Top 10 Extreme things I want to do

I was recently invited to do something crazy and it immediately triggered many other crazy desires I've had over the years. I suppose I can blame age, finances, responsibility, and even now motherhood for moving these crazy ideas to the back of my to-do list. However now, I view life differently. When I think of all the things my brother did in his 39 years, I'm reminded of carpe diem; seize the day and place no trust in tomorrow! So I don't want to waste another minute putting any of my desires on hold. So I came up with a Top 10 list of crazy/extreme things I've always wanted to do, but haven't yet. So if anyone out there wants to help me accomplish these, hit me up and let's do it!!!

in no particular order:

10. Paint balling

9. Shooting in an outdoor range...shotguns, automatic rifles, and skeet shooting

8. Skydiving

7. Drive a race car at over 200mph

6. Drive a Harley Davidson

5. Horseback riding

4. Swim with the dolphins/stingrays

3. White water rafting

2. Safari in Kenya

1. Skiing/Snowboarding - this one will be checked off in March!

So who's with me?

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.

it's a boy

an unsettling feeling came over me

my thoughts yanked in every direction

a pitiful feeling enters my gut

for innocence shouldn't be taken lightly

a smirk peeking through my lips

as i visualize the irony of it all

my skin turns green in envy

as i wonder how is this fair

laughter billows in the deep parts of my belly

cause it's just too darn funny

my shoulders sunken with sadness

as i foreshadow the worries of the future

peace flows through my veins

as divine justice is served

happiness exudes through my gait

as i remember all the joys in my life

the unsettling feeling that came over me

mixed with an array of emotions

came to an end with a smile

mathew now has another half-sibling

i have all that i can ever ask for, all i ever need

happy alone

happy alone

don't need another half to make me whole

don't need a prince charming for my happily ever after

don't need to be someone else's trophy to feel good

don't need you to make my dreams come true

don't need a baby daddy

don't need a hero to save me

don't need you to complete me

I'm not saying I don't want to fall in love, cause I would...

right now...

I'm broadcasting my independence

I'm rejoicing in my freedom

I'm living my life, my way

and some day, I will love again, but for right now...

I'm happy alone

Five Words Meme

I decided to join in on the blog world word association meme game. You write about the first word that comes to your mind when you hear the "trigger" word. Kelly from My Voice, My View, a fellow awesome blogger, provided me with my 5 "trigger" words. So here it goes:

glorious - the heavenly sky, to elaborate it's this picture perfect image that I occasionally get to witness...it's when the sky is this perfect light blue color with fluffy white cotton candy clouds, and the sun is glowing and beaming golden rays that shine perfectly through the clouds, you only see these white shiny rays...and it gives this glorious look, that when you notice it, you can hear the angels sing and the harps playing....so glorious!

blanket - warmth, comfy, cozy, reading, and a glass of wine. (okay, that was more than one word).

walk - Harley, our black lab mutt. I miss our long walks.

scarlet - I immediately didn't go to the color, but instead the name; Scarlett O'Hara. I envisioned a spoiled, beautiful girl in a fancy green dress with a charming sassy attitude saying "I'll never go hungry again!" in her quaint southern accent.

dessert - indulge! - life is uncertain, eat dessert first!

If you're interested in playing too, just let me know and I'd love to give you five words.

My son amazes me!

My son amazes me!

Here's a little story, I'd like to document for my memory bank (one of the real reasons I blog).

Mondays are 'show and tell' days at school. Mathew loves this day. He gets to show off his favorite toys, stuffed animals, books, and such. Yesterday morning, he asked me "is it 'show and tell' day?" And before I can even get the word "yes" out of my mouth, he got all excited and ran upstairs. He came back down with his little red photo album. This album is photos of him and his Uncle Robin (about 40 plus pictures). I made this for him about a month after Robin passed away. I had a fear that he would forget who his Uncle Robin was (this fear is long gone now). I have found this album tucked up next to him at night while he is sleeping, moved in different locations, and left open many different times. He evidently views this album frequently, to my surprise. He talks about Robin, tells me he dreams of Robin, or that he imagines Robin sitting next to him. He does get sad at times and cries when missing Robin, but for the most part he expresses his thoughts of Robin in a positive way, as I try to role model that same positive behavior.

