My son amazes me!

My son amazes me!

Here's a little story, I'd like to document for my memory bank (one of the real reasons I blog).

Mondays are 'show and tell' days at school. Mathew loves this day. He gets to show off his favorite toys, stuffed animals, books, and such. Yesterday morning, he asked me "is it 'show and tell' day?" And before I can even get the word "yes" out of my mouth, he got all excited and ran upstairs. He came back down with his little red photo album. This album is photos of him and his Uncle Robin (about 40 plus pictures). I made this for him about a month after Robin passed away. I had a fear that he would forget who his Uncle Robin was (this fear is long gone now). I have found this album tucked up next to him at night while he is sleeping, moved in different locations, and left open many different times. He evidently views this album frequently, to my surprise. He talks about Robin, tells me he dreams of Robin, or that he imagines Robin sitting next to him. He does get sad at times and cries when missing Robin, but for the most part he expresses his thoughts of Robin in a positive way, as I try to role model that same positive behavior.

I just realized that I have to give you a back story (didn't blog about it - strange?!) before I carry on with today's story. On thanksgiving day of 2009, I took Mathew for the the first time to the cemetery to visit Robin. I was hoping to wait for the ability to go to the cemetery without crying, but I realized that idea is futile. But I didn't want to wait too long before taking him to visit either. I remember that it was a spontaneous last minute idea to go to the cemetery (maybe more for me) on our way down to my parents house for thanksgiving dinner. Mathew and I have still been sending balloons for Robin on the holidays and for 'just because' reasons, (which reminds me I need to buy eco-friendly balloons). So I thought, we would send the balloon from the cemetery this time, foolishly not aware of the possible reactions. On the way, I tried to prepare my son (again not fully envisioning or preparing myself for this "talk"). I totally winged it (oops)! I started with my first mistake, I told my son "we are on our way to see Robin." Idiot! Now he thinks we're actually going to see him. Smarty pants Mathew asks "are we going to heaven?" Great idea! Wouldn't that be an amazing trip!? So naturally, I had to clarify that we weren't actually going to see him, but that we were going to visit his "body" in a cemetery. This led to questions about the cemetery and discussion of appropriate behavior at the cemetery. I told him that many families have loved ones buried here and that we have to respect the cemetery and others, use our inside voices (even though we are outside), and walk only on the paved walkways, etc, etc. He asked many appropriate questions that I was proud to respond to. Then as I described to him that Robin was buried underground, I realize my next mistake. I literally smacked my hand on my forehead as soon as that came out of my mouth. I've been telling him Robin is up in heaven and now I'm saying he's buried underground. So before another smarty pants question could come out. I tried to explain the difference, that his body is underground in a box (coffin) and the his soul is up in heaven. Okay, no confusion there. Then he asked more about this box thing and why we bury people in a box. I did the best I could, talking about being buried with the dirt and how our body goes back into earth. I couldn't believe I was having this discussion with my four year old son, and who seemed to be clearly grasping this all (in his own way). Another back story, I didn't mention in my blogs, is about vultures. Mathew and I witnessed huge vultures eating a dead bird by our house many months before Robin even passed away. So I used that opportunity to give him a lesson on vultures; what kid of birds they are, where you can find them, what they eat, etc. Smarty pants Mathew asked me one time if vultures were going to eat Robin (knowing that vultures eat dead things). So, on our car ride to the cemetery, we were able to tie in the discussion of being buried underground where the vultures won't get to him and the cemetery. This car ride contained the most intellectual conversation about death, cemeteries, and heaven with my four-year old son. It didn't start there, nor did it end there. I still get questions and comments randomly. Like yesterday, he asked me "how do you talk if you're in heaven?" It is obvious he is thinking and processing this complex idea in his deep and thoughtful 4 year old head of his. Every story, every experience, every moment is magnificently absorbed by my son with such understanding and comprehension. I am truly amazed! Not to mention that me having to be so matter-of fact with my son about death has helped me cope with my brother's loss more than I can fully appreciate. The bluntness of my words I have to use for it to make sense to my son don't feel as sharp as they once did. They don't pain me to speak of the truth, the facts, what us adults usually have a hard time dealing with. I thank my son for helping ME deal with the truth, to smile and think positively about Robin. Back at the cemetery, I kept it brief. I showed him Robin's name on the makeshift sign (for now). We have to wait for the one year anniversary to put up the "headstone". I showed him what others looked like. We had a little talk about that. Yes, I cried a little hoping to mask it behind my huge sunglasses. There is no hiding my emotions from my son. He asks me why I was crying and I simply stated that I miss Robin. He told me that it would be okay and hugged me. I love his hugs, they cure all my grief! On our way out, we stopped by my aunt's plot. I told him that he never met her, but that she was a beautiful, loving aunt and is up in heaven with Robin. She is Mimi's sister and Mumu's (Muriel's) mom. We left a rock on her headstone and left to Mimi and Papa's house. The next day he wanted to send a balloon to heaven for Tata Lilianne and Robin! He has such a compassionate soul and huge heart...he's amazing (and I KNOW I'm biased)!

