to beautiful destinations

to whomever this may concern,
it could be the devil trying to recruit me
or it could be the universe testing me
whoever or whatever it is - this letter is for you

why must you bring so much negative energy into my world?
are you testing my strength and resolve?
are you recruiting me over to the dark side?
i thought we've been through this already... multiple times, in fact.

in case you were still wondering, i am strong enough and will always rise above.
if you haven't realized yet, in the darkness, that's when i see the stars that i love so much
so is it really necessary to keep raining down on my parade?

i will live life in peace, harmony and health with my loved ones... you should move on to someone else who needs reminders that life is beautiful even in the darkness. and if you continue to drain me with this negative energy, i will have to resort to throwing it back in your face in the form of a positive vibe. you've been warned.

i'm off to my beautiful destination now.

i am a being of light and love
bring it on
~sol

My Letter to Mathew

Dear Mathew,

This message is for you to read anytime, all the time, and forever!

don't ever be sad while I'm away or not near, because I'm always with you in your heart
every time the sun rises to meet the day, think of me greeting you with a morning kiss
every time the moon shines good night, think of me holding you warm and tight
for every laugh you have, i'm laughing right with you (even if I don't get it)
for all your proud moments I might miss, remember I'm always proud of you near or far

and throughout the day for the rest of your life, remember i'll always be on your little shoulder or in your little pocket to tell you these beautiful things:

be strong. be brave. have fun. smile. laugh often. live life grande. dance like no one is watching. sing in the shower. do handstands. be kind. be thankful. be mindful. be soulful. do everything with love. stay positive. follow your dreams. dream big. be silly. be a kid. get dirty. go outside. breathe in. breathe out. find your inner peace. don't worry. be happy. keep it simple. strengthen your mental toughness daily. keep your integrity. be responsible. focus. be safe. have adventures. work hard. play harder. look up. admire earth. enjoy the little things. life is all about the little things. do your best. respect others. say please and thank you. use sir and ma'am. give compliments. spread love. be compassionate. rise above. stand tall. be proud. be a good friend/brother. take naps. close your eyes and listen to the world. use your imagination. think of six impossible things everyday. daydream. see the beauty in this world. relax and enjoy. fear is fake. wake up with a smile. choose happiness. choose love. focus on the good. let it go. reach for the stars. listen carefully. admit mistakes. learn. read. grow. stay calm. believe. everything changes. life is not fair, but that's okay. your attitude is everything. live life. love life. every second of it.
life is beautiful and so are you!

you are stronger than you know, braver than you believe, smarter than you think, more capable than you ever dreamed, and you are loved more than you can possibly imagine. and that's a lot cause I know you have a huge imagination.

i already miss you. 

and in case you foolishly forget, i am never not thinking of you and loving you!

this is from your one and only, #1, favorite, bestest MOM in the whole wide world!
and this is for her most favorite person of all time in the history of ever, MATHEW!

you are my light, my life, my love...

❤ MOM ❤

confession of a mother

on mother's day 2014, i'd like to make a confession. here it goes.
i hate mother's day.
there i said it.

yes, i'm a mother of an 8 year old boy and a step mother to 7 and 10 year old boys.

i don't want only this day to tell me i'm the best mom.
i don't want flowers or gifts because the calendar tells you to buy it for me.
i don't need the pressure of having to do the same for all the mother's i know.
i can't go to my favorite restaurant anyway, it's a two hour wait.
i have to spend my day celebrating motherhood, without my two step sons.
i have to share this day with my mother and mother-in-law (no offense moms).

so why is this day so special? it just isn't. and it shouldn't be.

maybe i'm just lucky to have a family that shares their love and appreciation regularly.
maybe i'm just throwing a pity party for a day that i know will not be my own.
maybe it's the disappointments from the years long ago.
maybe it just pisses me off how it's another business holiday, not filled with true sentiments.

either way, i would prefer if this holiday just didn't exist.