I just realized that I have to give you a back story (didn't blog about it - strange?!) before I carry on with today's story. On thanksgiving day of 2009, I took Mathew for the the first time to the cemetery to visit Robin. I was hoping to wait for the ability to go to the cemetery without crying, but I realized that idea is futile. But I didn't want to wait too long before taking him to visit either. I remember that it was a spontaneous last minute idea to go to the cemetery (maybe more for me) on our way down to my parents house for thanksgiving dinner. Mathew and I have still been sending balloons for Robin on the holidays and for 'just because' reasons, (which reminds me I need to buy eco-friendly balloons). So I thought, we would send the balloon from the cemetery this time, foolishly not aware of the possible reactions. On the way, I tried to prepare my son (again not fully envisioning or preparing myself for this "talk"). I totally winged it (oops)! I started with my first mistake, I told my son "we are on our way to see Robin." Idiot! Now he thinks we're actually going to see him. Smarty pants Mathew asks "are we going to heaven?" Great idea! Wouldn't that be an amazing trip!? So naturally, I had to clarify that we weren't actually going to see him, but that we were going to visit his "body" in a cemetery. This led to questions about the cemetery and discussion of appropriate behavior at the cemetery. I told him that many families have loved ones buried here and that we have to respect the cemetery and others, use our inside voices (even though we are outside), and walk only on the paved walkways, etc, etc. He asked many appropriate questions that I was proud to respond to. Then as I described to him that Robin was buried underground, I realize my next mistake. I literally smacked my hand on my forehead as soon as that came out of my mouth. I've been telling him Robin is up in heaven and now I'm saying he's buried underground. So before another smarty pants question could come out. I tried to explain the difference, that his body is underground in a box (coffin) and the his soul is up in heaven. Okay, no confusion there. Then he asked more about this box thing and why we bury people in a box. I did the best I could, talking about being buried with the dirt and how our body goes back into earth. I couldn't believe I was having this discussion with my four year old son, and who seemed to be clearly grasping this all (in his own way). Another back story, I didn't mention in my blogs, is about vultures. Mathew and I witnessed huge vultures eating a dead bird by our house many months before Robin even passed away. So I used that opportunity to give him a lesson on vultures; what kid of birds they are, where you can find them, what they eat, etc. Smarty pants Mathew asked me one time if vultures were going to eat Robin (knowing that vultures eat dead things). So, on our car ride to the cemetery, we were able to tie in the discussion of being buried underground where the vultures won't get to him and the cemetery. This car ride contained the most intellectual conversation about death, cemeteries, and heaven with my four-year old son. It didn't start there, nor did it end there. I still get questions and comments randomly. Like yesterday, he asked me "how do you talk if you're in heaven?" It is obvious he is thinking and processing this complex idea in his deep and thoughtful 4 year old head of his. Every story, every experience, every moment is magnificently absorbed by my son with such understanding and comprehension. I am truly amazed! Not to mention that me having to be so matter-of fact with my son about death has helped me cope with my brother's loss more than I can fully appreciate. The bluntness of my words I have to use for it to make sense to my son don't feel as sharp as they once did. They don't pain me to speak of the truth, the facts, what us adults usually have a hard time dealing with. I thank my son for helping ME deal with the truth, to smile and think positively about Robin. Back at the cemetery, I kept it brief. I showed him Robin's name on the makeshift sign (for now). We have to wait for the one year anniversary to put up the "headstone". I showed him what others looked like. We had a little talk about that. Yes, I cried a little hoping to mask it behind my huge sunglasses. There is no hiding my emotions from my son. He asks me why I was crying and I simply stated that I miss Robin. He told me that it would be okay and hugged me. I love his hugs, they cure all my grief! On our way out, we stopped by my aunt's plot. I told him that he never met her, but that she was a beautiful, loving aunt and is up in heaven with Robin. She is Mimi's sister and Mumu's (Muriel's) mom. We left a rock on her headstone and left to Mimi and Papa's house. The next day he wanted to send a balloon to heaven for Tata Lilianne and Robin! He has such a compassionate soul and huge heart...he's amazing (and I KNOW I'm biased)!

