baby daddy

my advice to all the mothers-yet-to-be:

don't worry about finding the perfect man or the man of your dreams.
worry more about finding the perfect father for your child or the dad of your dreams for your child.

Imagine this:
That moment when you see your ex for the first time after a break up. Knots in your stomach, sweaty palms, heart surging...what do you say? do you say hi or pretend you never saw him? do you say hi and act with no care in the world? With each encounter, the ex slowly fades away and the knots loosen up, the palms cool off, and the heart beats calmer. Before you know it, he's just a blip in your life map.  an ex is just an ex.

NOW Imagine this:
That same moment above; over and over and over again....for the life of your child. No matter the congeniality of the break-up...you still get the knots, sweat and surge for each, expected visit from your baby daddy. And you ask yourself: how did you ever end up with that guy? What were you thinking when you married him? How could you make a baby with that guy? Really? Seriously? Ewwww?!?!

dear mothers-yet-to-be:
please choose your baby daddy wisely
"an ex is just an ex, but a baby daddy is for life" - my quote

i urge you to ask yourself: is this the man i want to be as my ex AND my baby daddy? you know, would he be the ex husband that is an exceptional parent nonetheless? this is an important question to ask when dating.

Seek a perfect father and dad of your dreams for your child.
Your child and your future ex-self will thank you!

from personal experience,
a single mother (but not for long. cause i met the perfect father, the dad of my dreams for my child)

my awful, beautiful life!

I realized tonight that it's time to stop blaming my ex for the current housing crisis, financial loss, and credit woes I've been struggling with. I must take ownership of my life, even the parts that seem to have been leftover from my marriage. I thought to myself "ugh, stop feeling so scorned, it's so pathetic! Even the fact it took me this long to come to this thought is pathetic. wake up!"

And I did just that, I woke up to write it all down. That's how I do. So I bolted out of my bed, ran downstairs and pulled out my macbook. Here I am, all revved up, writing at midnight when I'm usually lolly gagging in dream land. I've barely even started and I feel better already. (See Kelly, this is what I do.)

So the back story goes something like this: My ex and I purchased a pre-construction home at the peak of the housing market (as an investment). On moving day, my ex decides that our marriage is over. I struggled the first couple of years to keep and make that single family house a home for my son and I. Years later, I finally made it to that status of "financially comfortable." Mind you, that just means a lot less paycheck to paycheck. Then last year, after careful and long deliberations, I decided to sell my house. But you see, my house lost it's value. I lost the cash equity in my home, which was part of our divorce settlement. Then my equity line account was frozen due to the value of my home depreciating. And now I owe more than double the value of my home, not including the cash equity that is gone. So yeah, I blamed the ex for the shit storm I'm in. And yes, I resented him for now owning a 5-bedroom house at the now low market value. It was easy to blame him for the year's worth of drama I've been in over this house.

So here goes the long over due, don't know why I didn't think of this sooner epiphany: I made the choices that led me to where I am today. I chose to be with him, to marry him, buy that house with him. I chose to not sell it when we divorced. I chose to sell it now and suffer the consequences on my own. And just like I felt empowered to be a single mom owning a home and making it on her own, I should feel empowered too for making difficult decisions knowing the hardships we would go through, for the sake of my 2-person family's happiness. Now that's something to be proud of.

I don't know what I was thinking carrying all this divorced women's scorn around on the inside. Not good Nancy, not good at all. So even with the debt owed, bad credit, the way too high car lease payment, the downsizing and renting, and all the other non-ending negative factors that have come into my life, it is not longer due to my past marriage, but due to the choices I've made. I made it so and for good reasons. And if for nothing else, to build more character!

I love my life! and loving my life means taking the amazing with the awful, the awesome with the suck. and I choose to take it all. I and only I, made the choices that led me here today. and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I am so so thankful for this life, my life.

life is good

la vie est belle

May I be forever blessed with the awesome, sucky, amazing and awful things in my life.

I love this crazy, tragic,
Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautiful life!

the crap line of my life ends now gosh darn it

So as I promised last June in my blog called Mental Toughness, here is the crap line of my life.

Without being dramatic or seeking pity, here's the crap line of my life. Let's start with the BEST day of my life....

