a day like no other

will it or not
it is here
here i am
on august 11th

thought it would pass me by
a day like any other
who am i fooling
it's impossible to escape

the mindfulness is too strong
subconscious thoughts creep in
fleeting memories fly by
and here we go again
burdened with my grief

i miss you today
like i missed you yesterday
i need you today
like i needed you all this time
i want you hear with me
like you never left

death changes nothing
yet everything at once
and time stands still
while it passes you by

it's supposed to get easier
or so they say
but on days like this
it never really is

i will face the day in such a way
not like any other
but like the day it is
the day i lost my brother
five years ago today

never will you be forgotten
on this day or ever
until the day i see you again

Robin, in case you ever foolishly forget; i am never not thinking of you.
from my heart to your soul...



"death leaves a heartache no one can heal; love leaves a memory no one can steal"  - unknown

"sorrow comes in great waves...but it rolls over us, and though it may almost smother us it leaves us on the spot and we know that if it is strong, we are stronger, inasmuch as it passes and we remain" - henry james

i live

for you, i live
i dare
i seek
i thrill
i love
i live

this year's birthday adventure in celebration of your life and the way you lived it...is to fly again, using a water jetpack (james bond style). unfortunately, the company canceled last minute today and our experience will be postponed for another day (soon).

these new adventures every year make me feel alive. without adventures, risks and experiencing new things in life...you're not living at all. you're just not dying.

"to live is the rarest thing in the world. most people exist, that is all" - oscar wilde
in your short life, you lived life more than most in a full lifetime. something i am always so proud to say. i hope i am making you proud with the life i am living, not just existing...because it's for both you and me.

happy birthday robin!
i love you and miss you everyday!!!

xoxo, from my heart to your soul

Well, hello there...

so, yeah i've been a stranger in the blogosphere for almost two years. i suck. and i hope my two blog fans don't hate me. are you both still there? i'm not proud of my disappearance. all i have are lame excuses, like no time, children, and work. but whatever...excuses are for lame-o's.

i had lunch with a very dear friend and soul sister, camile! she brought back to my attention my blogs; how she loved my blogs and how i inspired her to blog herself. plugging her blog here. while sitting there and attempting to explain to her out loud "my excuses" for not blogging, it made me just cringe. it was pathetic really. i mean how am i supposed to get a writing career if i don't write. how can i complain about my job, the one that is a means to an end, if i'm not even trying to do what i love?! so here i am...trying to get back into it, not for the career goal (although, that would be totally awesome), but to take all the things that spin in my head and lay them all out for my (2 fan based) blog world to read, laugh, and be inspired. i might back track to some older ideas in my head; about parenting, living life to the fullest, and mostly just spewing all the crap in my head. so here goes it...

so for today, i'll just fill you in on a few things that have happened while i've been away:

• september 2011 
• went to california for the first time. i hugged thousand year old trees, slept in a tent, drank lots of wine, and met my boyfriends family
• november 2, 2011
• my first niece was born. lilianne robin azoulay. she is the daughter i'll never have.
• june 2012 
• went to vegas for the first time. we stayed in the paris hotel, won $85 in caesar's palace, molested statues, went to the grand canyon, walked the skywalk and the hoover dam bridge
• june 23, 2012 
• shot a fully automatic m-16 rifle in celebration of robin's birthday. enough said.
• august 7, 2012 
• i got a new tattoo. a big hamsa on my left side ribs. hurt like a motherfucker
• october 2012 
• i voted early. i voted obama. 
• december 1, 2012
• moved into a new place with my boyfriend and his 2 wonderful boys
• december 2012 
• i had a breast cancer scare. i have breast calcifications (that were biopsied) and four nodules that need to be monitored for the next two years. fuck cancer
• january, 2013 
• went horseback riding for the first time. sore ass.
• january 28, 2013
• purchased an ibanez artwood guitar. youtube lessons. finger tip callouses. another checkmark on my bucket list.
• february 10, 2013 
• my boyfriend propsed to me. i am now engaged to my soul mate. 

...and today, i am still planning a wedding, raising three amazing boys, managing my time poorly, dealing with chronic neck problems, frustrated with people, inconsistently working out, devouring chocolate daily (no seriously, every day!), falling asleep early, cursing like a fucking trucker, misplacing my patience, and most importantly loving on the four men in my life.

i'd like to close with a quote from my son:
"i moustache you a question. but i'll shave it for later"

    i'm a tree-hugger!

