Candy Cane

Okay so I discovered the best candy cane EVER! I found it at Publix...Florida's neighborhood grocery store. It's Willy Wonka's Gobstoppers Candy Cane. It starts off as a solid color and changes colors in the typical candy cane stripe fashion! How freakin' cool?!!!

I am eating one now as I type...it's red strawberry now changing to yellow lemony...mmmm...yummy!

Thankful

This afternoon I had a close encounter with a major accident on I-595 heading west bound. I was driving in the left lane about to take the I-75 South Exit when I heard a crash and screeching sounds that were all too close to me. Out of nowhere, I see two cars fused together gliding horizontally across 4 lanes and passing right in front of me by a couple of feet. And when they hit the big grassy median, they were bouncing off each other…they looked like toy cars being mistreated by a two year old boy. The momentum of their speed carried them with me along my side for what seemed like forever. The barricades that prevented them from entering the other side of the highway almost propelled them back to me. During the parallel travels of their cars skidding and careening everywhere and mine by their side, I remember trying to be prepared for the possibility of their cars crashing into me. The only problem was there really wasn't anywhere I could go. Debris started falling on the road…missing my car barely or me running over it. When the two cars finally stopped their pummel demise, I kept on driving. I didn't stop. I was scared. I was too scared to see the damage. And I wouldn't have been any help…I was a wreck myself. I called 911 immediately. My leg started shaking uncontrollably. My mouth kept uttering the words "oh my god." I finally took my exit and pulled over and cried.

It was something that happened so fast, yet it was in slow motion…so much so that I can tell you the passenger in the red car was wearing an orange shirt, she had short curly frizzy hair, her arms were up in the air and her face had a look of terror. I can never forget that look. These images keep flashing in my head. Seriously, I'm not sure how I managed to have been caught in the middle of this scene yet passed right on through unscathed, as if I wasn't even there.

It's moments like these that make you thankful. Ironically, the weekend of thanksgiving is coming up and I was given an opportunity to be even more grateful! Life is not guaranteed to you. Don't take anything or anyone for granted. Let the one's you love know you love them. And be thankful for the gift of another day.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
During my emotional wreckage, all I could think of was Mathew. I couldn't help but think how horrible it would be for Mathew to grow in this world without his mother by his side. On the positive side, where I'm trying to remain, I am thankful to have been only a witness to this horrible accident. I am thankful for my son, Mathew. And I am thankful for the gift of another day!

And I pray for a miracle that the people in this accident walked away unharmed.

Waiting

Good things come to those who wait.

Waiting teaches us valuable lessons, such as patience and appreciation.

It seems we are all waiting for something…whether it is for:

The clock to turn five or the light to change
The phone to ring or the internet page to load
The messiah or for the world to change
Or even the right person to come along

We are all waiting…

Now imagine waiting for this:

You found something magical
Most believe it to be fantasy, fiction, or impossible
You've never experienced it
though you thought you did
You doubted its existence
And now you realize its power
You know it's rare and so divine
You believe in it
You feel it pulsating through your veins
Rushing through your soul
Heightening all your senses
Your impatience is surmounting
You know that once it arrives
It is yours to hold preciously
So you wait for it
slightly impatient
waiting just the same
and in the end
it will be forever


Before I go, let me leave you with this:
While waiting might seem torturous, it makes one appreciate life and value it as worthwhile! Now, if I can only figure out the patience thing...

Mathew Moments

Okay so it's been a while since I've written a blog. Could be because I'm busting my ass at work and I come home to pass out by 9pm on my couch every night? Could also be that what I have to write about is not blog worthy? Or not meant for public? Could be because I've been spending my spare time on the phone lately? Or it could be because I have blogger's block? Either way, I'll try harder to keep with my blogging. Here are some latest Mathew moments I want to share:

He recently started to give me a kiss by pulling my face in with his hands on my cheek. The first time he did this just simply melted my heart. I had to ask him to do it again, which he did by the way. He will surely be a heartbreaker!

Last night, in his crib, I told him "I love you" he said "I love you too"…awwww…I know how freakin' cute!

When I sneeze, he says "bless you, mama!" and when I fake sneeze, he just fake sneezes back…and laughs hysterically.

He noticed my new pair of earrings and said "ooh-la-la" in this cute French accent…can this kid get any cuter?

When he hugs me, he adds this squeeze that I know comes from deep in his heart.

He no longer naps for me…at least not the official 2 hour naps that give me my own private time. Instead, we occasionally nap together on the couch for about an hour…if I'm lucky!

My latest proudest moment was when I had to take him to a lab to draw some blood. We waited for over an hour. He was such a well-behaved boy…I was surprised and utterly impressed! And to add to that, he didn't even cry when they pricked him with a needle. He sat there watching the lady wiggle the needle in his arm looking for his vein. Damn, my baby is freaking awesome!

The best part of my day, is the last 20 minutes before Mathew goes to sleep…the reading time, the hugs, squeezes, kisses, night nights, and I love yous…best moment of the day!

There are so many more little moments…I cherish them all! I believe life is all in the little moments. And I will definitely continue to share our little moments. One of my favorite little moments is when Mathew and I laugh! We tend to laugh a lot together. I love laughing…especially with Mathew. My favorite sound in the whole world is Mathew laughing!

A day without laughter is a day wasted.


Before I go, let me ask you this:
How come Pluto doesn't speak, but Goofy does?

Sleepless in Florida

My ex-husband is having a shotgun courthouse wedding with his eight month pregnant girlfriend. "Two wrongs don't make a right." That's what my ex used to say about others in this exact situation. How did he get himself into this? How come it just feels like it is progressively getting worse? What bothers me most is that he's dragging our son through his mess. He doesn't even worry about the image, the example he is setting for his son. I pray all of this will have very little negative impact on Mathew. Unfortunately, my son is already being affected by it…

Mathew is acting out in school on days after he spends the night at his dad's house. Why? This has been boggling my mind all night…and I can't eat…I can't sleep…Why would Mathew be acting out? He's a happy, loving boy. I have no idea what is going on inside of him. I don't know what he is going through. I don't even know what it's like for him in his dad's house. I can sit here and type a hundred and one theories and assumptions, but ultimately, it is out of my control. I've talked to his dad, I've given him advice, I've shared ideas to help Mathew adjust to the change…All I can do is what I've been doing…and right now that just doesn't seem enough. I feel helpless and again I'm worried for my little booger, Mathew.

Here's another time in my life where I wish I just had a crystal ball and can see into the future…so I can either stop worrying because I see everything is going to be alright…or so I can know what to do to make everything be alright. I feel anxious, helpless, worrisome, nervous, curious, and simply sad by all of this. My mind is in overdrive, which only means my body doesn't get its beauty sleep!!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
On top of all of the above, I'm consumed with work… I love the challenge, I love the work, and I love my boss. But again, my mind is crammed with to-do lists, projects, reports, systems, databases, quality control, roadblocks, hiring, monitoring, numbers, expectations, etc. Can you say mind overload?

I need another vacation…lol!

I Believe

I Believe

There was a day not too long ago,
That I was a cynic
My heart jaded
I lost my faith in good men and true love.

There was a time not so far away
I said never again
Not in my house
Never more than just the two of us

There was a day not so far in my distant past
I was happy
Single
Empowered
Independent

And now that I have met you…

Today,
I am full of hope
My heart is renewed
My faith is restored

Today,
I am saying now,
Always
And forever
In my house, the three of us
a family

Today,
I am still happy
Empowered
Independent
The difference now is…
I'm in love…

And you are my reason to believe.

~sol


Before I go, let me leave you with this:
What do you believe in with 100% certainty, no hesitation, no doubt in your mind?

Time

Time
Can I buy some time?
Do you have time to spare?
Is there enough time?
Will I run out of time?
Can I make some time?
Are times a changing?
Is time just a concept?
Am I wasting time?
Will I get my time?
Does time really matter?
Is the time now?
Am I in the knick of time?
Is there a time for everything?

Or
Am I just killing time here?

~sol

Before I got, let me ask you a serious question for you to ponder:
What sustains you on the inside when all else falls away?

Meetings

Here is the result of my productive meeting:

**place image here**

What do you think?

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I have to work this weekend…yuk! The good news is…I don't know the good news…

Mixed Nuts

I'm a bag of mixed nuts:

Pistachio
Sorry
Disappointed
Peanuts
Hurt
Frustrated
Cashews
Hopeful
Giving
Raisins
Excited
Smiling
M&Ms
Happy
Loving
Mixed Nuts

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
It's almost five o'clock…time to celebrate! I am so ready for a drink!!

Not 31 yet

Why does my blog page say I'm 31? I'm not 31 yet...I have four more days to go!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
When I blow out my birthday candles or a loose eyelash, toss a penny in a well, see that clock at 10:10 (yes, I wish at 10:10, not 11:11), I always wish for peace on earth, and health and happiness to my loved ones!

Two

HAPPY 2nd BIRTHDAY MATHEW!!

You are my sunshine!

I love you!

Mom

Before I go, let me leave you with this question:
What do you wish for when you blow out your birthday candles?

The Kiss

The Kiss

Two beautiful souls, worlds apart
A connection that their hearts can't ignore
A warmth and love they both been longing for
At last they meet face to face

Sitting their in silence, a comforting cue
Their bodies naturally invite themselves closer
His hands gently holding the sides of her face
Their noses dancing cheek to cheek

Their lips meet briefly and softly for the first time
She can hear the silent sounds of angels' wings
As if a piece of heaven fell from the sky
This enchanted moment released in slow motion

Their lips trickle apart with gentle smiles remaining
They linger closely to savor it all
Eyelids and hearts fluttering in the warmest embrace
Neither wanting it to ever end

Just a simple kiss, a kiss that said it all.

