Conversation with a 7-year old boy

My son goes to the Jewish Community Center (JCC) for summer camp and after-school programs. The JCC enriches him with the traditions and religious beliefs of the Jews (among many other non-religious things). I think it's important for him to know where part of his family came from. So I'm really happy that he is learning so much about the culture and beliefs of the Jews, my family's heritage. But I also think it's extremely important to question everything. And well, Mathew surely does.

So today, after I picked him up from the JCC, we had another one of those conversations that I want to document for the books.

He asks me: "Why do Jewish and Christian people have so many rules? Why can't they be free, not trapped in a cage or stuck by rules. It's not fair." Verbatim.

I smile, and explain to him that each person has a choice. And by choosing a certain religion and its rules, they are free because they have made a choice. I gave him the example of my sister-in-law, his aunt and explained her choices were of her own free will. She is not trapped in a cage in her view. Have you thought of it that way? Mathew said no.

I continued to elaborate to him that you yourself have made a choice by thinking these rules trap you in a cage and therefore you are free for making that choice.

When I asked him why does he feel that way about the rules. He compared the religion rules to being like slaves in a cage. He believes the rules are so conforming that they make him feel trapped, like a slave. Wow! I am not making this up people.

Of course, being the balanced, non-persuasive parent (that I try really hard to be): I told him he had the right to feel that way, but he should ALWAYS respect what other people believe even if you don't agree. Everyone has the right to their own opinion, beliefs, and feelings. I emphasized that you cannot take these things away from people, nor can anyone take them away from you.

What I wanted to say: I agree with your sentiments 100%.

I'm so proud of my son for thinking on his own, for engaging in these thoughts and ideas and nurturing them into his own beliefs (not pressured or coerced by anyone, including me).

Again, my son continues to amaze me!



To close:
I understand this blog might get some people upset, especially some family members. I urge those people who get upset or offended by this to remember the lesson I tried to teach my 7-year old son today: we each have the right to our opinions, feelings, and thoughts, even if they don't coincide with yours. You are free to share your thoughts, but I will state upfront I do not welcome rude or condescending comments. Thank you for understanding that I am trying to raise my son to think for himself and to choose for himself. I'd like to think I'm on the right track!

Sharing is Caring

I am an official organ donor. are you?

Yes I know it's against the Jewish religion, but so are tattoos, eating bacon, christmas trees, and marrying catholics. so why stop now ;)

no seriously, religion aside...my body is a vessel for the me that's inside. if my body, this vessel is a gift allotted for my time here on earth and I have no need for it when my soul moves on, why not share it with those in need. Sharing is caring after all. and what is this world left with, if without caring and compassion?

As an organ, tissue, and eye donor I can save up to eight lives. This is a true donation and gift of life! A final act of kindness as you depart.

For those that are interested to register and live in Florida, click here! Residents from other states can go here!

In the spirit of sharing and in light of the holiday cheer, he are some quotes to remind us about compassion, kindness, and giving:

• Don't think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to keep a total stranger alive. It's really a total stranger giving up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive. ~ Unknown
• Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not. ~Dr. Seuss
• We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give. ~Winston Churchill
• The only gift is a portion of thyself. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

and these are from the Dalai Lama:

• Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.
• Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive.
• My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.
• Compassion creates a positive, friendly atmosphere.

Conversations with a 5-year old boy

Mathew, my just turned 5-year old boy, tends to ask philosophical and intriguing questions, in which he leaves me baffled and fumbling at how to respond. And when I do respond, it only leads to more questions. Good thing I'm okay with saying "I don't know" and we look it up later. This conversation you are about to read was without planning and as usual, leaving me fumbling for answers. But before you read on, you must first read my blog disclaimer...a warning of sorts.

The following conversation with my 5-year old son, started with this question out of the blue:

"How did Earth start?"

I started by laughing nervously while driving my car. I mean, where did that come from? here we go again, baffled and amused...

So I started by telling him people believe different things and that I'm not even sure exactly what other beliefs may be out there. Essentially, I prefaced this conversation with the notion, that we really don't know the answer to this question, but everybody has there own belief. I've talked to him like this before when discussing heaven, reincarnation, death, etc. Yes, we have these conversations!

To answer his question, I started with the Big Bang theory. Some people think that billions of years ago, there was this big bang in the galaxy far, far away and poof, Earth was created. We pictured what that would look like in the galaxy and shared our thoughts.

Then I moved onto the Biblical theory. Yes, to me it's a theory, a mythical story. I told you to read the Blog Disclaimer first. Anyway, so I explained to him that some people believe God created Earth. That God said one day "Let there be light," and the next day, "let there be the sun, the moon, and the stars" and then "let there be animals and fish" and finally "let there be a boy and a girl." Or something like that. Yes, I know it's not a complete full version of the biblical story, but I was in a car and did not have Google handy. He got the point though and asked a really good question:

"Who is God?"

I laugh again. Oy,"Who is God?" he asks. Seriously?! Okay so I tell him that people believe different things about God. But mostly that God is believed to be the creator of Earth, a father. That God is everywhere, knows everything, and is powerful. Some people don't necessarily believe in God, but a form of God, that is not a person, but a powerful, energy source. I was really just babbling at this point. I tried to give him all view points to the best of my ability. I started to wonder if any of this was sinking in, when he then says:

"I want to create an Earth too!"

Laughing again....thinking great, now my son wants to be a God. So now I turn the tables on him.

"How do you think Earth was created?"

Oh, the places he goes....

One version he gave me was:

"Maybe heaven sent down babies on Earth." he tries to figure out.

I wonder out loud, "How did the heavens start?"

He reacts quickly almost like saying 'oh that's easy mom,' he says "people from Pluto came to heaven."

"Oh! And where is Pluto?" I ask curiously.

He says, "In the galaxy. On pluto there are dogs and one is named Pluto."

How do you not crack up hysterically...

He adds "There are also cats on Pluto."

