10 years Have Gone By

I had an extremely emotional day this Sunday. It all started when my son’s best friend called to tell him she just lost her older brother. I couldn't stop crying all day, even during my Deep Yin class. I was a freaking hot mess. I couldn’t shake the sense of sadness that gripped me tight. See, I lost my brother 10 years ago, almost to the day (August 11, 2009). I don't usually carry so much sadness. This hit me so hard, it was so unexpected and unassuming.

But what I really wanted to share is how my brother sends me angelic signs and this time is no different. I remember about a month after he passed away, I was asking him to show me some signs that he is still here with me. Literally, I was talking to him out loud and the song ‘Calling All Angels’ by Train came on while I was driving. I belted that song so loud with tears running down my face. Coincidence, I think not. As crazy it may seem, I started seeing 11:11 everywhere. It became such a regular occurrence that my family stopped thinking I was crazy and believed in it too. Yesterday, in my time of need, I saw 11:11 twice and it only comes around twice a day. Then, I woke up in the middle of the night and my alarm clock said 1:11am. I went to sleep with a smile on my face. My son saw a rainbow on his way home from school yesterday (rainbows are signs too) and today he had a butterfly flutter on his face. It’s not your imagination, sometimes coincidence comes with a lot of angelic effort. .
.
I am comforted to know that during my darkest times & celebratory times, I see his signs everywhere. Maybe my energy manifests these signs, or the Universe is conspiring to make them happen for me or maybe he’s just simply sending me signs. Either way, it doesn’t change the fact that I know he’s tranformed back into the Universe and is eternally connected with the Universe within me.

Robin,
Thank you for all your signs. I’m smiling now. You have reminded me of my attitude of gratitude and reconnected me with your soul. You know, I am living for both you and me. My adventures are always an extension of yours. Until we meet again big brother!
From my heart to your soul,
I love you and miss you so fucking much!

to beautiful destinations

to whomever this may concern,
it could be the devil trying to recruit me
or it could be the universe testing me
whoever or whatever it is - this letter is for you

why must you bring so much negative energy into my world?
are you testing my strength and resolve?
are you recruiting me over to the dark side?
i thought we've been through this already... multiple times, in fact.

in case you were still wondering, i am strong enough and will always rise above.
if you haven't realized yet, in the darkness, that's when i see the stars that i love so much
so is it really necessary to keep raining down on my parade?

i will live life in peace, harmony and health with my loved ones... you should move on to someone else who needs reminders that life is beautiful even in the darkness. and if you continue to drain me with this negative energy, i will have to resort to throwing it back in your face in the form of a positive vibe. you've been warned.

i'm off to my beautiful destination now.

i am a being of light and love
bring it on
~sol

My Letter to Mathew

Dear Mathew,

This message is for you to read anytime, all the time, and forever!

don't ever be sad while I'm away or not near, because I'm always with you in your heart
every time the sun rises to meet the day, think of me greeting you with a morning kiss
every time the moon shines good night, think of me holding you warm and tight
for every laugh you have, i'm laughing right with you (even if I don't get it)
for all your proud moments I might miss, remember I'm always proud of you near or far

and throughout the day for the rest of your life, remember i'll always be on your little shoulder or in your little pocket to tell you these beautiful things:

be strong. be brave. have fun. smile. laugh often. live life grande. dance like no one is watching. sing in the shower. do handstands. be kind. be thankful. be mindful. be soulful. do everything with love. stay positive. follow your dreams. dream big. be silly. be a kid. get dirty. go outside. breathe in. breathe out. find your inner peace. don't worry. be happy. keep it simple. strengthen your mental toughness daily. keep your integrity. be responsible. focus. be safe. have adventures. work hard. play harder. look up. admire earth. enjoy the little things. life is all about the little things. do your best. respect others. say please and thank you. use sir and ma'am. give compliments. spread love. be compassionate. rise above. stand tall. be proud. be a good friend/brother. take naps. close your eyes and listen to the world. use your imagination. think of six impossible things everyday. daydream. see the beauty in this world. relax and enjoy. fear is fake. wake up with a smile. choose happiness. choose love. focus on the good. let it go. reach for the stars. listen carefully. admit mistakes. learn. read. grow. stay calm. believe. everything changes. life is not fair, but that's okay. your attitude is everything. live life. love life. every second of it.
life is beautiful and so are you!

you are stronger than you know, braver than you believe, smarter than you think, more capable than you ever dreamed, and you are loved more than you can possibly imagine. and that's a lot cause I know you have a huge imagination.

i already miss you. 

and in case you foolishly forget, i am never not thinking of you and loving you!

this is from your one and only, #1, favorite, bestest MOM in the whole wide world!
and this is for her most favorite person of all time in the history of ever, MATHEW!

you are my light, my life, my love...

