~Aloha~

It is a done deal. I'm going to Hawaii. I can't believe I just booked a flight to Hawaii. crazy, huh?!?!?! I leave November 3rd for 9 days. I am staying with a friend who lives in Maui. Thanks, Greg! This trip is going to be amazing. I can't wait. I have something to look forward to now...my "sense of purpose."

A few words that come to mind when I think of this trip (or reasons for this trip):
Freedom
Independence
Reckless abandon
Spontaneity
Drift Away
Liberated
Friendship
Passion
Journey

Oh I can go on.

As I told you before, Hawaii was calling to me and I answered. So Hawaii, here I come!

Before I go to make some phone calls, let me leave you with this:
"Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit." ~ E. E. Cummings

Artwork

On Friday, when I picked up Mathew from daycare, I saw a little painting on a paper plate on top of his bag. I asked if this was Mathew's (since I never expected artwork from him yet). They said yes. No words can describe how moved I was. I don't think you can understand this indescribable feeling if you have not gone through it yourself. This is Mathew's 1st piece of artwork. It's a paper plate artfully splattered with a mixture of bingo dot markers. It's is pretty cool. I love it!

On another note about Friday: it was my last day of breastfeeding. I'm not depressed or sad, the time has just come. One main reason, was my raw, tortured nipple. He didn't bite, he just sucked so hard, it got wounded...lol. Among other reasons, I just felt the time was right. 11 months, I did good!

Before I go to write my next blog, let me leave you with a Dr. Seuss quote (just finished reading "One fish two fish redfish blue fish" to Mathew):
from there to here,
from here to there,
funny things
are everywhere.

Groundhog Day

Someone asked me today, "What have you been up to?" Nothing new. It's the same thing everyday. I thought of Groundhog Day, the movie. I live the same day over and over; it's up at 6am, take a walk, get ready for school/work, spend the day at school/work, pick Mathew up at 5, get home by 6pm, feed Mathew dinner, play, bath, and then finally bed time. Once he is in bed, I feed myself, watch a little TV, and then it is bed time for me. I enjoy the weekends because from 8-5am, I spend quality time with Mathew; parks, swimming, malls, restaurants, and friends. The morning and evening routines still stay the same. Believe me, I love my life and have no complaints. It's the little things that I am trying to remind you all to appreciate waking up to a silent sound, waking up whenever you want, making no plans, taking long showers, eating slow, just to name a few.

I look forward to February 3rd.

My soon to be ex-husband will be getting a place of his own and will hopefully be taking Mathew every other weekend and one night a week. So then when someone asks me "what have you been up to?" hopefully, I will have something more interesting to say about myself.

Before I go, here's something interesting:
Hawaii is calling me. There are signs everywhere. It's not about wanting anymore, it's a need now. I just need to go! This will be my 30th birthday treat to myself. It's time to spoil myself and indulge in a little Hawaii lifestyle. ~Aloha~

Woo-Hoo! Update

So the date was really nice. I'm still smiling and giggling.
He was a total gentleman (as I remembered him to be from before).
He opened all the doors (house door, the car door, and the restaurant/bar doors).
We went to dinner at Macaroni Grill and polished a bottle of Pinot Grigio. We went to the Ale House for drinks afterwards and had 2 stiff drinks.
He confirmed to me that last night was a date, even though we agreed not to "label" it.
"What kind of date would this be if I let you pay?"
He escorted me into the restaurant/bar with a slight touch on the small of my back.
He showed signs of shyness and nervousness..how cute!
He shared so many stories. This man is not afraid to talk.
He talked more than I did (and you know thats a lot).
It was a late night.
He took me home and well
I don't kiss and tell.

* :o) *

Lets just say he said he will be calling me again! *blushing*
We'll see?!?!

Woo-Hoo!!

I'm so excited!
I got a date tonight. A date! Can you believe it?
I bumped into an ex-boyfriend 2 weeks ago.
We had lunch and exchanged numbers.
Now we are going on a date. It was never officially titled a date, but I'm calling it a date. He's picking me up at MY house.
My lovely girlfriend is watching Mathew for me!
THANKS LAUREN see you tonight!
I have my outfit all picked.
I'm going to look smoking HOT!
I'm so nervous, giddy, happy, eager, and very excited!!!!
My stomach has not been sitting right for the last 2 days.

Do you all realize that I have not been on a date since 10 years ago? I have never been on an official date EVER (before Michael).

This will be so nail-biting, nerve-wrecking awesome!

Before I go let leave you with this:
Wish me luck and wish me no clutziness!

Are you a Control Freak?

About one month ago, I took off my watch and it was intentional. I knew for me that wearing a watch was a symbolic feeling of control. I can't remember the last time I didn't wear a watch. I let go of my watch to let go of the control freak in me. And in this last month, I feel liberated (for other reasons as well).