~ sol

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I read an article posted in the Associated Press that said a Principal of a middle school in suburban Chicago banned hugging anywhere inside the building. The Principal said students were forming "hug lines" that made them late for classes and crowded the hallways. "Hugging is really more appropriate for airports or for family reunions than passing and seeing each other every few minutes in the halls." What is wrong with this lady? And what is our country coming to when kids aren't allowed to hug? What a sad world we live in today…

My Day

Ever have one of those days when:

You wake up too early, the sun is hiding and the sky is angry, yet the simple sound of your child's voice brightens your morning.

You turn on the machine and through all the junk you uncover the sweet words in black and white that keeps you smiling all day.

You are completely overloaded, the problems are never ending, the whiteboard no longer seems white, yet you feel like nothing can get in your way.

You're so busy at work, lunch is not an option (nor is racquetball), the pile doesn't seem to shrink yet you feel totally accomplished.

Expectations shift, you're hesitant about yourself, yet you keep moving forward and you realize just how capable you are.

You're jaded heart is alone and bruised, your walls are still high wrapped in barbed wire, yet there's a glow in your heart burning to give hope a chance to float up.

That was my day! How was yours?

~sol

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
Rain, rain go away
Come again another day
Mama's knees can't take the pain

Snickers

Yes, I surrendered to my chocolate desires again. I tried to hold out as long as possible, but I just couldn't make it past the day. I think I have some sorta chocolate something every day. It's a need, I'm just addicted!

Here is my snickers word of the day:

Substantialiscious ..sub-'stan(t)-shu-'li-shus.. (noun). The weight of something when you weigh it with your tongue.

Hmmmm…very interesting….

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I love hugs! I love people who give me big hugs! Mathew holds the unbeatable record of the BESTEST hugs ever! Look forward to my hug today. I can so use one right now…what a long, draining, hectic week. I'm ready for the weekend!

Madrid, Spain

I don't know where to begin or how to say it all, especially in a pretty format, or some poetic stanza. It's pretty much all just a jumbo puzzle in my head. Can you say confetti!? So here are my scatterbrain thoughts in writing (in no particular order, with no poetic grace) but the people asked for it, so here it is:

Most used word to describe trip: Amazing!

Madrid is so old and beautiful (bet you never thought those two adjectives can be used in the same sentence)

Barajas International Airport…very cool looking, frosty glass walkways, wide open spaces, clean, simple, yes, I know I'm odd like that!

The Metro was clean and used by us very much, except when we needed it most; after 1:30am (when it closes down).

The whole city was clean and very green, environmentally green.

I found the eclectic mixture of architecture throughout Madrid highly appealing.

Favorite painting: La Guernica by Picasso.

Favorite museum - Reina Sofia Museum
This museum housed the most emotional driven painting I've ever seen – La Geurnica. I don't know how long I was there for, standing alone and later with G. I started crying at one point. I felt the sorrow and agony of the grieving mother with her dead child in her arms. I hope to never feel that agony for even a tiny moment in my life time. I cried thinking of the innocent, defenseless lives lost in a senseless, barbaric war. Naturally, my thoughts led to the current war in Iraq (70 years later). The same innocence lost, the same barbaric war. Children left without mothers or fathers, parents left without daughters or sons. And for what? A painting darkened in the shadow of death, devastation, and desperation, still found powerful, hidden symbols and images of hope and light. It's hard to think that one painting alone can evoke so many thoughts, emotions, ideas, and meanings. If ever there were a painting, this one is it!

I was an unruly museum visitor – I was told to 1) keep my voice down 2) don't touch the glass 3) stay away from the roped off areas 4) standing too close to La Guernica and 5) remove your book from the pillar that's holding a statue (G- that last one was your fault).

El Escorial: awe-inspiring monastery and palace, el Greco paintings, striking inlay wood doors, with a roman influence basilica. The basilica was thought provoking and truly amazing. Hard to look at a basilica now without comparing it to Rome's St. Peter's Basilica…but it reminded me of it. Also, a good day of bonding time with Ali!

Toledo: a quaint town with heavy Arabian architectural influence. Found a stray cat too! Lots of stairs, uphill and more uphill on cobblestone roads! Common phrase of that day: "when in doubt, go down." Walked for miles and miles and miles and miles! I met some very hot fireman in Toledo (incomparably hot to the US fireman), worth all the extra walking.

Freaked out Ali Moment – kissed her on the lips! Muah!

Plaza Mayor – reminded me of Piazza San Marco in Venice, with all the cute terrace bars and restaurants.

Funny, embarrassing, and disgraceful moments – molesting statues

Laughed so hard, peed in my pants moment – in Segovia when taking a picture of Carrie in a small hole…LMAO! You just had to be there!

Madrid Favorite: the food
Pimientos de piquillo (stuffed with meat) or seafood too!
Chorizo, queoso, croquettas…oh the list goes on!!!
Tortillas – homemade by Ali – awesome!
Chocolate con churros – yummy!
Cervez con limon
Oh and I ate ham during the observance of Yom Kippur! Ha!

Favorite park: Parque del Buen Retiro – trees, trees, trees, I love trees! Miles and miles of green, a crystal palace, one smelly, large lake, and the only public monument sculpted after the fallen angel, Lucifer.

Worst attribute: SMOKE! *cough*

A couple days into the trip I started feeling sicky-poo, which I contribute to the smoky atmosphere!

Painful Memory – walking into one end of a metal kitchen towel holder bar! That left a mark!

Puerta del Sol (need I say more)

La Noche en Blanco: a part of the Europe-wide White Night series of cultural city festivals - enjoyed William Kentridge's animated artwork. Finding a cab that night was misery!

The roman aqueduct of Segovia - built in stone without mortar - a brilliant masterpiece of Roman engineering still intact.

Best compliment I ever received was told to me in the room of tapestries in El Escorial by one of my greatest friends, Ali-baba!!! I'm not quoting perfectly here, but the gist coming from a friend who wasn't sure she wanted kids of her own "you're the reason I want to become a mom. I see you and Mathew together and what a great job you are doing and how it comes so naturally to you. I want to be a mom just like you!" Damn that was the best ever!!

El Rastro – flea market hell

Palacio Real was so palatial! Lol

Perfect hair weather (minus the drizzly day in Segovia)

My faith in "good" men existing has been restored. Unfortunately, the population of Drama Kings are accumulating faster.

Heartbreaking moments – making phone calls to Mathew…oh how I missed him so much. Next time, he's coming with!

Common phrases used during this trip: "Vale!" "No, no, no, mama, no!" "Seriously, is that necessary!?" "Not so much" "Hola" "Claro que si" "Y tui"

Don't ask what that last one is, I made it up! During this trip, I was mixing all the languages up, between English, French, Italian, and Spanish, I started having my own language!

What I didn't get to do: the city of Salamanca, El Prado Museum, and Templo de Debod (sadness). I guess I'll have to go back!

I hope these tidbits of useless knowledge about my trip helped paint an image of my moments in Madrid, Spain. If you want to know more, call me. If you have any questions, let me know. I for surely have left a lot out…intentionally and otherwise!

All these scraps of thoughts have pictures to accompany. Coming soon!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
Can you believe it…Mathew will be turning two next week? What am I doing for his birthday you ask? Why, I'm taking him to Disney World (either Magic Kingdom or Sea World, still undecided). We'll be going in November, during slow month, cooler weather, and time enough to recuperate financially.

I'm back!

Hola!

Mission Accomplished!

In due time, I will fill these blogs with memories of my trip to Spain. And soon enough, I will fill them with pictures too (I'm waiting for the accumulation of everyone's pictures – G, get a move on it!)

Hasta Luego!

Hola

So by this time tomorrow I will be over the Atlantic Ocean somewhere.

Destination: Madrid, Spain.

Mission (should I choose to accept it): To spend the next 8 days as a free-spirited explorer, appreciating the culture, savoring the cuisine, marveling at the beauty, and delving into the lifestyle of a Spaniard.

Secondary objective: Spend quality time with good friends, take lots of pictures, walk, talk, laugh, smile, admire, ooh and ahh, and possibly find the man of my dreams!

Don't miss me too much while I'm gone! But you can still think of me ;)
I'll get back to ya'll with stories…and pictures to accompany!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
This blog will self-destruct in five seconds!

Nap Time

You know you are having the perfect nap even when your back is contorted, you're uncomfortable, and you wake up with a stiff neck, because you also can hear his heartbeat, feel the rhythm of his breathing, and smell his hair. The best naps are with my son in my arms. Too bad they can't be comfortable too!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
Today is now the third day in a row I have given myself a paper cut. And not the little paper cuts, the ones that come from cardboard boxes or those thick coated plastic packaging's. It's just me…the clutz!

The Tongue

Tongue Visuals

Your tongue refreshed and invigorated from the scrubbing bubbles built up on your toothbrush.

Your tongue swishing and tingling from the mouthwash churning inside

Your tongue on fire and swollen after the bite of a hot chili pepper

Your tongue rolling and stirring when eating the delicatessen meal cooked by a woman wearing only an apron on

Your tongue slipping out slightly on her cheek leaving a shiny damp spot

Your tongue rolling over her juicy lips savoring the taste of her strawberry lip gloss

Your tongue slow dancing in her mouth salivating over the sensual enticement

Your tongue crashing and pulsating against her pearly whites

Your tongue suckling and tickling her long fingers arousing the senses all over

Your tongue shifting down along the curves of her body and leaving a trail of goose bumps

Your tongue erotically circling around bestowing upon a nipple erection

Your tongue slipping in and out compounded by the moisture of her juices leaving soaked filled sheets behind

Your tongue seductively playing music on her body that makes her world move beneath her feet

Oh, the things your tongue can do!

