So as most of you know or can tell I was in this miserable rut this past month. The reasons and triggers are too complicated to explain. But the gist of it is, I was lonely, sad, and most of all angry. I pushed friends away, I alienated myself, and got drunk one too many times. This was not me. Like my friend said: "Where is Nancy and what have you done with her?"
Well have no fear, she's back! I noticed last week, that I've been feeling much better overall. I am still overly sensitive, but that's typical of me anyway. In no time, my groove will be back 100%. I give thanks to some helpful friends, some venting, blogging, music, crying, and mostly self-reflection.
Self-reflecting can be torturous but it gets me through what I need to go through, so that when I come out of it in the end, I'm restored back to me. The idea of feeling sorry for myself and repeatedly thinking "it's not fair" is so self-destructive and futile. Nothing good comes from it. I need to keep moving forward. I shouldn't rush or force love. Love will happen when it does. And in the meantime, I don't want to mope around anymore. I had a momentary "pause" but I'm back to full speed ahead. I'm going to go out there and put myself out there. I will be vulnerable, but that will be me. I want to date and give it my all, even if it means the risk of getting hurt. And how dare I ever complain about life not being fair, because I have the greatest life. I'm a mom to a beautiful, healthy, amazing son. I love being a mom! And the struggle I had with the idea that being a mom was not enough for me was absurd. It's all I live for and I love it. I'm proud of me and my life just the way it is. And when the time is right, I will have someone to share my beautiful life with.
Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy
Before I go, let me leave you with:
My current favorite children's book is Only You, by Robin Cruise. Mathew loves it too! The book ends with the phrase: "I love my one, my only…" then you turn the page to a white blank page with the words "you" in the middle. When I read this to Mathew, he turns the page and points to himself before I even say "you." It is too cute! It makes me hug and eat him up him every time. We end our nights with this book.