❤ MOM ❤

a day like no other

will it or not
it is here
here i am
on august 11th

thought it would pass me by
a day like any other
who am i fooling
it's impossible to escape

the mindfulness is too strong
subconscious thoughts creep in
fleeting memories fly by
and here we go again
burdened with my grief

i miss you today
like i missed you yesterday
i need you today
like i needed you all this time
i want you hear with me
like you never left

death changes nothing
yet everything at once
and time stands still
while it passes you by

it's supposed to get easier
or so they say
but on days like this
it never really is

i will face the day in such a way
not like any other
but like the day it is
the day i lost my brother
five years ago today

never will you be forgotten
on this day or ever
until the day i see you again

Robin, in case you ever foolishly forget; i am never not thinking of you.
from my heart to your soul...



"death leaves a heartache no one can heal; love leaves a memory no one can steal"  - unknown

"sorrow comes in great waves...but it rolls over us, and though it may almost smother us it leaves us on the spot and we know that if it is strong, we are stronger, inasmuch as it passes and we remain" - henry james

i live

for you, i live
i dare
i seek
i thrill
i love
i live

this year's birthday adventure in celebration of your life and the way you lived it...is to fly again, using a water jetpack (james bond style). unfortunately, the company canceled last minute today and our experience will be postponed for another day (soon).

these new adventures every year make me feel alive. without adventures, risks and experiencing new things in life...you're not living at all. you're just not dying.

"to live is the rarest thing in the world. most people exist, that is all" - oscar wilde
in your short life, you lived life more than most in a full lifetime. something i am always so proud to say. i hope i am making you proud with the life i am living, not just existing...because it's for both you and me.

happy birthday robin!
i love you and miss you everyday!!!

xoxo, from my heart to your soul

happy birthday jorge

to my brother in law, Jorge
a short and sweet birthday message to you:

i miss you and my heart aches for your absence
how can you miss someone you never met? 
everyday, pieces of you make way into my heart
you are so deeply loved and cherished, it is penetrating
i am so lucky to be a part of your family, to be your sister
very much like my brother, your aura is vibrant and lively
your presence is never absent from our home
you will always live on within us
within the five of us, the Gonzoulay family

happy birthday jorge!
today and everyday,
we shall live life exponentially for all of us!
we love you!

from my heart to your soul...
i know we shall meet someday
your sister,
Sol

confession of a mother

on mother's day 2014, i'd like to make a confession. here it goes.
i hate mother's day.
there i said it.

yes, i'm a mother of an 8 year old boy and a step mother to 7 and 10 year old boys.

i don't want only this day to tell me i'm the best mom.
i don't want flowers or gifts because the calendar tells you to buy it for me.
i don't need the pressure of having to do the same for all the mother's i know.
i can't go to my favorite restaurant anyway, it's a two hour wait.
i have to spend my day celebrating motherhood, without my two step sons.
i have to share this day with my mother and mother-in-law (no offense moms).

so why is this day so special? it just isn't. and it shouldn't be.

maybe i'm just lucky to have a family that shares their love and appreciation regularly.
maybe i'm just throwing a pity party for a day that i know will not be my own.
maybe it's the disappointments from the years long ago.
maybe it just pisses me off how it's another business holiday, not filled with true sentiments.

either way, i would prefer if this holiday just didn't exist.

i want everyday to feel like i'm a great mom,
because i'm a mom everyday for the rest of my life.
i want to feel like a great mom even on days i suck at it. those are the days i need it most.
i want drawings and flowers on random days. this is so much more specialer.
i want hugs everyday. period.
LUCKY ME, i do.
i am the luckiest mom in the world.


so to all the mother's out there:
happy mother's day, everyday but this one!
you are more special than just on today.

