Don't Look Back

As I was sorting through some junk mail, I came across a letter from a good friend. Part of her letter included a poem that at the time was so appropriate to the changes in my life and as I read it again, still is. It's one of those poems that everyone can relate to and keep with them throughout life. I hope you all can appreciate this as much as I do. Enjoy!

Don't Look Back
By Mary Engelbreit

As you travel through life there are always those times
When decisions just have to be made,
When the choices are hard, and solutions seem scarce,
And the rain seems to soak your parade.

There are some situations where all you can do
Is simply let go and move on,
Gather your courage and choose a direction
That carries you toward a new dawn.

So pack up your troubles and take a step forward ...
The process of change can be tough,
But think about all the excitement ahead
If YOU can be strong enough!

There might be adventures you never imagined
Just waiting around the next bend,
And wishes and dreams just about to come true
In ways you can't yet comprehend!

Perhaps you'll find friendships that spring from new things
As you challenge your status quo,
And learn there are so many options in life,
And so many ways you can grow!

Perhaps you'll go places you never expected
And see things that you've never seen,
Or travel to fabulous, faraway worlds
And wonderful spots in between!

Perhaps you'll find warmth and affection and caring
And somebody special who's there
To help you stay centered and listen with interest
To stories and feelings you share.

Perhaps you'll find comfort in knowing your friends
Are supportive of all that you do,
And believe that whatever decisions you make,
They'll be the right choices for you.

So keep putting one foot in front of the other,
And taking your life day by day ...
There's a brighter tomorrow that's just down the road ..
Don't look back! You're not going that way!

My favorite line: Don't look back! You're not going that way!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I have an eye exam today. I thought I had ridden myself of all eye exams, eye glasses, and contacts 8 years ago (when I had lasik surgery). But I noticed my vision deteriorating during my pregnancy, which at the time I chucked it up to pregnancy. Last year, I decided it was time to get eye glasses for night time driving, movies, and such. Now, I wear them all the time. So today, I'm getting contacts. Oh well…it was worth 8 years! And for sure, I will go back to do it again.

Crazy

The anticipation is creeping
It's seeping in my skin
Tingling the depths inside me

The waiting is unbearable
It's deafening my thoughts
Sending me into blissful dreams
The excitement is bubbling over
It's fizzing right through me
Sparkling sensations among us
The feelings are explosive
It's mysteriously enticing
Exhilarating and foolish
And oddly comfortable
Or maybe just simply crazy!

~ sol

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
Mathew's favorite color is yellow. He says yellow like this: yellellow! I love it!

Perfect Moms Don't Exist

If you think you're a perfect mom, you're not. If you think you should be the perfect mom, you're wrong. Life is not perfect and your children need to know that too. To struggle to obtain the unobtainable idea of being a perfect mom can only leave you with guilt and stress. Realize it is impossible to be perfect and enjoy the little things. Being a good mom comes not from perfection but from the heart.

I'm not a perfect mom because:

I let things slide.
I don't get it all done.
I don't clean the floors as often as I should.
I sometimes use the microwave to cook dinners.
I have been known to give him a snack before dinner time.
I've given him popsicles even if he didn't eat all his dinner.
I listen to the car radio instead of talking to my son.
The car is full of sand and milk stains.
I curse in front of my son.
I make mistakes.
I've accidentally banged my son's head against door frames.
I use the TV early in the morning to keep him entertained while I keep my eyes closed on the couch.
I leave the playground and parks early cause it's too hot for ME.
I look forward to Wednesday nights (when I don't have my son) to go out dancing with my girlfriend.
I agree to his demands at times.
I let him jump on my bed.
I know I'm not a perfect mom. And I'm proud of it! I join in on the bed jumping, I'm the one that pours out the sand from his shoes in my car, and I eat cookies before dinner with him. But not being a prefect mom makes me a mom that ROCKS!

I spend my days hugging, laughing, playing, jumping, singing, running, hopping, laughing, dancing, kissing, and being silly with my son instead of worrying about being a perfect mom. I'm perfectly happy not being perfect!

