While I was home alone for the holidays this weekend, my son was with his father and "new" girlfriend. I don't know how "new" she is, but apparently she is in Mathew's life more than I would like any other woman to be. I didn't get to spend Christmas with Mathew. Yet, some other woman did! I'm not handling this very well. The thought of Mathew and this other woman spending quality time is too much to bare. I don't know if I ever will be able to come to grips with this idea of Mathew eventually having another "mom" in his life. It's not fair that the man who walked out on his family, can start a new one and impose possibly a second mom into Mathew's life. That is not fair! He is MY son. On the other hand, why do I find it reasonably okay with Mathew spending time with men in my life (which by the way has not happened yet)? I didn't choose this life. And now I have to deal with these new ideas of family; step-moms, step-children, ex-husbands, and ex-in-laws. I just can't handle it. I can't accept it. I can't look at my son and think there will possibly be another mother figure in his life. And the worst part is that I have no control over it. It will happen and I will hate it. And it will be the worst feeling in the world. He doesn't need another mom. He doesn't need anyone but ME. It is one thing to deal with a divorce, but to deal with this...no way! It hurts too much.
How can a mom sit idly by and watch her son develop a relationship with a woman who is not needed in his life and is only brought into his life because of some selfish decision his father made?
I know I am not the first to go through this and definitely won't be the last, but does that make it okay? Am I ever going to accept a second mom in Mathew's life? How do I deal with this?
Before I go to play with my son, let me leave you with this:
I can't imagine life, my life without him in it.