i want everyday to feel like i'm a great mom,
because i'm a mom everyday for the rest of my life.
i want to feel like a great mom even on days i suck at it. those are the days i need it most.
i want drawings and flowers on random days. this is so much more specialer.
i want hugs everyday. period.
LUCKY ME, i do.
i am the luckiest mom in the world.


so to all the mother's out there:
happy mother's day, everyday but this one!
you are more special than just on today.

i have a dream: it's a quiet revolution

i am a dreamer. an utterly, hopeless dreamer. the kind that literally imagines all the people sharing all the world and the world living as one. yup, that kind of dreamer. i know, i must be naive or stupid. yet, i'm still hopeful for a day like that. although, lately the more informed i become about this world and this country specifically, the dimmer my hope gets. i get so frustrated, i cry, i rant on and on, and i drive my fiancee crazy with my ideas and opinions and dreams. i find myself asking almost everyday, what can i do, how can i make a difference, can i make a change in this world in the right direction. i am trying to be the change i want to see in this world, little by little. but it is so damn hard. this system we live in is so corrupt and money driven, it is just pure exploitation.

so what do we do
bring down the unjust system.
how do we do it?
we have a quiet revolution!

all over the media (if you look hard enough), there are uprisings, riots, protests and violence all over the world. in turkey, brazil, syria, parts of europe and now egypt. i'm not talking about this though.

i'm talking about a peaceful, spiritual, quiet revolution.
what the hell is that you ask?
for one thing, it's better for your soul.
but it starts with the need to rid this society of big corporations and big pharmaceutical companies. for the sake of this blog, let's call them the "evil empire." their interests do not lie with serving us or with healing us, they are only interested in greed and power. the evil empire make us sick and help keep us sick. they are taking away our earth's resources and then selling it to us as if its something we don't have rights to. they control our food, our medicine, our government, our laws, our way of life. they created a life of dependency. we live in this perpetual cycle, a fucking hamster wheel. this society is not normal, this society is corrupt and broken. as a nation we are circling the drain. so we all agree, we need to bring down the evil empire. good.
now let's talk about why they are in power. we buy the products they manufacture. we buy and support the agriculture that kills our earth and our bodies. we are the ones consuming things we don't need. we rely to heavily on their greed. we rely on their created conveniences. we rely on quick and easy. and as a result, we are succumbed to unhealthy and unsafe products and laws that only serve certain interests against us. the rich get richer, the poor get poorer and the middle are stuck in the middle.

to me, the irony behind all this is that in actuality, we are the one's in control. we feed the evil empire. we keep running in our fucking hamster wheel. it's time to stop running and start living. this is where the quiet revolution comes in to play. it's in our way of life. so i say, we take back what is rightfully ours. we take back the power that is in our own hands. without violence, without war. without even protesting. we change our way of life.

this quiet revolution i'm referring to has been talked about and discussed in other articles and online media outlets. it's already being practiced in some parts of the world. it's changing the system from within yourself. we need to find a more humanitarian way of life. we start by questioning everything we learned. we doubt the authenticity of where we learned it. allow ourselves to accept new ideas, new ways of life (or the old ways of life). we have the power to stop feeding the evil empire and to start feeding ourselves. we need to stop lining their pockets with our hard earned money. it is about becoming more self-sufficient, self-reliant. we need to live a more sustainable life. we stop buying their products. we buy organic and local. we make home-made products. we use earth's resources for our needs. we help thy neighbors. if the evil empire stops being profitable, they will stop having "control" over the government and us. we have the power.

ultimately, the foundation of this quiet revolution can only be built on human compassion. it is imperative for the survival of this fight, to find the compassion in our hearts we were all born with. compassion is the key to this revolution. we need to be more neighborly. 

this blog started with a dream. i envision one day living in a community, where i know all my neighbors. we all have gardens and barter each others crops. each house has different vegetables and fruits and we all share the land and the food. we help each other with gardening tips and care for each others gardens while away. our neighbors and i would also share and barter our many different skill sets; mechanics, handy man, doctors, seamstress, lawyers and so forth. we would all use each others services to help one another, no money exchanges, just a simple bartering system. our compassion for each other, our neighborly love will make us thrive! and best of all, we would limit the money we put in the hands of the evil empire. a simple dream for a dreamer like me.

