I love being a mommy!

Today marked a developmental milestone for Mathew. To most of you this story will seem so trivial and inconsequential. But to me, it was amazing.

Mathew and I were in his room with the doors closed. The lights were off but there was an evening glow from the street light right outside his window. I just bathed him so his hair had that fresh Johnson & Johnson smell. I was sitting in his little blue denim chair that he got for his birthday from his auntie in Boston. Next to this chair is my leather recliner chair, which is being used less and less. So it's that time of the night that I read him a book. For the most part, he doesn't really pay attention. I would always think that my voice was just background noise or a nuisance. As I read him a story, he riffles through the pages of other books just for the pictures, (typical man). Rarely does he sit still long enough to sit on my lap. Tonight, though, he approached me for a lap request. So as he was flipping pages through the book, I was reading the book out loud (with him sitting on my lap). We read the book about 2 times. Here comes the good part. So he skootches off my lap, almost head first until I realized he wanted off my lap. So I thought "well there's the end of that nice moment." Instead, he walked over to his book collection, picked out another book, carried it back and handed it to me, and signaled for the pick me up on your lap move. In that moment, I felt astonished, amazed, and proud. There were so many things about that moment that I loved. I don't know if I can describe it well enough to give you the slightest sentiment of that moment. I loved that he wanted me to read another book. I loved that he knew to get off my lap to pick another book. I loved that he knew to bring it back to me so I would read it to him. I love that he knew how to communicate to me. I loved that he wanted to go back on my lap. I love that he loves reading time. After all this time, I thought he didn't care about reading time. I love that he is such a loving boy. By the end of the 2nd book, the 2nd time around, he was leaning his head against my chest in the nook of my shoulder. That was so special. You see, he doesn't fall asleep in my arms anymore (for a while now). And I miss that. So now instead we share special moments like this. I love that this is just the beginning of many more special moments. So little, yet so amazing! I love Mathew!

Before I go, let me share other moments that melt my heart:
I love when Mathew opens his mouth and leans in to kiss me out of nowhere.
I love when he wobbles his way towards me just to give me this great big hug and then goes back about his business.
I love the look on his face when he first spots me at school to pick him up. His face lights up, he smiles hugely, and he runs head down towards me.
I love it when he laughs after I do something silly.
I love it when he tries to get my attention by giving me an airborne zerbert.
I love the silly faces he makes when I take out the camera.
I can go on so let me just finish by saying:
I love being a mommy!

Disconnect

Definitions for understanding this blog:
World = people and all man made things
Earth = Mother Nature and all things natural

Ever want to just disconnect?

Today I want to disconnect from this world. Escape all senses of reality. No emotions. No feelings. No responsibilities. No world around me. Just me with nothing and earth. I want to disconnect from the world around me, but absorb the earth itself. Absorb nature, beauty and all its natural possessions. Too many distractions; like earthlings, technology, and cars. Walked tonight to escape and disconnect. I just wanted peace, silence, solitude, nothingness. Just Disconnect. Absorb sunset of orange and pink, admire looming rain clouds and a crescent moon, hear birds chirping, and watch water ripples from the crisp breeze and sense the coolness on my skin... Yet, with all of that, there's just no leaving this world. It's just always there. Interrupted by the beeps from construction trucks in reverse. Cars and loud bikes. Horns and sirens. And earthlings!!! Can you really ever disconnect from the world or are you always bound to this world with all its earthlings till death? For life? Ironic how in this world we (earthlings) create this ceremonious binding contract called marriage and announce our love "till death do us part" as if it has any meaning or value. What value does it have if you can easily disconnect in a marriage, it's called a divorce. But this earth we live in...is the only true binding contract we will ever enter "till death do us part" (even if not by choice). Yet, we ruin earth by trying to make it our own world, forgetting it's not for ours to keep. We never appreciate the little intricacies of earth, Mother Nature. Mother Nature never divorces us, never deserts us...it's all around us. The unconditional love that exists is in everything around us. Take a moment to disconnect from this world and reconnect with this earth.

All I need is fleeting moments of disconnect. Not a divorce from this world, just moments of escape. Are there too many distractions? Maybe in Hawaii I will find my disconnect. If not, I always have it in my mind.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I had an emotional day.
Tears
Laughs
Deep breaths
Sighs
Pilates
Walks
Long talks
Cramps
Exhaustion
Self-reflecting
Looking for my 30 minutes of disconnect

Love Theory No. 9

How do you know if he is the person you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with? I was asked this question last night. My friend just went to a wedding and this was a question she wanted to ask me specifically, since at one point I was with the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life and now will not be. So how do you know? Here is my brief answer:

You follow your heart. My theory is that there is more than one person on this earth for you. This person should be your friend first and foremost. And lastly, love is all about timing. This is just my theory. We are compatible to love many of the people we cross paths with. Do both hearts want to unite at the same time?

