Ms. Nancy Sol A.

I changed my mind (see I'm a girl I can do that and I seem to do that a lot lately).

I've been telling everyone that I was keeping my married name (Hughes) for the sake of Mathew and until he got older. Truthfully, I just didn't want to have a different last name from my son. I felt like I would lose my sense of maternity. Silly, I know! But, in the recent weeks, I've come to realize that I really don't want to keep my married name. I don't think I ever wanted to keep his last name and now I realize I really have no need to. My son will always be Mathew Hughes, but he will also always be MY SON. No matter what name I have. I'm not married anymore and so I don't want my married name anymore. Carrying his name has been an oppressive weight on my shoulders. I hate saying my name, typing my name, signing my name, logging in with my name, seeing my name...it's just a constant reminder of his betrayal. I don't need to carry his betrayal around with me. What he did to me has nothing to do with who I am. I need to move forward and not live with the past. I'm done with Mrs. Hughes, I'm taking back Ms. A. As soon I get the official divorce papers, I will start the painstaking process of changing my name on ALL my documents back to Ms. Nancy A.

And no, the divorce is not finalized yet! Trust me, you will all know as soon as I know. It should not be much longer.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
My name is Nancy, not Nance.
My son's name is Mathew with ONE "T." It's not Matt, Matty, or Hank.

Have you ever asked your friend Daniel if he prefers Daniel or Dan or Danny? Did you consider that Lawrence might prefer Lawrence despite everyone calling him Larry? Why is an extra syllable (or two) such a difficulty when calling people by their names? And why do parents add the sound "eeeee" to their child's name like Marky, Mikey, Danny, Matty, Lizzie, Sammy. YUK! Why do we feel the need to alter, abbreviate, or mutilate our original names?

I'm all about the original names. The originals are best: Jonathon, William, Daniel, Lawrence, Jacob, Michael, Joshua, Anthony, Christopher, Jessica, Jennifer, Angela, Emily, Isabella, Melissa, Samantha, Alicia...

And come to think of it the original everything is always better: the original movie, the original flavor, the original store, the original song, the original pancake house...LOL.

Top 10 Reasons Why I Feel Old

10. I have arthritis (in all my major joints).
9. I use coupons for grocery shopping.
8. I wake up at the crack of dawn even when I don't have my son.
7. I'm in bed by 10 p.m.
6. I wear bikini or boy short underwear (rarely thongs).
5. I called my neighbor at 3 a.m. to tell them their music was too loud on a Friday night.
4. I was the only sober & dry person at the slip 'n slide house party that lasted till 2 a.m.
3. I was hit on by a 23 year old boy and felt like his mother.
2. On Saturday night, I was hanging out at a bar with a 60 yr. old something couple & had a great time.

And the number one sign:
1. I found my first strand of gray hair.

Before I go, let me leave you with my current predicament:
Where does a divorced-single mom meet a real man?

And NO WAY!!! I'm not signing up on those online dating services. I'm not that desperate yet. (The operative word being yet! LOL)

To Risk

Here is a poem that I wanted to share. It's a good reminder for all of us. Okay it's really for me.

To Risk

To laugh is to risk appearing a fool,
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out to another is to risk involvement,
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To live is to risk dying,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow,
But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.
Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.

Before I go let me leave you with this:
Be free! Live life fully!

Only those who dare, truly live. ~ Ruth P. Freedman

To be alive at all involves some risk. ~Harold MacMillan

Again, reminders for all of us, but mostly ME!

Why do I even bother to ask?

I have memories that go as far back as 3rd grade where I just preferred to do it myself. I rarely ask for help. I don't like to rely on anyone. I don't like to wait. I don't "need" anyone. I'm not a team player. I chose tennis over softball for that exact reason. Because when I lose, I only have myself to blame. I don't have to count on anybody else to win. Tennis is an individual sport. That's why I consciously chose tennis. My life is the same. I rarely ask for help. I just do it on my own. Ten months have gone by as a single mom, and I can count on one hand the amount of times I've asked for help. And the thing is, I have done it all on my own, I'm making it in every way, and I believe I'm better for it. So why do I need to ask for help, if I truly don't need it. My friends and family tell me not to be afraid to ask, not to be too proud to ask. They say "you can't do it alone," or "you're not superwoman," or things like that. But I find that when I do ask, I either get disappointed or frustrated.

So seriously, why should I ask? If I know I can do it myself what is the point? As of late, I've put myself out on a limb intentionally knowing I could absolutely do it myself, but also knowing I'm not "superwoman," and maybe it is true - I do need help, I need to let people in, to allow being helped. And in doing so, I've only been left with feelings of loneliness, disappointment, and stronger affirmation of why I don't ask for help. It's just not worth it. I know I have great friends out there that care. I know I have family that loves me. But why do I really have to ask? And why when I do, no one seems to be around. And there is no worse time than to realize this than when you are sick. I do wonder if I fostered this behavior in others around me. Is my inability to ask for help, the reason I usually don't get it? The thing is...I know without a shadow of doubt that I am 100% guaranteed there for all my friends and family. I have driven to the other end of the next county in the middle of the night to help my brother. I have driven 4 hours upstate Florida to be with my girlfriend after a bad break up. I have take days off from work just to help my friends out. I have driven my friend's friend to the airport at 4 in the morning (to MIA not FLL). I have painted houses, helped friends move, thrown celebratory parties, traveled far for graduations and more, and will do it all again. I don't do it for any other reason than just that I want to. It's what I do, it's who I am. I am a giver. When I call you a friend, you are my friend. I don't take it lightly, and if I am needed, I am there the best way that I can be! I just don't expect others to be the same. 'Cause the truth is, the reality is, when I do bother to ask for help, I usually don't get it. It's just my reality.

So again, I ask:
Why do I even bother to ask?

Anyhoot, just another rambling blog.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I received my first mother's day card from a friend, albeit e-card, and of course it made me cry. I hope all mothers out there feel as special as I do, not just by your children, but by the people around you that notice what a great mother you are!
Happy Mother's Day!

L♥ VE

Love is amazing and wonderful.
Love is magical and mesmerizing.
Love is the best feeling in the world. But it's not just a feeling it's a way of being.
I love love. I am in love with love.

Love is unconditional, selfless, and giving.
Love is gentle, patient, and kind.
Love is passion, intimacy, commitment.
Love is hope, trust, and understanding.
Love is friendship set on fire.
Love is support, respect, and serenity.

Love is growing old together.
Love is the slightest touch, soft embrace, and passionate kiss.
Love is silence and constant chatter.
Love is the little moments.
Love is lifelong companionship.

Love completes you, makes you whole.
Love is uplifting and elevating.
Love perseveres and never fails.

Yet, love is also painful, torturous, blinding, and deeply hurts.
So why do we love? Why do we search for love?
Because it's love! It's just love!

What is love to you?

Here are some amazing love quotes:

Love is like oxygen, love is a many splendor thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!
~Moulin Rouge

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.
~Moulin Rouge

Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
~Franklin P. Jones

If you have love, you don't need to have anything else, and if you don't have love, it doesn't matter much what else you have.
~Sir James M. Barrie

You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.
~Barbara De Angelis

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
Every night before I go to bed, I sneak into Mathew's room to check up on him, watch him sleep, to love him a little more. And every night he is in a different position; on his stomach, back or side...in the corner, middle, or sprawled out. Oh how I love to watch him sleep! It's all in the little moments! I live for the little moments like that.