My Letter to Mathew

Dear Mathew,

This message is for you to read anytime, all the time, and forever!

don't ever be sad while I'm away or not near, because I'm always with you in your heart
every time the sun rises to meet the day, think of me greeting you with a morning kiss
every time the moon shines good night, think of me holding you warm and tight
for every laugh you have, i'm laughing right with you (even if I don't get it)
for all your proud moments I might miss, remember I'm always proud of you near or far

and throughout the day for the rest of your life, remember i'll always be on your little shoulder or in your little pocket to tell you these beautiful things:

be strong. be brave. have fun. smile. laugh often. live life grande. dance like no one is watching. sing in the shower. do handstands. be kind. be thankful. be mindful. be soulful. do everything with love. stay positive. follow your dreams. dream big. be silly. be a kid. get dirty. go outside. breathe in. breathe out. find your inner peace. don't worry. be happy. keep it simple. strengthen your mental toughness daily. keep your integrity. be responsible. focus. be safe. have adventures. work hard. play harder. look up. admire earth. enjoy the little things. life is all about the little things. do your best. respect others. say please and thank you. use sir and ma'am. give compliments. spread love. be compassionate. rise above. stand tall. be proud. be a good friend/brother. take naps. close your eyes and listen to the world. use your imagination. think of six impossible things everyday. daydream. see the beauty in this world. relax and enjoy. fear is fake. wake up with a smile. choose happiness. choose love. focus on the good. let it go. reach for the stars. listen carefully. admit mistakes. learn. read. grow. stay calm. believe. everything changes. life is not fair, but that's okay. your attitude is everything. live life. love life. every second of it.
life is beautiful and so are you!

you are stronger than you know, braver than you believe, smarter than you think, more capable than you ever dreamed, and you are loved more than you can possibly imagine. and that's a lot cause I know you have a huge imagination.

i already miss you. 

and in case you foolishly forget, i am never not thinking of you and loving you!

this is from your one and only, #1, favorite, bestest MOM in the whole wide world!
and this is for her most favorite person of all time in the history of ever, MATHEW!

you are my light, my life, my love...

❤ MOM ❤

confession of a mother

on mother's day 2014, i'd like to make a confession. here it goes.
i hate mother's day.
there i said it.

yes, i'm a mother of an 8 year old boy and a step mother to 7 and 10 year old boys.

i don't want only this day to tell me i'm the best mom.
i don't want flowers or gifts because the calendar tells you to buy it for me.
i don't need the pressure of having to do the same for all the mother's i know.
i can't go to my favorite restaurant anyway, it's a two hour wait.
i have to spend my day celebrating motherhood, without my two step sons.
i have to share this day with my mother and mother-in-law (no offense moms).

so why is this day so special? it just isn't. and it shouldn't be.

maybe i'm just lucky to have a family that shares their love and appreciation regularly.
maybe i'm just throwing a pity party for a day that i know will not be my own.
maybe it's the disappointments from the years long ago.
maybe it just pisses me off how it's another business holiday, not filled with true sentiments.

either way, i would prefer if this holiday just didn't exist.

i want everyday to feel like i'm a great mom,
because i'm a mom everyday for the rest of my life.
i want to feel like a great mom even on days i suck at it. those are the days i need it most.
i want drawings and flowers on random days. this is so much more specialer.
i want hugs everyday. period.
LUCKY ME, i do.
i am the luckiest mom in the world.


so to all the mother's out there:
happy mother's day, everyday but this one!
you are more special than just on today.

not guilty

not guilty, but not innocent
we have guilty people walking free
innocent people walking in heaven too soon

today,
i could be the mother watching the murderer of my son walk free
a child who did nothing wrong that day
it was not the wrong time and wrong place for him
yet one man's wrong actions towards him
and today that man has been given freedom
even if he stole a child's freedom (for no reason)

today,
justice does not seem to be fair
where is the common sense
i am sick to my stomach

today, 

the world doesn't make sense

i am heartbroken

the tears keep rolling

today,
i think of my boys
my innocent boys
i fear this world will swallow them up

today, is a sad day for everyone's freedom.
this is not the greatest country in the world
freedom, liberty, and justice - not for all

i am discouraged
i am losing hope
i can't stop crying
help me understand


**********
let me end with a quote from miami gardens mayor oliver gilbert: "Let us honor Trayvon by working together to build a world that never allows life to be lost to ignorance, indifference, or idiocy."

may there be peace on earth for all sooner rather than later
RIP Trayvon Martin

i couldn't really tell

i couldn't really tell

the birds sing and chirp
and sing marvelous songs,
but i'm sure they said something
but i couldn't really tell

the bears growl and groan
and hibernate for the winter
but i'm sure they said something,
but i couldn't really tell

snakes slither and hiss
and climb trees,
but i'm positive they said something,
but i couldn't really tell

~the end
poem by my 7 year old son, Mathew

to me, this poem is amazing. maybe i'm biased. but i don't care. i love it.
i am so happy that all those nights of reading shel silverstein has inspired him.
i'm such a proud mama!

baby daddy

my advice to all the mothers-yet-to-be:

don't worry about finding the perfect man or the man of your dreams.
worry more about finding the perfect father for your child or the dad of your dreams for your child.