~ sol


Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I'm slightly aroused by my own writing…haha! Can you tell I'm sexually deprived? At least it's by choice, right?

So here's a fact about your tongue: The tongue is made mainly of skeletal muscles. It's been said to be the strongest muscle in the body. The tongue is always in constant use even when sleeping! So I guess it would be wise to work out your tongue muscle…maintain your strength and stamina in your tongue!

Snickers Satisfies

Nougatocity ..nü-gat-ä-si-tE.. (noun). A heightened yet fleeting state of accomplishment that makes you realize how unbelievably unmotivated you normally are.

This is my snickers word of the day.

I had a snickers fix!!! Usually the need for a snickers is brought out by the mere mention of the word snickers (thanks denise!), after an accumulation of denied chocolate cravings, as a replacement for a quick meal hunger, prior to that time of the female month, and during sexual deprivation.

All the above apply today!

Snickers Satisfies!!!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
5 more days left until I'm on a plane to Spain!

Harley

This blog was written in my head while cleaning the house today.

Why my life would be so much easier without my dog (a black lab mutt, named Harley, I've had for 8 years now, for those of you that don't know):

I wouldn't have to sweep my house pretty much every day.
I wouldn't have to wear socks/sandals in my house when I don't sweep.
I wouldn't have to clean his bowls.
I wouldn't have to spend money on his food, snacks, bedding, and toys.
I wouldn't have to wake up at odd hours to his whining 'cause he has to pee (again).
I wouldn't have to wake up to a cold/wet nose in my face when my dog is scarred from a thunderstorm.
I wouldn't have to clean up after his occasional vomit.
I wouldn't have to vacuum my sofa every week from dog hair.
I wouldn't have to hear my dog's incessant barking at the worst possible times.
I wouldn't have to hear my dog licking (god knows what) in the middle of the night.
I wouldn't have to pick up his shit (literally)!!!
I wouldn't have to bathe him too.
I wouldn't have to buy and also remember to give him his monthly heartworm and ticks medication.
I wouldn't have to go to the vets for his check-ups and shots.
I wouldn't have someone at my feet all day long, getting in my way, and constantly following me into every room.
I wouldn't have to go home (when I'm enjoying not being home) to let the dog out.
I wouldn't have to find a dogsitter when I go on vacation. THANKS BRIDGET (again)!
I wouldn't have to worry about Chihuahua's running around in my backyard and getting killed.
I wouldn't still be paying off a large fine cited to me by the Broward County Police Department.
I wouldn't have to worry about my neighbor possibly poisoning my dog.

But this is why all the above is worth it:

I am loved. I am loved simply. I am simply loved.
I receive the kind of unconditional love that no other can provide me.
I feel supremely protected (especially once I got pregnant).
I benefit from the long walks (mentally and physically). Walks I would otherwise never take without my dog.
I get to come home to a ridiculously excited "happy-to-see-you" face everyday…the wagging tail, too! Lately, Mathew has been stealing that attention. Which brings me to my next point; it brings me such joy to see my 2 sons interacting together.
I am amused by the silly things he does, such as chase his own tail, trip going up/down the stairs, or running into the sliding glass door.
I always have a friend that can cheer me up without saying a word.
I always have the company of a loyal, warm body next to me.
I have a lifelong companion (no marriage or contractual agreement required).

Okay so even though my list of "why my life might be easier without my dog" is longer, the "why it's worth it" list far outweighs any added "woe is me" it might bring in my life.

I can't imagine life without my dog in it! And it's safe to assume that Mathew feels the same way! We love you Harley!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
Today I realized I have to start paying close attention to the things I say in front of Mathew. This morning, we were walking down the aisles of Wal*Mart and he accidentally in his brute form broke his toy. I laughed and said in a funny voice "what happened?" He repeated this phrase all day, along with the funny voice. Later today, I was yelling at Harley "sit down!" My son has been telling everyone to sit down (even when they are sitting down). This revelation of mimicry finally hit home tonight with his grand finale. I was carrying my son up to his bedroom, when I rammed my foot into a toy car, conveniently left in my path and cursed "M*ther F*cker!!" Lo and behold my son started saying "Focker!" up until bedtime. Hopefully, without me repeating this lovely phrase (that I oh so love to use) he will forget all about it. Wish me luck!

Kids don't say the darn'dest things, they mimic you and it's the funniest/darn'dest thing!

Friends

Friends: Best friends, good friends, acquaintances, worker friends, long lost pals, buddies, homie, whatever you want to call it…it boils down to one word FRIEND.

What does it mean to you to be a friend?

What does it mean to you to have a friend?

For me to be a friend entails intrinsic honesty, loyalty, and understanding. I give my friends all that I have and more if I could. Being a friend is the next best thing after being a mom. For me to have a friend means someone I can count on (even if I may never run to them), someone I can trust, and someone that even when they don't agree with me will support me till the end. I have been blessed with a bunch of friends.

Friends are better than family. There is no obligation in friendship. There is no shared blood, yet the kindred bond can be ten times stronger. There is no room to take a friendship for granted. Most importantly, you can truly learn the meaning of unconditional love from someone who doesn't have to love you. Friendship is voluntary. Family is mandatory and obligatory. There's no judging and no expectations. You don't get to your choose your family, but you get to pick your friends. I'm glad I have the bunch I picked because man, I don't know what I would do without them.

I have to give a shout out to some friends (which sounds like a great idea as I'm writing this, but I will probably without a doubt regret this, because I will most likely offend those I don't mention…sorry, you know I still love you):

Maylen: I've probably known her the longest of all my friends. She's my pretend cousin. All around school everyone thought we were family. We played up the hype so much that till this day she's still my cousin. And just like family, we barely see each other even though we live 30 minutes away. And just like family, our bond will never die. You're the best cous!

Maude: I've known her my whole life. This one actually is my cousin. She's on this list because my friendship with her means more to me than our blood relation. She could have never been related to me and I would have still picked her as my friend. Her level of understanding, compassion, and sympathy goes beyond any depths I know. We never grew up together and actually never really got close till our older years. Yet, our philosophies in life are so identical and our minds so connected. I would do anything for this girl, anything! Love you Maude!

Brian: I met him on a cruise when I was 15. We've been friends ever since. I love him more than he probably knows or realizes. He's been there with me all the way from losing my virginity to my divorce. I don't get to see him as much as I'd like, but hey we're both busy and crazy kids! Miss you Brian!

Carrie: My college tennis friend. At first, we probably hated each other. We were nothing alike. And now we appreciate our differences, look up to each other for the those differences. We just both get it. We're there for each other the way we know we need each other. Bottom line: she's my person. She's the first person I call to share my good or bad news. "She's my person...If I murdered someone, she's the person I'd call to help me drag the corpse across the living room floor...she's my person!" I love you, man!

Ali: My other college tennis buddy. We lost touch over some of the years, but reunited with a bang. She's my giggling crazy like oh my god valley girl friend! We have grown a movie night tradition that I never want to end, even though she's been living in Spain the last 3 years. Hey at least I have a place to stay when I visit in 2 weeks. This friendship will last forever! te quiero mujer!

Jeff: My College homecoming date (only 'cause I asked). Our friendship started in college, faded, than we worked together (I fired your girlfriend a month before Christmas), lost touch again, reunited on myspace, and now we get drunk together, have deep all night talks, and share way too much personal information. But what can I say, you're awesome! Love you jeffy-poo! P.S. Call me, I need to catch you up on a few things before I leave in two weeks. Or maybe weekday movie night a la casa de sol?

Lauren: She's my silly Italian New Yorker friend! She actually started out as my employee many years ago. She quit on me to move back to New York and well she's back in South Florida (but probably not for long). She is probably the one friend that is most like me in so many ways. We can start a conversation that literally would never end. Us girls can talk and talk! We need time limits…our conversations usually end in mid-thoughts since we don't know how to shut up! Oh and, I love her mom too!!!

Gina: My line dancing partner. I picked her up at a bar and literally (I swear) asked her "come here often?" From there, I later asked for her number and well we've been going line dancing Wednesday nights (and occasional weekends) for several years now. Our friendship doesn't end on the dance floor. We gripe about work, make fun of people, scope out the scenery (at the bar) and she is totally my reality check with a side of crazy! LOL! I'll miss you this Wednesday!

Michelle: 6 years as my employee, but the best of those years have been our growing friendship since our divorces (teehee). You're the one girl that can relate to me most when it comes to the boys! And although our styles are SO different, we are SO like (as much as we both probably don't want to admit it..Haha!) Thanks for listening to me pretty much everyday about my dating life. Thanks for the advice even though I usually never listen. Bare with me while I sift through all the male-drama to find the one man that gets me like you do. I love sharing our dating stories…too bad you are off the market again!

Bridget: I met her through my ex-husband years ago. She works with him in the same city and she's probably the only last mutual friend we have. And she handles it perfectly! You can find the two of us always laughing and at times gossiping. We always have drinks in our hand and now we're both single at the same time…watch out boys!!! I have to add she is the one person in the world that I've personally witness (on many occasions) stop the world to help someone she barely knows, not to mention me! She so has my back! She's also Harley's second mom. Gotta love her!

Denise: I met her in college…and I'd have to say she got on my nerves (more than once). Our friendship actually started after I told her off. For some reason, she found a true friend in me from my honest sincere bitchy words. While our friendship has some big holes over the years, it never diminished the value. Actually, she is what prompted me to write this blog about friendship. Denise, shut up and pester me all you want…you know I'll tell you to fuck off if I can't stand it anymore! Love you, bitch!