Oct. 4, 2005 -> best day of my life - Mathew is born
Jan, 2006 -> my husband of 6 years says he's not happy. Why? he says, "I don't know."
Jun, 2006 -> my husband leaves us and wants a divorce
Oct. 2006 -> the husband who walked out on his family finally has his son sleepover for the first time
Nov. 2006 -> I travel to Hawaii for some needed healing (without Mathew)
Nov. 2006 -> Grand epiphany - "I'm grateful that he left me"
Dec. 2006 -> I discover that the husband has a live-in girlfriend and he finally filed the divorce paperwork (interesting timing)
Feb. 2007 -> my dog, Harley, bites another dog, leading to that dog's death
Mar 2007 -> lost the animal court case, fined for animal biting
June 2007 -> the divorce is finalized, my name is back
Aug 2007 -> the ex-husband tells me his girlfriend is 5 months pregnant
Sept. 2007 -> I vacation to Spain (without Mathew)
Oct. 2007 -> I met a guy, and started falling in love
Nov 2007 -> the ex-husband marries his now 8 month pregnant girlfriend in the courthouse
Dec. 2007 -> my boyfriend moves in with us (i know, i know...it was quick)
Jun. 2008 -> got my first tattoo
Sep. 2008 -> my little brother, Philippe gets married
Sep. 2008 -> my boyfriend leaves us and doesn't look back
Sep. 2008 -> we find out my mother has cancer in her kidney
Nov. 4, 2008 -> my mom is cancer-free!
Jan. 2009 -> tried e-harmony. fail.
Feb. 2009 -> the ex-husband tells me he just bought a 5 bedroom house with a pool and asks to lower child support in the same conversation. Few days later, he asks me to stop communicating with his family
Feb. 2009 -> I have a new boss
Apr 2009 -> I make the hardest decision in my life. Harley is given up for adoption.
Aug 11, 2009 -> worst day of my life - my big brother, Robin passes away
Sept 2009 -> get my second tattoo in memory of my brother Robin
Nov 2009 -> the ex-husband tells me his wife is 8 months pregnant (only cause Mathew figured it out and told me)
Jan 2010 -> tried online dating again. fail.
Feb 2010 -> stopped paying my mortgage - I owe double the value of what my house is worth and want out of this past life.
Mar 2010 -> take Mathew to Canada to see snow
May 2010 -> get served, foreclosure lawsuit on my house (I have a short-sale contract pending)
May 2010 -> take week long vacation to Disney (mostly for me)
June 21, 2010 -> went sky diving for my brothers would be 40th birthday
August 2010 -> buyer for my short sale house withdraws contract
August 11, 2010 -> one year anniversary of my brother's death

Sept. 2010 -> work woes begin
Oct. 2010 -> Bear, our family dog passes away
Nov. 2010 -> Second buyer of my short sale declined meeting the Banks financial numbers.
Dec. 29, 2010 -> Third Buyer of my short sale house withdraws contract

Dec. 30, 2010 -> Visit the happiest place on Earth with Mathew (magic kingdom)

and now...
2011 -> the beginning of a new life line! =)

are you big enough?

I dated.

I loved.

I married.

I mothered.

I divorced.

I dated.

I loved again.

I don't date.

I am a single mom.

In my life lessons, I grew stronger and more independent.

With every passing moment, I wonder if I could let love in again.

I've built a life around me that only needs my two grounded feet.

I know that I (and myself alone) can conquer anything life throws at me.

I've developed a preference to go it alone.

Even as a mother, I am so proud of my son that I don't want to share that parenting responsibility. I'm selfish.

My weakness is my strength.

My downfall is my resolve.

I know I want a life partner, who is my my best friend and my lover.

I don't know that I know how to let love in again.

I just know that I need someone bigger than me.

Are you big enough to be my man?

...and place no trust in tomorrow

This WAS me a few years ago (before my divorce)...

I am respsonsilbe, sensible, and predictable. I am the non-spontaneous planner with goals and objectives in life. I have the daily planners (now in technology format), with to-do lists and notes to self. I am overanalytical and indecisive. I strategize and create pros and cons lists and weigh every option. I am a control freak that needs to anticipate the outcomes in life. I have 5 year plans and fear the unknown of my future without proper planning and direction.

This WAS me after explorig the buddhists teachings (in the last few years)...

I am respsonible but take more risks. I am sensilbe but love to be unpredictable. I am spontaneous and dip my toes in the unkown. I go with the flow without set targets or plans. I still have to-do lists but don't fret. I don't weigh every option, I follow my heart's every little desire. I've let go of control and embrace life's unexpected turns. I have no idea where I will be in five years, except that I will be happy. I live in the moment not worrying about my future. I don't put off things for tomorrow if I can do them today. I live for the moment (and not just say it).

This WAS me in the last four months (since my brother passed away)...

I am even more adventurous and have taken uncalculated risks. I've splurged on expenses that take me beyond my comfort zone. I don't pass up on any opportunity or experience offered to me. I don't know how to put things off for tomorrow. I reel in excitement of the unknown. I stopped taking life seriously and accepted the things I can't change. I've forgotten how to strategize and plan for my future, I'm too busy living in the now.

This is me NOW:

I believe that where I came from and how I have gotten to where I am today is a nice blend of all of the above creating a harmonious, mindfulness, and balanced life. I have been given a gift, a chance, a ticket to change the course of my life and I am fully on board this new ride till the end. This new attitude, my new lifestyle, can be strongly attributed to my brother's recent death and my latest years of buddhist readings. Even my tattoo, intentionally designed to represent both, is a reminder of this new lifestyle I have come to learn, love, and embrace. Through these new set of rose-tinted glasses, I see that life is unpredictable, transient, and unfair, yet more importantly life is what you make it. I live consciously, rest in stillness, breathe in/breathe out, savor the present, go with the flow, accept suffering and let it go, observe and embrace the greater universe, and I live in the now, now, now!

Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero – "seize the day and place no trust in tomorrow"

...and place no trust in tomorrow

i am a minimalist

I am a minimalist.

And it all began with the divorce. Out goes the husband and so did a part of me (in a good way). But to understand this new me, you really have to grasp the concept of the old me too. I used to keep everything, stock up on everything, and horde everything! What was once the pack rat and keep-sake sentimentalist is no longer. I turned into a minimalist!

Once the dust settled and I got my life-bearings back, I started to get rid of stuff, I mean lots of stuff. It was cleansing and cathartic. I threw out more than several bags of just pictures, as well as books, travel momentum's, letters, cards, notes, dried flowers, post-its, gifts, ornaments, magnets, matches, corks, the list goes on and on. I donated sheets, blankets, towels, clothes, furniture, books, kitchenware, pantry items, tools, home decor, and 'this' list goes on too. I have sold furniture and unused new items on craigslist. I minimized everything you can imagine in my life. The release was so cleansing that I inadvertently let go of my squirrel instinct.

My home may not be dust and dirt free, but I can say it is clutter free. I grocery shop on a need basis. I do not buy in bulk (no more costco for me). I do not overfill my pantry. I hate wasting food or seeing food perish. I purchase paper goods and cleaning supplies only after I run out. I don't need to add clutter in my garage with supplies not in use. My goal is to fit my car inside the barely squeezable one-car garage...and I'm almost there. I throw out birthday cards and holiday cards after maybe a week of hanging it up...of course, if it has sentimental comments, I might just keep it in the one and only box I have left of sentimental memories. You really have to earn that space. I take digital pictures of all of Mathew's artwork and only keep a few favorites of the year. I wait to use the last drop of my shampoos, conditioner, lotion, gels, nail polish, make-up and such before buying more. So my bathroom is clutter free and sample free. Even Mathew's toys get donated. I ask him during my donation sprees, to pick toys that he'd like to donate to kids that are not as fortunate as him. He picks the toys he wants to donate and is happy to share them without regrets. He has even donated without prompting. I donate our clothes. We both have a scarce closet. I even have a scarce shoe collection...yes I do! And to conclude, but probably not complete the list, I am a minimalist even in my office. I am known for the most organized and efficient office in the department. I have very little paper files, I have digitized my office clutter. I know where everything is and everything can be found on my hard drives.

Anyhoot, three years (plus) later and I am still trashing, donating, and minimalizing. What can I say, I live a minimalist lifestyle. Minimalism is a style that is characterized by extreme spareness and simplicity. I'm not sure if this minimalist lifestyle is a compliment or something to aspire to, but I appreciate and love this lifestyle. Keep it simple stupid!

One thing to note: Don't mistake my minimalism for cheapness or plainness or even compulsiveness. I love to splurge on what matters to me (and Mathew). Mathew and I travel. Mathew has toys galore. We go out for dinners, disney parks, and shows. My home walls are all painted in colors (only white wall is ceiling). The walls are filled with picture frames, paintings, clocks, and Mathew's art work (see photo below). My home has flowers, magnets, candles, and decor. My kitchen has unnecessary appliances and fun gadgets. My bedroom does too (heehee). I have collections and boxes of photos. You get the idea...right?

I guess I was just posting this since I'm going through another purging spree. Although, to balance my lifestyle, I will go on a shopping spree for a new wardrobe. :)

Before I go, let me leave you with a quote and a picture:
"Simplicity means the achievement of maximum effect with minimum means." Albert Einstein


Mathew's cork board of artwork:
(click image to enlarge)


~sol

The Scarlet Letter

“Life is short, have an affair”
This is an advertising tag line for an online dating service geared towards married people. This is no joke! I took notice when I saw the commercial spot during the Super Bowl stating “when divorce is not an option.” Are you kidding me? I had to watch it again to be sure this was for real! It is unimaginable to conceive a business like this exists…oh, but it does! This company (which I’m intentionally not mentioning) is ultimately condoning and advocating affairs. Yes, affairs have been going on for centuries. But does this mean we should start condoning it and perceiving it as acceptable behavior. Have we no shame? No morals? No family values? Have we lost our minds? Adultery should be shameful, not appealing. Adultery is a sin, not a virtue.

What has the world come to when businesses our profiting off of shamelessly breaking up marriages, destroying homes and families, afflicting pain on innocent children, disregarding the values of marriage, and condoning all of it at the same time??? What about the television affiliates who are allowing this on air? Oh boy...where are we going from here?

What message are we sending to the kids who are watching these commercials or who read the billboards? Do we really want to start spreading the message that marriage is not sacred and that affairs are acceptable? We already live in a society with a divorce rate of over 50%. We are already losing site of decent moral behavior. Should we allow businesses to not only profit off of our humanity, our sins, but also to dictate our morals and values? This is disgraceful!

