10 years Have Gone By

I had an extremely emotional day this Sunday. It all started when my son’s best friend called to tell him she just lost her older brother. I couldn't stop crying all day, even during my Deep Yin class. I was a freaking hot mess. I couldn’t shake the sense of sadness that gripped me tight. See, I lost my brother 10 years ago, almost to the day (August 11, 2009). I don't usually carry so much sadness. This hit me so hard, it was so unexpected and unassuming.

But what I really wanted to share is how my brother sends me angelic signs and this time is no different. I remember about a month after he passed away, I was asking him to show me some signs that he is still here with me. Literally, I was talking to him out loud and the song ‘Calling All Angels’ by Train came on while I was driving. I belted that song so loud with tears running down my face. Coincidence, I think not. As crazy it may seem, I started seeing 11:11 everywhere. It became such a regular occurrence that my family stopped thinking I was crazy and believed in it too. Yesterday, in my time of need, I saw 11:11 twice and it only comes around twice a day. Then, I woke up in the middle of the night and my alarm clock said 1:11am. I went to sleep with a smile on my face. My son saw a rainbow on his way home from school yesterday (rainbows are signs too) and today he had a butterfly flutter on his face. It’s not your imagination, sometimes coincidence comes with a lot of angelic effort. .
.
I am comforted to know that during my darkest times & celebratory times, I see his signs everywhere. Maybe my energy manifests these signs, or the Universe is conspiring to make them happen for me or maybe he’s just simply sending me signs. Either way, it doesn’t change the fact that I know he’s tranformed back into the Universe and is eternally connected with the Universe within me.

Robin,
Thank you for all your signs. I’m smiling now. You have reminded me of my attitude of gratitude and reconnected me with your soul. You know, I am living for both you and me. My adventures are always an extension of yours. Until we meet again big brother!
From my heart to your soul,
I love you and miss you so fucking much!

My Letter to Mathew

Dear Mathew,

This message is for you to read anytime, all the time, and forever!

don't ever be sad while I'm away or not near, because I'm always with you in your heart
every time the sun rises to meet the day, think of me greeting you with a morning kiss
every time the moon shines good night, think of me holding you warm and tight
for every laugh you have, i'm laughing right with you (even if I don't get it)
for all your proud moments I might miss, remember I'm always proud of you near or far

and throughout the day for the rest of your life, remember i'll always be on your little shoulder or in your little pocket to tell you these beautiful things:

be strong. be brave. have fun. smile. laugh often. live life grande. dance like no one is watching. sing in the shower. do handstands. be kind. be thankful. be mindful. be soulful. do everything with love. stay positive. follow your dreams. dream big. be silly. be a kid. get dirty. go outside. breathe in. breathe out. find your inner peace. don't worry. be happy. keep it simple. strengthen your mental toughness daily. keep your integrity. be responsible. focus. be safe. have adventures. work hard. play harder. look up. admire earth. enjoy the little things. life is all about the little things. do your best. respect others. say please and thank you. use sir and ma'am. give compliments. spread love. be compassionate. rise above. stand tall. be proud. be a good friend/brother. take naps. close your eyes and listen to the world. use your imagination. think of six impossible things everyday. daydream. see the beauty in this world. relax and enjoy. fear is fake. wake up with a smile. choose happiness. choose love. focus on the good. let it go. reach for the stars. listen carefully. admit mistakes. learn. read. grow. stay calm. believe. everything changes. life is not fair, but that's okay. your attitude is everything. live life. love life. every second of it.
life is beautiful and so are you!

you are stronger than you know, braver than you believe, smarter than you think, more capable than you ever dreamed, and you are loved more than you can possibly imagine. and that's a lot cause I know you have a huge imagination.

i already miss you. 

and in case you foolishly forget, i am never not thinking of you and loving you!

this is from your one and only, #1, favorite, bestest MOM in the whole wide world!
and this is for her most favorite person of all time in the history of ever, MATHEW!

you are my light, my life, my love...