To all my other friends, here's your honorable mention (ouch that is so rude, huh? Read on, there's more that might lessen the sting a bit): Dave, Alana, Desiree, Natalie, Myra, Courtney, Sefchen, Greg, Jamie, Camile (my kindred spirit), Andrew, Rich, Jessica, Jim, Jodi, Lori, Martha, John and Parks, Lawrence, Rob, Sylvia, and newly made friends like, Giovanni and Chris…even myspace friends like Derek and Joe.

There are all kinds of friends out there. Some are always there on a daily basis and some are far away but always in your heart. Some you may talk to once a month or even once every 6 months. Some you see only once a blue moon. Either way, it doesn't define you any more or less of a friend. To me, if I call you a friend, you are my friend period! I don't need to call you my best friend or my closest friend. A friend is a friend. I love my friends, cherish them, and will always be there for them! My friends are part of who I am today and I am forever grateful for my friends. I will never take them for granted.

I love you, my beautiful friends!

Before I go, let me leave you with a quote from Voltaire:
"I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it."

This quote means so much more to me than what it simply states. This is what being a genuine friend implies…and now in being a mom too!!!

And one last friend quote I love:
"Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families."

Don't Look Back

As I was sorting through some junk mail, I came across a letter from a good friend. Part of her letter included a poem that at the time was so appropriate to the changes in my life and as I read it again, still is. It's one of those poems that everyone can relate to and keep with them throughout life. I hope you all can appreciate this as much as I do. Enjoy!

Don't Look Back
By Mary Engelbreit

As you travel through life there are always those times
When decisions just have to be made,
When the choices are hard, and solutions seem scarce,
And the rain seems to soak your parade.

There are some situations where all you can do
Is simply let go and move on,
Gather your courage and choose a direction
That carries you toward a new dawn.

So pack up your troubles and take a step forward ...
The process of change can be tough,
But think about all the excitement ahead
If YOU can be strong enough!

There might be adventures you never imagined
Just waiting around the next bend,
And wishes and dreams just about to come true
In ways you can't yet comprehend!

Perhaps you'll find friendships that spring from new things
As you challenge your status quo,
And learn there are so many options in life,
And so many ways you can grow!

Perhaps you'll go places you never expected
And see things that you've never seen,
Or travel to fabulous, faraway worlds
And wonderful spots in between!

Perhaps you'll find warmth and affection and caring
And somebody special who's there
To help you stay centered and listen with interest
To stories and feelings you share.

Perhaps you'll find comfort in knowing your friends
Are supportive of all that you do,
And believe that whatever decisions you make,
They'll be the right choices for you.

So keep putting one foot in front of the other,
And taking your life day by day ...
There's a brighter tomorrow that's just down the road ..
Don't look back! You're not going that way!

My favorite line: Don't look back! You're not going that way!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I have an eye exam today. I thought I had ridden myself of all eye exams, eye glasses, and contacts 8 years ago (when I had lasik surgery). But I noticed my vision deteriorating during my pregnancy, which at the time I chucked it up to pregnancy. Last year, I decided it was time to get eye glasses for night time driving, movies, and such. Now, I wear them all the time. So today, I'm getting contacts. Oh well…it was worth 8 years! And for sure, I will go back to do it again.

Crazy

The anticipation is creeping
It's seeping in my skin
Tingling the depths inside me

The waiting is unbearable
It's deafening my thoughts
Sending me into blissful dreams
The excitement is bubbling over
It's fizzing right through me
Sparkling sensations among us
The feelings are explosive
It's mysteriously enticing
Exhilarating and foolish
And oddly comfortable
Or maybe just simply crazy!

~ sol

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
Mathew's favorite color is yellow. He says yellow like this: yellellow! I love it!

Perfect Moms Don't Exist

If you think you're a perfect mom, you're not. If you think you should be the perfect mom, you're wrong. Life is not perfect and your children need to know that too. To struggle to obtain the unobtainable idea of being a perfect mom can only leave you with guilt and stress. Realize it is impossible to be perfect and enjoy the little things. Being a good mom comes not from perfection but from the heart.

I'm not a perfect mom because:

I let things slide.
I don't get it all done.
I don't clean the floors as often as I should.
I sometimes use the microwave to cook dinners.
I have been known to give him a snack before dinner time.
I've given him popsicles even if he didn't eat all his dinner.
I listen to the car radio instead of talking to my son.
The car is full of sand and milk stains.
I curse in front of my son.
I make mistakes.
I've accidentally banged my son's head against door frames.
I use the TV early in the morning to keep him entertained while I keep my eyes closed on the couch.
I leave the playground and parks early cause it's too hot for ME.
I look forward to Wednesday nights (when I don't have my son) to go out dancing with my girlfriend.
I agree to his demands at times.
I let him jump on my bed.
I know I'm not a perfect mom. And I'm proud of it! I join in on the bed jumping, I'm the one that pours out the sand from his shoes in my car, and I eat cookies before dinner with him. But not being a prefect mom makes me a mom that ROCKS!

I spend my days hugging, laughing, playing, jumping, singing, running, hopping, laughing, dancing, kissing, and being silly with my son instead of worrying about being a perfect mom. I'm perfectly happy not being perfect!

I love being a mom!

*Okay so this blog can be for dads too!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
By the end of this week, my car will hit 36,000 miles. I have 9 more months on my 3 year/36K lease. ARGH!!!!!

Been There, Done That, Next?

FLORIDA
Miami Beach (Hometown)
Fort Lauderdale (current locale)
Tampa
Sarasota
St. Augustine
Jupiter
Naples
Tallahassee
Fort Meyers
Sanibel
Captiva Island
Cape Coral
Marco Island
Orlando
Palm Coast
Daytona Beach
Jacksonville
Islamorada
Key Largo
Key West

GEORGIA
Atlanta
Buckhead
Savannah

SOUTH CAROLINA
Beaufort

MARYLAND
Baltimore
Washington D.C.

RHODE ISLAND
Newport (favorite U.S. city)

MASSACHUSETTS
Boston
Quincy
South Boston (Southie)
Bridgewater
Braintree
Kingston
Raynham
Cambridge
Peabody
Cape Cod
Nantucket

ILLINOIS
Chicago
Wheaton

TENNESSEE
ALABAMA
(for figure skating competition, when I was too young to remember)

NEW YORK
Glen Spey
New York
Long Island

HAWAII
Maui
Lahaina
Hana
Honolulu
Waikiki
Pearl Harbor

CANADA
Montreal (birthplace)
Laval
Cote St. Luc

MEXICO
Cozumel

JAMAICA
Ochos Rios

THE BAHAMAS

CAYMAN ISLANDS

MOROCCO
Tangier
Rabat
Casablanca

SPAIN (others to be added here soon)
Madrid
Costa del Sol
Puerta Banus
Malaga
Torremolino
Gibraltar

FRANCE
Paris

ENGLAND
London

ITALY
Rome
Venice
Murano
Burano
Milan
Florence
Greve in Chianti
Naples
Mount Vesuvius

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I love to travel…if you couldn't tell. This list, as long as it might seem, does not nearly cover a quarter of our globe. For me traveling is one of life's greatest adventures. To stay stationary in one place is to live plainly and dull.
I'm hoping my next trip will be to San Francisco, California with Mathew (some time next year).

"The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page."
- Saint Augstine

Delicious Lemonade

I decided to make delicious lemonade today.

My ex dropped Mathew off this morning along with the bomb that changed everything. Right before he was leaving he said he had some news to share. I thought for sure he was going to tell me he was engaged to his girlfriend. Instead, he said "Mathew is going to have a brother or sister."
Let that sink in.

Yes, my ex-husband's girlfriend is pregnant.

Seriously, I now believe my life belongs on a soap opera and I definitely think I can write that book now.

I don't think there is a word to describe the expression I had on my face, mostly because there was no expression. It was just blank. I was not upset, jealous, scared, shocked or even surprised. In fact, most of you will find this odd until after I explain further, but I felt relieved. For the first time since he left me, I saw my ex-husband standing in front of me being "real." In as little words as possible, he was humble, worried, sad, and scared. He was "real." What can I say? I didn't say much. My poor ex-husband left his wife and newborn son to live a life without the responsibilities of a full-time dad. And now here he is less than a year later with a pregnant girlfriend. Isn't life full of ironies? I truly feel sorry for the life and path he has chosen (even if they were mistakes). I don't think I've processed this news in its entirety and for sure it will present new and challenging circumstances in my life. None that I can't handle. But in the end, I feel relief. Why, you might ask?

I'm not sure anyone can understand what I mean, but let me try to explain, it goes something like this:

This new chapter in his life puts an end to the chapter of my life with him. While he's moving backwards, I am moving forwards. I'm at the perfect place in life. I would not ask for anything more. And in his rare moment of being a genuine soul, he revealed remorse and regret, all the while I was feeling relieved. The enormous waves in my life have evaporated to a mere droplet of water. All the unanswered questions and doubts, the not understanding why are forever vanished. The speculations of his departure are finally verified. My insecurities don't exist anymore. The "life is not fair" bit is not longer my bit. And the devil inside of me tastes the bitter sweet revenge. I witnessed life coming full circle, karma. I may have accepted the unresolved finality of my divorce, yet the questions, lack of understanding, and doubts were never far from my thoughts. And somehow with this piece of information, it gave me the liberation and closure I thought I would never find. All of this is why I feel relieved…among other unexplainable emotions.