I’m beyond appalled, I’m sickened and agitated. There are so many different levels of wrong here…I just cannot go on any further! I’m truly heartbroken!

UGH!


Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I still have hope for our future, for our children. I still have faith. I still believe in ‘love conquers all’! All you need is love! Love is all you need!

eHarmony

I've only been in one serious relationship since my divorce...and that ended in August 2008. It set me back a little since the ending was very similar to my marriage. It seems I pick men that are willing to walk out and quit when things get hard for them. So my recent seclusion was partly overcoming this heartache. I usually need the alone time in situations like this, to cry, to talk to friends, listen to music (Rachael Yamagata's album "Elephants...Teeth Sinking into Heart" was the best break up album ever...it helped me get through it...big time), and mostly for self-reflection. I've learned a lot of things about myself, about what I want, and just life in general. The only problem is I started finding contentment in being alone. It is a good thing yet a scary thing just the same. I don't want to be alone my whole life...but I do love my own company (that was not intended to be a narcissistic comment, but I am great company).

So with heart healed and extremely guarded, I succumbed to online dating. I was never opposed to it. I just never thought it would come down to it. See, I would prefer meeting people in natural circumstances, chance, fate, or whatever you want to call it.

It was New Year's Eve, home alone, watching movies, and on the computer when I realized, as much as I enjoy a quiet night at home or movies by myself, I don't want this to become who I am (not long term). And the itch to socialize came back. I'm resolving to get back out there and socialize, date, and have a more personal life for ME. And eHarmony was my motivation, my kick in the ass!

So far it seems pretty interesting...to see them match you with people they think you are compatible with. I've been getting some good laughs. I've been communicating with a few, but have yet to meet face-to-face. I have to admit I am little anxious about that part of it. I'm ultimately looking for my life partner, but I want to have fun and take my time getting there. So we'll see. Que sera, sera!

In the meantime, to all my friends…keep sending the invites to all your outings…you might just start seeing me out again.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
What are your New Year's Resolutions, if any?
What did you learn in 2008 that you will do differently in 2009?

Friends

Friends: Best friends, good friends, acquaintances, worker friends, long lost pals, buddies, homie, whatever you want to call it…it boils down to one word FRIEND.

What does it mean to you to be a friend?

What does it mean to you to have a friend?

For me to be a friend entails intrinsic honesty, loyalty, and understanding. I give my friends all that I have and more if I could. Being a friend is the next best thing after being a mom. For me to have a friend means someone I can count on (even if I may never run to them), someone I can trust, and someone that even when they don't agree with me will support me till the end. I have been blessed with a bunch of friends.

Friends are better than family. There is no obligation in friendship. There is no shared blood, yet the kindred bond can be ten times stronger. There is no room to take a friendship for granted. Most importantly, you can truly learn the meaning of unconditional love from someone who doesn't have to love you. Friendship is voluntary. Family is mandatory and obligatory. There's no judging and no expectations. You don't get to your choose your family, but you get to pick your friends. I'm glad I have the bunch I picked because man, I don't know what I would do without them.

I have to give a shout out to some friends (which sounds like a great idea as I'm writing this, but I will probably without a doubt regret this, because I will most likely offend those I don't mention…sorry, you know I still love you):

Maylen: I've probably known her the longest of all my friends. She's my pretend cousin. All around school everyone thought we were family. We played up the hype so much that till this day she's still my cousin. And just like family, we barely see each other even though we live 30 minutes away. And just like family, our bond will never die. You're the best cous!

Maude: I've known her my whole life. This one actually is my cousin. She's on this list because my friendship with her means more to me than our blood relation. She could have never been related to me and I would have still picked her as my friend. Her level of understanding, compassion, and sympathy goes beyond any depths I know. We never grew up together and actually never really got close till our older years. Yet, our philosophies in life are so identical and our minds so connected. I would do anything for this girl, anything! Love you Maude!

Brian: I met him on a cruise when I was 15. We've been friends ever since. I love him more than he probably knows or realizes. He's been there with me all the way from losing my virginity to my divorce. I don't get to see him as much as I'd like, but hey we're both busy and crazy kids! Miss you Brian!

Carrie: My college tennis friend. At first, we probably hated each other. We were nothing alike. And now we appreciate our differences, look up to each other for the those differences. We just both get it. We're there for each other the way we know we need each other. Bottom line: she's my person. She's the first person I call to share my good or bad news. "She's my person...If I murdered someone, she's the person I'd call to help me drag the corpse across the living room floor...she's my person!" I love you, man!

Ali: My other college tennis buddy. We lost touch over some of the years, but reunited with a bang. She's my giggling crazy like oh my god valley girl friend! We have grown a movie night tradition that I never want to end, even though she's been living in Spain the last 3 years. Hey at least I have a place to stay when I visit in 2 weeks. This friendship will last forever! te quiero mujer!