Grief Envy

‎"the deeper the grief, the more radiant the love"

this sentence was like swallowing a ball of razors. these nine words throwing a wrench in my head. i've already been battling with ideas of not grieving enough. do i mourn deeply enough? do i cry enough? do i miss him enough? do i think about him enough? do i feel sorrow enough? do i hurt enough? 9 freaking words amounting to just 2 words for me: grief envy

yes! hi, my name is nancy and i have grief envy!

what is grief envy you might ask? 
in short, being envious of one's grief.
am i the first to have this envy?
probably not. and i probably won't be the last.
now that i have put a "definition" to what i've been feeling
maybe i can deal with it better
now that i've defined it,
maybe i can even just admit to it out loud

so here i go:
i know, i know, we all grieve in our own way. no one way is right or wrong. i'd be the first person to say this. at first, i thought my reasons for my easy grief, was that maybe i was emotionally healthy. but as i grieve, two years later, i still wonder about the depths of my relationship with my brother. i wish i had deeper grief. i wish i had more. my grief doesn't seem enough. i want to hurt more. i want to feel the sorrow deeper. when i think of robin, i grasp at flimsy memories i can barely recall. i'm losing him, his memories. then i see my little brother and i envy his grief (even though he masks it deep on the inside, i see it). i envy the relationship they had together, the countless memories he can recall. i envy the closeness they once had. again, i know, i know, i shouldn't compare relationships, yada yada yada. but still…i know i don't feel the same pain, the same hole, the same loss. i see his and i envy it. i can't help but feel like i missed out, i feel like i should have done more. something is missing and i can't get it back. it's too late. then i also see my boyfriend and i envy his grief over the loss of his brother. i'm so stupid. i know. how crazy to envy someone else's grief. seriously, someone check my head please. seeing those around me grieve the way i want to grieve over my brother, makes me question what kind of connection i had with my brother. i think to myself, if i don't cry and miss him all the time, i must not have had a deep love with him. maybe our relationship wasn't strong enough to affect my life without him. crazy, i know. ridiculous, i know. but still thoughts that run through my head.

i wish i had more, more time, more opportunity. and i can't. so i live with this guilt, this regret.

nine freaking words

"the deeper the grief, the more radiant the love"

how will i ever get over these words?
i can't change what it was, i have to live with what it is.
I can't make it what I want, I have to live with what I've got.
will it ever be enough to comfort me?
will i ever get over the envy?

Mathew is Six

Mathew,

Today you are You,
that is truer than true.
There is no one alive
who is Youer than You.

Happy Birthday To You!

You're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting,
So... get on your way!

Have I ever told you how lucky I am?

I am so proud of the little man you are and the big man you are becoming!

I love you more than words can describe!

It's your day of all days

It's the best of the best

make it awesome

Love your mama-sweeta!

dumping out the grain of sand in my shoe

Be master of your petty annoyances and conserve your energies for the big, worthwhile things. It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out - it's the grain of sand in your shoe.

- Robert Service, a Canadian poet



...today, I am dumping out the grain of sand in my shoe.


This is a re-posted blog quote! i find that I'm in need of this reminder and resolution!

i tried music to let go of the sand in my shoe.
i tried writing to let go of the sand in my shoe.
I tried venting to let go of the sand in my shoe.
and it wasn't till this quote popped back into my head, that I remembered to just dump out the sand in my shoe!

note to self:
you are doing the best you can, where you are, with what you have,
knowing that you can't change certain things.
so fuck those petty annoyances
and focus your energy on all the worthwhile things in your life

Happy Birthday Robin (tomorrow)

Dearest Robin,

Always, for as long as I can,
I will look at this world for both of us.
I will soar with the birds,
I will dare and love,
I will laugh in the sun,
I will dream big
I will wish upon the stars for both of us.
I will pray to the heavens for both of us.
You will live on through me.

I will live for you.

And as promised on your 40th Birthday, I will celebrate your life.
I will celebrate you.

This year, on your birthday,
Together,
We will swim with the dolphins,
glide with the sting rays,
admire the fishes of the sea,

feed the birds and be one with nature.

Thank you for giving my life new adventures and present day living

...not a day goes by you are not with me in my thoughts, my decisions, my actions, or in my heart. I miss you and know I will see you again some day.

Happy Birthday Robin!

