Thursday, August 16, 2007

Delicious Lemonade

I decided to make delicious lemonade today.

My ex dropped Mathew off this morning along with the bomb that changed everything. Right before he was leaving he said he had some news to share. I thought for sure he was going to tell me he was engaged to his girlfriend. Instead, he said "Mathew is going to have a brother or sister."
Let that sink in.

Yes, my ex-husband's girlfriend is pregnant.

Seriously, I now believe my life belongs on a soap opera and I definitely think I can write that book now.

I don't think there is a word to describe the expression I had on my face, mostly because there was no expression. It was just blank. I was not upset, jealous, scared, shocked or even surprised. In fact, most of you will find this odd until after I explain further, but I felt relieved. For the first time since he left me, I saw my ex-husband standing in front of me being "real." In as little words as possible, he was humble, worried, sad, and scared. He was "real." What can I say? I didn't say much. My poor ex-husband left his wife and newborn son to live a life without the responsibilities of a full-time dad. And now here he is less than a year later with a pregnant girlfriend. Isn't life full of ironies? I truly feel sorry for the life and path he has chosen (even if they were mistakes). I don't think I've processed this news in its entirety and for sure it will present new and challenging circumstances in my life. None that I can't handle. But in the end, I feel relief. Why, you might ask?

I'm not sure anyone can understand what I mean, but let me try to explain, it goes something like this:

This new chapter in his life puts an end to the chapter of my life with him. While he's moving backwards, I am moving forwards. I'm at the perfect place in life. I would not ask for anything more. And in his rare moment of being a genuine soul, he revealed remorse and regret, all the while I was feeling relieved. The enormous waves in my life have evaporated to a mere droplet of water. All the unanswered questions and doubts, the not understanding why are forever vanished. The speculations of his departure are finally verified. My insecurities don't exist anymore. The "life is not fair" bit is not longer my bit. And the devil inside of me tastes the bitter sweet revenge. I witnessed life coming full circle, karma. I may have accepted the unresolved finality of my divorce, yet the questions, lack of understanding, and doubts were never far from my thoughts. And somehow with this piece of information, it gave me the liberation and closure I thought I would never find. All of this is why I feel relieved…among other unexplainable emotions.

Please don't mistake my feeling of relief for vengeance. I feel sorry for him. I never wished my ex-husband ill-well, but nor did I wish him greatness. And now that he is in this situation, it just gets me to thinking…about life, happiness, and destiny. I marvel in the creation of our own destiny. How our actions and decisions in life can dictate your destiny. More amazingly, how someone else's actions can impact your life in the most positive transforming way. Fate and happiness is in your own hands.

It is truly inspiring when you can actually witness life changes in action. It gives you validation for everything you might question in life. I look forward to seeing how life continues to transpire in front of my eyes and how I decide to manage it. I am glad that I do not take my life for granted and that I appreciate all that I have and don't have.

Today my world changed…someone else's actions impacted and will continue to cause ripples in my life tremendously. I choose to make it a positive transformation. I chose to make more delicious lemonade in my life!!!

I truly hope my ex-husband discovers how to find what he is looking for, to make better choices in his life for himself, and to allow happiness to enter his heart soon. I wish him all the best!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I implore you to ponder some of your life's decisions and how they impacted you (or even someone else's actions that affected you). Then reevaluate how the same decision could have influenced your life differently just by a different state of mind, a conscious decision, a choice. Command your own fate and make lemonade!

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