Please don't mistake my feeling of relief for vengeance. I feel sorry for him. I never wished my ex-husband ill-well, but nor did I wish him greatness. And now that he is in this situation, it just gets me to thinking…about life, happiness, and destiny. I marvel in the creation of our own destiny. How our actions and decisions in life can dictate your destiny. More amazingly, how someone else's actions can impact your life in the most positive transforming way. Fate and happiness is in your own hands.

It is truly inspiring when you can actually witness life changes in action. It gives you validation for everything you might question in life. I look forward to seeing how life continues to transpire in front of my eyes and how I decide to manage it. I am glad that I do not take my life for granted and that I appreciate all that I have and don't have.

Today my world changed…someone else's actions impacted and will continue to cause ripples in my life tremendously. I choose to make it a positive transformation. I chose to make more delicious lemonade in my life!!!

I truly hope my ex-husband discovers how to find what he is looking for, to make better choices in his life for himself, and to allow happiness to enter his heart soon. I wish him all the best!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I implore you to ponder some of your life's decisions and how they impacted you (or even someone else's actions that affected you). Then reevaluate how the same decision could have influenced your life differently just by a different state of mind, a conscious decision, a choice. Command your own fate and make lemonade!

Dreams

Poem from 1992
written by yours truly,

Dreams

Don't let me find myself
in a maroon brown room
where everything is sticky, gooey
nylon, polyester
"Viva, Las Vegas"
I want to live purple, turquoise, onyx gray
black velvet and 100% cotton t's
on a mountain top under the bright stars at night
away from the world in tranquility and peace
Don't let me live alone
with my feet flat footed
or in high heel shoes
I want to giggle
jump
spin
like a bunny
Let me hop all around
in the sunflower meadows
Let me go flying in the sky
with the birds real high.

~sol

ER

Mathew had his first ER experience Wednesday night.

It started Wednesday morning, when my caller ID indicated that it was time for me to have the "uh-oh what's wrong" feeling. The teacher explained to me that Mathew threw up and is not feeling well. I figured it was something he ate and he should be fine by afternoon. We went home and the vomiting never stopped. It carried on through to the middle of the night. It was 10:30 when I decided to take him to the ER. He threw up his last 2 times on the way to the hospital. The wait was not too long considering it was busy. When we were finally given a bed, Mathew and I met the doctor and the nurses who were going to try to figure out what was wrong.

They gave him an IV to inject fluids, a drug to stop the vomiting, and a 24 hour antibiotic for the mysterious infection. How sad is the image of my boy's tiny hand wrapped in tape with a spider-like glove and a plastic tube running through to a machine as he sits in my arms on the hospital bed.

They ran all sorts of tests; blood work, urine sample (via catheter), ultrasound, and culture samples of his throat. The worst part of the experience was the catheter. My poor baby! I literally felt his pain and swelled up in tears. Through it all, he was such a good boy and handled it better than me. My rock! We slept together on a single cot, watched TV, hugged a lot, and stayed by each others side.

At one point, I had to ask a nurse to stay with Mathew just to use the restroom. I heard him crying the whole time. I never even got to get all the pee out of me. At another point, I cried while Mathew was sleeping in my arms. I cried for many more reasons than just the actual visit. Being there alone, reminded me of the life I have. The life of a single mom. The life I never dreamed of and never imagined I would be in. During this brief, yet very sad lapse of emotional wreckage, I told myself: "Get a grip, Nancy! This life, while you may have not asked for it, is yours and yours to take. My life is great and I could not ask for anything more! Stop feeling sorry for yourself!" I wiped the tears and remained strong and proud with my son by my side. It is experiences like this that although may bring back some hurtful and sad experiences, also strengthens my resolve and gives me more courage for the next. I'm moving forward better and stronger.

Six hours later, the end result: all tests were negative and it was undetermined what kind of infection Mathew had. It was most likely a 24-hour viral infection. We're glad that the experience is over and that he is healthy and happy again. This was our first trip to the ER and I am sure it won't be our last. But let's hope they all end happily like this one did.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I got my passport yesterday! Yes, that was FAST (and expensive). It is now official, I am 100% without a doubt going to Spain, of course God willing.

Landscapers

Why is it that on the weekdays I decide to stay home; whether it is to sleep off a cold, nurse a hangover, work on my tan, or just bum out on a personal day, the landscapers seem to be working that day? As my reward for staying home, I get to revel in the metal machinery chopping thousands of weeds at a time, the debris kicking up at my door, the blower howling, the clacking of the weed wacker, the smell of gas, the idling vibrating sounds of the machinery, the noise of chattering voices all round, oh and my favorite is my dog barking intensely and incessantly when they get too close to our property. Aren't I glad I stayed home?

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
My left hamstring is as tight as a pair of jeans 2 sizes too small on a woman bending down. Can you visualize the jeans ripping at the seams...lol? Gotta get back to my pilates!

Playing Hard to Get

The theory is that a man is in interested in women who show no interest in them. It must be the ego-challenge or the bet made by a friend or maybe the idea that you can change her. Either way, it seems that playing hard to get works.

My friends tell me that if I am interested in a guy, I should play hard to get. I never understood how or why this theory would work, I still don't. But whether I understand it or not, it does work. I've seen it first hand this past month.

See, a little over a month ago, I "unconsciously on purpose" (remember that word from my blog on 9/26/2006) decided to not have a man in my life (at least for now). It was unconscious because I truly just stopped being interested in dating and hooking up. It was on purpose because I also realized I just needed a break in my life from all the man-drama. Yes, men are just as drama-filled as women can be.

So in this past month, it seems that my new attitude has been attracting men from all around; old ones, new ones, and lingering ones. It's raining men in my life yet I don't want any of them. Ahhh…the irony! The worst part is that a couple of men that I had actual interest in before (who clearly expressed their lack of interest then) are now showing signs of their desires for me.

Amazing…playing hard to get really does work! Too bad I'm not playing hard to get, buddies. I have this I don't care, back off attitude that apparently are being misconstrued as playing hard to get. I've been, as some might say, a Bitch! Yet, that has not stopped the men from coming around. Why do men love bitches?

Now believe me, I am not bragging here…because in reality this is nothing more than a challenge for the men. It's just a game. I'm not stupid enough to think this has anything to do with real interest in me. And even when I come out of this vow of celibacy, it won't be for any of them. The good thing in all of this, I'm weeding out all the bullshit! So playing hard to get might actually be beneficial to my health after all. Hmmm?

So, in conclusion, why is it that a nice girl (let's say: like me) has to play hard to get to get any attention from men?

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I've just accepted an offer to teach a course for this fall. It's an undergraduate early childhood education course. It's been a couple of years since I've taught a class. But it feels so good to be regaining MY life back!

Top 10 Things I Said Today

10. "I could use a hug!"
9. "These pants are starting to feel tight around my waist."
8. "I'm going to Espana!"
7. "I just don't need relationships that require work and drama. I have enough of that in my own life."
6. "It's just me, myself, and Mathew. That's all it's ever got to be."
5. "A true friend stabs you in the front."
4. "I want a man with substance. Do they exist?"
3. "I've been practicing abstinence intentionally."
2. "I might smell, but I don't bite hard."

And the number 1 thing I said today:
"I think I am losing weight in my left foot."

Before I go, let me leave you with this factoid:
The average human has seven sex fantasies in a day. Are you an average human?

Seven Prayers

I came across one of my journals this morning and found seven specific prayers written haphazardly yet intentionally. They came from a book I read many, many moons ago, Seven Prayers That Can Change Your Life, by Leonard Felder. It's a cross between self-help and religious/spiritual. The prayers are based from the Jewish faith. As most of you know about me, I am not religious. I believe in humanity and spirituality. However, from religion I can enliven my spirituality and personal beliefs. From what I remember, I found these prayers to be spiritual and meditative like (mostly if you read the chapters along with them). Let me share the seven prayers jotted down and you can determine for yourself.

Here's a prayer:
1. To start each morning –
"I am so thankful in front of you, Ruling Force of Life and Existence, who restores and renews my soul with compassion. You are dependable beyond measure."

2. To help you refocus –
"Blessed are You, the Eternal One, Pulsing Source of all that exists in the world, who guides us on ways to become holy, and who inspires us to lift our hands (to raise up our actions and be of service)."

3. To resolve tension and misunderstanding
"May the One bless you and safeguard you. May the One illuminate your way and be gracious unto you. May the One raise up in your direction and encourage you and give you a sense of wholeness and peace."

4. So you can unwind and find peace
"Blessed are You, Eternal One, Energy source of the universe, who brings fourth bread from the Earth…"

"Through whose expression everything came to be."

5. To help heal the body and soul
"May the source who blesses our ancestors…send speedily a complete recovery from heaven…a recovery of the spirit and a recovery of the body."

6. For breaking free from a habit
"I place the Eternal before me always."

7. To help end the day
"Help us, Eternal One, to lie down in peace, and to rise up, our Ruling Force to life. Spread over us the sheltered covering of your peace and wholeness…"

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
Are you open to the idea...any idea?

SPAIN

OMG - I'm going to Spain. I just booked my flight. I'm so freakin' excited. The best part is I only paid $104.15.

WOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOO! I'm doing cartwheels over here in my office!

See you in Spain, Ali!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
NOW…I need to get my passport! SHIT! Thank you Social Security Card Office for losing my passport!

On My Mind

My mind is currently filled with a slew of uncompleted thoughts.
It's erratic with no logic.
My mind is bouncing inside giving me a headache.
It's driving me crazy.
My mind is in a hurry to nowhere.
It's on the tip of my tongue.
My mind is nowhere and everywhere.
It's wired to self-destruct.
My mind…oh if you only knew what was on my mind!