Imagine this:
That moment when you see your ex for the first time after a break up. Knots in your stomach, sweaty palms, heart surging...what do you say? do you say hi or pretend you never saw him? do you say hi and act with no care in the world? With each encounter, the ex slowly fades away and the knots loosen up, the palms cool off, and the heart beats calmer. Before you know it, he's just a blip in your life map.  an ex is just an ex.

NOW Imagine this:
That same moment above; over and over and over again....for the life of your child. No matter the congeniality of the break-up...you still get the knots, sweat and surge for each, expected visit from your baby daddy. And you ask yourself: how did you ever end up with that guy? What were you thinking when you married him? How could you make a baby with that guy? Really? Seriously? Ewwww?!?!

dear mothers-yet-to-be:
please choose your baby daddy wisely
"an ex is just an ex, but a baby daddy is for life" - my quote

i urge you to ask yourself: is this the man i want to be as my ex AND my baby daddy? you know, would he be the ex husband that is an exceptional parent nonetheless? this is an important question to ask when dating.

Seek a perfect father and dad of your dreams for your child.
Your child and your future ex-self will thank you!

from personal experience,
a single mother (but not for long. cause i met the perfect father, the dad of my dreams for my child)

the opposite of bully

I could not find a true antonym for the word 'bully'. Could the opposite of a bully simply be a person that does NOT badger, tease, belittle, harass, or intimidate smaller or weaker people? I think not. To me the opposite of bully is kind.

Acts of bullying inspire suicide.
Acts of kindness inspire more kindness.

I'd like to share a story that I just learned about on the last day of my son's kindergarten year. It's a pretty amazing story and I will no doubt be doting on my son (so consider the source, an unbelievably proud mother).

I visited my son's school this morning for his last day of school. The classroom teacher presented a beautiful video of the school year and the kids shared poems and art work from their school year. At the end of this event, a mother approached me and asked me if I was Mathew's mother. After I told her yes, she then tells me how sweet and kind he was. That she never met a little boy that was as sweet as he. It is truly such an honor to hear that coming from another mother. After my gracious thank you's, she proceeded to tell me something much more incredible:

"Your son helped my daughter survive kindergarten!"

What?! How?! Really?!

She explains to me that her daughter cried almost every day for the first half of the school year. She had a difficult transition, since she was not in a full time school prior to kindergarten. My son (apparently) helped her every day, not just once. He told her things like "it's okay, don't cry." He told her "chicken" jokes and sang her silly made-up songs. I know this because the 6-year old girl told me herself. The mother was tearing up while telling me how my son was so good to her daughter. Of course, I start tearing up as my mind was blown away. As she is talking to me and we are getting to know our kids a little more, I witness the unique bond between the two of them. I see two little peas in a pod giggling and acting silly. It must have been my proudest moment thus far. She explained to me that in the course of the year she volunteered in the classroom and could tell that their bond was special, like cousins. The teacher told us that these two will be lifetime friends.

My son has single handedly changed the course of a little girls kindergarten experience for the better through simple acts of kindness. My son helped someone through a hard time. My son gave altruistically and compassionately with no motive, but kindness. My son created a true friendship at the young age of 6. Wether it lasts a lifetime or not, I think this little girl will always remember the little boy who helped her overcome a tough transition.

I remember my kindergarten experience where I came home crying often. Three little girls made fun of me because English wasn't my first language. I remember they were the opposite of kind. I can only now begin to imagine (thanks to my son) what my childhood experience would have been like if I had a little Mathew in my class by my side. This kid is amazing!

Remember, the antonym of bullying is kindness. Spread the love. Pay it forward.

"My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness."

My Heart is Full

Another morning commute conversation with Mathew:

So, this intro part is just a snippet of what we talked about, so I can get to the awesome ending faster.

On our way to school this morning, after a dentist visit, I told him how proud I was of him. He didn't even flinch when they gave him the "sleeping medicine" (also known as, the dreadful novacain shot). I went on to tell him how much I loved him and how "I'm proud of you more than all the proud moms put together." Then I told him, that "I am one lucky mom to have you as my son!" He replies by saying, "I'm the luckiest boy for having the best mom in the world!"

So here's where my heart bounces with joy and is overflowing with so much love, that all I can tell him is "you've touched my heart! my heart is full of love!"

Here's the good part:

Then he says,

"My heart is full of kisses...and all the medium kisses are for you."

I was like,

"WHAT?! Who gets the big kisses?"

He explains quite cleverly,

"The big kisses come out in a big bubble filled with small kisses and they fly over to all the people I love, even in heaven!"

I understand completely (I mean, how can I argue with that?!). I say, "Oh, well of course! Okay, I'll take all the medium kisses I can get."

dude, this kid melts my heart and amazes me every day!

a proud mama i am is an understatement

"maybe the world rules itself"

My morning commute conversation with Mathew:

Out of the blue, Mathew asks me "who rules the world? ...is it god?"

I said "some people think it's god."

Then mathew says "maybe the world rules itself!"

Oh, how I loved to hear that. But I was also so surprised to hear such a profound realization come out of my 5-year old son, so I had to ask him, "where did you hear that from?"

He said, "Nowhere, I just thought of it."

...the conversation continued on about presidents, rulers, kings, and such.

