my awful, beautiful life!

I realized tonight that it's time to stop blaming my ex for the current housing crisis, financial loss, and credit woes I've been struggling with. I must take ownership of my life, even the parts that seem to have been leftover from my marriage. I thought to myself "ugh, stop feeling so scorned, it's so pathetic! Even the fact it took me this long to come to this thought is pathetic. wake up!"

And I did just that, I woke up to write it all down. That's how I do. So I bolted out of my bed, ran downstairs and pulled out my macbook. Here I am, all revved up, writing at midnight when I'm usually lolly gagging in dream land. I've barely even started and I feel better already. (See Kelly, this is what I do.)

So the back story goes something like this: My ex and I purchased a pre-construction home at the peak of the housing market (as an investment). On moving day, my ex decides that our marriage is over. I struggled the first couple of years to keep and make that single family house a home for my son and I. Years later, I finally made it to that status of "financially comfortable." Mind you, that just means a lot less paycheck to paycheck. Then last year, after careful and long deliberations, I decided to sell my house. But you see, my house lost it's value. I lost the cash equity in my home, which was part of our divorce settlement. Then my equity line account was frozen due to the value of my home depreciating. And now I owe more than double the value of my home, not including the cash equity that is gone. So yeah, I blamed the ex for the shit storm I'm in. And yes, I resented him for now owning a 5-bedroom house at the now low market value. It was easy to blame him for the year's worth of drama I've been in over this house.

So here goes the long over due, don't know why I didn't think of this sooner epiphany: I made the choices that led me to where I am today. I chose to be with him, to marry him, buy that house with him. I chose to not sell it when we divorced. I chose to sell it now and suffer the consequences on my own. And just like I felt empowered to be a single mom owning a home and making it on her own, I should feel empowered too for making difficult decisions knowing the hardships we would go through, for the sake of my 2-person family's happiness. Now that's something to be proud of.

I don't know what I was thinking carrying all this divorced women's scorn around on the inside. Not good Nancy, not good at all. So even with the debt owed, bad credit, the way too high car lease payment, the downsizing and renting, and all the other non-ending negative factors that have come into my life, it is not longer due to my past marriage, but due to the choices I've made. I made it so and for good reasons. And if for nothing else, to build more character!

I love my life! and loving my life means taking the amazing with the awful, the awesome with the suck. and I choose to take it all. I and only I, made the choices that led me here today. and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I am so so thankful for this life, my life.

life is good

la vie est belle

May I be forever blessed with the awesome, sucky, amazing and awful things in my life.

I love this crazy, tragic,
Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautiful life!