I love being a mom!

*Okay so this blog can be for dads too!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
By the end of this week, my car will hit 36,000 miles. I have 9 more months on my 3 year/36K lease. ARGH!!!!!

Been There, Done That, Next?

FLORIDA
Miami Beach (Hometown)
Fort Lauderdale (current locale)
Tampa
Sarasota
St. Augustine
Jupiter
Naples
Tallahassee
Fort Meyers
Sanibel
Captiva Island
Cape Coral
Marco Island
Orlando
Palm Coast
Daytona Beach
Jacksonville
Islamorada
Key Largo
Key West

GEORGIA
Atlanta
Buckhead
Savannah

SOUTH CAROLINA
Beaufort

MARYLAND
Baltimore
Washington D.C.

RHODE ISLAND
Newport (favorite U.S. city)

MASSACHUSETTS
Boston
Quincy
South Boston (Southie)
Bridgewater
Braintree
Kingston
Raynham
Cambridge
Peabody
Cape Cod
Nantucket

ILLINOIS
Chicago
Wheaton

TENNESSEE
ALABAMA
(for figure skating competition, when I was too young to remember)

NEW YORK
Glen Spey
New York
Long Island

HAWAII
Maui
Lahaina
Hana
Honolulu
Waikiki
Pearl Harbor

CANADA
Montreal (birthplace)
Laval
Cote St. Luc

MEXICO
Cozumel

JAMAICA
Ochos Rios

THE BAHAMAS

CAYMAN ISLANDS

MOROCCO
Tangier
Rabat
Casablanca

SPAIN (others to be added here soon)
Madrid
Costa del Sol
Puerta Banus
Malaga
Torremolino
Gibraltar

FRANCE
Paris

ENGLAND
London

ITALY
Rome
Venice
Murano
Burano
Milan
Florence
Greve in Chianti
Naples
Mount Vesuvius

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I love to travel…if you couldn't tell. This list, as long as it might seem, does not nearly cover a quarter of our globe. For me traveling is one of life's greatest adventures. To stay stationary in one place is to live plainly and dull.
I'm hoping my next trip will be to San Francisco, California with Mathew (some time next year).

"The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page."
- Saint Augstine

Delicious Lemonade

I decided to make delicious lemonade today.

My ex dropped Mathew off this morning along with the bomb that changed everything. Right before he was leaving he said he had some news to share. I thought for sure he was going to tell me he was engaged to his girlfriend. Instead, he said "Mathew is going to have a brother or sister."
Let that sink in.

Yes, my ex-husband's girlfriend is pregnant.

Seriously, I now believe my life belongs on a soap opera and I definitely think I can write that book now.

I don't think there is a word to describe the expression I had on my face, mostly because there was no expression. It was just blank. I was not upset, jealous, scared, shocked or even surprised. In fact, most of you will find this odd until after I explain further, but I felt relieved. For the first time since he left me, I saw my ex-husband standing in front of me being "real." In as little words as possible, he was humble, worried, sad, and scared. He was "real." What can I say? I didn't say much. My poor ex-husband left his wife and newborn son to live a life without the responsibilities of a full-time dad. And now here he is less than a year later with a pregnant girlfriend. Isn't life full of ironies? I truly feel sorry for the life and path he has chosen (even if they were mistakes). I don't think I've processed this news in its entirety and for sure it will present new and challenging circumstances in my life. None that I can't handle. But in the end, I feel relief. Why, you might ask?