I love having these conversations with him!

P.S. some of you may have heard of this story (on facebook), but I had to add to my blog, after all, this is part of my memory bank

Shalom Israel

Two weeks in Israel; here are my tidbits, random thoughts, perceptions, and experiences (in no particular order):

My answer to “how was your trip?” - Beautiful!

The cities we visited: Tel Aviv, Eilat, Negev Desert, Netanya, Haifa, Acco, Tzfat, Hadera, Caesaerea, Tiberias, Jerusalem… pretty much all of Israel.

Israel is an inspiring country. I was impressed with its independence, its agriculture, its strength, and mostly for its fierce patriotism!

My favorite city: Jerusalem. I heart Jerusalem! I can’t really explain why, but it can have a lot to do with its history. The history and story of places are so appealing to me. And Jerusalem is one of the oldest cities in the world, so yea I kinda liked it!

My favorite historical site: Masada. I was in complete and utter admiration and respect for the construction, the location, the people, and the history of this place. A-Mazing!

My favorite museum (and the only one I went to): Yad Vashem, the Holocaust History Museum. It's hard to swallow the beauty of this museum when it's choking in the disturbing real artifacts, photos, and letters of the systematic extermination of the Jews during the war. Daunting. Sadness. Emotional. Absurd reality. An absolute must see/visit for the memory, testimonies, honor, and education.

My favorite tour: The Western Wall Tunnels. The Western wall we see is only an eighth of the original entire wall. The tour takes us underground to give us a better vision of the depth and size of the original wall. Unimaginable! Think: the largest stone (which is underground) is 44 feet long and 10 feet wide, weighing 570 tons. Imagine moving that stone two thousand years ago. Plus, on this tour, I was standing at the closest possible spot of the holy of holies, the most holy place.

The Western Wall: Walking up to this wall, I felt intimidated, not sure what to do or how to feel anything. Even for a non-religious person like me, I was hesitant to be in a holy place and not feel a connection. Standing at the wall, with a piece of paper in my hand (a previously written thought out prayer – maybe for another blog), I just started to cry with strong emotions and thoughts of Robin coursing through my heart and soul. I shoved my paper in the wall and walked away backwards. Now, I understand why they call it the Wailing Wall.

A moment of awe: I was standing in Israel at the border of Egypt, while able to see Saudi Arabia and Jordan. I was so awed by that moment of “almost” being in four countries at once. Oh how I would have loved to visit Jordan and Egypt!

Food - Yummo! The food was delicious, very much Middle Eastern style, which is what I grew up on. Israelis do love their salads. Salads galore!
Goldstar – Israeli dark lager beer
Chocolate –popping chocolate bar. It was so deliciously fun. It was like pop rocks but inside milk chocolate bar. How cool?! In fact, I’m eating the last of the Israeli chocolate I brought back as I write this.
Sunflower Seeds – the largest sunflower seeds ever! All produce in Israel was LARGE and in charge!
Zitoune – Olives. I love olives. Olives everywhere!
Mint tea – drank at least two glasses of mint tea a day.
McDonalds – They rule the world! McD’s in the middle of the Negev desert, nothing else in sight…seriously, I’m not kidding you. It was crazy when I saw McD’s in famous Europe cities like London, Madrid, Rome, but in the middle of the desert that just blew my mind away!

Beaches: They’ve got nothing on Maui beaches or even parts of Florida. I didn’t find the desire or need to spend time on Israeli beaches, but then again I have been to Maui! Can you even compare?

Bodies of water: My toes touched the Mediterranean Sea, the Red Sea, the Dead Sea, and the Sea of Galilee… collected rocks from each to place at Robin’s grave.

I’m a sucka for tourist shops; a total junkie. I love knick knacks and paddy whacks!

Mailed out postcards with three days left of vacation! Oh well, better late than never.

Transportation: We rented two itty bitty cars. We were a total of 8 people on this trip (a number, by the way, that’s too high for major travel excursions). It was 3 couples (one of which were my parents, the other two my uncles; then my cousin and I). Our car rides were bitter sweet. Hated the traveling drama, it was commuting hell. The running joke was that we couldn’t get to our destination without at least 2 u-turns. Not quite a funny joke to me. I didn’t mind catching up on my sleep, but wished the journey was just as interesting as our destinations…and it easily could have been. I wanted to stop for amazing views, to run through a field of sunflowers, take amazing sunset pictures, and just to absorb the journey. This is why I prefer to travel alone.

Highways: Super pristine clean! I never thought I would ever say that about a highway, but it’s true!

Camel ride: I rode a camel for the first time ever. They were smelly walking up to them, but while riding I didn’t smell a thing. They are such gentle creatures.

ATV ride: I rode an ATV for the first time ever in the Negev desert. My cousin, Asif, took me for a wild ride with wheelies and tires fighting to stay on the ground. So cool! I love that when I was asked if I wanted to go on this ride, I didn’t even hesitate. I thought, hell yeah, Robin would do it, so YES! Had you asked me 2 years ago, I might have said no entirely!

Israelis are horny! They drive horribly, park terribly and honk at every chance they get. Fuck! Enough with the honking! Geez, and I thought Miami was bad…ha!

