Wednesday, March 31, 2010

i wish

i miss you robin!
i wish...i wish, oh how i wish so many things like

i wish you were here, i wish i could hug you, i wish i can talk to you, i wish we could wrestle, i wish i could punch you, i wish i could hear you laugh, i wish i could hang out with you, i wish i could see you play with mathew, i wish i could take more pictures of you, i wish i could see you smile, i wish i could just call you, i wish i can just see you again, i wish we can just be together, i wish you were here right now to calm me down, i wish you were here, i wish you were here, i wish you were here....i miss you so much robin!

the breakdowns never end, they come out of nowhere, from everywhere, or from something or someone. they sneak up on me and when they do, i find it hard to believe you are not here. cause i still naturally think, i'll just call you or i'll see you later. and then reality hits and it's unbearable to live with and accept and i breakdown.

Tonight, your ex-girlfriend found me on facebook and reached out to me. She sent me a nice message and posted a great picture of the two of you. Having to tell someone what happened is the easy part, it's hearing their grief, their sympathy, and their beautiful remarks about you that just take me down this broken road. my life will never be the same again. i will forever miss you till the day we meet again. and until that day, i will think of you every single's really not hard to do! I love you robin! i wish..............

Thursday, March 25, 2010

I will be me

This stems from my reminders to myself lately during this awkward, (mostly) inexplicable (hopefully) brief time in my life:

I will not carry the burden of your happiness.
I am not responsible.
I will not be able to please everyone.
I will not stop trying though.
I will not be liked by all those I meet.
I will still smile and not let it bring me down.
I will make mistakes and that's okay.
I'm a learning sponge.
I will not assume how you are feeling or what you are thinking.
I will ask more questions.
I will believe in myself and in my decisions.
I will not be driven by guilt or doubt.

I will stay positive.
I will look up.
I will be free.
I will be me.


I am reminded of a quote from over a decade ago... "no can ruin my day, but me!"

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

swimming in a fish bowl

just keep swimming
just keep swimming

round round
right round like a record baby

hello, is there anybody in there?
i have become comfortably numb.

caught in the in-between,
a beautiful disaster

but i'm not crazy, just a little unwell
i'm falling apart, i'm barely breathing

check my vital signs to know i'm still alive
and i walk alone

i'll send an s.o.s to the world
i hope that someone gets my message

but in the end, it doesn't even matter

~sol know my mind is fluttering in despair when I can't even pick the music mood I'm in.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

O' Canada, I love you so, but here are...

Top 10 Reasons why I would not, could not live in Canada

10. The money. Yes, the money is colorful like monopoly money. But the bills are in different size widths, annoying for an OCD person like me. There are no single dollar bills (only coins), making the change a heavy burden. They have loonies and toonies. Those are dollar and two dollar coins. As if I don't have enough to carry, now I need a pocket full of change. And you'll need all the change you can get, since they charge you two taxes.

9. The language. I speak French and still don't understand half of them. seriously, ehy?

8. The layers. Wearing multiple articles of clothing and accessories is such a pain for so many reasons. When you walk into a store, restaurant, or pub, most of the time, you are stuck carrying the outer layers and accessories (hats, scarfs, gloves) across your arms.. I would lose the hands-free or minimalist concept I love so much and probably lose/forget an article of clothing behind at least once a week. Some places, if you're lucky, will have a coat check. Make sure you don't lose your coat check tag and don't forget the lines, waiting, oh and the tip. Also, the layers may hide the muffin top, but instead creates an added layer of what makes you just look fat. It's hard to look good with so many freaking layers on. Not to mention, I would rarely get to show off my back tattoo or even my inside wrist tattoo for that matter...sadness!

7. The kids. The kids in winter clothes are oh so cute and adorable, unless you're the one putting them on, keeping track of them, taking them off, and then cleaning them. Then doing it over and over and over again. Ugh! Oh and wait...what about when the kids have to use the potty. Just think about that one for a second!