Okay, so back to today's story...let's see where did I leave off. Oh, Show and Tell Monday!

Mathew brings in his photo album of his Uncle Robin on Monday. This morning, when I drop him off, I asked the teacher how 'show and tell' went yesterday, since I was a little worried he may be too blunt with his words in front of the other children. I can tell she was worried too, but she said it ended up being just fine (sorta short and sweet). He didn't get sad, he just talked candidly about his Uncle Robin, showed his picture and said that he was in heaven. She told me that he has been drawing Uncle Robin several times now. She saved me the one he drew yesterday (and told me I will find others like this in his 'daybook'). The drawing I received this morning, was of Robin in a "box" in the cemetery. It wasn't a detailed drawing, it wasn't negative, dark, or gloomy, it was simple and matter-of-fact, like our conversations. That's why the teacher asked me if I took him to the cemetery. It was just that one time a couple months ago. Amazing! The teacher told me that this was healthy, he is expressing and processing his thoughts in a positive way. She tells me that he is so smart and maturely advanced for his age. He's doing just fine.

As I walked back to my car, drawing in hand, my heart broke into a little million pieces for Mathew. It's not right for a four year old to have to cope and learn about this. My heart hurts thinking that Robin is not here watching him grow, guiding him through "mental toughness" lessons, laughing, playing, sharing, hugging, and talking with him. It hurts to see Mathew hurting and missing Robin. All these thoughts came flooding in on this short walk, and as I sat in my car the flood of tears came pouring out (as I'm doing now).

Every story, every moment, every experience magnificently absorbed by Mathew with such understanding and comprehension. I am amazed! I am so proud of my son, especially in these emotionally, somber moments!

We ❤ you, Robin! and if it isn't obvious enough, we miss you tremendously!!! You are always, always with us in our thoughts, our dreams, and especially in our hearts.

❤ Forever Together ❤

Seriously?!

Okay, I need to vent about three of my online dating experiences in just a matter of one week...I find myself repeating these phrases a lot when it comes to my dating life...

Seriously?!

WTF?!

You've got to be fucking kidding me?!

One guy, who I initially ignored since he wasn't really my type decides to email me a second time with these few words: "do you have cute feet?" Now if you didn't interest me before, what makes you think asking a fetish question would peak my interest all of a sudden. Seriously?!

One guy, who I mistakenly gave my number to, thinking he seemed normal online, immediately started by stalk texting me with inappropriate crap and leaving voicemail messages. When I don't reply to his desperate attempts, he asks me if I'm alive? Seriously?! WTF?! If I keep ignoring him, maybe he'll think I'm not. One more text message and I will tell him to stop wasting his time.

One guy, who I end up meeting for drinks, is a lawyer...but only I would end up with probably the only lawyer who was a former police officer AND who used to work with my ex-husband. Seriously?! WTF? You've got to be fucking kidding me?! - for those that don't know, my ex-husband is a police officer and I don't want to discriminate but I'm not interested in dating the "civil servant" types. Even though, those seem to be the only types I attract. This guy however, beyond his clear job occupation flaws, loved to bully the conversation, talk over me, and tell me one cop story after another. Been there, done that, no thanks again!!

FM dating L!

The good thing is I'm in no hurry. I enjoy being single and wouldn't ruin that for just anyone.

Cheers!!

love the inked skin you're in

love the inked skin you're in

are you repelled

or does it attract you

do you see beauty

or is it trash to you

are you accepting

or do you judge me

do you cringe in disgust

or burst in sexual desire

am i someone different now

or still the same person to you

despite your notion, this ink i wear is not for you

i wear it proud without a care of what you think

~ sol

Top 10 things you don't know about me

Top 10 things you don't know about me (before reading this that is):

This list took a while for me to compile. I'm pretty much an open book and have nothing in my life to hide. Some of my friends may be familiar with a few items on this list, but that's why you're my friend. And so now, if you decide to read this, you will maybe know more about me than you'd like.

