My Grief

It's been 44 days since you died, Robin. And tonight, my grief strikes hardest. Who would think a stupid TV show would instigate the endless supply of tears. Season Premiere of Grey's Anatomy, 2 hour episode. I don't remember if this is one of the shows you watched. I do remember you liked Private Practice, which was sort of a spin off from Grey's. So maybe you did like Grey's. Anyway, this episode was about grief.

Today, I spoke to our cousin Joe and he asked me a unique question that is sticking out now…he wondered if anyone was asking ‘me’ how I was doing. And truth be told, I don’t believe so or maybe I didn’t listen for it. I guess I didn’t feel like I needed to be asked. I’m focusing on all the lives around me who are grieving. I’m being strong. And I really take on to that role naturally, instinctively. And I know that a lot of my pain, tears, and sorrow have been for the empathy and sympathy of others’ grief. My sporadic moments have been just that, sporadic and fleeting. Where is my grief for ME? I wondered why I haven’t broken down and lost myself yet. I wondered if I was so heartless as to not have loved you enough to feel the pain and suffering a sister should feel from losing her older brother so suddenly and unexpectedly. Tonight I grieve and I ache and I can’t stop crying. I’m alone. I turned to writing to you, because I can't call you. And this is the only way I know that helps my process.

In hindsight (I do my best thinking in hindsight)…I realized that Robin, you would be the person. I would have called you tonight. You were the first person I called the night I made the decision to give Harley up for adoption. You were the only one that understood that kind of heartache. You comforted me more than you know. Seriously, who knows me better than you? With the least amount of words spoken, we understood each other. No one in the family listened to me better than you did. No one in the family can relate to some of the family drama I went through. No one in the family, opened up to me like you did. And here I am, grieving and you are the one person who could understand me, and I can't call you. You would be the one who would ask me “How’re you holdin’ up Nance?” I can hear your voice asking me this. I can’t pick up the phone to hear you tell me “everything will be fine.” “You know how mom and dad are, just give them time” These are your words. I didn’t appreciate you here in life, alive, next to me, a phone call away…I MISS YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS! Tonight, it hurts the most...!

I think of you every day. I can easily talk about you and reminisce about you. I love talking about you. I love talking about you with your friends Anthony and German. I have a picture of you in my office, car, wallet, fridge, and bedroom. I think of you when deciding on adventurous ideas. My tattoo is so inspirational to me. I try to take in and absorb a little of you in me. I have no idea why this is hitting me so hard tonight…but I’m kind of relieved that I am finally breaking down. I guess it was only a matter of time and I can only assume this won’t be the last time either.

Robin, you have always been there for me, even when I didn’t see it. And I see it now. You always were and still are here for me. Your 11:11 signs are still appearing frequently…I saw one yesterday after mom and I went to visit you at the cemetery. So thank you for giving me your signs to remind me that you are still here for me and with me. I love you bro! Help me get through the night…so I can smile again thinking of you!

Oh by the way, are you getting our balloons in heaven? Mathew sends messages with them and Mom seems to really treasure this new idea, this tradition for you. I love it too! I want you to know that you will always be here with me, remembered, honored, and cherished for as long as I shall live. I promise you! Rest peacefully my dear brother, till we meet again...

you're #1 sister,
nancy