Letter to Robin

Dear Robin,

I regret not spending more time with you
I always thought there’d be a next time...

I regret not appreciating you more
I took you for granted…

I regret not calling you every time I thought to
I always thought we’d just talk later…

I regret not being there for you or doing more for you
I figured you didn’t need me, not realizing I needed you…

I regret not taking more pictures together
I always thought there'd be another occasion...

I regret criticizing you for not having ambition
I never thought I’d have to regret those words…I realize now you lived ambitiously in the moment and I lived ambitiously in the planning. Neither were wrong, we were just both different. I admire the life you led and will remember to live passionately in the now, like you. I wish I learned that when you were here with me rather than because you’re gone.

I regret not giving you a hug or taking the time with you at the gas station when we last saw each other. I was in such a rush to get home…I never thought it would be the last time I’d see you. I know we hugged and kissed 10 minutes before that at the restaurant…

I wish we had more time together…
I wish Mathew had more time with you…
I wish you were the one giving him the life lessons of “mental toughness” like you did for me.

I hate that I can’t hug you anymore.
I’m scared that I will forget your voice and the sound of your laughter.
I have yet to see you in my dreams, but I know you are always with me…

I miss you so much Robin!
Know that you are always on my mind!
Please watch over us…we need you still!

Oh and by the way, I’m getting this awesome new tattoo on Tuesday right before I visit you again for the one month services. I can’t wait for you to see it! It will honor you and your beautiful life. It will remind me that you’re always watching over us. It will be a constant expression of your life, my lessons learned from you and a reminder to live life more like you did…you will always be a part of me, Robin. I promise you will live on through me...

I love you!
Your one and only sister,
Nancy

Who You'd Be Today

"Who You'd Be Today"
By Kenny Chesney

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.



The only thing that gives me hope, Is I know I'll see you again some day.
I love you Robin!

Inside My Head

My little brother, Philippe, turned 27 this weekend. He had plans months ago to go on a 3-day cruise to the Bahamas with all his closest friends. But after our brother Robin passed away, he debated whether to go or not. I told him he should go and just take it in at his own pace. Robin would never hold any of us back from a moment like this and he would want us to live life. I know that if I were the one up above, I would wish my family to continue living fully and happily! Philippe went on the cruise for his birthday.

Less than a week before the cruise, sitting at my parents house, some of us saw a commercial for an airfare to the Bahamas for $19. My cousin, Mu (Muriel) and I contemplated the idea to go and surprise Philippe! I was very skeptical at first. And even after booking the trip, I was still unsure of my heart's desire to go. I can now appreciate fully my brothers initial apprehension. So I did what any sane person would do, I spoke to my dead brother, Robin. And I remembered the words I shared with Philippe. And eventually, excitement was building and doubts were being overturned.

So Mu and I flew into the Bahamas Saturday morning and set off to make our surprise. We spotted my brother sitting casually at Senor Frogs, hanging out with his friends. When finally, the bartender hands him a tequila shot and says it's from that girl over there (pointing to me). Looking over to the "girl", my brother's face when recognition sunk in, was priceless! The weekend was fun, fun, fun. A total mental escape.

Back to reality. Back inside my head. Since I've returned, I am working through some sad emotions and feelings of guilt. I'm crying in my brief moments of alone time...in the car, at my desk, in my bed. I can't tell you why I even begin to cry. I just do. I am diving even deeper inside my head. It's in solitude when I reflect most (maybe some might say I reflect too much, but it's me and I embrace it). Losing my big brother Robin will be a lifelong process. I accept that this is all just part of it. Everyday, I concentrate on remembering my brother's voice and laughter. I don't want to lose that memory ever. Inside my head, today is a day full of emotions and pensive thoughts.

Before I go, I want to post a passage my friend shared with me this morning. It released a stream of tears and even a smile. It's from one of my favorite books. And I am so glad he shared this with me in this context...thank you Andrew:

"When you look up at the sky at night, since I shall be living on one of them, for you it will be as if all the stars were laughing. You and only you will have stars that can laugh. And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be happy to have known me. You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me. And from time to time you will open your window, just for the pleasure of it....and your friends will be astonished to see you laughing whilst gazing at the sky."

-The Fox (from "The Little Prince" by Antoine De Saint Exupery)