I changed the subject on him to talk about Dinosaurs on Earth. Yes, I don't know what I was thinking, a conversation about evolution with a 5-year old. Luckily, I just kept it fun and light hearted. We talked about how dinosaurs were living on earth billions of years ago before us. Then HE talked about the fossils that are found now by paleontologists. He loves dinosaurs and apparently knows more about dinosaurs than I thought.

Then, I moved the subject back to how Earth was created and asked him for another theory of his. This has to be my favorite theory:

"There was a picture of a girl and a boy holding hands. In the picture, there was grass and flowers on the ground. The sun was at the top of the picture. It was a magic picture and it turned into real Earth."

Stunned by this idea, I had to ask, "Was the boy and girl named Adam and Eve?" I'm laughing as I ask this question, but also wondering if he's learning ideas from elsewhere.

He said, "No, Adis and Owen" (I don't even think we know an Adis and Owen.)

So naturally, I asked "who drew this painting?"

"An artist named Mathew" he says confidently. (Loving it!)

"Where was this artist drawing this picture if Earth was not created yet?"

He says without doubt, "in a rocket ship far away in the galaxy."

Now I wonder if his theory is getting mixed up with Super-Man and a magicians trick. Too funny! Where does a 5 year old come up with this stuff?

This conversation was approximately 20 minutes. I am not sure I gave the details, creativeness, and humor we had in this conversation the justice it is due. At one point, I had to start taking notes; it was just too good. He asked me if I was writing what he said down. I said, "Yes! I want to share your ideas with you when you get older! You will love it" And that's when I noticed a sense of pride and pleasure on his face (that I was writing it down).

I freaking love this kid!!!!

Reminder to self: Show this blog to Mathew when he's 10 years old, then again at 20 :)

It's Personal - Part Two

"I arrogantly believe that strong faith, compassion, and spirituality needs no organized religion." - my quote

When asked what my stand was on "religion" after reading this quote on my facebook page, I simply said:

I'm not anti-organized religion. But I do think it should be a choice, not forced by birth. I feel that religion should be personal and internal. I understand that there are some, if not many, people that benefit and need organized religion. I think religion is altruistically, inherently "good." I actually really believe religion could be so much more powerful than it is now. Operated and created by men plus altruistic and inherently good equals an oxymoron. That's why if you make your religion personal, it can stay pure and intrinsically beautiful. To me, god is in the eye of the beholder. There's no right or wrong religion cause no one can scientifically prove their beliefs. It's technically all mythical, fictional, fairytale. But in the end, we all need belief, hope, and faith in something even if it's not explained by science. Some call it religion. I simply call it faith. Why does it have to labeled? I am a strong believer (maybe even more than those who go to church every week). What is it that I believe in? It's personal. It can't be explained just like religion can't be. It can't be proven or held in your hands, but it doesn't make it less real to me. I don't feel the need to have to explain it to anyone (except my son someday). Isn't believing in something more powerful than us, enough. Isn't feeling connected to the earth's energy better than feeling connected to a statue? I know my beliefs are real cause they're mine. I'm not judging you or your religion, on the contrary I respect those with strong belief systems and for knowing what is personal to them. Look within yourself and ask "are your beliefs your own?"

Looking back after my brother passed away...I learned how strong my faith really is. I was tested, I was pushed and faced with something that didn't make sense, that makes anyone question life, the meaning of it, and even if there could really be a god. I can say with strong conviction and arrogance, my faith is strong and it didn't come from a religion! I know for ME, I don't need a religion. Do I think religion is a bad thing, no (definitely no). But find the religion or belief system that's in your heart not what's been molded in your head. It is my opinion that your faith in something/anything is only as strong as your personal belief in it. If you were born and raised catholic, your faith to that religion won't be strong, committed, or real until the day you decide that this religion is YOUR personal belief. That's why I say my religion is personal. We are all looking for something to believe in...just remember it doesn't have to be defined by an organized religion.

If your religion or belief system is personal to you, you've found spirituality that no one can touch. Faith can't be taught, it must be felt.

the end.

it's personal part one can be found here

Message from Robin

My lil' brother and I went to Canada during the memorial day weekend. We were there to walk and celebrate in our cousin's wedding. Less than a year after my brother's death, should we be celebrating and rejoicing in other people's happiness? You see in the Jewish customs, mourning lasts for 12 months, and while regular activities in your life resume, you are not supposed to attend festive occasions, especially where music is played. For this reason, my parents did not attend the wedding. And after being there, I could see it would have been way too difficult for my parents. I didn't even realize how difficult it was going to be for me. I received many condolences from family and friends. I could sense that some people would look at me with sorrow and not know what to say. It was also difficult to see my aunts and uncles in a corner of the ballroom not acting themselves, not really belonging (they were in the 12 month mourning period for my grandmother, their mother). That was just a weird, constant reminder of sadness in place that didn't belong. Then, every time a cousin mentioned that this is the first time that every single cousin on my dad's side was together in the same place, all I could think of was "NO, Robin is missing!" Some probably realized what I was thinking, cause the impact of the comment disintegrated. Robin was mentioned in speeches and I know he was in everyone's hearts. This weekend, I was on a roller coaster ride of emotions.

Okay so on to the point of this blog:
Right after the ceremony, outside the ballroom, I congratulated my cousin Eric, the groom. He tells me with such sincerity and love "Robin is with us." And it took everything in me to not break down and bawl like a baby. I stood to the side and just thought of what the evening would have been like if he was really here and not just in our hearts. He would be "the" cousin that everyone talked to, asked for advice. He would be wanted in everyone's pictures. He would have this huge ass smile on his face. He would probably be sweating too. He would have danced the traditional Hora dance and helped lift the bride and groom in the air while they were sitting on their chairs. He would have been taking a walk outside a lot to take in the cold fresh air. He would have been drinking hard liquor, like jack and coke. He would have been playing with the nephews. He would be laughing and smiling a lot. And as if Robin was inside my head, he sent me a message less than an hour later to tell me he was here doing all of that.