I'm not sure anyone can understand what I mean, but let me try to explain, it goes something like this:

This new chapter in his life puts an end to the chapter of my life with him. While he's moving backwards, I am moving forwards. I'm at the perfect place in life. I would not ask for anything more. And in his rare moment of being a genuine soul, he revealed remorse and regret, all the while I was feeling relieved. The enormous waves in my life have evaporated to a mere droplet of water. All the unanswered questions and doubts, the not understanding why are forever vanished. The speculations of his departure are finally verified. My insecurities don't exist anymore. The "life is not fair" bit is not longer my bit. And the devil inside of me tastes the bitter sweet revenge. I witnessed life coming full circle, karma. I may have accepted the unresolved finality of my divorce, yet the questions, lack of understanding, and doubts were never far from my thoughts. And somehow with this piece of information, it gave me the liberation and closure I thought I would never find. All of this is why I feel relieved…among other unexplainable emotions.

Please don't mistake my feeling of relief for vengeance. I feel sorry for him. I never wished my ex-husband ill-well, but nor did I wish him greatness. And now that he is in this situation, it just gets me to thinking…about life, happiness, and destiny. I marvel in the creation of our own destiny. How our actions and decisions in life can dictate your destiny. More amazingly, how someone else's actions can impact your life in the most positive transforming way. Fate and happiness is in your own hands.

It is truly inspiring when you can actually witness life changes in action. It gives you validation for everything you might question in life. I look forward to seeing how life continues to transpire in front of my eyes and how I decide to manage it. I am glad that I do not take my life for granted and that I appreciate all that I have and don't have.

Today my world changed…someone else's actions impacted and will continue to cause ripples in my life tremendously. I choose to make it a positive transformation. I chose to make more delicious lemonade in my life!!!

I truly hope my ex-husband discovers how to find what he is looking for, to make better choices in his life for himself, and to allow happiness to enter his heart soon. I wish him all the best!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I implore you to ponder some of your life's decisions and how they impacted you (or even someone else's actions that affected you). Then reevaluate how the same decision could have influenced your life differently just by a different state of mind, a conscious decision, a choice. Command your own fate and make lemonade!

Dreams

Poem from 1992
written by yours truly,

Dreams

Don't let me find myself
in a maroon brown room
where everything is sticky, gooey
nylon, polyester
"Viva, Las Vegas"
I want to live purple, turquoise, onyx gray
black velvet and 100% cotton t's
on a mountain top under the bright stars at night
away from the world in tranquility and peace
Don't let me live alone
with my feet flat footed
or in high heel shoes
I want to giggle
jump
spin
like a bunny
Let me hop all around
in the sunflower meadows
Let me go flying in the sky
with the birds real high.

~sol

ER

Mathew had his first ER experience Wednesday night.

It started Wednesday morning, when my caller ID indicated that it was time for me to have the "uh-oh what's wrong" feeling. The teacher explained to me that Mathew threw up and is not feeling well. I figured it was something he ate and he should be fine by afternoon. We went home and the vomiting never stopped. It carried on through to the middle of the night. It was 10:30 when I decided to take him to the ER. He threw up his last 2 times on the way to the hospital. The wait was not too long considering it was busy. When we were finally given a bed, Mathew and I met the doctor and the nurses who were going to try to figure out what was wrong.

They gave him an IV to inject fluids, a drug to stop the vomiting, and a 24 hour antibiotic for the mysterious infection. How sad is the image of my boy's tiny hand wrapped in tape with a spider-like glove and a plastic tube running through to a machine as he sits in my arms on the hospital bed.

They ran all sorts of tests; blood work, urine sample (via catheter), ultrasound, and culture samples of his throat. The worst part of the experience was the catheter. My poor baby! I literally felt his pain and swelled up in tears. Through it all, he was such a good boy and handled it better than me. My rock! We slept together on a single cot, watched TV, hugged a lot, and stayed by each others side.

At one point, I had to ask a nurse to stay with Mathew just to use the restroom. I heard him crying the whole time. I never even got to get all the pee out of me. At another point, I cried while Mathew was sleeping in my arms. I cried for many more reasons than just the actual visit. Being there alone, reminded me of the life I have. The life of a single mom. The life I never dreamed of and never imagined I would be in. During this brief, yet very sad lapse of emotional wreckage, I told myself: "Get a grip, Nancy! This life, while you may have not asked for it, is yours and yours to take. My life is great and I could not ask for anything more! Stop feeling sorry for yourself!" I wiped the tears and remained strong and proud with my son by my side. It is experiences like this that although may bring back some hurtful and sad experiences, also strengthens my resolve and gives me more courage for the next. I'm moving forward better and stronger.