Favorite Sign in Israel: Go In Peace
Other favorite sign: Shalom Y’all

Languages spoken on this trip: not all of which I speak; French, Moroccan Arabic, Hebrew, and my made-fun-of Frenglish!

Quotes of the trip:
“Ofaqim” – a city in the Negev desert that when we got lost in that town, we used the city name as an expression of “Oh Fuck him/it!” It was used a lot.
“Sababah” – a Hebrew word taught to us by family. The meaning is for a variation of “it’s all good” or “no worries.” It can be used in any format. It started becoming similar to a “woosa” mantra for car #2.
“Il n’y a rien a dire” – a French phrase used by my uncle Prosper at least a dozen times a day. It means, “There is nothing else to say about it.” My uncle overused it so much, that I used it in opposite meaning, in sarcastic tones.
“Sleha” – In Hebrew, it means, “excuse me” but in Arabic the word sounds like you are saying a bad word.
“Serenity Now!” – a quote I used a million times in silence. Thank you George Costanza’s dad.
“Toda Raba” – in Hebrew means Thank you!

I learned that high school drama never ends even in old age. Oy Vey! I hated high school and to think I have to live through it the rest of my life is dreadful. I wish people would just grow up so I don’t have to live through my high school years again. Ridunculous!

11:11 was everywhere on this trip. At first, I was able to keep track of the few instances I encountered 11:11, but by the end of the trip I couldn’t keep up even in my journal. Robin was with me on this trip. He was not just on my mind and in my heart; he was literally there with me in spirit. It was crazy good!

My nickname on this trip: Trucker! My cousin Annie kept calling me a trucker. I’m sure you can imagine why…I curse a lot…shocker! I curse in public places, in private places, in holy places, and in front of anyone with no shame…maybe a little shame, but only cause of the reactions I see. Cursing is a release! It’s like screaming on the top of your lungs! If I could scream instead of curse, I would! But I mean a scream like in the Garden State scene when they scream into the infinite abyss while standing on top of an old yellow caboose in the rain…yea, like that. Would I look crazier screaming or cursing?! I’d probably scream curse words anyway…

Weather: A freak of nature! Best time of the year for weather, that’s what we were told. There’s no rain and mild heat. NOT
“There are seldom any rainy days at all from May through September” it says in my travel book. It rained twice while I was there. And a major, Florida-summer like thunderstorm one night. Seriously?! “seldom any rainy days at all” my ass!
Also, add to the fact that it was COLD, like freezing Canada cold almost every night. I borrowed jackets and scarves and even a winter jacket one night. I mean seriously, isn’t it supposed to be Africa-hot?!

Holidays/Events:
Mother’s Day - Spent my first mother’s day without Mathew. It never felt like mother’s day that day anyway. I got to spend Mother’s day the day after I returned. I love being a mama! And being away from Mathew for 2 weeks was hard, but I do have to tell you we both handled it extremely well. Our love is healthy and loyal. We have nothing but confidence in each other’s love. Amazed!
Israel’s Independence Day – celebrated by hanging out at the beach with my cousin and eating the best falafel ever on the streets of Netanya
Nakba Protests - marks the anniversary of the founding of the state of Israel in 1948, a day many Palestinians call "nakba," meaning "catastrophe." Eight people were reported killed that day in separate incidents. And there I was in Israel hearing fighter jets, military helicopters, ambulances, and UN vans roaring by all day long. To say I was worried is an understatement!

Favorite worthwhile part of the trip: meeting family I didn’t even know existed. Rachel, Yaelle, Leah, Yaala, Avital, Bathen, Shimron, Livni, Menachem, Ruthy, Sylvia, Yaacov, and more! <3

Things I didn’t get to do: Plant a tree in my brother’s name!

Hebrew quote for my boyfriend: ani ledodi vedodi li = I am my beloved and my beloved is mine (Song of Songs-Psalm 6:3) <3

So this is just a fraction of what I experienced while in Israel. I have so much more to say about my trip to Israel, some too simple to include, some probably forgotten, and some intentionally left out for the greater good. Got questions? Ask!

Here are just a few of my favorite pictures…Trying picking 3 out of 938 photos taken.

(click to enlarge)

(my cute camel taking me for a ride)

(love my new found family in Israel)

(overlooking the yehuda desert and dead sea with Jordan in sight)

i have morbid thoughts

I have morbid thoughts

always have

they sweep through my mind

and take residence

they consume every part of me

evicting me from my own mind

with motherhood, my morbid thoughts multiplied

my mind, a breeding ground

producing constant fear and worry

lack of control

luring tears and shaking fits

it is a wonder, i survive

with age and lessons learned, I still have morbid thoughts

fleeting though

moving in only on temporary notice

barely noticeable

as i breathe

as i meditate

serenity, courage, wisdom

the morbid thoughts crawling away on all fours

except....

in the last couple days, i continue to have morbid thoughts

dwelling in my mind

strengthening in my weakness

my biggest fear of leaving my son motherless

in a selfish act of traveling alone

anxiety, stress, dread

breathing, meditating

a facade that my morbid thoughts see right through

they've invaded completely

a horrifying world of morbid thoughts

with courage, i'm fighting

with determination, i'm winning

to manage these thoughts

and expel them from my mind

I demand to feel excitement for my journey to Israel

so i say to my morbid thoughts,

tonight you die!