See you in the waters, the sky, and heavens above...
see you in all that is nature, mother earth.
Maybe that's why nature is company enough for me.

I love you!

your baby sis,

Nancy

P.S. Robin's birthday is tomorrow, June 23rd.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran

my past is what it is

I am over feeling that my past is something to be ashamed of.
Doesn't everyone have a past?
Why is my past so different than anyone else's?
Why does my past cause so much drama?
Even if my past shows a pattern of behavior,

isn't who I am NOW all that really matters.
My past experiences (good and bad) are part of me.

Does my past make me not worthy to be loved unconditionally?
Does my past make me not trustworthy or reliable?
Does my past scare you because of your own doubts?

I am loyal and devoted to those in my life.
If I commit to you,

I give one hundred percent loyalty and devotion.
I have never shown otherwise.
And to be hurt by my past seems so unfair.
yet it happens
and it happens again
Will I ever live it down?
Will I ever learn to just shut my mouth? But then again, why should I?
Why should I carry the burden to protect your emotions?

I am over being fearful of a reaction about my past.
If I reveal too much, I live in shame, hurt and guilt.
If I omit anything from my past, I live in lies by omission.
It doesn't seem fair, leaving me with little choice.
So instead, I choose ME! This is me, take it or leave it.

I have learned,
you must accept people for who they are.
You'll end up lonely and without love otherwise.

Why is it that we can't all just accept each other for who we are?

and where we came from to get here?
People make mistakes. People won't always live up to your expectations.
People have pasts. People have regrets. People are fallible. People are human.
Love them anyway.

I have also learned,
I am in control of my own feelings.
No one can make me feel guilty or shameful but myself.

I don't want to ever even contemplate the idea of hiding my past.
I don't want to burden myself with lies of omission to spare your feelings.
I don't want ME to be taken away from me because you can't handle it.

Deal with it, I have a past.

P.S. So do you!
And if you can't deal with my past,

then just be a part of it.

Quote by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry:
The arms of love encompass you with your present, your past, your future. The arms of love gather you together.

i have morbid thoughts

I have morbid thoughts

always have

they sweep through my mind

and take residence

they consume every part of me

evicting me from my own mind

with motherhood, my morbid thoughts multiplied

my mind, a breeding ground

producing constant fear and worry

lack of control

luring tears and shaking fits

it is a wonder, i survive

with age and lessons learned, I still have morbid thoughts

fleeting though

moving in only on temporary notice

barely noticeable

as i breathe

as i meditate

serenity, courage, wisdom

the morbid thoughts crawling away on all fours

except....

in the last couple days, i continue to have morbid thoughts

dwelling in my mind

strengthening in my weakness

my biggest fear of leaving my son motherless

in a selfish act of traveling alone

anxiety, stress, dread

breathing, meditating

a facade that my morbid thoughts see right through

they've invaded completely

a horrifying world of morbid thoughts

with courage, i'm fighting

with determination, i'm winning

to manage these thoughts

and expel them from my mind

I demand to feel excitement for my journey to Israel

so i say to my morbid thoughts,

tonight you die!

(is it okay to think morbid thoughts about my morbid thoughts?)

~sol

some quotes:
...worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.
...for peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe.
...troubles are a lot like people - they grow bigger if you nurse them.

dare to live in absolute vulnerability

vulnerable
[vuhl-ner-uh-buhl]
–adjective
1. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon: a vulnerable part of the body.
2. open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.: an argument vulnerable to refutation; He is vulnerable to bribery.
3. (of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend: a vulnerable bridge.

I say, dare to live in absolute vulnerability.

By definition, the word 'vulnerable' gives off a pungent odor of weakness and frailty. Why in the hell would we want to open ourselves up for pain or hurt? What a tricky game you play, Mr. Vulnerability?! On one hand, you smell of fear; a world of potential hurt and pain. On the other hand, you smell of free-spirit; a world of risks, adventure and living life to the fullest. Mr. Vulnerability, why do you play so unfair?!

It seems that we learn at a very young age to protect our hearts from pain and hurt. We build a security system around our hearts after being made fun of for being different, after asking a question and being laughed at, after falling in love and getting our hearts broken. Our security walls build higher the stronger we let our insecurities grow. And over time, it's easy to lose ourselves in these walls, living in safety and without hurt. We become complacent in a squared-shaped world with boring beige colored walls.