can you see what i see? am i crazy dreamer to believe this quiet revolution will save us from the evil empire and save this earth we live on. i know our souls will thank us and mother nature will embrace us. 

do you feel the power in your hands? do you want to bring down the evil empire? then join me in this quiet revolution. become informed, spread the message. let's all help one another. let's make this dream come true. i am inspired today as we mark the 50th anniversary of MLK's speech to make my dream come true. if he can inspire the masses to make such a remarkable difference in this world, we all can do the same. let's be the change we wish to see in the world. let's start now.

my dream starts with a garden. i hope to shine the light brighter on me, my children, and the future of this world.

i have a dream. it's a dream of a quiet revolution. i have a dream of a world where we all live as one.



side note: while writing this, i had a song in my head and it fits perfectly, actually i was changing the words of the song with the words in this blog. lol. it was fun.

Revolution, by the Beatles

You say you want a revolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world

You tell me that it's evolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world

Don't you know it's gonna be all right?

All right, all right

life is beautiful

life is beautiful.

I believe in it's ugliest hour, beauty still exists.

for every act of terror,
there are more deeds of kindness

for every act of war,
there are more feats of compassion

through all the chaos and madness,

humanity still prevails

through the destruction and wreckage,

nature still shines on

through the dark clouds and bloody trails,

compassion and kindness exists in plenty

and through it all, you name it,

love supersedes evil

to me, the most beautiful thing in life is love

love overpowers hate. love empowers us. love sees us through.

love is amazing. love sets us free.

so when you find yourself question life, existence, evil and/or this crazy fucked up world we live in... remember life is beautiful. life is beautiful in all the simple things around us and hidden in all the ugly things we endure. cause through it all, and in the end, sunsets still rise, birds still chirp, flowers keep on blooming, trees are growing, ocean waves keep rolling on...people rise together, love blooms every day, lives flourish and thrive, and humanity keeps rolling on. so stop, take note of it. revel in it every chance you get. life is beautiful in every corner of this earth.

with love, we are invincible. 

all we need is love. love is all we need.

and never forget:

life is beautiful.

Well, hello there...

so, yeah i've been a stranger in the blogosphere for almost two years. i suck. and i hope my two blog fans don't hate me. are you both still there? i'm not proud of my disappearance. all i have are lame excuses, like no time, children, and work. but whatever...excuses are for lame-o's.

i had lunch with a very dear friend and soul sister, camile! she brought back to my attention my blogs; how she loved my blogs and how i inspired her to blog herself. plugging her blog here. while sitting there and attempting to explain to her out loud "my excuses" for not blogging, it made me just cringe. it was pathetic really. i mean how am i supposed to get a writing career if i don't write. how can i complain about my job, the one that is a means to an end, if i'm not even trying to do what i love?! so here i am...trying to get back into it, not for the career goal (although, that would be totally awesome), but to take all the things that spin in my head and lay them all out for my (2 fan based) blog world to read, laugh, and be inspired. i might back track to some older ideas in my head; about parenting, living life to the fullest, and mostly just spewing all the crap in my head. so here goes it...

so for today, i'll just fill you in on a few things that have happened while i've been away:

• september 2011 
• went to california for the first time. i hugged thousand year old trees, slept in a tent, drank lots of wine, and met my boyfriends family
• november 2, 2011
• my first niece was born. lilianne robin azoulay. she is the daughter i'll never have.
• june 2012 
• went to vegas for the first time. we stayed in the paris hotel, won $85 in caesar's palace, molested statues, went to the grand canyon, walked the skywalk and the hoover dam bridge
• june 23, 2012 
• shot a fully automatic m-16 rifle in celebration of robin's birthday. enough said.
• august 7, 2012 
• i got a new tattoo. a big hamsa on my left side ribs. hurt like a motherfucker
• october 2012 
• i voted early. i voted obama. 
• december 1, 2012
• moved into a new place with my boyfriend and his 2 wonderful boys
• december 2012 
• i had a breast cancer scare. i have breast calcifications (that were biopsied) and four nodules that need to be monitored for the next two years. fuck cancer
• january, 2013 
• went horseback riding for the first time. sore ass.
• january 28, 2013
• purchased an ibanez artwood guitar. youtube lessons. finger tip callouses. another checkmark on my bucket list.
• february 10, 2013 
• my boyfriend propsed to me. i am now engaged to my soul mate. 

