I'm back!

So as most of you know or can tell I was in this miserable rut this past month. The reasons and triggers are too complicated to explain. But the gist of it is, I was lonely, sad, and most of all angry. I pushed friends away, I alienated myself, and got drunk one too many times. This was not me. Like my friend said: "Where is Nancy and what have you done with her?"

Well have no fear, she's back! I noticed last week, that I've been feeling much better overall. I am still overly sensitive, but that's typical of me anyway. In no time, my groove will be back 100%. I give thanks to some helpful friends, some venting, blogging, music, crying, and mostly self-reflection.

Self-reflecting can be torturous but it gets me through what I need to go through, so that when I come out of it in the end, I'm restored back to me. The idea of feeling sorry for myself and repeatedly thinking "it's not fair" is so self-destructive and futile. Nothing good comes from it. I need to keep moving forward. I shouldn't rush or force love. Love will happen when it does. And in the meantime, I don't want to mope around anymore. I had a momentary "pause" but I'm back to full speed ahead. I'm going to go out there and put myself out there. I will be vulnerable, but that will be me. I want to date and give it my all, even if it means the risk of getting hurt. And how dare I ever complain about life not being fair, because I have the greatest life. I'm a mom to a beautiful, healthy, amazing son. I love being a mom! And the struggle I had with the idea that being a mom was not enough for me was absurd. It's all I live for and I love it. I'm proud of me and my life just the way it is. And when the time is right, I will have someone to share my beautiful life with.

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

Before I go, let me leave you with:
My current favorite children's book is Only You, by Robin Cruise. Mathew loves it too! The book ends with the phrase: "I love my one, my only…" then you turn the page to a white blank page with the words "you" in the middle. When I read this to Mathew, he turns the page and points to himself before I even say "you." It is too cute! It makes me hug and eat him up him every time. We end our nights with this book.

Quotes & Songs

In the last many months, I've turned to music and great sayings to help me cope. They've helped me regain focus, relate, remain positive, and sometimes just gave me a good cry.

Quotes:

They say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself. ~Andy Warhol

Some pursue happiness - others create it. ~anonymous

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. ~Dr. Seuss

I will be better than I would have been. ~a friend

We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With out thoughts we make the world. ~Buddha

Thoughts have power; thoughts are energy. And you can make your world or break it by your own thinking. ~Susan Taylor

Our lives are not determined by what happens to us but by how we react to what happens, not by what life brings to us, but by the attitude we bring to life. A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events, and outcomes. It is a catalyst, a spark that creates extraordinary results. ~Anon

No one can ruin my day but me! ~don't know where that one came from

Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit. ~e.e. Cummings

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. ~Albert Einstein

Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will. ~From the movie Hope Floats

Lines from Songs:
In the best of times and in the worst of times
gotta keep looking at the skyline
not at the hole in the road.
~ Johnny Clegg, Your Time Will Come
I'll leave my heart wide open. I will love and have no fear.
~ Brad Paisely, When I Get Where I'm Going
I want a man by my side, not a boy who runs and hides.
~ Kelly Clarkson, Walk Away

No, life ain't always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life ain't always beautiful.
But it's a beautiful ride
~ Gary Allan, Life Ain't Always Beautiful

I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive

But then I spent so many nights
just thinking how you done me wrong.
I grew strong.
I learned how to get along.
~ Gloria Gaynor, I Will Survive

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter!
~ Christina Aguilera, Fighter

But I'd rather walk alone than chase you around,
I'd rather fall myself than let you drag me down.
~ Ben Harper, Another Lonely Day

Songs:
Leave the Pieces by The Wreckers
Over it by Katherine McPhee
Shake it Off by Mariah Carey
What Goes Around Comes Around by Justin Timberlake
360 by Josh Hoge
Let Love In by Goo Goo Dolls
Wasted by Carrie Underwood
Never Again by Kelly Clarkson
What Hurts the Most and Stand by Rascal Flats
Settlin' by Sugarland
A Little Too Late by Toby Keith
Awful, Beautiful Life by Darryl Worley
Don't Make Me by Blake Shelton

Seriously, this list can go on and on…

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I am a hopeless romantic!
I am missing/yearning romance, companionship and love in my life.
According to Urban dictionary, a hopeless romantic is a person who is in love with love. They believe in fairy tales and love. All hopeless romantics are idealists. They are sentimental dreamers, they are imaginative and they are fanciful when you get to know them. They often live with rose colored glasses on. They make love look like an art form with all the romantic things they do for their special someone. They think of love passionately. Never loses hope on love.

