009 -> I make the hardest decision in my life. Harley is given up for adoption.
Aug 11, 2009 -> worst day of my life - my big brother, Robin passes away
Sept 2009 -> get my second tattoo in memory of my brother Robin
Nov 2009 -> the ex-husband tells me his wife is 8 months pregnant (only cause Mathew figured it out and told me)
Jan 2010 -> tried online dating again. fail.
Feb 2010 -> stopped paying my mortgage - I owe double the value of what my house is worth and want out of this past life.
Mar 2010 -> take Mathew to Canada to see snow
May 2010 -> get served, foreclosure lawsuit on my house (I have a short-sale contract pending)
May 2010 -> take week long vacation to Disney (mostly for me)
June 21, 2010 -> went sky diving for my brothers would be 40th birthday
August 2010 -> buyer for my short sale house withdraws contract
August 11, 2010 -> one year anniversary of my brother's death

Sept. 2010 -> work woes begin
Oct. 2010 -> Bear, our family dog passes away
Nov. 2010 -> Second buyer of my short sale declined meeting the Banks financial numbers.
Dec. 29, 2010 -> Third Buyer of my short sale house withdraws contract

Dec. 30, 2010 -> Visit the happiest place on Earth with Mathew (magic kingdom)

and now...
2011 -> the beginning of a new life line! =)

2010 wasn't so bad

2010 was a rough year and with it almost gone, I start looking forward and moving on. But one can't help but look back, just the same:

February - Mathew went to his 1st Miami Heat game.

February - I went to the John Mayer concert with good ole time friend, Denise!

March - Mathew and I went to Montreal, Canada in March for a winter week get-away: the snowball effect and O'Canada, I love you so, but here are...

April - Mathew and I went to Disney on Ice with his best friend, Jose and his family.

April - I witnessed one of the best weddings to date; partly cause it was gorgeous, mostly cause it's my favorite couple, and so totally cause of their love, one-of-a-kind. Jillian and Brian, I love you!

April - Mathew and I went to the Panthers hockey game.

May - Mathew and I went to Disney for a week: 6 days, 5 nights, 4 parks

May - I went back to Montreal for my cousin, Eric's wedding: Message from Robin

June - Mathew, Philippe (my lil' bro) and I went to Jungle Island and had a 2-month old bengal tiger sit on our lap! So cool!

June - Mathew had his 1st sleepover at our house with his best friend, Jose.

June - I went skydiving in memory of my brother's birthday: OMG! Amazing!

August - I went back AGAIN to Montreal for my cousin, Yaelle's wedding.

August - I got rid of my iPhone for my new DroidX.

October - Mathew and I went to the Monday Night Football game on Mathew's 5th birthday. The Miami Dolphins lost, but we still had a fantastic time.

October - For my birthday, my dad got me a luxury suite at the Hard Rock Hotel and I celebrated the night away with my closest friends and family.

November - Mathew and I went on a one week cruise for our birthday. We went to St. Maarten, Puerto Rico and the Bahamas.

December - Mathew and I went to two more Dolphin games. Although, they are a pathetic team, we have a great time!

December - Mathew and I "will" be going to Orlando to have dinner with my bestest friend, Carrie, to spend a couple days/nights with Jillian, Brian and their baby Bella, and one day to see Mickey Mouse!

** we also had many family members visit us here in Florida: Yvette, Maurice, Max, Annie, Gabe, Marcelle, Elias, Suzanne, Ben, Melissa (with the kids, Jeremy and Jacob), and maybe more that I can't think of...

So while 2010 had some major pitfalls, it wasn't so bad after all!

Thank you 2010 and I look forward to what 2011 brings.

Happy New Year!

Bring on 2011

It's Personal - Part Two

"I arrogantly believe that strong faith, compassion, and spirituality needs no organized religion." - my quote

When asked what my stand was on "religion" after reading this quote on my facebook page, I simply said:

I'm not anti-organized religion. But I do think it should be a choice, not forced by birth. I feel that religion should be personal and internal. I understand that there are some, if not many, people that benefit and need organized religion. I think religion is altruistically, inherently "good." I actually really believe religion could be so much more powerful than it is now. Operated and created by men plus altruistic and inherently good equals an oxymoron. That's why if you make your religion personal, it can stay pure and intrinsically beautiful. To me, god is in the eye of the beholder. There's no right or wrong religion cause no one can scientifically prove their beliefs. It's technically all mythical, fictional, fairytale. But in the end, we all need belief, hope, and faith in something even if it's not explained by science. Some call it religion. I simply call it faith. Why does it have to labeled? I am a strong believer (maybe even more than those who go to church every week). What is it that I believe in? It's personal. It can't be explained just like religion can't be. It can't be proven or held in your hands, but it doesn't make it less real to me. I don't feel the need to have to explain it to anyone (except my son someday). Isn't believing in something more powerful than us, enough. Isn't feeling connected to the earth's energy better than feeling connected to a statue? I know my beliefs are real cause they're mine. I'm not judging you or your religion, on the contrary I respect those with strong belief systems and for knowing what is personal to them. Look within yourself and ask "are your beliefs your own?"