Jeff: My College homecoming date (only 'cause I asked). Our friendship started in college, faded, than we worked together (I fired your girlfriend a month before Christmas), lost touch again, reunited on myspace, and now we get drunk together, have deep all night talks, and share way too much personal information. But what can I say, you're awesome! Love you jeffy-poo! P.S. Call me, I need to catch you up on a few things before I leave in two weeks. Or maybe weekday movie night a la casa de sol?

Lauren: She's my silly Italian New Yorker friend! She actually started out as my employee many years ago. She quit on me to move back to New York and well she's back in South Florida (but probably not for long). She is probably the one friend that is most like me in so many ways. We can start a conversation that literally would never end. Us girls can talk and talk! We need time limits…our conversations usually end in mid-thoughts since we don't know how to shut up! Oh and, I love her mom too!!!

Gina: My line dancing partner. I picked her up at a bar and literally (I swear) asked her "come here often?" From there, I later asked for her number and well we've been going line dancing Wednesday nights (and occasional weekends) for several years now. Our friendship doesn't end on the dance floor. We gripe about work, make fun of people, scope out the scenery (at the bar) and she is totally my reality check with a side of crazy! LOL! I'll miss you this Wednesday!

Michelle: 6 years as my employee, but the best of those years have been our growing friendship since our divorces (teehee). You're the one girl that can relate to me most when it comes to the boys! And although our styles are SO different, we are SO like (as much as we both probably don't want to admit it..Haha!) Thanks for listening to me pretty much everyday about my dating life. Thanks for the advice even though I usually never listen. Bare with me while I sift through all the male-drama to find the one man that gets me like you do. I love sharing our dating stories…too bad you are off the market again!

Bridget: I met her through my ex-husband years ago. She works with him in the same city and she's probably the only last mutual friend we have. And she handles it perfectly! You can find the two of us always laughing and at times gossiping. We always have drinks in our hand and now we're both single at the same time…watch out boys!!! I have to add she is the one person in the world that I've personally witness (on many occasions) stop the world to help someone she barely knows, not to mention me! She so has my back! She's also Harley's second mom. Gotta love her!

Denise: I met her in college…and I'd have to say she got on my nerves (more than once). Our friendship actually started after I told her off. For some reason, she found a true friend in me from my honest sincere bitchy words. While our friendship has some big holes over the years, it never diminished the value. Actually, she is what prompted me to write this blog about friendship. Denise, shut up and pester me all you want…you know I'll tell you to fuck off if I can't stand it anymore! Love you, bitch!

To all my other friends, here's your honorable mention (ouch that is so rude, huh? Read on, there's more that might lessen the sting a bit): Dave, Alana, Desiree, Natalie, Myra, Courtney, Sefchen, Greg, Jamie, Camile (my kindred spirit), Andrew, Rich, Jessica, Jim, Jodi, Lori, Martha, John and Parks, Lawrence, Rob, Sylvia, and newly made friends like, Giovanni and Chris…even myspace friends like Derek and Joe.

There are all kinds of friends out there. Some are always there on a daily basis and some are far away but always in your heart. Some you may talk to once a month or even once every 6 months. Some you see only once a blue moon. Either way, it doesn't define you any more or less of a friend. To me, if I call you a friend, you are my friend period! I don't need to call you my best friend or my closest friend. A friend is a friend. I love my friends, cherish them, and will always be there for them! My friends are part of who I am today and I am forever grateful for my friends. I will never take them for granted.

I love you, my beautiful friends!

Before I go, let me leave you with a quote from Voltaire:
"I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it."

This quote means so much more to me than what it simply states. This is what being a genuine friend implies…and now in being a mom too!!!

And one last friend quote I love:
"Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families."

Delicious Lemonade

I decided to make delicious lemonade today.

My ex dropped Mathew off this morning along with the bomb that changed everything. Right before he was leaving he said he had some news to share. I thought for sure he was going to tell me he was engaged to his girlfriend. Instead, he said "Mathew is going to have a brother or sister."
Let that sink in.

Yes, my ex-husband's girlfriend is pregnant.

Seriously, I now believe my life belongs on a soap opera and I definitely think I can write that book now.

I don't think there is a word to describe the expression I had on my face, mostly because there was no expression. It was just blank. I was not upset, jealous, scared, shocked or even surprised. In fact, most of you will find this odd until after I explain further, but I felt relieved. For the first time since he left me, I saw my ex-husband standing in front of me being "real." In as little words as possible, he was humble, worried, sad, and scared. He was "real." What can I say? I didn't say much. My poor ex-husband left his wife and newborn son to live a life without the responsibilities of a full-time dad. And now here he is less than a year later with a pregnant girlfriend. Isn't life full of ironies? I truly feel sorry for the life and path he has chosen (even if they were mistakes). I don't think I've processed this news in its entirety and for sure it will present new and challenging circumstances in my life. None that I can't handle. But in the end, I feel relief. Why, you might ask?