❤ MOM ❤

confession of a mother

on mother's day 2014, i'd like to make a confession. here it goes.
i hate mother's day.
there i said it.

yes, i'm a mother of an 8 year old boy and a step mother to 7 and 10 year old boys.

i don't want only this day to tell me i'm the best mom.
i don't want flowers or gifts because the calendar tells you to buy it for me.
i don't need the pressure of having to do the same for all the mother's i know.
i can't go to my favorite restaurant anyway, it's a two hour wait.
i have to spend my day celebrating motherhood, without my two step sons.
i have to share this day with my mother and mother-in-law (no offense moms).

so why is this day so special? it just isn't. and it shouldn't be.

maybe i'm just lucky to have a family that shares their love and appreciation regularly.
maybe i'm just throwing a pity party for a day that i know will not be my own.
maybe it's the disappointments from the years long ago.
maybe it just pisses me off how it's another business holiday, not filled with true sentiments.

either way, i would prefer if this holiday just didn't exist.

i want everyday to feel like i'm a great mom,
because i'm a mom everyday for the rest of my life.
i want to feel like a great mom even on days i suck at it. those are the days i need it most.
i want drawings and flowers on random days. this is so much more specialer.
i want hugs everyday. period.
LUCKY ME, i do.
i am the luckiest mom in the world.


so to all the mother's out there:
happy mother's day, everyday but this one!
you are more special than just on today.

Conversation with a 7-year old boy

My son goes to the Jewish Community Center (JCC) for summer camp and after-school programs. The JCC enriches him with the traditions and religious beliefs of the Jews (among many other non-religious things). I think it's important for him to know where part of his family came from. So I'm really happy that he is learning so much about the culture and beliefs of the Jews, my family's heritage. But I also think it's extremely important to question everything. And well, Mathew surely does.

So today, after I picked him up from the JCC, we had another one of those conversations that I want to document for the books.

He asks me: "Why do Jewish and Christian people have so many rules? Why can't they be free, not trapped in a cage or stuck by rules. It's not fair." Verbatim.

I smile, and explain to him that each person has a choice. And by choosing a certain religion and its rules, they are free because they have made a choice. I gave him the example of my sister-in-law, his aunt and explained her choices were of her own free will. She is not trapped in a cage in her view. Have you thought of it that way? Mathew said no.

I continued to elaborate to him that you yourself have made a choice by thinking these rules trap you in a cage and therefore you are free for making that choice.

When I asked him why does he feel that way about the rules. He compared the religion rules to being like slaves in a cage. He believes the rules are so conforming that they make him feel trapped, like a slave. Wow! I am not making this up people.

Of course, being the balanced, non-persuasive parent (that I try really hard to be): I told him he had the right to feel that way, but he should ALWAYS respect what other people believe even if you don't agree. Everyone has the right to their own opinion, beliefs, and feelings. I emphasized that you cannot take these things away from people, nor can anyone take them away from you.

What I wanted to say: I agree with your sentiments 100%.

I'm so proud of my son for thinking on his own, for engaging in these thoughts and ideas and nurturing them into his own beliefs (not pressured or coerced by anyone, including me).

Again, my son continues to amaze me!



To close:
I understand this blog might get some people upset, especially some family members. I urge those people who get upset or offended by this to remember the lesson I tried to teach my 7-year old son today: we each have the right to our opinions, feelings, and thoughts, even if they don't coincide with yours. You are free to share your thoughts, but I will state upfront I do not welcome rude or condescending comments. Thank you for understanding that I am trying to raise my son to think for himself and to choose for himself. I'd like to think I'm on the right track!

i couldn't really tell

i couldn't really tell

the birds sing and chirp
and sing marvelous songs,
but i'm sure they said something
but i couldn't really tell

the bears growl and groan
and hibernate for the winter
but i'm sure they said something,
but i couldn't really tell

snakes slither and hiss
and climb trees,
but i'm positive they said something,
but i couldn't really tell

~the end
poem by my 7 year old son, Mathew

to me, this poem is amazing. maybe i'm biased. but i don't care. i love it.
i am so happy that all those nights of reading shel silverstein has inspired him.
i'm such a proud mama!

Well, hello there...

so, yeah i've been a stranger in the blogosphere for almost two years. i suck. and i hope my two blog fans don't hate me. are you both still there? i'm not proud of my disappearance. all i have are lame excuses, like no time, children, and work. but whatever...excuses are for lame-o's.

i had lunch with a very dear friend and soul sister, camile! she brought back to my attention my blogs; how she loved my blogs and how i inspired her to blog herself. plugging her blog here. while sitting there and attempting to explain to her out loud "my excuses" for not blogging, it made me just cringe. it was pathetic really. i mean how am i supposed to get a writing career if i don't write. how can i complain about my job, the one that is a means to an end, if i'm not even trying to do what i love?! so here i am...trying to get back into it, not for the career goal (although, that would be totally awesome), but to take all the things that spin in my head and lay them all out for my (2 fan based) blog world to read, laugh, and be inspired. i might back track to some older ideas in my head; about parenting, living life to the fullest, and mostly just spewing all the crap in my head. so here goes it...

