The man I want to share the rest of my life with responded to one of my poems posted on this blog. It was from January 29, 2009, Will you still love me?
I will share his response (permission granted), but first here is mine again:
Will you still love me
if I fail to say the words you want to hear
Will you still love me
if I don't meet up to your fantasies
Will you still love me
if things don't turn out the way you wanted
Will you still find a way to love me
when you find yourself falling out of love with me
When you say you love me, will you still love me for the rest of your life?
~sol
And now here is my beloved's response:
I will still love you
if you fail to say the words I want to hear
for your truth pierces me and your honesty speaks to my heart
I will still love you
if you don't meet up to 'my' fantasies
for a dream that is shared is worth twice one imagined alone
I will still love you
if things don't turn out the way I wanted
for I know I am but a fallible man
I'd rather navigate this life together to get to where we've planned
I will still find a way to love you
if I find myself falling out of love with you
for what we've got has got good bones. a love planted so firmly in the heart is not so easily uprooted.
When I say I love you, I will still love you for the rest of my life.
Which I hope will end one day before you
so I know not what it's like to live without your love.
~ Uriel
Lucky are we that our souls united! I love this man, Mr. Uriel Gonzalez!
"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same"
"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies"
Monday, February 20, 2012
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Grief Envy
"the deeper the grief, the more radiant the love"
this sentence was like swallowing a ball of razors. these nine words throwing a wrench in my head. i've already been battling with ideas of not grieving enough. do i mourn deeply enough? do i cry enough? do i miss him enough? do i think about him enough? do i feel sorrow enough? do i hurt enough? 9 freaking words amounting to just 2 words for me: grief envy
yes! hi, my name is nancy and i have grief envy!
what is grief envy you might ask?
in short, being envious of one's grief.
am i the first to have this envy?
probably not. and i probably won't be the last.
now that i have put a "definition" to what i've been feeling
maybe i can deal with it better
now that i've defined it,
maybe i can even just admit to it out loud
so here i go:
i know, i know, we all grieve in our own way. no one way is right or wrong. i'd be the first person to say this. at first, i thought my reasons for my easy grief, was that maybe i was emotionally healthy. but as i grieve, two years later, i still wonder about the depths of my relationship with my brother. i wish i had deeper grief. i wish i had more. my grief doesn't seem enough. i want to hurt more. i want to feel the sorrow deeper. when i think of robin, i grasp at flimsy memories i can barely recall. i'm losing him, his memories. then i see my little brother and i envy his grief (even though he masks it deep on the inside, i see it). i envy the relationship they had together, the countless memories he can recall. i envy the closeness they once had. again, i know, i know, i shouldn't compare relationships, yada yada yada. but still…i know i don't feel the same pain, the same hole, the same loss. i see his and i envy it. i can't help but feel like i missed out, i feel like i should have done more. something is missing and i can't get it back. it's too late. then i also see my boyfriend and i envy his grief over the loss of his brother. i'm so stupid. i know. how crazy to envy someone else's grief. seriously, someone check my head please. seeing those around me grieve the way i want to grieve over my brother, makes me question what kind of connection i had with my brother. i think to myself, if i don't cry and miss him all the time, i must not have had a deep love with him. maybe our relationship wasn't strong enough to affect my life without him. crazy, i know. ridiculous, i know. but still thoughts that run through my head.
i wish i had more, more time, more opportunity. and i can't. so i live with this guilt, this regret.
nine freaking words
"the deeper the grief, the more radiant the love"
how will i ever get over these words?
i can't change what it was, i have to live with what it is.
I can't make it what I want, I have to live with what I've got.
will it ever be enough to comfort me?
will i ever get over the envy?
this sentence was like swallowing a ball of razors. these nine words throwing a wrench in my head. i've already been battling with ideas of not grieving enough. do i mourn deeply enough? do i cry enough? do i miss him enough? do i think about him enough? do i feel sorrow enough? do i hurt enough? 9 freaking words amounting to just 2 words for me: grief envy
yes! hi, my name is nancy and i have grief envy!
what is grief envy you might ask?
in short, being envious of one's grief.
am i the first to have this envy?
probably not. and i probably won't be the last.
now that i have put a "definition" to what i've been feeling
maybe i can deal with it better
now that i've defined it,
maybe i can even just admit to it out loud
so here i go:
i know, i know, we all grieve in our own way. no one way is right or wrong. i'd be the first person to say this. at first, i thought my reasons for my easy grief, was that maybe i was emotionally healthy. but as i grieve, two years later, i still wonder about the depths of my relationship with my brother. i wish i had deeper grief. i wish i had more. my grief doesn't seem enough. i want to hurt more. i want to feel the sorrow deeper. when i think of robin, i grasp at flimsy memories i can barely recall. i'm losing him, his memories. then i see my little brother and i envy his grief (even though he masks it deep on the inside, i see it). i envy the relationship they had together, the countless memories he can recall. i envy the closeness they once had. again, i know, i know, i shouldn't compare relationships, yada yada yada. but still…i know i don't feel the same pain, the same hole, the same loss. i see his and i envy it. i can't help but feel like i missed out, i feel like i should have done more. something is missing and i can't get it back. it's too late. then i also see my boyfriend and i envy his grief over the loss of his brother. i'm so stupid. i know. how crazy to envy someone else's grief. seriously, someone check my head please. seeing those around me grieve the way i want to grieve over my brother, makes me question what kind of connection i had with my brother. i think to myself, if i don't cry and miss him all the time, i must not have had a deep love with him. maybe our relationship wasn't strong enough to affect my life without him. crazy, i know. ridiculous, i know. but still thoughts that run through my head.
i wish i had more, more time, more opportunity. and i can't. so i live with this guilt, this regret.
nine freaking words
"the deeper the grief, the more radiant the love"
how will i ever get over these words?
i can't change what it was, i have to live with what it is.
I can't make it what I want, I have to live with what I've got.
will it ever be enough to comfort me?
will i ever get over the envy?
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Mathew is Six
Mathew,
Today you are You,
that is truer than true.
There is no one alive
who is Youer than You.
Happy Birthday To You!
You're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting,
So... get on your way!
Today you are You,
that is truer than true.
There is no one alive
who is Youer than You.
Happy Birthday To You!
You're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting,
So... get on your way!
Have I ever told you how lucky I am?
I am so proud of the little man you are and the big man you are becoming!
I love you more than words can describe!
It's your day of all days
It's the best of the best
make it awesome
Love your mama-sweeta!
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