I'm not sure anyone can understand what I mean, but let me try to explain, it goes something like this:

This new chapter in his life puts an end to the chapter of my life with him. While he's moving backwards, I am moving forwards. I'm at the perfect place in life. I would not ask for anything more. And in his rare moment of being a genuine soul, he revealed remorse and regret, all the while I was feeling relieved. The enormous waves in my life have evaporated to a mere droplet of water. All the unanswered questions and doubts, the not understanding why are forever vanished. The speculations of his departure are finally verified. My insecurities don't exist anymore. The "life is not fair" bit is not longer my bit. And the devil inside of me tastes the bitter sweet revenge. I witnessed life coming full circle, karma. I may have accepted the unresolved finality of my divorce, yet the questions, lack of understanding, and doubts were never far from my thoughts. And somehow with this piece of information, it gave me the liberation and closure I thought I would never find. All of this is why I feel relieved…among other unexplainable emotions.

Please don't mistake my feeling of relief for vengeance. I feel sorry for him. I never wished my ex-husband ill-well, but nor did I wish him greatness. And now that he is in this situation, it just gets me to thinking…about life, happiness, and destiny. I marvel in the creation of our own destiny. How our actions and decisions in life can dictate your destiny. More amazingly, how someone else's actions can impact your life in the most positive transforming way. Fate and happiness is in your own hands.

It is truly inspiring when you can actually witness life changes in action. It gives you validation for everything you might question in life. I look forward to seeing how life continues to transpire in front of my eyes and how I decide to manage it. I am glad that I do not take my life for granted and that I appreciate all that I have and don't have.

Today my world changed…someone else's actions impacted and will continue to cause ripples in my life tremendously. I choose to make it a positive transformation. I chose to make more delicious lemonade in my life!!!

I truly hope my ex-husband discovers how to find what he is looking for, to make better choices in his life for himself, and to allow happiness to enter his heart soon. I wish him all the best!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I implore you to ponder some of your life's decisions and how they impacted you (or even someone else's actions that affected you). Then reevaluate how the same decision could have influenced your life differently just by a different state of mind, a conscious decision, a choice. Command your own fate and make lemonade!

Drama Queen

I feel like my life has been one drama story after the next. I am starting to feel like the kind of friend that only likes to talk about themselves. How annoying, right? I am the newly crowned drama queen!

Current drama (condensed version): Social Security Card Office lost my application packet, along with original passport, original social security card, and original divorce decree. So not only am I back to square one in reverting my name back, but I have at least 10 more things to do; protect my identity, report a lost passport, pay for a new one, obtain a new certified divorce decree at the Courthouse, and personally walk and WAIT in a social security office to re-apply for a name change on my social security card. Argh!!!!! My life seems like it's on this roll of shit, crappy luck! Does it ever end? When will my luck start to change? It's gotta go up from here, right?!

The answers from the wise one's around me: One day, you will laugh about it. Or it only makes you stronger. Or it could be a lot worse. God won't give you something you can't handle. Keep your chin up. You've come this far. You've got your health. Blah, blah, blah…just let me have my ten minute drama queen bitch session!

I understand life is never easy. It's how we handle, react, respond, and deal with our circumstances that determine our quality of life. I'd like to think I handle adversity quite well. But that doesn't mean I can't have my emotional breakdowns or my grumpy moods. At my breaking point this week, I wanted to jump off a cliff. Now that I'm leveled off, I just want to hug my son!

In the best of times and in the worst of times
gotta keep looking at the skyline
not at a hole in the road
lyrics from song by Johnny Clegg & Savuka

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
The one thing that frees me of life's stresses and worries is my son. When he's with me all the troubles around me lose their existence. All I need is my pookie. He's my savior!

Free Bird

It is finally official! I am divorced and my name is restored back to Nancy A. It's time to celebrate!

For those of you that are not sure what to say...Congratulations is perfectly fine!

Here's to a new chapter in my life, new beginnings, new starts…

Before I go, let me leave you with these quotes:

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity." - Gilda Radner

"Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?" - Fergie song: Big Girls Don't Cry

Sometimes things will fall apart in order for other things to fall into place.

Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

What appears to be the end may really be a new beginning.

Quickies

Here are some quick updates:

• Divorce will be finalized tomorrow morning. I will officially be Nancy A. I have to go to the court house to request for my name change. My lawyer is costing me a small fortune.
• For those that want to join me for a drink and/or a dance, I'll be at Round Up tomorrow celebrating my first "true" night of Freedom (at last)!
• I went to the Kenny Chesney concert this weekend. It was awesome! Sitting 20 rows from the stage...can't beat that. Sugarland (one of the opening acts) was amazing. I had tears in my eyes! The tailgating was tons of fun too! Good times with good friends!!!
• I finally finished The Pillars of the Earth book...it was a more of a relief than a happy ending. Ali, I did love the book, it just took me forever to finish!!! Thanks! See you in September, although ticket not purchased yet.
• Oh, for those of you that don't know, I'm planning a trip to Spain in September.
• I have this humongous bruise on my knee (I think it's my all time record of biggest bruise ever). It's from a week ago and it's still purple. Mathew definitely gets the clumsiness from me...he walked into a chair last week and bruised his eye. Scared the crap out of me. But he's good, just bruised like his mom.
  