...and today, i am still planning a wedding, raising three amazing boys, managing my time poorly, dealing with chronic neck problems, frustrated with people, inconsistently working out, devouring chocolate daily (no seriously, every day!), falling asleep early, cursing like a fucking trucker, misplacing my patience, and most importantly loving on the four men in my life.

i'd like to close with a quote from my son:
"i moustache you a question. but i'll shave it for later"

    i'm a tree-hugger!

the opposite of bully

I could not find a true antonym for the word 'bully'. Could the opposite of a bully simply be a person that does NOT badger, tease, belittle, harass, or intimidate smaller or weaker people? I think not. To me the opposite of bully is kind.

Acts of bullying inspire suicide.
Acts of kindness inspire more kindness.

I'd like to share a story that I just learned about on the last day of my son's kindergarten year. It's a pretty amazing story and I will no doubt be doting on my son (so consider the source, an unbelievably proud mother).

I visited my son's school this morning for his last day of school. The classroom teacher presented a beautiful video of the school year and the kids shared poems and art work from their school year. At the end of this event, a mother approached me and asked me if I was Mathew's mother. After I told her yes, she then tells me how sweet and kind he was. That she never met a little boy that was as sweet as he. It is truly such an honor to hear that coming from another mother. After my gracious thank you's, she proceeded to tell me something much more incredible:

"Your son helped my daughter survive kindergarten!"

What?! How?! Really?!

She explains to me that her daughter cried almost every day for the first half of the school year. She had a difficult transition, since she was not in a full time school prior to kindergarten. My son (apparently) helped her every day, not just once. He told her things like "it's okay, don't cry." He told her "chicken" jokes and sang her silly made-up songs. I know this because the 6-year old girl told me herself. The mother was tearing up while telling me how my son was so good to her daughter. Of course, I start tearing up as my mind was blown away. As she is talking to me and we are getting to know our kids a little more, I witness the unique bond between the two of them. I see two little peas in a pod giggling and acting silly. It must have been my proudest moment thus far. She explained to me that in the course of the year she volunteered in the classroom and could tell that their bond was special, like cousins. The teacher told us that these two will be lifetime friends.

My son has single handedly changed the course of a little girls kindergarten experience for the better through simple acts of kindness. My son helped someone through a hard time. My son gave altruistically and compassionately with no motive, but kindness. My son created a true friendship at the young age of 6. Wether it lasts a lifetime or not, I think this little girl will always remember the little boy who helped her overcome a tough transition.

I remember my kindergarten experience where I came home crying often. Three little girls made fun of me because English wasn't my first language. I remember they were the opposite of kind. I can only now begin to imagine (thanks to my son) what my childhood experience would have been like if I had a little Mathew in my class by my side. This kid is amazing!

Remember, the antonym of bullying is kindness. Spread the love. Pay it forward.

"My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness."

Will you still love me?

The man I want to share the rest of my life with responded to one of my poems posted on this blog. It was from January 29, 2009, Will you still love me?

I will share his response (permission granted), but first here is mine again:

Will you still love me
if I fail to say the words you want to hear

Will you still love me
if I don't meet up to your fantasies

Will you still love me
if things don't turn out the way you wanted

Will you still find a way to love me
when you find yourself falling out of love with me

When you say you love me, will you still love me for the rest of your life?