10. I started masturbating around 4th grade. Didn't know it was masturbating, just knew it felt good. This could be why men have a hard time pleasing me, since I've been pleasing myself most of my life.

9. As a little girl, I stole a pastel-colored pencil set while shopping with my mother and little brother. On the way out the store, a store officer stopped us. And even though my heart popped out of my chest and my eyes bulged with guilt, the focus was on my little brother. He was the one caught stealing a 2$ silly putty toy. And while my brother was getting reprimanded in the store office for a 2$ item, I was sitting there (silently guilt-stricken) with a stolen set of pastel-colored pencils in my purse, a value of $40. I never said a word. The look on my face was mistaken for empathy of my little brother. I'd like to say I never stole again as a kid from this experience, but that would be a lie.

8. I broke my left elbow monkeying around on the monkey bars in 7th grade. I didn't cry.

7. I was sexually harassed in high school by one of my teachers. I was extremely uncomfortable around him and had the luck to have him as a teacher for all four years. I dealt with it on my own, by ignoring the come-ons, being in denial, and pretending to be oblivious. It worked! Too bad that doesn't work as an adult.

6. I pick my nose in my sleep (both unconsciously and consciously).

5. My feet and legs are claustrophobic. My feet do not like to be confined under blankets. My legs cannot be pinned under anything without the feeling of panic rising through my body. I don't mind small spaces if I'm standing up on my feet. But if my feet and/or legs are immobile, cramped, or stuck, I go into an immediate state of panic.

4. I don't like sleeping on the bedside next to a window. I don't care which side of the bed I sleep on, as long as it's not next to a window. I think it stems from childhood nightmares I had of being kidnapped. I do sleep next to windows when necessary, I just play mind tricks on myself to get over it. I've definitely outgrown the fear of being kidnapped now it's just a silly quirk.

3. I secretly love disney channel shows, such as Hanna Montana, Wizards of Waverly Place, and The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. I can't even blame it on Mathew. He doesn't even watch these shows yet. I also secretly love lifetime movies.

2. I accidentally watched gay porn, thoroughly enjoyed it and was totally aroused.

1. And I leave this one for last, well because I'm still trying to come to grips with this one and have never admitted this to anyone, and I'm hoping maybe no one will read the entire blog and miss this last one all together. I have a high tolerance and perverse liking for pain. I don't seek pain out, I just don't mind it and sometimes I enjoy it. My tattoos did not hurt at all, in fact at times it felt oddly good. I prefer deep massages, that leave bruises the next day. And yes, like Mellencamp, it ain't no good, till it hurts so good! Masochistic? Maybe a little.

If you made it here, thanks for being a loyal reader, listener and friend. Hope you still will be after this post.

Lojong

As a follow up to my last blog...for those that might be interested.

According to Wikipedia, Lojong (often translated into English as Mind Training) is a practice in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition based on a set of proverbs formulated in Tibet in the 12th century by Geshe Chekhawa. The practice involves refining and purifying one's intent and way of thinking. Through the practice we undertake to connect with our world in an unconditionally positive way, and also to take full responsibility for our experience of it.

here is one translated version of the fifty-nine proverbs, broken down in seven points:

1. Preliminaries

✦ First, train in the preliminaries.

2. Formal Practice

✦ Treat everything you perceive as a dream.
✦ Find the consciousness you had before you were born.
✦ Let even the remedy itself drop away naturally.
✦ Stay in the primeval consciousness, the basis of everything.
✦ Between meditations, treat everything as an illusion.
✦ As you breathe in, take in and accept all the sadness, pain, and negativity of the whole world, including yourself, and absorb it into your heart. As you breathe out, pour out all your joy and bliss; bless the whole of existence.
✦ Understand your attachments, your aversions, and your indifference, and love them all.
✦ Apply these proverbs in everything you do.
✦ When practicing unconditional acceptance, start with yourself.

