Seven Prayers

I came across one of my journals this morning and found seven specific prayers written haphazardly yet intentionally. They came from a book I read many, many moons ago, Seven Prayers That Can Change Your Life, by Leonard Felder. It's a cross between self-help and religious/spiritual. The prayers are based from the Jewish faith. As most of you know about me, I am not religious. I believe in humanity and spirituality. However, from religion I can enliven my spirituality and personal beliefs. From what I remember, I found these prayers to be spiritual and meditative like (mostly if you read the chapters along with them). Let me share the seven prayers jotted down and you can determine for yourself.

Here's a prayer:
1. To start each morning –
"I am so thankful in front of you, Ruling Force of Life and Existence, who restores and renews my soul with compassion. You are dependable beyond measure."

2. To help you refocus –
"Blessed are You, the Eternal One, Pulsing Source of all that exists in the world, who guides us on ways to become holy, and who inspires us to lift our hands (to raise up our actions and be of service)."

3. To resolve tension and misunderstanding
"May the One bless you and safeguard you. May the One illuminate your way and be gracious unto you. May the One raise up in your direction and encourage you and give you a sense of wholeness and peace."

4. So you can unwind and find peace
"Blessed are You, Eternal One, Energy source of the universe, who brings fourth bread from the Earth…"

"Through whose expression everything came to be."

5. To help heal the body and soul
"May the source who blesses our ancestors…send speedily a complete recovery from heaven…a recovery of the spirit and a recovery of the body."

6. For breaking free from a habit
"I place the Eternal before me always."

7. To help end the day
"Help us, Eternal One, to lie down in peace, and to rise up, our Ruling Force to life. Spread over us the sheltered covering of your peace and wholeness…"

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
Are you open to the idea...any idea?

SPAIN

OMG - I'm going to Spain. I just booked my flight. I'm so freakin' excited. The best part is I only paid $104.15.

WOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOO! I'm doing cartwheels over here in my office!

See you in Spain, Ali!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
NOW…I need to get my passport! SHIT! Thank you Social Security Card Office for losing my passport!

On My Mind

My mind is currently filled with a slew of uncompleted thoughts.
It's erratic with no logic.
My mind is bouncing inside giving me a headache.
It's driving me crazy.
My mind is in a hurry to nowhere.
It's on the tip of my tongue.
My mind is nowhere and everywhere.
It's wired to self-destruct.
My mind…oh if you only knew what was on my mind!

~ sol

Before I go, let me leave you with this question:
What's currently on your mind?

Homecoming

Our homecoming:

The hugs were not just hugs. They were warm and inviting. They were comforting and loving. They were right where we belong, in each other's arms.

The kisses were not just kisses. They were open mouth and funny. They were many and all over. They were perfectly fit, kiss to kiss.

The smiling was not just smiling. They were glowing and happy. They were sparkling and permanently fixed. They were so glad to be back home smiles.

The playing was not just playing. They were silly and giggly. They were rolling and swaying wrapped tight in each other. They were back were they belong.

The stares were not just stares. They were gazing in amazement. They were pride and joy. They were never leave me again, I want you by my side always.

The sleeping was not just sleeping. They were tossing and turning. They were up and about. They were wanting more of you and can I sleep with you tears?

The morning was not just morning. It was sunshine and happiness. It was tender and cuddly. It was a welcoming wake up call face to face.

Life is back to normal.
Life is good.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
Mathew wasn't too thrilled to go back to school. It was almost as if he forgot how much fun he has there. He did not want me to leave him. It melted my heart. After almost 30 minutes, I had to leave though. So we said our usual good-byes, the teacher picked him up, and I heard his cries all the way down the hall. And that's when my heart ached.

My To-Do List

My To-Do List

• Explore and live the different cultures around the world
• R.V. through the continental United States with no itinerary
• Own a small home on a huge lot
• Write the novel sitting inside of me
• Earn my Ph.D.
• Learn to play the guitar
• Go to Wimbledon with my dad
• Swim with a dolphin (preferably in the wild)
• Run a marathon
• Ski in Colorado
• Publish a book of my poems and drawing
• Add more on my to-do list…
  

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I want my baby back, baby back, baby back!
One more day!