Before I go, let me leave you with this:

Save the date: Friday June 29th
Pole Dancing Divorce Party (GIRLS ONLY)
My House
I will confirm with you the date and details, as soon as possible!

Save the date #2: Saturday June 30th
Celebrating My Freedom
ALL are welcome to join
Hard Rock Casino
Again, details will be coming shortly.

Ms. Nancy Sol A.

I changed my mind (see I'm a girl I can do that and I seem to do that a lot lately).

I've been telling everyone that I was keeping my married name (Hughes) for the sake of Mathew and until he got older. Truthfully, I just didn't want to have a different last name from my son. I felt like I would lose my sense of maternity. Silly, I know! But, in the recent weeks, I've come to realize that I really don't want to keep my married name. I don't think I ever wanted to keep his last name and now I realize I really have no need to. My son will always be Mathew Hughes, but he will also always be MY SON. No matter what name I have. I'm not married anymore and so I don't want my married name anymore. Carrying his name has been an oppressive weight on my shoulders. I hate saying my name, typing my name, signing my name, logging in with my name, seeing my name...it's just a constant reminder of his betrayal. I don't need to carry his betrayal around with me. What he did to me has nothing to do with who I am. I need to move forward and not live with the past. I'm done with Mrs. Hughes, I'm taking back Ms. A. As soon I get the official divorce papers, I will start the painstaking process of changing my name on ALL my documents back to Ms. Nancy A.

And no, the divorce is not finalized yet! Trust me, you will all know as soon as I know. It should not be much longer.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
My name is Nancy, not Nance.
My son's name is Mathew with ONE "T." It's not Matt, Matty, or Hank.

Have you ever asked your friend Daniel if he prefers Daniel or Dan or Danny? Did you consider that Lawrence might prefer Lawrence despite everyone calling him Larry? Why is an extra syllable (or two) such a difficulty when calling people by their names? And why do parents add the sound "eeeee" to their child's name like Marky, Mikey, Danny, Matty, Lizzie, Sammy. YUK! Why do we feel the need to alter, abbreviate, or mutilate our original names?

I'm all about the original names. The originals are best: Jonathon, William, Daniel, Lawrence, Jacob, Michael, Joshua, Anthony, Christopher, Jessica, Jennifer, Angela, Emily, Isabella, Melissa, Samantha, Alicia...

And come to think of it the original everything is always better: the original movie, the original flavor, the original store, the original song, the original pancake house...LOL.

Top 10 Reasons Why I Feel Old

10. I have arthritis (in all my major joints).
9. I use coupons for grocery shopping.
8. I wake up at the crack of dawn even when I don't have my son.
7. I'm in bed by 10 p.m.
6. I wear bikini or boy short underwear (rarely thongs).
5. I called my neighbor at 3 a.m. to tell them their music was too loud on a Friday night.
4. I was the only sober & dry person at the slip 'n slide house party that lasted till 2 a.m.
3. I was hit on by a 23 year old boy and felt like his mother.
2. On Saturday night, I was hanging out at a bar with a 60 yr. old something couple & had a great time.

And the number one sign:
1. I found my first strand of gray hair.

Before I go, let me leave you with my current predicament:
Where does a divorced-single mom meet a real man?

And NO WAY!!! I'm not signing up on those online dating services. I'm not that desperate yet. (The operative word being yet! LOL)

Ahhhh - So Smooth

Don't you love the feeling of clean, smooth, glowing, white teeth against your rubbery, wet tongue after a good, deep hard cleaning?

No, that was not intended to be sexually explicit! Although maybe it was a subconscious desire...hmmmm.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I'm going through the big D and don't mean Dallas.

The Divorce should be finalized soon. So girls, get ready for Nancy's Divorce Pole-Dancing Party! Holla if you're interested. Details to come after final divorce notification.

Stepmom

While I was home alone for the holidays this weekend, my son was with his father and "new" girlfriend. I don't know how "new" she is, but apparently she is in Mathew's life more than I would like any other woman to be. I didn't get to spend Christmas with Mathew. Yet, some other woman did! I'm not handling this very well. The thought of Mathew and this other woman spending quality time is too much to bare. I don't know if I ever will be able to come to grips with this idea of Mathew eventually having another "mom" in his life. It's not fair that the man who walked out on his family, can start a new one and impose possibly a second mom into Mathew's life. That is not fair! He is MY son. On the other hand, why do I find it reasonably okay with Mathew spending time with men in my life (which by the way has not happened yet)? I didn't choose this life. And now I have to deal with these new ideas of family; step-moms, step-children, ex-husbands, and ex-in-laws. I just can't handle it. I can't accept it. I can't look at my son and think there will possibly be another mother figure in his life. And the worst part is that I have no control over it. It will happen and I will hate it. And it will be the worst feeling in the world. He doesn't need another mom. He doesn't need anyone but ME. It is one thing to deal with a divorce, but to deal with this...no way! It hurts too much.