i have a dream: it's a quiet revolution

i am a dreamer. an utterly, hopeless dreamer. the kind that literally imagines all the people sharing all the world and the world living as one. yup, that kind of dreamer. i know, i must be naive or stupid. yet, i'm still hopeful for a day like that. although, lately the more informed i become about this world and this country specifically, the dimmer my hope gets. i get so frustrated, i cry, i rant on and on, and i drive my fiancee crazy with my ideas and opinions and dreams. i find myself asking almost everyday, what can i do, how can i make a difference, can i make a change in this world in the right direction. i am trying to be the change i want to see in this world, little by little. but it is so damn hard. this system we live in is so corrupt and money driven, it is just pure exploitation.

so what do we do
bring down the unjust system.
how do we do it?
we have a quiet revolution!

all over the media (if you look hard enough), there are uprisings, riots, protests and violence all over the world. in turkey, brazil, syria, parts of europe and now egypt. i'm not talking about this though.

i'm talking about a peaceful, spiritual, quiet revolution.
what the hell is that you ask?
for one thing, it's better for your soul.
but it starts with the need to rid this society of big corporations and big pharmaceutical companies. for the sake of this blog, let's call them the "evil empire." their interests do not lie with serving us or with healing us, they are only interested in greed and power. the evil empire make us sick and help keep us sick. they are taking away our earth's resources and then selling it to us as if its something we don't have rights to. they control our food, our medicine, our government, our laws, our way of life. they created a life of dependency. we live in this perpetual cycle, a fucking hamster wheel. this society is not normal, this society is corrupt and broken. as a nation we are circling the drain. so we all agree, we need to bring down the evil empire. good.
now let's talk about why they are in power. we buy the products they manufacture. we buy and support the agriculture that kills our earth and our bodies. we are the ones consuming things we don't need. we rely to heavily on their greed. we rely on their created conveniences. we rely on quick and easy. and as a result, we are succumbed to unhealthy and unsafe products and laws that only serve certain interests against us. the rich get richer, the poor get poorer and the middle are stuck in the middle.

to me, the irony behind all this is that in actuality, we are the one's in control. we feed the evil empire. we keep running in our fucking hamster wheel. it's time to stop running and start living. this is where the quiet revolution comes in to play. it's in our way of life. so i say, we take back what is rightfully ours. we take back the power that is in our own hands. without violence, without war. without even protesting. we change our way of life.

this quiet revolution i'm referring to has been talked about and discussed in other articles and online media outlets. it's already being practiced in some parts of the world. it's changing the system from within yourself. we need to find a more humanitarian way of life. we start by questioning everything we learned. we doubt the authenticity of where we learned it. allow ourselves to accept new ideas, new ways of life (or the old ways of life). we have the power to stop feeding the evil empire and to start feeding ourselves. we need to stop lining their pockets with our hard earned money. it is about becoming more self-sufficient, self-reliant. we need to live a more sustainable life. we stop buying their products. we buy organic and local. we make home-made products. we use earth's resources for our needs. we help thy neighbors. if the evil empire stops being profitable, they will stop having "control" over the government and us. we have the power.

ultimately, the foundation of this quiet revolution can only be built on human compassion. it is imperative for the survival of this fight, to find the compassion in our hearts we were all born with. compassion is the key to this revolution. we need to be more neighborly. 

this blog started with a dream. i envision one day living in a community, where i know all my neighbors. we all have gardens and barter each others crops. each house has different vegetables and fruits and we all share the land and the food. we help each other with gardening tips and care for each others gardens while away. our neighbors and i would also share and barter our many different skill sets; mechanics, handy man, doctors, seamstress, lawyers and so forth. we would all use each others services to help one another, no money exchanges, just a simple bartering system. our compassion for each other, our neighborly love will make us thrive! and best of all, we would limit the money we put in the hands of the evil empire. a simple dream for a dreamer like me.

can you see what i see? am i crazy dreamer to believe this quiet revolution will save us from the evil empire and save this earth we live on. i know our souls will thank us and mother nature will embrace us. 

do you feel the power in your hands? do you want to bring down the evil empire? then join me in this quiet revolution. become informed, spread the message. let's all help one another. let's make this dream come true. i am inspired today as we mark the 50th anniversary of MLK's speech to make my dream come true. if he can inspire the masses to make such a remarkable difference in this world, we all can do the same. let's be the change we wish to see in the world. let's start now.

my dream starts with a garden. i hope to shine the light brighter on me, my children, and the future of this world.

i have a dream. it's a dream of a quiet revolution. i have a dream of a world where we all live as one.



side note: while writing this, i had a song in my head and it fits perfectly, actually i was changing the words of the song with the words in this blog. lol. it was fun.

