Toxic Sea

I am swimming in a toxic sea full of arrogant, gross, insecure, crazy, weird, narcissistic fish.

Will somebody throw me a lifeline, the water is bleak here!?!

First of all, I was always skeptical and now totally discouraged about the whole idea of online dating. The profiles that are out there are reee-diculous. I have past the point of no return on here...I'm drowning!!!

In the sea of plenty of fish, I see pictures of bare-chested men, arrogant braggers of their travels and boats, overly sensitive guys, uneducated men, married, yes married men too, about me sections longer than my longest blog, corny lines, and desperation leaking everywhere! Is this for real? I mean, seriously, it couldn't be! Oh, but it is...

Let's start with some of the emails I get:

• "how was your weekend with out me?" - are you serious?

• "wow you are gorgeous?" - that's it, you think you can throw me a compliment and I'm yours!

• "hi" - okaaaay, you gotta do a little better than that, especially with that profile of yours.

• "I like what you wrote, I think we can be compatible." - oh really, based on what? you're profile that tells me you love irish bars and prefer big breasts! yeah, that is so not me!

• "should I attempt to drop a line here, or just flat out buy you a tiger...jk...lol" - what does that even mean?

or my favorite one:

• "are you real? are you really on here?" - wow, nothing like starting with insulting me for being single and on an online dating service.

But wait, it gets even better when you read the profiles that these emails come from:

• One profile said that any first date should include handcuffs and oil. - I kid you not!

• One guy outwardly states he has no ambition except for having fun and he has no hobbies except for being sarcastic! - wow, you're a winner!

• Or the many profiles that select "prefer not to say" when asked, Do you want children? Do you drink? do you do drugs? - are you fucking kidding me? how hard is it to answer these questions. Reject!!!

• One profile jokingly stated that one of his interests are to tell children that Santa is a lie! - not funny, just stupid!

• Some other interests I read on profiles: midget tossing, asking bums for spare change, camel toes, xanax, stalking people - I know, I know, the stupidity is endless.

• Or the profiles that make jokes about their occupation, like male belly dancer. - no comment.

and the last one (only cause I just can't do this anymore):

• One profile literally says "enjoying the finer things in life, while laughing at the misfortunate." - for real!?

I wish this was all a big joke or fiction for the sake of entertainment...

****HUGE SIGH****

No wonder I'm still single!!

Will all the normal single guys please stand up?!

oh and by the way, unlimited texting is a necessity for dating in the 21st century, you will get asked out, complimented, thanked, blown off, and even dumped by a text.