Okay, so back to today's story...let's see where did I leave off. Oh, Show and Tell Monday!

Mathew brings in his photo album of his Uncle Robin on Monday. This morning, when I drop him off, I asked the teacher how 'show and tell' went yesterday, since I was a little worried he may be too blunt with his words in front of the other children. I can tell she was worried too, but she said it ended up being just fine (sorta short and sweet). He didn't get sad, he just talked candidly about his Uncle Robin, showed his picture and said that he was in heaven. She told me that he has been drawing Uncle Robin several times now. She saved me the one he drew yesterday (and told me I will find others like this in his 'daybook'). The drawing I received this morning, was of Robin in a "box" in the cemetery. It wasn't a detailed drawing, it wasn't negative, dark, or gloomy, it was simple and matter-of-fact, like our conversations. That's why the teacher asked me if I took him to the cemetery. It was just that one time a couple months ago. Amazing! The teacher told me that this was healthy, he is expressing and processing his thoughts in a positive way. She tells me that he is so smart and maturely advanced for his age. He's doing just fine.

As I walked back to my car, drawing in hand, my heart broke into a little million pieces for Mathew. It's not right for a four year old to have to cope and learn about this. My heart hurts thinking that Robin is not here watching him grow, guiding him through "mental toughness" lessons, laughing, playing, sharing, hugging, and talking with him. It hurts to see Mathew hurting and missing Robin. All these thoughts came flooding in on this short walk, and as I sat in my car the flood of tears came pouring out (as I'm doing now).

Every story, every moment, every experience magnificently absorbed by Mathew with such understanding and comprehension. I am amazed! I am so proud of my son, especially in these emotionally, somber moments!

We ❤ you, Robin! and if it isn't obvious enough, we miss you tremendously!!! You are always, always with us in our thoughts, our dreams, and especially in our hearts.

❤ Forever Together ❤

My Grief

It's been 44 days since you died, Robin. And tonight, my grief strikes hardest. Who would think a stupid TV show would instigate the endless supply of tears. Season Premiere of Grey's Anatomy, 2 hour episode. I don't remember if this is one of the shows you watched. I do remember you liked Private Practice, which was sort of a spin off from Grey's. So maybe you did like Grey's. Anyway, this episode was about grief.

Today, I spoke to our cousin Joe and he asked me a unique question that is sticking out now…he wondered if anyone was asking ‘me’ how I was doing. And truth be told, I don’t believe so or maybe I didn’t listen for it. I guess I didn’t feel like I needed to be asked. I’m focusing on all the lives around me who are grieving. I’m being strong. And I really take on to that role naturally, instinctively. And I know that a lot of my pain, tears, and sorrow have been for the empathy and sympathy of others’ grief. My sporadic moments have been just that, sporadic and fleeting. Where is my grief for ME? I wondered why I haven’t broken down and lost myself yet. I wondered if I was so heartless as to not have loved you enough to feel the pain and suffering a sister should feel from losing her older brother so suddenly and unexpectedly. Tonight I grieve and I ache and I can’t stop crying. I’m alone. I turned to writing to you, because I can't call you. And this is the only way I know that helps my process.

In hindsight (I do my best thinking in hindsight)…I realized that Robin, you would be the person. I would have called you tonight. You were the first person I called the night I made the decision to give Harley up for adoption. You were the only one that understood that kind of heartache. You comforted me more than you know. Seriously, who knows me better than you? With the least amount of words spoken, we understood each other. No one in the family listened to me better than you did. No one in the family can relate to some of the family drama I went through. No one in the family, opened up to me like you did. And here I am, grieving and you are the one person who could understand me, and I can't call you. You would be the one who would ask me “How’re you holdin’ up Nance?” I can hear your voice asking me this. I can’t pick up the phone to hear you tell me “everything will be fine.” “You know how mom and dad are, just give them time” These are your words. I didn’t appreciate you here in life, alive, next to me, a phone call away…I MISS YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS! Tonight, it hurts the most...!