so for today, i'll just fill you in on a few things that have happened while i've been away:

• september 2011 
• went to california for the first time. i hugged thousand year old trees, slept in a tent, drank lots of wine, and met my boyfriends family
• november 2, 2011
• my first niece was born. lilianne robin azoulay. she is the daughter i'll never have.
• june 2012 
• went to vegas for the first time. we stayed in the paris hotel, won $85 in caesar's palace, molested statues, went to the grand canyon, walked the skywalk and the hoover dam bridge
• june 23, 2012 
• shot a fully automatic m-16 rifle in celebration of robin's birthday. enough said.
• august 7, 2012 
• i got a new tattoo. a big hamsa on my left side ribs. hurt like a motherfucker
• october 2012 
• i voted early. i voted obama. 
• december 1, 2012
• moved into a new place with my boyfriend and his 2 wonderful boys
• december 2012 
• i had a breast cancer scare. i have breast calcifications (that were biopsied) and four nodules that need to be monitored for the next two years. fuck cancer
• january, 2013 
• went horseback riding for the first time. sore ass.
• january 28, 2013
• purchased an ibanez artwood guitar. youtube lessons. finger tip callouses. another checkmark on my bucket list.
• february 10, 2013 
• my boyfriend propsed to me. i am now engaged to my soul mate. 

...and today, i am still planning a wedding, raising three amazing boys, managing my time poorly, dealing with chronic neck problems, frustrated with people, inconsistently working out, devouring chocolate daily (no seriously, every day!), falling asleep early, cursing like a fucking trucker, misplacing my patience, and most importantly loving on the four men in my life.

i'd like to close with a quote from my son:
"i moustache you a question. but i'll shave it for later"

    i'm a tree-hugger!

the opposite of bully

I could not find a true antonym for the word 'bully'. Could the opposite of a bully simply be a person that does NOT badger, tease, belittle, harass, or intimidate smaller or weaker people? I think not. To me the opposite of bully is kind.

Acts of bullying inspire suicide.
Acts of kindness inspire more kindness.

I'd like to share a story that I just learned about on the last day of my son's kindergarten year. It's a pretty amazing story and I will no doubt be doting on my son (so consider the source, an unbelievably proud mother).

I visited my son's school this morning for his last day of school. The classroom teacher presented a beautiful video of the school year and the kids shared poems and art work from their school year. At the end of this event, a mother approached me and asked me if I was Mathew's mother. After I told her yes, she then tells me how sweet and kind he was. That she never met a little boy that was as sweet as he. It is truly such an honor to hear that coming from another mother. After my gracious thank you's, she proceeded to tell me something much more incredible:

"Your son helped my daughter survive kindergarten!"

What?! How?! Really?!

She explains to me that her daughter cried almost every day for the first half of the school year. She had a difficult transition, since she was not in a full time school prior to kindergarten. My son (apparently) helped her every day, not just once. He told her things like "it's okay, don't cry." He told her "chicken" jokes and sang her silly made-up songs. I know this because the 6-year old girl told me herself. The mother was tearing up while telling me how my son was so good to her daughter. Of course, I start tearing up as my mind was blown away. As she is talking to me and we are getting to know our kids a little more, I witness the unique bond between the two of them. I see two little peas in a pod giggling and acting silly. It must have been my proudest moment thus far. She explained to me that in the course of the year she volunteered in the classroom and could tell that their bond was special, like cousins. The teacher told us that these two will be lifetime friends.

My son has single handedly changed the course of a little girls kindergarten experience for the better through simple acts of kindness. My son helped someone through a hard time. My son gave altruistically and compassionately with no motive, but kindness. My son created a true friendship at the young age of 6. Wether it lasts a lifetime or not, I think this little girl will always remember the little boy who helped her overcome a tough transition.

I remember my kindergarten experience where I came home crying often. Three little girls made fun of me because English wasn't my first language. I remember they were the opposite of kind. I can only now begin to imagine (thanks to my son) what my childhood experience would have been like if I had a little Mathew in my class by my side. This kid is amazing!

Remember, the antonym of bullying is kindness. Spread the love. Pay it forward.

"My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness."

