Fragile

My forward healing progression seems to have come at a halt this week, maybe I can even say I've taken steps back. It's hard to describe in words, but my emotional state is fragile and uncertain. Yes, I've definitely fallen back a few steps. Time! I need more time.

I look forward to a new year. May it bring ME the inner peace and happiness I so long for. Hey, is it okay to pray for yourself?

Before I go to the hockey game tonight, let me leave you by saying:

Go HABS Go!

Stepmom

While I was home alone for the holidays this weekend, my son was with his father and "new" girlfriend. I don't know how "new" she is, but apparently she is in Mathew's life more than I would like any other woman to be. I didn't get to spend Christmas with Mathew. Yet, some other woman did! I'm not handling this very well. The thought of Mathew and this other woman spending quality time is too much to bare. I don't know if I ever will be able to come to grips with this idea of Mathew eventually having another "mom" in his life. It's not fair that the man who walked out on his family, can start a new one and impose possibly a second mom into Mathew's life. That is not fair! He is MY son. On the other hand, why do I find it reasonably okay with Mathew spending time with men in my life (which by the way has not happened yet)? I didn't choose this life. And now I have to deal with these new ideas of family; step-moms, step-children, ex-husbands, and ex-in-laws. I just can't handle it. I can't accept it. I can't look at my son and think there will possibly be another mother figure in his life. And the worst part is that I have no control over it. It will happen and I will hate it. And it will be the worst feeling in the world. He doesn't need another mom. He doesn't need anyone but ME. It is one thing to deal with a divorce, but to deal with this...no way! It hurts too much.

How can a mom sit idly by and watch her son develop a relationship with a woman who is not needed in his life and is only brought into his life because of some selfish decision his father made?

I know I am not the first to go through this and definitely won't be the last, but does that make it okay? Am I ever going to accept a second mom in Mathew's life? How do I deal with this?

Before I go to play with my son, let me leave you with this:
Mathew is...
My joy.
My life.
My world.
My everything.
I can't imagine life, my life without him in it.

Forgetful

Generally, I have a bad memory. Most of my high school years were a blur. And lots of my relationships were too. But when it comes to MY life, I am organized and efficient. I don't forget things. I know where everything is. I am on top of everything in my life. I am not one to be called "spacey" or "scatterbrain," but if the shoe fits...

I remember reading somewhere that when you are pregnant you may experience absentmindedness and forgetfulness. During my pregnancy, I noticed my brain begin to develop a haze. This foggy brain has not cleared up. I forget things, lots of things! And last night, was my worst incident yet. I hope it doesn't get any worse than this.

At 8:30pm, I let Harley out back on his leash. I was picking up things around the house, cleaning, and doing laundry. Around 9:30 I decided to go to sleep. I read a new book for a little bit and dozed off. At 11pm, my doorbell rings. Who could that be? I thought I was dreaming or something. It was my neighbor letting me know that Harley is crying and his leash is stuck in the bushes. OMG!!!! I forgot all about Harley. I was wondering where he was when he didn't follow me upstairs. How horrible! I forgot my 4-legged son. I am such a bad mother! Just please don't let it get any worse than this.

Other forgetful moments:

Just last Thursday night, I got locked out of my own house. I took Harley and Mathew for a walk. I use the garage door and bring the clicker with me. However, I forgot to unlock the electrical locking system from the inside. So when we got back, the clicker didn't work. Luckily, my friend Bridget who has a spare key was home (and lives close by). This has happened to me at least 3-4 times. Thank you, Bridget!

I have forgotten to tighten Mathew's car seat straps. Scary! I have left my drink on top of my car. I have misplaced items, such as keys, phone and apparently most of my brain cells. I have forgotten lunch dates, doctor appointments, Mortgage payments, and more things of this nature. I started to carry around my work calendar (paper) and a separate notebook (which is filled with notes, reminders, and things to do), and obviously this is not helping. I hate this feeling of overload, where I can't function at my optimal level. I just truly hate being this forgetful. It's not me! SO

My gift to myself this year is a Palm Pilot. I should be getting it in the mail this week. Once I do, my calendar and to-do lists will be a click away. I will set the alarm to remind me of things. I will use color coding. It will be heavenly! I will carry it with me everywhere I go. It will take over part of my brain (at least 128 MB of it). So now I will have more memory space so that maybe I won't forget about Harley anymore.

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
This weekend I reunited with an old high school friend (thanks to myspace)! Cheers to a new/old friendship!

At this time in my life, this is what I need most, friends! I am so grateful for my friends. They have given me strength, courage, and power during these unbearable times.

Here is one of my favorite friend quotes:
"Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families."

You have no idea how suiting this is.
Thank you, friends!

Karma

Just because I am happy, doesn't make your decision right

Just because I am moving on, doesn't excuse what you did

Just because my life will turn out better, doesn't make you a better man

Don't mistake me for someone who is bitter and resentful

I'm just reminding you that what goes around comes around

You'll get what you deserve


Before I go, I read a quote today that made me realize I should not strive for perfection (being the perfectionist that I am), but instead for excellence:
I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God's business.
–Michael J. Fox