I think of you every day. I can easily talk about you and reminisce about you. I love talking about you. I love talking about you with your friends Anthony and German. I have a picture of you in my office, car, wallet, fridge, and bedroom. I think of you when deciding on adventurous ideas. My tattoo is so inspirational to me. I try to take in and absorb a little of you in me. I have no idea why this is hitting me so hard tonight…but I’m kind of relieved that I am finally breaking down. I guess it was only a matter of time and I can only assume this won’t be the last time either.

Robin, you have always been there for me, even when I didn’t see it. And I see it now. You always were and still are here for me. Your 11:11 signs are still appearing frequently…I saw one yesterday after mom and I went to visit you at the cemetery. So thank you for giving me your signs to remind me that you are still here for me and with me. I love you bro! Help me get through the night…so I can smile again thinking of you!

Oh by the way, are you getting our balloons in heaven? Mathew sends messages with them and Mom seems to really treasure this new idea, this tradition for you. I love it too! I want you to know that you will always be here with me, remembered, honored, and cherished for as long as I shall live. I promise you! Rest peacefully my dear brother, till we meet again...

you're #1 sister,
nancy

Inside My Head

My little brother, Philippe, turned 27 this weekend. He had plans months ago to go on a 3-day cruise to the Bahamas with all his closest friends. But after our brother Robin passed away, he debated whether to go or not. I told him he should go and just take it in at his own pace. Robin would never hold any of us back from a moment like this and he would want us to live life. I know that if I were the one up above, I would wish my family to continue living fully and happily! Philippe went on the cruise for his birthday.

Less than a week before the cruise, sitting at my parents house, some of us saw a commercial for an airfare to the Bahamas for $19. My cousin, Mu (Muriel) and I contemplated the idea to go and surprise Philippe! I was very skeptical at first. And even after booking the trip, I was still unsure of my heart's desire to go. I can now appreciate fully my brothers initial apprehension. So I did what any sane person would do, I spoke to my dead brother, Robin. And I remembered the words I shared with Philippe. And eventually, excitement was building and doubts were being overturned.

So Mu and I flew into the Bahamas Saturday morning and set off to make our surprise. We spotted my brother sitting casually at Senor Frogs, hanging out with his friends. When finally, the bartender hands him a tequila shot and says it's from that girl over there (pointing to me). Looking over to the "girl", my brother's face when recognition sunk in, was priceless! The weekend was fun, fun, fun. A total mental escape.

Back to reality. Back inside my head. Since I've returned, I am working through some sad emotions and feelings of guilt. I'm crying in my brief moments of alone time...in the car, at my desk, in my bed. I can't tell you why I even begin to cry. I just do. I am diving even deeper inside my head. It's in solitude when I reflect most (maybe some might say I reflect too much, but it's me and I embrace it). Losing my big brother Robin will be a lifelong process. I accept that this is all just part of it. Everyday, I concentrate on remembering my brother's voice and laughter. I don't want to lose that memory ever. Inside my head, today is a day full of emotions and pensive thoughts.

Before I go, I want to post a passage my friend shared with me this morning. It released a stream of tears and even a smile. It's from one of my favorite books. And I am so glad he shared this with me in this context...thank you Andrew:

"When you look up at the sky at night, since I shall be living on one of them, for you it will be as if all the stars were laughing. You and only you will have stars that can laugh. And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be happy to have known me. You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me. And from time to time you will open your window, just for the pleasure of it....and your friends will be astonished to see you laughing whilst gazing at the sky."

-The Fox (from "The Little Prince" by Antoine De Saint Exupery)

Balloons for Robin

Today, I went to visit my brother Robin.

In my hand was a red balloon. I didn't choose red because of the song or the movie...I chose red for two other reasons: if I were to associate Robin with a color, it would be red, plus, I wanted to see the balloon as long as I could before it faded into heaven.