Looking back after my brother passed away...I learned how strong my faith really is. I was tested, I was pushed and faced with something that didn't make sense, that makes anyone question life, the meaning of it, and even if there could really be a god. I can say with strong conviction and arrogance, my faith is strong and it didn't come from a religion! I know for ME, I don't need a religion. Do I think religion is a bad thing, no (definitely no). But find the religion or belief system that's in your heart not what's been molded in your head. It is my opinion that your faith in something/anything is only as strong as your personal belief in it. If you were born and raised catholic, your faith to that religion won't be strong, committed, or real until the day you decide that this religion is YOUR personal belief. That's why I say my religion is personal. We are all looking for something to believe in...just remember it doesn't have to be defined by an organized religion.

If your religion or belief system is personal to you, you've found spirituality that no one can touch. Faith can't be taught, it must be felt.

the end.

it's personal part one can be found here

One Year

One year ago today, I lost my big brother Robin.

there are days it still seems surreal

and days that are unbearable

there are better days of memories

and days of love in the air

there are days of wishing

and days of regrets about the past

there are greater days of faith

and days i smile with tears

living in this storm of emotions

these days of ups and downs

one thing is for certain

he resides in my heart everyday

Robin,

I love you.

I miss you.

I wish you were here.

from my heart to your soul

~sol

‎...the only thing that gives me hope, is i know i'll see you again some day.

‎...i wish heaven had a phone so i could hear your voice again
...your absence has gone through me, like thread through a needle. everything I do is stitched with its color.
‎...say not in grief "he is no more" but live in thankfulness that he was
...God didn't take me away from you. He only took my hand and pull me to his side. My body is gone but my spirit will never die.
...when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart. for every time you think of me, I'm right here in your heart.
...love is stronger than death
‎...where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.

...We may not understand why you left this earth so soon, or why you left before we were ready to say goodbye, but little by little, we begin to remember not just that you died, but that you lived. And that your life gave us memories too beautiful to forget.

I also wanted to share a poem by David Harkins...I took the liberty to change the she's to he's, the hers to his....

You can shed tears that he is gone, or you can smile because he has lived. You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back, or you can open your eyes and see all he's left. Your heart can be empty because you can't see him, or you can be full of the love you shared. You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday. You can remember him only that he is gone, or you can cherish his memory and let it live on. You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back. Or you can do what he'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

OMG! Amazing!

"oh my god, oh my god, oh my god" were the words coming out of my mouth right before I jumped out of a plane! Yes, I Nancy Sol, jumped out of a plane today. Of course, I was tied to an expert plane jumper, Carlos, who technically pushed me out of the plane. eh, minor detail.

This was my day to celebrate my brother's birthday, my brother's life. What better way than to repeat one of his actual birthday experiences he did for himself many years ago. What better way than to find a way to be closer to him in the heavens above. What better way than to be liberated, free, and flying!

This experience was exhilarating, scary, amazing, queasy, and emotional.

The adrenaline rush was nothing in comparison to the view.

I was in awe of the earth's horizon from this perspective

I was amazed with the view of the little world beneath me

Spectacular, breathtaking, and amazing!

The drizzle of cold rain hitting my face was so refreshing and totally cool

The everglades, marshland, and miles and miles of land were amazing. oh wait, I used that word already. Yes, amazing was all I could say all day about this adventure.

The most "amazing" part of this experience was Robin's message to me. I was hoping I would get one and I sure did. If you know me, you know I have this happy thing for rainbows. They can just turn my frown upside down, they lift my spirits, they're magical and beautiful and breathtaking every time. On my drive down to the place, I saw a rainbow, on the plane heading up I saw a rainbow, and most amazingly, on my decent down to earth I saw a special rainbow, Robin's message(s) to me. It was a rainbow halo; an enormous, rounded, no end, no pot of gold, full circular rainbow right beneath us. It was horizontal to the surface. It was NOT surrounded by a source of light (which is where you usually find rainbow halos). I'm not a physicist or scientist, but I can only assume that someone from down below would have seen this rainbow as the typical arched rainbow, while from above the earth's horizon, it's actually viewed in its entirety as a full circle. So maybe seeking the end of the rainbow would be like a dog chasing their tail. Maybe the pot of gold is not at the end of the rainbow, but the rainbow itself! And maybe if you're lucky, you'll see a rainbow in it's complete circular form one day. It was amazing!