Six hours later, the end result: all tests were negative and it was undetermined what kind of infection Mathew had. It was most likely a 24-hour viral infection. We're glad that the experience is over and that he is healthy and happy again. This was our first trip to the ER and I am sure it won't be our last. But let's hope they all end happily like this one did.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I got my passport yesterday! Yes, that was FAST (and expensive). It is now official, I am 100% without a doubt going to Spain, of course God willing.

Landscapers

Why is it that on the weekdays I decide to stay home; whether it is to sleep off a cold, nurse a hangover, work on my tan, or just bum out on a personal day, the landscapers seem to be working that day? As my reward for staying home, I get to revel in the metal machinery chopping thousands of weeds at a time, the debris kicking up at my door, the blower howling, the clacking of the weed wacker, the smell of gas, the idling vibrating sounds of the machinery, the noise of chattering voices all round, oh and my favorite is my dog barking intensely and incessantly when they get too close to our property. Aren't I glad I stayed home?

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
My left hamstring is as tight as a pair of jeans 2 sizes too small on a woman bending down. Can you visualize the jeans ripping at the seams...lol? Gotta get back to my pilates!

Playing Hard to Get

The theory is that a man is in interested in women who show no interest in them. It must be the ego-challenge or the bet made by a friend or maybe the idea that you can change her. Either way, it seems that playing hard to get works.

My friends tell me that if I am interested in a guy, I should play hard to get. I never understood how or why this theory would work, I still don't. But whether I understand it or not, it does work. I've seen it first hand this past month.

See, a little over a month ago, I "unconsciously on purpose" (remember that word from my blog on 9/26/2006) decided to not have a man in my life (at least for now). It was unconscious because I truly just stopped being interested in dating and hooking up. It was on purpose because I also realized I just needed a break in my life from all the man-drama. Yes, men are just as drama-filled as women can be.

So in this past month, it seems that my new attitude has been attracting men from all around; old ones, new ones, and lingering ones. It's raining men in my life yet I don't want any of them. Ahhh…the irony! The worst part is that a couple of men that I had actual interest in before (who clearly expressed their lack of interest then) are now showing signs of their desires for me.

Amazing…playing hard to get really does work! Too bad I'm not playing hard to get, buddies. I have this I don't care, back off attitude that apparently are being misconstrued as playing hard to get. I've been, as some might say, a Bitch! Yet, that has not stopped the men from coming around. Why do men love bitches?

Now believe me, I am not bragging here…because in reality this is nothing more than a challenge for the men. It's just a game. I'm not stupid enough to think this has anything to do with real interest in me. And even when I come out of this vow of celibacy, it won't be for any of them. The good thing in all of this, I'm weeding out all the bullshit! So playing hard to get might actually be beneficial to my health after all. Hmmm?

So, in conclusion, why is it that a nice girl (let's say: like me) has to play hard to get to get any attention from men?

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I've just accepted an offer to teach a course for this fall. It's an undergraduate early childhood education course. It's been a couple of years since I've taught a class. But it feels so good to be regaining MY life back!

Top 10 Things I Said Today

10. "I could use a hug!"
9. "These pants are starting to feel tight around my waist."
8. "I'm going to Espana!"
7. "I just don't need relationships that require work and drama. I have enough of that in my own life."
6. "It's just me, myself, and Mathew. That's all it's ever got to be."
5. "A true friend stabs you in the front."
4. "I want a man with substance. Do they exist?"
3. "I've been practicing abstinence intentionally."
2. "I might smell, but I don't bite hard."

And the number 1 thing I said today:
"I think I am losing weight in my left foot."

Before I go, let me leave you with this factoid:
The average human has seven sex fantasies in a day. Are you an average human?