How can a mom sit idly by and watch her son develop a relationship with a woman who is not needed in his life and is only brought into his life because of some selfish decision his father made?

I know I am not the first to go through this and definitely won't be the last, but does that make it okay? Am I ever going to accept a second mom in Mathew's life? How do I deal with this?

Before I go to play with my son, let me leave you with this:
Mathew is...
My joy.
My life.
My world.
My everything.
I can't imagine life, my life without him in it.

Disconnect

Definitions for understanding this blog:
World = people and all man made things
Earth = Mother Nature and all things natural

Ever want to just disconnect?

Today I want to disconnect from this world. Escape all senses of reality. No emotions. No feelings. No responsibilities. No world around me. Just me with nothing and earth. I want to disconnect from the world around me, but absorb the earth itself. Absorb nature, beauty and all its natural possessions. Too many distractions; like earthlings, technology, and cars. Walked tonight to escape and disconnect. I just wanted peace, silence, solitude, nothingness. Just Disconnect. Absorb sunset of orange and pink, admire looming rain clouds and a crescent moon, hear birds chirping, and watch water ripples from the crisp breeze and sense the coolness on my skin... Yet, with all of that, there's just no leaving this world. It's just always there. Interrupted by the beeps from construction trucks in reverse. Cars and loud bikes. Horns and sirens. And earthlings!!! Can you really ever disconnect from the world or are you always bound to this world with all its earthlings till death? For life? Ironic how in this world we (earthlings) create this ceremonious binding contract called marriage and announce our love "till death do us part" as if it has any meaning or value. What value does it have if you can easily disconnect in a marriage, it's called a divorce. But this earth we live in...is the only true binding contract we will ever enter "till death do us part" (even if not by choice). Yet, we ruin earth by trying to make it our own world, forgetting it's not for ours to keep. We never appreciate the little intricacies of earth, Mother Nature. Mother Nature never divorces us, never deserts us...it's all around us. The unconditional love that exists is in everything around us. Take a moment to disconnect from this world and reconnect with this earth.

All I need is fleeting moments of disconnect. Not a divorce from this world, just moments of escape. Are there too many distractions? Maybe in Hawaii I will find my disconnect. If not, I always have it in my mind.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I had an emotional day.
Tears
Laughs
Deep breaths
Sighs
Pilates
Walks
Long talks
Cramps
Exhaustion
Self-reflecting
Looking for my 30 minutes of disconnect

New Attitude

I've come to the point where I don't think I want him back. How can I take him back? Why am I fighting for him still? He's not the man I love anymore. Just let him go. Let him be happy. Give him what he wants a divorce.

"I want a man by my side not a boy who runs and hides." - Kelly Clarkson, Walk Away

Before I go to visit my baby at daycare, let me leave you with this:
Fear is only temporary, but regret is forever.
He will learn this the hard way.

My Day

Let me start off with a Mathew update:

Mathew's tooth is breaking through on the other side. I can see a little white cap and feel a sharp edge. He's also on his hands and knees ready to crawl, but hasn't quite figured out how to move his hands forward. Today was his last day of mommy and me class (for 0 – 3 months). In class today, he did the cutest thing. He was in this play area with another girl and he kept reaching for her. The cute part was that he was reaching for her with his mouth open like he wanted to kiss her. He would finally grab her shirt and put his mouth on her. I think he just wanted to put her in his mouth like he puts everything else in his mouth, but I'd like to think he was giving her kisses (get your mind out of the gutter- we're talking about babies here). Anyway, he loves these classes so I signed him up for the next session 6 – 9 months.

After class, my girlfriend (Lauren) and I went to the spa. I got a manicure and pedicure. The place was nice. It was relaxing not having to worry and tend to someone else (even if it was only for a couple of hours). I need more time like that.

My girlfriend (Carrie) and I had an enlightening conversation about men tonight. Without going into many details, we believe all men come with broken parts. Being in a relationship is hard work, and I think it's worth it. It's a women's job to sculpt the broken pieces. My husband calls it nagging. Ha! No really, some things come easy while other things are real difficult. But you get through them as a couple by communicating openly and honestly. No relationship is perfect or what you expect it to be. All relationships will have its downs, but think you wouldn't get to enjoy the ride back up. So take the downs in strides and enjoy the ride back up! Love is worth it all!

Before I go to milk the cow, let me leave you with these quotes I found about marriage:

Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate. ~Barnett R. Brickner

More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse. ~Doug Larson

In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage. ~Robert Anderson