If I were to be described a sitcom character, Monica Gellar would be the best fit. I am competitive, freakishly athletic, controlling, compulsively organized, and a perfectionist! I'm not ashamed of it because I know I'm not extreme (most of the time anyway). I think it's almost comical in a way.

According to a test online:
You Are 52% Control Freak

Generally, you are in control but not a control freak. Your life is usually in order.
However, sometimes you get too obsessed with making everything in your life picture perfect.

Are You A Control Freak?

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I'm a single parent and proud. I take credit for all of Mathew, for who he is, and for who he will become. I am his everything. I am his mom, his dad, and his friend. And the funny thing is that he is my everything too! And one day he will be taking credit for who I am and who I have become!

By the way, I'm bringing Sexy Back!

It's a process...

And it's ALL catching up with me. I am completely drained in all the senses. My body is starting to feel sick. I'm tired all the time (even with 8-9 hours of sleep). I eat sufficiently, but probably not enough. But most of all, I am losing my mind. My mind is dull and in desperate need of release. I'm lonely for company. Not the lonely, I need a guy in my life kind. Although a little male company wouldn't hurt either. I meant lonely in a very broad sense. I am in need of adult conversations, mingling and meeting new people, going out for drinks or dinner, going back to my dancing every Wednesday night, or going to the gym everyday. These are the things I miss. These are things I so desperately need! I am actively working on regaining these things in my life. It's hard!

I am still struggling. I still feel pain and sadness inside. But let me be clear on one thing: I'm over the marriage and my soon to be ex-husband. What I am working on is getting through this process. I do not want to sit idly watching life pass me by. I'm working on regaining my life back, with my new addition to it: Mathew. And it's not easy. This process is something I just have to endure. I can't skip ahead. I need to go through this to get to where I am going. But while I endure this process and this time, I will do so with the utmost class and civility, and look goddamn HOT all the while.

Before I go, let me just finish by saying:
I'm not looking for pity or guilt, I'm just here trying to vent and let it all out. I believe, no, actually I know as a matter of fact, that I WILL be better than I would have been!

Queen Size Bed

It's now been a month that I've been sleeping on a queen size bed alone. I'm still sleeping on "my side." As if it matters anymore. Well last night, I chose to sleep smack dab in the middle of the bed. And to no avail I slowly inched over to my side of the bed. Not to mention, being in the middle of the bed is not convenient for: getting up to go to the bathroom, looking over at the nightstand clock, answering the phone, turning the baby video monitor on, getting the remote control or other battery operated devices, you know it's just not convenient. I bet you didn't think of those things. Anyway, I may not be sleeping smack dab in the middle of the bed, but I am definitely sleeping spread out, no shame legs apart. And by the way, just to let you know "my side" of the bed is usually the side of the bed farthest from the window. Freaky weird, I know! It's a whole long childhood story, ask me and I'll tell you one day.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I have a sudden urge to go visit Hawaii.

Rainbows

I saw a rainbow this morning on my commute. It made me smile and reminisce of my childhood. I remember always looking for rainbows. I always felt that if I spotted a rainbow the rest of my day would be great! I would make sure to announce the rainbow, making sure everyone got to enjoy the colors too. A rainbow equals smiles and happiness. I still get so happy when I see one.

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky.
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

Today I am happy, I saw a rainbow.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I went shopping this weekend and got me some hot new MILF clothes. What are MILF clothes you ask? Simply stated, sexy! I got me some sexy shoes and a couple of sexy new outfits. Now all I need is to go out! Anyone?

Lonely Nights

Okay so this morning it hit me:

My nights are lonely and sad. It's just that I'm too damn busy to realize. But last night, once I put Mathew down for bed, I just wanted to relax (do nothing)! What was I thinking? Doing nothing means thinking for me, and well thinking led me back into the "It's not fair!" phase. Here I am lonely and barely having the time to breathe, yet, my soon to be ex-husband, is fishing, golfing, drinking, going out, dinner with friends, and god knows what else. How is that fair? I deeply resent him for this. Right now, I just need to BELIEVE! I need to believe that there is a reason I am going through this.

Reminder to self: Let him go! Look forward not backwards. Think Positive! And remember what a friend told me that "while he is playing and running away, you are dealng with it now, but when the reality of his decision hits him, you will have moved on." Just Believe!

Before I go, let me leave you with a Mathew update:
Mathew will be 10 months this Friday. His 2 front teeth are coming in, they are so cute! He is so cute! He is walking all over the place, it even looks like he is running sometimes. He has been giving me a hard time the last 2 nights; he just doesn't want to go to sleep. What a booger! I love him soooo much!