Due to some recent experiences in my life, I'd like to add to this theory that it's not just about timing when you meet, but timing for the rest of your life. You both have to want it, make changes, and compromise not just at the start but all the way through till the end. Love grows, people change, and life happens. For love to last, it's all about timing. Will both hearts unite at the same time, and continue to grow and change together for the rest of time? Because even after nine years, there is no guarantee that the timing will be right (my case in point). How do you know if it will last? You don't! That's the risk in love. To me it's worth it. And I will risk it again.

That last line reminded me of a song: There's always a song that applies, right?
If I'd've known the way that this would end
If I'd've read the last page first
If I'd've had the strength to walk away
If I'd've known how this would hurt
(Chorus:)
I would've loved you anyway
I'd do it all the same
Not a second I would change
Not a touch that I would trade
Had I known my heart would break
I'd've loved you anyway
~Trisha Yearwood

Before I go, let me leave you with a few quotes about love:
I'll leave my heart wide open. I will love and have no fear. ~ Brad Paisely

'Tis better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all. ~ Alfred Lord Tennyson

Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly. ~Sam Keen

Cowboy Up!

So this weekend, I rode the mechanical bull! It is a sexually provocative ride to say the least. It wasn't about trying to last more than 8 seconds, which I did by the way. It was about the guy behind the joystick making your ass fall to the padded floor after he has toyed with you by gyrating you up and down, side to side, and shaking your ass. And all the meanwhile, another guy with a highbeam flashlight pointing out certain body parts for all to see. After falling several times, I am now left with sore inner thighs, a deep dark purple bruise on my inner left thigh, and a slightly sore left tricep. Besides the aftermath, my experience was exhilarating, left me horny and unfortunately unsatisfied. Here are some highlights:

- After falling to the padded floor and walking away to the exit, the man behind the joystick operated the bull to come from behind me and knock me back down.
- I fell on my back, the second I looked up, I could see the bull between my legs shaking it's head back and forth like a frothing animal in heat.
- I broke the bull's neck...yes I swear! The mechanics had to stop my ride to fix the neck.
- I rode the bull reverse cowgirl style! (didn't last 8 seconds in that position)
- I had a moment of "Look Ma no Hands!" haha

I had so much fun. Pictures were taken of this event. As soon as I get my hands on them, I will post them for ya'll to see. Stay tuned.

Cowboy up!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
It seems that I've been saying "there's always next year" my whole life. For those of you that don't know what I am talking about; it's the 1-5 Miami Dolphins record. I feel like a Red Sox fan before 2004. Yuk! Let's just hope we don't have to wait 86 years. So I finish by saying "there's always next year!"

Here is a secret from the fox

"It's quite simple: One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes."

~ from the fox in The Little Prince by Antoine De Saint-Exupery

Before I go, let me leave you with this wish:
Have a great weekend! I know I sure will...celebrating my big 30, drinking many cocktails, riding the mechanical bull, and all that good stuff!

Blame

Why is it that sometimes I still blame myself for my failed marriage?
When I talk to my friends about it, most of them just think I'm not over him and that I would take him back if I had the chance. I really hate that. What most of my friends don't realize is that I would NEVER take him back. But why is it not okay to still think I could have done more? When being with other married couples (as happy as we were at one point), I think how the hell did my marriage not work out? I wonder what I did wrong. Is it normal to sit here and blame myself? I'm always the type of person that looks to blame herself first rather than point blame to others in any situation. But in this case, I realize and understand that this failed marriage was not my fault AT ALL. I know fully well I did everything I could to try to make it work. I loved him with everything I had (all the way to the end). Yet, there's this slightest thought that slivers into my head that maybe it was my fault. I know better than to think like this. But I just wanted to share...you know, I'm not perfect. I know most of you are shocked to hear that. hee

Just know this:
In the end (which is what this is - OVER), I am grateful for this failed marriage. It has been a catalyst for positive personal transformation. So I say THANK YOU!

Before I go, let me leave you with the chorus lyrics of Fighter by Christina Aguilera:
'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Hard Life

I hate it when people bitch about having a hard life. Because really, don't we all have hard lives...or actually maybe life isn't hard at all, it's just life. But let's just say, for this blog sake, that "hard life" is defined as an event or series of unforeseen circumstances that is not something wished upon or desired. With that said, I repeat, don't we all have hard lives? We can get technical here and talk about the different levels of hardships, but ultimately I believe that only you can decide if you want to live a hard life or not. It doesn't matter if you are rich, famous, or influential. Life doesn't discriminate. We will all be dealt crappy hands from time to time. The question is how do you deal with it? How do you react to life when life happens? To me, this is what defines you, your life. I believe in the power of positive attitude. There is always something to live for, to make you happy. So Choose! Decide! It's your life, dammit!