Beautiful Disaster

I am a walking contradiction, an emotional wreck, a ticking time bomb, a beautiful disaster! Stay away from me if you know what's best for you.

I am bitter towards my ex-husband for what he did, but I am grateful that he left.

I have accepted my situation, embrace my new life and love it, but I have not forgiven him (It was an unforgivable act).

I am longing for companionship, but push away the slightest invite.

I am a very trusting person (almost to the point of naïve), but I don't believe the words that spew out of a man's mouth especially if they are complimentary.

I can believe what you say is sincere, but it just don't mean jack!

I want to love a man and be loved, but I don't believe in love.

I want a family unit, but I love just the two of us (or three if you include Harley).

Maybe these contradictions are just signs that I don't know what I want. Or maybe I know what I want but I am just too damn scared. Actually, I know I'm scared. I've built a steel iron wall around my heart that I'm afraid is now too tough to break down.

Do you ever get over the hurt? Do you ever let your guard down once you've been burned? I believe it's important to completely heal before starting all over again. But I don't ever foresee me getting over the hurt, the betrayal. I feel like I will always be bitter about what happened to me. Even though I feel like I am better off without him. Even though I feel like I have so much better ahead of me. I feel like I can never forgive him, even though I accept it. If a man can love you, truly love you, but then just decide one day to walk away (for whatever the reasons may be)…how can I ever trust to love again? I fear that excruciating pain of betrayal! How can I ever believe in love now? Love just doesn't mean anything. You can say you love me but it doesn't mean anything. You can promise me the world, but it still gets me nowhere. After all the love, commitment, and promises you make, you can still walk away and leave me with nothing. I figured that love is nothing without devotion. I want a man to devote me, my son, and our family. And obviously devotion means love, but you can love without devotion (i.e. my ex-husband).

Anyway, enough of my cynical love views…

Just give me a month or so and I'm sure you'll see a blog about how love is awesome! HAHAHA… I told you, I'm a wreck!

Before I go, let me you with this quote:
Love means nothing to a tennis player.

Going up?

This afternoon you would have found me at the gym running on a treadmill located on the third floor near the elevator. I was astounded to see the number of gym goers who were using the elevator. We are at a gym and people were using the elevator…what is wrong with that picture? To me it was a little absurd to say the least. Are we so hell bent on convenience and fast pace lifestyles that we are willing to become a bunch of lazy fat imbeciles for it? Not me, no thanks! It also kills me when people use the elevator to or from the second floor. Understandable when the stairs are some dimly lit, urine infested, decrepit hole in the wall. But where I work, it's no where near understandable. Not only are the stairs conveniently located as you walk into the building, but they are actually in a beautiful location where the sun beams down through the atrium windows. Yet, as I go in the elevator to the fourth floor (yes I should probably use the stairs more often), but how dare someone who is only using it to and from the second floor. Come on people! These are the same people who probably complain about their weight and health. Well duh, if you're that lazy to take the elevator to the second floor or while you are the GYM, you have no right to complain as if you are cursed by bad fat genes? Maybe this all too easy for me to say, being that I am of a petite figure. Or maybe not since I do use the stairs at the gym all the time, occasionally at work to the 4th floor too (depending on the shoes I'm wearing – forget about it if I'm wearing heels). I do watch what I eat (no fast food and minimal junk, if any), work out in the gym (among other physical activities), and maintain a healthy mind. I don't know…your thoughts on elevator laziness?

On a side note, I did some rock climbing at the gym today. That was fun and a really good workout.

Before I go to sleep (and yes I'm up past my bedtime), let me leave you with this:
There are echoes of my son's voice in my house. He safely landed in Boston, yet I can hear him as if her were just a room away. I miss my little booger!