So here's to you my brother, Cheers to your 40th birthday!

(click to enlarge)

...and check out the quick 1 minute video, click here

1 down, 9 to go of my Top 10 extreme things I want to do

40

Dear Robin,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

today you would be 40

6 years older than me

12 years older than Philippe

I could only dream of where you'd be, who you'd be with, or what you would be doing now...but in my reality I can tell you exactly who, where, and what you still are to me:

you are my brother and my friend

you are always in my heart and on my mind

you give me hope and light through my dark days

you inspire me to live NOW

your life transformed into this amazing gift to me, messages and all

you are an amazing uncle to Mathew, he holds a special place for you in his heart that even I can't describe. you have captured something with him in four small years that he will never forget or let go of

you are admired, cherished, appreciated, loved, and oh so missed!

...as long as I live, every breath i take, you will be here on this earth in the depths of my heart and soul (Mathew's too). Your are with me in my every move, decision, action, and fumble I make. I can hear you laugh and it's still contagious. I can hear you mentoring me too. I see you every day.

And on this day, I make this promise to you for as long as I shall live: I will celebrate your life always! And for your birthday every year I will celebrate with/for you by doing something 'special' in your honor! HBD ROBIN!

I thank you!

I love you!

till we meet again big bro!

your baby sis,

Nancy

P.S. To my blog readers: So as you are probably reading this, I am in the midst of celebrating his birthday. Stay tuned for my next post to find out what I'm doing/did. Now, let's just hope I can be as creative and daring for the years to come. ooooh, so exciting, can't wait to share!!!! :)

This was us celebrating my 25th birthday a long time ago...one of my most cherished pictures

Mental Toughness

I learned "mental toughness" the hard way. I suppose that's one of the best ways to learn it. What does mental toughness mean to you?

To me, my first time hearing of these words was from my big brother, Robin. He used it as an excuse to beat, bang, squish, twist, punch, pull and hold me down. Six years older and built like a rock, he would mostly make me cry, at which point, he would say that he was teaching me "mental toughness." You can say my lessons of mental toughness were no fun, for me at least. As I got older, I punched, pinched, twisted, and kicked back, usually only to get the same back just harder, and more tears. And as time kept passing, I got tougher and tougher. I blocked, thwarted, and outplayed him. My mental toughness was flourishing. who'd a thunk it? Not I, that's for sure. Looking back, cause we all know hindsight is 20/20, all our rough housing really developed my inner, mental strengths. I give him lots of credit for the unknowing, disguised lessons of mental toughness, unless it was his plan all along. Hmm...

33 years later, I am mentally tough! I've used my mental toughness skills as an athlete, wife, ex-wife, employee, supervisor, mother, etc... While I wouldn't say I have a hard life by any means, on the contrary, I would say "life is good" partly due to my mental toughness! It's this toughness that gets you through any kind of crappy life moments, of which I've had quite a few in the last few years...not complaining!

So in thinking of how I've used mental toughness to get me through my life's crappy moments, I started plotting a timeline in my head, which then lead to a draft play by play of the last few years on paper. I decided to add the good and the not so good to show the true time line, not just the crappy moments. So in the near future, look for a blog title "the crap line of my life" which ironically starts after the best day of my life, my son's birth!

So anyhoot, I found this quote today, which gave me the inspiration for this blog. This is exactly how Mental Toughness would be defined by my brother Robin and I thank him again, for another major, life changing, ever lasting, life lesson learned!

"It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more 'manhood' to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind."

Side note: My brother, Robin, passed away Tuesday, August 11th, 2009. The Friday night before he passed away, he was talking to our aunt about me, not sure in what context. And he told her to tell me these two words and that I would know what he was talking about. When she told me the story, she couldn't even remember the two words he had told her. When she said it was two words, I blurted out "mental toughness." She said "YES! that's it!" Mental toughness was "our thing." I never realized how popular it was; in books, sports articles, fitness tips, tests, quotes, and more. ...So maybe my brother knew what he was doing all along?!

Seeing these two quotes from Vince Lombardi, legendary NFL coach, I believe he knew exactly what he was teaching me (being an avid NFL sports fan):

"Mental toughness is essential to success"

"Mental toughness is many things and rather difficult to explain. Its qualities are sacrifice and self-denial. Also, most importantly, it is combined with a perfectly disciplined will that refuses to give in. It's a state of mind-you could call it character in action."