"I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive." To live in absolute vulnerability is; to be exposed without any shields, to open your heart to let love in, to risk failure at the expense of greatness. To live in a world with no walls is to believe in yourself in spite of your differences or broken hearts. It is in a life of vulnerability, you will find strength and courage to dream, achieve, live happily, and to love all the way.

So I say, bring it on Mr. Vulnerability. I welcome you into my world. I welcome even the hurt you may bring into my world. I will take a chance for you to see me, the real me, all of me. 'Cause in the end, I want to live life to the fullest, in the now! And if I should fail, it will not be wasted, for I shall never lose myself again in those safely guarded beige walls.

"Only a person who risks is free"

I am free.

love is stronger than death

so here i am, at the end of an emotional day
endless supplies of tears and memories
and still feeling after all this time...
alone

my writings are part of my coping mechanism
a temporary mode of catharsis
as expressive as i am
as open as i am
as many tears as i've shed
i sometimes feel just as repressed as the next angst-riddled teen

it scares me to realize that even faced head on
somewhere unbeknownst to me,
there still lies anger, regret, hurt, pain, and deep sorrow
secretly bottled up in the darkest corners of my insides
always ready to boil over
always sitting over the edge
a heart forever broken
a void that can never be filled

i'll always have this feeling, this story, this missing piece in me
that I will carry for the rest of my life
some may understand, some may even empathize
but i realize now that grief can't be shared
you carry it alone
your burden in your own way

a feeling, a story, a missing piece
a responsibility I'm proud to carry
even if i carry it alone
cause in the end
love is stronger than death

~sol

Robin, I'm drowning in tears here

I fucking miss you so!

Never stop sending me messages...

they give me hope!

till we meet again bro...

Mathew Lines Again

It just keeps getting better...

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways Mathew tells me:

• You make me happy
• I don't want you to have anymore birthdays. I don't want you to get old.
• I'll eat you up, I love you so (some of you may know where that one comes from)
• Je t'aime beaucoup
• I love you more
• I love you most
• I love you shinier than the shiniest jewel
• You're very sweet mama, like a lollipop. lollipops are the sweetest, but I won't eat you up.
• You are the best mom of all moms. why? cause you're my mom
• You are the queen of all moms
• I have the biggest heart for you in the whole wide world
• I got everything I needed for my birthday
• I'm your husband, right?!
• I love you all the way to heaven and back

Other quotes from Mathew:

• ‎Mathew came home from school with at least a dozen drawings. When I asked him why do you have so many drawings, he said "because I'm an artist!"
• ‎Mathew asked the nurse if he's getting a shot. She said "don't think about it." Then I asked mathew if he knows what that means...he said "I AM going to get one"
• "It's the circle of life mama" Mathew says to me after we talked and cried over Bear going to heaven.
• Me: "Why are you crying Mathew?" Mathew: "I don't want you to be alone for xmas."
• Do you know what I want for christmas from your house? I just want love!
• you're killing me smalls (quote from "The Sandlot" movie)
• can your tummy make another baby

This is my fourth blog post of Mathew Lines.
Here are the first three;

1. Mathew Lines

2. Mathew Lines - Part Deux

3. Mathew Lines - Part tres

May I be blessed to have a lifetime supply of Mathew Lines!

Life's Timeless Handbook

I received an email this morning with the subject header that says: "Fwd: 2011 Handbook." Firstly, I rarely bother to read anything that starts with Fwd. Secondly, it had graphic images that needed downloading. So I was about to delete it, when I noticed it was a list. Ooh, how I love lists. I started skimming the list and giving some credence to this email. It was simple, to the point, and spot on. But I thought why should this be a life's handbook for just 2011 only. So I altered the title, tailored the contents to 'my' likings, removed the part about forwarding it for luck, posting it on my blog, and voila:

"Life's Timeless Handbook" (in no particular order):

Health:

1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray or meditate.
6. Play more games outside.
7. Read more books.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for at least 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.
11. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
12. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
13. Laughter is the best medicine.

Mind:

1. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
2. What we think, we become.
3. Be truthful or be quiet. Lies are hard to keep track of.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
6. Dream more while you are awake. Dream big.
7. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
8. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
9. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
10. Take lots of pictures.
11. Don't wait. Time will never be just right.
12. Don't sweat the small stuff. It's all small stuff.
13. Move on. Let go. Always look forward.
14. Don't worry. Be happy.