Mathew is Six

Mathew,

Today you are You,
that is truer than true.
There is no one alive
who is Youer than You.

Happy Birthday To You!

You're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting,
So... get on your way!

Have I ever told you how lucky I am?

I am so proud of the little man you are and the big man you are becoming!

I love you more than words can describe!

It's your day of all days

It's the best of the best

make it awesome

Love your mama-sweeta!

New York, New York

I miss
the delectable food
street hot dogs
central park views
people watching
broadway
I miss you New York, New York!

I don't miss
the smoke filled air
defiled streets
polluted skin at the end of the day
noise so loud I couldn't hear myself think
Starbucks sightings everywhere

I still miss you New York, New York!

I miss the
bustling fun
city night lights
tourist sites

museums galore
street fairs
I miss you New York, New York!

I don't miss
bumping crowds
traffic hampers
summer heat

blistered feet

manure smells

I still miss you New York, New York!

I miss feeling lonely surrounded by millions.
I miss the friends, the laughter, and all the good times.

I miss you New York, New York!

It's time for a trip back to the big apple!

...and I promised Mathew I'd take him there.

Looks like I'll see you soon...New York, New York!

My Heart is Full

Another morning commute conversation with Mathew:

So, this intro part is just a snippet of what we talked about, so I can get to the awesome ending faster.

On our way to school this morning, after a dentist visit, I told him how proud I was of him. He didn't even flinch when they gave him the "sleeping medicine" (also known as, the dreadful novacain shot). I went on to tell him how much I loved him and how "I'm proud of you more than all the proud moms put together." Then I told him, that "I am one lucky mom to have you as my son!" He replies by saying, "I'm the luckiest boy for having the best mom in the world!"

So here's where my heart bounces with joy and is overflowing with so much love, that all I can tell him is "you've touched my heart! my heart is full of love!"

Here's the good part:

Then he says,

"My heart is full of kisses...and all the medium kisses are for you."

I was like,

"WHAT?! Who gets the big kisses?"

He explains quite cleverly,

"The big kisses come out in a big bubble filled with small kisses and they fly over to all the people I love, even in heaven!"

I understand completely (I mean, how can I argue with that?!). I say, "Oh, well of course! Okay, I'll take all the medium kisses I can get."

dude, this kid melts my heart and amazes me every day!

a proud mama i am is an understatement

"maybe the world rules itself"

My morning commute conversation with Mathew:

Out of the blue, Mathew asks me "who rules the world? ...is it god?"

I said "some people think it's god."

Then mathew says "maybe the world rules itself!"

Oh, how I loved to hear that. But I was also so surprised to hear such a profound realization come out of my 5-year old son, so I had to ask him, "where did you hear that from?"

He said, "Nowhere, I just thought of it."

...the conversation continued on about presidents, rulers, kings, and such.

I love having these conversations with him!

P.S. some of you may have heard of this story (on facebook), but I had to add to my blog, after all, this is part of my memory bank

i have morbid thoughts

I have morbid thoughts

always have

they sweep through my mind

and take residence

they consume every part of me

evicting me from my own mind

with motherhood, my morbid thoughts multiplied

my mind, a breeding ground

producing constant fear and worry

lack of control

luring tears and shaking fits

it is a wonder, i survive

with age and lessons learned, I still have morbid thoughts

fleeting though

moving in only on temporary notice

barely noticeable

as i breathe

as i meditate

serenity, courage, wisdom

the morbid thoughts crawling away on all fours

except....

in the last couple days, i continue to have morbid thoughts

dwelling in my mind

strengthening in my weakness

my biggest fear of leaving my son motherless

in a selfish act of traveling alone

anxiety, stress, dread

breathing, meditating

a facade that my morbid thoughts see right through

they've invaded completely

a horrifying world of morbid thoughts

with courage, i'm fighting

with determination, i'm winning

to manage these thoughts

and expel them from my mind

I demand to feel excitement for my journey to Israel

so i say to my morbid thoughts,

tonight you die!

(is it okay to think morbid thoughts about my morbid thoughts?)

~sol

some quotes:
...worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.
...for peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe.
...troubles are a lot like people - they grow bigger if you nurse them.

Mathew Lines Again

It just keeps getting better...