Labels, what are they good for?

Labels tell you what's inside, what's not included and what to expect. Labels are everywhere: cans, billboards, commercials, purses and clothes, offices, cleaning supplies, computers, mail, pretty much anything you can think of is a label. Labels are used for branding, diagnosing, religion, personal achievements, categorizing ourselves...

...and labels are used in relationships; seeing each other, dating, going out, boyfriend, girlfriend, exclusive, couple, fuck buddies, etc. Some would argue that labels in relationships are overrated or place unnecessary pressure on a relationship. On the contrary, I think labels can help to shed light to your relationship. The label does not have to be the end all. It doesn't create the relationship. The label creates an understanding, a verbal mutual agreement. It indicates a certain level of commitment. Without labels, all you have is a vague/ambiguous relationship. So just call it what it is! (unless of course you fear commitment?)

This does not go without saying that words, labels, promises, and commitments are only as meaningful as someone takes them seriously and abides by them. But isn't that the point of a relationship, trust?

I'm ready for a solid relationship, but still a little hesitant, yet definitely want to be exclusive. I'm in no rush, but when it's there I won't be afraid to call it what it is!

Also, let me just end by saying that I don't agree that all labeling is good. Labels can rob an individual of their uniqueness. Labels can establish a sense of false identity and status. It is only human nature to classify and organize things, even if it is to our own detriment.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
Two things I currently love that don't involve my son: racquetball and dancing! I go dancing every Wednesday night and play racquetball 2-3 days a week. They are both great workouts and I have so much fun. I'm always smiling, laughing, and simply enjoying myself. It's really the only thing I've been doing these days that seem to be just for me! And while doing it, I'm so consumed in the activity that the whole drama of life eludes me (even if it's momentary). I'm passionately addicted to both. Plus, I'm getting really goooood at both!

My Mental Machine

I'm not lacking in my beauty sleep. I get about 8 hours of sleep every night (except for Wednesday night, my dancing night). I work out almost everyday (racquetball, running, weights, and Pilates). I take my vitamins almost daily (I'm forgetful, remember?). I eat healthy (maybe not adequately at times of stress). I don't drink caffeinated drinks. I'm in excellent condition. Yet, I still feel tired, pooped, zonked, and sleepy all the time. I wake up feeling tired. I'm sluggish at work. I'm taking naps on the weekend now (never used to). I yawn excessively (see Jeff, it's not you!). I simply lack energy.

It's all in my head, what I call my mental machine. It never stops, in constant motion (a blessing and a curse). It impacts me emotionally, spiritually, physically, socially, cognitively, and even intellectually. Currently, I seem to be in a state of mental overload, causing frequent but temporary meltdowns and mostly fatigue. I need to turn the machine OFF! I need to shutdown for a while. Any ideas how?

A mind is a terrible thing to overload. I need peace of mind.

I'm thinking I'm in need of another solo vacation. Spain comes to mind. What do you think, Ali-baba?

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
Did you know that most alcoholic beverages contain all 13 minerals necessary to sustain human life?

"I need to get my drink on!"

Funny Video:
http://sjl.funnyordie.com//v1/landing.php

Heart vs. Mind

Do you ever feel like your heart and mind are in constant battle with each other?
Your heart tells you to do one thing, but than your mind justifies why you shouldn't. You agree with your mind, and don't do what you originally intended to. But then you are afraid that the heart was right to begin with. But of course, listening to the heart makes you more vulnerable. So your mind tells you to protect yourself so you don't get hurt. All the while, you are still hurting a little inside for not following your heart to begin with. My mind tells me to let go, give up, but then my heart starts to tingle and play tricks on me. Or is it my mind playing tricks on me? What do you do? How do you know? Maybe it's more important to follow my mind at this time in my life. And when I'm ready to follow my heart, I will. OR maybe I'm just scared chicken shit! Because ultimately, I know it's my heart I should always follow.