~sol

And now here is my beloved's response:

I will still love you
if you fail to say the words I want to hear
for your truth pierces me and your honesty speaks to my heart

I will still love you
if you don't meet up to 'my' fantasies
for a dream that is shared is worth twice one imagined alone

I will still love you
if things don't turn out the way I wanted
for I know I am but a fallible man
I'd rather navigate this life together to get to where we've planned

I will still find a way to love you
if I find myself falling out of love with you
for what we've got has got good bones. a love planted so firmly in the heart is not so easily uprooted.

When I say I love you, I will still love you for the rest of my life.
Which I hope will end one day before you
so I know not what it's like to live without your love.

~ Uriel


Lucky are we that our souls united! I love this man, Mr. Uriel Gonzalez!

"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same"

"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies"

My Heart is Full

Another morning commute conversation with Mathew:

So, this intro part is just a snippet of what we talked about, so I can get to the awesome ending faster.

On our way to school this morning, after a dentist visit, I told him how proud I was of him. He didn't even flinch when they gave him the "sleeping medicine" (also known as, the dreadful novacain shot). I went on to tell him how much I loved him and how "I'm proud of you more than all the proud moms put together." Then I told him, that "I am one lucky mom to have you as my son!" He replies by saying, "I'm the luckiest boy for having the best mom in the world!"

So here's where my heart bounces with joy and is overflowing with so much love, that all I can tell him is "you've touched my heart! my heart is full of love!"

Here's the good part:

Then he says,

"My heart is full of kisses...and all the medium kisses are for you."

I was like,

"WHAT?! Who gets the big kisses?"

He explains quite cleverly,

"The big kisses come out in a big bubble filled with small kisses and they fly over to all the people I love, even in heaven!"

I understand completely (I mean, how can I argue with that?!). I say, "Oh, well of course! Okay, I'll take all the medium kisses I can get."

dude, this kid melts my heart and amazes me every day!

a proud mama i am is an understatement

my bubble

i do proclaim i'm in love

the third time is a charm

i've walked around hopeful

but planning for a single life

i've dreamed of love again

but found peace without it

i've believed in a happy ending

creating it all on my own

in my declaration of loving the single life,

i sheltered us in a protective bubble

floating in the clouds

happy and shielded

no one or nothing bringing us down

just the two of us

and after all these years

living in this bubble

someone found a passage inside

he didn't pop it

didn't ask me to leave it

he just softly soared inside with us

filling our bubble with hope, love, and new dreams

i found love again

one like never before

sharing a connection spoken without words

a bond founded deeper than can be concocted

souls united from the heavens

hearts tied together

in this bubble,

growing bigger and brighter

i learn to balance and harmonize

what was once made for 2

now becoming a party of 5

you can say, i've got some adjusting to do...

but please don't burst my bubble

~sol

i feel you

your pain

you writhe internally

absorbing your affliction alone

but it seeps through my bones

enduring the sharpness piercing me

i feel your pain

i feel you

your hurt

you agonize unanswered questions

sifting through the muck alone

but it strikes me to my core

bruising and battering me around

i feel your hurt

i feel you

your anger

you burn in fury privately

losing control and fighting with yourself

but it clenches my heart

pounding with frenzy

i feel your anger

i feel you

your grief

you ache in a constant state

a permanent void you fill with lonely gloom

but it amplifies my matching eternal hole

a space for the never-ending flow of tears

i feel your grief

i feel you

your joy

you radiate with delightful bliss

sharing your smiles and wonder

and it penetrates my heart

glowing and floating with you on cloud 9

i feel your joy

i feel you

your fortune

you say you hit the jackpot

appreciating and savoring your treasure

and it feels so perfect

you are perfect for me

i feel your fortune

i feel you

your life

you live life to the fullest

grateful and giving; caring and unselfish

and it complements my life completely

our souls are one in the same

i feel your life

i feel you

your love

you love with intensity and devotion

enchanted with a magical mystery

and it consumes me whole; spellbound

i love you with all my heart and soul

i feel your love

i feel you

i am your friend

and i feel you

i am your companion

and i feel you

i am your lover

and i feel you

i am you

i feel you

i love you

~sol

dare to live in absolute vulnerability

vulnerable
[vuhl-ner-uh-buhl]
–adjective
1. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon: a vulnerable part of the body.
2. open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.: an argument vulnerable to refutation; He is vulnerable to bribery.
3. (of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend: a vulnerable bridge.