Society:

1. Call your family often.
2. Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as you can.
3. Forgive everyone for everything.
4. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
5. It's okay to let your children see you cry.
6. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
7. Smile, it's contagious.
8. What other people think of you is none of your business.
9. It's okay to be different
10. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
11. Whenever you are confronted with an opponent. Conquer him with love.
12. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
13. In the end people won’t remember what you said or did, they will remember how you’d made them feel.

Spiritually:

1. Do the right thing!
2. Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.
3. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
4. Remember, everything happens for a reason.
5. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
6. Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely.
7. Seize the day and place not trust in tomorrow.
8. Be grateful. If the only prayer you said in your whole life was "thank you," that would suffice.
9. Practice compassion. If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.
10. Once you choose hope, anything is possible.
11. Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.
12. The love we give away is the only love we keep.
13. Be faithful to yourself.

What would you add to "Life's Timeless Handbook"?

...and no, you will not have bad luck for 7 years if you do not pass this on to 10 friends in the next 2 minutes.

Sharing is Caring

I am an official organ donor. are you?

Yes I know it's against the Jewish religion, but so are tattoos, eating bacon, christmas trees, and marrying catholics. so why stop now ;)

no seriously, religion aside...my body is a vessel for the me that's inside. if my body, this vessel is a gift allotted for my time here on earth and I have no need for it when my soul moves on, why not share it with those in need. Sharing is caring after all. and what is this world left with, if without caring and compassion?

As an organ, tissue, and eye donor I can save up to eight lives. This is a true donation and gift of life! A final act of kindness as you depart.

For those that are interested to register and live in Florida, click here! Residents from other states can go here!

In the spirit of sharing and in light of the holiday cheer, he are some quotes to remind us about compassion, kindness, and giving:

• Don't think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to keep a total stranger alive. It's really a total stranger giving up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive. ~ Unknown
• Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not. ~Dr. Seuss
• We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give. ~Winston Churchill
• The only gift is a portion of thyself. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

and these are from the Dalai Lama:

• Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.
• Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive.
• My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.
• Compassion creates a positive, friendly atmosphere.

It's Personal - Part Two

"I arrogantly believe that strong faith, compassion, and spirituality needs no organized religion." - my quote

When asked what my stand was on "religion" after reading this quote on my facebook page, I simply said:

I'm not anti-organized religion. But I do think it should be a choice, not forced by birth. I feel that religion should be personal and internal. I understand that there are some, if not many, people that benefit and need organized religion. I think religion is altruistically, inherently "good." I actually really believe religion could be so much more powerful than it is now. Operated and created by men plus altruistic and inherently good equals an oxymoron. That's why if you make your religion personal, it can stay pure and intrinsically beautiful. To me, god is in the eye of the beholder. There's no right or wrong religion cause no one can scientifically prove their beliefs. It's technically all mythical, fictional, fairytale. But in the end, we all need belief, hope, and faith in something even if it's not explained by science. Some call it religion. I simply call it faith. Why does it have to labeled? I am a strong believer (maybe even more than those who go to church every week). What is it that I believe in? It's personal. It can't be explained just like religion can't be. It can't be proven or held in your hands, but it doesn't make it less real to me. I don't feel the need to have to explain it to anyone (except my son someday). Isn't believing in something more powerful than us, enough. Isn't feeling connected to the earth's energy better than feeling connected to a statue? I know my beliefs are real cause they're mine. I'm not judging you or your religion, on the contrary I respect those with strong belief systems and for knowing what is personal to them. Look within yourself and ask "are your beliefs your own?"

Looking back after my brother passed away...I learned how strong my faith really is. I was tested, I was pushed and faced with something that didn't make sense, that makes anyone question life, the meaning of it, and even if there could really be a god. I can say with strong conviction and arrogance, my faith is strong and it didn't come from a religion! I know for ME, I don't need a religion. Do I think religion is a bad thing, no (definitely no). But find the religion or belief system that's in your heart not what's been molded in your head. It is my opinion that your faith in something/anything is only as strong as your personal belief in it. If you were born and raised catholic, your faith to that religion won't be strong, committed, or real until the day you decide that this religion is YOUR personal belief. That's why I say my religion is personal. We are all looking for something to believe in...just remember it doesn't have to be defined by an organized religion.

