Grief Envy

‎"the deeper the grief, the more radiant the love"

this sentence was like swallowing a ball of razors. these nine words throwing a wrench in my head. i've already been battling with ideas of not grieving enough. do i mourn deeply enough? do i cry enough? do i miss him enough? do i think about him enough? do i feel sorrow enough? do i hurt enough? 9 freaking words amounting to just 2 words for me: grief envy

yes! hi, my name is nancy and i have grief envy!

what is grief envy you might ask? 
in short, being envious of one's grief.
am i the first to have this envy?
probably not. and i probably won't be the last.
now that i have put a "definition" to what i've been feeling
maybe i can deal with it better
now that i've defined it,
maybe i can even just admit to it out loud

so here i go:
i know, i know, we all grieve in our own way. no one way is right or wrong. i'd be the first person to say this. at first, i thought my reasons for my easy grief, was that maybe i was emotionally healthy. but as i grieve, two years later, i still wonder about the depths of my relationship with my brother. i wish i had deeper grief. i wish i had more. my grief doesn't seem enough. i want to hurt more. i want to feel the sorrow deeper. when i think of robin, i grasp at flimsy memories i can barely recall. i'm losing him, his memories. then i see my little brother and i envy his grief (even though he masks it deep on the inside, i see it). i envy the relationship they had together, the countless memories he can recall. i envy the closeness they once had. again, i know, i know, i shouldn't compare relationships, yada yada yada. but still…i know i don't feel the same pain, the same hole, the same loss. i see his and i envy it. i can't help but feel like i missed out, i feel like i should have done more. something is missing and i can't get it back. it's too late. then i also see my boyfriend and i envy his grief over the loss of his brother. i'm so stupid. i know. how crazy to envy someone else's grief. seriously, someone check my head please. seeing those around me grieve the way i want to grieve over my brother, makes me question what kind of connection i had with my brother. i think to myself, if i don't cry and miss him all the time, i must not have had a deep love with him. maybe our relationship wasn't strong enough to affect my life without him. crazy, i know. ridiculous, i know. but still thoughts that run through my head.

i wish i had more, more time, more opportunity. and i can't. so i live with this guilt, this regret.

nine freaking words

"the deeper the grief, the more radiant the love"

how will i ever get over these words?
i can't change what it was, i have to live with what it is.
I can't make it what I want, I have to live with what I've got.
will it ever be enough to comfort me?
will i ever get over the envy?

Mathew is Six

Mathew,

Today you are You,
that is truer than true.
There is no one alive
who is Youer than You.

Happy Birthday To You!

You're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting,
So... get on your way!

Have I ever told you how lucky I am?

I am so proud of the little man you are and the big man you are becoming!

I love you more than words can describe!

It's your day of all days

It's the best of the best

make it awesome

Love your mama-sweeta!

two years

two years

"they" say:

time heals all wounds

it'll get better or easier with time

i disagree.

time only makes it easier to suppress the pain

time gives you a false sense of reality without the guilt

time only helps you forget

i dont want to forget

even if it means pain

i want to feel the hurt

not repress it

i want to cry when the pain strikes me

even if i'm on the sidewalk or in a store

i don't want to hide from the memories

i don't want to ignore the hurt

it's the pain that reminds me how much i miss you

without the pain, i'd be afraid to forget you

i'm afraid to lose this pain i feel

in fear of losing you

It is true that I have less days of sorrow

and more days of delightful memories

but my loss is still permanent

my hole in my heart is still empty

how can my life ever be the same again?

it won't, it just won't

it can't be without you in it

i've been missing you for 730 days now

and i will continue to miss you all the days of my life

till we meet again big brother

with all the love in my heart

i fucking miss you!

~sol