Saturday, June 24, 2006

Is it really over?

I'm finally home, no more traveling for a while, please. I just got back from St. Pete's Beach. Michael had a police conference and I joined him. Mathew and I had a blast; morning strolls, feeding swans, swimming in the pool, playing on the beach shores, taking naps, visited the Florida Aquarium (in Tampa), and just spent the best quality time together. Mathew starts day care on Monday, so it was a perfect week for the two of us!

However, this trip was far from perfect for my husband and I. My life is turning upside down, and I am searching for ways to look up and smile. My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years, we have a 9 month old son, own a townhouse, have successful careers, are financially stable...all our goals and dreams have come true, but now my husband wants out. What is supposed to be the best time of our lives has been the most trying! I don't believe we have tried every (or any for that matter) avenue to save this marriage, but I cannot force someone to do things they don't want to. I've shed many tears and there is this hole in my heart now. I've been hanging on to this shred of hope that this has all been a bad dream, it just doesn't seem real. I kept telling myself this is not happening to me, it can't. We were this perfect couple, the couple everyone envied. He was my best friend! What went wrong? It didn't/doesn't make sense. But that shred of hope I hung onto drove me into sporadic bouts of misery and depression. It is time to see that there is no hope if only one person wants it. I can fight for this marriage but never win if I'm the only one fighting for it. I'm not giving up, I'm moving on, I'm facing "his" reality. I am strong. I am resilient. I will love again. Most of all I will be the best mom to my son, Mathew.

For most of you reading this, it will be the first you hear of my heartache. Im sorry I didn't share with you my deepest feelings. Maybe I was just afraid to admit what was really going on. After all these months of sorrow, I need my friends more than ever. Remind me that I will make it through this and will find the light at the end of the tunnel (how cliché, huh?).

My mind and heart needs to be reset. I had all these dreams of my family, our future dream home, retirement together, traveling in an RV cross country, going on a cruise to the Caribbean, growing old together, and every little detail you can imagine, it was all played out in my mind. I have to now erase it all and hit the reset button, start new dreams, new images, and new plans for my life. I will first start by taking one day at a time. I'll build the rest later.

Before I go catch some Z's, let me leave you with my daily serenity prayer these days:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

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