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways Mathew tells me:

• You make me happy
• I don't want you to have anymore birthdays. I don't want you to get old.
• I'll eat you up, I love you so (some of you may know where that one comes from)
• Je t'aime beaucoup
• I love you more
• I love you most
• I love you shinier than the shiniest jewel
• You're very sweet mama, like a lollipop. lollipops are the sweetest, but I won't eat you up.
• You are the best mom of all moms. why? cause you're my mom
• You are the queen of all moms
• I have the biggest heart for you in the whole wide world
• I got everything I needed for my birthday
• I'm your husband, right?!
• I love you all the way to heaven and back

Other quotes from Mathew:

• ‎Mathew came home from school with at least a dozen drawings. When I asked him why do you have so many drawings, he said "because I'm an artist!"
• ‎Mathew asked the nurse if he's getting a shot. She said "don't think about it." Then I asked mathew if he knows what that means...he said "I AM going to get one"
• "It's the circle of life mama" Mathew says to me after we talked and cried over Bear going to heaven.
• Me: "Why are you crying Mathew?" Mathew: "I don't want you to be alone for xmas."
• Do you know what I want for christmas from your house? I just want love!
• you're killing me smalls (quote from "The Sandlot" movie)
• can your tummy make another baby

This is my fourth blog post of Mathew Lines.
Here are the first three;

1. Mathew Lines

2. Mathew Lines - Part Deux

3. Mathew Lines - Part tres

May I be blessed to have a lifetime supply of Mathew Lines!

my awful, beautiful life!

I realized tonight that it's time to stop blaming my ex for the current housing crisis, financial loss, and credit woes I've been struggling with. I must take ownership of my life, even the parts that seem to have been leftover from my marriage. I thought to myself "ugh, stop feeling so scorned, it's so pathetic! Even the fact it took me this long to come to this thought is pathetic. wake up!"

And I did just that, I woke up to write it all down. That's how I do. So I bolted out of my bed, ran downstairs and pulled out my macbook. Here I am, all revved up, writing at midnight when I'm usually lolly gagging in dream land. I've barely even started and I feel better already. (See Kelly, this is what I do.)

So the back story goes something like this: My ex and I purchased a pre-construction home at the peak of the housing market (as an investment). On moving day, my ex decides that our marriage is over. I struggled the first couple of years to keep and make that single family house a home for my son and I. Years later, I finally made it to that status of "financially comfortable." Mind you, that just means a lot less paycheck to paycheck. Then last year, after careful and long deliberations, I decided to sell my house. But you see, my house lost it's value. I lost the cash equity in my home, which was part of our divorce settlement. Then my equity line account was frozen due to the value of my home depreciating. And now I owe more than double the value of my home, not including the cash equity that is gone. So yeah, I blamed the ex for the shit storm I'm in. And yes, I resented him for now owning a 5-bedroom house at the now low market value. It was easy to blame him for the year's worth of drama I've been in over this house.

So here goes the long over due, don't know why I didn't think of this sooner epiphany: I made the choices that led me to where I am today. I chose to be with him, to marry him, buy that house with him. I chose to not sell it when we divorced. I chose to sell it now and suffer the consequences on my own. And just like I felt empowered to be a single mom owning a home and making it on her own, I should feel empowered too for making difficult decisions knowing the hardships we would go through, for the sake of my 2-person family's happiness. Now that's something to be proud of.

I don't know what I was thinking carrying all this divorced women's scorn around on the inside. Not good Nancy, not good at all. So even with the debt owed, bad credit, the way too high car lease payment, the downsizing and renting, and all the other non-ending negative factors that have come into my life, it is not longer due to my past marriage, but due to the choices I've made. I made it so and for good reasons. And if for nothing else, to build more character!

I love my life! and loving my life means taking the amazing with the awful, the awesome with the suck. and I choose to take it all. I and only I, made the choices that led me here today. and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I am so so thankful for this life, my life.

life is good

la vie est belle

May I be forever blessed with the awesome, sucky, amazing and awful things in my life.

I love this crazy, tragic,
Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautiful life!

the crap line of my life ends now gosh darn it

So as I promised last June in my blog called Mental Toughness, here is the crap line of my life.

Without being dramatic or seeking pity, here's the crap line of my life. Let's start with the BEST day of my life....