While sitting there by my brother's side, I told him my wishes, my wants, my regrets, and all the would haves and could haves. And that with this balloon, I was letting them all go, or at least I would try. And while I was crying with my head down in my lap, balloon in hand, I felt Robin telling me "don't cry." It wasn't like I heard his voice in my head or his image appeared. It wasn't even like he was specifically telling me this. It was just a feeling that came over me...don't cry. So, I stopped crying and started smiling. So, it was time to let go. I stood up and released the balloon. I stayed there with Robin until the balloon was engulfed by the clouds and I could not see it anymore (which took a surprisingly long time). It left me with a smile on my face (and a sore neck).

Last night, I spoke to Mathew about giving balloons to Robin in heaven. He loved the idea. I think it's helping him understand the concept of heaven and Robin not being with us anymore. I also believe this will be a great way for my 3 year old son to "communicate" to his uncle Robin and keep him alive in our hearts forever, and for me as well. I will make this our tradition...for every birthday (his and ours), for every party, holiday, visit to the cemetery, or even to let him know we are thinking of him just because, we will release a balloon into heaven for Robin.

Robin, I love you!
Here's your first balloon!

Not 31 yet

Why does my blog page say I'm 31? I'm not 31 yet...I have four more days to go!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
When I blow out my birthday candles or a loose eyelash, toss a penny in a well, see that clock at 10:10 (yes, I wish at 10:10, not 11:11), I always wish for peace on earth, and health and happiness to my loved ones!

Two

HAPPY 2nd BIRTHDAY MATHEW!!

You are my sunshine!

I love you!

Mom

Before I go, let me leave you with this question:
What do you wish for when you blow out your birthday candles?

Madrid, Spain

I don't know where to begin or how to say it all, especially in a pretty format, or some poetic stanza. It's pretty much all just a jumbo puzzle in my head. Can you say confetti!? So here are my scatterbrain thoughts in writing (in no particular order, with no poetic grace) but the people asked for it, so here it is:

Most used word to describe trip: Amazing!

Madrid is so old and beautiful (bet you never thought those two adjectives can be used in the same sentence)

Barajas International Airport…very cool looking, frosty glass walkways, wide open spaces, clean, simple, yes, I know I'm odd like that!

The Metro was clean and used by us very much, except when we needed it most; after 1:30am (when it closes down).

The whole city was clean and very green, environmentally green.

I found the eclectic mixture of architecture throughout Madrid highly appealing.

Favorite painting: La Guernica by Picasso.

Favorite museum - Reina Sofia Museum
This museum housed the most emotional driven painting I've ever seen – La Geurnica. I don't know how long I was there for, standing alone and later with G. I started crying at one point. I felt the sorrow and agony of the grieving mother with her dead child in her arms. I hope to never feel that agony for even a tiny moment in my life time. I cried thinking of the innocent, defenseless lives lost in a senseless, barbaric war. Naturally, my thoughts led to the current war in Iraq (70 years later). The same innocence lost, the same barbaric war. Children left without mothers or fathers, parents left without daughters or sons. And for what? A painting darkened in the shadow of death, devastation, and desperation, still found powerful, hidden symbols and images of hope and light. It's hard to think that one painting alone can evoke so many thoughts, emotions, ideas, and meanings. If ever there were a painting, this one is it!

I was an unruly museum visitor – I was told to 1) keep my voice down 2) don't touch the glass 3) stay away from the roped off areas 4) standing too close to La Guernica and 5) remove your book from the pillar that's holding a statue (G- that last one was your fault).

El Escorial: awe-inspiring monastery and palace, el Greco paintings, striking inlay wood doors, with a roman influence basilica. The basilica was thought provoking and truly amazing. Hard to look at a basilica now without comparing it to Rome's St. Peter's Basilica…but it reminded me of it. Also, a good day of bonding time with Ali!

Toledo: a quaint town with heavy Arabian architectural influence. Found a stray cat too! Lots of stairs, uphill and more uphill on cobblestone roads! Common phrase of that day: "when in doubt, go down." Walked for miles and miles and miles and miles! I met some very hot fireman in Toledo (incomparably hot to the US fireman), worth all the extra walking.

Freaked out Ali Moment – kissed her on the lips! Muah!

Plaza Mayor – reminded me of Piazza San Marco in Venice, with all the cute terrace bars and restaurants.