Panic Attack

I couldn't fall asleep last night, which is very unusual for me, seeing that I'm always in bed by 10pm. I don't toss and turn. I just pass out from exhaustion every night. So as usual, my eyes were shutting down around 9:30pm last night in front of the TV. I went upstairs and started to read (it's never usually for too long). The thing was I never got tired again. I was just up reading and reading, then tossing and turning. I was getting a little worried with myself, which eventually lead to a minor panic attack. It didn't help when my son woke up with this screeching cry that bolted me out of bed. I cuddled with him for a while, but my anxiety just got worse from there. I had to leave his room. It went from just a feeling of restlessness to involuntary shaky legs, heart pounding, sweating, and shortness of breath. I think it was around 2am when I realized why this was all happening to me. You know how when you are going on vacation and the night before you can't sleep from all the excitement. Well, the same concept but with anxiety instead of excitement. It never occurred to me that I was anxious about my son leaving to Boston with his dad for a whole week. I was probably suppressing all my fears and worries. And they surely came out last night!! When I realized why I couldn't sleep is when I was finally able to control my anxiety and lull myself to sleep for a few measly hours.

And today is the first day without my son. 6 more days to go!

Before I go to eat lunch, since I'm starting to feel lightheaded, let me leave you with this song:
This song makes me cry every time. I swear this song was written for me.

Artist: Clint Black
Title: The Strong One

When God made woman I wonder sometimes
If it was a flower he had in mind when he made her
A touch as gentle as a butterfly
A kiss so sweet it could stop time forever
God gave man a chance to be the kind of strength a woman needs
He was suppose to be the one to carry that load

CHORUS:
But there she goes
Baby in her arms
World on her shoulder when her day starts
Working a job that don't pay much
but she thanks God it's enough
There she is
on her own two feet
He walked out
but she's still got dreams
Trys to laugh when she feels like crying
Nobody'd blame her if she quit trying
But she's got a heart that gives and gives
Now you tell me who the strong one is

Tonight's the first night in a while
She put on her makeup wearing a smile
She'd going out
And everything was all planned out
but the fever that the baby's got now
It's all shot down
She gives up what she wants to do for what she has to
That's what a momma does
She'll be there like she always is
when the sun comes up

CHORUS AGAIN
And there she is on her own two feet
He walked out but she's still got dreams
Trys to laugh when she feels like crying
Nobody'd blame her if she quit trying
But she got a heart that gives and gives
So you tell me who the strong one is

You tell me who the strong one is.

Words of Wisdom

Here are some words of wisdom but when put together are not so wise:

Actions speak louder than words
Yet, the pen is mightier than the sword.

Clothes make the man.
Yet, you shouldn't judge a book by its cover.

The only thing constant is change.
Yet, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Bigger is better.
Yet, the best things come in small packages.

The more, the merrier.
Yet, three's a crowd?

Money talks.
Yet, talk is cheap.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Yet out of sight, out of mind.

Two heads are better than one.
Yet, if you want something done right, you should do it yourself.

Knowledge is power.
Yet, ignorance is bliss.

In conclusion, here's my proverbial wisdom: "moderation in all things."

Before I go let me leave you with this:
What does a single mother do for a full week while her son is on vacation with his dad? Besides me missing him! This will be my first week at home sans Mathew since he was born. Any brilliant ideas?

Drama Queen

I feel like my life has been one drama story after the next. I am starting to feel like the kind of friend that only likes to talk about themselves. How annoying, right? I am the newly crowned drama queen!

Current drama (condensed version): Social Security Card Office lost my application packet, along with original passport, original social security card, and original divorce decree. So not only am I back to square one in reverting my name back, but I have at least 10 more things to do; protect my identity, report a lost passport, pay for a new one, obtain a new certified divorce decree at the Courthouse, and personally walk and WAIT in a social security office to re-apply for a name change on my social security card. Argh!!!!! My life seems like it's on this roll of shit, crappy luck! Does it ever end? When will my luck start to change? It's gotta go up from here, right?!

The answers from the wise one's around me: One day, you will laugh about it. Or it only makes you stronger. Or it could be a lot worse. God won't give you something you can't handle. Keep your chin up. You've come this far. You've got your health. Blah, blah, blah…just let me have my ten minute drama queen bitch session!