Revolution, by the Beatles

You say you want a revolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world

You tell me that it's evolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world

Don't you know it's gonna be all right?

All right, all right

equal human rights for all

...no, we are not all trayvon martin. i am not trayvon martin. i am a white, jewish-born mother living in cooper city, florida. i don't get pulled over by police for random searches. i don't get treated like a punk who will steal while shopping in a store. i am not a threat to anyone. and i don't think i will ever be followed in the streets at dark for being a suspicious character. but i don't have to be trayvon martin to empathize with him and his family. i don't have to be trayvon martin or have darker skin to know that racism killed him (and countless others). i don't know what it will take to change this country we live in, but i do know we need change. i fear the future for my children. we live in a world where this is acceptable and that is unacceptable to me. i am not nor will i ever be trayvon martin, but i stand up for him and all my fellow brothers and sisters on this earth. for i support equal human rights for all.

not guilty

not guilty, but not innocent
we have guilty people walking free
innocent people walking in heaven too soon

today,
i could be the mother watching the murderer of my son walk free
a child who did nothing wrong that day
it was not the wrong time and wrong place for him
yet one man's wrong actions towards him
and today that man has been given freedom
even if he stole a child's freedom (for no reason)

today,
justice does not seem to be fair
where is the common sense
i am sick to my stomach

today, 

the world doesn't make sense

i am heartbroken

the tears keep rolling

today,
i think of my boys
my innocent boys
i fear this world will swallow them up

today, is a sad day for everyone's freedom.
this is not the greatest country in the world
freedom, liberty, and justice - not for all

i am discouraged
i am losing hope
i can't stop crying
help me understand


**********
let me end with a quote from miami gardens mayor oliver gilbert: "Let us honor Trayvon by working together to build a world that never allows life to be lost to ignorance, indifference, or idiocy."

may there be peace on earth for all sooner rather than later
RIP Trayvon Martin

Conversation with a 7-year old boy

My son goes to the Jewish Community Center (JCC) for summer camp and after-school programs. The JCC enriches him with the traditions and religious beliefs of the Jews (among many other non-religious things). I think it's important for him to know where part of his family came from. So I'm really happy that he is learning so much about the culture and beliefs of the Jews, my family's heritage. But I also think it's extremely important to question everything. And well, Mathew surely does.

So today, after I picked him up from the JCC, we had another one of those conversations that I want to document for the books.

He asks me: "Why do Jewish and Christian people have so many rules? Why can't they be free, not trapped in a cage or stuck by rules. It's not fair." Verbatim.

I smile, and explain to him that each person has a choice. And by choosing a certain religion and its rules, they are free because they have made a choice. I gave him the example of my sister-in-law, his aunt and explained her choices were of her own free will. She is not trapped in a cage in her view. Have you thought of it that way? Mathew said no.

I continued to elaborate to him that you yourself have made a choice by thinking these rules trap you in a cage and therefore you are free for making that choice.

When I asked him why does he feel that way about the rules. He compared the religion rules to being like slaves in a cage. He believes the rules are so conforming that they make him feel trapped, like a slave. Wow! I am not making this up people.

Of course, being the balanced, non-persuasive parent (that I try really hard to be): I told him he had the right to feel that way, but he should ALWAYS respect what other people believe even if you don't agree. Everyone has the right to their own opinion, beliefs, and feelings. I emphasized that you cannot take these things away from people, nor can anyone take them away from you.

What I wanted to say: I agree with your sentiments 100%.

I'm so proud of my son for thinking on his own, for engaging in these thoughts and ideas and nurturing them into his own beliefs (not pressured or coerced by anyone, including me).

Again, my son continues to amaze me!



To close:
I understand this blog might get some people upset, especially some family members. I urge those people who get upset or offended by this to remember the lesson I tried to teach my 7-year old son today: we each have the right to our opinions, feelings, and thoughts, even if they don't coincide with yours. You are free to share your thoughts, but I will state upfront I do not welcome rude or condescending comments. Thank you for understanding that I am trying to raise my son to think for himself and to choose for himself. I'd like to think I'm on the right track!

i couldn't really tell

i couldn't really tell

the birds sing and chirp
and sing marvelous songs,
but i'm sure they said something
but i couldn't really tell

the bears growl and groan
and hibernate for the winter
but i'm sure they said something,
but i couldn't really tell

snakes slither and hiss
and climb trees,
but i'm positive they said something,
but i couldn't really tell

~the end
poem by my 7 year old son, Mathew

to me, this poem is amazing. maybe i'm biased. but i don't care. i love it.
i am so happy that all those nights of reading shel silverstein has inspired him.
i'm such a proud mama!

baby daddy

my advice to all the mothers-yet-to-be:

don't worry about finding the perfect man or the man of your dreams.
worry more about finding the perfect father for your child or the dad of your dreams for your child.

Imagine this:
That moment when you see your ex for the first time after a break up. Knots in your stomach, sweaty palms, heart surging...what do you say? do you say hi or pretend you never saw him? do you say hi and act with no care in the world? With each encounter, the ex slowly fades away and the knots loosen up, the palms cool off, and the heart beats calmer. Before you know it, he's just a blip in your life map.  an ex is just an ex.

NOW Imagine this:
That same moment above; over and over and over again....for the life of your child. No matter the congeniality of the break-up...you still get the knots, sweat and surge for each, expected visit from your baby daddy. And you ask yourself: how did you ever end up with that guy? What were you thinking when you married him? How could you make a baby with that guy? Really? Seriously? Ewwww?!?!

dear mothers-yet-to-be:
please choose your baby daddy wisely
"an ex is just an ex, but a baby daddy is for life" - my quote

i urge you to ask yourself: is this the man i want to be as my ex AND my baby daddy? you know, would he be the ex husband that is an exceptional parent nonetheless? this is an important question to ask when dating.

Seek a perfect father and dad of your dreams for your child.
Your child and your future ex-self will thank you!

from personal experience,
a single mother (but not for long. cause i met the perfect father, the dad of my dreams for my child)

i'm surrounded by idiots

work is the only place that makes me question my perception of reality. i understand we all have different perceptions of reality. it's normal, it's healthy. but for the most part, we understand and realize our perceptions can be skewed. reality is skewed by experiences, emotions, and/or personalities. or is reality just that, perceptions?

for me, at work, i constantly question my perceptions. am i the only one that sees the things i see? am i the only one that feels the things i feel? is it just me? i'm clearly not going to write the details about my job on a public blog post. but what i can say is that my work environment makes me question myself...AND those that surround me. i feel so alone at work.

so to make myself feel better, i have purchased a button for my desk. the button is very much like the "easy button" from staples. except this button says in scar's voice from the lion king "i'm surrounded by idiots."

maybe it's not perceptions, it's just the people. or maybe my reality just sucks and i'm the idiot.

either way, i'm going to embrace my perception: "i''m surrounded by idiots"
and that i'm a true genius...
as it is said by jonathan swift:

when a true genius appears in the world,

you may know him by the sign, that the dunces

are all in confederacy against him

life is beautiful

life is beautiful.

I believe in it's ugliest hour, beauty still exists.

for every act of terror,
there are more deeds of kindness

for every act of war,
there are more feats of compassion

through all the chaos and madness,

humanity still prevails

through the destruction and wreckage,

nature still shines on

through the dark clouds and bloody trails,

compassion and kindness exists in plenty

and through it all, you name it,

love supersedes evil

to me, the most beautiful thing in life is love

love overpowers hate. love empowers us. love sees us through.

love is amazing. love sets us free.

so when you find yourself question life, existence, evil and/or this crazy fucked up world we live in... remember life is beautiful. life is beautiful in all the simple things around us and hidden in all the ugly things we endure. cause through it all, and in the end, sunsets still rise, birds still chirp, flowers keep on blooming, trees are growing, ocean waves keep rolling on...people rise together, love blooms every day, lives flourish and thrive, and humanity keeps rolling on. so stop, take note of it. revel in it every chance you get. life is beautiful in every corner of this earth.

with love, we are invincible. 

all we need is love. love is all we need.

and never forget:

life is beautiful.