While we were all on the dance floor, dancing the Hora, I was taking random pictures. And then boom I noticed this one picture. I was turning the camera off, thinking "oh I'll delete this one," and in less time it's taking me to tell you this, I noticed Robin was in the picture. I turned the camera back on immediately and yes, it was Robin in the picture. I shivered with tears while standing in the middle of the dance floor. I couldn't figure out who the real person was. All I could see was Robin smiling, dancing, and with so much joy. I am not blind. And this was not the kind of thing when people think they see their exes or passed loved ones in everyone they see crossing the street. It's not like that. It was Robin! Actually, it was my little brother, Philippe, who in my opinion, they do not look anything alike. See evidence below.


(click pictures to enlarge)

This is my family. Robin is on the left. Philippe on the right. Different faces, noses, smile, chin, forehead, I mean just so different, right? Now look at this picture below from Philippe's wedding almost two years ago. Robin to the left. Philippe on the right. So different, not even similar. Hey, that's me with the red frames.



Now here is the picture from this past weekend. Robin on the left bottom corner, I mean it's really Philippe, but it's not.



To me, this picture was a message from Robin. He was letting me know "I am here with you, don't be sad." He was celebrating, smiling, laughing, and dancing with all of us. I mean look at his face in this picture. After the initial shock wore off and the message came in clear, I was so happy! It made my trip worthwhile in every way!


My dad found this quote on a cemetery bench and it goes perfectly with this picture:

when tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart.
for every time you think of me,
I'm right here in your heart.

If that's true, you are living in my heart! Not a single day goes by that you are not with me.
I love you and miss you tremendously!

Chrismakkuh Bush!

Christmas tree, o' christmas tree

Much pleasure that doth bring me!

What is a christmas tree? What does a christmas tree mean to you?

Being raised in a jewish home, I never had a christmas tree. It wasn't anything I desired to have or felt left out not having one. When I met and moved in with my catholic boyfriend, now known as my ex-husband, I had my first Christmas tree. We incorprated Hanukkah as much as possible; making the tree blue and silver (and purple), adding Hanukkah ornaments, and calling it a Hanukkah bush. It was so much fun! After the divorce, I had the first year of Christmas without the tree (and without Mathew) and it felt weird, bare and depressing. This year, I did debate putting the tree up...and that's when I realized it's a part of my life's tradition now. Eleven years later, it's a beautiful decorative piece in my house that brings holiday joy and cheer during the season. It doesn't celebrate the birth and life of Jesus. It doesn't symbolize christianity, catholicism or christmas even. It's fun and truly does bring me joy!!

I have a Hanukkah bush, ornaments, stockings, wreath, and small xmas decorative trees outside. I have menorahs, dreidels, window decals, and garland. I light the menorah. I put gifts under the tree and in our stockings. Come the New Year, they all get boxed up and stored away for the next year's holiday season.

It's really silly to make such a big deal out of a jewish born and raised girl having a Hanukkah bush. Get over it! I'm not going to hell, my son is not going to be confused, and my life is not a mess. I may not be religious, but I have faith, compassion, and spirituality! I don't need an organized religion to tell me how to be a compassionate, good person, nor do I need any of you to judge my traditions, beliefs, and life!

I have a chrismakkuh bush. Get over it!

I am me. Deal with it!

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them" - Mother Teresa

Peace on Earth!

It begins with random acts of kindness, not judgment or bigotry!

Merry Chismakkuh and Happy New Year to all!

Sex is a Drug

Pope Benedict XVI says sex can become like a drug. I'd like to correct him now by saying, sex IS a drug. It's alluring, sinful, and addicting. Your heart pounds, your body sweats, the smells intensify, and the orgasms send you to heaven in a euphoric state of mind. Whether in love or in lust, it stirs up desires and cravings. Endorphins kick in and dopamine starts coursing through your body. This positive experience leaves you flying high and yes, leaving you with withdrawals. Sex is a drug!

I'm not addicted, I'm just a recreational user!


Before I go, here are a few sex analogies I started with while drafting this blog:

Sex is like a can of pringles, once you pop, you can't stop
Sex is like lay's potato chips, you can't just eat one
Sex is like Maxwell coffee, good to the last drop
And my favorite (regularly used):
Sex is like a snickers bar, it satisfies.

Buddhist Prayers

This morning, I wrote a status update on my facebook account that said "wishing.hoping.praying." A religious friend commented that prayers should be first. My response is this blog:


Like a Buddhist, I believe in prayer as a form of meditation, the idea for enlightenment through contemplation and insight. I do not believe in prayers for worship. I suppose the difference for me is that I prefer looking within than to some external source. I prefer compassion over fear; insights over ignorance; guidance over contradictions. A Buddhist prayer is like embracing the universe, conversing with it, then cultivating it within. I was born and raised Jewish. Today, I would say I am spiritually religious. I arrogantly believe that I have strong faith, compassion, and spirituality that needs no organized religion.

so when someone tells me that prayer should be first, yes I get a little defensive...
I pray, meditate everyday.
It just may not be to the same god, jesus, or other worshiping idol you pray to.


"Buddhist prayer is a practice to awaken our inherent inner capacities of strength, compassion, and wisdom, rather than to petition external forces based on fear, idolizing, and worldly and/or heavenly gain. Buddhist prayer is a form of meditation; it is a practice of inner reconditioning. Buddhist prayer replaces the negative with the virtuous, and points us to the blessings of life."

"For Buddhists,...prayer inspires our hearts towards wisdom and compassion for others and ourselves."

What's more, it can a function as a form of self-talking or self-therapy in which one mentally talks through a problem, or talks through it aloud, in the hope that some new insight will come or a better decision can be made. Prayer therefore frequently has the function of being part of a decision-making process."
- G.R. Lewis


Buddhist prayers are a form of meditation. Meditation is a technique intended to transcend the cognitive and thinking process (a working progress for me). Meditation instructions vary, but ultimately they are to sit quietly and focus on your breath or a repetitive chant. It is said, that regular practice cultivates wisdom and compassion and leads to awareness and letting go, "so that one can experience the mind's underlying innate qualities of bliss, equanimity, and the peace that surpasses understanding."