I say, dare to live in absolute vulnerability.

By definition, the word 'vulnerable' gives off a pungent odor of weakness and frailty. Why in the hell would we want to open ourselves up for pain or hurt? What a tricky game you play, Mr. Vulnerability?! On one hand, you smell of fear; a world of potential hurt and pain. On the other hand, you smell of free-spirit; a world of risks, adventure and living life to the fullest. Mr. Vulnerability, why do you play so unfair?!

It seems that we learn at a very young age to protect our hearts from pain and hurt. We build a security system around our hearts after being made fun of for being different, after asking a question and being laughed at, after falling in love and getting our hearts broken. Our security walls build higher the stronger we let our insecurities grow. And over time, it's easy to lose ourselves in these walls, living in safety and without hurt. We become complacent in a squared-shaped world with boring beige colored walls.

"I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive." To live in absolute vulnerability is; to be exposed without any shields, to open your heart to let love in, to risk failure at the expense of greatness. To live in a world with no walls is to believe in yourself in spite of your differences or broken hearts. It is in a life of vulnerability, you will find strength and courage to dream, achieve, live happily, and to love all the way.

So I say, bring it on Mr. Vulnerability. I welcome you into my world. I welcome even the hurt you may bring into my world. I will take a chance for you to see me, the real me, all of me. 'Cause in the end, I want to live life to the fullest, in the now! And if I should fail, it will not be wasted, for I shall never lose myself again in those safely guarded beige walls.

"Only a person who risks is free"

I am free.

of such insignificant times

walking down the street

I smile at a complete stranger

and in that instant it occurs to me

i miss my brother's smile

and in that moment

memories flash me by

and a tear forms in my eye

my throat begins to tighten

and I carry on with my head held down low

my emotions run away

while my feet can barely move

feelings of guilt for living on

but smirking cause you'd want it no other way

wanting to call you

and wishing you were still here

missing our talks

missing your hugs

in the quickest of moments

of such insignificant times

I sometimes just breakdown and cry

I miss you so!

~sol

Mathew Lines Again

It just keeps getting better...

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways Mathew tells me:

• You make me happy
• I don't want you to have anymore birthdays. I don't want you to get old.
• I'll eat you up, I love you so (some of you may know where that one comes from)
• Je t'aime beaucoup
• I love you more
• I love you most
• I love you shinier than the shiniest jewel
• You're very sweet mama, like a lollipop. lollipops are the sweetest, but I won't eat you up.
• You are the best mom of all moms. why? cause you're my mom
• You are the queen of all moms
• I have the biggest heart for you in the whole wide world
• I got everything I needed for my birthday
• I'm your husband, right?!
• I love you all the way to heaven and back

Other quotes from Mathew:

• ‎Mathew came home from school with at least a dozen drawings. When I asked him why do you have so many drawings, he said "because I'm an artist!"
• ‎Mathew asked the nurse if he's getting a shot. She said "don't think about it." Then I asked mathew if he knows what that means...he said "I AM going to get one"
• "It's the circle of life mama" Mathew says to me after we talked and cried over Bear going to heaven.
• Me: "Why are you crying Mathew?" Mathew: "I don't want you to be alone for xmas."
• Do you know what I want for christmas from your house? I just want love!
• you're killing me smalls (quote from "The Sandlot" movie)
• can your tummy make another baby

This is my fourth blog post of Mathew Lines.
Here are the first three;

1. Mathew Lines

2. Mathew Lines - Part Deux

3. Mathew Lines - Part tres

May I be blessed to have a lifetime supply of Mathew Lines!

i hate you

I want to scream.