Well, hello there...

so, yeah i've been a stranger in the blogosphere for almost two years. i suck. and i hope my two blog fans don't hate me. are you both still there? i'm not proud of my disappearance. all i have are lame excuses, like no time, children, and work. but whatever...excuses are for lame-o's.

i had lunch with a very dear friend and soul sister, camile! she brought back to my attention my blogs; how she loved my blogs and how i inspired her to blog herself. plugging her blog here. while sitting there and attempting to explain to her out loud "my excuses" for not blogging, it made me just cringe. it was pathetic really. i mean how am i supposed to get a writing career if i don't write. how can i complain about my job, the one that is a means to an end, if i'm not even trying to do what i love?! so here i am...trying to get back into it, not for the career goal (although, that would be totally awesome), but to take all the things that spin in my head and lay them all out for my (2 fan based) blog world to read, laugh, and be inspired. i might back track to some older ideas in my head; about parenting, living life to the fullest, and mostly just spewing all the crap in my head. so here goes it...

so for today, i'll just fill you in on a few things that have happened while i've been away:

• september 2011 
• went to california for the first time. i hugged thousand year old trees, slept in a tent, drank lots of wine, and met my boyfriends family
• november 2, 2011
• my first niece was born. lilianne robin azoulay. she is the daughter i'll never have.
• june 2012 
• went to vegas for the first time. we stayed in the paris hotel, won $85 in caesar's palace, molested statues, went to the grand canyon, walked the skywalk and the hoover dam bridge
• june 23, 2012 
• shot a fully automatic m-16 rifle in celebration of robin's birthday. enough said.
• august 7, 2012 
• i got a new tattoo. a big hamsa on my left side ribs. hurt like a motherfucker
• october 2012 
• i voted early. i voted obama. 
• december 1, 2012
• moved into a new place with my boyfriend and his 2 wonderful boys
• december 2012 
• i had a breast cancer scare. i have breast calcifications (that were biopsied) and four nodules that need to be monitored for the next two years. fuck cancer
• january, 2013 
• went horseback riding for the first time. sore ass.
• january 28, 2013
• purchased an ibanez artwood guitar. youtube lessons. finger tip callouses. another checkmark on my bucket list.
• february 10, 2013 
• my boyfriend propsed to me. i am now engaged to my soul mate. 

...and today, i am still planning a wedding, raising three amazing boys, managing my time poorly, dealing with chronic neck problems, frustrated with people, inconsistently working out, devouring chocolate daily (no seriously, every day!), falling asleep early, cursing like a fucking trucker, misplacing my patience, and most importantly loving on the four men in my life.

i'd like to close with a quote from my son:
"i moustache you a question. but i'll shave it for later"

    i'm a tree-hugger!

the opposite of bully

I could not find a true antonym for the word 'bully'. Could the opposite of a bully simply be a person that does NOT badger, tease, belittle, harass, or intimidate smaller or weaker people? I think not. To me the opposite of bully is kind.

Acts of bullying inspire suicide.
Acts of kindness inspire more kindness.

I'd like to share a story that I just learned about on the last day of my son's kindergarten year. It's a pretty amazing story and I will no doubt be doting on my son (so consider the source, an unbelievably proud mother).

I visited my son's school this morning for his last day of school. The classroom teacher presented a beautiful video of the school year and the kids shared poems and art work from their school year. At the end of this event, a mother approached me and asked me if I was Mathew's mother. After I told her yes, she then tells me how sweet and kind he was. That she never met a little boy that was as sweet as he. It is truly such an honor to hear that coming from another mother. After my gracious thank you's, she proceeded to tell me something much more incredible:

"Your son helped my daughter survive kindergarten!"

What?! How?! Really?!

She explains to me that her daughter cried almost every day for the first half of the school year. She had a difficult transition, since she was not in a full time school prior to kindergarten. My son (apparently) helped her every day, not just once. He told her things like "it's okay, don't cry." He told her "chicken" jokes and sang her silly made-up songs. I know this because the 6-year old girl told me herself. The mother was tearing up while telling me how my son was so good to her daughter. Of course, I start tearing up as my mind was blown away. As she is talking to me and we are getting to know our kids a little more, I witness the unique bond between the two of them. I see two little peas in a pod giggling and acting silly. It must have been my proudest moment thus far. She explained to me that in the course of the year she volunteered in the classroom and could tell that their bond was special, like cousins. The teacher told us that these two will be lifetime friends.

My son has single handedly changed the course of a little girls kindergarten experience for the better through simple acts of kindness. My son helped someone through a hard time. My son gave altruistically and compassionately with no motive, but kindness. My son created a true friendship at the young age of 6. Wether it lasts a lifetime or not, I think this little girl will always remember the little boy who helped her overcome a tough transition.