~ sol

Before I go, let me leave you with this question:
What's currently on your mind?

Homecoming

Our homecoming:

The hugs were not just hugs. They were warm and inviting. They were comforting and loving. They were right where we belong, in each other's arms.

The kisses were not just kisses. They were open mouth and funny. They were many and all over. They were perfectly fit, kiss to kiss.

The smiling was not just smiling. They were glowing and happy. They were sparkling and permanently fixed. They were so glad to be back home smiles.

The playing was not just playing. They were silly and giggly. They were rolling and swaying wrapped tight in each other. They were back were they belong.

The stares were not just stares. They were gazing in amazement. They were pride and joy. They were never leave me again, I want you by my side always.

The sleeping was not just sleeping. They were tossing and turning. They were up and about. They were wanting more of you and can I sleep with you tears?

The morning was not just morning. It was sunshine and happiness. It was tender and cuddly. It was a welcoming wake up call face to face.

Life is back to normal.
Life is good.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
Mathew wasn't too thrilled to go back to school. It was almost as if he forgot how much fun he has there. He did not want me to leave him. It melted my heart. After almost 30 minutes, I had to leave though. So we said our usual good-byes, the teacher picked him up, and I heard his cries all the way down the hall. And that's when my heart ached.

My To-Do List

My To-Do List

• Explore and live the different cultures around the world
• R.V. through the continental United States with no itinerary
• Own a small home on a huge lot
• Write the novel sitting inside of me
• Earn my Ph.D.
• Learn to play the guitar
• Go to Wimbledon with my dad
• Swim with a dolphin (preferably in the wild)
• Run a marathon
• Ski in Colorado
• Publish a book of my poems and drawing
• Add more on my to-do list…
  

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I want my baby back, baby back, baby back!
One more day!

Beautiful Disaster

I am a walking contradiction, an emotional wreck, a ticking time bomb, a beautiful disaster! Stay away from me if you know what's best for you.

I am bitter towards my ex-husband for what he did, but I am grateful that he left.

I have accepted my situation, embrace my new life and love it, but I have not forgiven him (It was an unforgivable act).

I am longing for companionship, but push away the slightest invite.

I am a very trusting person (almost to the point of naïve), but I don't believe the words that spew out of a man's mouth especially if they are complimentary.

I can believe what you say is sincere, but it just don't mean jack!

I want to love a man and be loved, but I don't believe in love.

I want a family unit, but I love just the two of us (or three if you include Harley).

Maybe these contradictions are just signs that I don't know what I want. Or maybe I know what I want but I am just too damn scared. Actually, I know I'm scared. I've built a steel iron wall around my heart that I'm afraid is now too tough to break down.

Do you ever get over the hurt? Do you ever let your guard down once you've been burned? I believe it's important to completely heal before starting all over again. But I don't ever foresee me getting over the hurt, the betrayal. I feel like I will always be bitter about what happened to me. Even though I feel like I am better off without him. Even though I feel like I have so much better ahead of me. I feel like I can never forgive him, even though I accept it. If a man can love you, truly love you, but then just decide one day to walk away (for whatever the reasons may be)…how can I ever trust to love again? I fear that excruciating pain of betrayal! How can I ever believe in love now? Love just doesn't mean anything. You can say you love me but it doesn't mean anything. You can promise me the world, but it still gets me nowhere. After all the love, commitment, and promises you make, you can still walk away and leave me with nothing. I figured that love is nothing without devotion. I want a man to devote me, my son, and our family. And obviously devotion means love, but you can love without devotion (i.e. my ex-husband).

Anyway, enough of my cynical love views…

Just give me a month or so and I'm sure you'll see a blog about how love is awesome! HAHAHA… I told you, I'm a wreck!

Before I go, let me you with this quote:
Love means nothing to a tennis player.

Going up?

This afternoon you would have found me at the gym running on a treadmill located on the third floor near the elevator. I was astounded to see the number of gym goers who were using the elevator. We are at a gym and people were using the elevator…what is wrong with that picture? To me it was a little absurd to say the least. Are we so hell bent on convenience and fast pace lifestyles that we are willing to become a bunch of lazy fat imbeciles for it? Not me, no thanks! It also kills me when people use the elevator to or from the second floor. Understandable when the stairs are some dimly lit, urine infested, decrepit hole in the wall. But where I work, it's no where near understandable. Not only are the stairs conveniently located as you walk into the building, but they are actually in a beautiful location where the sun beams down through the atrium windows. Yet, as I go in the elevator to the fourth floor (yes I should probably use the stairs more often), but how dare someone who is only using it to and from the second floor. Come on people! These are the same people who probably complain about their weight and health. Well duh, if you're that lazy to take the elevator to the second floor or while you are the GYM, you have no right to complain as if you are cursed by bad fat genes? Maybe this all too easy for me to say, being that I am of a petite figure. Or maybe not since I do use the stairs at the gym all the time, occasionally at work to the 4th floor too (depending on the shoes I'm wearing – forget about it if I'm wearing heels). I do watch what I eat (no fast food and minimal junk, if any), work out in the gym (among other physical activities), and maintain a healthy mind. I don't know…your thoughts on elevator laziness?

On a side note, I did some rock climbing at the gym today. That was fun and a really good workout.

Before I go to sleep (and yes I'm up past my bedtime), let me leave you with this:
There are echoes of my son's voice in my house. He safely landed in Boston, yet I can hear him as if her were just a room away. I miss my little booger!

Panic Attack

I couldn't fall asleep last night, which is very unusual for me, seeing that I'm always in bed by 10pm. I don't toss and turn. I just pass out from exhaustion every night. So as usual, my eyes were shutting down around 9:30pm last night in front of the TV. I went upstairs and started to read (it's never usually for too long). The thing was I never got tired again. I was just up reading and reading, then tossing and turning. I was getting a little worried with myself, which eventually lead to a minor panic attack. It didn't help when my son woke up with this screeching cry that bolted me out of bed. I cuddled with him for a while, but my anxiety just got worse from there. I had to leave his room. It went from just a feeling of restlessness to involuntary shaky legs, heart pounding, sweating, and shortness of breath. I think it was around 2am when I realized why this was all happening to me. You know how when you are going on vacation and the night before you can't sleep from all the excitement. Well, the same concept but with anxiety instead of excitement. It never occurred to me that I was anxious about my son leaving to Boston with his dad for a whole week. I was probably suppressing all my fears and worries. And they surely came out last night!! When I realized why I couldn't sleep is when I was finally able to control my anxiety and lull myself to sleep for a few measly hours.

And today is the first day without my son. 6 more days to go!

Before I go to eat lunch, since I'm starting to feel lightheaded, let me leave you with this song:
This song makes me cry every time. I swear this song was written for me.

Artist: Clint Black
Title: The Strong One

When God made woman I wonder sometimes
If it was a flower he had in mind when he made her
A touch as gentle as a butterfly
A kiss so sweet it could stop time forever
God gave man a chance to be the kind of strength a woman needs
He was suppose to be the one to carry that load

CHORUS:
But there she goes
Baby in her arms
World on her shoulder when her day starts
Working a job that don't pay much
but she thanks God it's enough
There she is
on her own two feet
He walked out
but she's still got dreams
Trys to laugh when she feels like crying
Nobody'd blame her if she quit trying
But she's got a heart that gives and gives
Now you tell me who the strong one is

Tonight's the first night in a while
She put on her makeup wearing a smile
She'd going out
And everything was all planned out
but the fever that the baby's got now
It's all shot down
She gives up what she wants to do for what she has to
That's what a momma does
She'll be there like she always is
when the sun comes up

CHORUS AGAIN
And there she is on her own two feet
He walked out but she's still got dreams
Trys to laugh when she feels like crying
Nobody'd blame her if she quit trying
But she got a heart that gives and gives
So you tell me who the strong one is

You tell me who the strong one is.

Words of Wisdom

Here are some words of wisdom but when put together are not so wise:

Actions speak louder than words
Yet, the pen is mightier than the sword.

Clothes make the man.
Yet, you shouldn't judge a book by its cover.

The only thing constant is change.
Yet, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Bigger is better.
Yet, the best things come in small packages.

The more, the merrier.
Yet, three's a crowd?

Money talks.
Yet, talk is cheap.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Yet out of sight, out of mind.

Two heads are better than one.
Yet, if you want something done right, you should do it yourself.

Knowledge is power.
Yet, ignorance is bliss.

In conclusion, here's my proverbial wisdom: "moderation in all things."

Before I go let me leave you with this:
What does a single mother do for a full week while her son is on vacation with his dad? Besides me missing him! This will be my first week at home sans Mathew since he was born. Any brilliant ideas?

Drama Queen

I feel like my life has been one drama story after the next. I am starting to feel like the kind of friend that only likes to talk about themselves. How annoying, right? I am the newly crowned drama queen!

Current drama (condensed version): Social Security Card Office lost my application packet, along with original passport, original social security card, and original divorce decree. So not only am I back to square one in reverting my name back, but I have at least 10 more things to do; protect my identity, report a lost passport, pay for a new one, obtain a new certified divorce decree at the Courthouse, and personally walk and WAIT in a social security office to re-apply for a name change on my social security card. Argh!!!!! My life seems like it's on this roll of shit, crappy luck! Does it ever end? When will my luck start to change? It's gotta go up from here, right?!

The answers from the wise one's around me: One day, you will laugh about it. Or it only makes you stronger. Or it could be a lot worse. God won't give you something you can't handle. Keep your chin up. You've come this far. You've got your health. Blah, blah, blah…just let me have my ten minute drama queen bitch session!

