Friday, May 11, 2007

Why do I even bother to ask?

I have memories that go as far back as 3rd grade where I just preferred to do it myself. I rarely ask for help. I don't like to rely on anyone. I don't like to wait. I don't "need" anyone. I'm not a team player. I chose tennis over softball for that exact reason. Because when I lose, I only have myself to blame. I don't have to count on anybody else to win. Tennis is an individual sport. That's why I consciously chose tennis. My life is the same. I rarely ask for help. I just do it on my own. Ten months have gone by as a single mom, and I can count on one hand the amount of times I've asked for help. And the thing is, I have done it all on my own, I'm making it in every way, and I believe I'm better for it. So why do I need to ask for help, if I truly don't need it. My friends and family tell me not to be afraid to ask, not to be too proud to ask. They say "you can't do it alone," or "you're not superwoman," or things like that. But I find that when I do ask, I either get disappointed or frustrated.

So seriously, why should I ask? If I know I can do it myself what is the point? As of late, I've put myself out on a limb intentionally knowing I could absolutely do it myself, but also knowing I'm not "superwoman," and maybe it is true - I do need help, I need to let people in, to allow being helped. And in doing so, I've only been left with feelings of loneliness, disappointment, and stronger affirmation of why I don't ask for help. It's just not worth it. I know I have great friends out there that care. I know I have family that loves me. But why do I really have to ask? And why when I do, no one seems to be around. And there is no worse time than to realize this than when you are sick. I do wonder if I fostered this behavior in others around me. Is my inability to ask for help, the reason I usually don't get it? The thing is...I know without a shadow of doubt that I am 100% guaranteed there for all my friends and family. I have driven to the other end of the next county in the middle of the night to help my brother. I have driven 4 hours upstate Florida to be with my girlfriend after a bad break up. I have take days off from work just to help my friends out. I have driven my friend's friend to the airport at 4 in the morning (to MIA not FLL). I have painted houses, helped friends move, thrown celebratory parties, traveled far for graduations and more, and will do it all again. I don't do it for any other reason than just that I want to. It's what I do, it's who I am. I am a giver. When I call you a friend, you are my friend. I don't take it lightly, and if I am needed, I am there the best way that I can be! I just don't expect others to be the same. 'Cause the truth is, the reality is, when I do bother to ask for help, I usually don't get it. It's just my reality.

So again, I ask:
Why do I even bother to ask?

Anyhoot, just another rambling blog.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I received my first mother's day card from a friend, albeit e-card, and of course it made me cry. I hope all mothers out there feel as special as I do, not just by your children, but by the people around you that notice what a great mother you are!
Happy Mother's Day!

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