Don't you just wish, you can just look into a crystal ball that tells you to follow your heart or not?

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
Am I lost or just changed forever? I used to be the person who always says to follow your heart, risk the hurt for the possibility of great love, even if lost in the end, the person who believes in true love...where did she go? I now follow my practical, complex mind. And, it's this mind that has made a mess of me in this dating world. Damn you, mind! Why do you have to play tricks on me? I'm sorry I didn't follow my heart more (you know who you are out there…I'm talking to you!). If I only had a crystal ball, huh? Maybe, you were right, it was just a timing thing. Either way, my mind sucks right now!

Will I find my way back or will I fall deeper into this fear-driven black hole?

I would like to believe this is just temporary! It will pass! I will embrace love and follow my heart some day. I believe I will find my way! How? I HAVE NO IDEA!

Heart vs. Mind
My mind is winning, but my heart is losing!

Is Buddhism for me?

I was born and raised Jewish. Through my adult years, I've grown to be more spiritual than religious. This is how it works for me: I believe in a spiritual, higher power, God if you will. But I do not envision God as a being, a man, a real person, or even our creator. I believe this power is more complicated than we can ever understand.

I don't believe it is God who created us in his image, but more that man created God in his image and as man's own image changes so does that of his God. For example, some are starting to believe God could be female…the cause of present time feminism?

I don't believe in organized religion. It is man created and self-serving. For me, it's not what religion you are or what God you believe in, but more about the person that you are or become. I believe in compassion, decency, and respect for human beings. I believe in the basic DO NOTS: do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal and do not lie. Is it safe to say that these are principles of all religions? To me there is no right or wrong religion, it is your beliefs...it is in your heart. Go ahead, create your own religion.

Overall, belief (which comes from any and all religion) is important to life, a good way of life. In talking with someone recently about my personal distinct beliefs, he remarked saying "oh, so you're a Buddhist." My reply was immediately "no." But apparently my spiritual being is closely related to the teachings and beliefs of Buddhism than I ever knew. I never studied Buddhism before, unless you count reading the Siddhartha book in high school. It's amazing that my inner thoughts and beliefs on religion and philosophy are naturally drawn towards Buddhism. After my friends comment, I became more intrigued with Buddhism, to see how it fits in my belief system.

And so here are some things I found (since this is not a research paper, I am not citing...please forgive me):

• One amazing fact that appeals to me is that there have never been any wars fought in the name of Buddhism.
• Buddhism is not considered a religion, as defined by "a system of faith and worship owing any allegiance to a supernatural being." It does not demand "blind faith." Belief is based on knowledge.
• True wisdom is not simply believing what we are told but instead experiencing and understanding truth and reality. Buddha himself asked his followers to test the teaching rather than accept his word as true. Buddhism depends more on understanding than faith.
• Karma underlines the importance of all individuals being responsible for their past and present actions.
• The law of cause and effect is known as karma. Nothing ever happens to us unless we deserve it. We receive exactly what we earn, whether it is good or bad. We are the way we are now due to the things we have done in the past. Our thoughts and actions determine the kind of life we can have. If we understand this, we do not need to fear karma. It becomes our friend. It teaches us to create a bright future.
• All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.
• Buddhism teaches that wisdom should be developed with compassion. Compassion includes qualities of sharing, readiness to give comfort, sympathy, concern, caring. In Buddhism, we can really understand others, when we can really understand ourselves, through wisdom.
• Wealth does not guarantee happiness and also wealth is impermanent.
• Nothing is lost in the universe. Matter turns into energy, energy turns into matter. If we destroy something around us, we destroy ourselves. If we cheat another, we cheat ourselves.
• Rebirth is part of the continuous process of change. In fact, we are not only reborn at the time of death, we are born and reborn at every moment.
• Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense. ~ Buddha
• Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it. ~ Buddha
  

This, my friends, is my way of thinking, my way of life. Without knowing it, I believe in a large chunk of Buddhism. Obviously, there is more to this religion/philosophy I need to explore, which is why I am now going to devote some time and energy studying Buddhism. It's the closest I've come to finding something that fits MY beliefs. Maybe Buddhism is for me?