I understand life is never easy. It's how we handle, react, respond, and deal with our circumstances that determine our quality of life. I'd like to think I handle adversity quite well. But that doesn't mean I can't have my emotional breakdowns or my grumpy moods. At my breaking point this week, I wanted to jump off a cliff. Now that I'm leveled off, I just want to hug my son!

In the best of times and in the worst of times
gotta keep looking at the skyline
not at a hole in the road
lyrics from song by Johnny Clegg & Savuka

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
The one thing that frees me of life's stresses and worries is my son. When he's with me all the troubles around me lose their existence. All I need is my pookie. He's my savior!

Romantic Comedies

As defined by Wikipedia, Romantic comedy films are movies with light-hearted, humorous dramatic stories centered on romantic ideals such as a "true love" able to surmount most obstacles or the "perfect couple." Notice the words "romantic ideals." These romantic ideals almost always end with the theme saying "happily ever after." So what are your romantic ideals? I blame romantic comedies for feeding us all this romantic hooey that just doesn't seem to exist.

Romantic Comedies, also known to men as chick flicks, fool the minds and hearts of every little girl (okay and grown women) to not only fantasize but believe that one day their very own happily ever after will come true. RC (romantic comedies abbreviated for the purpose of this blog) rob us of our senses. The stories and actors are disguised to appear realistic when in truth it is just plain fiction conjured up by great storywriters (probably all women who also fantasize the same happily ever after ending). They are not real men and these are not real stories! However, our reality for romance becomes contorted. Our romantic ideals become flooded with the ideals of these RC. We're endlessly dreaming for the Mr. Perfect or Mr. Right. We lose sight of what is realistic and obtain these improbable expectations that no man can fulfill. This perfect envision designed specifically for us hopeless romantics. Only a fool would believe in this fiction. I think it would be safe for me to assume that most women are fools.

Maybe it's false hope or unrealistic hope, but it's hope nonetheless. I have personally fallen for the made-up men in RC. I daydream for Mr. Right to serendipitously walk into my life and make some spectacular gesture/effort. And even when the day comes that your happily ever after ends, you will still find hope in these RC. I know this because my happily ever after ended and I still hope and believe. Maybe no real life story is supposed to end happily ever after. But a girl can DREAM!

I love chick flicks!

Before I go, let me leave you with an all too appropriate poem "Nothing Gold Can Stay" by Robert Frost:
Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

Better than Good

It's now been a year since my now ex-husband left me. And I've never felt better. I am in this zone of complete empowerment. This amazing feeling was never more solidified than after I hired a financial advisor. I had no intentions of hiring a financial advisor. She just came into my life unexpectedly and well I jumped in on the opportunity. The end result was not just financial actions towards my future goals, but a feeling of complete and utter control of my life and my future! Wow! I've got control, power, independence, freedom, I loves it! I don't need a rich man; I don't need a man at all for that matter. I am so liberated, I don't know if any of you can understand.

It's this amazing realization that I can do it all and do it all on my own. And the biggest fulfillment and recognition is that I have been for over a year now. Duh? It only took me long enough to notice.

I've been a single mother (in all that it entails)
Giving Mathew all that he needs and more
Working full time
Cooking
Baking
Cleaning
Doing laundry
Paying the bills

And what I am really proud of is that I have rediscovered and made the time for the things that make me truly happy in life:

Making memories with friends and family
Reading
Dancing
Playing racquetball
Running
Even playing a round of golf
Oh and dancing on a pole…LOL

A year ago, I was in the worst torrential storm of my life. But the storm has passed and the sun is shining down on me. I am finally starting to see what all my friends were talking about. I AM strong even when I do cry! And I know I still have many struggles ahead of me, but I believe in myself; it won't stop me or bring me down. I am me and I am proud!!! I am proudest of being a mom!

To all my friends who believed in me and gave me the courage to carry on…I love you and thank you with all my heart!!!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I hope everyone has a fun-tastic and safe 4th! I got no plans yet…can I crash on your plans?


12:40 AM - 5 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Hot Desires

Warning: this blog contains explicit content not suitable for children under 18 or any of my family members.

I am reminded tonight that no amount of time spent using adult battery operated toys or shower heads can replace the moments between two people who are crazy about each other.

his wet tongue sliding across my lips. his strong hand gripping the back of my neck. his feathery fingertips along my shoulders and down the small of my back. his hot breath tickling my ears. the nibble on my lobe, the nipping on my neck sending shivers of desire deep inside my body. the panting sounds of excitement. the slow downward progression down my belly. lollipop licks and strawberry kisses between my thighs. his finger and tongue playing musical instruments on me. as the music builds my legs stiffen like a board, my whole body clenching as the masterpiece climaxes. our clammy bodies yearning in perfect harmony. the mixture of stiffness and moisture blend incredibly smoothly. the two merge as one. the moments of eye contact connecting us deeper. the end is near but not nearly over. the smells inducing more passion. the intense bond gaining speed, culminating for the pinnacle moment. total orgasmic release. we're both sprawled out in amazement, breathing deeply, smiling, glowing, eyes fluttering into restful peace.

No, you can't get that with a toy. Wow! I'm either really horny or just truly longing for someone that can provide me with deep, passionate, loving emotions that last beyond the moments described above.


Before I go let me leave you with this:
I like to sleep under the covers with my feet sticking out of the blankets. My feet don't like to feel claustrophobic.

Golf Anyone?

Golf, not a sport I ever expected to enjoy. I tried it out for the first time yesterday (took the day off from work. Nice, huh?) I would say I was pretty good for the first time. I impressed my friend, the golf enthusiast. He wanted to practice on the range first to see if I was even worthy of playing golf. And of course, I was. We played 9 holes. My drives were pretty straight down the line (when I did hit them). I didn't keep score of my holes, since most of them were way above par. But I did notice my score when I hit a par and a birdie! WOO-HOO! Must have been beginner's luck!

I was surprised to find that I was physically tired before even finishing the nine holes. I am also a bit sore in the back and obliques. I definitely noticed how intricately complicated, frustrating, demanding, and emotionally draining this sport is, which is why I want to go back and play some more.

Golf Anyone?

Before I go, let me leave you with this thought I had last night:
Ever notice how frequently we compare human life to a dog's life?

Puppy love
Sick as a dog
Hair of the dog
Dog tired
Let sleeping dogs lie
Working like a dog
In the dog house
The tail wagging the dog
It's a dog eat dog world
It's a dog's life

I believe if dogs could talk they would be human, except with a much better understanding of unconditional love, loyalty, and affection. As humans we could take a few life lessons from a dog. Maybe it's the humans that need to be trained.

New myspace Account

I created a new myspace account
http://www.myspace.com/nancysol

I will be canceling this account (http://www.myspace.com/nancysolhughes)

By changing accounts, the only downfall is that all your comments and my comments to you will be forever gone. Sorry guys :( I'm sure we'll make it up to each other. I was still able to transfer all my blogs...phew!

So hit me up on my new account.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I am still tired from going out on Saturday night. I went out to South Beach. I can't remember the last time I was there for the night life. I slept for only for a few hours before meeting my parents for breakfast on Sunday. What a night?!! Too bad I'm still feeling it now…I'm old!

Admiration

So in the last 2 days, I've had 3 friends tell me they "admire" me. What are they thinking? I don't see what they see. And let me preface the next statement by saying, I'm not writing this to solicit more compliments, seriously! It's just that I don't see these strengths that my friends seem to point out. I tend to take the compliments as fibs or worse yet, as pity compliments…since they are usually told to me when I am in need of uplifting.

Are my friends just being supportive and helping me back on my feet by being complimentary? Or do my friends feel sorry for my life and how it turned out that they think 'I'm glad it's not me, I couldn't do it'?

So what, I'm a single mother. Is it hard? Yes! But it is what it is. It doesn't make me admirable or strong. It just makes me a single mother. My life isn't any better or commendably different than the next single non-parent. When you are put in a difficult situation in life, you just deal with it, you live, you move on. Don't pity me for being a single-parent. Don't admire me for being a single mother just because you don't think you could do it.

I just don't think I'm strong enough at times. I hurt inside always. I cry outside frequently. I stress out a lot. I worry all the time. I'm financially broke. I feel lonely. Yet strangely, I love my life and could not ask for anything more, or am I fooling myself?

I guess I don't take the compliments too well, huh?

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
High school is like taxes, we're doomed to repeat it year after year

One of those days...

It's just one of those days when you try to disguise the sadness inside you to maintain the appearance of your strength and stability, but the eyes swell up with salty water at the slightest thought or comment, and you know that you will lose the facade with the very next blink 'cause it's inevitable the tears will fall down your cheek. So you try to swallow the tears, but you just build a sniffling sound instead as if you were already crying. It's too late. Someone offers you a tissue...you feel fragile, weak, and stupid...and you just can't help it. You lose your composure. You fall apart.

It's just one of those days...

Nothing to leave you with, but used tissues.

Fall

I'm in love with this new song from Clay Walker, Fall. And I will totally, absolutely fall in love with the man that comes into my life singing this song to me, literally and figuratively.

To hear the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMJdalHA-hc

Artist: Clay Walker
Song: Fall

Hold up there you go again
Puttin on that smile again
Even though I know you've had a bad day
Doin this and doin that
Always puttin' yourself last
A whole lotta give and not enough take

But you can only be strong so long before you break...

So fall go on and fall apart

Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt every fear every worry every tear
I'm right here
Baby fall

Forget about the world tonight
All that's wrong and all that's right
Lay your head on my shoulder let it fade away

And if you wanna let go baby its okay

Fall go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear
I'm right here
Baby fall

Hold on hold on hold on to me...

