Friday, July 20, 2007

Beautiful Disaster

I am a walking contradiction, an emotional wreck, a ticking time bomb, a beautiful disaster! Stay away from me if you know what's best for you.

I am bitter towards my ex-husband for what he did, but I am grateful that he left.

I have accepted my situation, embrace my new life and love it, but I have not forgiven him (It was an unforgivable act).

I am longing for companionship, but push away the slightest invite.

I am a very trusting person (almost to the point of naïve), but I don't believe the words that spew out of a man's mouth especially if they are complimentary.

I can believe what you say is sincere, but it just don't mean jack!

I want to love a man and be loved, but I don't believe in love.

I want a family unit, but I love just the two of us (or three if you include Harley).

Maybe these contradictions are just signs that I don't know what I want. Or maybe I know what I want but I am just too damn scared. Actually, I know I'm scared. I've built a steel iron wall around my heart that I'm afraid is now too tough to break down.

Do you ever get over the hurt? Do you ever let your guard down once you've been burned? I believe it's important to completely heal before starting all over again. But I don't ever foresee me getting over the hurt, the betrayal. I feel like I will always be bitter about what happened to me. Even though I feel like I am better off without him. Even though I feel like I have so much better ahead of me. I feel like I can never forgive him, even though I accept it. If a man can love you, truly love you, but then just decide one day to walk away (for whatever the reasons may be)…how can I ever trust to love again? I fear that excruciating pain of betrayal! How can I ever believe in love now? Love just doesn't mean anything. You can say you love me but it doesn't mean anything. You can promise me the world, but it still gets me nowhere. After all the love, commitment, and promises you make, you can still walk away and leave me with nothing. I figured that love is nothing without devotion. I want a man to devote me, my son, and our family. And obviously devotion means love, but you can love without devotion (i.e. my ex-husband).

Anyway, enough of my cynical love views…

Just give me a month or so and I'm sure you'll see a blog about how love is awesome! HAHAHA… I told you, I'm a wreck!

Before I go, let me you with this quote:
Love means nothing to a tennis player.

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