I want to curse.

I want to punch you in the face.

I hate you more than I hated you yesterday.

and every day, I hate you even more.

this negative energy you bring into my life has to come to an end today.

and for as long as you're in my life,

you will not penetrate this wall of love that surrounds me.

my life is too awesome!

so FUCK YOU and have a nice day!

the crap line of my life ends now gosh darn it

So as I promised last June in my blog called Mental Toughness, here is the crap line of my life.

Without being dramatic or seeking pity, here's the crap line of my life. Let's start with the BEST day of my life....

Oct. 4, 2005 -> best day of my life - Mathew is born
Jan, 2006 -> my husband of 6 years says he's not happy. Why? he says, "I don't know."
Jun, 2006 -> my husband leaves us and wants a divorce
Oct. 2006 -> the husband who walked out on his family finally has his son sleepover for the first time
Nov. 2006 -> I travel to Hawaii for some needed healing (without Mathew)
Nov. 2006 -> Grand epiphany - "I'm grateful that he left me"
Dec. 2006 -> I discover that the husband has a live-in girlfriend and he finally filed the divorce paperwork (interesting timing)
Feb. 2007 -> my dog, Harley, bites another dog, leading to that dog's death
Mar 2007 -> lost the animal court case, fined for animal biting
June 2007 -> the divorce is finalized, my name is back
Aug 2007 -> the ex-husband tells me his girlfriend is 5 months pregnant
Sept. 2007 -> I vacation to Spain (without Mathew)
Oct. 2007 -> I met a guy, and started falling in love
Nov 2007 -> the ex-husband marries his now 8 month pregnant girlfriend in the courthouse
Dec. 2007 -> my boyfriend moves in with us (i know, i know...it was quick)
Jun. 2008 -> got my first tattoo
Sep. 2008 -> my little brother, Philippe gets married
Sep. 2008 -> my boyfriend leaves us and doesn't look back
Sep. 2008 -> we find out my mother has cancer in her kidney
Nov. 4, 2008 -> my mom is cancer-free!
Jan. 2009 -> tried e-harmony. fail.
Feb. 2009 -> the ex-husband tells me he just bought a 5 bedroom house with a pool and asks to lower child support in the same conversation. Few days later, he asks me to stop communicating with his family
Feb. 2009 -> I have a new boss
Apr 2009 -> I make the hardest decision in my life. Harley is given up for adoption.
Aug 11, 2009 -> worst day of my life - my big brother, Robin passes away
Sept 2009 -> get my second tattoo in memory of my brother Robin
Nov 2009 -> the ex-husband tells me his wife is 8 months pregnant (only cause Mathew figured it out and told me)
Jan 2010 -> tried online dating again. fail.
Feb 2010 -> stopped paying my mortgage - I owe double the value of what my house is worth and want out of this past life.
Mar 2010 -> take Mathew to Canada to see snow
May 2010 -> get served, foreclosure lawsuit on my house (I have a short-sale contract pending)
May 2010 -> take week long vacation to Disney (mostly for me)
June 21, 2010 -> went sky diving for my brothers would be 40th birthday
August 2010 -> buyer for my short sale house withdraws contract
August 11, 2010 -> one year anniversary of my brother's death

Sept. 2010 -> work woes begin
Oct. 2010 -> Bear, our family dog passes away
Nov. 2010 -> Second buyer of my short sale declined meeting the Banks financial numbers.
Dec. 29, 2010 -> Third Buyer of my short sale house withdraws contract

Dec. 30, 2010 -> Visit the happiest place on Earth with Mathew (magic kingdom)

and now...
2011 -> the beginning of a new life line! =)

are you big enough?

I dated.

I loved.

I married.

I mothered.

I divorced.

I dated.

I loved again.

I don't date.

I am a single mom.

In my life lessons, I grew stronger and more independent.

With every passing moment, I wonder if I could let love in again.

I've built a life around me that only needs my two grounded feet.

I know that I (and myself alone) can conquer anything life throws at me.

