While I was home alone for the holidays this weekend, my son was with his father and "new" girlfriend. I don't know how "new" she is, but apparently she is in Mathew's life more than I would like any other woman to be. I didn't get to spend Christmas with Mathew. Yet, some other woman did! I'm not handling this very well. The thought of Mathew and this other woman spending quality time is too much to bare. I don't know if I ever will be able to come to grips with this idea of Mathew eventually having another "mom" in his life. It's not fair that the man who walked out on his family, can start a new one and impose possibly a second mom into Mathew's life. That is not fair! He is MY son. On the other hand, why do I find it reasonably okay with Mathew spending time with men in my life (which by the way has not happened yet)? I didn't choose this life. And now I have to deal with these new ideas of family; step-moms, step-children, ex-husbands, and ex-in-laws. I just can't handle it. I can't accept it. I can't look at my son and think there will possibly be another mother figure in his life. And the worst part is that I have no control over it. It will happen and I will hate it. And it will be the worst feeling in the world. He doesn't need another mom. He doesn't need anyone but ME. It is one thing to deal with a divorce, but to deal with this...no way! It hurts too much.
How can a mom sit idly by and watch her son develop a relationship with a woman who is not needed in his life and is only brought into his life because of some selfish decision his father made?
I know I am not the first to go through this and definitely won't be the last, but does that make it okay? Am I ever going to accept a second mom in Mathew's life? How do I deal with this?
Before I go to play with my son, let me leave you with this:
Mathew is...
My joy.
My life.
My world.
My everything.
I can't imagine life, my life without him in it.
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2 comments:
For some reason I am reading your blogs backwards, but it's nice. I just want to say that as stepmom's are touchy at best. i don't know how you feel about it now, but I want to assure you (as I have already had 2 and probably will have another one soon enough) that at no age or time in life will 'she' ever be better, more beautiful or more important than mommy. Trust me, it's so much better for Matthew if he at least likes her or gets along with her and that relationship will always only be friendly, or like an auntie at most. But if they are at war, or if she does not love him it's the worst torture you could ever watch your son go through and he will forever wonder if his daddy loves him enough. This all sounds so hard and I commend you on your bravery and self-expression. I can only hope to be so brave!
Thanks heather...I assume this is the "parks" heather. I'm not as worried as I was back when I wrote this. I think they have a good enough relationship where I don't have to worry. He also has a half-sister now. She is one and I'm interested to see the dynamics of all this unfold. I told Mathew's dad that the sister is always welcomed in my home. so we'll see. I think for the most part, I'm handling it like a mature grown up...yes, I put my big-girl panties on!
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