I read a story once about Mother Teresa and how she was asked what she said when she prays: "I don't say anything, I just listen." She was then asked what was it that God says to her. Mother Teresa replied "God doesn't say anything, he just listens too." This is a perfect example of transcending thoughts. Isn't this the ultimate purpose of all prayers and medication in all religions?


I suppose I can carry on and on about this...like I always do on this subject. But I'd like to end it with a specific meditation chant I learned and use, the four immeasurables, a series of four virtues used as a chant in meditation to cultivate those very virtues:

May all beings have happiness and the causes of happiness; (loving-kindness)
May all be free from sorrow and the causes of sorrow; (compassion)
May all never be separated from the sacred happiness which is sorrowless; (sympathetic joy)
And may all live in equanimity, without too much attachment and too much aversion,
And live believing in the equality of all that lives. (equanimity)

a short version:
~~may i be well, may i be safe, may i be happy, and may i be peaceful~~
This chant should be directed first toward oneself, then to family, friends, strangers, enemies, and all beings.

~~may i be well, may i be safe, may i be happy, and may i be peaceful~~
~~may i be well, may i be safe, may i be happy, and may i be peaceful~~
~~may i be well, may i be safe, may i be happy, and may i be peaceful~~
~~may i be well, may i be safe, may i be happy, and may i be peaceful~~
~~may i be well, may i be safe, may i be happy, and may i be peaceful~~

Your Hands

I heard this song on So You Think You Can Dance, New Orleans audition...and I just had to share. The lyrics, the melody, the voice...so beautiful, so inspiring. I fell in love with it the minute it started. I love it!

I don't consider myself a religious person, although I am passionately spiritual and deeply faithful. For me religion, it's personal. And to me, this song is about never leaving your faith even when your world is crashing down. Believe that everything is the way it's meant to be and that you are where you are supposed to be. Have, hold, and keep faith in your God.


take a listen...




Your Hands
by JJ Heller

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands


Before I go, I'll leave you with this quote:
"May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith..." -St. Theresa's prayer

Suffering

I had some family members in town from Montreal last week and we had some deep conversations about life, death, and religion. One of our biggest discussion and debate was about my firm belief in that "everything happens for a reason" and that life is beautiful even with all its suffering. We need to see the beauty within and all around.

And today, I read an article on Stephen Colbert in the Rolling Stones magazine. I want to paraphrase and quote Colbert from one of his answers, since it plays into some of my recent discussions with my family and friends. It was like Colbert picked my brain and added a new element to what I was so desperately trying to explain to my family. It's a feeling that's inexplicable and illogical, but also sublime and spiritual.

One should be grateful for suffering.
No one doesn't suffer.
The level at which you are aware of your own humanity is the same level at which you can "accept with open eyes, your suffering." - Colbert
"To be grateful for your suffering is to be grateful for your humanity" -Colbert

There are times through my grieving process (for the loss of my brother Robin) that I feel heartless. There's a part of me that wonders if I've grasped the reality and magnitude of my situation. Am I in denial? It's a strange feeling to be "okay" with death, especially when no one around you seems to be. It's weird to feel "okay" when you've just lost your big brother. It doesn't feel normal to feel "okay" with your current and recent situation. Don't get me wrong, I miss my brother and wish he was here with me right now. My heart still feels pain and suffering. But something inside of me (heart, mind, faith or all of it) also tells me that this is life, this is all part of life. And in every experience of suffering there is also beauty. To me, life is beautiful. I see beauty in it all; the pain and suffering, the love and joy, it's simply beautiful. Life and all its wonder, it is truly amazing! And when I read Colbert's words "to be grateful for your suffering is to be grateful for your humanity" it made me feel normal again, human. Without sounding superior, I now understand that the"okay" feelings are a true testament to my strengths in my personal faith, humanity, and love. I accept suffering. I take suffering and find beauty in it to live on. I know I am a very compassionate, deeply emotional person and at the same time I am balanced, rational, and passionately spiritual.

Furthermore, I want to point out that Stephen Colbert is a practicing catholic. I point this out because it doesn't matter what religion you are, faith is all the same, whether it comes from your bible, psalms, or self-help books. For me, when I read the word "suffering" my immediate thought turned to the words of Buddhist teachings. I even mentioned recently in my blog Tattoo This, that all life is suffering and one must simply give in to the suffering and let go. Through this letting go the suffering ends and people can achieve enlightenment. It's hard to deny after every life altering experience I go through, I find my answers in the words of the Buddhist teachings. Maybe, Buddhism, is for me after all.

While I'm on the topic of Buddhism, I want to end this blog briefly talking about the The Four Noble Truths. This is one of the main teachings and the essence of the Buddhist path in relation to suffering. It has enlightened me and guided me through some many hard times in my life...

These are brief explanations to the best of my ability (I'm not an expert on the Buddhist teachings). And surely, more reading and understanding is involved to grasp the true meaning of the Four Noble Truths. And in my opinion, is a lifelong journey. So here's a glimpse:

1) The Nature of Suffering
The very essence of life is suffering. Nothing lasts forever, even happiness. And as pessimistic and depressing as that sounds, it is truth. This truth is part of a strategy or therapy to find the solution to the basic problems in life.

2) The Origin of Suffering
The reason for our suffering comes essentially from our minds. Our main problem is our delusions (of one's self) and attachments (of objects). Because delusions and attachments are transient, their loss is inevitable, thus suffering will necessarily follow. With every negative action (karma) we do, we create a potential for negative experiences.

3) The cessation of suffering is attainable
Suffering and the causes of suffering are dependent on the state of our own mind, so if we can change our own mind, we can also eliminate suffering. The reasons we do actions that cause ourselves and others harm come from our delusions and attachments.

4) The path to the cessation of suffering
If we can control our body and mind in a way that we help others instead of doing them harm, and generating wisdom in our own mind, we can end our suffering and problems.

"Only with great spiritual attainment can we then see through this delusion and see things as they really are."

One should feel happiness, compassion, love and joyous effort when practicing the Four Noble Truths.


Before I go, let me leave you with a simple quote:
"Smile and accept" -Mother Teresa

~sol

11:11

what is with 11:11?

Almost everyday (more than once a day) since Robin passed away I see 11:11 everywhere. I'm not exaggerating or kidding. I noticed it several times in my car, or in bed when putting my book down. I could even be sleeping for a while and need to go the bathroom and it's exactly 11:11 on my alarm clock. Or I just turn my head to peak at the time at exactly 11:11. Or like last night, I'm watching TV and turn the guide on to check the time, I swear 11:11. I've heard people refer to 11:11 as the time one should make a wish, but nothing more. It's happening so often to me in such a short time frame, during a tumultuous time in my life, I had to research this freakish phenomenon that I was having.

In my initial google search, I yielded thousands of different explanations and theories discussing this phenomenon, from math equations to divine acts of god. Apparently, this is a really common experience, I'm not that special. In my research, here are some explanations about seeing 11:11 on digital clocks.

* It represents a positive connection and a gateway to the mysteries of the universe and beyond.
* It is related to the concept of synchronicity.
* It means that it's eleven minutes past 11:00. Anything else is superstition.
* A movie once said that hells gates opened at that time
* It means someone is thinking of you.
* It's supposed to be the sign of an angel
* Those who experience 11:11 are "light workers" being called to a higher calling in their lives.
* It's a beneficial act of Divine Intervention telling you to take a good look around you
* It's confirmation that one's spiritual/awakening journey is right on track.
* It means there are exactly 49 minutes left in the day
* And too many others, I had to stop reading...

Like religion, there are many interpretations or non-beliefs and only you can decide for yourself which meanings/symbolism comforts you most.

Maybe it is just coincidence, but I'm not a believer in coincidence. “Coincidence is god's way of staying anonymous.” I believe this phenomenon that is occurring to me at this present moment in my life is a spiritual message or intuition. I've been asking Robin to appear in my dreams every night...and he never does. I ask myself why not?

***okay, something literally just dawned on me***

As I'm typing this blog, I just remembered something. I don't need to search any longer to find my answer to "what's with the 11:11?" Wow! Divine wow! I'm astonished yet not surprised! What you are about to read may come off as cuckoo or concocted; it's not. I'm actually crying as this moment just hit me...


okay a little background information first:
I used to wonder when I was younger if my lost loved ones, especially my Aunt Lilianne could ever show me a "sign" from after life; a physical sign. Well, I never got any but the idea of signs from the after life never escaped my spiritual dreams of possibilities.

The idea of these "signs" and "after life" came back to me recently (for obvious reasons) while driving in my car. I tend to do some great thinking in my car alone. The song "Calling All Angels" by Train comes on the radio (which is odd that I was even listening to the radio cause I rarely ever do). I sang, but it really was a form of communication: "show me a sign" Robin..."to let me know you're here." I remember singing this song with such passion and hope...I was really bolting out those words for Robin to hear. So maybe he heard me? It sounds so ridiculous, even to me as I'm typing this. Seriously?! But it's hard for me to think it's just coincidence, especially since this blog was actually going in a different direction before this memory and realization hit me.

Robin (who by the way, passed away on the 11th) is showing me a sign (11:11) to let me know he's here, as I asked. He never came to me in my dreams cause he was already here.

So now the only thing left to wonder is...am I just engaging in some subconscious self-fulfilling prophecy? Call me crazy, cause I believe it's Robin showing me a sign!

Robin, I see the sign. Thank you! :)
I love you and I'm smiling!!



Calling All Angels
by Train

I need a sign to let me know you're here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know that things are gonna look up
'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup

And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels

I won't give up if you dont give up

I need a sign to let me know you're here
'Cause my TV set just keeps it all from being clear
I want a reason for the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me


~sol

Tattoo This

My next tattoo will be a red-capped robin slightly looking down as he is perched on a cherry blossom tree, located on the back of my left shoulder.

Red-capped Robin
The reason I chose this bird is simple, first for its name. Then, I selected this particular type for its physique; short and stocky, like my brother Robin. Then, the color red; as I said before, if I were to associate Robin with a color, it would be red. The bird also has a unique feature of a red looking cap, hence the name red-capped robin. My brother always wore hats. Therefore, this bird will represent my brother Robin looking down watching over us.

Cherry Blossom Tree
The reason I chose a cherry blossom tree is for its Japanese symbolism and how it ties deeply with the fundamental teachings of Buddhism (read my old blog Is Buddhism for me?). Here are some clippings from various web sites paraphrased to give you an understanding of the Japanese symbolism and connection to the Buddhist teachings:

The Japanese feel that the cherry blossom represent life in that life is something of great beauty yet it is very quick and passing and in the end is full of suffering also. For the Japanese, it is a reminder to live life fully and in the now. This concept ties in very deeply with the fundamental teachings of Buddhism. According to the Buddhist tradition, the breathtaking but brief beauty of the blossoms symbolizes the transient nature of life as well. And that all life is suffering and one must simply give in to the suffering and let go. Through this letting go the suffering ends and people can achieve enlightenment.

Another symbolic representation of the cherry blossom tree that I uncovered today, is that for the Japanese, the cherry blossom is often used symbolically or idealistically to represent the true way of a Samurai. The Samurai never know when they are going to die and instead of worrying about death they have to live their life to the fullest and be fully prepared to die an early death. They felt that if you were not prepared to die then you could not fully live. So a Cherry blossom that has fallen from the tree is often symbolic of a Samurai who has died early in battle. In fact one of the saying that was common for the Samurai was today is a good day to die. It is not that they had a death wish at all it was more of a life wish. They knew their life was rough and dangerous and that it would end in a sudden death. In fact it was more honorable to end in death during a battle then to live to an old age. So like the Cherry blossom with its short yet beautiful life the Samurai lived in the same way.

Based on the Samurai story, I was thinking to add one cherry blossom flower on my lower, lower back...right under the tree branches…to represent my fallen brother. (too much? maybe.)

So anyway, as you can see, this tattoo will not only symbolize my brother Robin, but represents his lifestyle, my lessons learned from him, and a reminder for me to live life fully and in the now. Life is transient.

I will be visiting a new tattoo parlor tomorrow in hopes that they will be able to create a beautiful tattoo based on my vision. Wish me luck!

~sol

It's personal.

What religion are you?

Me...oh, it's personal.

But for the sake of blogging, let me try to vaguely explain...

I have a relationship with God. My faith in God is personal. I prefer to not be labeled or classified in a religious group. My faith is not fear-based or money driven. It's not based on contradictions or hypocrisy. There's no temple or church. There's no superstition or magic. It's simple and pure. I have faith. I have morals and ethics. I am spiritual. I pray. My belief and faith system is a way of life, not an organized system based on scriptures or rituals. I simply believe in God (as it is defined by me). No one can judge me, criticize me, make me feel guilty or bad. The bottom line is that it's just between me and him and no one else.

In this passing week of sitting shiva for the loss of my brother Robin, I've come to appreciate my personal relationship with God even more. I realized that I truly believe in God wholeheartedly. And I stand by my belief that everything happens for a reason. I don't dismiss that this idea can be questioned or even false in the end. That's why for me, it's personal. I respect and appreciate the rituals and beliefs of others, knowing fully it sometimes contradicts my own. I know this faith of mine will be tested and pushed to the limits beyond imaginable (as it has done so already). I know I will question things and wonder why. But I understand that my faith and relationship is an ever-evolving path of enlightenment. I can now stand firmly grounded and believe that my personal relationship with God is honorable and virtuous. And some may not understand it, nor do I ask them to...because in the end it is just between me and God.

It's personal.

~sol

Mathew's Angel

While picking Mathew up from school after seven long sad days, I assumed he forgot about our last hour together on Tuesday, August 11th. I was wrong.

Our last hour together was bothersome for both of us. Mathew was napping when I got the call that woke him up to the sounds of my disbelief. I can't imagine what he was thinking or feeling in this moment. He was immediately concerned with me and gave me some "luvin!" When he asked what was wrong, the only thing I could tell him (without thought or planning) was that Robin was "hurt." And after some tears, hugs, and pacing, I told him that I needed to go see Robin and take care of some things. "But I want to take care of things with you," he would say. Or "Mama, do you need some juice?" You can see he wanted to take care of me. When his father came to pick him up, he did not want to leave me, nor did I want him to. He is my main source of light, energy, and happiness. It was a difficult hour between the two of us, to say the least. After he left with his dad, I rushed down to Miami...

* 7 days later*

Heading home after sitting shiva, I didn't really know what to expect from Mathew. His dad said that he missed me and asked for me a lot. I didn't know if he remembered much of what happened on Tuesday or not. When I did see him, he was purely happy to see me. He talked to me about school (I missed his first day of school on Monday), his new friends and teachers, and so forth. And when the excitement passed, he calmly asked if Robin was still hurt. Taken by surprise, I explained to him simply that Robin passed away.

*Yesterday*

By now, we have talked about Robin on several different occasions. And I've delved into it a little deeper. He asked to make a card for Robin last night (which made me think he really didn't understand). I've purchased a few books for him, which he is not ready to explore. I tried a couple times to read them to him...and he's just not ready. I figured he doesn't understand. Again, I was wrong. He just understands in his own way.

*Today*

This morning he says to me:
"Can we pick up Harley and Robin and bring them to Mimi and Papa's house?"

Mathew's understanding of death is of course minimal. His closest experience is losing our dog Harley, and we got to say good-bye and take pictures before we gave him up for adoption. This is quite a different experience, but nonetheless, I do believe he understands (again in his own way). I believe Mathew understands that he is gone and that we won't see him again, he just doesn't understand what gone is or why. As time passes, he will learn and grow with this experience. And I will keep Robin's memories alive forever.

For me, Robin is Mathew's angel now. I don't know if Jewish people believe in Guardian Angels, or even if I ever did, but I do now. Maybe this is just a way to give me comfort and peace or to keep his memory alive, I don't know. But I will constantly look to Robin for help, guidance and protection for Mathew. And I believe, that Robin will be watching over him, like a guardian angel.

Getting Up

Yesterday morning was the end of sitting shiva, which is called "getting up." It concluded early in the morning and was the hardest part of shiva for me. After morning temple services, we all met up at the cemetery. I arrived early and found myself slowing treading towards Robin. It was a hot day with a breeze coming from the east. The first thing I notice, when I stand at the bottom of Robin's gravesite, is that it is now covered in fresh, moist sod, not yet woven into the soils of earth. The next thing I notice is the vision of a cross defined by the space between the newly placed sod. Interesting. I was definitely solid at the moment, firmly grounded, able to speak calmly to new arrivals, and capable of not shedding a tear while seeing others' tears fall. After the few close friends and immediate family arrived, it was time to start the ceremony of prayers.

My parents, Philippe and I are positioned on the south side; the Rabbi on the west side (the bottom side), and all others completely around...supporting, praying, loving my brother Robin. During this short ceremony of prayers, I lost focus and battled my ability to stand firmly (figuratively). I tried to re-gain focus by escaping reality for a moment. I tuned out the Rabbi's voice and stared catatonicly at his feet. He was wearing a pair of worn out black loafers with a gold chain-like accent at the top. It had a loop and a twist in it. His black pants had cuffs and were just the right length for him. The left pant leg was laying over the golden accent on his left shoe. I couldn't tell you what shirt he was wearing, or if he was wearing a hat or sunglasses. I just looked at his feet. But when that stopped working and the nose started dripping, I focused up, higher up, as if to feel my brother's presence or to see a light of hope. The light blue sky was inviting to the eyes and the gliding white clouds were peaceful. The leaves on the trees were swaying and shimmying. The wind was soft on my skin. And again, I couldn't hold my focus. The sounds around me were too powerful to leave the physical reality of it all. And in the end, when the Rabbi said: use this time to ask Robin for forgiveness (for things we did/didn't do, said/didn't say) and to leave it buried with him...no one could retain their composure. This was the hardest moment for all of us. I internalized my regrets and wishes, my solid turned to mush. Shiva is over. Walking the path down the cemetery aisles, it hits me...the strongest feeling of loneliness ever. I am encountered by many hugs and the "I'm sorry's" and the "stay strong" clichés...and all I want to do is run, run far away and run alone...maybe just to cry...to cry the heaviest tears I've ever known. Instead I sulked like a child; half trying to hide, half looking like I was begging for someone's attention. While feeling horribly empty, I wanted to be alone yet wanted a hug. While feeling rage and envy, I still wanted to be alone yet I needed a shoulder. While feeling all that I was and wasn't feeling, I did and didn't want to be alone. Disoriented, emotional, overwhelmed, spaced out, scared, broken, hurt, pitiful, confused...inside my heart, I was alone. Shiva was over, it was now time to slowly emerge back into society...without my brother Robin. alone.

The sitting shiva experience was __________ (fill in any positive or negative adjective of your liking, it would apply). At this point, I am ready for the next step... I am ready to jump into the hectic world of my work. I am ready for some normalcy in my life. I am ready.

One thing though, I am left needing one good, sulky, lonely, heavy down pouring tears of pain. In the end, I discovered sitting shiva just deferred my grief and pain to a later unknown date. I will definitely revisit my brother and do this all over again someday soon, for myself...alone!

In the meantime, on to happy memories and happy thoughts...
back to reality...

Robin, I love you!
forever in my heart
xoxo



Before I go, let me make one thing clear:
NEVER EVER ask "How are you?" to someone who is mourning.
seriously ridiculous!

Sitting Shiva

In Judaism, Shiva is the week-long period of grief and mourning for the immediate family. The process of following the shiva rituals is called sitting shiva. I won't go into the the details of the rituals, but if you are interested...look it up.

This is my first time sitting shiva and it is for my dear brother, Robin. Before, I had a perception of shiva to be a depressing experience. While no one wants to sit shiva, I didn't want to the way I don't "want" to fast for Yom Kippur. I have formed personal opinions and views on religion and sitting shiva was not on my list of traditions I needed or wanted to follow (and not because it involves death). I just don't like the idea of sitting in a house full of mourners (granted I would be one myself). I didn't want to be in a state of constant grief for seven straight days, day in, day out. I am comfortable with death. I am comfortable with my faith. I am confident and believe in "the heart of life is good" and "everything happens for a reason" outlook. But sitting shiva, I always believed would make it harder for me to feel my own feelings, to find my own peace with "my" loss. I would be lost in the grievance of others. I didn't want to experience the pain of others while suffering myself. To see another suffer causes a severe reaction of sympathetic suffering. How would I be able to mourn myself? I like being alone. I like feeling and processing on my own time. It's difficult to witness or even fathom my mother's loss in her eyes. It breaks my heart to know my father's heart is not whole. It troubles me to see my little brother lose his best friend and only brother. How do you bear the pain of all those around you and still find the strength to hold on yourself?

I have to say after sitting shiva for a few days now, I can say my perception of this ritual has changed. I may not be practicing and following all the rituals written in "the book," but there is something to be said about this process of mourning. I wish my son was old enough to be with me through this process. He is my hope and my light in life. To not have him with me, when I need his light most, is challenging. Yet, I happen to have found light and hope in this peculiar process. The immediate family are in the same house sitting shiva for seven days. Family and friends are visiting and surrounding you 24 hours a day for seven days. They are there for you in such big ways, even without anything being said or done. Some have flown from far away cities and countries. Some are here for fifteen minutes and others everyday. Friends you haven't spoken to in fifteen years surprise you with a sense of respect and honor by visiting you during your time of need. It's so comforting having a household full of noise, albeit it may be mostly the noise of hurt. Besides the seven day of grieving, I find it is most importantly the seven days of remembering. We are sifting through pictures, Facebook, and text messages. We are telling stories of the things he's done for one another. We are talking about the places he's seen, the crazy things he's done. We are rehashing childhood stories. We are even mentioning our regrets and wishes. Friends are telling stories we've never heard before. We are talking about Robin every day, every minute...his heart of gold. He is on our mind always. We cry, we laugh, we are sad and happy. We are living. We are moving through the common stages of grieving, together. I believe this will be a lifelong process, but sitting shiva helps us to begin our lives again.

So now, my only fear about sitting shiva is the reality of life afterward. These seven days are unrealistic and uncommon. It's not the normal days of our lives. What will my everyday life be without my brother Robin? I still don't know the answer to that. I'm still sitting shiva. What I do know, is that my life will still be filled with love and happiness and Robin will always be a part of that. He will always be with me and live through me. And no matter what happens after shiva, I know we will all be okay.


Robin, we all miss you terribly so. Please come back to me in my dreams. I want to see you again. I love you!

Seven Prayers

I came across one of my journals this morning and found seven specific prayers written haphazardly yet intentionally. They came from a book I read many, many moons ago, Seven Prayers That Can Change Your Life, by Leonard Felder. It's a cross between self-help and religious/spiritual. The prayers are based from the Jewish faith. As most of you know about me, I am not religious. I believe in humanity and spirituality. However, from religion I can enliven my spirituality and personal beliefs. From what I remember, I found these prayers to be spiritual and meditative like (mostly if you read the chapters along with them). Let me share the seven prayers jotted down and you can determine for yourself.

Here's a prayer:
1. To start each morning –
"I am so thankful in front of you, Ruling Force of Life and Existence, who restores and renews my soul with compassion. You are dependable beyond measure."

2. To help you refocus –
"Blessed are You, the Eternal One, Pulsing Source of all that exists in the world, who guides us on ways to become holy, and who inspires us to lift our hands (to raise up our actions and be of service)."

3. To resolve tension and misunderstanding
"May the One bless you and safeguard you. May the One illuminate your way and be gracious unto you. May the One raise up in your direction and encourage you and give you a sense of wholeness and peace."

4. So you can unwind and find peace
"Blessed are You, Eternal One, Energy source of the universe, who brings fourth bread from the Earth…"

"Through whose expression everything came to be."

5. To help heal the body and soul
"May the source who blesses our ancestors…send speedily a complete recovery from heaven…a recovery of the spirit and a recovery of the body."

6. For breaking free from a habit
"I place the Eternal before me always."

7. To help end the day
"Help us, Eternal One, to lie down in peace, and to rise up, our Ruling Force to life. Spread over us the sheltered covering of your peace and wholeness…"

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
Are you open to the idea...any idea?

Is Buddhism for me?

I was born and raised Jewish. Through my adult years, I've grown to be more spiritual than religious. This is how it works for me: I believe in a spiritual, higher power, God if you will. But I do not envision God as a being, a man, a real person, or even our creator. I believe this power is more complicated than we can ever understand.

I don't believe it is God who created us in his image, but more that man created God in his image and as man's own image changes so does that of his God. For example, some are starting to believe God could be female…the cause of present time feminism?

I don't believe in organized religion. It is man created and self-serving. For me, it's not what religion you are or what God you believe in, but more about the person that you are or become. I believe in compassion, decency, and respect for human beings. I believe in the basic DO NOTS: do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal and do not lie. Is it safe to say that these are principles of all religions? To me there is no right or wrong religion, it is your beliefs...it is in your heart. Go ahead, create your own religion.

Overall, belief (which comes from any and all religion) is important to life, a good way of life. In talking with someone recently about my personal distinct beliefs, he remarked saying "oh, so you're a Buddhist." My reply was immediately "no." But apparently my spiritual being is closely related to the teachings and beliefs of Buddhism than I ever knew. I never studied Buddhism before, unless you count reading the Siddhartha book in high school. It's amazing that my inner thoughts and beliefs on religion and philosophy are naturally drawn towards Buddhism. After my friends comment, I became more intrigued with Buddhism, to see how it fits in my belief system.

And so here are some things I found (since this is not a research paper, I am not citing...please forgive me):

• One amazing fact that appeals to me is that there have never been any wars fought in the name of Buddhism.
• Buddhism is not considered a religion, as defined by "a system of faith and worship owing any allegiance to a supernatural being." It does not demand "blind faith." Belief is based on knowledge.
• True wisdom is not simply believing what we are told but instead experiencing and understanding truth and reality. Buddha himself asked his followers to test the teaching rather than accept his word as true. Buddhism depends more on understanding than faith.
• Karma underlines the importance of all individuals being responsible for their past and present actions.
• The law of cause and effect is known as karma. Nothing ever happens to us unless we deserve it. We receive exactly what we earn, whether it is good or bad. We are the way we are now due to the things we have done in the past. Our thoughts and actions determine the kind of life we can have. If we understand this, we do not need to fear karma. It becomes our friend. It teaches us to create a bright future.
• All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.
• Buddhism teaches that wisdom should be developed with compassion. Compassion includes qualities of sharing, readiness to give comfort, sympathy, concern, caring. In Buddhism, we can really understand others, when we can really understand ourselves, through wisdom.
• Wealth does not guarantee happiness and also wealth is impermanent.
• Nothing is lost in the universe. Matter turns into energy, energy turns into matter. If we destroy something around us, we destroy ourselves. If we cheat another, we cheat ourselves.
• Rebirth is part of the continuous process of change. In fact, we are not only reborn at the time of death, we are born and reborn at every moment.
• Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense. ~ Buddha
• Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it. ~ Buddha
  

This, my friends, is my way of thinking, my way of life. Without knowing it, I believe in a large chunk of Buddhism. Obviously, there is more to this religion/philosophy I need to explore, which is why I am now going to devote some time and energy studying Buddhism. It's the closest I've come to finding something that fits MY beliefs. Maybe Buddhism is for me?

Before I go, let me leave you with this story:
A daughter is learning from her mother how to make a pot roast. In preparing the roast, the mother cuts off the top layer of the roast. The daughter asks her mother "why are you cutting the top portion of the roast off?" The mother says "That's how my mom did it." The daughter later asked her grandmother. And the grandmother's reply was the same, "That's how my mom did it." To the daughter, this answer did not seem rational or sensible. So luckily, the daughter was able to ask her great-grandmother why she prepared the pot roast like that. Her reply was "Back then, my oven was too small to fit the whole roast."

The mother and grandmother had big enough ovens for their roast, but kept wasting the top of the roast.

What is the moral of the story? Why do you think I mentioned this story in a topic of religion? If I need to explain, just go back to church and do as you're told or you'll go to hell.

Don't be afraid to ask questions.

P.S. I think this is the longest blog ever. And, the original was even longer…I cut some stuff out.

Regrets

I regret not going to my Aunt's funeral. I was thirteen and was told I shouldn't go.

I regret losing my virginity on a drunken high night.

I regret not spending more time with my first love before he left for college. I wonder what he's up to now.

I regret not letting go sooner. I've lost some friends being so damn stubborn and unforgiving.

I regret not leaving Florida for College.

I regret not begging for forgiveness later rather than asking for permission and being refused.

I regret not articulating my opinions about religion to my family from the beginning.

I regret having feared my Father when I was younger.

But if I lived my life differently I would not be where I am today. And I love my life! But I will put my regrets behind me and live my life for today.

Before I go, let me leave you with a quote from Kenny Chesney:
"Regrets. In a way, they define us those things we wish we'd done differently. They can be small things that seemed scary at the time like skinny-dipping with the girl you really liked, or standing up to a bully or something that didn't seem to matter that made all the difference in the world, whether it's spending more time with a parent before they're gone or giving in for someone you love. Anyone who says they have no regrets isn't human. To me, this song embraces it and reminds me to live every day so my regrets are all, or mostly, behind me. If you can do that, then you have a pretty good game plan for living your life."