6. The cleaning. Muddy boots get jeans dirty. Muddy boots get floors dirty. Lots of layers, means lots more laundry. Lots and lots of cleaning. As if, I don't have enough cleaning to do already.

5. The early birds. The 24 hour 7/11-type store, called "couche tarde" which means sleeps late, closes at 11pm. And worst...the bars close by 2am. Need I say more? Although, I have to add that the drinking age in Canada is 19...but I'm not sure that stops anyone in the states.

4. The wet hair. It's impossible to go outside with your hair wet without freezing or catching a cold (or both). I love my morning showers and would either have to give them up or spend an hour every morning blow drying my hair. Um, how about neither.

3. The showers. Speaking of morning showers, getting out of the shower is not a warm and fuzzy feeling. The brisk air that hits your wet body makes you not want to take showers, which would leave you stinky. So there's no winning there! Also, you would sometimes get that uncomfortable tingling feeling on your hands and feet from the hot water cause your body is so cold. you know what I'm talking about!? Oh, and let me just add, sitting on the cold toilet seats also not so warm and fuzzy!

2. The weather. Did I mention, it's COLD nine months out of the year!!! Burrrrr. The weather alone is reason enough for me! I'd rather shed layers off than add bundles of annoying layers, that still leave you sweating anyway.

And the #1 Reason why I would not, could not live in Canada:

1. My flip-flops. I would have to replace the staple item in my car from my flip-flops to hockey skates and sticks. I would say 90% of cars in Canada have hockey sticks in their car, probably like the 90% of cars in South Florida have flip-flops, bikinis, and/or beach blankets. I'd rather wear flip flops 11 months out of the year than only one or two months.

Now I'm not saying there weren't great, amazing, beautiful things and people in Canada! I'm just saying this trip re-confirmed, solidified, and set in stone, that I would not, could not live in Canada or any other place that has winter more than half of the year. Maui, Hawaii here I come baby! :)

here are two of my favorite pics! check out those rosy cheeks :)

Monday, March 1, 2010

the snowball effect

It started with two.

Mathew was learning about snow in school several months back and had an itch to see snow. So I started thinking we could do our annual vacation as a ski trip to Utah or Colorado in December. After crunching the numbers, I settled on Montreal, my birth city. We will get the snow itch relieved AND enjoy the company of family too (with the added bonus of saving us money). My little brother, Philippe got wind of this trip and wanted to join us. Due to work constraints, he couldn't go in December. So we started looking into February, which we learned was the worst month of the year to visit Montreal. So here we are going in March. We booked our flights in the beginning of November.

Now we are three.

Making plans with the cousins, we decided to take a road trip to St. Sauvers for the weekend. Cousin Joey and Anne started looking for cottages. In making these plans, all our other cousins started jumping on board and taking days off from work. We even have more Floridian travelers joining us too; my brothers wife, Doralyn, our cousin, Muriel, our brothers from another mother, Randy and Ronny. So what started as my annual trip with Mathew, snowballed into a "little" one week trip with my brother, that snowballed some more into a huge family weekend reunion in honor of my brother Robin. It will be a momentous event that will be remembered and talked about in the Azoulay family forever! All thanks to my brother Robin who had everything to do with bringing us all together!

We are now 28!

Talk about a huge snowball!

one problem: A cottage that holds a maximum 25 people with only TWO bathrooms. Boys, you pee outside!

Since November, Mathew and I have talked about all the snow activities we want to experience while we are there: making snowballs, having snowball fights, get buried in snow, snow angels, snowmen, sledding, tubing, skiing, ice skating, making yellow snow cones, catch snowflakes on our tongues, eat icicles, attempt to make an igloo of some sort, and I might be forgetting some others. but you get the gist. the idea is that we do it all now, cause it will be a very long time before I use up my vacations for winter weather. Brrrrrr! I'd rather be in Maui!


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