Oct. 4, 2005 -> best day of my life - Mathew is born
Jan, 2006 -> my husband of 6 years says he's not happy. Why? he says, "I don't know."
Jun, 2006 -> my husband leaves us and wants a divorce
Oct. 2006 -> the husband who walked out on his family finally has his son sleepover for the first time
Nov. 2006 -> I travel to Hawaii for some needed healing (without Mathew)
Nov. 2006 -> Grand epiphany - "I'm grateful that he left me"
Dec. 2006 -> I discover that the husband has a live-in girlfriend and he finally filed the divorce paperwork (interesting timing)
Feb. 2007 -> my dog, Harley, bites another dog, leading to that dog's death
Mar 2007 -> lost the animal court case, fined for animal biting
June 2007 -> the divorce is finalized, my name is back
Aug 2007 -> the ex-husband tells me his girlfriend is 5 months pregnant
Sept. 2007 -> I vacation to Spain (without Mathew)
Oct. 2007 -> I met a guy, and started falling in love
Nov 2007 -> the ex-husband marries his now 8 month pregnant girlfriend in the courthouse
Dec. 2007 -> my boyfriend moves in with us (i know, i know...it was quick)
Jun. 2008 -> got my first tattoo
Sep. 2008 -> my little brother, Philippe gets married
Sep. 2008 -> my boyfriend leaves us and doesn't look back
Sep. 2008 -> we find out my mother has cancer in her kidney
Nov. 4, 2008 -> my mom is cancer-free!
Jan. 2009 -> tried e-harmony. fail.
Feb. 2009 -> the ex-husband tells me he just bought a 5 bedroom house with a pool and asks to lower child support in the same conversation. Few days later, he asks me to stop communicating with his family
Feb. 2009 -> I have a new boss
Apr 2009 -> I make the hardest decision in my life. Harley is given up for adoption.
Aug 11, 2009 -> worst day of my life - my big brother, Robin passes away
Sept 2009 -> get my second tattoo in memory of my brother Robin
Nov 2009 -> the ex-husband tells me his wife is 8 months pregnant (only cause Mathew figured it out and told me)
Jan 2010 -> tried online dating again. fail.
Feb 2010 -> stopped paying my mortgage - I owe double the value of what my house is worth and want out of this past life.
Mar 2010 -> take Mathew to Canada to see snow
May 2010 -> get served, foreclosure lawsuit on my house (I have a short-sale contract pending)
May 2010 -> take week long vacation to Disney (mostly for me)
June 21, 2010 -> went sky diving for my brothers would be 40th birthday
August 2010 -> buyer for my short sale house withdraws contract
August 11, 2010 -> one year anniversary of my brother's death

Sept. 2010 -> work woes begin
Oct. 2010 -> Bear, our family dog passes away
Nov. 2010 -> Second buyer of my short sale declined meeting the Banks financial numbers.
Dec. 29, 2010 -> Third Buyer of my short sale house withdraws contract

Dec. 30, 2010 -> Visit the happiest place on Earth with Mathew (magic kingdom)

and now...
2011 -> the beginning of a new life line! =)

2010 wasn't so bad

2010 was a rough year and with it almost gone, I start looking forward and moving on. But one can't help but look back, just the same:

February - Mathew went to his 1st Miami Heat game.

February - I went to the John Mayer concert with good ole time friend, Denise!

March - Mathew and I went to Montreal, Canada in March for a winter week get-away: the snowball effect and O'Canada, I love you so, but here are...

April - Mathew and I went to Disney on Ice with his best friend, Jose and his family.

April - I witnessed one of the best weddings to date; partly cause it was gorgeous, mostly cause it's my favorite couple, and so totally cause of their love, one-of-a-kind. Jillian and Brian, I love you!

April - Mathew and I went to the Panthers hockey game.

May - Mathew and I went to Disney for a week: 6 days, 5 nights, 4 parks

May - I went back to Montreal for my cousin, Eric's wedding: Message from Robin

June - Mathew, Philippe (my lil' bro) and I went to Jungle Island and had a 2-month old bengal tiger sit on our lap! So cool!

June - Mathew had his 1st sleepover at our house with his best friend, Jose.

June - I went skydiving in memory of my brother's birthday: OMG! Amazing!

August - I went back AGAIN to Montreal for my cousin, Yaelle's wedding.

August - I got rid of my iPhone for my new DroidX.

October - Mathew and I went to the Monday Night Football game on Mathew's 5th birthday. The Miami Dolphins lost, but we still had a fantastic time.

October - For my birthday, my dad got me a luxury suite at the Hard Rock Hotel and I celebrated the night away with my closest friends and family.

November - Mathew and I went on a one week cruise for our birthday. We went to St. Maarten, Puerto Rico and the Bahamas.