(is it okay to think morbid thoughts about my morbid thoughts?)

~sol

some quotes:
...worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.
...for peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe.
...troubles are a lot like people - they grow bigger if you nurse them.

Mathew Lines Again

It just keeps getting better...

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways Mathew tells me:

• You make me happy
• I don't want you to have anymore birthdays. I don't want you to get old.
• I'll eat you up, I love you so (some of you may know where that one comes from)
• Je t'aime beaucoup
• I love you more
• I love you most
• I love you shinier than the shiniest jewel
• You're very sweet mama, like a lollipop. lollipops are the sweetest, but I won't eat you up.
• You are the best mom of all moms. why? cause you're my mom
• You are the queen of all moms
• I have the biggest heart for you in the whole wide world
• I got everything I needed for my birthday
• I'm your husband, right?!
• I love you all the way to heaven and back

Other quotes from Mathew:

• ‎Mathew came home from school with at least a dozen drawings. When I asked him why do you have so many drawings, he said "because I'm an artist!"
• ‎Mathew asked the nurse if he's getting a shot. She said "don't think about it." Then I asked mathew if he knows what that means...he said "I AM going to get one"
• "It's the circle of life mama" Mathew says to me after we talked and cried over Bear going to heaven.
• Me: "Why are you crying Mathew?" Mathew: "I don't want you to be alone for xmas."
• Do you know what I want for christmas from your house? I just want love!
• you're killing me smalls (quote from "The Sandlot" movie)
• can your tummy make another baby

This is my fourth blog post of Mathew Lines.
Here are the first three;

1. Mathew Lines

2. Mathew Lines - Part Deux

3. Mathew Lines - Part tres

May I be blessed to have a lifetime supply of Mathew Lines!

the crap line of my life ends now gosh darn it

So as I promised last June in my blog called Mental Toughness, here is the crap line of my life.

Without being dramatic or seeking pity, here's the crap line of my life. Let's start with the BEST day of my life....

Oct. 4, 2005 -> best day of my life - Mathew is born
Jan, 2006 -> my husband of 6 years says he's not happy. Why? he says, "I don't know."
Jun, 2006 -> my husband leaves us and wants a divorce
Oct. 2006 -> the husband who walked out on his family finally has his son sleepover for the first time
Nov. 2006 -> I travel to Hawaii for some needed healing (without Mathew)
Nov. 2006 -> Grand epiphany - "I'm grateful that he left me"
Dec. 2006 -> I discover that the husband has a live-in girlfriend and he finally filed the divorce paperwork (interesting timing)
Feb. 2007 -> my dog, Harley, bites another dog, leading to that dog's death
Mar 2007 -> lost the animal court case, fined for animal biting
June 2007 -> the divorce is finalized, my name is back
Aug 2007 -> the ex-husband tells me his girlfriend is 5 months pregnant
Sept. 2007 -> I vacation to Spain (without Mathew)
Oct. 2007 -> I met a guy, and started falling in love
Nov 2007 -> the ex-husband marries his now 8 month pregnant girlfriend in the courthouse
Dec. 2007 -> my boyfriend moves in with us (i know, i know...it was quick)
Jun. 2008 -> got my first tattoo
Sep. 2008 -> my little brother, Philippe gets married
Sep. 2008 -> my boyfriend leaves us and doesn't look back
Sep. 2008 -> we find out my mother has cancer in her kidney
Nov. 4, 2008 -> my mom is cancer-free!
Jan. 2009 -> tried e-harmony. fail.
Feb. 2009 -> the ex-husband tells me he just bought a 5 bedroom house with a pool and asks to lower child support in the same conversation. Few days later, he asks me to stop communicating with his family
Feb. 2009 -> I have a new boss
Apr 2009 -> I make the hardest decision in my life. Harley is given up for adoption.
Aug 11, 2009 -> worst day of my life - my big brother, Robin passes away
Sept 2009 -> get my second tattoo in memory of my brother Robin
Nov 2009 -> the ex-husband tells me his wife is 8 months pregnant (only cause Mathew figured it out and told me)
Jan 2010 -> tried online dating again. fail.
Feb 2010 -> stopped paying my mortgage - I owe double the value of what my house is worth and want out of this past life.
Mar 2010 -> take Mathew to Canada to see snow
May 2010 -> get served, foreclosure lawsuit on my house (I have a short-sale contract pending)
May 2010 -> take week long vacation to Disney (mostly for me)
June 21, 2010 -> went sky diving for my brothers would be 40th birthday
August 2010 -> buyer for my short sale house withdraws contract
August 11, 2010 -> one year anniversary of my brother's death

Sept. 2010 -> work woes begin
Oct. 2010 -> Bear, our family dog passes away
Nov. 2010 -> Second buyer of my short sale declined meeting the Banks financial numbers.
Dec. 29, 2010 -> Third Buyer of my short sale house withdraws contract

Dec. 30, 2010 -> Visit the happiest place on Earth with Mathew (magic kingdom)

and now...
2011 -> the beginning of a new life line! =)

I love my son

Mathew made a card for me today at school (with no help):

End Here: Start here:

Sic Mama

Fr I ❤ U

om I Sor

Mathew E D U R

Translation:

Mama

I love you

I'm sorry (I sore) that (D) you're (U R) sick

From Mathew

Aren't I the luckiest mom?