If your religion or belief system is personal to you, you've found spirituality that no one can touch. Faith can't be taught, it must be felt.

the end.

it's personal part one can be found here

One Year

One year ago today, I lost my big brother Robin.

there are days it still seems surreal

and days that are unbearable

there are better days of memories

and days of love in the air

there are days of wishing

and days of regrets about the past

there are greater days of faith

and days i smile with tears

living in this storm of emotions

these days of ups and downs

one thing is for certain

he resides in my heart everyday

Robin,

I love you.

I miss you.

I wish you were here.

from my heart to your soul

~sol

‎...the only thing that gives me hope, is i know i'll see you again some day.

‎...i wish heaven had a phone so i could hear your voice again
...your absence has gone through me, like thread through a needle. everything I do is stitched with its color.
‎...say not in grief "he is no more" but live in thankfulness that he was
...God didn't take me away from you. He only took my hand and pull me to his side. My body is gone but my spirit will never die.
...when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart. for every time you think of me, I'm right here in your heart.
...love is stronger than death
‎...where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.

...We may not understand why you left this earth so soon, or why you left before we were ready to say goodbye, but little by little, we begin to remember not just that you died, but that you lived. And that your life gave us memories too beautiful to forget.

I also wanted to share a poem by David Harkins...I took the liberty to change the she's to he's, the hers to his....

You can shed tears that he is gone, or you can smile because he has lived. You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back, or you can open your eyes and see all he's left. Your heart can be empty because you can't see him, or you can be full of the love you shared. You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday. You can remember him only that he is gone, or you can cherish his memory and let it live on. You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back. Or you can do what he'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

learn what you do

...you learn what you do. If you worry a lot, then day after day you are learning how to worry even better. If you think about doing something a lot, then you are learning how to think about doing. Every moment you are happy, you are learning how to be even happier. Every time you act, you are learning how to take an action even better.

What is it that you've been learning today?

What is it that you want to learn tomorrow?

By the way, I totally stole the above paragraph from a facebook application. Definitely worth thinking about. In your life, what are you learning by your actions even better every day? Apply these questions to yourself every day. Sometimes change is hard, but it only takes that one step "to do" to move forward in the direction of change. I do believe people can change. I wrote about that in an old blog, definitely worth reading, called 'do you think people can change?' And like I mentioned in this old blog, thoughts determine our feelings and behavior and above's stolen paragraph is saying, so do our actions. So be careful what you're thinking and what you do.

You are what you think and you are what you do.

Mental Toughness

I learned "mental toughness" the hard way. I suppose that's one of the best ways to learn it. What does mental toughness mean to you?

To me, my first time hearing of these words was from my big brother, Robin. He used it as an excuse to beat, bang, squish, twist, punch, pull and hold me down. Six years older and built like a rock, he would mostly make me cry, at which point, he would say that he was teaching me "mental toughness." You can say my lessons of mental toughness were no fun, for me at least. As I got older, I punched, pinched, twisted, and kicked back, usually only to get the same back just harder, and more tears. And as time kept passing, I got tougher and tougher. I blocked, thwarted, and outplayed him. My mental toughness was flourishing. who'd a thunk it? Not I, that's for sure. Looking back, cause we all know hindsight is 20/20, all our rough housing really developed my inner, mental strengths. I give him lots of credit for the unknowing, disguised lessons of mental toughness, unless it was his plan all along. Hmm...

33 years later, I am mentally tough! I've used my mental toughness skills as an athlete, wife, ex-wife, employee, supervisor, mother, etc... While I wouldn't say I have a hard life by any means, on the contrary, I would say "life is good" partly due to my mental toughness! It's this toughness that gets you through any kind of crappy life moments, of which I've had quite a few in the last few years...not complaining!

So in thinking of how I've used mental toughness to get me through my life's crappy moments, I started plotting a timeline in my head, which then lead to a draft play by play of the last few years on paper. I decided to add the good and the not so good to show the true time line, not just the crappy moments. So in the near future, look for a blog title "the crap line of my life" which ironically starts after the best day of my life, my son's birth!

So anyhoot, I found this quote today, which gave me the inspiration for this blog. This is exactly how Mental Toughness would be defined by my brother Robin and I thank him again, for another major, life changing, ever lasting, life lesson learned!

"It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more 'manhood' to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind."

Side note: My brother, Robin, passed away Tuesday, August 11th, 2009. The Friday night before he passed away, he was talking to our aunt about me, not sure in what context. And he told her to tell me these two words and that I would know what he was talking about. When she told me the story, she couldn't even remember the two words he had told her. When she said it was two words, I blurted out "mental toughness." She said "YES! that's it!" Mental toughness was "our thing." I never realized how popular it was; in books, sports articles, fitness tips, tests, quotes, and more. ...So maybe my brother knew what he was doing all along?!