Funny, embarrassing, and disgraceful moments – molesting statues

Laughed so hard, peed in my pants moment – in Segovia when taking a picture of Carrie in a small hole…LMAO! You just had to be there!

Madrid Favorite: the food
Pimientos de piquillo (stuffed with meat) or seafood too!
Chorizo, queoso, croquettas…oh the list goes on!!!
Tortillas – homemade by Ali – awesome!
Chocolate con churros – yummy!
Cervez con limon
Oh and I ate ham during the observance of Yom Kippur! Ha!

Favorite park: Parque del Buen Retiro – trees, trees, trees, I love trees! Miles and miles of green, a crystal palace, one smelly, large lake, and the only public monument sculpted after the fallen angel, Lucifer.

Worst attribute: SMOKE! *cough*

A couple days into the trip I started feeling sicky-poo, which I contribute to the smoky atmosphere!

Painful Memory – walking into one end of a metal kitchen towel holder bar! That left a mark!

Puerta del Sol (need I say more)

La Noche en Blanco: a part of the Europe-wide White Night series of cultural city festivals - enjoyed William Kentridge's animated artwork. Finding a cab that night was misery!

The roman aqueduct of Segovia - built in stone without mortar - a brilliant masterpiece of Roman engineering still intact.

Best compliment I ever received was told to me in the room of tapestries in El Escorial by one of my greatest friends, Ali-baba!!! I'm not quoting perfectly here, but the gist coming from a friend who wasn't sure she wanted kids of her own "you're the reason I want to become a mom. I see you and Mathew together and what a great job you are doing and how it comes so naturally to you. I want to be a mom just like you!" Damn that was the best ever!!

El Rastro – flea market hell

Palacio Real was so palatial! Lol

Perfect hair weather (minus the drizzly day in Segovia)

My faith in "good" men existing has been restored. Unfortunately, the population of Drama Kings are accumulating faster.

Heartbreaking moments – making phone calls to Mathew…oh how I missed him so much. Next time, he's coming with!

Common phrases used during this trip: "Vale!" "No, no, no, mama, no!" "Seriously, is that necessary!?" "Not so much" "Hola" "Claro que si" "Y tui"

Don't ask what that last one is, I made it up! During this trip, I was mixing all the languages up, between English, French, Italian, and Spanish, I started having my own language!

What I didn't get to do: the city of Salamanca, El Prado Museum, and Templo de Debod (sadness). I guess I'll have to go back!

I hope these tidbits of useless knowledge about my trip helped paint an image of my moments in Madrid, Spain. If you want to know more, call me. If you have any questions, let me know. I for surely have left a lot out…intentionally and otherwise!

All these scraps of thoughts have pictures to accompany. Coming soon!

Before I go, let me leave you with this:
Can you believe it…Mathew will be turning two next week? What am I doing for his birthday you ask? Why, I'm taking him to Disney World (either Magic Kingdom or Sea World, still undecided). We'll be going in November, during slow month, cooler weather, and time enough to recuperate financially.

Happy 1st Birthday!

Happy 1st Birthday Mathew!

I love you! And I'm so proud of you!

Mom

Groundhog Day

Someone asked me today, "What have you been up to?" Nothing new. It's the same thing everyday. I thought of Groundhog Day, the movie. I live the same day over and over; it's up at 6am, take a walk, get ready for school/work, spend the day at school/work, pick Mathew up at 5, get home by 6pm, feed Mathew dinner, play, bath, and then finally bed time. Once he is in bed, I feed myself, watch a little TV, and then it is bed time for me. I enjoy the weekends because from 8-5am, I spend quality time with Mathew; parks, swimming, malls, restaurants, and friends. The morning and evening routines still stay the same. Believe me, I love my life and have no complaints. It's the little things that I am trying to remind you all to appreciate waking up to a silent sound, waking up whenever you want, making no plans, taking long showers, eating slow, just to name a few.

I look forward to February 3rd.

My soon to be ex-husband will be getting a place of his own and will hopefully be taking Mathew every other weekend and one night a week. So then when someone asks me "what have you been up to?" hopefully, I will have something more interesting to say about myself.

Before I go, here's something interesting:
Hawaii is calling me. There are signs everywhere. It's not about wanting anymore, it's a need now. I just need to go! This will be my 30th birthday treat to myself. It's time to spoil myself and indulge in a little Hawaii lifestyle. ~Aloha~