3. Using Adversity

✦ When everything goes wrong, treat disaster as a way to wake up.
✦ Take all the blame yourself.
✦ Be grateful to everyone.
✦ Don't worry – there's nothing real about your confusion.
✦ When something unexpected happens, in that very moment, treat it as a meditation.

4. Life and Death

Work with the Five Forces. The Five Forces are:
✦ Be intense, be committed.
✦ Familiarization – get used to doing and being what you want to do and to be.
✦ Cultivate the white seeds, not the black ones.
✦ Turn totally away from all your ego trips.
✦ Dedicate all the merits of what you do for the benefit of others.

Practice these Five Forces and you are ready for death at any moment.

5. Yardsticks

✦ All teachings have the same goal.
✦ Follow the inner witness rather than the outer ones.
✦ Always have the support of a joyful mind.
✦ Practicing even when distracted is good training.

6. Commitments

Always observe these three points:
✦ Regularity of practice.
✦ Not wasting time on the inessential.
✦ Not rationalizing our mistakes.

✦ Change your attitude, but stay natural.
✦ Do not discuss defects.
✦ Don't worry about other people.
✦ Work on your greatest imperfection first.
✦ Abandon all hope of results.
✦ Give up poisonous food.
✦ Don't be consistent.
✦ Don't indulge in malicious gossip.
✦ Don't wait in ambush.
✦ Don't strike at the heart.
✦ Don't put the yak's load on the cow.
✦ Remember – this is not a competition.
✦ Don't be sneaky.
✦ Don't abuse your divine power for selfish reasons.
✦ Don't expect to profit from other people's misfortune.

7. Guidelines

✦ In all your activities, have a single purpose.
✦ Solve all problems by accepting the bad energy and sending out the good.
✦ Renew your commitment when you get up and before you go to sleep.
✦ Accept good and bad fortune with an equal mind.
✦ Keep your vows even at the risk of your life.
✦ Recognize your neurotic tendencies, overcome them, then transcend them.
✦ Find a teacher, tame the roving mind, choose a lifestyle that allows you to practice.
✦ Love your teacher, enjoy your practice, keep your vows.
✦ Focus your body, mind, and spirit on the path.
✦ Exclude nothing from your acceptance practice: train with a whole heart.
✦ Always meditate on whatever you resent.
✦ Don't depend on how the rest of the world is.
✦ In this life, concentrate on achieving what is most meaningful.
✦ Don't let your emotions distract you, but bring them to your practice.
✦ Don't let your practice become irregular.
✦ Train wholeheartedly.
✦ Free yourself by first watching, then analyzing.
✦ Don't feel sorry for yourself.
✦ Don't be jealous
✦ Stay focused.
✦ Don't expect any applause.

be grateful to everyone

be grateful to everyone

this proverb is one of 59 proverbs used in the practice of lojong.

Lojong is a mind training practice in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition based on a set of proverbs used to refine one's intent and way of thinking. They are designed "as a set of antidotes to undesired mental habits, paranoia, and fixed ideas that cause suffering."

here's my homage to this proverb:

I am grateful to everyone.

I am grateful to you...

to the one who didn't believe in me and doubted my ability, I am grateful, for you strengthened my resolve and reinforced my determination.

to the one who broke my heart and didn't bother to look back, I am grateful, for you have empowered my independence and deepened my self-confidence.

to the one who doesn't listen and only cares of oneself, I am grateful, for you have bestowed more patience and intensified my compassion.

to the one who shattered my trust and lies without hesitation, I am grateful, for you have increased my wisdom and personal integrity.

to the one who stole from me a loved one, I am grateful, for you have tested my faith, nourished my belief system, and in the process, developed my new appreciation of life.

I am grateful to everyone, for you have made me a strong, compassionate, resilient, successful, self-empowered woman.

I am grateful.

I am grateful to you.

I am grateful to everyone!

~sol