Conversations with a 5-year old boy

Mathew, my just turned 5-year old boy, tends to ask philosophical and intriguing questions, in which he leaves me baffled and fumbling at how to respond. And when I do respond, it only leads to more questions. Good thing I'm okay with saying "I don't know" and we look it up later. This conversation you are about to read was without planning and as usual, leaving me fumbling for answers. But before you read on, you must first read my blog disclaimer...a warning of sorts.

The following conversation with my 5-year old son, started with this question out of the blue:

"How did Earth start?"

I started by laughing nervously while driving my car. I mean, where did that come from? here we go again, baffled and amused...

So I started by telling him people believe different things and that I'm not even sure exactly what other beliefs may be out there. Essentially, I prefaced this conversation with the notion, that we really don't know the answer to this question, but everybody has there own belief. I've talked to him like this before when discussing heaven, reincarnation, death, etc. Yes, we have these conversations!

To answer his question, I started with the Big Bang theory. Some people think that billions of years ago, there was this big bang in the galaxy far, far away and poof, Earth was created. We pictured what that would look like in the galaxy and shared our thoughts.

Then I moved onto the Biblical theory. Yes, to me it's a theory, a mythical story. I told you to read the Blog Disclaimer first. Anyway, so I explained to him that some people believe God created Earth. That God said one day "Let there be light," and the next day, "let there be the sun, the moon, and the stars" and then "let there be animals and fish" and finally "let there be a boy and a girl." Or something like that. Yes, I know it's not a complete full version of the biblical story, but I was in a car and did not have Google handy. He got the point though and asked a really good question:

"Who is God?"

I laugh again. Oy,"Who is God?" he asks. Seriously?! Okay so I tell him that people believe different things about God. But mostly that God is believed to be the creator of Earth, a father. That God is everywhere, knows everything, and is powerful. Some people don't necessarily believe in God, but a form of God, that is not a person, but a powerful, energy source. I was really just babbling at this point. I tried to give him all view points to the best of my ability. I started to wonder if any of this was sinking in, when he then says:

"I want to create an Earth too!"

Laughing again....thinking great, now my son wants to be a God. So now I turn the tables on him.

"How do you think Earth was created?"

Oh, the places he goes....

One version he gave me was:

"Maybe heaven sent down babies on Earth." he tries to figure out.

I wonder out loud, "How did the heavens start?"

He reacts quickly almost like saying 'oh that's easy mom,' he says "people from Pluto came to heaven."

"Oh! And where is Pluto?" I ask curiously.

He says, "In the galaxy. On pluto there are dogs and one is named Pluto."

How do you not crack up hysterically...

He adds "There are also cats on Pluto."

I changed the subject on him to talk about Dinosaurs on Earth. Yes, I don't know what I was thinking, a conversation about evolution with a 5-year old. Luckily, I just kept it fun and light hearted. We talked about how dinosaurs were living on earth billions of years ago before us. Then HE talked about the fossils that are found now by paleontologists. He loves dinosaurs and apparently knows more about dinosaurs than I thought.

Then, I moved the subject back to how Earth was created and asked him for another theory of his. This has to be my favorite theory:

"There was a picture of a girl and a boy holding hands. In the picture, there was grass and flowers on the ground. The sun was at the top of the picture. It was a magic picture and it turned into real Earth."

Stunned by this idea, I had to ask, "Was the boy and girl named Adam and Eve?" I'm laughing as I ask this question, but also wondering if he's learning ideas from elsewhere.

He said, "No, Adis and Owen" (I don't even think we know an Adis and Owen.)

So naturally, I asked "who drew this painting?"

"An artist named Mathew" he says confidently. (Loving it!)

"Where was this artist drawing this picture if Earth was not created yet?"

He says without doubt, "in a rocket ship far away in the galaxy."

Now I wonder if his theory is getting mixed up with Super-Man and a magicians trick. Too funny! Where does a 5 year old come up with this stuff?

This conversation was approximately 20 minutes. I am not sure I gave the details, creativeness, and humor we had in this conversation the justice it is due. At one point, I had to start taking notes; it was just too good. He asked me if I was writing what he said down. I said, "Yes! I want to share your ideas with you when you get older! You will love it" And that's when I noticed a sense of pride and pleasure on his face (that I was writing it down).

I freaking love this kid!!!!

Reminder to self: Show this blog to Mathew when he's 10 years old, then again at 20 :)

a parent's stomach

every parent knows what i'm talking about when:

your stomach empties like a dry, ancient volcano that rumbles under the surface threatening to scream a destructive explosion

your stomach grips onto your insides tightening, twisting, and pulling you into a bleak hole until the pain numbs

your broken heart that falls into this bottomless pit softly beats, knocks, ticks, and pumps while swiftly stealing your breath away

your stomach's torture is accompanied with the sleepless nights, the heart that breaks over and over, the endless supply of tears, and the constant, never ending worries and fears.

but on the flip side, there are far more moments in a parents life that stuffs your stomach, warms your insides, and comforts your heart.

but oh, what a parent's stomach goes through!