Before I go, let me leave you with this story:
A daughter is learning from her mother how to make a pot roast. In preparing the roast, the mother cuts off the top layer of the roast. The daughter asks her mother "why are you cutting the top portion of the roast off?" The mother says "That's how my mom did it." The daughter later asked her grandmother. And the grandmother's reply was the same, "That's how my mom did it." To the daughter, this answer did not seem rational or sensible. So luckily, the daughter was able to ask her great-grandmother why she prepared the pot roast like that. Her reply was "Back then, my oven was too small to fit the whole roast."

The mother and grandmother had big enough ovens for their roast, but kept wasting the top of the roast.

What is the moral of the story? Why do you think I mentioned this story in a topic of religion? If I need to explain, just go back to church and do as you're told or you'll go to hell.

Don't be afraid to ask questions.

P.S. I think this is the longest blog ever. And, the original was even longer…I cut some stuff out.

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Before I go, let me leave you with this:
The value of a man resides in what he gives and not in what he is capable in receiving.
~ Albert Einstein

P.S. Are you a giver or a receiver?

Strong Enough

Am I really that strong?
Why does everyone think that I'm so strong?
I still hurt.
I still cry.
I still get lonely.
I still feel betrayed.
I still fall apart.
I still get angry.
I still feel sad.
I'm afraid.
I'm cynical.
I'm confused.
I'm not strong, I'm a wreck.

What defines a strong person?

I remind myself that this recent discovery doesn't change the fact that he still left our marriage/our family like a coward.
I remind myself to be grateful he left me.
I remind myself I'm independent, I don't need a man.
I remind myself I have so much to live for and so much to give.
I remind myself that at the end of this experience I will come out on top.
I remind myself to believe. Believe in my karma.
Mostly, I remind myself that it's okay to feel less than strong. I'm only human!

Before I go, let me leave you with a few related quotes:
"What does not kill me makes me stronger."
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger in the broken places."
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated."
~ Ernest Hemingway

"To err is human, to forgive divine."
~ Alexander Pope

"May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy."
~Author unknown

"I can handle anything that life throws at me - I may not be able to handle it well, or correctly, or gracefully, or with finesse, or expediently - but I will handle it. Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance!"
~ Author unknown

What? I can't hear ya!

My left ear got slammed by a blue Penn racquetball ball earlier today. Ouch! The shot to my ear sent me flying to the ground on my back. It left me with a nice stinging and ringing in my ear. After the throbbing pain subsided it went numb and quiet. It was beat red and all the sounds around me went hollow. And all the while I was cracking up. As I sit here, I can feel the bump/bruise exactly where my glasses landed and I still can't help but laugh. Especially when a few points later, I got one in the ass!

For those of you that don't know, I used to play high school and college tennis and was pretty damn good at it. I got challenged to a tennis match from these two guys at work. I played doubles with them (I had no partner) and whooped their asses! So years later, one of the guys wanted his revenge and asked me to play racquetball. The sport came pretty easy to me, but I just never realized how violent it can be. First off, I'm not used to those damn walls. So my shoulders and knees get banged up from hitting the walls. I've made instant bruises and goose-eggs. Even the floor has done some damage to my body. I've been pegged in my back and in my ass (and now my ear). I've been jacked to the floor by a 6'3 player. Suffice it to say, it's aggressive out there! But I love it! So thank you, Mark for the brutal introduction to racquetball and for the shot to the ear!

Racquetball anyone?

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
My friend's kids just walked into my office. Two cute boys: Daniel and Michael. They were awesome! They talked about farting and camping! We were all laughing so hard! Except for Frank (dad), who was hushing us the whole time. They just left and now I've got this huge smile on my heart!

I can't wait for Mathew to get older. But I know better than to rush his growing up, especially when time seems to be just flying right on by. He'll be 18 months in 2 days.