December - Mathew and I went to two more Dolphin games. Although, they are a pathetic team, we have a great time!

December - Mathew and I "will" be going to Orlando to have dinner with my bestest friend, Carrie, to spend a couple days/nights with Jillian, Brian and their baby Bella, and one day to see Mickey Mouse!

** we also had many family members visit us here in Florida: Yvette, Maurice, Max, Annie, Gabe, Marcelle, Elias, Suzanne, Ben, Melissa (with the kids, Jeremy and Jacob), and maybe more that I can't think of...

So while 2010 had some major pitfalls, it wasn't so bad after all!

Thank you 2010 and I look forward to what 2011 brings.

Happy New Year!

Bring on 2011

I love my son

Mathew made a card for me today at school (with no help):

End Here: Start here:

Sic Mama

Fr I ❤ U

om I Sor

Mathew E D U R

Translation:

Mama

I love you

I'm sorry (I sore) that (D) you're (U R) sick

From Mathew

Aren't I the luckiest mom?

Conversations with a 5-year old boy

Mathew, my just turned 5-year old boy, tends to ask philosophical and intriguing questions, in which he leaves me baffled and fumbling at how to respond. And when I do respond, it only leads to more questions. Good thing I'm okay with saying "I don't know" and we look it up later. This conversation you are about to read was without planning and as usual, leaving me fumbling for answers. But before you read on, you must first read my blog disclaimer...a warning of sorts.

The following conversation with my 5-year old son, started with this question out of the blue:

"How did Earth start?"

I started by laughing nervously while driving my car. I mean, where did that come from? here we go again, baffled and amused...

So I started by telling him people believe different things and that I'm not even sure exactly what other beliefs may be out there. Essentially, I prefaced this conversation with the notion, that we really don't know the answer to this question, but everybody has there own belief. I've talked to him like this before when discussing heaven, reincarnation, death, etc. Yes, we have these conversations!

To answer his question, I started with the Big Bang theory. Some people think that billions of years ago, there was this big bang in the galaxy far, far away and poof, Earth was created. We pictured what that would look like in the galaxy and shared our thoughts.

Then I moved onto the Biblical theory. Yes, to me it's a theory, a mythical story. I told you to read the Blog Disclaimer first. Anyway, so I explained to him that some people believe God created Earth. That God said one day "Let there be light," and the next day, "let there be the sun, the moon, and the stars" and then "let there be animals and fish" and finally "let there be a boy and a girl." Or something like that. Yes, I know it's not a complete full version of the biblical story, but I was in a car and did not have Google handy. He got the point though and asked a really good question:

"Who is God?"

I laugh again. Oy,"Who is God?" he asks. Seriously?! Okay so I tell him that people believe different things about God. But mostly that God is believed to be the creator of Earth, a father. That God is everywhere, knows everything, and is powerful. Some people don't necessarily believe in God, but a form of God, that is not a person, but a powerful, energy source. I was really just babbling at this point. I tried to give him all view points to the best of my ability. I started to wonder if any of this was sinking in, when he then says:

"I want to create an Earth too!"

Laughing again....thinking great, now my son wants to be a God. So now I turn the tables on him.

"How do you think Earth was created?"

Oh, the places he goes....

One version he gave me was:

"Maybe heaven sent down babies on Earth." he tries to figure out.

I wonder out loud, "How did the heavens start?"

He reacts quickly almost like saying 'oh that's easy mom,' he says "people from Pluto came to heaven."

"Oh! And where is Pluto?" I ask curiously.

He says, "In the galaxy. On pluto there are dogs and one is named Pluto."

How do you not crack up hysterically...

He adds "There are also cats on Pluto."

I changed the subject on him to talk about Dinosaurs on Earth. Yes, I don't know what I was thinking, a conversation about evolution with a 5-year old. Luckily, I just kept it fun and light hearted. We talked about how dinosaurs were living on earth billions of years ago before us. Then HE talked about the fossils that are found now by paleontologists. He loves dinosaurs and apparently knows more about dinosaurs than I thought.

Then, I moved the subject back to how Earth was created and asked him for another theory of his. This has to be my favorite theory:

"There was a picture of a girl and a boy holding hands. In the picture, there was grass and flowers on the ground. The sun was at the top of the picture. It was a magic picture and it turned into real Earth."