6 days, 5 nights, 4 parks

Mathew and I went to Disney last week and we had a blast! Mathew has not stopped saying "I love you" (and his many variations of it) since we got back. If there's any kid that was deserving of this trip, it's this kid. I mean what single mom in their right mind would take their 4 year old to disney for 6 days, 5 nights and ALL 4 parks (just the two of us)?! I mean seriously?! Late nights, early mornings. I want this and I want that. Let's go here and long lines. Heat and exhaustion. Perspective: I am blessed with this wonderful son who made this trip easy and fun :)

Here a few pictures from our trip:

Epcot (1 of the 4 Disney parks)

having fun on the many rides galore

hugged many, many characters

and look at the pure joy on this face: priceless

(click on the pics for larger viewing)

:) ...and now to catch up on some blog reading

My Mother

Mathew got to fill in the blanks of this form at school:

My Mother

My mother has brown eyes and brown hair.
My mother likes to go to the beach with me.
My mother looks pretty when she puts earrings on.
My mother is funny when she puts makeup on.
I like her to cook scrambled eggs and potatoes in the oven.
I don't like it when she cooks cheese ham sandwich.
She likes for me to help her when she is sick.
When I listen my mother is happy.
When I don't make good choices, she gets mad and sad then she calms down.

I love my mother very much and I know she loves me too!

Love, Mathew

Happy Mother's Day Every Day :)

are you big enough?

I dated.

I loved.

I married.

I mothered.

I divorced.

I dated.

I loved again.

I don't date.

I am a single mom.

In my life lessons, I grew stronger and more independent.

With every passing moment, I wonder if I could let love in again.

I've built a life around me that only needs my two grounded feet.

I know that I (and myself alone) can conquer anything life throws at me.

I've developed a preference to go it alone.

Even as a mother, I am so proud of my son that I don't want to share that parenting responsibility. I'm selfish.

My weakness is my strength.

My downfall is my resolve.

I know I want a life partner, who is my my best friend and my lover.

I don't know that I know how to let love in again.

I just know that I need someone bigger than me.

Are you big enough to be my man?

Mathew Lines - Part tres

My blog is like a digitally stored memory bank. I don't have the memory capacity to store it all inside my head. So I use my blog to store important memories that can easily be referred to. One of the things I like to store on here are the memories with my son, whether it's a story, an incident, or just his witty one-liners. I wrote a blog last year of some of my favorite Mathew lines called Mathew Lines (so creative, I know) and then out came some more favorite Mathew lines and wrote another blog and named it Mathew Lines - Part Deux (I threw in my french) and well here's the third version now, part tres. I see a trend here, don't you?

Don't forget to think of me in your head today.

I was thinking of Robin sitting next to me.

I'm going to take care of you.

You're the best thing that ever happened to me.

You are my girlfriend.

You will be my wife and wear a white dress and a white veil.

Be a good little mama monkey

I love your straight hair mama.

I love you to the _______(fill in the blank with; stars, moon, sun, sky, etc) and back!!

I love you to infinity and beyond.

I dreamed of you last night.

I'm going to miss you. (when dropping him off at school).

I love you all the time.

Are you proud of me mama?

Did you see that mama?

Can you play Wii with me mama?

I want another hug.

You're the only person I love.

You are awesome mama!

He's also still calling me chica and mamasita!

Oh, how I love my little mama's boy! I am so blessed!!!

(So some of these might be repeats, and if they are it's cause he's still using it or cause it's still stored in my memory bank inside my head.)

To the only love of my life that will ever be, Mathew ❤

I love you more than you will ever know....

xoxo

Mama Sol

My son amazes me!

My son amazes me!

Here's a little story, I'd like to document for my memory bank (one of the real reasons I blog).

Mondays are 'show and tell' days at school. Mathew loves this day. He gets to show off his favorite toys, stuffed animals, books, and such. Yesterday morning, he asked me "is it 'show and tell' day?" And before I can even get the word "yes" out of my mouth, he got all excited and ran upstairs. He came back down with his little red photo album. This album is photos of him and his Uncle Robin (about 40 plus pictures). I made this for him about a month after Robin passed away. I had a fear that he would forget who his Uncle Robin was (this fear is long gone now). I have found this album tucked up next to him at night while he is sleeping, moved in different locations, and left open many different times. He evidently views this album frequently, to my surprise. He talks about Robin, tells me he dreams of Robin, or that he imagines Robin sitting next to him. He does get sad at times and cries when missing Robin, but for the most part he expresses his thoughts of Robin in a positive way, as I try to role model that same positive behavior.