Message from Robin

My lil' brother and I went to Canada during the memorial day weekend. We were there to walk and celebrate in our cousin's wedding. Less than a year after my brother's death, should we be celebrating and rejoicing in other people's happiness? You see in the Jewish customs, mourning lasts for 12 months, and while regular activities in your life resume, you are not supposed to attend festive occasions, especially where music is played. For this reason, my parents did not attend the wedding. And after being there, I could see it would have been way too difficult for my parents. I didn't even realize how difficult it was going to be for me. I received many condolences from family and friends. I could sense that some people would look at me with sorrow and not know what to say. It was also difficult to see my aunts and uncles in a corner of the ballroom not acting themselves, not really belonging (they were in the 12 month mourning period for my grandmother, their mother). That was just a weird, constant reminder of sadness in place that didn't belong. Then, every time a cousin mentioned that this is the first time that every single cousin on my dad's side was together in the same place, all I could think of was "NO, Robin is missing!" Some probably realized what I was thinking, cause the impact of the comment disintegrated. Robin was mentioned in speeches and I know he was in everyone's hearts. This weekend, I was on a roller coaster ride of emotions.

Okay so on to the point of this blog:
Right after the ceremony, outside the ballroom, I congratulated my cousin Eric, the groom. He tells me with such sincerity and love "Robin is with us." And it took everything in me to not break down and bawl like a baby. I stood to the side and just thought of what the evening would have been like if he was really here and not just in our hearts. He would be "the" cousin that everyone talked to, asked for advice. He would be wanted in everyone's pictures. He would have this huge ass smile on his face. He would probably be sweating too. He would have danced the traditional Hora dance and helped lift the bride and groom in the air while they were sitting on their chairs. He would have been taking a walk outside a lot to take in the cold fresh air. He would have been drinking hard liquor, like jack and coke. He would have been playing with the nephews. He would be laughing and smiling a lot. And as if Robin was inside my head, he sent me a message less than an hour later to tell me he was here doing all of that.

While we were all on the dance floor, dancing the Hora, I was taking random pictures. And then boom I noticed this one picture. I was turning the camera off, thinking "oh I'll delete this one," and in less time it's taking me to tell you this, I noticed Robin was in the picture. I turned the camera back on immediately and yes, it was Robin in the picture. I shivered with tears while standing in the middle of the dance floor. I couldn't figure out who the real person was. All I could see was Robin smiling, dancing, and with so much joy. I am not blind. And this was not the kind of thing when people think they see their exes or passed loved ones in everyone they see crossing the street. It's not like that. It was Robin! Actually, it was my little brother, Philippe, who in my opinion, they do not look anything alike. See evidence below.


(click pictures to enlarge)

This is my family. Robin is on the left. Philippe on the right. Different faces, noses, smile, chin, forehead, I mean just so different, right? Now look at this picture below from Philippe's wedding almost two years ago. Robin to the left. Philippe on the right. So different, not even similar. Hey, that's me with the red frames.



Now here is the picture from this past weekend. Robin on the left bottom corner, I mean it's really Philippe, but it's not.



To me, this picture was a message from Robin. He was letting me know "I am here with you, don't be sad." He was celebrating, smiling, laughing, and dancing with all of us. I mean look at his face in this picture. After the initial shock wore off and the message came in clear, I was so happy! It made my trip worthwhile in every way!


My dad found this quote on a cemetery bench and it goes perfectly with this picture:

when tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart.
for every time you think of me,
I'm right here in your heart.

If that's true, you are living in my heart! Not a single day goes by that you are not with me.
I love you and miss you tremendously!

i wish

i miss you robin!

i wish...i wish, oh how i wish so many things like

i wish you were here, i wish i could hug you, i wish i can talk to you, i wish we could wrestle, i wish i could punch you, i wish i could hear you laugh, i wish i could hang out with you, i wish i could see you play with mathew, i wish i could take more pictures of you, i wish i could see you smile, i wish i could just call you, i wish i can just see you again, i wish we can just be together, i wish you were here right now to calm me down, i wish you were here, i wish you were here, i wish you were here....i miss you so much robin!

the breakdowns never end, they come out of nowhere, from everywhere, or from something or someone. they sneak up on me and when they do, i find it hard to believe you are not here. cause i still naturally think, i'll just call you or i'll see you later. and then reality hits and it's unbearable to live with and accept and i breakdown.

Tonight, your ex-girlfriend found me on facebook and reached out to me. She sent me a nice message and posted a great picture of the two of you. Having to tell someone what happened is the easy part, it's hearing their grief, their sympathy, and their beautiful remarks about you that just take me down this broken road. my life will never be the same again. i will forever miss you till the day we meet again. and until that day, i will think of you every single day...it's really not hard to do! I love you robin! i wish..............