Fall go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear
I'm right here
Baby fall

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
It feels good to be Miss Nancy Sol A. again. I will never change my name again. Mostly, cause it's a royal pain in the ass!

Free Bird

It is finally official! I am divorced and my name is restored back to Nancy A. It's time to celebrate!

For those of you that are not sure what to say...Congratulations is perfectly fine!

Here's to a new chapter in my life, new beginnings, new starts…

Before I go, let me leave you with these quotes:

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity." - Gilda Radner

"Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?" - Fergie song: Big Girls Don't Cry

Sometimes things will fall apart in order for other things to fall into place.

Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

What appears to be the end may really be a new beginning.

Quickies

Here are some quick updates:

• Divorce will be finalized tomorrow morning. I will officially be Nancy A. I have to go to the court house to request for my name change. My lawyer is costing me a small fortune.
• For those that want to join me for a drink and/or a dance, I'll be at Round Up tomorrow celebrating my first "true" night of Freedom (at last)!
• I went to the Kenny Chesney concert this weekend. It was awesome! Sitting 20 rows from the stage...can't beat that. Sugarland (one of the opening acts) was amazing. I had tears in my eyes! The tailgating was tons of fun too! Good times with good friends!!!
• I finally finished The Pillars of the Earth book...it was a more of a relief than a happy ending. Ali, I did love the book, it just took me forever to finish!!! Thanks! See you in September, although ticket not purchased yet.
• Oh, for those of you that don't know, I'm planning a trip to Spain in September.
• I have this humongous bruise on my knee (I think it's my all time record of biggest bruise ever). It's from a week ago and it's still purple. Mathew definitely gets the clumsiness from me...he walked into a chair last week and bruised his eye. Scared the crap out of me. But he's good, just bruised like his mom.
  

Before I go, let me leave you with this:

Save the date: Friday June 29th
Pole Dancing Divorce Party (GIRLS ONLY)
My House
I will confirm with you the date and details, as soon as possible!

Save the date #2: Saturday June 30th
Celebrating My Freedom
ALL are welcome to join
Hard Rock Casino
Again, details will be coming shortly.

Ms. Nancy Sol A.

I changed my mind (see I'm a girl I can do that and I seem to do that a lot lately).

I've been telling everyone that I was keeping my married name (Hughes) for the sake of Mathew and until he got older. Truthfully, I just didn't want to have a different last name from my son. I felt like I would lose my sense of maternity. Silly, I know! But, in the recent weeks, I've come to realize that I really don't want to keep my married name. I don't think I ever wanted to keep his last name and now I realize I really have no need to. My son will always be Mathew Hughes, but he will also always be MY SON. No matter what name I have. I'm not married anymore and so I don't want my married name anymore. Carrying his name has been an oppressive weight on my shoulders. I hate saying my name, typing my name, signing my name, logging in with my name, seeing my name...it's just a constant reminder of his betrayal. I don't need to carry his betrayal around with me. What he did to me has nothing to do with who I am. I need to move forward and not live with the past. I'm done with Mrs. Hughes, I'm taking back Ms. A. As soon I get the official divorce papers, I will start the painstaking process of changing my name on ALL my documents back to Ms. Nancy A.

And no, the divorce is not finalized yet! Trust me, you will all know as soon as I know. It should not be much longer.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
My name is Nancy, not Nance.
My son's name is Mathew with ONE "T." It's not Matt, Matty, or Hank.

Have you ever asked your friend Daniel if he prefers Daniel or Dan or Danny? Did you consider that Lawrence might prefer Lawrence despite everyone calling him Larry? Why is an extra syllable (or two) such a difficulty when calling people by their names? And why do parents add the sound "eeeee" to their child's name like Marky, Mikey, Danny, Matty, Lizzie, Sammy. YUK! Why do we feel the need to alter, abbreviate, or mutilate our original names?

I'm all about the original names. The originals are best: Jonathon, William, Daniel, Lawrence, Jacob, Michael, Joshua, Anthony, Christopher, Jessica, Jennifer, Angela, Emily, Isabella, Melissa, Samantha, Alicia...

And come to think of it the original everything is always better: the original movie, the original flavor, the original store, the original song, the original pancake house...LOL.

Top 10 Reasons Why I Feel Old

10. I have arthritis (in all my major joints).
9. I use coupons for grocery shopping.
8. I wake up at the crack of dawn even when I don't have my son.
7. I'm in bed by 10 p.m.
6. I wear bikini or boy short underwear (rarely thongs).
5. I called my neighbor at 3 a.m. to tell them their music was too loud on a Friday night.
4. I was the only sober & dry person at the slip 'n slide house party that lasted till 2 a.m.
3. I was hit on by a 23 year old boy and felt like his mother.
2. On Saturday night, I was hanging out at a bar with a 60 yr. old something couple & had a great time.

And the number one sign:
1. I found my first strand of gray hair.

Before I go, let me leave you with my current predicament:
Where does a divorced-single mom meet a real man?

And NO WAY!!! I'm not signing up on those online dating services. I'm not that desperate yet. (The operative word being yet! LOL)

To Risk

Here is a poem that I wanted to share. It's a good reminder for all of us. Okay it's really for me.

To Risk

To laugh is to risk appearing a fool,
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out to another is to risk involvement,
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To live is to risk dying,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow,
But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.
Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.

Before I go let me leave you with this:
Be free! Live life fully!

Only those who dare, truly live. ~ Ruth P. Freedman

To be alive at all involves some risk. ~Harold MacMillan

Again, reminders for all of us, but mostly ME!

Why do I even bother to ask?

I have memories that go as far back as 3rd grade where I just preferred to do it myself. I rarely ask for help. I don't like to rely on anyone. I don't like to wait. I don't "need" anyone. I'm not a team player. I chose tennis over softball for that exact reason. Because when I lose, I only have myself to blame. I don't have to count on anybody else to win. Tennis is an individual sport. That's why I consciously chose tennis. My life is the same. I rarely ask for help. I just do it on my own. Ten months have gone by as a single mom, and I can count on one hand the amount of times I've asked for help. And the thing is, I have done it all on my own, I'm making it in every way, and I believe I'm better for it. So why do I need to ask for help, if I truly don't need it. My friends and family tell me not to be afraid to ask, not to be too proud to ask. They say "you can't do it alone," or "you're not superwoman," or things like that. But I find that when I do ask, I either get disappointed or frustrated.

So seriously, why should I ask? If I know I can do it myself what is the point? As of late, I've put myself out on a limb intentionally knowing I could absolutely do it myself, but also knowing I'm not "superwoman," and maybe it is true - I do need help, I need to let people in, to allow being helped. And in doing so, I've only been left with feelings of loneliness, disappointment, and stronger affirmation of why I don't ask for help. It's just not worth it. I know I have great friends out there that care. I know I have family that loves me. But why do I really have to ask? And why when I do, no one seems to be around. And there is no worse time than to realize this than when you are sick. I do wonder if I fostered this behavior in others around me. Is my inability to ask for help, the reason I usually don't get it? The thing is...I know without a shadow of doubt that I am 100% guaranteed there for all my friends and family. I have driven to the other end of the next county in the middle of the night to help my brother. I have driven 4 hours upstate Florida to be with my girlfriend after a bad break up. I have take days off from work just to help my friends out. I have driven my friend's friend to the airport at 4 in the morning (to MIA not FLL). I have painted houses, helped friends move, thrown celebratory parties, traveled far for graduations and more, and will do it all again. I don't do it for any other reason than just that I want to. It's what I do, it's who I am. I am a giver. When I call you a friend, you are my friend. I don't take it lightly, and if I am needed, I am there the best way that I can be! I just don't expect others to be the same. 'Cause the truth is, the reality is, when I do bother to ask for help, I usually don't get it. It's just my reality.

So again, I ask:
Why do I even bother to ask?

Anyhoot, just another rambling blog.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I received my first mother's day card from a friend, albeit e-card, and of course it made me cry. I hope all mothers out there feel as special as I do, not just by your children, but by the people around you that notice what a great mother you are!
Happy Mother's Day!

L♥ VE

Love is amazing and wonderful.
Love is magical and mesmerizing.
Love is the best feeling in the world. But it's not just a feeling it's a way of being.
I love love. I am in love with love.

Love is unconditional, selfless, and giving.
Love is gentle, patient, and kind.
Love is passion, intimacy, commitment.
Love is hope, trust, and understanding.
Love is friendship set on fire.
Love is support, respect, and serenity.

Love is growing old together.
Love is the slightest touch, soft embrace, and passionate kiss.
Love is silence and constant chatter.
Love is the little moments.
Love is lifelong companionship.

Love completes you, makes you whole.
Love is uplifting and elevating.
Love perseveres and never fails.

Yet, love is also painful, torturous, blinding, and deeply hurts.
So why do we love? Why do we search for love?
Because it's love! It's just love!

What is love to you?

Here are some amazing love quotes:

Love is like oxygen, love is a many splendor thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!
~Moulin Rouge

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.
~Moulin Rouge

Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
~Franklin P. Jones

If you have love, you don't need to have anything else, and if you don't have love, it doesn't matter much what else you have.
~Sir James M. Barrie

You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.
~Barbara De Angelis

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
Every night before I go to bed, I sneak into Mathew's room to check up on him, watch him sleep, to love him a little more. And every night he is in a different position; on his stomach, back or side...in the corner, middle, or sprawled out. Oh how I love to watch him sleep! It's all in the little moments! I live for the little moments like that.