I just realized that I have to give you a back story (didn't blog about it - strange?!) before I carry on with today's story. On thanksgiving day of 2009, I took Mathew for the the first time to the cemetery to visit Robin. I was hoping to wait for the ability to go to the cemetery without crying, but I realized that idea is futile. But I didn't want to wait too long before taking him to visit either. I remember that it was a spontaneous last minute idea to go to the cemetery (maybe more for me) on our way down to my parents house for thanksgiving dinner. Mathew and I have still been sending balloons for Robin on the holidays and for 'just because' reasons, (which reminds me I need to buy eco-friendly balloons). So I thought, we would send the balloon from the cemetery this time, foolishly not aware of the possible reactions. On the way, I tried to prepare my son (again not fully envisioning or preparing myself for this "talk"). I totally winged it (oops)! I started with my first mistake, I told my son "we are on our way to see Robin." Idiot! Now he thinks we're actually going to see him. Smarty pants Mathew asks "are we going to heaven?" Great idea! Wouldn't that be an amazing trip!? So naturally, I had to clarify that we weren't actually going to see him, but that we were going to visit his "body" in a cemetery. This led to questions about the cemetery and discussion of appropriate behavior at the cemetery. I told him that many families have loved ones buried here and that we have to respect the cemetery and others, use our inside voices (even though we are outside), and walk only on the paved walkways, etc, etc. He asked many appropriate questions that I was proud to respond to. Then as I described to him that Robin was buried underground, I realize my next mistake. I literally smacked my hand on my forehead as soon as that came out of my mouth. I've been telling him Robin is up in heaven and now I'm saying he's buried underground. So before another smarty pants question could come out. I tried to explain the difference, that his body is underground in a box (coffin) and the his soul is up in heaven. Okay, no confusion there. Then he asked more about this box thing and why we bury people in a box. I did the best I could, talking about being buried with the dirt and how our body goes back into earth. I couldn't believe I was having this discussion with my four year old son, and who seemed to be clearly grasping this all (in his own way). Another back story, I didn't mention in my blogs, is about vultures. Mathew and I witnessed huge vultures eating a dead bird by our house many months before Robin even passed away. So I used that opportunity to give him a lesson on vultures; what kid of birds they are, where you can find them, what they eat, etc. Smarty pants Mathew asked me one time if vultures were going to eat Robin (knowing that vultures eat dead things). So, on our car ride to the cemetery, we were able to tie in the discussion of being buried underground where the vultures won't get to him and the cemetery. This car ride contained the most intellectual conversation about death, cemeteries, and heaven with my four-year old son. It didn't start there, nor did it end there. I still get questions and comments randomly. Like yesterday, he asked me "how do you talk if you're in heaven?" It is obvious he is thinking and processing this complex idea in his deep and thoughtful 4 year old head of his. Every story, every experience, every moment is magnificently absorbed by my son with such understanding and comprehension. I am truly amazed! Not to mention that me having to be so matter-of fact with my son about death has helped me cope with my brother's loss more than I can fully appreciate. The bluntness of my words I have to use for it to make sense to my son don't feel as sharp as they once did. They don't pain me to speak of the truth, the facts, what us adults usually have a hard time dealing with. I thank my son for helping ME deal with the truth, to smile and think positively about Robin. Back at the cemetery, I kept it brief. I showed him Robin's name on the makeshift sign (for now). We have to wait for the one year anniversary to put up the "headstone". I showed him what others looked like. We had a little talk about that. Yes, I cried a little hoping to mask it behind my huge sunglasses. There is no hiding my emotions from my son. He asks me why I was crying and I simply stated that I miss Robin. He told me that it would be okay and hugged me. I love his hugs, they cure all my grief! On our way out, we stopped by my aunt's plot. I told him that he never met her, but that she was a beautiful, loving aunt and is up in heaven with Robin. She is Mimi's sister and Mumu's (Muriel's) mom. We left a rock on her headstone and left to Mimi and Papa's house. The next day he wanted to send a balloon to heaven for Tata Lilianne and Robin! He has such a compassionate soul and huge heart...he's amazing (and I KNOW I'm biased)!

Okay, so back to today's story...let's see where did I leave off. Oh, Show and Tell Monday!

Mathew brings in his photo album of his Uncle Robin on Monday. This morning, when I drop him off, I asked the teacher how 'show and tell' went yesterday, since I was a little worried he may be too blunt with his words in front of the other children. I can tell she was worried too, but she said it ended up being just fine (sorta short and sweet). He didn't get sad, he just talked candidly about his Uncle Robin, showed his picture and said that he was in heaven. She told me that he has been drawing Uncle Robin several times now. She saved me the one he drew yesterday (and told me I will find others like this in his 'daybook'). The drawing I received this morning, was of Robin in a "box" in the cemetery. It wasn't a detailed drawing, it wasn't negative, dark, or gloomy, it was simple and matter-of-fact, like our conversations. That's why the teacher asked me if I took him to the cemetery. It was just that one time a couple months ago. Amazing! The teacher told me that this was healthy, he is expressing and processing his thoughts in a positive way. She tells me that he is so smart and maturely advanced for his age. He's doing just fine.

As I walked back to my car, drawing in hand, my heart broke into a little million pieces for Mathew. It's not right for a four year old to have to cope and learn about this. My heart hurts thinking that Robin is not here watching him grow, guiding him through "mental toughness" lessons, laughing, playing, sharing, hugging, and talking with him. It hurts to see Mathew hurting and missing Robin. All these thoughts came flooding in on this short walk, and as I sat in my car the flood of tears came pouring out (as I'm doing now).

Every story, every moment, every experience magnificently absorbed by Mathew with such understanding and comprehension. I am amazed! I am so proud of my son, especially in these emotionally, somber moments!

We ❤ you, Robin! and if it isn't obvious enough, we miss you tremendously!!! You are always, always with us in our thoughts, our dreams, and especially in our hearts.

❤ Forever Together ❤