Seeing these two quotes from Vince Lombardi, legendary NFL coach, I believe he knew exactly what he was teaching me (being an avid NFL sports fan):

"Mental toughness is essential to success"

"Mental toughness is many things and rather difficult to explain. Its qualities are sacrifice and self-denial. Also, most importantly, it is combined with a perfectly disciplined will that refuses to give in. It's a state of mind-you could call it character in action."

Message from Robin

My lil' brother and I went to Canada during the memorial day weekend. We were there to walk and celebrate in our cousin's wedding. Less than a year after my brother's death, should we be celebrating and rejoicing in other people's happiness? You see in the Jewish customs, mourning lasts for 12 months, and while regular activities in your life resume, you are not supposed to attend festive occasions, especially where music is played. For this reason, my parents did not attend the wedding. And after being there, I could see it would have been way too difficult for my parents. I didn't even realize how difficult it was going to be for me. I received many condolences from family and friends. I could sense that some people would look at me with sorrow and not know what to say. It was also difficult to see my aunts and uncles in a corner of the ballroom not acting themselves, not really belonging (they were in the 12 month mourning period for my grandmother, their mother). That was just a weird, constant reminder of sadness in place that didn't belong. Then, every time a cousin mentioned that this is the first time that every single cousin on my dad's side was together in the same place, all I could think of was "NO, Robin is missing!" Some probably realized what I was thinking, cause the impact of the comment disintegrated. Robin was mentioned in speeches and I know he was in everyone's hearts. This weekend, I was on a roller coaster ride of emotions.

Okay so on to the point of this blog:
Right after the ceremony, outside the ballroom, I congratulated my cousin Eric, the groom. He tells me with such sincerity and love "Robin is with us." And it took everything in me to not break down and bawl like a baby. I stood to the side and just thought of what the evening would have been like if he was really here and not just in our hearts. He would be "the" cousin that everyone talked to, asked for advice. He would be wanted in everyone's pictures. He would have this huge ass smile on his face. He would probably be sweating too. He would have danced the traditional Hora dance and helped lift the bride and groom in the air while they were sitting on their chairs. He would have been taking a walk outside a lot to take in the cold fresh air. He would have been drinking hard liquor, like jack and coke. He would have been playing with the nephews. He would be laughing and smiling a lot. And as if Robin was inside my head, he sent me a message less than an hour later to tell me he was here doing all of that.

While we were all on the dance floor, dancing the Hora, I was taking random pictures. And then boom I noticed this one picture. I was turning the camera off, thinking "oh I'll delete this one," and in less time it's taking me to tell you this, I noticed Robin was in the picture. I turned the camera back on immediately and yes, it was Robin in the picture. I shivered with tears while standing in the middle of the dance floor. I couldn't figure out who the real person was. All I could see was Robin smiling, dancing, and with so much joy. I am not blind. And this was not the kind of thing when people think they see their exes or passed loved ones in everyone they see crossing the street. It's not like that. It was Robin! Actually, it was my little brother, Philippe, who in my opinion, they do not look anything alike. See evidence below.


(click pictures to enlarge)

This is my family. Robin is on the left. Philippe on the right. Different faces, noses, smile, chin, forehead, I mean just so different, right? Now look at this picture below from Philippe's wedding almost two years ago. Robin to the left. Philippe on the right. So different, not even similar. Hey, that's me with the red frames.



Now here is the picture from this past weekend. Robin on the left bottom corner, I mean it's really Philippe, but it's not.



To me, this picture was a message from Robin. He was letting me know "I am here with you, don't be sad." He was celebrating, smiling, laughing, and dancing with all of us. I mean look at his face in this picture. After the initial shock wore off and the message came in clear, I was so happy! It made my trip worthwhile in every way!


My dad found this quote on a cemetery bench and it goes perfectly with this picture:

when tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart.
for every time you think of me,
I'm right here in your heart.

If that's true, you are living in my heart! Not a single day goes by that you are not with me.
I love you and miss you tremendously!

Quote

Be master of your petty annoyances and conserve your energies for the big, worthwhile things. It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out - it's the grain of sand in your shoe.

- Robert Service, a Canadian poet

....letting go of the grain of sand in my shoe