Stunned by this idea, I had to ask, "Was the boy and girl named Adam and Eve?" I'm laughing as I ask this question, but also wondering if he's learning ideas from elsewhere.

He said, "No, Adis and Owen" (I don't even think we know an Adis and Owen.)

So naturally, I asked "who drew this painting?"

"An artist named Mathew" he says confidently. (Loving it!)

"Where was this artist drawing this picture if Earth was not created yet?"

He says without doubt, "in a rocket ship far away in the galaxy."

Now I wonder if his theory is getting mixed up with Super-Man and a magicians trick. Too funny! Where does a 5 year old come up with this stuff?

This conversation was approximately 20 minutes. I am not sure I gave the details, creativeness, and humor we had in this conversation the justice it is due. At one point, I had to start taking notes; it was just too good. He asked me if I was writing what he said down. I said, "Yes! I want to share your ideas with you when you get older! You will love it" And that's when I noticed a sense of pride and pleasure on his face (that I was writing it down).

I freaking love this kid!!!!

Reminder to self: Show this blog to Mathew when he's 10 years old, then again at 20 :)

Bear

Our family dog, Bear, passed away late last night from a turned over stomach. He was a gentle giant. He was so caring and loving and sweet. He was vocal, but not annoying vocal, more like I'm talking to you or singing with you kinda vocal (okay maybe sometimes annoying). He was always in the way just cause he always wanted to be a part of everything. He was always stepping on our toes and jumping on our shoulders. He went bezerk when we clapped. He knew before I even pulled into the driveway, that we were there. He was amazing! And his love for Mathew was infinite!

Mathew and Bear were best buddies. They loved playing together, running around the house, hugging, hiding, and laughing. Bear was always so perfectly kind to him, considering Bear was close to 100 pounds. Bear was his ultimate bodyguard. If you picked Mathew up for a hug, you were bound to get jumped on by Bear. "Let him go!" Or if you tickled Mathew or chased after Mathew, Bear would bark at you! "Stop it!" One time, Bear cornered me against the wall to protect Mathew. I could not get passed Bear and I seriously tried. You had to be there to see it. We all knew Bear's love for Mathew was unique and immeasurable! And I know the feeling was the same in reverse. That's why telling Mathew is going to break my heart in a little million pieces.

I already feel guilty for lying to Mathew this morning. I told him that Bear is sick and at the vet's office. I figured slowly peeling the bandaid off is better than ripping it off. Ironically, I told Mathew a couple days ago to just rip the bandaid off (literally). So why am I "setting" him up with this lie? Should I have told him in one shot? I know I have to tell him the final truth before Sunday. We visit the family every Sunday. And this Sunday, Bear won't be there! The house will be empty without the maniac dog. It will be too quiet without him speaking to us. No dog to step on our toes or give us bear hugs. And mostly, Mathew will no longer have his friend or his bodyguard.

This is all just too much. We already lost our own dog, Harley, then my brother Robin, and now Bear. A little kid shouldn't have to deal with so much loss. I pray Mathew's big heart will be strong enough for all of it!

40

Dear Robin,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

today you would be 40

6 years older than me

12 years older than Philippe

I could only dream of where you'd be, who you'd be with, or what you would be doing now...but in my reality I can tell you exactly who, where, and what you still are to me:

you are my brother and my friend

you are always in my heart and on my mind

you give me hope and light through my dark days

you inspire me to live NOW

your life transformed into this amazing gift to me, messages and all

you are an amazing uncle to Mathew, he holds a special place for you in his heart that even I can't describe. you have captured something with him in four small years that he will never forget or let go of

you are admired, cherished, appreciated, loved, and oh so missed!

...as long as I live, every breath i take, you will be here on this earth in the depths of my heart and soul (Mathew's too). Your are with me in my every move, decision, action, and fumble I make. I can hear you laugh and it's still contagious. I can hear you mentoring me too. I see you every day.

And on this day, I make this promise to you for as long as I shall live: I will celebrate your life always! And for your birthday every year I will celebrate with/for you by doing something 'special' in your honor! HBD ROBIN!

I thank you!

I love you!

till we meet again big bro!

your baby sis,

Nancy

P.S. To my blog readers: So as you are probably reading this, I am in the midst of celebrating his birthday. Stay tuned for my next post to find out what I'm doing/did. Now, let's just hope I can be as creative and daring for the years to come. ooooh, so exciting, can't wait to share!!!! :)

This was us celebrating my 25th birthday a long time ago...one of my most cherished pictures