"Thoughts have power; thoughts are energy. And you can make your world or break it by your own thinking." ~ Susan Taylor

Before I go, let me leave you with a quote I found inspiring during a time when I worked for a condescending boss. This boss made my life a living hell. I hated getting up in the morning, I became a cautious worker, scared to say something, and afraid to work too hard or too little...I was miserable. My life at home was all about her; complaining, crying, and reliving the horrible moments at work. I had to put an end to this. I realized that no matter what I did or said, she will still be the same condescending boss. So why live miserably. No, I did not quit my job. I chose to change my attitude and accept the things I cannot change. It wasn't easy. But it changed my life. My life was my own again. From this day, I remember this experience and how it can relate to everything else in my life (work, love, family, friends) I posted this quote in my office as a daily reminder:

No one can ruin my day, but me!

Toy Packaging

Okay, so what is up with toy packages? Why does it have to be so damn hard to get the toy out of the box? My son is sitting there looking at this colorful, musical toy and all he wants to do is play with it. It took me a minimum of 20 minutes to open each toy package. Depending on the complexity of the toy, it was a lot longer. I needed scissors, screw drivers, nails, and my teeth. First the package is taped up on every side at least in 2 places. Then the toy is within another box of packaging, which is then secured by these metal tie wraps that are twisted ridiculously and tied to these plastic belt-like clips. Scissors are not always the easy answer to these twisty ties. Is it really necessary to package toys like this? These toys survive being dropped, thrown, and banged around. What is the point of all this security? If only the government can protect our nation's security the way manufacturing companies protect and secure their toys. Where are the creative people to come up with a simple protective packaging technique? The battery manufacturing companies have finally created a better package for batteries. Remember, trying to open battery packs on the go. It was impossible. Now, battery packages come with this handy perforated tab to pull and open the package, et voila! No worries, no hassle! So you know it can be done, but why hasn't it been done yet for toys or CDs. Why have they invented tools and gadgets to open CD packages instead of just reinventing a new package? It's ridiculously stupid and frustrating! I hate stupid people! Stupid people in this case are the manufacturing companies designing these packages.

Okay so there's my 10 minute bitch session.

Mathew's party was just great fun. We both had such a blast. The cake was a messy situation. I have my brother Philippe to thank for that. Put it this way, I felt like I was at a pie throwing contest and Mathew and I were the faculty at college getting tortured by our students for some fundraiser. Pictures coming soon. By the end of the day, Mathew was walking around in a sugar delirious drunken stupor. He passed out in the car and even puked a bit too. Wow, and he's only one. Imagine when he turns 21! At home, we opened all the gifts. Mathew loved his new toys! At the end of the night, mom enjoyed her well-needed jasmine aroma bath. It was a beautiful day!

Before I go, let me leave you with this devastating thought:
What if the hokey pokey is not what it's all about?

Happy 1st Birthday!

Happy 1st Birthday Mathew!

I love you! And I'm so proud of you!

Mom

October

Wow! I can't believe October is already here. Time sure flies when you're having fun or when you are a mommy! Mathew will be "1" this Wednesday...wow! A year ago today, I was all belly and ready to pop him out. Life was great then...I had my whole life planned, the family, the dog, the house, the white picket fence, etc. All my dreams were coming true little by little. And well my life got flipped upside down. My whole course of life got derailed and (what I thought at the time) devastated any chance of future happiness. But after the train wreck, after I picked up the pieces, I noticed life is still great! I have a beautiful, healthy, loving son! He is my everything. As I fight back tears right now, all I can think about is how blessed I am. Mathew makes me so strong. I obviously never wanted this for myself...you know being a single mom at thirty. But now that I am here, I am so proud of myself and where I am today. I always believed in the strength within myself, but it wasn't until I was tested that I realized how strong and resilient I can be. I know my capabilities are endless now. I have so much to look forward to. This year has been a hell of an emotional ride and I wouldn't change any of it. The best part of this year is motherhood. Motherhood suits me. It was what I was meant to be. I love being a mom! And when I explain all of this to my friends who still ask me about my situation, they can see this true happiness inside of me, this glow. I'm glad that it shows…because I really am happy and happy that life turned out the way it did for me.

Ironically, the song I am listening to as I am writing this is "Life Ain't Always Beautiful" by Gary Allen (see lyrics below). I think I posted the lyrics to this song before, but oh well, you need to read them again.

Before I go, let me leave you with another Dr. Seuss quote (I love Dr. Seuss):
"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."



Lyrics for Song: Life Ain't Always Beautiful by Gary Allen


Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggle makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' it sweet time

[chorus]
No,life ain't always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life ain't always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way

But the struggles makes me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' its sweet time

No, life ain't always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life ain't always beautiful
But its a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride