to beautiful destinations

to whomever this may concern,
it could be the devil trying to recruit me
or it could be the universe testing me
whoever or whatever it is - this letter is for you

why must you bring so much negative energy into my world?
are you testing my strength and resolve?
are you recruiting me over to the dark side?
i thought we've been through this already... multiple times, in fact.

in case you were still wondering, i am strong enough and will always rise above.
if you haven't realized yet, in the darkness, that's when i see the stars that i love so much
so is it really necessary to keep raining down on my parade?

i will live life in peace, harmony and health with my loved ones... you should move on to someone else who needs reminders that life is beautiful even in the darkness. and if you continue to drain me with this negative energy, i will have to resort to throwing it back in your face in the form of a positive vibe. you've been warned.

i'm off to my beautiful destination now.

i am a being of light and love
bring it on
~sol

My Letter to Mathew

Dear Mathew,

This message is for you to read anytime, all the time, and forever!

don't ever be sad while I'm away or not near, because I'm always with you in your heart
every time the sun rises to meet the day, think of me greeting you with a morning kiss
every time the moon shines good night, think of me holding you warm and tight
for every laugh you have, i'm laughing right with you (even if I don't get it)
for all your proud moments I might miss, remember I'm always proud of you near or far

and throughout the day for the rest of your life, remember i'll always be on your little shoulder or in your little pocket to tell you these beautiful things:

be strong. be brave. have fun. smile. laugh often. live life grande. dance like no one is watching. sing in the shower. do handstands. be kind. be thankful. be mindful. be soulful. do everything with love. stay positive. follow your dreams. dream big. be silly. be a kid. get dirty. go outside. breathe in. breathe out. find your inner peace. don't worry. be happy. keep it simple. strengthen your mental toughness daily. keep your integrity. be responsible. focus. be safe. have adventures. work hard. play harder. look up. admire earth. enjoy the little things. life is all about the little things. do your best. respect others. say please and thank you. use sir and ma'am. give compliments. spread love. be compassionate. rise above. stand tall. be proud. be a good friend/brother. take naps. close your eyes and listen to the world. use your imagination. think of six impossible things everyday. daydream. see the beauty in this world. relax and enjoy. fear is fake. wake up with a smile. choose happiness. choose love. focus on the good. let it go. reach for the stars. listen carefully. admit mistakes. learn. read. grow. stay calm. believe. everything changes. life is not fair, but that's okay. your attitude is everything. live life. love life. every second of it.
life is beautiful and so are you!

you are stronger than you know, braver than you believe, smarter than you think, more capable than you ever dreamed, and you are loved more than you can possibly imagine. and that's a lot cause I know you have a huge imagination.

i already miss you. 

and in case you foolishly forget, i am never not thinking of you and loving you!

this is from your one and only, #1, favorite, bestest MOM in the whole wide world!
and this is for her most favorite person of all time in the history of ever, MATHEW!

you are my light, my life, my love...

❤ MOM ❤

i live

for you, i live
i dare
i seek
i thrill
i love
i live

this year's birthday adventure in celebration of your life and the way you lived it...is to fly again, using a water jetpack (james bond style). unfortunately, the company canceled last minute today and our experience will be postponed for another day (soon).

these new adventures every year make me feel alive. without adventures, risks and experiencing new things in life...you're not living at all. you're just not dying.

"to live is the rarest thing in the world. most people exist, that is all" - oscar wilde
in your short life, you lived life more than most in a full lifetime. something i am always so proud to say. i hope i am making you proud with the life i am living, not just existing...because it's for both you and me.

happy birthday robin!
i love you and miss you everyday!!!

xoxo, from my heart to your soul

i have a dream: it's a quiet revolution

i am a dreamer. an utterly, hopeless dreamer. the kind that literally imagines all the people sharing all the world and the world living as one. yup, that kind of dreamer. i know, i must be naive or stupid. yet, i'm still hopeful for a day like that. although, lately the more informed i become about this world and this country specifically, the dimmer my hope gets. i get so frustrated, i cry, i rant on and on, and i drive my fiancee crazy with my ideas and opinions and dreams. i find myself asking almost everyday, what can i do, how can i make a difference, can i make a change in this world in the right direction. i am trying to be the change i want to see in this world, little by little. but it is so damn hard. this system we live in is so corrupt and money driven, it is just pure exploitation.

so what do we do
bring down the unjust system.
how do we do it?
we have a quiet revolution!

all over the media (if you look hard enough), there are uprisings, riots, protests and violence all over the world. in turkey, brazil, syria, parts of europe and now egypt. i'm not talking about this though.

i'm talking about a peaceful, spiritual, quiet revolution.
what the hell is that you ask?
for one thing, it's better for your soul.
but it starts with the need to rid this society of big corporations and big pharmaceutical companies. for the sake of this blog, let's call them the "evil empire." their interests do not lie with serving us or with healing us, they are only interested in greed and power. the evil empire make us sick and help keep us sick. they are taking away our earth's resources and then selling it to us as if its something we don't have rights to. they control our food, our medicine, our government, our laws, our way of life. they created a life of dependency. we live in this perpetual cycle, a fucking hamster wheel. this society is not normal, this society is corrupt and broken. as a nation we are circling the drain. so we all agree, we need to bring down the evil empire. good.
now let's talk about why they are in power. we buy the products they manufacture. we buy and support the agriculture that kills our earth and our bodies. we are the ones consuming things we don't need. we rely to heavily on their greed. we rely on their created conveniences. we rely on quick and easy. and as a result, we are succumbed to unhealthy and unsafe products and laws that only serve certain interests against us. the rich get richer, the poor get poorer and the middle are stuck in the middle.

to me, the irony behind all this is that in actuality, we are the one's in control. we feed the evil empire. we keep running in our fucking hamster wheel. it's time to stop running and start living. this is where the quiet revolution comes in to play. it's in our way of life. so i say, we take back what is rightfully ours. we take back the power that is in our own hands. without violence, without war. without even protesting. we change our way of life.

this quiet revolution i'm referring to has been talked about and discussed in other articles and online media outlets. it's already being practiced in some parts of the world. it's changing the system from within yourself. we need to find a more humanitarian way of life. we start by questioning everything we learned. we doubt the authenticity of where we learned it. allow ourselves to accept new ideas, new ways of life (or the old ways of life). we have the power to stop feeding the evil empire and to start feeding ourselves. we need to stop lining their pockets with our hard earned money. it is about becoming more self-sufficient, self-reliant. we need to live a more sustainable life. we stop buying their products. we buy organic and local. we make home-made products. we use earth's resources for our needs. we help thy neighbors. if the evil empire stops being profitable, they will stop having "control" over the government and us. we have the power.

ultimately, the foundation of this quiet revolution can only be built on human compassion. it is imperative for the survival of this fight, to find the compassion in our hearts we were all born with. compassion is the key to this revolution. we need to be more neighborly. 

this blog started with a dream. i envision one day living in a community, where i know all my neighbors. we all have gardens and barter each others crops. each house has different vegetables and fruits and we all share the land and the food. we help each other with gardening tips and care for each others gardens while away. our neighbors and i would also share and barter our many different skill sets; mechanics, handy man, doctors, seamstress, lawyers and so forth. we would all use each others services to help one another, no money exchanges, just a simple bartering system. our compassion for each other, our neighborly love will make us thrive! and best of all, we would limit the money we put in the hands of the evil empire. a simple dream for a dreamer like me.

can you see what i see? am i crazy dreamer to believe this quiet revolution will save us from the evil empire and save this earth we live on. i know our souls will thank us and mother nature will embrace us. 

do you feel the power in your hands? do you want to bring down the evil empire? then join me in this quiet revolution. become informed, spread the message. let's all help one another. let's make this dream come true. i am inspired today as we mark the 50th anniversary of MLK's speech to make my dream come true. if he can inspire the masses to make such a remarkable difference in this world, we all can do the same. let's be the change we wish to see in the world. let's start now.

my dream starts with a garden. i hope to shine the light brighter on me, my children, and the future of this world.

i have a dream. it's a dream of a quiet revolution. i have a dream of a world where we all live as one.



side note: while writing this, i had a song in my head and it fits perfectly, actually i was changing the words of the song with the words in this blog. lol. it was fun.

Revolution, by the Beatles

You say you want a revolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world

You tell me that it's evolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world

Don't you know it's gonna be all right?

All right, all right

not guilty

not guilty, but not innocent
we have guilty people walking free
innocent people walking in heaven too soon

today,
i could be the mother watching the murderer of my son walk free
a child who did nothing wrong that day
it was not the wrong time and wrong place for him
yet one man's wrong actions towards him
and today that man has been given freedom
even if he stole a child's freedom (for no reason)

today,
justice does not seem to be fair
where is the common sense
i am sick to my stomach

today, 

the world doesn't make sense

i am heartbroken

the tears keep rolling

today,
i think of my boys
my innocent boys
i fear this world will swallow them up

today, is a sad day for everyone's freedom.
this is not the greatest country in the world
freedom, liberty, and justice - not for all

i am discouraged
i am losing hope
i can't stop crying
help me understand


**********
let me end with a quote from miami gardens mayor oliver gilbert: "Let us honor Trayvon by working together to build a world that never allows life to be lost to ignorance, indifference, or idiocy."

may there be peace on earth for all sooner rather than later
RIP Trayvon Martin

Conversation with a 7-year old boy

My son goes to the Jewish Community Center (JCC) for summer camp and after-school programs. The JCC enriches him with the traditions and religious beliefs of the Jews (among many other non-religious things). I think it's important for him to know where part of his family came from. So I'm really happy that he is learning so much about the culture and beliefs of the Jews, my family's heritage. But I also think it's extremely important to question everything. And well, Mathew surely does.

So today, after I picked him up from the JCC, we had another one of those conversations that I want to document for the books.

He asks me: "Why do Jewish and Christian people have so many rules? Why can't they be free, not trapped in a cage or stuck by rules. It's not fair." Verbatim.

I smile, and explain to him that each person has a choice. And by choosing a certain religion and its rules, they are free because they have made a choice. I gave him the example of my sister-in-law, his aunt and explained her choices were of her own free will. She is not trapped in a cage in her view. Have you thought of it that way? Mathew said no.

I continued to elaborate to him that you yourself have made a choice by thinking these rules trap you in a cage and therefore you are free for making that choice.

When I asked him why does he feel that way about the rules. He compared the religion rules to being like slaves in a cage. He believes the rules are so conforming that they make him feel trapped, like a slave. Wow! I am not making this up people.

Of course, being the balanced, non-persuasive parent (that I try really hard to be): I told him he had the right to feel that way, but he should ALWAYS respect what other people believe even if you don't agree. Everyone has the right to their own opinion, beliefs, and feelings. I emphasized that you cannot take these things away from people, nor can anyone take them away from you.

What I wanted to say: I agree with your sentiments 100%.

I'm so proud of my son for thinking on his own, for engaging in these thoughts and ideas and nurturing them into his own beliefs (not pressured or coerced by anyone, including me).

Again, my son continues to amaze me!



To close:
I understand this blog might get some people upset, especially some family members. I urge those people who get upset or offended by this to remember the lesson I tried to teach my 7-year old son today: we each have the right to our opinions, feelings, and thoughts, even if they don't coincide with yours. You are free to share your thoughts, but I will state upfront I do not welcome rude or condescending comments. Thank you for understanding that I am trying to raise my son to think for himself and to choose for himself. I'd like to think I'm on the right track!

baby daddy

my advice to all the mothers-yet-to-be:

don't worry about finding the perfect man or the man of your dreams.
worry more about finding the perfect father for your child or the dad of your dreams for your child.

Imagine this:
That moment when you see your ex for the first time after a break up. Knots in your stomach, sweaty palms, heart surging...what do you say? do you say hi or pretend you never saw him? do you say hi and act with no care in the world? With each encounter, the ex slowly fades away and the knots loosen up, the palms cool off, and the heart beats calmer. Before you know it, he's just a blip in your life map.  an ex is just an ex.

NOW Imagine this:
That same moment above; over and over and over again....for the life of your child. No matter the congeniality of the break-up...you still get the knots, sweat and surge for each, expected visit from your baby daddy. And you ask yourself: how did you ever end up with that guy? What were you thinking when you married him? How could you make a baby with that guy? Really? Seriously? Ewwww?!?!

dear mothers-yet-to-be:
please choose your baby daddy wisely
"an ex is just an ex, but a baby daddy is for life" - my quote

i urge you to ask yourself: is this the man i want to be as my ex AND my baby daddy? you know, would he be the ex husband that is an exceptional parent nonetheless? this is an important question to ask when dating.

Seek a perfect father and dad of your dreams for your child.
Your child and your future ex-self will thank you!

from personal experience,
a single mother (but not for long. cause i met the perfect father, the dad of my dreams for my child)

life is beautiful

life is beautiful.

I believe in it's ugliest hour, beauty still exists.

for every act of terror,
there are more deeds of kindness

for every act of war,
there are more feats of compassion

through all the chaos and madness,

humanity still prevails

through the destruction and wreckage,

nature still shines on

through the dark clouds and bloody trails,

compassion and kindness exists in plenty

and through it all, you name it,

love supersedes evil

to me, the most beautiful thing in life is love

love overpowers hate. love empowers us. love sees us through.

love is amazing. love sets us free.

so when you find yourself question life, existence, evil and/or this crazy fucked up world we live in... remember life is beautiful. life is beautiful in all the simple things around us and hidden in all the ugly things we endure. cause through it all, and in the end, sunsets still rise, birds still chirp, flowers keep on blooming, trees are growing, ocean waves keep rolling on...people rise together, love blooms every day, lives flourish and thrive, and humanity keeps rolling on. so stop, take note of it. revel in it every chance you get. life is beautiful in every corner of this earth.

with love, we are invincible. 

all we need is love. love is all we need.

and never forget:

life is beautiful.

Well, hello there...

so, yeah i've been a stranger in the blogosphere for almost two years. i suck. and i hope my two blog fans don't hate me. are you both still there? i'm not proud of my disappearance. all i have are lame excuses, like no time, children, and work. but whatever...excuses are for lame-o's.

i had lunch with a very dear friend and soul sister, camile! she brought back to my attention my blogs; how she loved my blogs and how i inspired her to blog herself. plugging her blog here. while sitting there and attempting to explain to her out loud "my excuses" for not blogging, it made me just cringe. it was pathetic really. i mean how am i supposed to get a writing career if i don't write. how can i complain about my job, the one that is a means to an end, if i'm not even trying to do what i love?! so here i am...trying to get back into it, not for the career goal (although, that would be totally awesome), but to take all the things that spin in my head and lay them all out for my (2 fan based) blog world to read, laugh, and be inspired. i might back track to some older ideas in my head; about parenting, living life to the fullest, and mostly just spewing all the crap in my head. so here goes it...

so for today, i'll just fill you in on a few things that have happened while i've been away:

• september 2011 
• went to california for the first time. i hugged thousand year old trees, slept in a tent, drank lots of wine, and met my boyfriends family
• november 2, 2011
• my first niece was born. lilianne robin azoulay. she is the daughter i'll never have.
• june 2012 
• went to vegas for the first time. we stayed in the paris hotel, won $85 in caesar's palace, molested statues, went to the grand canyon, walked the skywalk and the hoover dam bridge
• june 23, 2012 
• shot a fully automatic m-16 rifle in celebration of robin's birthday. enough said.
• august 7, 2012 
• i got a new tattoo. a big hamsa on my left side ribs. hurt like a motherfucker
• october 2012 
• i voted early. i voted obama. 
• december 1, 2012
• moved into a new place with my boyfriend and his 2 wonderful boys
• december 2012 
• i had a breast cancer scare. i have breast calcifications (that were biopsied) and four nodules that need to be monitored for the next two years. fuck cancer
• january, 2013 
• went horseback riding for the first time. sore ass.
• january 28, 2013
• purchased an ibanez artwood guitar. youtube lessons. finger tip callouses. another checkmark on my bucket list.
• february 10, 2013 
• my boyfriend propsed to me. i am now engaged to my soul mate. 

...and today, i am still planning a wedding, raising three amazing boys, managing my time poorly, dealing with chronic neck problems, frustrated with people, inconsistently working out, devouring chocolate daily (no seriously, every day!), falling asleep early, cursing like a fucking trucker, misplacing my patience, and most importantly loving on the four men in my life.

i'd like to close with a quote from my son:
"i moustache you a question. but i'll shave it for later"

    i'm a tree-hugger!

the opposite of bully

I could not find a true antonym for the word 'bully'. Could the opposite of a bully simply be a person that does NOT badger, tease, belittle, harass, or intimidate smaller or weaker people? I think not. To me the opposite of bully is kind.

Acts of bullying inspire suicide.
Acts of kindness inspire more kindness.

I'd like to share a story that I just learned about on the last day of my son's kindergarten year. It's a pretty amazing story and I will no doubt be doting on my son (so consider the source, an unbelievably proud mother).

I visited my son's school this morning for his last day of school. The classroom teacher presented a beautiful video of the school year and the kids shared poems and art work from their school year. At the end of this event, a mother approached me and asked me if I was Mathew's mother. After I told her yes, she then tells me how sweet and kind he was. That she never met a little boy that was as sweet as he. It is truly such an honor to hear that coming from another mother. After my gracious thank you's, she proceeded to tell me something much more incredible:

"Your son helped my daughter survive kindergarten!"

What?! How?! Really?!

She explains to me that her daughter cried almost every day for the first half of the school year. She had a difficult transition, since she was not in a full time school prior to kindergarten. My son (apparently) helped her every day, not just once. He told her things like "it's okay, don't cry." He told her "chicken" jokes and sang her silly made-up songs. I know this because the 6-year old girl told me herself. The mother was tearing up while telling me how my son was so good to her daughter. Of course, I start tearing up as my mind was blown away. As she is talking to me and we are getting to know our kids a little more, I witness the unique bond between the two of them. I see two little peas in a pod giggling and acting silly. It must have been my proudest moment thus far. She explained to me that in the course of the year she volunteered in the classroom and could tell that their bond was special, like cousins. The teacher told us that these two will be lifetime friends.

My son has single handedly changed the course of a little girls kindergarten experience for the better through simple acts of kindness. My son helped someone through a hard time. My son gave altruistically and compassionately with no motive, but kindness. My son created a true friendship at the young age of 6. Wether it lasts a lifetime or not, I think this little girl will always remember the little boy who helped her overcome a tough transition.

I remember my kindergarten experience where I came home crying often. Three little girls made fun of me because English wasn't my first language. I remember they were the opposite of kind. I can only now begin to imagine (thanks to my son) what my childhood experience would have been like if I had a little Mathew in my class by my side. This kid is amazing!

Remember, the antonym of bullying is kindness. Spread the love. Pay it forward.

"My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness."

dumping out the grain of sand in my shoe

Be master of your petty annoyances and conserve your energies for the big, worthwhile things. It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out - it's the grain of sand in your shoe.

- Robert Service, a Canadian poet



...today, I am dumping out the grain of sand in my shoe.


This is a re-posted blog quote! i find that I'm in need of this reminder and resolution!

i tried music to let go of the sand in my shoe.
i tried writing to let go of the sand in my shoe.
I tried venting to let go of the sand in my shoe.
and it wasn't till this quote popped back into my head, that I remembered to just dump out the sand in my shoe!

note to self:
you are doing the best you can, where you are, with what you have,
knowing that you can't change certain things.
so fuck those petty annoyances
and focus your energy on all the worthwhile things in your life

Happy Birthday Robin (tomorrow)

Dearest Robin,

Always, for as long as I can,
I will look at this world for both of us.
I will soar with the birds,
I will dare and love,
I will laugh in the sun,
I will dream big
I will wish upon the stars for both of us.
I will pray to the heavens for both of us.
You will live on through me.

I will live for you.

And as promised on your 40th Birthday, I will celebrate your life.
I will celebrate you.

This year, on your birthday,
Together,
We will swim with the dolphins,
glide with the sting rays,
admire the fishes of the sea,

feed the birds and be one with nature.

Thank you for giving my life new adventures and present day living

...not a day goes by you are not with me in my thoughts, my decisions, my actions, or in my heart. I miss you and know I will see you again some day.

Happy Birthday Robin!

See you in the waters, the sky, and heavens above...
see you in all that is nature, mother earth.
Maybe that's why nature is company enough for me.

I love you!

your baby sis,

Nancy

P.S. Robin's birthday is tomorrow, June 23rd.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran

exit, stage right!

my mind

like a hamster in a cage

running in circles

with no end in sight

trapped

full of questions

fear

anxiousness

piled high

losing balance

things out of my control

exhausted from running in place

ranting and babbling

worried and stressful

panic swirling around

suffocating me

morbid thoughts seeping in

silent screams pouring out

stomach twisting into hollow nausea

drowning in my troubles of futile concern

exit, stage right!

~sol

my past is what it is

I am over feeling that my past is something to be ashamed of.
Doesn't everyone have a past?
Why is my past so different than anyone else's?
Why does my past cause so much drama?
Even if my past shows a pattern of behavior,

isn't who I am NOW all that really matters.
My past experiences (good and bad) are part of me.

Does my past make me not worthy to be loved unconditionally?
Does my past make me not trustworthy or reliable?
Does my past scare you because of your own doubts?

I am loyal and devoted to those in my life.
If I commit to you,

I give one hundred percent loyalty and devotion.
I have never shown otherwise.
And to be hurt by my past seems so unfair.
yet it happens
and it happens again
Will I ever live it down?
Will I ever learn to just shut my mouth? But then again, why should I?
Why should I carry the burden to protect your emotions?

I am over being fearful of a reaction about my past.
If I reveal too much, I live in shame, hurt and guilt.
If I omit anything from my past, I live in lies by omission.
It doesn't seem fair, leaving me with little choice.
So instead, I choose ME! This is me, take it or leave it.

I have learned,
you must accept people for who they are.
You'll end up lonely and without love otherwise.

Why is it that we can't all just accept each other for who we are?

and where we came from to get here?
People make mistakes. People won't always live up to your expectations.
People have pasts. People have regrets. People are fallible. People are human.
Love them anyway.

I have also learned,
I am in control of my own feelings.
No one can make me feel guilty or shameful but myself.

I don't want to ever even contemplate the idea of hiding my past.
I don't want to burden myself with lies of omission to spare your feelings.
I don't want ME to be taken away from me because you can't handle it.

Deal with it, I have a past.

P.S. So do you!
And if you can't deal with my past,

then just be a part of it.

Quote by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry:
The arms of love encompass you with your present, your past, your future. The arms of love gather you together.

i feel you

your pain

you writhe internally

absorbing your affliction alone

but it seeps through my bones

enduring the sharpness piercing me

i feel your pain

i feel you

your hurt

you agonize unanswered questions

sifting through the muck alone

but it strikes me to my core

bruising and battering me around

i feel your hurt

i feel you

your anger

you burn in fury privately

losing control and fighting with yourself

but it clenches my heart

pounding with frenzy

i feel your anger

i feel you

your grief

you ache in a constant state

a permanent void you fill with lonely gloom

but it amplifies my matching eternal hole

a space for the never-ending flow of tears

i feel your grief

i feel you

your joy

you radiate with delightful bliss

sharing your smiles and wonder

and it penetrates my heart

glowing and floating with you on cloud 9

i feel your joy

i feel you

your fortune

you say you hit the jackpot

appreciating and savoring your treasure

and it feels so perfect

you are perfect for me

i feel your fortune

i feel you

your life

you live life to the fullest

grateful and giving; caring and unselfish

and it complements my life completely

our souls are one in the same

i feel your life

i feel you

your love

you love with intensity and devotion

enchanted with a magical mystery

and it consumes me whole; spellbound

i love you with all my heart and soul

i feel your love

i feel you

i am your friend

and i feel you

i am your companion

and i feel you

i am your lover

and i feel you

i am you

i feel you

i love you

~sol

i have morbid thoughts

I have morbid thoughts

always have

they sweep through my mind

and take residence

they consume every part of me

evicting me from my own mind

with motherhood, my morbid thoughts multiplied

my mind, a breeding ground

producing constant fear and worry

lack of control

luring tears and shaking fits

it is a wonder, i survive

with age and lessons learned, I still have morbid thoughts

fleeting though

moving in only on temporary notice

barely noticeable

as i breathe

as i meditate

serenity, courage, wisdom

the morbid thoughts crawling away on all fours

except....

in the last couple days, i continue to have morbid thoughts

dwelling in my mind

strengthening in my weakness

my biggest fear of leaving my son motherless

in a selfish act of traveling alone

anxiety, stress, dread

breathing, meditating

a facade that my morbid thoughts see right through

they've invaded completely

a horrifying world of morbid thoughts

with courage, i'm fighting

with determination, i'm winning

to manage these thoughts

and expel them from my mind

I demand to feel excitement for my journey to Israel

so i say to my morbid thoughts,

tonight you die!

(is it okay to think morbid thoughts about my morbid thoughts?)

~sol

some quotes:
...worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.
...for peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe.
...troubles are a lot like people - they grow bigger if you nurse them.

I Love You, Earth

I firmly believe that earth, mother nature, you, me, us, we are all connected

connected by an inexplicable, unscientifically proven energy

an energy that drives us, that connects us

whether we can feel it or not

it's there and this is my god

I feel so deeply and spiritually connected to this energy, this earth

don't you?

sunsets move me. they take my breath away. each sunset unique like a thumbprint in the sky. no crayon in the box can match the fusion of colors. the layers in the sky evoke a sense of serenity. the sun rays last beams of the day sound like angels singing hallelujah. it's so heavenly.

sunrises are so graceful. they find there way in your heart. like a sunset, also incomparable to the one before. the peaking rays arise a feeling of hope. a new day has begun in the most extraordinary way. amazing.

trees touch my heart. they fill my heart with joy. trees with leaves. trees with flowers. trees with fruit. bare trees. colored trunks. trees. trees. trees. i love trees. i can see them move to music like a ballet dancer. an elegant beauty. each tree has a story. it's empowering.

the ocean humbles me. the vastness calms my spirits. the unknown mysteries below captivate me. creatures yet to be discovered. menacing and ominous, yet brotherly and inviting. the waves working in rhythm, crashing in crescendo. the tempo ever-changing. like a never-ending classical music piece. breathtaking.

lightning strikes me in awe. it's beauty fleeting and so unexpected. a vivid charge of light streaking through the night sky. I see blues, purples, pinks and whites combined to make an electric spark. enthralled with sounds of thunder close behind. exhilarating.

clearly I can go on and describe everything i love about mother earth; like the glorious mountains, the feel of the wind on my face, the blue skies and clouds, the ominous evening black drop, the endless amount of stars, the animals and creatures that roam along side us, cascading waterfalls, lakes, volcanoes, and wow, so much more. I'm even riveted by her magnificent power during her ugliest hour. I'm not a hippie, tree-hugger, granola, or whatever you may perceive. I just love earth. not just beacuse it's my home. but more because it's part of me, you, us...

do you hear it?

do you see it?

can you feel it?

am I the only one?

I am blessed to feel so connected to mother earth. I can see, hear, and feel mother earth and the messages the world sends me. I only hope I can pass this kindred connection to my son.

I love you, Earth!

Thank you!

dare to live in absolute vulnerability

vulnerable
[vuhl-ner-uh-buhl]
–adjective
1. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon: a vulnerable part of the body.
2. open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.: an argument vulnerable to refutation; He is vulnerable to bribery.
3. (of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend: a vulnerable bridge.

I say, dare to live in absolute vulnerability.

By definition, the word 'vulnerable' gives off a pungent odor of weakness and frailty. Why in the hell would we want to open ourselves up for pain or hurt? What a tricky game you play, Mr. Vulnerability?! On one hand, you smell of fear; a world of potential hurt and pain. On the other hand, you smell of free-spirit; a world of risks, adventure and living life to the fullest. Mr. Vulnerability, why do you play so unfair?!

It seems that we learn at a very young age to protect our hearts from pain and hurt. We build a security system around our hearts after being made fun of for being different, after asking a question and being laughed at, after falling in love and getting our hearts broken. Our security walls build higher the stronger we let our insecurities grow. And over time, it's easy to lose ourselves in these walls, living in safety and without hurt. We become complacent in a squared-shaped world with boring beige colored walls.

"I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive." To live in absolute vulnerability is; to be exposed without any shields, to open your heart to let love in, to risk failure at the expense of greatness. To live in a world with no walls is to believe in yourself in spite of your differences or broken hearts. It is in a life of vulnerability, you will find strength and courage to dream, achieve, live happily, and to love all the way.

So I say, bring it on Mr. Vulnerability. I welcome you into my world. I welcome even the hurt you may bring into my world. I will take a chance for you to see me, the real me, all of me. 'Cause in the end, I want to live life to the fullest, in the now! And if I should fail, it will not be wasted, for I shall never lose myself again in those safely guarded beige walls.

"Only a person who risks is free"

I am free.

love is stronger than death

so here i am, at the end of an emotional day
endless supplies of tears and memories
and still feeling after all this time...
alone

my writings are part of my coping mechanism
a temporary mode of catharsis
as expressive as i am
as open as i am
as many tears as i've shed
i sometimes feel just as repressed as the next angst-riddled teen

it scares me to realize that even faced head on
somewhere unbeknownst to me,
there still lies anger, regret, hurt, pain, and deep sorrow
secretly bottled up in the darkest corners of my insides
always ready to boil over
always sitting over the edge
a heart forever broken
a void that can never be filled

i'll always have this feeling, this story, this missing piece in me
that I will carry for the rest of my life
some may understand, some may even empathize
but i realize now that grief can't be shared
you carry it alone
your burden in your own way

a feeling, a story, a missing piece
a responsibility I'm proud to carry
even if i carry it alone
cause in the end
love is stronger than death

~sol

Robin, I'm drowning in tears here

I fucking miss you so!

Never stop sending me messages...

they give me hope!

till we meet again bro...

The Dalai Lama’s 18 Rules for Living

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

3. Follow the three Rs:

• Respect for self
• Respect for others
• Responsibility for all your actions

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone every day.

9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the earth.

16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.