I understand life is never easy. It's how we handle, react, respond, and deal with our circumstances that determine our quality of life. I'd like to think I handle adversity quite well. But that doesn't mean I can't have my emotional breakdowns or my grumpy moods. At my breaking point this week, I wanted to jump off a cliff. Now that I'm leveled off, I just want to hug my son!

In the best of times and in the worst of times
gotta keep looking at the skyline
not at a hole in the road
lyrics from song by Johnny Clegg & Savuka

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
The one thing that frees me of life's stresses and worries is my son. When he's with me all the troubles around me lose their existence. All I need is my pookie. He's my savior!

Romantic Comedies

As defined by Wikipedia, Romantic comedy films are movies with light-hearted, humorous dramatic stories centered on romantic ideals such as a "true love" able to surmount most obstacles or the "perfect couple." Notice the words "romantic ideals." These romantic ideals almost always end with the theme saying "happily ever after." So what are your romantic ideals? I blame romantic comedies for feeding us all this romantic hooey that just doesn't seem to exist.

Romantic Comedies, also known to men as chick flicks, fool the minds and hearts of every little girl (okay and grown women) to not only fantasize but believe that one day their very own happily ever after will come true. RC (romantic comedies abbreviated for the purpose of this blog) rob us of our senses. The stories and actors are disguised to appear realistic when in truth it is just plain fiction conjured up by great storywriters (probably all women who also fantasize the same happily ever after ending). They are not real men and these are not real stories! However, our reality for romance becomes contorted. Our romantic ideals become flooded with the ideals of these RC. We're endlessly dreaming for the Mr. Perfect or Mr. Right. We lose sight of what is realistic and obtain these improbable expectations that no man can fulfill. This perfect envision designed specifically for us hopeless romantics. Only a fool would believe in this fiction. I think it would be safe for me to assume that most women are fools.

Maybe it's false hope or unrealistic hope, but it's hope nonetheless. I have personally fallen for the made-up men in RC. I daydream for Mr. Right to serendipitously walk into my life and make some spectacular gesture/effort. And even when the day comes that your happily ever after ends, you will still find hope in these RC. I know this because my happily ever after ended and I still hope and believe. Maybe no real life story is supposed to end happily ever after. But a girl can DREAM!

I love chick flicks!

Before I go, let me leave you with an all too appropriate poem "Nothing Gold Can Stay" by Robert Frost:
Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

Better than Good

It's now been a year since my now ex-husband left me. And I've never felt better. I am in this zone of complete empowerment. This amazing feeling was never more solidified than after I hired a financial advisor. I had no intentions of hiring a financial advisor. She just came into my life unexpectedly and well I jumped in on the opportunity. The end result was not just financial actions towards my future goals, but a feeling of complete and utter control of my life and my future! Wow! I've got control, power, independence, freedom, I loves it! I don't need a rich man; I don't need a man at all for that matter. I am so liberated, I don't know if any of you can understand.

It's this amazing realization that I can do it all and do it all on my own. And the biggest fulfillment and recognition is that I have been for over a year now. Duh? It only took me long enough to notice.

I've been a single mother (in all that it entails)
Giving Mathew all that he needs and more
Working full time
Cooking
Baking
Cleaning
Doing laundry
Paying the bills

And what I am really proud of is that I have rediscovered and made the time for the things that make me truly happy in life:

Making memories with friends and family
Reading
Dancing
Playing racquetball
Running
Even playing a round of golf
Oh and dancing on a pole…LOL

A year ago, I was in the worst torrential storm of my life. But the storm has passed and the sun is shining down on me. I am finally starting to see what all my friends were talking about. I AM strong even when I do cry! And I know I still have many struggles ahead of me, but I believe in myself; it won't stop me or bring me down. I am me and I am proud!!! I am proudest of being a mom!

To all my friends who believed in me and gave me the courage to carry on…I love you and thank you with all my heart!!!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I hope everyone has a fun-tastic and safe 4th! I got no plans yet…can I crash on your plans?


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