My New Life

In a matter of one week (about 3 weeks ago), I lost 10 pounds. I am down to less than my pre-pregnancy weight. My size 2 pants are baggy. The thing is, I don't mind. I feel good about all the weight loss. The other thing is I haven't been starving myself or dieting - just stressing and crying. Maybe someone should do a study on the effects of crying to your physical body. Maybe crying burns a lot of calories. Maybe I should write a book on the sure way to lose weight: STRESS OUT. I can make videos and infomercials and become rich. LOL. Anyway, I'm taking this weight change as a sign. It's time to buy new clothes and start new. I will move forward in a positive way. I will firm up my body. I will go shopping for a sexy new wardrobe, sexy new shoes (my shoe size is the same, but I gotta buy new shoes with the new wardrobe). I will decorate my new house in my own style. I will paint the walls with my color of choice. I will replace the pictures in all the old frames with new pictures of just Mathew and me (Harley too). I will keep smiling (and probably cry a little too). But most of all I will be moving forward.

Thanks for everyone's support and thoughts. I have my bad days, but overall I am looking forward to my new life with my beautiful son.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
I love chocolate. I've noticed that my body has been craving it a lot lately. Is chocolate addictive? Possibly, it does have caffeine. It also triggers dopamine in the brain, which is the same as what heroin does - addictive? I'd say so! Am I addicted? Maybe!? It's obvious that during stressful times in my life I turn to chocolate.

Chocolate simply satisfies!

Music

Mathew - I sing this song to you.
I Love You!

Artist: Reba McEntire
Song: You're Gonna Be

6lbs and 9oz. lookin' up at me (well Mathew was 9 lbs...)
Like I have all the answers
I hope I have the ones you need
I've never really done this, now I know what scared is

Sometimes I'll protect you from everything that's wrong
Other times I'll let you just find out on your own
But that's when you'll be growin',
And the whole time I'll be knowin

CHORUS:
You're gonna fly with every dream you chase
You're gonna cry, but know that that's okay
Sometimes life's not fair, but if you hang in there
You're gonna see that sometimes bad is good
We just have to believe things work out like they should
Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me
You're gonna be

I'm afraid you'll have to suffer through
some of my mistakes
Lord knows I'll be trying to give you what it takes
What it takes to know the difference
Between getting by and livin'

'Cause anything worth doing is worth doing all the way
Just know you'll have to live with all
the choices that you make
So make sure you're always givin' way
more than you're takin'

You're gonna fly with every dream you chase
You're gonna cry, but know that that's okay
Sometimes life's not fair, but if you hang in there
You're gonna see that sometimes bad is good
We just have to believe things work out like they should
Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me
You're gonna be

Someone's everything
You're gonna see
Just what you are to me

You're gonna fly with every dream you chase
We just have to believe things work out like they should
Life has no guarantees, but always loved by me
You're gonna be
Always loved by me


Before I go, let me say:
I love music! It's amazing how lyrics can apply so perfectly to your situation, like the song was written for you. And then how it can also fit so appropriately for someone else's unique situation. I love the lyrics and words, and the feelings and emotions it evokes, the sounds, rhythms, and beats that make you dance, the goosebumps, the screaming, the crying, the head bobbing, all of it....Music just gets me...music is in my soul!

"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul."

Thank you!

Thank you friends for listening to me and helping me go through this process. It's still a long road ahead for me and it will be hard, but I know I can make it, especially with you all by my side.

Putting the stuff in my head on paper is my release. So now it's just in a blog format. Of course, in my blogs I use a little discretion and refrain A LOT.

Anyway, thanks for reading my blogs! And stay tuned, I am on my way.

Before I go again for the second time today, let me just say:
I love you, man!

New Attitude

I've come to the point where I don't think I want him back. How can I take him back? Why am I fighting for him still? He's not the man I love anymore. Just let him go. Let him be happy. Give him what he wants a divorce.

"I want a man by my side not a boy who runs and hides." - Kelly Clarkson, Walk Away

Before I go to visit my baby at daycare, let me leave you with this:
Fear is only temporary, but regret is forever.
He will learn this the hard way.

Gray

How do I love someone that doesn't love me back, that doesn't want to be with me? How do I accept that? How do I learn to stop loving him? I keep asking myself: How did I get here? Why? How can someone just cut you out of your life? After all the years and love we've shared, is it that easy to forget? I don't understand. It hurts! It hurts to think of what I had and what it should be. I used to feel like the luckiest person on this earth to have found a love so deep and so true. I hoped others could find a love like mine. How did it all get screwed up? I gave my husband, this marriage, everything I had to give. And here I am now standing with my son, wondering how and why? It doesn't make sense. How am I supposed to stop loving him, give up, and move on? The memories aren't even old, they are still alive. The dreams we shared are still so fresh.

I just needed to let this out.

Before I go, let me leave you with the color of my day:
Outside my window, all I see is the color gray. How fitting?

It's not fair!

Its not fair...
...that I have no choice.
...that I have no control over the situation.
...that he didn't even try.
...that I don't know why.
...that I cry everyday.
...that this is happening to me.
...that I don't have many good days.
...that my road ahead will be so hard.

This is just not fair! It's not even a little fair!

Before I go and dry my tears, let me leave you with another song:
Life Ain't Always Beautiful by Gary Allan

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin' it's sweet time

CHOURS
No, life ain't always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life ain't always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way

But the struggles make me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has its own way of takin' it's sweet time

No, life ain't always beautiful
But i know i'll be fine
Hey, life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

What Hurts The Most

Artist/Band: Rascal Flatts
Lyrics for Song: What Hurts The Most

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That dont bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
Im not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend Im ok
But thats not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin to do

Its hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But Im doin It
Its hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and Im alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
Thats what I was trying to do

Here we go again...

1 therapy session and 2 weeks later, he leaves us again.

What hurts the most is that it doesn't matter what I want, or how I feel or think. My dreams and plans of a family are shattering and I can't do anything about it. I have to deal with his decision to leave - without trying, without explanation. I have to live with that, Mathew has to live with that. I have to start over and be strong (for at least Mathew's sake). I don't understand what he is going through and I probably never will. Why is he giving up? Why is he just throwing everything away? So many questions and no answers...

I need to let go of hope and look forward to a new future. Build new dreams. I will come out of this stronger and happier. That which doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. I just need time...

Before I go, let me say:
Wherever the road leads Mathew and me, at least we have each other. My sunshine!