10 years Have Gone By

I had an extremely emotional day this Sunday. It all started when my son’s best friend called to tell him she just lost her older brother. I couldn't stop crying all day, even during my Deep Yin class. I was a freaking hot mess. I couldn’t shake the sense of sadness that gripped me tight. See, I lost my brother 10 years ago, almost to the day (August 11, 2009). I don't usually carry so much sadness. This hit me so hard, it was so unexpected and unassuming.

But what I really wanted to share is how my brother sends me angelic signs and this time is no different. I remember about a month after he passed away, I was asking him to show me some signs that he is still here with me. Literally, I was talking to him out loud and the song ‘Calling All Angels’ by Train came on while I was driving. I belted that song so loud with tears running down my face. Coincidence, I think not. As crazy it may seem, I started seeing 11:11 everywhere. It became such a regular occurrence that my family stopped thinking I was crazy and believed in it too. Yesterday, in my time of need, I saw 11:11 twice and it only comes around twice a day. Then, I woke up in the middle of the night and my alarm clock said 1:11am. I went to sleep with a smile on my face. My son saw a rainbow on his way home from school yesterday (rainbows are signs too) and today he had a butterfly flutter on his face. It’s not your imagination, sometimes coincidence comes with a lot of angelic effort. .
.
I am comforted to know that during my darkest times & celebratory times, I see his signs everywhere. Maybe my energy manifests these signs, or the Universe is conspiring to make them happen for me or maybe he’s just simply sending me signs. Either way, it doesn’t change the fact that I know he’s tranformed back into the Universe and is eternally connected with the Universe within me.

Robin,
Thank you for all your signs. I’m smiling now. You have reminded me of my attitude of gratitude and reconnected me with your soul. You know, I am living for both you and me. My adventures are always an extension of yours. Until we meet again big brother!
From my heart to your soul,
I love you and miss you so fucking much!

a day like no other

will it or not
it is here
here i am
on august 11th

thought it would pass me by
a day like any other
who am i fooling
it's impossible to escape

the mindfulness is too strong
subconscious thoughts creep in
fleeting memories fly by
and here we go again
burdened with my grief

i miss you today
like i missed you yesterday
i need you today
like i needed you all this time
i want you hear with me
like you never left

death changes nothing
yet everything at once
and time stands still
while it passes you by

it's supposed to get easier
or so they say
but on days like this
it never really is

i will face the day in such a way
not like any other
but like the day it is
the day i lost my brother
five years ago today

never will you be forgotten
on this day or ever
until the day i see you again

Robin, in case you ever foolishly forget; i am never not thinking of you.
from my heart to your soul...



"death leaves a heartache no one can heal; love leaves a memory no one can steal"  - unknown

"sorrow comes in great waves...but it rolls over us, and though it may almost smother us it leaves us on the spot and we know that if it is strong, we are stronger, inasmuch as it passes and we remain" - henry james

happy birthday jorge

to my brother in law, Jorge
a short and sweet birthday message to you:

i miss you and my heart aches for your absence
how can you miss someone you never met? 
everyday, pieces of you make way into my heart
you are so deeply loved and cherished, it is penetrating
i am so lucky to be a part of your family, to be your sister
very much like my brother, your aura is vibrant and lively
your presence is never absent from our home
you will always live on within us
within the five of us, the Gonzoulay family

happy birthday jorge!
today and everyday,
we shall live life exponentially for all of us!
we love you!

from my heart to your soul...
i know we shall meet someday
your sister,
Sol

equal human rights for all

...no, we are not all trayvon martin. i am not trayvon martin. i am a white, jewish-born mother living in cooper city, florida. i don't get pulled over by police for random searches. i don't get treated like a punk who will steal while shopping in a store. i am not a threat to anyone. and i don't think i will ever be followed in the streets at dark for being a suspicious character. but i don't have to be trayvon martin to empathize with him and his family. i don't have to be trayvon martin or have darker skin to know that racism killed him (and countless others). i don't know what it will take to change this country we live in, but i do know we need change. i fear the future for my children. we live in a world where this is acceptable and that is unacceptable to me. i am not nor will i ever be trayvon martin, but i stand up for him and all my fellow brothers and sisters on this earth. for i support equal human rights for all.

not guilty

not guilty, but not innocent
we have guilty people walking free
innocent people walking in heaven too soon

today,
i could be the mother watching the murderer of my son walk free
a child who did nothing wrong that day
it was not the wrong time and wrong place for him
yet one man's wrong actions towards him
and today that man has been given freedom
even if he stole a child's freedom (for no reason)

today,
justice does not seem to be fair
where is the common sense
i am sick to my stomach

today, 

the world doesn't make sense

i am heartbroken

the tears keep rolling

today,
i think of my boys
my innocent boys
i fear this world will swallow them up

today, is a sad day for everyone's freedom.
this is not the greatest country in the world
freedom, liberty, and justice - not for all

i am discouraged
i am losing hope
i can't stop crying
help me understand


**********
let me end with a quote from miami gardens mayor oliver gilbert: "Let us honor Trayvon by working together to build a world that never allows life to be lost to ignorance, indifference, or idiocy."

may there be peace on earth for all sooner rather than later
RIP Trayvon Martin