Mathew's Angel

While picking Mathew up from school after seven long sad days, I assumed he forgot about our last hour together on Tuesday, August 11th. I was wrong.

Our last hour together was bothersome for both of us. Mathew was napping when I got the call that woke him up to the sounds of my disbelief. I can't imagine what he was thinking or feeling in this moment. He was immediately concerned with me and gave me some "luvin!" When he asked what was wrong, the only thing I could tell him (without thought or planning) was that Robin was "hurt." And after some tears, hugs, and pacing, I told him that I needed to go see Robin and take care of some things. "But I want to take care of things with you," he would say. Or "Mama, do you need some juice?" You can see he wanted to take care of me. When his father came to pick him up, he did not want to leave me, nor did I want him to. He is my main source of light, energy, and happiness. It was a difficult hour between the two of us, to say the least. After he left with his dad, I rushed down to Miami...

* 7 days later*

Heading home after sitting shiva, I didn't really know what to expect from Mathew. His dad said that he missed me and asked for me a lot. I didn't know if he remembered much of what happened on Tuesday or not. When I did see him, he was purely happy to see me. He talked to me about school (I missed his first day of school on Monday), his new friends and teachers, and so forth. And when the excitement passed, he calmly asked if Robin was still hurt. Taken by surprise, I explained to him simply that Robin passed away.

*Yesterday*

By now, we have talked about Robin on several different occasions. And I've delved into it a little deeper. He asked to make a card for Robin last night (which made me think he really didn't understand). I've purchased a few books for him, which he is not ready to explore. I tried a couple times to read them to him...and he's just not ready. I figured he doesn't understand. Again, I was wrong. He just understands in his own way.

*Today*

This morning he says to me:
"Can we pick up Harley and Robin and bring them to Mimi and Papa's house?"

Mathew's understanding of death is of course minimal. His closest experience is losing our dog Harley, and we got to say good-bye and take pictures before we gave him up for adoption. This is quite a different experience, but nonetheless, I do believe he understands (again in his own way). I believe Mathew understands that he is gone and that we won't see him again, he just doesn't understand what gone is or why. As time passes, he will learn and grow with this experience. And I will keep Robin's memories alive forever.

For me, Robin is Mathew's angel now. I don't know if Jewish people believe in Guardian Angels, or even if I ever did, but I do now. Maybe this is just a way to give me comfort and peace or to keep his memory alive, I don't know. But I will constantly look to Robin for help, guidance and protection for Mathew. And I believe, that Robin will be watching over him, like a guardian angel.

Getting Up

Yesterday morning was the end of sitting shiva, which is called "getting up." It concluded early in the morning and was the hardest part of shiva for me. After morning temple services, we all met up at the cemetery. I arrived early and found myself slowing treading towards Robin. It was a hot day with a breeze coming from the east. The first thing I notice, when I stand at the bottom of Robin's gravesite, is that it is now covered in fresh, moist sod, not yet woven into the soils of earth. The next thing I notice is the vision of a cross defined by the space between the newly placed sod. Interesting. I was definitely solid at the moment, firmly grounded, able to speak calmly to new arrivals, and capable of not shedding a tear while seeing others' tears fall. After the few close friends and immediate family arrived, it was time to start the ceremony of prayers.

My parents, Philippe and I are positioned on the south side; the Rabbi on the west side (the bottom side), and all others completely around...supporting, praying, loving my brother Robin. During this short ceremony of prayers, I lost focus and battled my ability to stand firmly (figuratively). I tried to re-gain focus by escaping reality for a moment. I tuned out the Rabbi's voice and stared catatonicly at his feet. He was wearing a pair of worn out black loafers with a gold chain-like accent at the top. It had a loop and a twist in it. His black pants had cuffs and were just the right length for him. The left pant leg was laying over the golden accent on his left shoe. I couldn't tell you what shirt he was wearing, or if he was wearing a hat or sunglasses. I just looked at his feet. But when that stopped working and the nose started dripping, I focused up, higher up, as if to feel my brother's presence or to see a light of hope. The light blue sky was inviting to the eyes and the gliding white clouds were peaceful. The leaves on the trees were swaying and shimmying. The wind was soft on my skin. And again, I couldn't hold my focus. The sounds around me were too powerful to leave the physical reality of it all. And in the end, when the Rabbi said: use this time to ask Robin for forgiveness (for things we did/didn't do, said/didn't say) and to leave it buried with him...no one could retain their composure. This was the hardest moment for all of us. I internalized my regrets and wishes, my solid turned to mush. Shiva is over. Walking the path down the cemetery aisles, it hits me...the strongest feeling of loneliness ever. I am encountered by many hugs and the "I'm sorry's" and the "stay strong" clichés...and all I want to do is run, run far away and run alone...maybe just to cry...to cry the heaviest tears I've ever known. Instead I sulked like a child; half trying to hide, half looking like I was begging for someone's attention. While feeling horribly empty, I wanted to be alone yet wanted a hug. While feeling rage and envy, I still wanted to be alone yet I needed a shoulder. While feeling all that I was and wasn't feeling, I did and didn't want to be alone. Disoriented, emotional, overwhelmed, spaced out, scared, broken, hurt, pitiful, confused...inside my heart, I was alone. Shiva was over, it was now time to slowly emerge back into society...without my brother Robin. alone.

The sitting shiva experience was __________ (fill in any positive or negative adjective of your liking, it would apply). At this point, I am ready for the next step... I am ready to jump into the hectic world of my work. I am ready for some normalcy in my life. I am ready.

One thing though, I am left needing one good, sulky, lonely, heavy down pouring tears of pain. In the end, I discovered sitting shiva just deferred my grief and pain to a later unknown date. I will definitely revisit my brother and do this all over again someday soon, for myself...alone!

In the meantime, on to happy memories and happy thoughts...
back to reality...

Robin, I love you!
forever in my heart
xoxo



Before I go, let me make one thing clear:
NEVER EVER ask "How are you?" to someone who is mourning.
seriously ridiculous!

RIP

We may not understand why you left this earth so soon, or why you left before we were ready to say good-bye, but little by little, we begin to remember not just that you died, but that you lived. And that your life gave us memories too beautiful to forget.




rest in heavenly peace robin
gosh, how I miss you terribly so!