I remember my kindergarten experience where I came home crying often. Three little girls made fun of me because English wasn't my first language. I remember they were the opposite of kind. I can only now begin to imagine (thanks to my son) what my childhood experience would have been like if I had a little Mathew in my class by my side. This kid is amazing!

Remember, the antonym of bullying is kindness. Spread the love. Pay it forward.

"My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness."

Will you still love me?

The man I want to share the rest of my life with responded to one of my poems posted on this blog. It was from January 29, 2009, Will you still love me?

I will share his response (permission granted), but first here is mine again:

Will you still love me
if I fail to say the words you want to hear

Will you still love me
if I don't meet up to your fantasies

Will you still love me
if things don't turn out the way you wanted

Will you still find a way to love me
when you find yourself falling out of love with me

When you say you love me, will you still love me for the rest of your life?

~sol

And now here is my beloved's response:

I will still love you
if you fail to say the words I want to hear
for your truth pierces me and your honesty speaks to my heart

I will still love you
if you don't meet up to 'my' fantasies
for a dream that is shared is worth twice one imagined alone

I will still love you
if things don't turn out the way I wanted
for I know I am but a fallible man
I'd rather navigate this life together to get to where we've planned

I will still find a way to love you
if I find myself falling out of love with you
for what we've got has got good bones. a love planted so firmly in the heart is not so easily uprooted.

When I say I love you, I will still love you for the rest of my life.
Which I hope will end one day before you
so I know not what it's like to live without your love.

~ Uriel


Lucky are we that our souls united! I love this man, Mr. Uriel Gonzalez!

"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same"

"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies"

Grief Envy

‎"the deeper the grief, the more radiant the love"

this sentence was like swallowing a ball of razors. these nine words throwing a wrench in my head. i've already been battling with ideas of not grieving enough. do i mourn deeply enough? do i cry enough? do i miss him enough? do i think about him enough? do i feel sorrow enough? do i hurt enough? 9 freaking words amounting to just 2 words for me: grief envy

yes! hi, my name is nancy and i have grief envy!

what is grief envy you might ask? 
in short, being envious of one's grief.
am i the first to have this envy?
probably not. and i probably won't be the last.
now that i have put a "definition" to what i've been feeling
maybe i can deal with it better
now that i've defined it,
maybe i can even just admit to it out loud

so here i go:
i know, i know, we all grieve in our own way. no one way is right or wrong. i'd be the first person to say this. at first, i thought my reasons for my easy grief, was that maybe i was emotionally healthy. but as i grieve, two years later, i still wonder about the depths of my relationship with my brother. i wish i had deeper grief. i wish i had more. my grief doesn't seem enough. i want to hurt more. i want to feel the sorrow deeper. when i think of robin, i grasp at flimsy memories i can barely recall. i'm losing him, his memories. then i see my little brother and i envy his grief (even though he masks it deep on the inside, i see it). i envy the relationship they had together, the countless memories he can recall. i envy the closeness they once had. again, i know, i know, i shouldn't compare relationships, yada yada yada. but still…i know i don't feel the same pain, the same hole, the same loss. i see his and i envy it. i can't help but feel like i missed out, i feel like i should have done more. something is missing and i can't get it back. it's too late. then i also see my boyfriend and i envy his grief over the loss of his brother. i'm so stupid. i know. how crazy to envy someone else's grief. seriously, someone check my head please. seeing those around me grieve the way i want to grieve over my brother, makes me question what kind of connection i had with my brother. i think to myself, if i don't cry and miss him all the time, i must not have had a deep love with him. maybe our relationship wasn't strong enough to affect my life without him. crazy, i know. ridiculous, i know. but still thoughts that run through my head.

i wish i had more, more time, more opportunity. and i can't. so i live with this guilt, this regret.

nine freaking words

"the deeper the grief, the more radiant the love"

how will i ever get over these words?
i can't change what it was, i have to live with what it is.
I can't make it what I want, I have to live with what I've got.
will it ever be enough to comfort me?
will i ever get over the envy?

Mathew is Six

Mathew,

Today you are You,
that is truer than true.
There is no one alive
who is Youer than You.

Happy Birthday To You!

You're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting,
So... get on your way!

Have I ever told you how lucky I am?

I am so proud of the little man you are and the big man you are becoming!

I love you more than words can describe!

It's your day of all days

It's the best of the best

make it awesome

Love your mama-sweeta!