I've developed a preference to go it alone.

Even as a mother, I am so proud of my son that I don't want to share that parenting responsibility. I'm selfish.

My weakness is my strength.

My downfall is my resolve.

I know I want a life partner, who is my my best friend and my lover.

I don't know that I know how to let love in again.

I just know that I need someone bigger than me.

Are you big enough to be my man?

Mathew Lines - Part tres

My blog is like a digitally stored memory bank. I don't have the memory capacity to store it all inside my head. So I use my blog to store important memories that can easily be referred to. One of the things I like to store on here are the memories with my son, whether it's a story, an incident, or just his witty one-liners. I wrote a blog last year of some of my favorite Mathew lines called Mathew Lines (so creative, I know) and then out came some more favorite Mathew lines and wrote another blog and named it Mathew Lines - Part Deux (I threw in my french) and well here's the third version now, part tres. I see a trend here, don't you?

Don't forget to think of me in your head today.

I was thinking of Robin sitting next to me.

I'm going to take care of you.

You're the best thing that ever happened to me.

You are my girlfriend.

You will be my wife and wear a white dress and a white veil.

Be a good little mama monkey

I love your straight hair mama.

I love you to the _______(fill in the blank with; stars, moon, sun, sky, etc) and back!!

I love you to infinity and beyond.

I dreamed of you last night.

I'm going to miss you. (when dropping him off at school).

I love you all the time.

Are you proud of me mama?

Did you see that mama?

Can you play Wii with me mama?

I want another hug.

You're the only person I love.

You are awesome mama!

He's also still calling me chica and mamasita!

Oh, how I love my little mama's boy! I am so blessed!!!

(So some of these might be repeats, and if they are it's cause he's still using it or cause it's still stored in my memory bank inside my head.)

To the only love of my life that will ever be, Mathew ❤

I love you more than you will ever know....

xoxo

Mama Sol

My Parents

As time goes by, I see my parents slowly moving forward...
little by little, step by step.
I see them struggle and yet balance each other in their new lifelong process.
Their suffering is unimaginable, incomprehensible.
I find no words to describe or understand their loss.
My heart breaks for them over and over again.
They will never be the same again.
My parents, forever brokenhearted.
And...that's okay.

They smile with weeping, hollow eyes.
They laugh with a drowning sound.
They speak with a melancholy tone.
They hug with heavy arms.
They live and breathe with a broken heart.
And...that's okay.

Their pain will subside but never fade.
Their heart will feel joy but never be whole.
Their lives will go on but never fully.
And...that's okay.

I will forever celebrate the memory of my brother Robin.
I will forever ache for my parents unfathomable heartache.
And...that's okay.


Mom, Dad
I love you.
I will always be here for you.
I will hold your hand and journey with you through this process.
I will cry with you and I will listen to you.
I will melt away the numbness in your soul.
I will soften the edges around your jagged hole.
I will light the way out of the darkness in your heart.
This journey will never end and your heart will never be whole again.
And…that’s okay.
Robin will forever be missed and never forgotten.
And I hope you find comfort in knowing you are not alone.

Mom, Dad,
I love you!

Love Always, Love Anyway

Just when you think enough time has gone by, a tiny little voice in the backseat kindly ushers you right back into the past.

Just when you think you're over it, your three year old innocently asks one question after another and you question yourself if you're over it.

Just when you think the bitterness is gone, your little guy chirps about his flight of happy memories and without wanting it, your bitterness comes back full swing.

And even though his memories trigger a sense of anger and resentment, in the end it makes me truly happy! I'm happy to see him revel in great memories. I'm happy to see him question inexplicable things. And It makes me so very happy to know my son can love (not only his mother) unconditionally.

If I I can teach him one thing in his life...I want it to be LOVE! The 'enduring, faithful, limitless, don't want to live without you kinda' LOVE. And if/when it falls apart, that he can still find the courage to LOVE again. I think I'm on the right track!

Before I go, let me leave you with these words attributed to Mother Theresa:

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis,
it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.